Morgan awoke with a start and looked to the clock. It was 12pm. He'd slept way too long. He was slumped against the headboard of Reid's bed with a pillow tucked behind him. The familiar feeling of Reid's head on his chest was no longer there.
He automatically looked to the bathroom. There was no sign. Sitting himself up, he started moving towards the hallway and quickly made his way downstairs.
He went straight into the library and found Reid sitting in his reading chair. His gaze rose from the book in front of him as Morgan entered the room.
Breathing a sigh of relief, Morgan smiled kindly.
"How are you?"
Reid shrugged and landed his gaze back on his book.
"I'm fine." He looked terrible. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot and he had huge dark circles under his eyes. He certainly didn't look 'fine'. He looked like he'd been up for hours already.
"You look exhausted. Do you have a headache?" He asked, more than aware of the hangover that could only be turning Reid's head to mush.
"No. I'm fine." He said simply, not looking up from his book.
Morgan raised his eyebrows. This was not what he had hoped for today. After last night, he was so sure they'd had a breakthrough. But now, Reid was back to the same shielded demeanour he'd displayed for the last week or so. Morgan could have cried.
"I'll get you some painkillers." He said gently.
"I'll get them." Reid quickly stood up and brushed past Morgan and out of the room. Morgan was taken aback but turned and followed him.
Morgan entered the kitchen and found Reid popping two pills out of a packet.
"Reid, we need to talk." Reid just turned himself away and looked out of the window. Morgan continued. "Do you remember what happened last night?" Reid just shifted uncomfortably. Morgan could see his shoulders tense up. He didn't answer. "Do you remember the guy in the bar? And what almost happened?" Reid's head dropped, his gaze resting on the counter. Morgan took that as a yes. "I'm worried about you, kid. You put yourself in a bad position and it scared me. That guy could have done anything to you."
"It was fine." He said simply. He turned and tried to leave the room but Morgan put his arm across the door. Reid took a step back, frustration flashed in his eyes.
"No, Reid. It wasn't 'fine'. The things you said last night, like you feel that's all your good for, you need to talk about it." Reid moved away from Morgan and back to the counter, his gaze was firmly on the ground. "Then you came on to me. Do you remember?"
Reid's jaw tightened.
"I know this makes you uncomfortable but we can't keep going on this way. You getting drunk and throwing yourself at people isn't going to make this any better. You were lucky last night that I was there. You can't carry on like this." Reid rolled his eyes, pouring himself a glass of water and swallowing down the tablets. "Are you listening to me?" Morgan pressed.
"Okay." Reid said flatly.
Morgan analysed him for a few moments. His words had no effect at all. Reid was clearly just humouring him.
He moved forward to put a hand onto Reid's arm. Reid wrenched it away and walked around him. "Don't. Just leave me alone." He left the kitchen. Morgan heard the door to the library slam shut.
Morgan sighed. It was going to be another one of those days and he didn't know how much more he could take.
Morgan had left Reid alone for nearly three hours. He'd not seen him since their brief 'conversation' in the kitchen, if you could call it that. He was deeply worried. Going to the kitchen, he made Reid a coffee, intending on extending it as some form of olive branch to break the tension.
Morgan entered the library and found Reid sat at his desk writing. It looked like he had written pages of text. He furrowed his brows, curiosity getting the better of him. Placing the cup down next to him, he tilted his head.
"What are you writing?"
"A letter." Reid said simply.
"A letter? To who?" Morgan asked inquisitively.
"To whom." Reid corrected. "To my Mom."
Morgan frowned a little.
"Your Mom? I thought you weren't writing to her for a while. Until you felt better?"
Reid just shrugged. "She wanted the truth."
Morgan looked at him for a few moments, trying to figure out if there was any possibility that he was being facetious.
"Reid, you know you can't make stuff up in that letter." Morgan said, hoping beyond hope that the letter was full of lies.
"I'm not making stuff up. She wanted the truth." He said, repeating himself and pushing another finished sheet aside.
Morgan reached out to take a look and Reid's hand slammed down on top of it.
"Reid... what is in that letter?" Morgan asked cautiously.
"The truth." He reiterated plainly.
Morgan leaned over slightly, reading around Reid's hand. His eyes widened in horror as he read the contents.
"Reid, you can not send that to her."
Reid stopped writing as if this was an unexpected development.
"Why?"
Morgan scoffed. "Why? Because it will destroy her."
"And not hearing from me for months will do what exactly?" Reid answered, irritated.
"Reid, I think she'd rather not hear from you than hear this."
"But it's the truth." Reid sounded offended.
"But Reid-"
"What you're really saying is that I should be too ashamed to send this." Reid said flatly. Anger tarnishing his voice.
"No, god Reid, no. But your Mother isn't a well woman."
"She's still my Mom."
Morgan closed his eyes, sadness washing over him. He spoke gently and carefully. "I know, kid. But you know she can't support you in the way you hope she will."
Morgan felt his chest tighten in sympathy. He just wanted to give Reid a hug. He clearly wanted his Mom. He needed his Mom to hug him and tell him everything was going to be okay. Something she had rarely done in her life. He understood, but no amount of hoping was going to change things.
Reid's brows furrowed. "She deserves to know what her son is."
"What her son is? Reid? Come on, man." Morgan rubbed a stressed hand down his face.
"She will be fine." Reid stated.
"No... no she won't be." Morgan said putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. He spoke incredibly gently. "She's severely mentally ill, Reid. This letter could break her."
"She's already broken." Reid stated, shrugging off Morgan's hand.
Morgan shook his head. "Reid, I'm really sorry, I am. But I can't let you do this."
Reid huffed, his shoulders tensed up.
"Last I checked, Morgan, you don't get to decide what I tell my own mother."
Morgan tried to keep his voice low and steady. "I'm not trying to tell you what to do." He placated. "But this letter could push your Mom over the edge."
Reid suddenly banged his fist on the desk and whirled round to face Morgan.
"Why don't you just mind your own business?!"
Morgan took a step back and held his hands up. "Reid. I'm just trying to help."
"Well don't! You're not helping! You're interfering and I don't appreciate it!" Reid stepped up to him confrontationally.
"Reid, I just don't want this to make your Mom ill because then it makes things worse for you, that's all."
Reid's eyes were angry. "What the hell would you know about it? You come to see her once and you think you know it all? Well you don't. You know nothing!" Reid poked a hard finger into his shoulder.
"Woah! Okay, okay!"
Morgan took another step back.
"I'm sick of you trying to control everything I do! Why the hell can't you just back off and leave me alone!"
"I'm not trying to control you. I care about you, kid and I don't want to see you make things worse for yourself."
"Make things worse for myself? How could things possibly get any worse, Morgan?"
There was a slight slip in his speech that made Morgan quirk his head.
"Have you been drinking?"
Reid broke eye contact for a split second.
"So what if I have?"
Morgan looked disappointed. "Reid, after last night I didn't-"
"Last night." Reid scoffed. "All I'm ever going to hear about now is last night. Okay, yeah, I had a little breakdown. It happens. You don't have to keep bringing it up."
"You didn't have a 'little' breakdown. You completely fell apart! And it's okay." Morgan reached out to him.
"Just let it go!" Reid said furiously as if Morgan was being overly dramatic.
"Let it go? So we're just going to ignore the fact that you almost ended up giving oral sex to some old pervert, huh?" Morgan said challengingly.
Reid's face twitched with anger.
"Shut up!" He snapped, his cheeks flushing.
Morgan held his fingers up. "And the fact that you were this close to doing the same to me."
Reid eyed him carefully, trying to read him.
"So is that what this is about?"
Morgan's eyebrows quirked in confusion. "What?"
"That I didn't finish the job?" Seeing the scandalised look on Morgan's face he continued with a laugh. "You keep bringing it up! Why don't you just be honest?"
"Excuse me?" Morgan said dangerously. "I'm gonna pretend that you didn't just say that."
"Pretend all you want. We both know it's true. You've seen everyone else have a go so why not? At least I trust you, right?" Morgan looked at him completely astounded. This was shocking enough coming out of Reid's mouth when he was completely intoxicated. When mostly sober, it was terrifying. "I'll tell you what Morgan, why don't you just get it over and done with." He started unbuttoning his shirt. " I won't tell anyone."
