Morgan opened the door to find Garcia and JJ. Garcia automatically wrapped her arms around him.
"My chocolate thunder." She squeezed him tight.
"Hey baby girl." He said with a soft voice, squeezing her back firmly.
"How are you?" She grabbed him by the face and looked deep into his eyes.
"I'm okay." He avoided her eye contact and took a step back. "Come in, come in." JJ moved in for a quick hug now.
"Hey Derek." She said sombrely.
"I brought you some treats." Garcia said, collecting a hamper off the doorstep. Morgan smirked. He still had three uneaten baskets she brought for Reid after Jason.
"Thanks mama…. Go through to the living room. The others are here."
JJ and Garcia entered the room to find Hotch, Rossi and Prentiss sat sipping coffees, patiently waiting for them to arrive. They all greeted each other, JJ gave Prentiss a hug and sat down next to her. Garcia moved to sit next to Rossi who rested his hand on her knee in a comforting gesture. The mood was very low.
Morgan followed in and sat down in his usual chair. "Thanks for coming guys."
"Not a problem." Rossi said waving his hand dismissively. "How was the kid?" Morgan shot a look to JJ and she dropped her gaze uncomfortably.
"He, uh, wasn't good." Morgan said clearing his throat a little.
Hotch scowled deeply. "Was he upset?"
"He'd been sedated and restrained." JJ said in annoyance.
"What?" Prentiss sounded as annoyed as they felt when they saw it.
"They can't do that, can they?" Garcia asked in horror.
"Well, apparently they can. He had a panic attack and flashback during the group meeting. He'd just shared what happened to him and this girl said something stupid and laughed at him. It freaked him out." Morgan said with more than a hint of frustration.
"Oh god." Prentiss put her hand to her mouth and shook her head.
"What, so they sedated and restrained him?" Hotch asked angrily. Clearly believing it to be rather extreme measures.
Morgan nodded, giving Hotch an unhappy look. "Apparently he was fighting the nurses. So they sedated him and strapped him to the bed." He rolled his eyes, knowing what the reactions of the team would be.
They all looked furious.
"Well that's not going to help him, is it." Rossi said matter of factly.
"No." Hotch agreed.
"Yeah, well it didn't. He was in a mess when we arrived, having nightmares and pulling against the restraints. I managed to get them to remove them, but I'm worried that every time he has a flashback they are just going to do that to him. He's never going to get better if that's the case."
"You should have seen him. He looked so helpless. He was completely out of it. Just begging to come home." JJ said, shaking her head sadly.
"That's so horrible." Garcia said quietly. "My poor boy genius."
"What can we do to help?" Rossi asked, always proactive.
"Well, not a lot on that front." Morgan answered honestly. "I've told them about Jason and what he did to him, so I can only hope they actually listen."
"They'd better." Prentiss said dangerously. "If I ever walk in and find him like that then they're going to have some serious problems." Her eyes flashed with anger. JJ squeezed her hand in support. She felt exactly the same.
Morgan cleared his throat and shifted awkwardly. "I um, I just wanted to ask you guys if you would be willing to uh…. help out a bit when he does come home." He glanced to Rossi and he smiled and nodded in approval. He was pleased he was doing this.
"Oh my god, Derek. Whatever you need." Garcia said eagerly.
"I'm realising that I may not be quite as cut out for it as I thought I was….. The last two weeks have been…. hard. To say the least." His gaze dropped down. He didn't feel good about doing this. He felt weak.
"What do you need, Morgan?" Hotch asked directly. Morgan took a breath, but no words seemed to follow. He was really not keen on asking people for help. Especially when he had made such a big play to have Reid at home with him.
"How about a visiting schedule?" Rossi suggested helpfully, knowing exactly what Morgan needed.
Morgan nodded. "Yeah… yeah, something like that."
"It's time we all pulled our fingers out and got involved in this. Derek has been doing this all alone for too long. He's struggling with PTSD himself, he needs support." Rossi said firmly, speaking on his behalf. Morgan dropped his head into his hands, feeling incredibly awkward.
"I'm so sorry." JJ said emotionally. "I'm really sorry, Derek. I should have done more. I've been so useless." Morgan looked at her with concerned eyes.
"No, JJ. Don't do that." He shook his head. "You have nothing to apologise for."
"I do! I'm supposed to be his best friend and I've hardly seen him. I've left you to deal with everything because I've been too damn scared to see him like that."
Prentiss dropped her head into her hands. "I think I can understand what that's like." She said flatly.
"I just hope he can forgive me." JJ said sadly, a tear running down her cheek. "I've been so selfish." Prentiss put her arm around her. "Seeing him yesterday, it just hit me how bad this has been. Watching you with him, Derek. You just know what to do. I should be like that. But I'm not, because I haven't bothered to help him."
"JJ, please don't do this to yourself." Morgan leaned forward, desperate for her not to blame herself.
"There is no instruction booklet for something like this, Jennifer." Rossi said. "We all just do the best we can. He's lived with Derek. So, of course, he's going to know what to do."
JJ nodded a little, trying to calm herself. When she saw him yesterday, she hated herself. He was a shadow of his former self. It upset her, because she felt like she was just getting her best friend back a little. As she stood over him in that bed, she felt that same urge to move away from him. To not deal with it. To just escape and not look at him until he resembled the Spence she loved so much again. The avoidance was still in her and she hated herself for it.
"I promise, this time round, I will be there for him. For you both." She said with determination now in her voice.
"Me too." Prentiss said, nodding in agreement. "Whatever you need."
"Thank you." Morgan closed his eyes and breathed out a sigh of relief. "Just to have an extra pair of eyes from time to time, or even just someone to talk to when it's been a bad day. God, that would be so helpful."
Hotch looked down to the floor. His guilt was now creeping in.
"I think I can say on behalf of us all, that we will do anything we can to help. But you have to be honest with us too. If you're having a bad day and you just need some company or you need to get out of the house for a while, then you really need to tell us, Morgan. Don't keep us in the dark. There's a lot of things we haven't been aware of over these last few months."
