The next day the weather matched my mood, stormy and miserable. We made our way onto the mountain pass and began the treacherous ascent in elevation until we were walking tight against a cliff face, a sheer drop off awaiting if we strayed off the path. I took a spot this time at the front of the group behind Thorin - I wanted to be left quite alone, and I knew Thorin would ignore me altogether. We trudged along single file, and luckily the sheer effort of trying to see through the gale and keep proper footing on the wet stone was enough to distract me from my thoughts.
Soon I couldn't stop shivering and began looking forward to the day's end. The hours slipped by slowly, and our progress slowed with them.
At one point I heard a few sliding rocks, and a bit of commotion from behind. I looked back in horror to see that Bilbo had lost his footing and was tipping precariously forward over the drop off. Dwalin and Bofur luckily had a hand on each shoulder and managed to pull him back.
"We must find shelter." Thorin yelled after seeing the near miss, though he was barely audible above the wind.
"Look out!" Dwalin then shouted with more volume and urgency, causing us to all take heed and look about in alarm.
I could not quite believe it when I saw a colossal boulder hurtling through the air towards us. It crashed against the mountain wall somewhere above, breaking apart and showering us with a barrage of stones, many still enormous in size. We flattened ourselves against the cliff, trying not to get knocked off.
"This is no thunderstorm! It's a thunder battle!" Balin yelled."
I didn't know what he meant, but I squinted through the storm in the direction he was pointing and saw movement. Though through the gale it was hard to make out more than shifting shades of grey. A metaphor, I thought, until my narrowed eyes adjusted - then opened wide in bewilderment. The movement was not the chaotic whiplash of clouds in a squall. It was the uniform movement of a creature beyond my wildest comprehension.
"Well bless me, the legends are true. Giants! Stone Giants!" I heard a familiar voice from somewhere nearby, but it sounded far away and small. The entire valley was filling with noise, reverberations of the avalanche of stones that gave way when the creature separated itself from its rocky throne, far greater than any sound of thunder I had ever heard.
I clasped my hands over my ears to try and block out the noise, my body stiffening with fear. I could not take my eyes off the giant, and so did not notice our immediate peril until Thorin shouted over the din.
"Take cover! You'll fall!"
He turned and pushed me roughly back from the direction we were headed, and away from the now crumbling edge of the pathway. Hitting the hard stone forced me to draw in a breath - the first since spotting the giants. The air was so thick with rain that the spray stung my lungs, causing me to start coughing. My legs wobbled, threatening to give up carrying the weight they bore, and for a moment I worried I was too weak to go on. A questioning shout from Kili halfway through the group, however, forced me to realize otherwise: the entire mountain was moving!
I scrabbled for a handhold behind me, my fingers scraping themselves raw against the sharp, rough stone as our ledge pitched forward. Somewhere in the centre of the group I heard Fili shouting, but at that moment I was worried only for myself.
One of my hands wedged into a fissure along the mountain, hardly wide enough for my damaged fingers to shove into, but enough. I twisted hard to keep purchase, sending pain shooting from my fingertips. The pain lanced through my fear of the giants and my eyes looked wildly around to take stock of the situation. Thorin stood beside me, steady as my father the day autumn storms raced southwards down the Long Lake, catching us on open water unaware. My father's eyes had been full with a mixture of fear and determination that I had never before seen. Thorin's eyes were the same now as he looked towards another giant. My head spun around to confirm what I already feared. Half the group was missing; Fili and Bofur were with them.
And then our giant shuddered once more. Rocks came from above us this time, and with a sickening, slow motion we spun to face what had once been the High Pass. The motion brought the others into view, and for a fluttering moment my heart leapt. They were alive! As we completed our course, our ledge swung close enough to jump to safety. My hands released their hard won purchase on the cliff, forcing me to balance awkwardly as we shuddered to a stop on contact. Thorin shouted "GO GO GO!" and I moved as quickly as my legs would carry me.
The others were lost to view by the time I recovered, but I had little time to look. A boulder as large as a small house hit the mountainside directly above us, and this time I knew enough to press myself as far into the wall as I could. The rain blurred my vision slightly, but I hastily wiped my eyes as before I knew it I was suddenly watching the faces of the missing company members rush past me: Bombur taking up a large portion of the cliff by himself, Ori and Dwalin hanging on for dear life, Bilbo (looking as desperate as I felt), Fili, and Bofur.
They passed us, and our hopes rose for a moment, until their giant bent backwards at waist, its knees giving way and driving it with all the force and speed of a thunderbolt into the mountain before us.
I felt a sick hollow feeling spread throughout my body as I watched the giant fall forward and collide into the rock face. The entire valley trembled, and even Thorin was shaken. He shouted out in desperation for his nephew, but the outcropping that supported them a heartbeat earlier was now crumbling away. The stone giant fell away into the mists of the valley floor.