Morgan looked Reid up and down, shaking his head. "You've lost it." He said, anger tensing up his voice.
Reid was on his fourth button when he reached out to grab Morgan's hand. He watched him in horrified fascination, unable to move from shock. An old bite mark was visible on his chest and Morgan couldn't stop himself from staring at it. Reid pulled the hand to his chest and went to place it inside his shirt. Morgan wrenched it back fiercely.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?! You're fucking sick!"
Reid's eyes flickered with doubt for a second, then it was gone. He moved forwards until Morgan's back hit a bookcase. It made him jump. Every fibre of Morgan's being was resisting hitting out. For the first time ever, Reid was actually making him nervous.
"I know it's what you want." Reid whispered. His voice shaking.
Reid then dropped to his knees staring up at Morgan with huge, submissive and fearful eyes and his hands behind his back. Exactly as Morgan had read about them telling him to do in his statement. Morgan just stared back at him, equally wide eyed with a snarled expression of disgust on his lips.
"Reid, don't do that. Get up." Morgan said, his voice angry and shaking.
Reid looked genuinely perplexed, like he didn't know what to do with himself. "This is wrong?" Morgan knew he was referring to the way he was doing it rather than what he was actually doing.
"Get up." Morgan said harshly.
Reid's hand reached out towards the belt again.
"But you want-"
Morgan grabbed his hand and twisted it round, making Reid cry out.
"Next time that hand comes near me, I break it. Does that makes things clear enough for you?" Morgan hissed through gritted teeth. He let go of it and Reid pulled it back to his chest, rubbing it with his other hand. His gaze had dropped ahead of him. Morgan looked down on his friend and shook his head. "You need help." He walked around him and left the room, slamming the door behind him.
Reid stared forward intensely for a long minute, not moving. Then he blinked hard a few times and stood, walking back over to the desk. He sat down and continued writing his letter.
Morgan was pacing the kitchen with his phone ringing out. He was once again beside himself. He had hoped that after Reid had broken down last night he would be processing things a little more. But if anything he seemed angrier and more unpredictable. And the fact that he had, once again, offered himself up for sexual favours was disturbing him deeply.
"Agent Morgan." A light voice rang out from the other end.
"Dr. Hale. I'm wondering if you can help me?" His voice was shaky and nervous.
"I will do my best. Is everything alright?"
"Erm, no, not really. Could you possibly see Reid today instead of me?"
She cleared her throat a little. "I could, but he would need to be in agreement."
Morgan let out a desperate sigh. "He's not going to do that."
"I'm afraid without his consent, I can't rearrange any appointments for him. Whilst these are mandated by the Bureau , if he doesn't want to see me at all, he doesn't have to. Obviously that would affect his employment, but he's not obliged to see me."
Morgan shook his head. "I'm worried about him. He's really not well."
"Is he harming himself?"
Morgan scoffed. "Not physically."
"Do you think he is at risk of harming himself or others?"
Morgan laughed a disturbed laugh. "At the moment I have no idea what he's capable of."
"Has he mentioned harming himself or anyone else?" She pressed, trying to get a straight answer out of him.
"No." Morgan huffed. He knew this meant that there would be no help until Reid decided to actively participate.
"Then I'm afraid there is little I can do unless he wants to speak to me today."
"Oh don't give me that! He's offering himself to me for sex. Last night he actually tried undoing my belt and now he's just got on his knees in front of me. Does that sound like someone who's well to you?!"
He heard her take a deep inhale.
"Let me try calling him. I will tell him I have an appointment free today and see what he says."
"Well either way, move my appointment to next week. I need to keep an eye on him. I don't know where he might go or what he might do." Morgan said with a sigh.
"Agent Morgan, it's important that you also look after yourself. If Dr. Reid won't take this appointment I really do think it would be good for you-"
"No. I'm not letting it happen again. Move it to next week." He said sharply.
He heard Dr. Hale sigh.
"Okay. I'll message you a new appointment."
"Thank you... please, please call Reid."
"I will, Agent. I will.
Morgan ended the call and stopped pacing the kitchen. He leaned against the countertop and took a few deep breaths.
He heard Reid's phone ringing from the other room. He quietly rushed to the door, hardly breathing so he was silent. He listened carefully.
It kept ringing. And ringing. And ringing.
Come on, Reid. Answer it.
The ringing stopped. Morgan's heart sank.
Then the ringing started again. Morgan hoped beyond hope that Reid would pick it up.
It kept ringing. Morgan held himself back, he was desperate to burst in and tell Reid to answer the phone, but after what just happened he knew it wouldn't be well received.
The ringing stopped again. He rested his forehead against the door. He felt like crying. He couldn't do this on his own anymore. It was getting too much. He was so close to snapping.
The ringing began again. Then he heard the blissful sound of Reid 's voice.
"What?"
That answer in itself told Morgan how far he was from himself.
"I'm not interested."
Morgan grimaced.
"Cancel them all... Yes, all of them... I don't care."
Morgan's eyes opened wide. If he did this he would lose his job.
"Yes. Bye."
He stood for a few moments. Energy was pulsing through his hands. He tried to resist turning the door handle but this was Reid's job. His life on the line. Unable to help himself he opened the door.
Reid was sat in the reading chair with his head in his hands. His phone was on the floor.
Morgan paused, then moved to sit in the desk chair opposite. He wheeled it a little closer so he was in a less threatening or controlling position.
He felt like he was dealing with an unpredictable animal. He needed a calm and steady approach.
"I'm sorry if I hurt you." He said gently. Reid didn't respond. "Reid? Can we talk?"
Reid just kept his head down. "Sure." He mumbled.
Morgan cleared his throat anxiously. "I think you need some help." He looked imploringly at his younger friend.
Reid just sighed. Morgan tried again.
"Honestly, I'm struggling here and I'm scared for you. You need to talk to someone, and if not me then someone professional."
"I can't." Reid whispered.
"Reid. You have to, man." Morgan said softly.
"I don't have to do anything." He snapped, his hands grasping in his hair.
"Look, after Buford, I was a mess. For a long time. I pretended I was okay and didn't talk about it-"
"Unlike now." Reid said bitingly, his hands tightening their grip. His foot started tapping.
Morgan twitched a little at the comment but carried on regardless.
"But it doesn't help. In fact, it makes it worse. I had all these feelings inside me that I kept bottled up and they festered, made me bitter and angry-"
"I'm not you, Morgan."
"I'm not saying you are, Reid. But look at you. This isn't you. You're so irritable." He said softly. "The... things you are doing... they're not healthy. You need to talk. It helped me so much to talk to someone about what happened and how I felt about it."
"Yeah, well we're not all like you. Some of us just want to move on and not relive it all the time." Reid bit again. This time his gaze had landed on Morgan. It was hard.
Morgan was going to continue, then took a pause as the words caught up with him. His head tilted in offence.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Reid met his gaze unflinchingly.
"I don't want to be part of this 'survivors club' that you seem to have going on. I don't need to wear it like a damn medal. You might be happy to keep living in that moment forever but that won't be me."
Morgan sat back, eyes wide and deeply offended.
"You think that's what I do?" Morgan's eyes flashed with hurt.
"Well don't you?" Reid said, his voice snarky and challenging.
"No, Reid. That's not what I do. I'm only bringing it up because I'm trying to help you."
"Well don't bother. If you want to talk about it, talk to a therapist." Reid stood and moved over casually to a bookcase.
Morgan looked at him wide eyed, in complete shock at the brutality of his words. To hear such words coming from the person he considered his best friend, it was hurtful. It was such a contrast to the conversation they had a couple of weeks ago in the conference room.
"Do you actually hear yourself right now?" Morgan asked in disbelief.
"Do you hear yourself?" Reid spun round, his composure gone. "How many years ago was it now? You still can't let it go? You say I have problems? Well, I damn sure won't be like you still obsessing and trying to keep my trauma alive 20 years down the god damn road!"
Morgan's temper flared despite his best attempts to stop it, he stood and stared down Reid dangerously.
