"A Thousand Points of Light"

Author: carmen_085

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters from James Cameron's Titanic, not any real people. I do not own Titanic or any characters from the movie. I do own all original characters.

Summary: Fifth Officer Harold Lowe and Titanic's Nurse Clara Barnett lives become intertwined on the ship's maiden voyage when a young drifter is brutally beaten.

The Dream

After Clara's testimony, Senator Smith wisely dismissed the Inquiry for the day. He had nothing to say to her, at least nothing that wouldn't make him look like a callous prick, and after a moment of silent contemplation he said they would begin again in the morning. Chairs pushed back, everyone seemed to stand at once as Clara was quickly enveloped in a crowd of black suits. Some of them looked at her, clearly wanting to know more. She didn't have anything else to say, though, as she'd told them every last awful detail. Ducking her head she avoided eye contact, and making herself small she slipped out the back door.

The Capital was a catacomb of hallways and rooms, lobby and stairwells. Eventually she found an open door bursting out into the cool spring air. Tears immediately came to her eyes as she walked faster and faster until she was running across the street and into the park. Part of her weeped with sadness for the wretched night she'd just recounted, another part weeped with relief. It was over, and for better or worse she'd let every last painful memory pour out of her for the world to see. Coming to sit on a bench she bent over resting her head in her hands.

Amongst fallen cherry blossoms was where he found her. The sky was clear and bright but the air was cool having dried the tears to her cheeks as she looked up. He didn't care if she pushed him away, if she told him it was over, if she yelled and screamed and said she never wanted to see him again. Dropping onto the bench beside her, he didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around her shoulders and pull her against him. Instantly all the hurt and misunderstanding washed away as Clara's head found his shoulder, her face coming to rest against his.

Harry's eyes fluttered closed as he brought his hand to cup her cheek tangling his fingers in her hair. "Clara…." The pitch of his voice cracked. In his arms she pressed herself closer to him as a sob shook her shoulders. "It was very brave, what you just did, my darling." His words only made her more emotional, especially him calling her 'my darling'. There was something so sweet and sentimental about it causing her to further come undone in his arms. No matter what had come to pass between them, she couldn't deny that being here with him felt like home. How was it even possible ? It had only been three weeks. By normal convention this was madness.

They stayed like that for a while. He'd caused her more than enough sadness and saw no reason to rush her through this moment as well. If she wanted to sit here and cry all day that was fine with him. There were, however, logistics regarding one's body that needed seen to and before long Clara's stomach rumbled. She'd not had anything to eat since leaving New York the night before. Sitting herself up straight she wiped her face and smoothed her dress offering Harry a sheepish smile.

"I'm sorry for all that. I just…" Bringing a hand up he silenced her.

"Don't apologize, not to me….not ever." She stared at him for a moment before his eyes averted to the ground. "I don't deserve that." His face a mask of guilt she placed a steady hand over his.

"Harry…." He looked at her for a moment before his eyes wandered away. For some reason he was finding it difficult to hold her gaze. Shaking his head he inhaled sharply already standing up.

"Come on. I could use a cup of American coffee." Pushing her obvious concern away, she joined him standing her own lips twitching up ever so slightly. Harry extended his hand feeling his stomach clench almost painfully. She didn't owe him anything, not even this.

Clara stared at his hand and after a few seconds she took it interlacing her fingers with his. He should have never doubted. Giving her a squeeze along with a sigh of relief, he notched his head. "Alright, let's go."

There was something about holding his hand that made her heart somersault. Not customary or formal like being on a man's arm, but heartfelt and genuine. Every once in a while she felt him squeeze her, perhaps reassuring himself that she was still there. And she was there- going back on every single promise she'd made to herself. God help her, this man had a hold of her.

It was well past lunch, approaching the late afternoon, when they finally sat across from each other in the hotel lounge. Harry briefly wondered if this was appropriate seeing as how she might think he was trying to woo her back to bed, fucking away any doubts she may still have.

The waitress brought two steaming mugs of black coffee and Clara didn't hesitate to take a greedy sip, her lips instantly spreading into a tiny smile. For his own part Harry had begun to enjoy the drink, much preferring the caffeine content to an average earl grey. These days he didn't get much sleep so it suited him just fine. Still it did nothing for his general appearance which had suffered tremendously. The rigid anxiety of the Inquiry had left him sore in the upper back and he could no longer bear to sit upright.

