Overnight the temperature plummeted and we awoke to skies dark with rain. Few words were exchanged that morning as we pulled our cloaks and jackets tight around us and began to plod along. Shortly thereafter the downpour began. The wind drove the rain into us and sapped our energy and spirit. Luckily the torrent finally ceased in the afternoon, but it became steadily colder.
That evening, after we had found an area to camp at, I heard my name being called by Thorin. I glanced up at him in confusion; he had barely so much as looked at me since I rejoined the group.
"Go and help Kili get wood." he ordered after he saw he had my attention.
I had clearly been spending too much time with a certain dwarf that favoured somewhat impolite innuendos because I couldn't keep back a small grin at his choice of words.
"You want me to help Kili... get wood?" I repeated, raising my eyebrows and shooting Kili, who stood on the edge of the camp, a parodic stare. I was extremely pleased to see the dark-haired dwarf finally look sheepish for once.
"What part of that did you not understand?" Thorin asked. "Your hands work, do they not? Put them to good use."
I quickly stifled a laugh. "As you wish, Thorin." I conceded. "I guess certain tasks should be expected of the only woman here." I said more quietly to Bofur, who grinned up at me while shaking his head at my sass. I then rose up and headed towards where Kili was standing. As I passed Thorin, I couldn't help but add "Maybe next time I can help you get wood."
Thorin simply scowled and shook his head, seeming completely oblivious, while Bofur guffawed out loud and fell backwards off the log he had been sitting on.
As night began to fall the wind picked up and soon I could barely stop my teeth from chattering. It had proved impossible for Kili and I to actually find any dry wood, but Gandalf eventually took over and was able to get a tiny blaze going after many curses were uttered by the dwarves in their failed attempts. We huddled about it after dinner, pressed shoulder to shoulder until our clothes were a bit drier, before we broke apart to find places to lie down. I wandered over to a line of rocks to help break the wind, and kicked away some of the loose stones before placing down my meagre blanket. Bofur brought me his flask with the last of the tea; it was still slightly warm from being next to his body. I gratefully drained it. He set his things near me and lay down. I did the same.
Though the boulders did help with the wind, the ground was cold and damp, and I was still frigid. I jammed my fingers in my armpits and curled as small as I could, holding the folded over edge of the blanket in a vice. I could see Bofur's shadowed form a few feet away. He didn't look to be suffering in the same way, and I envied him and the rest of the dwarves for their thicker attire and larger body mass.
I squeezed my eyes shut and tried desperately to fall asleep, but the cold was in my bones, making my limbs ache and my muscles sore. After a while my shoulder began to throb as the tea wore off as well. I pulled my knees up to my chest, trying to keep as much heat in my core as possible. I thought I eventually heard someone speak but the wind blew away the words before I could make them out. I opened my eyes and lifted my head a tad. I could see Bofur was propped up looking in my direction, though I couldn't quite make out his expression in the dark.
"You're freezing aren't you?" he whispered loudly in the span between gusts.
"I'm freezing because it is freezing." I replied, the words coming out more heated than I intended. "I can't be the only one that's cold."
He didn't move for a moment, but then got up and crawled over. He lay down next to me and threw his blanket over the both of us.
"Thank you." I whispered, instantly grateful for the extra protection.
After a few minutes I tentatively slid my hands over his chest, and reached the opening of his coat, hoping to shove my fingertips underneath the collar of it to help warm them up. During this process I accidentally grazed the bare skin at his neck, causing him to flinch.
"You're hands are like ice." he said with surprise. He suddenly grabbed them both, placed them between his, and rubbed them gently. "You really are frozen." he stated softly. I looked at him, my discomfort likely reflected in my expression.
"Come here then." he gently ordered as he let go of my hands and opened up his arm in welcome. I smiled in relief as I shifted closer. His arm wrapped around my shoulders and he pulled me against him, past the point of propriety. I snuggled gratefully into his side, placing my head below his shoulder. He laid his free hand atop mine on his chest, and I couldn't help but feel content - both for the warmth and for being allowed so near him.
"You're too nice to me you know." I muttered softly as my body slowly relaxed. He didn't respond and I fell asleep soon after.
Waking in the middle of the night I discovered we had shifted in our sleep, I was on my side facing the rock formation and he was right behind me, his arm draped over my waist and his breath hitting my neck whenever he exhaled. I smiled sleepily and tugged the blankets back up but realized I was putting weight on my bad side, so I slowly rolled over to face him. The wind was still gusting but the clouds had dispersed somewhat so I could just make out his features in the moonlight. His hat was askew, crunched on one side making it sit crooked on his head. One of his earrings was exposed, resting by his jaw line. My eyes wandered over his face. His laugh lines were still so prominent even in sleep. I reached my fingers up and gently stroked down his temple onto his cheek.