"I know." He rubbed his hands on his head. "I thought I could handle it. I was handling it. But after what they did to him… He's gonna need so much therapy. I don't think he'll be back at work for a long time. He can't go home. It's just….."
"Too much." Rossi said gently.
"Yeah." He dropped his eyes into his hands as tears started to break free.
"We're here for you, kiddo." Rossi moved to sit on the arm of Morgan's chair and put a hand on his shoulder.
"We will put together a schedule for visits. When we are away, Garcia can pick up." He looked towards her and she nodded.
Hotch's phone started to ring. "Sorry." He said automatically. He pulled it out and looked to the screen. "I have to take this." He stood and headed towards the kitchen. The group watched him as his face gave little away, though he didn't look happy.
"Derek?" Garcia said softly. "Do you want me to stay with you for a while? I can help out with Reid when he comes home and keep you company?"
Morgan's automatic reaction was to say no, but he stopped himself. It wasn't a bad idea. But it did make him a little nervous. He wasn't sure what state Reid would come home in. He certainly didn't want to put her at risk.
"Thanks baby girl. I'll think about it."
"Okay, sweetie. I'm always here for you. Both of you." She said gently.
As silence overtook the room they could hear Hotch speaking from the kitchen. The conversation sounded grave.
"Okay…. What?….. You can't be serious." They all exchanged worried looks. They didn't think they could take any more bad news. They could tell from the way Hotch's volume faded in and out that he was pacing the room. "Of course." He said cynically. "Yes… I guess I should have seen this coming…. What has Lawson said?"
Morgan now glanced towards the kitchen. This was obviously to do with Reid. He recognised the name of the FBI attorney who has been providing advice on Reid's case. He listened intently. Rossi squeezed his shoulder again, wanting him to remain calm.
"Right. Brilliant." He said sarcastically. "So what now?" They heard Hotch humming in response to whatever was being said to him on the other end. "Okay. Well it looks like we've got no choice. Yeah, that is at least some good news…. Thanks for letting me know, Jack. Speak soon."
The call clearly ended, but Hotch didn't come back into the room. They all looked at each other again. Morgan shifted in his chair and Rossi pressed down on his shoulder, warning him to keep his cool.
"Hotch?!" Morgan called, with some frustration in his tone. After a few moments, Hotch stood in the doorway. He looked deeply unhappy, stressed and pale. He uncharacteristically cleared his throat, feeling uncomfortable with all the expectant eyes that were currently on him. This was not welcome news.
"There's good news and bad news." He said sternly.
"Good news first." Garcia said quickly.
"Field is now in WITSEC and has provided the names and locations of 30 people involved in the trafficking ring. Coordinated raids will be taking place tomorrow."
"That's great news." Prentiss said, looking around the room, trying to find a positive. Everyone was clearly waiting in anticipation of the bad news.
"And?" Morgan said impatiently. Hotch ran a stressed hand over his mouth. "Hotch?!" Morgan snapped.
"The confession is inadmissible."
"No." Garcia said in shock. Morgan just stared at him.
"How can it be inadmissible? He wrote it with his own lawyer!" Prentiss asked. The anger was clear in her voice.
"That is part of the problem. He hadn't waived his right to legal counsel at the time of the confession." Hotch rolled his eyes, as if it should have been obvious to him. "His lawyer has since argued that our personal connection to the case meant that the confession was coerced."
"Bullshit!" Morgan shouted, standing up. "If anyone was coerced it was us!"
"It doesn't matter, Morgan. The confession would have been thrown out even without that."
"This cannot be happening." Morgan paced around the dining table.
"So what does this mean?" JJ asked. "He promised to plead guilty, didn't he?" Morgan looked at her like she was crazy.
"Oh come on JJ. Wake up." Morgan said angrily. She looked at him, slightly hurt.
"Derek." Rossi said, drawing his attention. "Take a breath." He could see the irrational anger building up at him again. The smashed TV screen was still there as evidence of his last aggressive episode. He was not keen to witness a repeat of that.
"He may still plead guilty. His arraignment is two weeks on Monday." Hotch said, clearly with no faith in his words.
"He's not going to plead guilty. Why would he now? He's gonna fight this, Hotch. This is just another sick game to him. Like what he did to Reid. Like dragging us in to see him. This trial is going to be his next sick way of making Reid suffer and he's going to enjoy every second." Morgan said in disgust, collapsing back into his chair.
Hotch stood stoically in the doorway. He had no answer to that. He knew it to be true.
"So what does that mean for the others?" Rossi asked.
"It's all of them. All of the confessions." Hotch said with disdain. "And they are pushing for separate trials." He said quietly, knowing that anything he said right now could easily push Morgan over the edge. He was right.
"This is just a sick game, isn't it." Prentiss said in disbelief.
"Oh god." Morgan's breath picked up. "How is he going to cope?"
"Okay son, take some deep breaths." Rossi said, putting his hand to his back.
"They just don't stop." His hands began to shake and sweat crept onto his brow. He tipped his head forward into his hands. They could see his chest expanding and contracting at an alarming rate. His breath was shallow.
"Derek." Garcia moved to the other side of him and put a hand on his shoulder. "My dove, you're okay. You need to calm down and take some deep breaths."
"He's not okay. He's not going to be okay." He said in a panic.
"Reid will have all of us supporting him." Rossi said firmly. "We will make sure he is okay, Derek."
"He's not going to cope with this." Morgan repeated.
"He will. He will if we're all there for him." Garcia said, stroking his back.
Rossi knelt down in front of him now. "Reid is safe, Morgan. They can never hurt him again. We will all take care of him, together. This isn't all on you." Morgan kept breathing heavily, but nodded at Rossi's words. "Come on, take some breaths and we can figure it out together."
