Maya walked into the apartment and heard the familiar sounds of Carina in the kitchen. She closed the door quietly, taking a moment to glance at herself in the entryway mirror. Her red-rimmed, puffy eyes revealed the tears she had been crying on the drive home. She let out a huff of breath, steeling herself for the conversation ahead. There was no way she could mask her emotions from her wife.
As she made her way toward the kitchen, Carina greeted her without turning around. "Ciao, bambina," she called out, busy doing dishes at the sink. Maya approached from behind and wrapped her arms around Carina's waist, gently placing her hands on her belly. "Hi, beautiful," she replied, trying to inject some normalcy into the moment.
Carina turned around to kiss her, but her expression shifted as she noticed the signs of distress on Maya's face. "Bambina, are you okay? Have you been crying?"
Maya looked down, unable to meet her gaze. Carina removed her dishwashing gloves and gently cupped Maya's cheeks, tilting her face up to look into her eyes. "Maya?" Carina's heart raced in her chest.
"Um... well... the hospital called on my drive home and..." she paused, feeling the anxiety tighten around her throat.
"What did they say, bambina?" Carina encouraged softly, her heart pounding with concern.
"Dr. Foster, a new doctor. He said... he said I need to go in to discuss my results. He wouldn't tell me on the phone..."
Carina's heart dropped at the news. She knew that a face-to-face meeting often indicated troubling results. "That means it's bad, right?" Maya asked, her voice trembling.
Carina hesitated, not wanting to instill more fear while grappling with her own rising anxiety. "I... I don't know, bambina. We won't know until we talk to the doctor. When's your appointment?"
"At the end of the week," Maya replied, the weight of dread hanging in the air between them.
"What day, bella? I'm supposed to be working Thursday and Friday, but I'll call first thing tomorrow to get the day off," Carina insisted, wanting to be there for her wife.
"You don't have to come," Maya responded, a defensive edge creeping into her voice. She felt the urge to push Carina away, as if shielding her from the potential hurt this appointment could bring.
Carina was taken aback. "Maya, I'm not letting you go alone."
"Well, I'm pretty sure I know what they are going to say, so what's the point of both of us going and getting the news?" Maya retorted, pacing the kitchen, her thoughts spiraling.
"Maya, you don't know yet. Why are you pushing me away?" Carina asked, her worry deepening as she watched Maya's frantic movements.
"I just... I don't know. Why is this happening now? I should be the one taking care of you, not the other way around. What if I keep getting worse and can't support you as you grow our baby? What if you have to do this all alone and feel like I'm not doing enough? What if..."
Carina stepped forward, cutting her off. "Bambina... I would never feel like that," she said firmly, taking Maya's arms in her hands and forcing her to meet her gaze. "You're my wife, in illness and in health, remember?"
Maya couldn't help but smirk slightly. "In sickness and in health."
"Oh, you know what I meant," Carina replied with a sad smile. "I took a vow, bambina, and I would never go back on that. I'm with you always, as I know you are with me. Now, what day is your appointment?"
"Friday morning," Maya replied, her heart softening at Carina's persistence to be there for her.
"Okay, I'll be there. We're in this together, bella," Carina assured her, the strength in her voice steadying Maya's racing thoughts.
"Thank you," Maya whispered, feeling a rush of embarrassment for trying to push Carina away. It was a stark reminder of the old Maya, but she knew she was no longer that person.
Carina pulled Maya into a tight hug, whispering, "Ti amo, bambina." Maya sank into the embrace, inhaling the sweet, comforting scent of her wife—the most soothing scent in her world.
The next day, Maya sat in the beanery at the station, cradling her morning coffee. The warmth of the cup contrasted sharply with the chill of anxiety that had settled in her chest. She stared into the steaming liquid, lost in thought, her mind racing with worries about the upcoming appointment.
She was sitting alone in her thoughts for a while when Andy walked in, starting to make her own coffee while stealing glances at Maya, who hadn't raised her head to acknowledge anyone else being in the room. After a few attempts to make some noise—clinking cups and tapping the counter—Andy sighed, realizing how deeply Maya was entrenched in her thoughts.