Slouched with his shoulders hunched he forced himself to smile. He was here…with Clara….what the fuck did he have to complain about ?

She studied him quietly over her cup. Harry had never been brash or overly

confident, quick witted and blunt yes, but never smug. Whatever happened to him since the ship sunk had stolen every last bit of his self worth leaving him hollow and almost….fragile. Clara had vowed not to push him but looking at him right now how could she not do something ?

The restaurant was empty aside from them and a woman folding napkins at the bar. Moving her chair around so that she was sitting next to him she gently laid a hand on his leg prompting him to look up, his eyes full of pain and gratitude in equal measure. Before she could open her mouth he spoke.

"Before you say anything I want you to know how sorry I am." He lifted his gaze to her face. "She meant absolutely nothing to me."

Clara stuttered. Since she laid eyes on Harry this morning she'd all but forgotten about Dorothy Gibson. This was about much, much more than a regretful tryst but nonetheless she was happy to have it out in the open and done with.

"I overreacted. What you did before me isn't any of my business anyway."

He cut her off speaking more forcefully than necessary. "It is, though!" His eyes darted suddenly aware that he'd just shouted. Another woman might have gasped and cowered but not Clara. She remained steady waiting for him to collect his emotions and go on. Clearly embarrassed, Harry looked around sheepishly before adding, "It tells you what kind of man I am." Hesitantly he met her eyes his voice just above a whisper, "And I'm afraid it's quite disgraceful."

He exhaled a shaky breath forcing himself to look forward. Clara thought that over for a moment never guessing the guilt he'd been carrying around. Gently she moved her hand into his threading her fingers back through while giving him a reassuring squeeze.

"A disgraceful man would have never gone back." He immediately snorted shaking his head.

"It was too late and I knew that ," he looked at her, remorse all over his face. "Even for

you."

"Harry you still saved four people." Running agitated fingers thorough his hair he disagreed.

"And let fifteen hundred more die." She was quiet seeing how upset this was making him and acutely aware they were in a public place. Anything Titanic related was fuel for speculation and with Harry in the papers regularly he had become quite recognizable. Clara watched as he brought the cup of coffee to his lips with a trembling hand.

He was nothing like the man she knew before the sinking, and it broke her heart. "Come on, let's go someplace more private." Replacing the mug on the table he hesitated before nodding slowly.

It surprised even Harry how quickly they fell back into their former ease and comfort. He knew she still had to be hurt over the situation with the actress, but with everything else that had come to light since it just didn't seem all that important anymore. His room was larger with an actual sitting area and despite his earlier concerns, Clara showed no hesitation as she walked through the door. Not having the energy for much of anything the last few days, Harry realized there were clothes thrown over the settee. Grabbing them up quickly he went to the bedroom shedding his blazer and dress shirt in the process. He'd never been a fan of an officer's dress requirements, much preferring work clothes seeing as how that was what he was doing. Still the Inquiry demanding a certain degree of formality, and he could just imagine the haranguing he'd get for showing up in a wool sweater and boots.

Reappearing in the sitting area wearing just his uniform pants and a t-shirt he saw she'd made herself comfortable. Her gray eyes watched him intensely as he came to sit beside her, his shoulders rounded and his eyes glued to the floor. He didn't know where to start.

"Clara I…." Perhaps he should just go back to the beginning, not having been totally honest from the start. Laying a reassuring hand on his forearm she rubbed her thumb back and forth on the soft skin of his inner wrist. "I wasn't honest with you from the start." Her thumb stopped moving but she didn't remove her hand a quiet inhale passing over her lips.