The words seemed to calm him somewhat. Rossi was beginning to recognise that a lot of Morgan's anxiety was not only related to Reid's safety, but the responsibility he felt for it. His guilt from being unable to stop what happened to him had turned into a weight that he carried on his shoulders. The only way he was going to get better was to allow others to help and Rossi was determined to make sure that he knew they were ready and waiting to do so.
"That's it, mon ami." Garcia said soothingly as Morgan began to slow down his breathing. "That's it."
Hotch was still stood in the doorway, hand to his mouth. His guilt was also eating at him. As a previous prosecutor, he was kicking himself for overlooking the issue of the legal counsel. He was so focused on getting himself and Morgan through the meeting that the obvious things had gone out of the window. Once again, he had let Reid down. He'd been played by yet another sadist. Rubbing the hand over his face, he moved into the kitchen away from the team.
"It will all be okay, Derek." JJ said confidently. The confidence was a lie. Normally she would reassure him that 'Reid is strong'. 'He will get through it'. 'He is stronger than people give him credit for'. But all of the words got stuck on her tongue. She saw him earlier. She knew his strength was gone. And the person who now knows him best is breaking down at the news. So who was she to reassure anyone? She had lied to herself for months in order to avoid dealing with Reid's pain. She didn't want to lie any more.
"You saw him, JJ." Morgan said, finally lifting his gaze. His eyes were full of tears. "How can we tell him this?"
"He doesn't need to know anything right now." Rossi said firmly. "Let's just get him home first."
Morgan nodded, wiping at his eyes. "God. Sorry." He said with embarrassment.
"Don't apologise." Prentiss said strongly. "We understand."
Morgan nodded again, seeming to come back to himself. He was relieved that he hadn't been flooded with a flashback.
"When is your next appointment with Dr. Hale?" Rossi asked gently.
"Monday." He answered with a sigh.
"That's good." Rossi nodded approvingly. "You really need to talk about this anxiety."
"I will, Rossi. I promise."
Prentiss suddenly stood and left the room, heading into the kitchen. She found Hotch leaning against the worktop staring out of the window into the garden.
"Hotch? Are you okay?" He flinched a little at the sound of his name. He was clearly lost in his own thoughts.
"Yeah. I'm fine." Sighing a little, Prentiss moved and stood next to him gazing out of the window.
"Sir, with all due respect, that's bullshit." She said with her usual amused bite.
Hotch looked at her with mild surprise then shook his head. She always knew how to cut through to the truth.
"Okay. I'm not. But that's not going to change anything, is it."
"No. But if we've learned anything through this, it's the importance of talking."
Hotch sighed. "I'm furious. I'm furious with Maloney. I'm furious with those other bastards... but most of all, I'm furious with myself." Prentiss' gaze dropped to the worktop. "I have let Reid down so many times now that I don't even trust myself anymore."
"We all have." Prentiss said sadly.
"No, I am his boss. I have a responsibility-"
"Stop... stop it. Don't do this to yourself."
"Emily, I have an agent who has been raped by five different men. He's been repeatedly tortured and now he's being tormented." Hotch's eyes started to water up. "All of this could have been prevented if I had just listened four months ago."
"If any of us had just listened. We are a team, Hotch. It's not only up to you, we are supposed to look out for each other. We all failed him."
Somehow it made him feel better for someone to finally recognise that Reid had indeed been failed. To not be told that his thoughts were irrational. He ran a hand down his face, wiping a stray tear from his cheek.
Prentiss turned to face him, her hip leaning up against the counter. "Look, we all feel like shit. We all could have done more. I mean I sat there with Field for nine hours. Not once did I suspect anything. That haunts me. If only I'd thought about why he was asking for such specifics, why he wanted so much detail, why it took nine hours when really all it should have taken was four. It's obvious to me now. But as we all know, hindsight is 20/20. I'm going to be kicking myself until I go to my grave, I can tell you that."
Hotch just shook his head in disbelief. "God, this has been a nightmare."
"Yeah... and it's not over yet. So you'd better buckle up and get ready, because we're going to have to be there for him and he doesn't need our guilt weighing on him."
Hotch looked at her with a scowl. She gave a tight lipped smile, as if to say 'suck it up'. Then he nodded. His lips quirking upwards slightly. "Thanks."
"Anytime." She smirked. She moved to leave the kitchen and stopped. "And sir? You know where I am." She said seriously, patting him on the shoulder. She moved back into the living room, leaving Hotch staring out of the window deep in his own thoughts.
Susan knocked on Reid's bedroom door and popped her head round. She found him curled up on his side, arms round his knees, hugging himself tightly. Much like she had left him the night before.
"Spencer?" She called out gently. She saw his chest expand as he took a deep breath. He was obviously awake. He made no move to acknowledge her. She moved her way into the room and round to the side of the bed.
"Good morning." She said with a small smile.
"Is it?" Reid answered sullenly.
Susan's eyebrows twitched a little. He sounded incredibly forlorn this morning. It wasn't completely unexpected but if she was honest, she was hoping for a little bit more interaction.
"Are you ready for our session?"
Reid closed his eyes, breathing out something between a huff and sigh. Irritated too, she noted.
"Do I have to?" He asked hopelessly. She knew he already knew the answer to that, but she would go through the motions anyway.
"Yes, Spencer. You know this." She waited for him to make some sort of move from the bed, but he didn't. He remained on his side with his eyes closed. She saw a tremor run through his body. "Come on, Spencer." She tried, encouragingly. "Let's go."
She stood, patiently waiting for some form of response. Some indication that he was going to participate in the session as agreed the night before. She found none.
Sighing, she bent herself over so she wasn't standing over him imposingly.
"Would you prefer to do the session in here today? You can stay as you are and we can just have a quiet talk."
She saw him hesitantly nod. That would have to do. He seemed to see the room, the bed and that position as his own little safe haven right now. If he felt safe there, then it was probably best not to drag him away from it. Especially when she was looking to walk him down some very difficult roads. He would need all of the comfort he could get.