"Hey, Mai," she said gently, placing a hand on Maya's shoulder, hoping to break through the fog. "You okay?"
Maya snapped back to reality, startled to see Andy standing over her. "Oh... hey... yeah, I'm fine," she replied, though her voice lacked conviction.
Andy took a seat across from her, studying Maya's expression with concern. "Are you sure? You weren't really here just now."
Maya looked down at her coffee, which had cooled to lukewarm, mirroring her own sense of discomfort. The tension in her chest tightened, and she found it hard to meet Andy's gaze.
"The hospital called yesterday... I need to go in on Friday to discuss the results," she admitted, her voice tinged with sadness.
Andy's expression shifted from concern to empathy. "Maya..." she began, her voice soft. "I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how hard and scary this must be for you."
Maya nodded, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "I just... I didn't expect to feel this way. It's like everything I've been trying to hold onto is slipping away. I don't want to burden Carina, but I can't shake this feeling of fear of the unknown. I'm meant to be the strong one, and I feel like I'm a mess."
"Hey, you're not a burden, and it's not healthy to be strong all the time, Mai. We all have moments where we need to accept support from other people," Andy reassured her, leaning in slightly. "You have every right to feel this way. It's a lot to process, and I know the old Maya, the Maya before Carina, would try to get through this all alone, but you don't have to anymore. You have so many people that love you, Maya. Carina wants to be there for you; so do I. And whatever happens at your appointment, when you are ready to tell the team, I know they will be right by your side too."
"I know," Maya replied, her voice barely above a whisper. "But it's hard to let people in when I don't even know how I feel about it all. I just feel scared all the time."
"Fear is a natural response to a situation like this," Andy said gently. "But remember, you're surrounded by people who care about you. You're stronger than you think, and you'll get through this. We'll all be here for you."
Maya took a deep breath, the comfort of Andy's words supporting her in more ways than she thought they could. "Thank you, Andy."
Andy smiled encouragingly. "You don't have to carry this weight alone. Let's take it one day at a time, okay?"
Maya nodded. "One day at a time," she repeated, allowing herself a small smile in return. Although her chat with Andy made her feel better in the moment, Maya knew that to get through the next few days, she had to do something different. What she was doing now wasn't working, and at this rate, she was going to drown in her emotions.
The next few days passed in a blur for Maya. She immersed herself in work, returning home each night and doing her normal routine of dinner and sleep, only to rise and do it all over again. Normalcy was what she craved, a semblance of routine that distracted her from the impending appointment.
Her father's mantra of "eyes forward" echoed in her mind, becoming the only way to keep her from crumbling. She knew that thinking this way was only taking her backward and that Carina would be so disappointed in her, but at this point, it was the only thing that was working.
She found a strange sense of comfort in knowing she could be normal right now; she was technically not sick yet. After her conversation with Andy, she pushed all her feelings down, burying them deep beneath the surface. She understood that this wasn't a healthy coping mechanism, but the alternative—facing her fears—felt far more daunting. She didn't like the person she felt she was becoming: scared, sad, and weak.
Throughout the week, Maya acted as if everything was perfectly fine. She avoided mentioning her appointment to Carina or Andy, diverting conversations to lighter topics, like the baby's progress or anything completely unrelated to her appointment. Carina grew concerned with each passing day; she could sense Maya's change in mood, and whenever she tried to bring up the topic, Maya instantly shifted the focus elsewhere.
Eventually, Carina gave up, choosing to go along with Maya's facade of normalcy. Yet, in the back of her mind, she worried. She knew this act couldn't last forever; it was only a matter of time before the weight of it all became too heavy to bear.
Carina confided in Andy, sending a few messages throughout the week to check in on Maya while she was at work. Andy echoed Carina's concerns, noting that Maya was maintaining the same facade at work, acting as if nothing was happening. They both knew this was classic old Maya behavior—shoving her feelings aside to avoid vulnerability.
"Maybe we should try again to gently encourage her to talk," Carina suggested in one of their messages.
"And risk pushing her away? I don't think that's the right approach," Andy replied. "You know how she gets when she feels cornered. We can't force her to open up; she'll do it when she's ready."
Carina sighed, feeling helpless. "I just wish I could do something more. I haven't seen this side of Maya since we first got together."