"Trying to keep my trauma alive?" He repeated through gritted teeth.
Seeing the fire in Morgan's eyes only served to inflame Reid. He moved closer in a now familiar confrontation. "Yeah! You mean that isn't what you do? Keep reliving it instead of just- I don't know- getting over it?"
"Getting over it?" Morgan's eyebrows raised.
"Yes! Moving on! But no, you won't do that. You'd rather keep shoving it down people's throats so everyone thinks 'isn't Morgan so strong'. You can't help yourself. It's laughable. You've made your pride all about Buford!" He was being horrifically cruel and neither of them knew why. He didn't even flinch when he spat those words, wherever his conscience was, it was not present.
If Reid didn't know what he was saying, he had certainly picked an evocative phrase. He couldn't have said anything worse. Aggression sparked in Morgan at the implication. The familiar anger from his youth erupted to the surface. He felt his fingers twitching and the next second he had Reid's t-shirt in his hands and had shoved him up against the bookcase.
Reid winced as his bitten shoulder hit one of the shelves. It was only the split second closing of Reid's eyes and the clenching of his jaw that made Morgan loosen his grip in a moment of shocked clarity.
Morgan's eyes were wide and his breathing suddenly became very heavy as pure panic was starting to dance in his chest. His hands shook as he tried to keep a lid on his anger and upset. It scared him. He couldn't do this. He couldn't do this anymore. Reid needed to go. He had to go before something really bad happened.
"Get out."
When Reid looked at him defiantly, he forcibly grabbed his upper arm making Reid hide a wince and shoved him out of the library and into the hallway, his presence was too much of a trigger. Reid didn't fight him but he certainly didn't appear to be sorry.
"Does the truth hurt, Morgan?" Reid spat with a smile on his face.
Morgan's temper sparked and he threw Reid at the door, he hit it hard. Morgan couldn't even bring himself to look at him. He was on the verge of a full blown panic attack.
Reid collected himself and stood firmly, making no move to go. Morgan didn't even recognise the person stood in front of him.
"Make me!" He said, challenging, shoving Morgan back as he did.
"Get the fuck out!" Morgan opened the door and grabbed Reid by the back of the neck, practically launching him outside. Reid clumsily tripped over the doorstep as he did and landed hard on his side on the concrete. Spotting his jacket on the hook, Morgan threw that at him too. He slammed the door behind him, locked it and kicked it furiously as it closed. That kick would have landed on Reid if he'd stayed there any longer.
His breath was coming heavy and fast now, the panic attack was setting in. It was something he hadn't fully had in a long time. He paced the hallway trying to calm himself down but it wasn't working. The more he walked the more light headed he was feeling.
He took himself into the living room and sat in his chair, putting his head between his legs and resting his hands on the back of his head.
Thoughts of Buford were floating through his mind and his insecurities came flooding back. Did he make his life about Buford? Was he obsessed with him? Just like the man had always wanted. Why couldn't he just get over it and move on? Why did it still haunt him to this day?
Images he didn't want to see started creeping into his vision. He stood, angrily grabbing the candle from the centre of the coffee table and launched it across the room, his anger reaching peak levels. The candle hit the television, cracking it in the corner. He flipped the coffee table and turned, punching the wall multiple times creating a hole in the plaster. He screamed. The tension of the last 4 months and a lifetime of fighting off bad memories had finally broken him.
His hands were shaking, his knuckles now scuffed and bleeding a little. Once his pent up anger had been released, all that remained was upset. He collapsed back into the chair and cried.
He couldn't believe that Reid could be so heartless. So brutal. He had done nothing but support him from the moment he landed in hospital the first time. For him to practically spit those words felt like a dagger in his chest. He felt pathetic, stupid and embarrassed. He had been trying to help him, to relate to him and Reid had made him out to be some trauma obsessed sympathy seeker. Which, if anything, he felt like he'd done his absolute best in life to not become.
He didn't know who the person was that spat those words, but it wasn't Reid. Or perhaps it was? Perhaps that was what he had thought all along? Either way, it was a good thing that he'd gotten him out of the way, otherwise they would have had bigger problems than a cracked TV screen and a dented wall.
Reid had never been confrontational like that in the past. He was goading. The look in his eyes was unrecognisable.
Make me.
The image of Reid's already injured body hitting the concrete flashed into his mind and his stomach knotted. No matter how cruel he had been, Morgan couldn't help the small pang of worry that came with the image. He'd been lost in a combination of blind hot rage, fear and panic when he'd shoved him out. At that moment he didn't care what happened, he just needed him away before he did something he couldn't take back.
Morgan stood and headed to the front door. Half of him hoped that Reid was still there, sulking on the doorstep but the other half didn't know how he would deal with him if he was. There was too much hurt.
Opening the door, he found the doorstep empty. He'd gone. He looked up and down the road but there was no sign. Ignoring the gnawing feeling in his stomach, he closed the door with a sigh and headed to the kitchen. He couldn't handle this right now.
Making himself a coffee, he sat down on a stool, running his hand over his scalp. Something was nagging at him. He took himself through to the library and his heart sank when he spotted Reid's phone still on the floor. Morgan could have kicked himself.
Panic was now eating at him for a completely different reason and fear gripped his heart. Anything could happen and he would have no way of telling anyone.
Taking a breath, he needed to calm down. He would go and look for him. But his nerves were shot. And he wasn't entirely sure that if he found him right now he would be in a fit state to deal with him.
Morgan moved into the living room, surveying the damage he had done. It had been a long time since he had lost his temper like that. He turned over his coffee table, setting it back on its feet. He looked at his TV and cringed. There was a crack in the corner that extended inwards to the centre of the screen. That was not good.
He cursed himself. His lack of control has just cost him in the region of $1000. Not to mention the time it would take to reinforce and re-plaster his wall.
Groaning, he sat back down in the chair and tipped his head back.
What a fucking mess.
It had been four hours since Morgan had kicked Reid out of the house. He'd spent the last three driving to every possible bar he could think of. There was no sign of him anywhere.
Morgan's mind had driven him insane. Feeling completely helpless he'd done the only thing he could think to do. He called the calm and dependable David Rossi. He would have called him hours ago but he thought the team were still out of state. Fortunately for him, but not so much for his colleague, the team had just arrived back only two hours ago. Despite that, Rossi was there on Morgan's couch, ready to provide his support.
"He said that?"
Morgan nodded, head in his hands as he recapped the fight with his best friend.
"Wow." Rossi breathed out, truly shocked at the level of hurt those words had clearly aimed to cause. "I'm sorry you had to deal with that, Derek…. Are you okay?"
"Yeah… well, not really, man. I just can't believe the way he was. I barely recognised him." Morgan said, shaking his head still in disbelief.
"How has it been the last couple of days?" Rossi asked gently.
Morgan shot Rossi a look and shook his head. "Terrible. I assume you know about the drinking?"
"I had heard." Rossi said sombrely.
"Last night I found him in a bar, making out with some older guy. Rossi, he must have been at least 50. This guy takes him to the bathroom and he's expecting Reid to, well... you know." Rossi put a hand to his beard, a deep frown on his face. "So I stop it, obviously, and I get him home. But then he comes onto me. He was grabbing at my belt telling me that he knows I want it. After that he had a full on breakdown. He was sobbing for at least half an hour."
"God. Poor kid." Rossi breathed out.
"I'm hoping that this is the breakthrough that he needs. He's finally feeling something." Morgan explained passionately. "But this morning, he's right back to nothing again." Rossi just sat listening, contemplating. "He was even writing a letter to his Mom to tell her about everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. So we argued about that. And then he came onto me again. He dropped down to his fucking knees like some sex slave and offered himself to me."
Rossi hummed thoughtfully. Morgan looked at him questioningly.
Rossi waved him off, thinking better of stating his thoughts out loud at this moment.
"Dave, what is it?"
Rossi tightened his lips a little, still mulling over whether his words would be wise. Deciding to push forward he put a hand up to Morgan as if to say, 'just humour me'.
"Can I get your profiler head back on for a minute?" Rossi asked, sitting forward, his hands laced together.
"Yeah?" Morgan replied, curious as to where his older friend was going with this.