She went to the corner of the room and grabbed the chair, pulling it up so that she was in his eye line, if he ever decided to open his eyes. This wasn't the ideal way to do therapy. In the perfect world, a patient would confront their issues head on, with confidence and work through them without using unhealthy coping mechanisms. But she knew he was a long way off that right now. She sat down and opened her file.
"So, Spencer. How are you feeling today?"
She almost felt stupid asking it. She often did. But it was an open-ended question that allowed her to assess the readiness of a patient to speak with her.
"How do you think I'm feeling?" Reid opened his eyes and glared at her.
Angry, threatened, embarrassed, scared, avoidant.
"I don't know, Spencer. This is why I am asking. This is your opportunity to talk to me." She said gently.
"It's nothing more than an attempt to assess my mood. I'd have thought research would have found a more effective way by now." He said flatly, closing his eyes again.
Susan raised her eyebrows. This wasn't a tactic she was used to. But then again, what was she to expect from someone with a list of qualifications like his?
Definitely avoidant.
"Spencer, it's just a question. You can answer it however you like." She said calmly. She saw him swallow.
"I'm... okay." He said unsurely.
"How do you feel about talking today?" She saw him tighten the grip around his knees.
Terrified.
He didn't answer. She was beginning to realise that questions beginning with 'how do you feel' did not work. His feelings were clearly protected by a huge wall of silence that was pretty impenetrable. She decided to change tack.
"Last night, you said that you felt like your body isn't your own anymore. Can you tell me what you mean by that?"
She watched his eyes open, a slight look of panic washed across his face but was quickly hidden. Now he just looked embarrassed.
"It doesn't matter." He said quickly. "It should be obvious."
This she could work with.
"Why would it be obvious that your body isn't your own?"
She saw his fists clench a little.
"Because it isn't. Not anymore." He said flatly.
"It looks like it belongs to you. You control it." She said matter of factly.
He gave a cynical laugh.
"Do I?" His face wore a sardonic smile.
"Yes. It looks that way to me."
"Well, you don't know anything." Reid snapped.
Anger. Pure anger. And disgust.
"I can only say what I see in front of me." She said simply.
"You have no idea what is in front of you." Reid spat.
Self-loathing.
She could see his arms twitching now. They were no longer hugging himself tightly, they were poised for movement he was trying his best to resist.
"I have a pretty good idea." She poked. She knew if she asked him to tell her the answer, he would shut down. She needed to use the anger in him to get him to open up. As she hoped, Spencer sat up. His gaze was angrily locked on her but his expression was more disgust and self-hatred than anything directed at her.
"This body is disgusting. It's been picked up, used and thrown away like a child's toy by whoever wanted to use it." His hands were shaking and his eyes filled with tears. The anger and desperation were clear in his voice.
"But that wasn't your choice, Spencer."
"And is that supposed to make it better?" He snapped viciously. "It doesn't. It just means that they saw something in me that I didn't see!"
She furrowed her brows. "And what's that?"
"That I'm submissive! That everything about me screams at people that I want to be dominated! And that I enjoy it." The last sentence came out as almost a whisper. The tears now escaped his eyes. "I'm disgusting." He closed his eyes.
Susan felt her throat tighten with emotion. She swallowed it back. His words had hit her in the gut.
"Is that what they said to you?"
A sob escaped and he nodded. "And they were right." He shrank away in embarrassment. A thought had clearly crossed his mind and she had a feeling she knew what it was.
"Spencer, did they make you experience pleasure during these attacks?" She said very carefully and quietly. A shudder ran through his body, his face scrunched up in avoidance and he crawled back into his safe little ball on the bed. He was clearly mortified with himself. "It's perfectly natural for your body to react that way. It is very common; it does not mean that you enjoyed it."
"Then why would it keep happening? If I didn't want it, it wouldn't happen." He put the heel of his hand into his eye.
"Did they intentionally stimulate you, Spencer?" She thought she probably already knew the answer to this question goven the type of people he had been attacked by, but thought best not to presume. The amount of people she had spoken to who had experienced orgasm even without intentional stimulation was high. And it was almost always one of the most shameful elements of the rape.
He nodded, still hiding behind his hand.
"The combination of physical stimulation, especially when it's intended to create arousal, and the adrenaline from fear can easily cause this to happen, Spencer. It's not uncommon at all. It doesn't mean that you wanted it, or enjoyed it, or that you asked for it."
"I begged for it." He said cringing. "Oh god, I said I wanted it and that I was a... fuck toy. And god he heard it all. He heard everything." He scrunched up even tighter into his protective ball and pushed his face into his knees as his body shook with tears.
Susan was extremely confused now.
"Who heard it, Spencer?" He shook his head, cringing again. "Who heard it?" She repeated, trying to get him to stay with her. The session so far had been incredibly productive and he'd started in a very vulnerable place. One that many people wouldn't even go near for a long time. That spoke to the state of his mind. He had little to no control over his emotions. He had no self-preservation left.
"Morgan." He sobbed. "Oh god." His breathing picked up as his upset increased.
Embarrassment. Guilt.
"Is Morgan your friend?" She asked softly. There was clearly a lot of hurt in relation to this person. He nodded. "Did he betray you?"
"He came to check on me... He- He heard everything." He cried.
"So, Morgan heard it all?" Reid nodded frantically as his breathing was starting to enter hyperventilation.
"They - handcuffed – him to – the radiator." He pushed out through his breaths.
Panic. Sheer panic.
"Okay, Spencer. I need you to take some breaths."
"I- I can't... oh god." He struggled; his hand went to his chest as he couldn't breathe.
Oh god.
Susan reached into her pocket, quickly stood up and moved towards him. "May I touch you, Spencer?" He nodded frantically.
She put a hand to his back and with her other hand she placed a stress ball into his hand. It had various textured patterns on it.
"Okay, Spencer. You are in a safe space here with me. I want you to focus on what I just put into your hand. Can you do that for me?"
His breathing was getting so tight he was practically wheezing. He nodded again.
"What is in your hand?" He squeezed his eyes shut as the pain from his frozen chest gripped him. "Squeeze it, Spencer. What is it?"