"She'll be okay. She does this, and eventually she will open up again," Andy reassured her. "Let's just keep an eye on her, and if she needs us, we'll be right here."
Friday arrived faster than Maya would like, and she woke up with the heavy weight of reality pressing down on her. Today was the day of her appointment, and there was no more avoiding it. She couldn't have another normal day; the thought sent a wave of dread through her. Groaning into her pillow, she tried to suppress her emotions, not wanting to wake her sleeping wife beside her.
As she glanced at the clock, the red numbers read 5:30 AM. She turned to see Carina still in a deep sleep, soft snores escaping her lips—a peaceful sight that both comforted and pained Maya. She knew that the calm wouldn't last, and she needed to find a way to alleviate the unease that had settled heavily in her stomach.
Deciding that a run might help clear her mind, she quietly slipped out of bed and changed into her running gear. As she stood in front of the mirror, topless and staring at herself, the reality of her situation hit her, and she knew she couldn't ignore what was happening any longer. With a deep breath, she decided to feel the lump—something she hadn't dared to do in weeks, fearing the anxiety it would bring.
As her fingers grazed the area, her heart dropped when she realized it had grown, noticeably so. Panic gripped her as she felt its size—much larger than when she first discovered it. The realization sent a chill down her spine, and her stomach twisted in knots. She glanced over at Carina, who was still sleeping, blissfully unaware of her turmoil.
For a moment, all her worries threatened to engulf her, but she shook them off, refusing to let them take hold. Quickly changing into her running clothes, she took a final glance at Carina before tiptoeing out of the bedroom and heading outside, hoping the fresh air would clear her mind, even if just for a little while.
As she began to run, the rhythmic pounding of her feet against the pavement helped to drown out the chaos swirling in her head. She pushed herself harder than she had in a while, trying to outrun the thoughts that threatened to pull her under. But as the miles passed beneath her, she found that no amount of running could shield her from what she had to face.
Deciding to turn around, she headed back home, ready to get this day over with.
As Maya stepped back into the apartment, the smell of breakfast filled the air, and she could hear Carina softly humming a tune as she moved around the kitchen. A small smile spread across Maya's face, a momentary lift in her spirits despite the fear that still lingered in her stomach.
Entering the kitchen, she was greeted by Carina's warm, welcoming smile. "Buongiorno, bambina," Carina said, her eyes sparkling with affection.
"Morning, babe," Maya replied, crossing the room to give her wife a kiss.
"I didn't hear you get up. How was your run?" Carina asked.
"It was okay," Maya answered, not giving Carina much.
Carina hesitated, weighing her next question, but ultimately decided to ask, "How are you feeling about today, bella?"
Maya met her wife's gaze, probably looking like a lost puppy. She was drained from maintaining the facade of normalcy all week, and she realized she couldn't keep it up any longer. "Um, I don't really know... scared, maybe," she admitted, her vulnerability spilling out in her words.
Carina immediately dropped what she was doing and moved closer. "Oh, bambina..." she began, opening her arms to wrap Maya in a comforting embrace. But before Carina could say anything else, Maya instinctively pulled back.
"I'm all sweaty and gross. I'm just going to have a shower. I'll be right back... I love you," Maya said hurriedly, giving Carina one more quick kiss before slipping away from the kitchen. She knew that if she stayed much longer, the floodgates would open, and she'd break down in tears.
As she stepped into the shower, the warm water fell over her. She closed her eyes, letting the water wash away the sweat and tension, but it did little to ease the fear inside her. She used this time to prepare herself for the day, knowing she was going to have to face everything she had avoided up until now.
Stepping out of the shower, she wrapped herself in a towel and allowed herself a moment to remember the conversations she had had with both Andy and Carina. Reminding herself that no matter what the doctor said, she wasn't alone—she had Andy, her friends and her wife; she wasn't a burden... she wasn't a burden. Maya repeated to herself, trying to make herself believe it as best as possible.
Maya sat nervously in Dr. Foster's office, her heart racing as she glanced at the clock on the wall. The ticking seemed to echo her anxiety, making the wait feel endless. She fidgeted with her wedding ring, and Carina, who was sitting beside her, noticed. Carina entwined her fingers with Maya's to help ease her anxiety.