"You're in an interrogation with an Unsub. They've hidden their last victim's body and you want to know where it is. He does exactly the things that Reid has done to you: the insults, the fighting, the making you uncomfortable by coming onto you." Morgan furrowed his brows. "Why?"
"Why?"
"Yeah – why would the Unsub do that?" Rossi urged.
Morgan gave it a few moments thought.
"To upset me, to throw me off my game. But why would Reid want to upset me like that after everything I've done for him?"
Rossi nodded. "We're not talking about Reid. Why do you think the Unsub would want to do that?"
Morgan thought back to Rossi's original statement.
"To stop me from finding out where the body is. To distract me, redirect me."
"And would it work?"
"No, because I would know what he was doing." Morgan answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Rossi raised his eyebrows at him as if a realisation should be hitting him right about now. But he couldn't see it.
Rossi breathed out a sigh. "Reid is going to protect his feelings like the Unsub would protect his last hidden victim. This is why we don't inter-team profile, my friend. Once feelings and people we know are involved, we're just like anyone else. Clueless." Rossi said with a smile.
"He may be protecting his feelings but he's ripping mine to shreds!" Morgan said dropping his head into his hands. The analogy hadn't quite landed for him yet.
"And what did you do in response?" Rossi asked knowingly.
Morgan closed his eyes, feeling guilty.
"I threw him out."
"So the only person that's going to regularly check on him and his highly protected feelings has kicked him out. As far as he knows we are all out of state and when we're not we are mostly busy with work. So who is there now to look out for him? Who's going to make him talk or confront what happened?" Rossi said with a tight smile.
Morgan looked at Rossi in disbelief. How could he not have seen it?
"I'd say his blowouts have had the desired effect, wouldn't you?" Rossi smiled wryly.
"Oh god, why the hell didn't I see it?" He said putting his head in his hand. "Dammit, Reid."
"You can say what you like about the kid, but his defences are second to none. I don't even think he can control them."
"I knew he was dodging his feelings. I knew it. But I just couldn't hold it together once he started down that route."
"He went for the thing he knew would hurt you the most."
"He was cruel, Rossi."
Rossi nodded.
"And the one thing Reid isn't, is cruel. So what does that tell us?" He asked, trying to get Morgan's head to see the perspective again.
"That his head's a complete mess."
Rossi looked at him grimly and nodded.
"How long has he been out for now?" The concern was clear in Rossi's voice.
"Four hours." Rossi sucked in a breath through his teeth. "I know, man! I've searched all the bars in the city, or as many as I could. There's no sign of him anywhere. I was sure he'd have gone to a bar. Now I'm just worried to death. What if he's been attacked? Or if some of Maloney's guys have been watching him?"
"Calm down, kiddo." Rossi said, standing up getting ready to head out.
"Man, I've made a complete mess of this."
"No, Derek. He'd have gotten under your skin one way or another. You're the one person he has consistently allowed close to him since Jason and you're the one person who can break down his defences. So you're the first person he's going to distance himself from. If he couldn't do it with his words he'd have done it with sex."
Morgan shook his head. "He looked confused when I rejected him. Like he genuinely thought I would do that to him."
"You read the statement. You know the things they said to him. It was over and over. The whole idea is to break down the psyche, that's what they do. They want obedient puppets who they can manipulate and won't misbehave. If what Maloney said was true and he was going to keep him, they would have been looking to break him anyway they could. With the stress he was under at the time and the fact he was already traumatised from what Jason did to him, is it surprising that some of it stuck? You tell someone they are filth enough times whilst treating them like filth, they will start to believe you." He said sadly.
Morgan huffed out a hopeless breath and put his head in his hands.
"I'm scared, Rossi. I'm scared we've lost him this time."
Rossi gave him a sympathetic look.
"I think it would be best if you stayed here in case he comes back. Let me look for him."
Rossi started moving towards the door, clearly eager to get out and start searching. Morgan's eyes shot up.
"No, I've gotta find him."
"Derek, you're exhausted. The kid's run rings around you for the last few days, you're suffering from the trauma yourself. Let me help. I will keep you in the loop and you'll be the first to know when I find him." Morgan looked at him unsurely. He knew it made sense, but he wasn't sure if he could just sit here doing nothing. "I'll call Hotch. We'll bring him home, Derek. I promise."
Morgan reluctantly nodded. He wasn't the type to do nothing. If there was a problem he was usually the first to jump in and try to fix it, but his reserves were nearly empty. He'd never felt the need to cry as much or as often as he had done since being handcuffed to that radiator.
His breath hitched. Rossi turned to look at him with concern. Morgan's eyes were drifting off into the distance. His forehead was starting to sweat.
"Morgan?... Derek?" He grabbed his shoulder making Morgan jump. His eyes snapped back to the present. "You okay?"
"Shit.. yeah." He shook his head, rubbing his eyes.
"Nearly lost you for a second then. You need to talk to the doctor about those flashbacks, my friend." He looked around the room at the damage. "And this." He gestured.
"I know, I know. I've had other priorities, Rossi."
"There's nothing more important than your mental health."
"It's kind of hard to focus on when I've got Reid doing everything within his power to drive me crazy."
"Yeah, about that..." Morgan looked at him curiously. "I'm thinking that it might be better if Reid stayed somewhere else for a while." Morgan instantly took offence.
"What are you trying to say?"
"Morgan, I know you are doing your best, but you're not exactly 'well' yourself at the moment."
"He's staying here." Morgan said firmly.
"Morgan, look around you. How long before that anger lands on its cause?"
"I would never hurt him."
"Don't you think I know that? But PTSD doesn't care about that. It will act and you'll be left to pick up the pieces. You told me yourself, you've already hit him, twisted his arm and shoved him into the bookcase. Not to mention pushed him around. That isn't you."
Morgan put his head into his hands.
"Oh god, you're right. I'm gonna end up really hurting him."
"If he keeps pushing you like he is, then yes, you could. And Reid probably won't do anything to stop it, because he hates himself." Rossi put his hand on Morgan's forearm. "It might be good for you to have some time apart from each other. If nothing else, it will give you a chance to get better." Rossi could see the reluctance in Morgan's face. He was becoming very aware of his co-dependence on Reid. After Jason, Morgan went out of his way to look after him, to the detriment of his own health. He was exhausted, depressed and constantly worried. He didn't want Reid living by himself or returning to work and treated him like he constantly needed taking care of. Which, for a time, was true. Morgan had become his anchor. It was a questionable relationship then. But now, Morgan didn't seem to be able to function unless Reid was in his line of sight. It was worrying.
"We will see. Let's just get him back first." Morgan said.
Rossi gave a tight lipped smile and nodded. That meant 'no'. He finally managed to get himself out of the living room door. Morgan needed almost as much hand holding as Reid at the moment. It made Rossi angry to see his family in such a state. "I'll see you later. I'll give you a call if I find him... Don't worry too much." He shouted behind him as he made his way to the front door.
Morgan sat forward, putting his hands together and for the first time in a long time, he prayed.
"This is getting out of hand, Dave." Hotch said seriously, his face set in a deep scowl. "Reid is clearly not happy staying with Morgan if he's leaving the house every night."
"I don't think Reid would be happy anywhere right now, Aaron."
Hotch just tightened his expression and kept driving. They were enroute to their fourth library now. Each one had brought them no joy.
"I'm starting to think that libraries aren't the place to be looking." Rossi said, his elbow resting on the door and head in hand. "I'm not sure I can see Reid enjoying a good book right now."
"Do you think we should be checking the bars again?"
"I think we have a better chance of finding him slumped over some bar than finding him reading a book. Put it that way." Rossi sighed. Hotch shook his head. That image just didn't fit Reid. At least not the Reid he knew.
"Which bar did Morgan find him in last night?"
"Einstein's." Hotch couldn't help the slight quirk of his lips at the name of the bar. Rossi turned to look at him. "I know." He said with a roll of the eyes and a small smile.
The two men sat in silence as they drove in the direction of the bar. The mood was heavy, as though the very air around them was weighing them down.