She saw his hand roll the ball around in his hand briefly.
"A... ball." He choked out.
"Good, good. You are totally safe here. Nothing is going to happen here, Spencer. You are in a safe environment." She rubbed his back. "What am I drawing on your back?"
"Circle." His breathing was slowing a little and didn't sound quite so pained.
"Good. Focus on that feeling for a minute, Spencer. Focus on the circles." She traced circles on his back for a good minute and could see his focus was starting to shift away from whatever it was that was causing him to go into a complete panic and towards her hand. "That's so good, Spencer. You're safe here. Take some deep breaths for me now." His body shuddered as he finally managed to get a decent breath into his body. "And out again." She let him breathe deeply a few more times. "You know where the ball is Spencer?" He nodded and squeezed it in his palm. "There are shapes on it. Can you tell me one of them?"
He fidgeted with the ball in his hand and felt around for shapes.
"Triangle." He said with a broken voice. The tightness in his throat was painful. She switched the shape she was drawing on his back to a triangle.
"That's great. Take some more deep breaths now." His hand kept fidgeting with the ball and feeling all of the different patterns. His breathing was starting to normalise somewhat now. "You're doing great, Spencer. This is so good." She continued. "Can you tell me another shape?"
"Parallelogram."
She smirked. Most people went with diamond.
Great. Take some more deep breaths." She switched up the shape on his back again to a diamond. She let him breathe again for another minute. "Do you think you can open your eyes for me now, Spencer?" He carefully opened his eyes, taking another shuddering breath. His hands were trembling in the aftermath. "Are you okay?" She asked gently.
"Yeah." He sighed.
"Okay, we're just going to have a few minutes of quiet. Let you really get your breath back to normal. I will just be sat right here." She moved back to her chair and placed herself back down.
After five minutes, Reid was definitely calmer. "Spencer? Are you with me?" She asked, gently breaking the silence. He nodded and finally sat up. He looked exhausted. "I would like to explore the thoughts you were having on the lead up to your panic." Reid bit his lip and looked down. "We were talking about your friend, Morgan." Reid's eyes closed. "Tell me about him." His eyes opened again in mild surprise.
"What? Just what he's like?" He seemed surprised that she wasn't digging straight back into where they left off. He looked relieved, which was the point. It was a way of making him feel comfortable and placing his thoughts into a positive frame.
"Yes, anything. Just tell me about him." She smiled.
"Well, uh, he's a colleague of mine. We've worked together for 7 years 63 days and about 2 hours." His lips quirked up a little. Susan's eyebrows raised then she smirked. Such precision. "He's one of the best people I know. He's an excellent agent, incredibly smart, although he wouldn't say that himself. There's nothing he can't do. He's very physically fit. He's completely the opposite of me in that respect." He gave a small smile.
"You two are close?" She asked casually.
"He's my best friend in the whole world." He smiled sadly and looked down to the floor again. "He's been there for me through everything. He's unfailing."
Sadness. Regret
"What made you sad just then, Spencer?"
"I've not been a good friend to him. He deserves better."
"How do you feel you've not been a good friend?" She could see him cringe again. Whatever guilt Spencer was carrying around was crippling him.
"I've said some awful things to him."
"Can you give me an example?"
He clearly thought back to one instance and he flinched.
"I was just awful to him about what happened to him as a child. I made out like he used it as a way of making himself look good." He cringed into his hands now.
"Is that something you believe to be true?"
"No. I would never think that of him. But I said it and I don't think he will ever trust me with it again. I hurt him so much." He rubbed at his eyes.
"If you don't believe it, do you know why you said it?" She asked softly.
"I just wanted him to leave me alone. He wasn't even doing anything other than looking out for me. He threw me out, and I don't blame him. I wrote him a letter and went to the bridge."
"Is that what made you want to kill yourself?"
Reid furrowed his brows and looked thoughtful for a moment.
"I don't know."
"Or did it make it easier for you to be able to kill yourself if you thought he hated you?"
Reid's eyebrows lifted a little, then he huffed in mild amusement. "Actually, yeah... that's so accurate." He looked surprised that she had pinpointed it so rightly. He clearly hadn't reached that realisation himself until now. Somehow that realisation appeared to lift a weight off. Only a kilogram of the ton that was weighing him down, but it was a start. "I can't believe I didn't realise that."
"When you've experienced a trauma, it can sometimes be difficult to discern your feelings. You can be in a constant state of arousal. Your body and mind can feel like you're constantly under threat, which will send your emotions into overdrive. You might end up doing or saying things you wouldn't normally dream of doing or saying. It's all a defence mechanism. Which I think might be the case here. You were protecting yourself by distancing yourself from your friend. Does that make sense to you?"
She watched as Spencer went introspective for a short while then he nodded, his brow furrowed. He dropped his gaze to the floor again.
"What do you think you are protecting yourself from, Spencer? Was it what made you upset before?" He bit his lip again and his hands began fidgeting with the ball.
"Yes." He said in a small voice. He squeezed the ball hard and closed his eyes. "He shouldn't have been there. He came to check on me and they held him at gunpoint and handcuffed him to the radiator. He was in the living room the whole time they were..." He shook his head. "I don't even know how he can look at me."
Shame. Disgust.
"Why do you say that, Spencer?"
"Because of what he saw and what he heard. He saw it all. How pathetic and disgusting I am and how I just let them..." He trailed off again.
"You let them..." She guided him.
"I let them do whatever they wanted. I gave up. He would never have given up like I did." A tear escaped his eye again. "Oh god, I'm so sick of crying!" He said frustratedly wiping his face.
"It's always okay to cry. It is not something to be ashamed of. It's healthy." She said reassuringly. She let him sit for a few moments as tried to regain his composure. "Where are these feelings of shame in relation to your friend coming from, Spencer?" He shook his head in avoidance. She pressed on. "You said you begged and he heard it?"
He quickly squeezed his eyes shut. "They told me to beg for it. To say I was enjoying it, to thank them, to beg for more and tell Morgan it was what I wanted."