Harry brought his eyes up to meet her, "When I was thirteen my brother, George, went out onto the bay behind our house. I want to go with him but he wouldn't take me. That night when he came home I was angry with him and pretended to be asleep." Clara studied him silently, letting him say whatever it was that he needed to get out right now. "He went back out alone when the tide was high to secure the punt." Harry paused shaking his head. "Somehow he fell in and hit his head. When we found him it was too late. My father carried him back to the house. One minute he was young and strong and very much alive; and the next he was cold, gray, and lifeless. I couldn't figure it out, it happened so fast. My father largely ignored me up until that point; I was the 'other' son. Afterwards he made it his mission to see that I was apprenticed so that tragedy wouldn't strike twice. I told him I would never work for free, we never saw eye to eye again. After that I ran away from home." Her face reflected understanding and sympathy but not pity.

"I'm sorry that happened. It's such a difficult age; not an adult but also not a kid." Harry nodded his agreement feeling guilty to some degree; both of Clara's parents had died when she was not much older. He certainly didn't have a monopoly on grief.

"When I received my posting on the Titanic I went back home, selfishly, to make sure my father knew I had done it my way. Without his help or any fancy certificates, I'd worked my way clear to the top." Harry closed his eyes shaking his head. "I should have known better. He looked me up and down and didn't give a fuck, told me I was going to fuck this up somehow too. That I was pathetic. That I was a coward." He bit his lip.

"Harry…." The pain on her face was nearly a match to that on his; empathy oozing from every inch of her. Before she could say anything else he began again, lest he lose his nerve.

"And that was all I could think of after the ship was gone. Transferring passengers from one boat to the next, rallying the men to go back, and finally setting out for the debris field; the terrible things he'd said echoing in my mind the entire time." Harry paused leaning forward and pulling his arm away from her. Resting on his knees he covered his face with both hands. The emotion in his voice was barely restrained when he spoke again, "In the dark I couldn't see how many there were. I assumed a few hundred- crew and men from steerage. It had gotten quiet, I knew that." His voice caught in the back of his throat, "When I aimed the electric torch it took my breath away. As far as the eye could see it was just…bodies." He paused shaking his head, "There were men, a lot of them, but there were also women and children, some frozen together in each other's arms. There were fireman still in their overalls and stewards in their lifebelts, waitresses and waiters still wearing aprons, and a chef with his hat on crooked. A guy in a tux holding onto a violin, a woman dressed lavishly with a big scruffy dog in her arms. A stewardess with a baby cradled against her. Pieces of the ship floated here and there, along with pieces of…." He exhaled choking back the vomit in the back of his throat. "Pieces of bodies that were torn apart in the breakup of the ship."

A sob rose in his throat and he didn't stop it letting it roll over his lips as tears filled his eyes. Clara scooted over putting a hand on his back as she also leaned forward wishing she could see his face. "And it was so quiet…nothing but the slapping of oars and thumping of bodies against the lifeboat. I yelled out if anyone could hear me, I yelled at the men for being too rough with the dead, and I yelled at myself for letting this happen in the first place. I didn't know how much time had passed, it felt like nothing at all, but looking out into the water I knew we'd waited too long."

Finally he turned to face her as tears spilled over onto his cheeks. "In every face of every person I looked for you. Every dark haired woman made my heart stop and my stomach drop. My sleeves were soaking wet and I was shaking but I pulled anyone who looked remotely like you up so that I could be sure. I had to be sure, Clara. If you were out there it was my fault, and there would be no way I could leave without you."

He sobbed now openly, not caring about his pride one lick as weeks of restrained emotion poured out of him. Instantly Clara took him into her arms and pulled him against her his head lolling into the crook of her neck. "It's alright. Hey, it's ok." His body shook as a torrent of guilt and sadness enveloped them both. Clara held him close kissing the top of his head and letting him take what he needed right now assuring him all the while that he did absolutely nothing wrong. "I'm here alright, we both are. Safe and warm." Nothing she said seemed to have much affect.

"Do you see ? Do you see what kind of man I am ?" She closed her eyes holding him tighter if she could. "I only went looking for you after I knew you'd already be dead. To save myself…my crew…to not risk a damn thing. I'm not brave…I'm shameful, pathetic, and a coward." He dissolved into mournful crying that broke her heart. Clara could say nothing right now to fix this and she knew that. It would take time, but eventually she wold show him how wrong he was. Right now, though, all she could do was hold him until this passed.

