Chapter 31

Two steps forward, three steps back

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

1.

After having thrown up all the contents of her stomach, Meredith finally sat on the ground numbly. But Christina and Izzy wouldn't give up on banging on the door and talking. Finally she pulled herself up to open them.

'Stop. I'm fine.' She moved to the sink a little wobbly, and splashed water over her face generously. Both of them stood expectanly. 'Seriously, I'm fine. Next time will go better.'

'Did you hit your head?'

'Christina!' Izzie looked horrified at her. 'But you don't- you're not- this is not fine.'

'That's not your business.'

Christina put both hands on her shoulders and made her face her. 'Meredith.' Mer looked straight at her.

'I missed a lot of time for all this. I'm not missing more.' Protested Meredith, the same way that children do when they are actually sick and staying at home no longer feels so fun or inviting. Christina looked away and sighed.

'Fine. But you can't go like that, you're pale like a ghost. Izzie, do you have any make up in your backpack?'

Izzie was already on it, and came back really fast with some corrector and a little blush. Meredith resounded herself in their arms to 'fix' her face, while she concentrated on reviewing medical terminology in her head. Thankfully they were fast.

'You know you have to talk to someone, right?'

'Surgeries, Christina. Eyes on the price.'

There was no talking to her right now. She got through her day, weirdly successfully, without stopping for meals or pep talks. There was a line of what she could handle, and she just needed a normal day that was intense for all the normal things associated with her work. And to never speak of this again. Thankfully for a little while, all of them had her back and ran interference. If there was any chance of labs or rounds crossing paths with him, they took her place and send her on other tasks. She greatfully spend lunch in the library, digging into the details of an operation she was hoping to scrub in.

But alas, this was a hospital and they both had the same job.

And she could no longer avoid.

2.

A little after lunch, Christina and George were scrubbing in, while Alex and Izzie were finally having lunch. Meredith got paged that the labs for her patient were ready and ran in the elevator, forgetting to be causeous.

'Star. You got labs as well'

She nodded. She was too tired to be mad. 'Lets just do our jobs.'

'Keep your fucking friends on a leash and I will.' He was right behind her breathing in her neck, and she was greatful when the elevator stopped with a screech.

They were walking weirdly calmly for a second, and she forced herself to ignore the fear crawling up her skin. They got their labs in peace, but unfortunately had to wait for the elevator together. She felt his hand wrap around her waist with all the fake gentleness he could pretend to have. The red alarms in her head were going off, but she couldn't move. She didn't know who was that person speakng when she started talking to him, unrecognizable to herself.

'If you don't stop I'll have to report you.'

'I don't think you will, sweetheart. I know you.'

'And I know you. I know your dad had to bribe people so you can pass your college exams-'

His chuckle was short and unamusing. 'Sweetheart. You really think you can threaten me?' His fingers on her waist were digging into her skin right above the elastic on her scrubs. From the outside it was going to look like he was just hugging her. Especially with the smile plastered on his face. She wanted to kick him, or scream or do something, but she couldn't move. Her hands in her pockets dug in the protein bar she'd meant to have for lunch, crushing it to pieces.

They got in the elevator and she pressed the nearest button, uncaring of the floor. She just needed to get out of this. Calm and collected. Just get out of the fucking elevator and you'll be fine. Calm and collected.

And then he pressed the emergency button.

Don't panic don't panic don't panic. 'Sweetheart, don't you get it yet.' His hand was gently twisting a strand of her hair with his fingers as he stepped closer. She looked at him with glassy eyes, suddenly 17 years old again. 'I make the rules.'

She was backing away, but there wasn't much space behind her. 'If I wanted to, we would be having sex right now in this elevator. Got it? Nod that you understand.'

She stood frozen, unable to move. He pulled her hair until her body was flush with his, all of a sudden, and his fingers hashly squeezed one of her breasts with no warning until she squeeled in pain. 'Nod that you understand.'

Just get out of the fucking elevator. She tried to move out of his grip but he was too strong. 'Nod for me sweetheart, so that I know we understand each other.'

She nodded breathlessly and he let go as abruptly as it had all happened. She wasn't sure what the hell had actually happened. All she could do was feel greatful when the elevator started moving again. Then it stopped and he was out of the elevator waving at her with a fake smile. And the doors closed at it was over. And she'd done nothing, and it made her feel sick.

3.

They were all sitting at Joe's and having a drink, trying to cheer her up. About the morning; she still hadn't said a word about the elevator or the fact that she hadn't eaten anything the whole day, again. To her relief, they were all chatting on a post-surgeries high and no one had noticed anything. Maybe with a little luck, no one had to know. She knew on some level this was a dangerous precedent. But on an actual level? She was too exhausted to think about it anymore. To talk about it. To feel like he made her feel. She just wanted to feel normal for a second. And she had even managed to scrub in on a surgery as well, somehow pushing everything personal to the back of her mind. Their paths didn't cross for the rest of the day and she just needed to feel safe and normal for a second. It wasn't so bad. He didn't leave marks this time. Maybe if she didn't say anything...

She saw him at the back of the bar, accross from them. He was making out with a woman who seemed happy with his fingers exploring her chest under her shirt.

Meredith felt sick.

'It's not him.'

'What?' she looked at Izzie startled. She'd forgotten to hide her look of disgust for a second. She looked at the couple making out again. The guy was the same build and height as Liam, same dark hair, but when he turned she could see that Izzie was right. It wasn't Liam. The alcohol she'd drank on an empty stomach was revolting. She looked away, forcing back the tears. Her fault. This was her fault. She didn't have a right to feel this way if she wouldn't even attempt to tell someone or fight. She'd stood there like an idiot. Izzie put a hand on her back to comfort her, but she pulled away. And suddenly everyone was way too quiet and looking at her. Alex's eyes were burning a hole through her. Did he know anything? Sh*t.