Christ.
"And you did?... Say it?" She clarified. He scrunched his face up in disgust and nodded. "Why did you do it?"
"Because I didn't know what else to do." A sob broke forth again. "They kept hitting me every time I said no. Or they would just go... go harder or r-rougher... and it was so painful, I just... said it. And then I couldn't stop. They didn't even have to ask after a while." He laughed cynically. "I just did what they wanted. I thought if I did it without asking, they might stop or just not be as... bad."
"And did it work?"
Of course it didn't.
"No. They kept laughing and just making me do more..." He trailed off again.
"It sounds to me like you didn't have much of a choice. You say it or they hurt you. Would you say that's right?"
"There's always a choice."
She took a breath out. "Okay. So you didn't do it. What would have happened?" He frowned deeply and sighed, wiping the tears away from his cheeks. "They keep hurting you, right?"
"They still hurt me anyway." He huffed with a contemptuous smile.
"But you didn't know that. You thought that if you followed their instructions, they might be kinder to you. Correct?" He nodded, looking down at the floor again. "That's completely logical. Most people would do the same. Do you think Morgan understands that?"
"I don't know."
"Have you talked to him about it?"
"No." He looked horrified at the suggestion.
"Well, I think it might benefit you. I think you might be quite surprised by his response." She knew there was no way that anyone could ever blame Spencer for any of it. Anyone with a logical mind would know he was just trying to protect himself. It made her so sad that he couldn't see that. These men had done a real number on his mind.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore." He pulled his knees back up into himself.
Damn.
"Spencer, you are doing really well." He tipped over onto his side again, closed his eyes and put his hands to his ears.
Gone.
"Spencer?" She leaned forward in her chair. "Spencer, we don't have to keep talking about this. We can talk about something else. Do you want to do that?"
Nothing. She had lost him.
She stood and moved over to him. "Okay. You have done really well today. We will leave this here. I will see you later for the group session, okay?"
He'd shut down completely. It was quite an inspired defence mechanism and one he would almost certainly have to stop doing at some point if he ever wanted to live a normal life again. She knew he was completely overwhelmed. But on a positive note, he had done incredibly well in the session and she was pleased with his progress on the whole.
She grabbed the bed sheet and put it over him in a comforting gesture. "Well done today. I will see you later, Spencer." She smiled a little and left the room.
Reid was sat in a chair in the day room staring out of the window. He really didn't want to be in there but the 'bitch' nurse was on shift again and it was recreational activity time. So, of course, by her schedule that meant everyone was supposed to be in the day room if they didn't have any visitors. After a brief argument with her, she had once again taken him by the wrist and dragged him into the room. Upon entry he had skulked over to a solitary chair in the corner avoiding glances from the other patients. The nurse remained in the room, keeping an eye on everyone. She thankfully seemed satisfied enough by his presence and didn't force him to participate in the art class that was going on in the centre of the room. He was grateful for that at least.
The sun was shining brightly through the window and he could feel the warmth of his face. He closed his eyes and rested his head back. He felt his mind drifting off and sleep fast started to overtake him. He had not had a good night thanks to the return of his nightmares.
Suddenly the sound of wooden legs scraping across the floor was next to him. He jumped in surprise at the loud noise, opening his eyes.
"Sorry! These chairs are heavy!" Tiffany said as she dragged it next to his.
Reid groaned internally, turning his head away and resting his eyes into his hand. He had already spent an hour and a half with this girl in the group session. He spent most of it in his own world. He didn't speak. He didn't interact. He didn't even partake in the icebreaker at the beginning of the session. He could tell Susan was disappointed with him, but he was just mentally exhausted and performing in front of 12 people was not on his list of priorities. The group already thought he was weird and he really didn't care if he made that assumption worse.
When she was happy that the chair was close enough, she sat down. "I see you've been making friends." She said with a smirk. Reid looked at her curiously and she gestured over to the 'bitch' nurse. "She's lovely, isn't she."
Reid gave a tight smile, his eyes wary. He felt stupid for it, but the nurse made him nervous. He was in a very vulnerable position and her attitude was not helping. She made him shaky and edgy. He always felt like he had done something terribly wrong or really stupid.
"She hit me once." Reid looked at her in shock. "Oh, she's done it to everyone." She said casually. "I hit her back then got locked in my room for two days." Tiffany rolled her eyes with a laugh. He didn't want to talk to her but he couldn't just ignore that.
"Did no one do anything about it?" Reid asked with concern.
"What? About her?" He nodded. "No way! I think she's been here since the place opened. No one says anything to her. But they all know." She shook her head. "It's just one of those things. She's done it to everyone. She's hit Kev three times at least!"
"She shouldn't be allowed to get away with that."
"That's the FBI Agent coming out in you." She smirked. "There's always people like that in these places. No one ever does anything."
Reid's mind drifted to his Mom. He really hoped she didn't have to deal with someone like that. He made a mental note to ask her whenever he sees her again.
"I'm sorry." Reid said sadly.
"Don't be. She's got her eye on you at the moment." She said pointedly with a laugh. Reid looked at her in surprise, then couldn't help but smile despite the situation. Dark humour seemed to be par for the course in this place.
"You have a nice smile." She said, prodding his arm. Reid flushed a little and turned away awkwardly. The smile dropped from his face. "Not much to smile about in here though, is there?" She sighed, gazing out of the window with him. They sat in silence for a few moments, then she turned to him. "Hey, I'm sorry about yesterday. I really didn't mean to make you feel bad. What I said was so stupid. It just came out and then I saw you panic and I felt awful. You ended up in restraints thanks to me."
Reid's brows furrowed. He didn't like this conversation. It was bringing up the same feelings of panic in his chest. Then his brain caught up with her words and he quirked an eyebrow.
"Restraints?" He asked curiously.
"Yeah, they had to strap you down as you were fighting the nurses - Never a good idea by the way." She added quickly. Reid looked introspective for a moment, as if things were starting to make sense in his head. "They sedated you, so you probably don't really remember."