As they approached Einstein's they were met with a large doorman. Pulling out a picture of Reid on Hotch's phone, they showed it to the man, flashing their credentials as they did.
"Sir, have you seen this man this evening?" Rossi asked.
"Your colleague was here earlier looking for him. He hadn't been in then, but he has been since. He didn't leave a number for me to call or I'd have let him know."
Hotch and Rossi exchanged a glance. That went to show how little Morgan's head was in gear.
"Is he here now?" Hotch asked hopefully.
"No, he left about two hours ago. I tried to get him to order a cab as he didn't really didn't seem like he should be walking around by himself but he just ignored me and left."
"Was he drunk?"
"I'd say not. I've seen that kid drunk and he seemed okay. He just didn't seem 'with it'"
Hotch's eyebrow quirked. "What do you mean?"
"He just seemed distracted, like he wasn't all there. I mean, I've seen him like that before too, but it seemed worse somehow. Look, I only saw him for a few seconds when he came in and out. Selina, the manager might be able to tell you more. He talks to her sometimes."
"Thank you." Rossi said gratefully.
The doorman opened the door for them and as they entered they were hit with the heady smell of alcohol, loud music and dark lighting. Usually Reid's idea of hell. They headed straight for the bar, credentials at the ready.
Selina eyed them both. Upon seeing the credentials she rolled her eyes and went to the back of the bar and picked up an envelope.
"He's not here. He left about two hours ago." She said, sliding the envelope across the bar to them. "Where's Morgan? He left this."
"He's at home, just in case he goes back there." Rossi said. He reached out to take the envelope but she pulled it back.
"You can tell him this is here for him. I heard he was looking for him earlier." Her expression was cold, almost angry.
Hotch's brows furrowed. "You weren't here?"
"No, I had an appointment so I started late. If I had been I'd have taken his number. Then I could tell him what a piece of shit he is." She put the letter to the back of the bar again.
Rossi and Hotch raised their eyebrows in surprise.
"And why would you want to do that?" Rossi asked curiously.
She scoffed. "I let him take that kid home last night and today he shows up with a new bruise on his head and a limp that he's trying his best to hide. I don't know what is going on between the two of them, whether they are a couple or what, but he's been covered in bruises every time I've seen him."
"It's not what you think." Hotch said firmly.
"I guess this Morgan is your friend then. No surprise there." She muttered. "Always the same you law enforcement types, sticking together."
"The kid's an FBI agent too. They are colleagues. Our colleagues." Rossi pressed.
Selina looked somewhat abashed.
"Look, anything you can tell us about when you last saw him would be really helpful." Hotch said trying to keep his frustration in check.
Selina frowned. "Why? Has something happened to him?"
"We're just trying to find him." Rossi said casually.
Selina huffed.
"He had a couple of drinks. Not like normal. He wasn't here long. He said he came in to say sorry."
"Sorry for what?" Rossi asked quickly.
"For the times he got drunk and I ordered him a cab home. He really didn't need to but he gave me those flowers to say thank you." She said with a small sad smile.
"How did he seem?" Hotch asked, frowning at the flowers on the bar.
"Quiet... Unhappy. He didn't say much after he gave me the flowers. He just went and sat over there and stared into space. I kept going over to talk to him, but he didn't seem to even notice."
"How long was he here for?" Hotch asked.
"About 45 minutes. This guy went and sat next to him."
"Which guy? Is he still here?" Rossi asked, looking around the bar.
Selina shook her head. "No, we threw him out. He'd been coming onto him for the last few nights and to be honest... what's his name?"
"Spencer." Hotch said.
Selina appeared thoughtful for a moment and then smiled fondly. "He looks like a Spencer... Spencer hadn't exactly been complaining. But tonight it was clear he didn't want anything to do with him. I don't even think he looked up from the table. The guy just kept pushing and kissing him like he had the other nights but tonight he got upset and started crying. When the guy didn't stop I told him to leave. He wasn't happy and started shouting at Spencer, calling him a tease and a whore. I got Jeff to remove him." She nodded to the doorman.
Rossi and Hotch exchanged concerned glances.
"What did Spencer do?"
"Well I asked him if he was okay and he didn't answer me, so I left him alone. He stayed for about ten more minutes and just left not saying anything. He'd stopped crying but just looked like he was in a trance. When I went to clear his table I found the envelope."
"Do you think he left it by accident?" Rossi asked.
"I've no idea." She shrugged. "I hadn't seen it before he left it on the table."
"So probably not. Sounds like he took it out to leave it behind." Rossi said thoughtfully.
"We need to see that letter." Hotch said firmly.
Selina stood and stared at the pair for a few moments, then crossed her arms.
"What's wrong with him? Jeff said something about a trauma."
Hotch and Rossi's reluctance was clear.
"It's not for us to say." Rossi said carefully.
"Well if he's gonna keep coming in here and I'm gonna have to keep rescuing him then I think I deserve to fucking know."
Hotch and Rossi exchanged glances. As much as they wanted to tell her it wouldn't happen again, they couldn't guarantee that.
Huffing out a sigh, Rossi reluctantly spoke.
"He was kidnapped and raped. It was bad."
Selina's hand went up to her mouth. "Jeff said something like that but I thought he must have misunderstood. He said something about all five?"
Rossi cleared his throat.
"He was raped again a few months later by... associates. That's where all the bruises are from." His gaze dropped to the bar.
"Oh my god." Her eyes watered up slightly as she gasped. "That's horrendous." She shook her head in horror. "That poor kid... No wonder he's such a mess." Her eyes came to a realisation and she gasped again. "Thank god I kicked that guy out."
"Thank you for doing that." Hotch said seriously.
"I only wish I had done it a few nights ago." The regret was clear in her voice. "I thought he might have been a prostitute or something."
"Oh, definitely not." Rossi said firmly.
She reached for the envelope and handed it to Hotch. "Thank you for telling me. If I see him in here again I'll make sure no one goes near him and I'll see if I can send him home."
"Thank you. We really do appreciate that."
Hotch looked at the letter. Reid's handwriting stared back at him.
"MORGAN"
"I hope it helps." Selina said with a sad smile.
Hotch flipped the envelope over and began to open it but Rossi's hand stopped him.
"Perhaps we should do this outside." Rossi said, nodding around the bar suggestively, specifically at Selina.
Hotch nodded and they headed out.
"Seems like he's made an ally of Selina at least." Rossi said, trying to lighten the mood somewhat.
Hotch didn't respond. His hands going straight back to opening the envelope. He pulled out a small letter full of Reid's messy handwriting. A feeling of dread pooled in both of their stomachs. A letter like that was rarely a good sign.
They both read the letter to themselves.
Derek,
I want you to know how sorry I am for everything. You have been nothing but kind and patient with me and I have done everything to make life difficult for you. I know I would not still be here if it wasn't for you.
I have done nothing but impose on your life and now you've been dragged into my mess and you're suffering. It's all my fault and I am so, so sorry. I have ruined your life and I don't know how to undo it.
I don't want to be here anymore. I can't see a way forward. Nothing is the same now. I don't feel like myself and I can't go back to who I was before. Everything is tainted and I hate what I have become.
I have let you down. You are the brother I never had. Please, if you remember anything about me, then remember that I love you. I know I haven't said it enough but I'm so grateful for everything you have done for me. I did try, it's just all too much now.
I'm sorry, please forgive me,
Spencer.
Hotch's hand was shaking as he finished reading the letter.
"Oh no." Rossi breathed out, his eyes starting to sting with tears.
"Call Garcia." Hotch said quickly. His voice trembling and panicked. "Get her to ring round the hospitals. Then get her to check police reports in the last few hours of anything that might be an attempted..."
Rossi watched him as he trailed off. He was in shock. Tears were freely rolling down his cheeks and he felt like all of the breath had been taken from his lungs.
"Dave! Now!" Hotch's voice snapped him into action and he was pulling his phone out of his pocket to dial Garcia. It took him three attempts, his fingers felt like they couldn't move properly.
A cheery voice answered the call.
"A late night phone call from Mr. David Rossi himself. To what do I owe the pleasure?"
Silence met her on the other end.
"Sir?... Are you there?"
"Garcia." His voice was shaking, the upset was clear.