'Do we understand each other?' She shook her head, but the voice had been in her head.

'I'm fine. D-dont- just don't-'

She stumbled out of the booth and went out. The air was cold and foggy and a relief to her feverish face. She moved to the corner where she wouldn't be see by anyone looking out of the window. There was just a guy talking on his phone afar. She clasped her hands over her mouth with all the power she had and screamed in them. Out of them, the sound was like the grunt of an animal. That guy probably thought she was insane, but she could care less. Doing this was the only thing holding her from falling apart. She croutched down to the ground, still holding her hands on her mouth so she doesn't disturb anyone.

'Meredith.'

She looked up. S**t. How hadn't she realized it was George? She was heaving, trying to use the wall to get up and he helped her.

'What's wrong? What happened? Did Alex say anything idiotic again.'

She burst into laughter. 'Jesus.' George was laughing with her, amused and concerned. And then she was crying.

'Oh! Hey, hey, no. Mer?' He patted her clumsily on the back, clueless.

'I'm fine.' She was whimpering now and crashed into his chest, clutching her body tightly. 'I'm fine.' He hugged her tightly, confused.

'Sweetheart-' He'd meant to be calming, not condecenting, but she pushed herself out of the hug sharly. He'd been the only one that hadn't gotten the memo about her and that word yet and she had no words to explain at that moment.

'F- you! I'm fine.' She was wobbly and completely in shock. Did she drink too much? He wasn't sure she could even see him and her mood was shifting every 5 seconds. He took a step towards her and retreated when she stepped back in panic. 'I'm fine.'

'Whoa! Okay. You're fine. Let's just go inside, get warm, have a drink. Okay?'

She nodded, numb. 'Okay.' She kept her body at a reasonable distance from his the whole time they were walking in. He sat her down, trying to warn the others without saying anything, unsuccessfully, and went for more drinks to bring her something. Her skin was prickly at the proximity of everyone else in the booth, but she couldn't say anything.

'She okay?' Alex was right behind him to 'help with the drinks.

'I don't have the slightest idea anymore.'

'What did you do?'

'Nothing. I was on the phone. And I don't even know- she was crying and hugging me, and then she was backing away- I don't know, seriously-'

'What do you mean?' She seemed fine through the day, despite her scare in the morning, and Alex was beginning to really worry. Something about how she was acting felt familiar, but he couldn't put his finger on it. He listened to George confused, but he could only descipher one thing- she wasn't fine. But what the hell could he say to her that he hadn't said or done? She had to know they all haad her back in this and if it was his choice, he'd just beat the guy into a bloody pulp. What else was there to say?

'Drinks?' He'd pushed George to ignore what happened for a bit, so he can see how she would act. He unceremoniously and unbothered, seemingly, plopped on the seat right next to her and ignored her trying to supress flinching. He pretended not to notice and jokingly hugged her. She shook of his hand. 'I have to go. Alex! Move, I have to go it's not funny.' Her fingers were sweaty and she could no longer keep calm. 'Alex please move!'

He shook his head negatively. Everyone was looking now. She was starting to hyperventlate, but he wasn't having the whole 'I'm fine' crap any longer. He put his hands up. 'I'm not touching you, I'm not going to hurt you. What's wrong?'

'Move dammit! F-king move!' She was actively pushing him away now, suffocating.

'Mer, you're fine, slow down. No one is touching you, you're not in any danger..' Christina didn't really like Alex much better, but she could see something important was happening. And Meredith had been in denial the whole day. If anyone could push her out, maybe it was Alex. Even if she disapproved of his methods.

She was heaving, unable to stop herself, humiliated that all of her emotions were on display. But it didn't change the way her body reacted.

'Alex stop, stop it, it's not funny. Just move!'

Christina and Alex exchanged looks and he nodded. 'Ok, fine, I'm moving, but I'm going to-' come with you, he'd meant to say, but she'd already bolted for the door. He followed her in the parking lot. She couldn't drive like that.

'Meredith- Mer' He had to almost run to keep up. 'You can't drive like that. Mer- seriously!'

She turned towards him and angrily threw the keys at him. 'Happy?' She slammed the door and sat on the front seat next to the driver seat.

'Extatic.' muttered Alex to himself and sighed, getting ready to be yelled at on the way. But she was dead quiet the whole way to their home, and was somehow even worse.

Alex wanted to say something, but had no idea what. In his effort to get her to open up somehow he'd made things worse and now she was freezing him off. He was almost relieved to see Shepherd waiting in front of their house. She went of the car and ran in the house, slamming the door in both of their faces. Derek gave him a curious look, but he followed in.

When he got to the room she was in bed already, facing away from him.

He wanted to ask, but he remembered what the therapist told him. He kneeled next to the bed in front of her, and covered her in the blanket so it covered her shoulders. 'I'll get some tea?'

He sighed at the lack of answer and got up for the kitchen. She finally felt like she can breathe. 'Derek? Please hold me.'

'Anytime, love.'

He snuggled behind her, and envelopped her in a hug.

'Please don't go tonight.'

'I'm not going anywhere.' She twisted and turned the whole night and he woke up multiple times to check on her. To her relief he didn't ask anything and she greatfully snuggled into the refuge of his hug whenever she awoke for any reason.