"No, I don't." He said thoughtfully.
"Well, I'm sorry. At least your friends came to see you."
He appeared confused again.
"What?"
"Yeah, some FBI people. A black guy and a blonde woman."
"I- I didn't see them." Reid said worriedly.
"It was when you were sedated, so you probably don't remember that either."
Reid put his head in his hand. This was great. He'd missed Morgan and JJ because they'd knocked him out. They were probably worrying themselves to death now.
"The black guy couldn't have been anything other than FBI. He had that... confidence about him."
Reid's lips quirked up a little. That definitely sounded like Morgan.
"Yeah, he's a good man." He said with a fond smile.
"Very authoritative." She said, mimicking his upper body stance.
"If you think that, you should see my boss." He said with a small smile.
She laughed. "Oh, I bet! I love all this FBI stuff, it's so cool." She looked at Reid. "You don't look like an agent... No offence."
"You wouldn't be the first to say it." Reid said grimly.
"You look too nice. Like you should be teacher or something."
"I do teach sometimes. At the FBI academy." Reid didn't even realise he was having the first normal conversation that he'd had in a long time.
"Wow, really? What do you teach?" Tiffany looked fascinated.
"Profiling." Reid said, scratching his neck uncomfortably. He didn't feel like much of a profiler at the moment.
"Profiling? What's that?"
"Erm, I'm part of the Behavioural Analysis Unit. We study criminals, erm... largely serial killers." He said awkwardly. "We use our research to help LEOs identify patterns and behaviours that will help lead to their capture."
"So do you get to arrest these guys?" She asked excitedly.
"Sometimes." He said, careful to underplay it.
Tiffany went wide eyed. "Woah, so people like Ted Bundy? Jeffrey Dahmer? You arrest guys like that?"
"One of my colleagues actually met with both of them for research."
Her mouth dropped open. "That's crazy cool."
Reid's eyebrows twitched. "Why do people love serial killers so much?" He said with disapproval.
"I dunno... you tell me - you study them!"
Reid quirked an eyebrow at her, then huffed. "Touché."
"I'd love to do something like that. Really make a difference."
"Well why don't you?"
She laughed at him. "It's really not that simple. I was taken into care at 10, so education wasn't really my priority. We weren't wealthy to start with. Not like you with three PhDs." She said teasingly.
Reid huffed. "I didn't grow up in a wealthy home either."
She snorted. "Of course you didn't."
"It does help when you're a so called child prodigy though. Every school wants you then."
"You're a genius?" She grinned.
"Apparently so." He gave a tight lipped smile. "Recent months have had me thinking otherwise though." He frowned.
She frowned with him, pausing for a minute. She softened her voice. "Do you want to talk about it?"
He glanced at her quickly, his eyes flashing with panic. He wrapped his arms around himself. "No."
"Sometimes it's easier to talk to each other because we know how it feels... the doctors haven't got a clue... I've talked to Kev a lot." Reid's foot started tapping nervously. Tiffany sat back in her chair. "Sorry. I'm stressing you out."
Reid breathed out, not wanting to offend her. "No, you're okay. This is all just very new to me. It's... difficult."
"We've all been there." She smiled. "You're not alone."
Reid sat for a few moments considering her words. "Thank you." He said softly.
"No problem!" She nudged him with her shoulder in a supportive manner. They both looked out of the window again for a short while until Tiffany started shifting in her seat, anxious to say something. "So..." She began cautiously. "Your scars." She gestured to them clumsily. Reid's heart jumped. He was starting to learn that this young woman had no filter. "Did you do them yourself?" His brows furrowed and he looked at her like she was insane. He held his arm out on display for the first time ever.
"Why would I do this to myself?"
She held out her own scar covered arms in response. "Why would I do this?"
He shook his head. "No, but, who would carve this into their own arm?" He said, completely perplexed. She was so direct he didn't even have time to feel uncomfortable about it.
"I dunno. People are funny. I met a girl here once that carved roses into her arm."
"Well, that's a bit prettier than this." Reid said looking at his arm in disgust.
"No... I mean the word 'Roses." Reid once again looked at her like she'd dropped off another planet. "Seriously." She continued, leaning forward like she was sharing some great gossip. "She didn't even know why. It was just the first thing that came to mind apparently." Reid shook his head in disbelief. Her eyes were drawn back to his arm again, her expression dropped into a frown. He turned his arm over now, starting to feel self conscious.
"You met some really sick people, didn't you?" She said quietly.
Reid huffed a laugh, something about the bluntness of it summed it up perfectly. "Yeah." He whispered introspectively. "Yeah, I did."
"I'm sorry that happened to you."
Reid felt a sting of tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry about what happened to you too."
Her lips tightened into a thin line and then she sighed. "This world sucks." She sighed, sitting back in her chair reflectively.
Reid looked thoughtful for a few moments then sat back himself. "Yeah."
They both looked out of the window again. This time in comfortable silence.
Come meal time Reid was asleep in his room. He'd had another 30-minute therapy session, this time with a woman called Lisa and it had left him exhausted. The session was mostly covering coping mechanisms for his PTSD symptoms and discussing his suicidal thoughts. Spending this much time around people all day, every day was getting too much. He just needed some alone time to recharge.
That was broken when his door slammed open and the 'bitch' nurse entered the room.
He stirred from his sleep and lifted his head towards the door. He groaned when he saw her stood with her hands on her hips looking most displeased.
"It's dinner time and once again I find you in here. I'm sure you are trying to work my last nerve." Reid dropped his head back down to the bed and pulled his pillow over his head. "Get up." She ordered.
Reid just ignored her.
She stormed over to the bed and pulled his sheets off and grabbed at the pillow covering his head. He held firmly onto it, not allowing her to take it.
"Spencer! Get out of bed now!"