"Sir, are you okay?"
"I... I need you to check the hospitals, to see if Reid has been admitted."
"Why? Oh no, what's happened?"
"Please Penelope. Just do it. If you can't find him then check police reports within the last two hours for anything that looks like it might be, um, suicide or attempted suicide." His voice broke.
Silence met him now.
"Penelope?" He asked gently.
He heard a strained breath.
"Okay. I will do that." She was clearly in shock, her voice sounded detached and robotic.
"Thanks, call as soon as you have anything." He ended the call to find Hotch on another, seemingly to a distraught Morgan.
"No." He said firmly. "He still might go home. You need to stay where you are." Hotch's voice was still trembling. "No, Morgan. I promise, as soon as we find him you will be the first to know... Okay... I promise... Speak soon." Hotch ended the call with shaking hands. "Come on, Dave." He said quickly, heading to his car.
"Where are we going?" Rossi asked, hoping that he had some idea of where to head.
"I don't know!" Hotch snapped in frustration. "We just need to look for him!"
"Where do we even start?" Rossi followed him to the car and got in the passenger seat.
"We'll search the whole damn city if we have to!" Hotch was completely frantic. His hands were shaking so much he couldn't put the key in the ignition.
"Aaron." Rossi said gently, putting a hand to his shoulder.
Hotch still couldn't find the ignition. Sweat was running down his temple and his face was almost grey.
"Aaron?" Rossi tried again.
"Dammit!... DAMMIT!" He shouted, throwing the key down into the footwell. He hit the steering wheel over and over in frustration then broke down. His head resting forward as he did.
Rossi could feel the emotion threatening to overtake him as well as he watched his long-time friend and colleague uncharacteristically fall apart. He knew exactly how he felt. After everything, for this to be the way it ends, it didn't seem real. It was cruel. To know that they had all been sat at home while Reid felt at his most alone and desperate killed him.
"I've failed him." Hotch said, tears running down his face. "I should have seen this coming. I could have done more." He broke down again. "Oh god, Reid. How could you be so stupid?"
Rossi squeezed his shoulder, trying his best to keep it together.
"No one could have seen this coming." He said weakly. He knew that wasn't true.
"You did." Hotch said in a broken voice, turning to his friend. "You said it two weeks ago. You knew it was all too much for him to cope with."
"It was speculation, Aaron. Nothing more. If I thought he genuinely was going to do something like this I'd have been round there everyday."
"This is all my fault. It's my responsibility to keep him safe and every time I've let him get hurt. Now I've left him to sink so low that he sees this as his only option."
"Aaron, don't do that to yourself. I convinced you to let him go home with Field. That one's on me. If I'd listened to you, this wouldn't have happened."
"They'd have got to him eventually, Dave. I should have kept an eye on the investigation. Made sure they were moving forward with it. Not just letting those bastards go free."
"There's a lot of things that could have been done-"
His phone rang cutting him off. He looked at Hotch , the fear in both of their eyes was painful. Rossi answered the phone putting it straight on speaker.
"Garcia."
"He's not in any of the hospitals. I checked them all and no one matching his description has been brought in. But there is a report of a man on the Taft Bridge, there is no description but emergency units have responded. There's no information other than that." Her voice spoke quickly. "Is it terrible that I'm really hoping it's him?"
Hotch had already grabbed the key, started the car and was reversing out of the parking spot to head to the bridge.
"No. Trust me, we're exactly the same."
"Is Morgan with you?"
"No, he's waiting at home just in case he goes back there."
"Oh god, he must be beside himself. Shall I call him?"
"No, we'll deal with it once we know if it's actually him."
"I can't believe he would do something like this. How do you know?!" It was clear she was crying. "Oh god, what about JJ and Emily?"
"Just keep it between us for now, Garcia." Hotch said irritably. "We don't even know if it's him yet."
"Okay, sorry, sorry! How do you know he's going to do something like this?"
"He left a... suicide note for Morgan at the bar." Rossi said despondently.
"Oh my god. No." Garcia broke down. "Please let it be him. Please." She begged. Hearing her sound so desperate made tears break free from Hotch and Rossi once again.
"I'll call you as soon as I know anything." Rossi said, desperately trying to get her off the phone now. It was hard enough dealing with their own emotions.
"Please bring our boy home. I will be waiting by the phone."
"We'll do our best." It took him back to telling Morgan that he and Hotch would bring him home safely. He didn't know if that was even still possible now. The thought made his chest grow cold. What would they do without Reid? He was not just their resident genius, he was so much more than that. He was their son, their kid brother, the one everyone couldn't help looking out for, even though he hated it. He was the most sweet-tempered person they all knew. Someone who would never intentionally cause hurt despite the amount of hurt inflicted on him throughout the years. There wasn't a bad bone in his body. To know that he was suffering to the extent that he wanted to end his own life was devastating.
Rossi ended the call. They were only ten minutes out from the Taft Bridge and they would be the longest ten minutes of their lives.
Hotch took a deep breath as upset threatened to overtake him again. Rossi turned to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Stay strong, Aaron. If it's him, we will need to be strong."
Hotch nodded grimly. "I know."
They drove in silence, each lost in their own thoughts and fears.
As they approached the bridge they could see the flashing lights of emergency vehicles. Their chests fluttered with nerves. A filter lane had been set up to merge the two lanes into one. Two officers were manning the merge lane.
Hotch pulled up at the beginning of the merge and rolled his window down, flashing his credentials.
"Agent Hotchner of the FBI. Could you tell me what's going on here?"
An officer eyed the badge carefully, waving vehicles to continue around Hotch's stopped vehicle.
"We have a jumper." He rolled his eyes. "Third one this year."
Hotch gritted his teeth finding it difficult not to react to the man's cavalier attitude.
"Are they still there?" Rossi asked, feigning a casual tone.
"Yeah, he's been there for over an hour now. You'd think we had nothing better to do with our time."
"Anything I can do to help? I teach negotiation at the FBI academy." Rossi offered. "There may be something I can do."
The officer looked taken aback. "A bit below your pay grade this kind of thing, surely?" Rossi just shrugged. Hotch did not like this officer and was doing his absolute best to not display it. "One minute, I'll just radio our Sergeant. He's in charge of the scene."
He moved away from the vehicle and out of earshot.
Hotch and Rossi exchanged a disapproving glance. Rossi clearly felt the same about the officer.
"If this isn't Reid, leave me here and you see what else Garcia can uncover."
Hotch nodded silently. He had to respect Rossi at times like this. His ability to feign nonchalance far surpassed his own. He knew that if needed, Rossi could put all of his focus onto the person stood on that bridge, Reid or not. Hotch knew he could not have that same discipline right now.
The officer returned, pulled aside the barrier and waved them through.
"Keep going up to the ambulance. The Sergeant will meet you there." The officer said.
Hotch nodded once again and began moving forward. As they progressed, the scene started to come into view. There were three EMTs waiting patiently and five police officers. The fire department was also present. An officer and a firefighter appeared to be trying to interact with the individual. They were stood on the ledge on the other side of the barrier, overlooking the 130ft drop.
From the distance they were at it was difficult to tell if the person was Reid or not. He was blocked by the officer who was cautiously talking to him from a distance.
"I can't tell if it's him." Rossi said with a hint of frustration.
"No." Hotch replied sternly.
As the vehicle came to a stop the Sergeant approached. Hotch and Rossi exited the vehicle.
"Sergeant Williams." He extended his hand out to Hotch. "I hear you are FBI. One of you is a negotiator?"
Hotch shook his hand. "Agent Hotchner and Agent Rossi of the FBI's Behavioural Analysis Unit. We are experienced negotiators and happy to assist in anyway we can to resolve this."
Sergeant Williams seemed surprised. "I didn't think this would be the type of thing the FBI would get involved in."
"It isn't. We just so happened to be passing." Rossi said.
"Any help will be gratefully received. We've had no luck communicating with him at all. I don't know if he's deaf, mute or just completely out of it but he's not said a word since we arrived."
They started moving towards the scene, as they moved into the space surrounding the individual he finally came into view. There, stood hanging over the edge of the tallest bridge in the city, was their friend and colleague, Spencer Reid.