Our hopes fell with it, but we ran nonetheless. We ran along the narrow precipice, surefooted and swift in our purpose, and against all hope.
And they were there. And they were alive.
Thorin rushed into the group towards Fili. Relief washed over me, a warmth spreading from my stinging fingertips and frozen feet up through my body to manifest in a grin. I was lightheaded, subject to the highs of adrenalin with nothing to direct it. That's when I became aware of the dwarf nearest to me.
"Bofur..." I whispered, and then threw my arms around him from behind. He tensed, letting out a surprised "oh", then relaxed. He turned in my arms, but then his mirthful eyes sharpened and he pushed me quickly away. I felt anger replacing relief in that moment of an instant, but then he voiced his worry and I understood his brusque actions.
"Where's Bilbo? Where's the hobbit?" he asked the group in a panic, looking around frantically.
Ori spotted him first, and, in what I felt was an uncharacteristic move for the young unsure dwarf, dove towards the cliff edge to grab Bilbo's slipping arms. I worried I would go over myself as dwarves jostled to help, until Bofur, who's hand had not left my upper arm since my embrace, drew me out of harm's way. "You'll only be in the way, lass." He urged matter-of-factly. He looked for a moment as if he wished to say more, but then things seemed to a turn for the worse, and Bofur, true to form, lunged for the cliffs edge shouting "Bilbo!"
Thorin and Dwalin eventually got the hobbit to safety, while I was left to catch my breath. My aches were beginning to return in full force, and I trembled from head to toe - early onsets of hypothermia. On top of it all, my psyche was on an emotional pit-fall of its own. As I watched Bofur help Bilbo to his feet and brush his travel coat off, I couldn't understand how this dwarf, who had such a large heart, could make me feel so frustrated and intrigued at the same time.
The chaos of the storm and the encounter with stone giants left us shaken, sore and cold, but luckily it also left us quite near a cave which Dwalin quickly scouted and confirmed to be empty. We piled in quickly, desperate to be out of the rain.
Gloin immediately dropped down a pile of kindling. I moved towards him, hoping to get a good spot near the fire once lit as I could barely keep my teeth from chattering.
"No. No fire, not in this place." Thorin grumbled, causing more than one of us to look at him in aggravation. An involuntary shiver shook me to the core, but I managed to suppress it with a moment of deep, steady breathing. "Get some sleep." he continued. "We start at first light."
His words sparked a memory. "Wait," I began, meeting Thorin's intimidating gaze for a moment. "Gandalf wanted you to wait in the mountains until he could join you."
Thorin looked at me with derision and I regretted speaking up at all.
"Plans change." he stated firmly. "Bofur, take the first watch."
A quick look of displeasure passed across Bofur's face before he nodded and moved to take a spot closer towards the cave entrance. I wondered if Thorin was purposefully singling Bofur out, as he seemed to be assigned the less desirable night guard duties more often than would warrant if they were all on an equal roster. I hoped it wasn't due to the fact that Bofur tried to plead my case before leaving Rivendell, and I began to worry that Bofur might begin to feel bitter for ever standing up to Thorin on my behalf.
I grabbed one of my blankets, wrapping it around my shoulders before drifting over to where Bofur had sat down. The least I could do was keep him company for a while - if he wanted it that is.
"Can I sit with you for a bit?" I asked tentatively.
"'Course." he replied quickly, shifting slightly and making a spot for me. "Aren't you tired though?"
I smiled wearily as I slid down beside him. "Exhausted." I admitted. "But after all of that, I don't think I'll be able to fall asleep for a while. My heart is still racing."
He nodded sympathetically. I wasn't quite sure what to say next and a few trembles raked my body despite my attempts to stay still. I pulled my blanket closer around myself.
"You're cold?" Bofur whispered, peering at me.
I nodded, there was no use in trying to act otherwise. "Aren't you?"
"Not enough to be shivering." he said as he grabbed his pack and unrolled one of his own blankets. "I think us dwarves run a little hotter, or it could just be that you don't have enough padding… natural or otherwise."
"Thank you." I mumbled as he helped pull his blanket over my shoulders. The extra cover, damp as it was, provided an added layer of comfort and insulation between the cold of the cave wall and my body. Despite my earlier words, fatigue began to dull my senses, so that I didn't notice the piece of dried meat Bofur offered until he waved it right beneath my nose. The strong spices roused me in time to hear as Bofur leaned over and spoke softly.
"Here, this will help too. I 'nicked it off Bomber. He won't miss it." He nodded over to his brother who was already snoring. In fact, many of the dwarves were spread out across the floor of the cave, limbs and packs scattered helter skelter in their haste to bed down. I parted the blankets and reached out a hand to take the jerky, only once I grasped it Bofur took hold of my wrist and pulled my hand closer to inspect it in the faint and mottled beams of moonlight glowing into the cave's entrance. He frowned once he got a good look at them.