"You're staring." he murmured, his mouth turning into a sleepy grin. I pulled my hand away guiltily as he opened his eyes a crack. I smiled, and bit my lip instead of responding. He chuckled, shut his eyes and then pulled me closer against him. I curled into him, my legs tangling somewhat with his. My hands were pinned up against his chest so I took the opportunity to slide one up onto the side of his neck. I began absentmindedly tracing slow circles with my finger as I tried to fall back asleep. He groaned something unintelligible while I proceeded to slide my hand behind his neck further, tangling my fingers in his hair a bit, then nuzzled my head up closer to press my cold nose against his neck. He was so blissfully warm. I couldn't seem to prevent my lips trailing against his skin as I shifted slightly once more. His hand came up and grabbed my own, stilling my movements.
"You're certainly not making this easy." he said slowly into my ear, his voice low but his accent still lacing his words.
"What?" I whispered, unsure what he was referring to, tilting my head to look at his face. His eyes were fully awake now, glinting in the moonlight, but he just smiled and shook his head slightly before closing his eyes on me once again.
I tried to fall asleep, but couldn't help myself from taking the opportunity while I had it to study him and bask in the warmth of his embrace. I felt more awake then I had in ages. I shifted upwards and brought my free hand to his face then followed his jaw line with my fingers. Perhaps it was because he wasn't watching that I found the courage to lean up and ever so slightly brush my lips against his. I just wanted to see how they felt against my own, at least once more.
His eyes flew open, suddenly filled with heat. I stared at him worryingly, hoping he wouldn't get up and leave, but then felt his hand reach up and tangle in my hair. He tugged my head back slightly before claiming my mouth with his, kissing me ardently. His other hand slowly travelled down my back and then tugged me even closer, I inhaled sharply then left my lips parted slightly to deepen the kiss. He took advantage and began kissing me more fiercely. I wrapped my arms around his neck. His hat fell off as he leaned into me, forcing me more on my back. His hand found its way underneath my jacket and slid up my side. I broke the kiss and tilted my head up, allowing him to kiss down my neck, which he did so fervently before travelling back up to find my mouth again. I gently bit his bottom lip then opened my mouth to him. He moaned quietly, pressing down on me.
However, when we stopped to catch our breath, our eyes met, we stared at each other, our expressions flushed and wild, but we both knew it could go no further.
"I've never been kissed like that." I whispered breathlessly, my heart beating in my chest.
Bofur grinned and ran his thumb along my lips. "That's a shame. A lass like you should be kissed like that every day."
I smiled as we both settled back to try and sleep. I lay awake a long while and I knew he was awake too, but we both remained quiet and still. Finally, as I began to surrender to weariness, he slowly raised my hand to his lips and kissed my fingers once more, and then finally we both were able to fall back asleep.
I jerked awake in shock as someone roughly tore the blanket off of us, shouting something in dwarvish. I sat up in a panic only to find Thorin holding the blanket, a look of disgust on his face, and the others scattered behind him, staring. I had been sleeping with my head on Bofur's shoulder, his arm around me, my hand resting on his chest and I could already feel my face begin to flush at the compromising position we'd been caught in. Bofur stirred and sat up as well. His expression dropped when he caught sight of Thorin and the accusing eyes of the rest of the company. Thorin spat something in Khuzdul, tossing our blanket aside. Bofur clambered to his feet, his eyes hard but his hands up defensively, I stood up as well and skirted a few paces away.
"What do you think you are doing?" Thorin asked lividly, taking a step closer and shooting me a glare.
"It's not what it looks like." Bofur explained, his voice surprisingly calm. "The girl was going to freeze."
"I think it's exactly what it looks like." he gestured angrily. "Do you think I've been blind? Do you take us all for fools? She's been swooning over you since day one. I mistakenly thought that you possessed enough self-dignity to ignore it."
Bofur started forward angrily, but I took my chance to speak up. "Listen," I began, inwardly grimacing at how soft and un-authoritative my voice sounded. "Bofur has done nothing-"
Thorin cut me off my raising his hand and interrupting. "You. You are not a member of this company and you do not have the right to speak. You are nothing to us. I thought I had already made that clear. And you'd be moronic to believe a dwarf would ever think more of you."