Finally, the door swung open, and Dr. Foster stepped inside, offering a warm smile as he introduced himself. "Good morning, I'm Dr. Foster. It's nice to meet you both." His tone was calm and professional. Although Carina had seen him around the hospital, she had never officially met him. She knew he was part of the oncology team, which made her feel uneasy.
"Nice to meet you too," Maya replied, her voice a little shaky as she met his gaze. Carina squeezed Maya's hand reassuringly.
Dr. Foster pulled up a chair and sat down, his demeanor shifting to serious as he prepared to deliver the news. "I have quite a bit of information to share with you today, so please feel free to ask any questions along the way," he began, and Maya felt her heart sink. "After reviewing your tests, your results show that you have stage 1B breast cancer."
The words hung in the air, and Maya's breath caught in her throat as she processed the diagnosis. Breast cancer... she has cancer. The term felt foreign and terrifying. Carina could see the color drain from Maya's face. Her grip tightened around Maya's hand, offering silent strength as Maya struggled to take it all in. Unconsciously, Carina began to squeeze Maya's hand harder than before, not even realizing she was doing it as she grappled with what this all meant for her beautiful wife.
Dr. Foster continued, his voice steady and clear. "Since it is still in the Stage 1 phase, it means that the cancer is confined to the breast tissue and a few nearby lymph nodes. It's in the early stage, which is a positive aspect." He leaned forward slightly and grabbed a few pamphlets from the corner of his desk. "We have several treatment options to consider."
Maya nodded, trying to focus as Dr. Foster outlined the choices. "We can pursue a lumpectomy, which involves removing the cancer along with a margin of healthy tissue. This option is suitable due to the size and position of the tumor." He paused, allowing the information to sink in before moving on. "Alternatively, we could perform a mastectomy, where the entire breast is removed. This is the best option for preventing the cancer from coming back in the future. If you choose this route, we can discuss breast reconstruction either at the time of surgery or later on."
Maya nodded; it was the only response she seemed able to give at this moment.
Dr. Foster acknowledged that Maya wasn't going to ask questions at this point, so he continued. "I would also suggest that we conduct gene expression profiling tests. We can do this once we remove the tumor from your breast. This will provide us with information on how likely it is that your cancer could return after this treatment phase."
Maya felt a whirlwind of emotions—fear, confusion, and anxiety—as she contemplated her options. The thought of removing her breast overwhelmed her, making her feel physically ill.
Dr. Foster continued, "Since the cancer has also affected some lymph nodes, we will need to remove all or some of the lymph nodes in your armpit and breast. This procedure is called a targeted axillary dissection." He explained that this surgery could be done at the same time as the breast surgery or as a separate procedure if that was what she preferred.
"In addition to surgery, I recommend a course of radiotherapy for a minimum of six months," Dr. Foster added, his tone measured. "Radiotherapy will use high-energy x-rays to kill the cancer cells in your body and prevent it from getting any worse. You can expect between five to fifteen treatments, but we'll determine the exact number following surgery based on your results." His words hung in the air, and Maya felt the gravity of each detail, knowing that her life was about to change drastically.
Maya's mind continued to race with the implications of each option. The mention of radiotherapy made her feel even worse, and she glanced at Carina for reassurance, who gave her a small smile. The weight of these decisions felt immense, especially considering that it wasn't just her life that would be affected. She worried about how she would support Carina during the final stages of her pregnancy and even when the baby was born while undergoing medical treatment for possibly more than six months. The thought of balancing her own health challenges with the needs of her growing family filled her with anxiety.
Carina chimed in, "Will she need chemotherapy?"
Dr. Foster directed his eyes at Maya. "At this stage, I don't believe you will need chemotherapy, but there is a chance that you may require immunotherapy or targeted cancer drugs. We'll reassess that after the surgery."
Throughout this entire appointment, Carina had kept a watchful eye on Maya, her heart aching as she witnessed the range of emotions that flickered across her wife's face. Maya's silence felt deafening; she seemed lost in a daze, grappling with the reality of her diagnosis. Carina felt the sting of tears welling up in her eyes, but she fought them back, determined to stay strong for Maya.