"This needs to be treated, my dear." he said softly.
My fingers were scraped raw, the nails short and frayed close to my fingertips. I hadn't noticed them until now, and after seeing them I felt a slow ache start to creep down them. I tried to pull away but he moved his hand and closed it around the palm of mine, applying gentle pressure. My fingers released, and he set the food aside. I sighed, inwardly cursing how easy it was for me to injure myself compared to the thick-skinned dwarves I was travelling with.
Bofur retrieved a rather ornate looking wine flask from his side and unstoppered it with his teeth. As he upended a splash of its contents onto my hands, causing me to wince, he spoke to keep my mind occupied.
"Nori was kind enough to offer me one of his souvenirs from Rivendell. Can't say I'm a fan of it though."
Cleaned of debris, he looked around for something to bandage the fingertips with. His free hand strayed to the hem of his undershirt, which already looked to be missing a large square about the size of a handkerchief. Noticing the dishevelled state it was in; he raised his eyebrows in a comically frustrated look and then patted my hand with his.
"I'm afraid I've got nothing to bandage such delicate fingers… here." he handed me the jerky once more. "Óin can do something more for you in the morning."
I nodded, but figured I wouldn't require Óin's assistance, they were superficial wounds. I finished the piece of meat quickly and then settled in a bit more, stifling a yawn. I found myself staring down at his sleeve, then his hand. I desired to grab it, to hold onto him, despite my sore fingers. I felt almost possessive after having thought I'd lost him earlier. As I tried to think of a way to broach the heavier subjects that were weighing on my mind; how to apologize and how to question him about why he became so upset with me, I felt my eyelids become heavy.
"Are you still mad at me?" I finally asked, my voice thick with sleep. But I don't remember his answer, I must have nodded off.
I awoke when I felt my pillow - which apparently was Bofur's shoulder - suddenly shift forward. I lifted my head, my neck stiff from the awkward position it had been in. Bofur whispered an apology as he stood up and took a few steps further into the cave. Bilbo was standing in front of him, looking travel ready. I rubbed my eyes and looked around in confusion, wondering if it was time to go, but all the others were still fast asleep.
"You can't turn back now." I caught Bofur saying in an urgent whisper. "You're part of the Company. You're one of us."
"I'm not though, am I?" Bilbo responded quietly. "Thorin said I should never have come, and he was right. I'm not a Took, I'm a Baggins. I don't know what I was thinking. I should never have run out my door."
"You're homesick," Bofur said sympathetically, "I understand."
"No, you don't, you don't understand! None of you do! You're dwarves. You used to this life, to living on the road, never settling in one place... Not belonging anywhere."
I pushed myself to my feet, and hesitantly took a step towards them.
"I am sorry, I didn't..." Bilbo stammered, looking quite contrite.
"No, you're right." Bofur replied, a sadness touching his voice. "We don't belong anywhere." He placed a hand on Bilbo's shoulder in a comforting manner. "I wish you all the luck in the world. I really do."
"Wait, you're not leaving?" I cut in gently, looking at the hobbit with uncertainty; he gave me a sad smile in response. "You can't." I urged, repeating Bofur and looking at him for more support, but he remained silent.
Bilbo grinned in a sympathetic way which I knew to be the unwavering expression of one who had made up his mind.
I shook my head. "But, I think it's still storming out." I added quickly as a last resort.
They both watched me as I skirted back towards the entrance and then tiptoed to the mouth of the cave. Based on the moonlight filtering inside, I knew the storm had broken, but I was hoping it was still unpleasant enough out to dissuade the only other non-dwarf companion in our midst to stay. I shot them both a knowing look and then took a few small steps outside; the wind pummelled me instantly, forcing me to back against the rock face to keep steady. I squinted around, trying to guess the time. I must have only dozed for a short while, as there were no traces of dawn on the horizon. The peaks of the surrounding mountain range were a mere inky shadow against a dark sky, and the moon was not yet very high.
"It is still pretty bad!" I shouted, unsure if they would even be able to hear me above the gusting. I took another quick glimpse around, realizing more and more that I didn't really enjoy mountaineering, and quite missed much warmer and easily travelled lowlands.
"I wouldn't risk it." I began matter-of-factly as I crept back around the entrance and stepped inside. "You'll get blown right off-"
I stopped mid-sentence and gaped in fear and surprise. I heard a ringing in my ears and felt my heart pounding all over my body.
I blinked slowly. Nothing changed. I squeezed my eyes closed for a moment and tried to remember to breathe. But when I opened them again I couldn't deny the simple truth I saw in front of me...
All the dwarves, all the packs and blankets, everything...
They were gone.