Bofur stepped forwards, saying something in Khuzdul in a rough, loud tone. They spoke heatedly for a few moments, each of them gesturing in anger and irritation. I had never seen Bofur look so serious, nor had I ever heard him speak in his own tongue before. I desperately wished to understand what they were saying, but judging by the expressions of the others, which ranged from shocked to angry to embarrassed, maybe it was best I that didn't know. Then the conversation seemed to take a turn for the worse as their voices increased in volume and intensity. Suddenly they both quieted. Thorin turned around and began to walk away, but after a few paces he seemed to think better of it and stopped. He looked back at Bofur, who hadn't moved, and pointed at him threateningly.
"Your wife would be rolling in her grave to see you end up with someone like her!" he spat, gesturing roughly in my direction.
A heavy silence fell upon the group. I felt myself shaking as a cold, dry anger pulsed through my body. Bofur stared at the leader of the company in utter disgust; he then abruptly stepped forward and violently grabbed the front of Thorin's cloak, pulling him close.
"You will not mention my wife again." he said in a deadly serious tone, his face a mere few inches from Thorin's. They stared at each other a moment longer. Questioning. Challenging. And then Bofur roughly released his grip, shoving Thorin back a pace before turning his back on him. Bifur stepped forward and grabbed Bofur's arm, leading him away while murmuring in dwarvish.
Thorin did not move. He clenched and unclenched his fists, I thought for sure he would go after Bofur and put him in his place for showing such defiance. But instead he slowly looked around to see the remaining members of his company gaping at him.
"We're wasting daylight," he said gruffly, maybe more to himself. He then looked around once more and then shouted. "Let's move!"
I stood there frozen while the others began to bustle and pick up their belongings. Gloin shook his head disapprovingly at me as he walked past; most of the others avoided looking at me altogether. I clenched my jaw, trying to control the tremors that rankled me to my core. Eventually I tried to regain self-control and then looked around, spotting Bofur rolling up his blanket. I hesitated, unsure what would be most appropriate for me to do. As the others began filing away after Thorin, I decided to cautiously approach. I needed to apologize for this utter hodgepodge of a mess. His back was to me as he stood up with the last of his gear.
"Bofur?" I began in my softest voice. Not sure if he heard me, I tentatively reached my hand forward, wanting to gain his attention by placing it on his shoulder. He spun around as my fingers barely grazed his coat. His eyes were wide and his hands up defensively.
"I'm sorry-" I said and could already feel the tears begin to gather.
"Don't." he said, cutting me off. He didn't meet my eyes and even began to back away from me. I struggled to keep my composure. "Just don't." he continued, his voice a plea. "Please. I'm sorry. But I can't."
I opened my mouth to try and speak, to make him understand how sorry I was, but he had already turned and started walking away from me. I stood there, stunned, and felt the warm tears begin to stream down my cheeks as I watched the group leave me. No one looked back. Why would they? Like Thorin said, I didn't belong with them.
I was startled as someone gripped my arm and began leading me forward.
"You're not getting left behind." Kili said in a comforting manner. He slid his hand down the rest of my arm and grabbed my own, gripping my fingers tight. It was an odd feeling, being taller than everyone but feeling smaller than them all. I tried to brush away my tears with my other arm without being too obvious about it, then looked down and gave him a hint of a smile.
"I didn't mean for all this to happen." I tried to explain, though I mostly had to whisper as I didn't feel quite in control of my voice.
"Just give it time. It will all blow over." he said, pulling me a little to catch up with the back of the group.
I silently cried to myself while we walked, berating myself for my utter foolishness. To Kili's credit, he didn't let go of my hand for some time, and for that I was grateful. Without his firm but comforting grip pulling me along, I may have allowed myself to drift away from the group, to hide and find my own way home, away from the humiliation and heartache. Yet the memories of Azog reminded me just how vulnerable I truly was - I still needed their protection.
Bofur went out of his way to avoid all contact with me that evening; not even sparing me a passing glance. At supper he squeezed between Bifur and Bombur, as if I needed the point made clearer. I sat down as far away from them as I could and faced in another direction, my back ramrod straight as I fought to remain in control.
That evening I lay down nearest to the fire, feeling somewhat petty and not wanting to sacrifice any chance of warmth. As I predicted, Bofur then place himself on the outside of the group, where he would not be able to see me at all. A small part of me hoped he would get cold. I scowled to myself as I tried to adjust my one blanket; hoping sleep would take me soon, as, unlike the night before, I was to face this night miserable and alone.