Rossi's legs turned to jelly. Hotch's hand came to his mouth in shock. They both stopped dead in their tracks.
Sergeant Williams looked at them curiously. "Is something the matter?"
Hotch's face was now completely pale. At this point, they no option other to be honest. The second they spoke to him it would become obvious that they know him.
"That's... that's our colleague. We have been looking for him. He went missing a few hours ago." Hotch's voice was shaking, he felt like he could be sick. Seeing Reid on the other side of that barrier made his knees feel weak. He was stood on such a narrow platform. One false move and he would plummet to his death.
Sergeant Williams looked at them in shock.
"He's an FBI agent?" They both nodded. "Shit." He breathed out.
"Tell us everything." Rossi said firmly.
"When we arrived on scene he was sat on the barrier, as reported by the person who phoned it in. We've had one of our officers and a member of the fire department with him the whole time talking to him but like I say, we've had nothing out of him. We can't approach him as the second our officer reached out to him he slid down onto the ledge on the other side. If he's an Agent I assume he doesn't have any communication issues?"
"No." Hotch said, his expression stern. "He's traumatised. He has severe PTSD and he's probably suffered a mental break."
"I'm really sorry to hear that." Sergeant Williams said gently. He was clearly a lot more compassionate than the officer who first greeted them.
"Can you pull everyone back so we can move in?" Rossi asked.
"Of course." The Sergeant moved in, speaking quietly with the officer and firefighter. They nodded and withdrew from their positions either side of Reid.
"It's a good sign that he's still there." Rossi said quietly to Hotch. "Perhaps he's having second thoughts."
Hotch just hummed a response, unable to see anything positive about the current situation. All he wanted to do was run up, grab Reid and pull him back over the barrier. But it was too dangerous.
Sergeant Williams returned and gave them a tight lipped smile.
"Okay, you're clear."
They exchanged a glance and took a deep breath before moving forward. Their hands were shaking. They needed all the strength they could muster in this moment. Their next actions would potentially decide whether they brought Reid home or not. The pressure was terrifying.
They moved to around ten feet away from him, standing either side. As he sensed their presence they could see him push himself away from the railing slightly as though warning them not to come any closer. He was clearly present enough to sense movement, but that didn't mean much. With his hypervigilance that wasn't surprising.
"Reid!" Rossi called out, trying to stop the movement. "It's Dave. Hotch is here too." He said gently, his voice was tight and strained with stress. "We aren't going to come any closer unless you want us to. Okay?"
Hotch saw Reid's eyebrow twitch at the familiar voice but there was no recognition in his expression. His head seemed to be elsewhere.
"Spencer, we love you so much. Please think about what you are doing here just for a moment. Think about the people you would be leaving behind. Hotch, JJ, Penelope, Emily... Morgan... Me. We would all be devastated. We would never get over it. You are so loved. There is nothing we won't do to help you through this. Anything you need, we will do it." Rossi spoke passionately but calmly. The tremors in his voice were clear. "I know you're in unbelievable pain and you're suffering." Rossi's breath hitched a little as tears broke free once again. "I can't lie to you and say I understand how you feel, because I don't. I can't even begin to understand it. But I will do anything to help you."
Hotch saw a tear run down Reid's cheek. He stepped a little closer. Rossi followed suit.
"Spencer. Are you there? Can you hear us?" Hotch asked firmly. They saw a shiver run through Reid's body and he nodded slightly, more tears escaped his eyes. He took another step closer. "Please don't do this. Please. Come back over the barrier and we can talk. Let us help you."
"No one can help me." Reid spoke with a shaky voice. His legs were now starting to shake, making Rossi and Hotch very nervous.
"Yes, yes they can." Rossi urged. "You just have to let people in and not bottle it all up. I know you want to escape it all. I know what you are dealing with feels like it's crushing you but this isn't the solution, kiddo. Leaving behind those who love you is letting them win."
"They have won. There's nothing of me left." Reid said quietly. Just loud enough for them to hear.
"That's not true." Hotch said firmly. "I see a wonderful, kind and strong human being on the other side of this railing. Someone who buys flowers for a woman they barely know to say thank you for a small piece of kindness they've shown him. Someone who writes a note apologising to his best friend for any pain they think they've caused. Someone who, despite everything, would not make two of his closest friends watch him fall to his death, because he knows the pain it would cause them." A sob escaped Reid's lips. "You are that good, kind and gentle person and you always will be, because it's who you are. We still see him."
Reid squeezed his eyes shut. "I'm not a good person, I'm filthy. I've done some disgusting things." He suddenly became worryingly fidgety, as if his skin was crawling with insects. Their hearts jumped into their throats. They took another step forward. They were not far from reaching distance now. "And Morgan. I've ruined his life. He hates me. I can't stand what I've done. I'm so disgusting." He sobbed. They could see his grip loosening on the bars of the barrier. He started to lean forward.
Rossi stepped away for a moment pulling out his phone.
Hotch kept trying.
"You are not disgusting. That is the last word I would ever use to describe you. None of this is your fault. You have been through unbelievable cruelty, but none of it was your fault. You didn't ask for any of it."
"I nearly took Dilaudid." He said simply, another worrying shiver running up his body. The self-hatred was clear. Hotch's breath caught. "I just want to escape and never come back. I'm weak."
"Reid-"
"Spencer." Rossi's strong voice cut in. "There's someone here who wants to talk to you. I need to bring the phone close to you, okay?"
Reid shifted a little on the ledge. Rossi carefully moved in holding up the phone.
"Reid!" Morgan's voice rang out through the speaker, he sounded as though he was driving. "Rossi told me what was in your letter and you couldn't be more wrong. You haven't ruined my life. You haven't ruined anything. The only thing that would ruin my life would be losing my best friend. That would kill me, man." Morgan's voice was full of emotion, it was clear that he was crying. "I wouldn't want to go on either. I couldn't. Not without you. Not after everything. Reid, there is nothing you could ever do that would make me hate you." Reid had closed his eyes while listening to Morgan's voice. He was shaking his head as if rejecting everything he was saying. Hotch began moving towards Reid again. He was now stood behind him and close enough to grab him, but he held off, terrified of startling him and unintentionally causing him to slip to his death. "I'm not angry about anything. What you said and what you did, I know it wasn't you. It was them, they have got into your head but I promise, if you come home, we can get them out. We will get them out, Spencer." Another shiver ran down his body, Hotch saw Reid's grip loosening further on the bars, he was holding on only with two fingers now. Hotch was so close to just grabbing him but he knew if he did it could cause him to panic.
"I love you. You have no idea how much we all love you. Please don't do this, kid. We can get through anything, but this, this would cause me more pain than anything you could ever do or say. I would never, ever get over losing you. Not like this. Please don't do this to me... Please, Spencer."
Reid opened his eyes taking a deep, shuddering breath. His face was covered in tear tracks. His grip tightened up on the bars again and he leaned back towards them. Hotch took the opportunity to wrap his arms around his chest and under his armpits. He tried to pull away but Hotch kept him firmly within his grasp. He buried the side of his face into his shoulder, hugging him tightly, his body shook as tears rolled down his cheeks.
"Please, Reid. Please don't do this." He whispered desperately into his shoulder.
"Reid, please come home. Just let us help you. I don't care about anything that has happened. I just want you home, kid."
Rossi moved in also and put a hand on his shoulder. His eyes were red and puffy with tears now.
"Don't do this to us, kiddo." He said gently.
Reid finally turned his head to look at Rossi. The fear and pure torture that was in that gaze took Rossi's breath away. He moved his hand to his cheek, wiping away some tears. "Come on, caro. Come back to us."
Reid nodded gingerly, then broke down, his hands fumbled to the top of the railing as if he was going to try and lift himself back over. "That's it, kiddo. That's it. He's coming, Morgan."
"Oh thank god." The sheer relief in his voice at that moment was mirrored in Rossi and Hotch.
Rossi waved over the fire department who came in either side of Reid.
The man who had spent an hour with him spoke softly. "We're going to get you under your arms, just to support you when coming back over. Okay?"