In the end they stayed like for a while, the sun going down and the room becoming dark. With nothing but the moonlight to show his face, Harry sat up feeling a bit embarrassed by what he'd just done. He knew she would never judge him or think less of him for it, but still being so emotional was foreign to him. For the better part of his life he'd packed everything away, burying anything remotely unpleasant resolving never to think of it again.

Clara ran her cool hand through his hair fixing it a bit letting it linger against his cheek as he leaned into her turning and kissing her palm affectionately. There were no words exchanged between them but as she leaned closer to him her hand was replaced with her lips on his. The kissing was honest and loving, nothing overtly sexual or full of lust like their night on the Carpathia. Before long it deepened with Clara letting out a tiny moan against his lips. When he brought her here this was not his goal, but vulnerability bred closeness and right now he couldn't possibly be closer to anyone in the whole world.

Nothing was said as they both rose from the settee and moved toward the bedroom. Pushing him back against the bed their kissing deepened once again as she pulled his shirt over his head. He'd just relived a terrible thing and she wanted to make him feel cared for as her gentle kisses moved from his mouth to his neck and then down the front of his chest. Harry could feel his arousal immediately straining against his pants and as Clara straddled him sitting in his lap he knew she could feel it too. His fingers fumbled with the buttons on her dress eventually undoing enough that the garment slide down to her waist, and then with a little maneuvering to the floor below. Underneath she wore a simple white bra and panties; no corsets or slips or shirtwaists just her- naturally breathtaking as always.

Clara felt herself blush as he stared, her hair partially falling out of the bun and around her face. The corners of Harry's lips twitched upward, he couldn't believe this woman wanted him. Surely she could have any man who looked her way and yet she was here despite everything they'd been though. His pants slid to his ankles and her underclothes were unsnapped and pulled away. She lay down on the bed beneath him nothing but love and understanding in her eyes. It was enough to bring tears to his eyes all over again.

Pushing himself up on trembling arms, he gently spread her apart slipping inside as she gasped and settled around him. Hooking her legs inside of his she coaxed him off his arms and down on top of her. He exhaled with relief before slowly beginning to rock them both. Moaning she snaking her around around his back holding him as he kissed the side of her face, her neck, and then her breasts. While the first time had been full of lust this was something different. Gentle and loving they held each other close nurturing the other's needs as their mutual pleasure began to build.

Harry felt a familiar pressure descend into his pelvis, and he knew he wouldn't last much longer. Drawing his strokes out he felt her writhe beneath him. He wanted this to be utterly amazing for her, she deserved that and so much more. Pressing himself up just a bit their eyes met. What he saw in hers was nothing but absolute certainty, "I love you." It hit him like a train causing his rhythm to falter and his heart to stop.

She loved him

He couldn't even remember the last time someone said that to him and actually meant it. He opened his mouth but nothing came out. Pressing herself up into him he felt a reverse sort of friction that made him gasp loudly. Unable to speak he kissed her- hard and insistent- doubling down on his efforts thrusting harder and faster putting everything he had into taking them both over the edge.

They climaxed together; her shaking and moaning his name, he letting out a strangled groan as he collapsed on top of her totally spent. They stayed that way, their chests heaving together. Eventually he softened and slipped out of her rolling onto his side and pulling her in close. She sighed contently snuggling into his arms seemingly content despite the fact that….

He didn't say it back.

It was all he could think about laying there wide awake staring at the ceiling. Slipping from her arms he padded softly across the bedroom pulling his boxers back on in the process. The bathroom light was dim but it was enough for him to find his own reflection the mirror. Red rimmed swollen eyes stared back at him as he took a handful of water and splash it on his face.

Coming back to his reflection he exhaled slowly. He wasn't worthy of her. She was the most amazing person he'd ever met and there was no way he would ever take care of her the way she deserved. Harry covered his mouth as an unexpected wave of sadness crashed over him. Tears coming to his eyes he collapse to his knees holding onto the sink as he rested his forehead against the cool porcelain.

There was only one thing left to do and he knew that now. He knew it.

TBC….

Dream to nightmare. Come on just a bit more angst before the end. I promise this will not end without leaving each of you completely satisfied. One….or two…more chapters depending on how wordy I get and then a future flash forward epilogue. Stay with me and don't despair these two are meant for each other.