As Dr. Foster finished, he looked at both of them, ready to answer any questions. Carina gently nudged Maya's arm, encouraging her to speak, but Maya remained quiet, her mind a whirlwind of thoughts and fears.
"Maya, I know this is a lot to take in," Dr. Foster said softly, sensing the struggle within her. "It's okay to feel overwhelmed. Do you have any questions or concerns that you'd like to discuss?"
She looked at Carina, who nodded encouragingly, silently telling her to say what was on her mind, but Maya remained silent, not seeming to be able to find any words. Carina felt an overwhelming urge to step in. Her voice initially came out in a crackle, betraying the emotional weight she was carrying. "Um... so... when do we want to start the process?" she asked, glancing at Maya, who remained quiet, her gaze now focused on the floor.
Dr. Foster looked at Maya. "As I mentioned, you have a few different options, and I want you to take a few days to decide what direction you'd like to go in," he explained gently. "However, I would really like to schedule your surgery as soon as possible, especially since the lump appears to be growing."
Carina squeezed Maya's hand before nodding toward Dr. Foster. "Cancer is a fast-moving disease, and we really don't want to risk it spreading any further," he emphasized.
"Of course," Carina replied, her voice steadier now. "We'll go home and discuss the options, right, bambina?" She turned to Maya, who finally met her gaze and nodded slowly, a small gesture but one that gave Carina a small amount of relief to see her interacting again.
Maya finally opened her mouth to speak but quickly closed it again, hesitation clouding her thoughts. Carina noticed and encouraged her gently, "It's okay, bambina. You can ask anything."
"Um... um..." Maya hesitated, taking a shaky breath. "What's the survival rate for breast cancer?" she gulped, her eyes shifting from Carina to Dr. Foster, vulnerability evident in her expression.
Dr. Foster leaned forward slightly, his tone reassuring. "As we've caught this early, the survival rate for stage 1B breast cancer is 99%," he responded with confidence. "But like I said, we need to start treatment sooner rather than later to prevent it from moving any further."
Maya processed Dr. Foster's words, feeling a flicker of hope amidst her fear. She managed a nod before asking another question, deliberately avoiding her wife's gaze, knowing Carina might disapprove. "And umm... can I continue working?" she asked, feeling Carina shift uncomfortably next to her.
"That is completely a personal preference. I see here that you are a firefighter, which is a very strenuous job. I would recommend taking time to rest after your surgery. However, if you're feeling okay during your treatments, then yes, you will be able to continue working. Just keep in mind that you will be immunocompromised due to radiotherapy and possible immunotherapy," Dr. Foster explained.
"Okay, thank you," Maya replied, her voice soft. Not wanting to press further, she fell silent, absorbing the information.
A few more questions were exchanged between Carina and Dr. Foster—questions filled with medical jargon that Maya struggled to comprehend—Carina was diligent, making sure she understood everything clearly.
As they prepared to leave, Dr. Foster handed Maya the pamphlets he had grabbed earlier, which from a glance she could see were all about breast cancer and additional information on the various treatment options. "These might help you both as you decide what treatments will be best for you," he said kindly.
Maya and Carina thanked Dr. Foster and said their goodbyes, stepping out of the office. The weight of the diagnosis lingered heavily on both women, causing them to walk in silence as they made their way toward the car.
When they hopped into the car, Maya glanced at Carina, whose expression was filled with concern for her wife. The worry etched on Carina's face deepened Maya's sense of vulnerability. Both women knew that the next few days would be a rollercoaster of emotions, decisions, and adjustments—decisions that could determine their future immensely.
Maya took a deep breath, steeling herself for what lay ahead, while Carina reached over, squeezing her hand gently. It was a silent promise of support, a reminder that they would face this challenge together, no matter how daunting it may seem.
The car started, and as they pulled away from the hospital, both women sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Maya thought about the treatments, the potential side effects, and how she could continue to support her family through all of this.
Carina, on the other hand, worried about how to support her wife while also preparing for their upcoming arrival. But through their fears, there was an unspoken understanding that they would draw strength from one another as they faced the challenges of what came next.