Hotch was still tightly wrapped around his chest. He refused to let go until Reid was safely on the other side of that barrier. Together with the fire department, he lifted him up and over the barrier to safety. The second his feet touched the floor, Hotch spun him round and grabbed him into a back breaking hug, one arm around his shoulders and the other grasping the back of his head. Reid buried his face into his boss's shoulder as he sobbed. His legs gave way and Hotch followed him down to the ground, still holding him tightly. Hotch was crying too.
"Don't you ever do that again." He grabbed him by the face desperately. "You hear me?" Reid just kept sobbing. Hotch pulled him back into the hug. "Don't ever do that again."
Rossi was now kneeling next to them. "Morgan is on his way. He's only 5 minutes away." He put his hand to Reid's shoulder and squeezed tightly, almost as if checking he was actually real.
"I'm sorry." He sobbed. "I'm so sorry."
Hotch finally released him from his grip and Rossi took his place, pulling Reid towards him so his head was resting on his chest. He rocked him back and forth.
"Shhh... don't do that. You have nothing to apologise for... Hush now." He said softly, stroking his head. He placed a kiss into his hair, his hands were still shaking from the adrenaline. He exchanged a sad glance with Hotch. The guilt they both felt was obvious. How could they have let things get this bad?
An EMT approached.
"Excuse me, can I please check him over?" The female knelt down next to the three of them and spoke quietly.
Rossi reluctantly unwrapped his arms from around his distraught colleague and took a step back, allowing the woman access. Reid sat back against the barrier, all energy leaving his body.
"Thank you." She moved in next to Reid. "What's your name?" She asked gently.
"Spencer." Reid answered in a whisper.
"Okay, Spencer, I just need to check you over. Is that okay?" He nodded closing his eyes, his body shook as another flurry of tears escaped his eyes.
Rossi and Hotch stood back surveying the devastation. An older male EMT approached them with Sergeant Williams.
"We will need to take him to the hospital for an assessment. They may need to keep him for up to 72 hours." The EMT spoke.
Rossi closed his eyes. "A 5150." He sighed.
"I'm afraid so." Sergeant Williams replied. "It's for his own welfare. I'm sure you understand that."
They both nodded.
"Can he at least travel with us?" Hotch asked. The Sergeant sucked in a breath.
"I really shouldn't..." On seeing the disappointment and concern in their faces, he relented. "Okay. But he must go straight to the hospital. You will follow my vehicle."
"Not a problem. Thank you." Hotch said with a tight smile, shaking the man's hand.
They stood back. "I need to call Garcia." Rossi said suddenly, having completely forgotten that she would be stuck in hell awaiting any news from the bridge. Taking his phone he moved to the perimeter to make the call.
Hotch stood watching the EMT interacting with Reid. He had not stopped crying since they got him over the railing. He looked absolutely pitiful. Pale bruises from the attack still marred his face and body, he had dark circles under his eyes, his hair was in disarray as if it hadn't been brushed for a week and he looked painfully thin. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot and he was way too pale. He looked every bit as mentally unstable as he was. If Hotch didn't know him, he would have thought he was at death's door.
The EMT helped him to stand up and the Sergeant moved in to speak with him. Presumably telling him about the 5150 hold they now had in place. His gaze dropped to the floor. He didn't fight it. He clearly knew this was a more than a possibility.
Sergeant Williams waved Hotch over.
"Your colleague can drive you to the hospital, but once we're there you'll need to come with me so we can get you assessed. Okay, Spencer?" Reid just nodded, his lip quivering pathetically.
"Hotch?" He said in a broken voice, reaching his hand out to his boss. Hotch moved in again to give him a hug. As he did he felt Reid's hand enter his pocket. He furrowed his brows in confusion. "It's okay, Reid. It's all going to be okay." He said soothingly as he rubbed his back. After a few moments, he let go. His hand went straight to his pocket. He felt a glass vial in there and two small packets, which he knew instantly contained a needle and syringe. His gaze flicked to Reid who was looking at him riddled with guilt. Hotch's lips tightened and he nodded. He wanted him to deal with it. That was something he would be more than happy to do.
"Reid!" Morgan's voice broke through the clearing as he slammed into him, grabbing him into the tightest hug he'd ever given anyone. Reid broke down once again, overwhelmed by the display of affection from his friend. Morgan was crying too, unable to believe that he had nearly lost him.
"I'm so sorry." Reid sobbed again.
"No no no no, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Morgan countered stroking the back of his head as if he couldn't quite believe he was holding on to him. "God if I'd lost you..." He trailed off, squeezing even tighter.
The Sergeant was now stepping forward.
"I'm really sorry, but we're going to have to make a move." He said regretfully.
Morgan pulled back from Reid and gazed upon his distraught face. He wiped some tears away from his cheeks.
"Morgan, we're taking Reid to the hospital. There is a 5150." Morgan's eyes shot to Hotch in shock. He shouldn't really have been surprised, but an involuntary hold was Reid's worst nightmare. He looked to his friend and he nodded as he made small sobbing noises. He obviously understood what was happening and seemed to accept it. "Do you want to travel in the back with him?"
"Please, but what about my truck?"
"One of our officers can follow with it if that's okay with you? Allow you all to have some time together." Williams reassured.
"Thank you so much." Morgan breathed out, wiping his eyes.
Rossi returned to the group. "Garcia sends her love." He said, putting a hand to Reid's shoulder. This only made Reid break down again. He was an emotional mess.
Morgan wrapped an arm around him and guided him back to Hotch's car. "Come on, kid. Let's get you to the hospital." He put him in the back of the car and closed the door.
Morgan looked to Rossi and Hotch. He grabbed them both into an emotional hug. "Thank you so much."
"No need to thank us." Rossi said gently. "It was your words that stopped him." Morgan gave a ghost of a smile and nodded.
"If you hadn't found him..."
Hotch just shook his head. It didn't bear thinking about. " Come on, let's get moving. We need to get him sorted." Hotch said, wiping his face with a handkerchief. He was trying his best to keep it together now.
Morgan nodded, squeezing Hotch's shoulder in a meaningful gesture. Hotch patted his hand in understanding.
Morgan then moved around to the other side of the vehicle and slid into the back with Reid. He put his arm around his shoulders and Reid slumped sideways so his head was resting on Morgan's chest as he usually did when he was in dire need of some comfort. Morgan wrapped a hand around his face as if protecting him from the world. He placed his face into the top of Reid's head mumbling comforting words to him and shushing him soothingly when he cried. They stayed like that all the way to the hospital. Hotch looked in the rear view mirror at the pair and his chest tightened. Seeing them like that made his heart hurt. They were both in so much pain, he just wanted to make it all go away. Things were such a mess, it was impossible to ever imagine them getting better. He could only hope that the 5150 would start steering things in the right direction.
As they pulled up behind the police car at the hospital, Sergeant Williams and the EMTs approached ready to take Reid into 'custody'.
"Okay, Reid. You need to stay strong, okay? Talk to them. We are always here for you, but you need to let yourself open up if you want to get out of there. Okay?" Morgan spoke, taking his face in his hands.
Taking a deep breath, Reid nodded. More tears escaped his eyes.
"I love you. Okay?"
Reid's gaze dropped. "Love you too." He said quietly. Morgan gave him one last hug before exiting the vehicle and opening the door for Reid to get out.
Rossi and Hotch watched through misty eyes. Neither of them could remember a time where they had cried so much.
They both took Reid into a hug before letting him go to Sergeant Williams.
"Be strong, okay?" Morgan said one last time, holding onto Reid's hand. He nodded again, looking both terrified and resigned to his fate.
Sergeant Williams took him by the upper arm and started leading him away, giving a small smile to the agents as he did.
"Come on, son."
Reid and Morgan kept hold of each other's hand until they could no longer reach, then Reid was turned away and led into the hospital flanked by another officer and the EMTs.
Morgan's hand dropped back down to his side and he finally broke down. Rossi wrapped an arm around his shoulders and brought him into a tight hug.
"It'll all be okay, Derek. He's in the best place now. It'll all be okay."
Hotch just stood still as stone as he watched his youngest colleague disappear into the hospital, terrified that he might never come out again.