"Nooo." He moaned. He really didn't want to eat anything. He'd already had breakfast and lunch today, which was more food than he'd eaten in weeks. And since his latest therapy session he had been feeling positively sick again after triggering a flashback. His body was still experiencing his post-flashback tremors. "I'm not hungry."
"You are eating. You are not going to waste away on my watch." She grabbed his wrist hard and tried pulling him out of bed.
"Don't." He twisted his wrist free from her grip and tucked it under the pillow with his head.
"Spencer, grow up, get yourself out of bed and get down to that dining room!"
Reid suddenly sat up meeting her gaze unflinchingly, the earlier story from Tiffany still playing in his head. "I don't want to go for dinner. I am NOT hungry; I am feeling sick and I just want you to leave me alone. So, you know where the door is!"
"Don't you speak to me like that." She backhanded him across the face knocking his head sideways. He knew it was a possibility, but it came as a shock when she did it. He felt tears sting his eyes. His hand came up to his cheek and he looked at her in hurt surprise. "Get up." She said harshly.
There was a knock on the door, they both turned to find Susan stood in the doorway.
"Belinda, you are needed in the dining room please. I will deal with Spencer."
Belinda shot a dark look at Reid and left the room. Reid turned his face away and discreetly wiped at his eyes.
"Are you okay?" She asked gently.
"I'm fine." He answered quickly.
"Did something happen?" She asked curiously. Of course, she knew what had happened. She could see the red mark on his cheek.
Spencer shook his head.
"No, nothing." He bit his lip. "Can I go back to sleep please?" He felt like a child having to ask permission for every little thing.
"Are you sure you're not hungry?"
He nodded. "I feel sick."
"Okay. Well, if you get hungry later make sure you ask for a sandwich or something, alright?"
"Yeah... thanks." He said lying down on his side and covering himself back up. He hugged his pillow tightly.
Susan left the room, closing the door and he allowed the shock to wash over him, he trembled and tears ran down his cheeks.
He just wanted to go home.
A knock at the door stirred Reid out of his slumber once again. He sighed as he rolled on his back, covering his eyes with the back of his hand.
"What now?" He mumbled.
"Well, that's no way to greet your visitors." A familiar voice spoke with a hint of amusement.
Reid instantly sat up in bed almost making himself dizzy. His eyes lit up and he practically threw himself out of bed and towards the man in the doorway. He grabbed him into a tight hug.
"Woah, it's good to see you too, kid." Morgan laughed. Reid just clung on for dear life, hugging him like he hadn't seen him for ten years. It was so good to see a familiar face. Morgan could feel him trembling in his grip.
"I'm so glad to see you." Reid whispered, squeezing him even tighter. Morgan smiled and returned the squeeze.
"JJ is here too." He said as strongly as he could through being constricted.
Reid finally let go and moved his attentions over to JJ. She held her arms out for a hug and Reid grabbed her tightly also. "I'm so glad to see you." He repeated.
"Me too, Spence. I've missed you so much."
"Me too." He said desperately.
"So, what you doing sleeping at this hour? They're all down there watching a film at the moment." Morgan said with a smirk. He couldn't imagine anything worse himself.
Reid pulled away from the hug with JJ and gave Morgan a serious look.
"Don't. I've had enough of all that already today." Reid said sombrely, moving away to his bed and sitting down on the edge of it. Morgan and JJ pulled up chairs.
"What do you mean?" Morgan asked.
"Oh, it doesn't matter." He waved away his curiosity. "I wasn't feeling too well, so I came to bed for a bit."
"You're not feeling well?" JJ asked, concerned.
"I was just feeling a bit sick, that's all."
"Flashback?" Morgan gave a tight lipped smile.
Reid nodded. This is what JJ felt awful about. Morgan automatically knew that sickness meant he'd experienced something like that. She automatically assumed stomach bug. She really didn't know her best friend at all anymore.
Morgan put a hand to his knee. "The doctor said you're doing much better today."
"It helps to not be sedated." Reid said coolly. "I'm sorry about that yesterday. I didn't even know you had come. I don't remember."
JJ dropped her gaze to the floor. Yesterday would stay with her for a long time.
"Well, I gave them hell for doing that to you." Morgan said, a hint of anger in his voice.
Reid suddenly looked nervous. "You shouldn't do that."
Morgan raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"
Whilst the majority of the staff were pleasant and helpful, he really didn't want to be the 'problem' patient. And he certainly didn't want to find out if anyone else subscribed to Belinda's harsh methods. Which was always a possibility if he pissed enough people off.
"It doesn't matter." He said dismissively. "How is everyone?" He looked sheepishly to Morgan. "Are Hotch and Rossi okay?"
Morgan smiled reassuringly. "They are fine, kid. Worried about you, like we all are."
"Are they angry with me?"
"Spence, why would they be angry with you?" JJ asked in disbelief.
"For doing what I did. They were really upset." He looked down at the floor.
"They weren't upset because they were angry, Reid. They were upset because they care about you and didn't want to lose you. They are both looking forward to having you home." Morgan said reassuringly.
Reid nodded unsurely; his guilt was obvious.
"I really want to go home." He said sadly. "I hate it here."
"I know, kid. I know." Morgan put his hand to his knee again and after a moment Reid's hand landed on top of it, grabbing hold and squeezing. His eyes filled with tears.
"I'm so sorry about everything, Morgan."
"You have to stop apologising, Reid. None of this is your fault."
"What I said to you was unforgiveable." Reid's face twitched with guilt.
"Okay, I'll admit, what you said to me hurt at the time. But I know you said it to make me push you away, not because you meant it." He squeezed Reid's knee comfortingly.
"You really should hate me right now."
"Kid, who you talking to? You've seen the stupid shit I do when I'm upset, right?" Morgan said with a grin. JJ snorted a little giving a knowing smile and a nod. Reid's lips quirked up a little. "Yeah, see. You know!" Morgan said with a laugh. "We all have our things we do to protect ourselves. Mine is getting angry and trust me when I say, I've definitely hurt some people over the years. No one is perfect." Seeing the look of guilt still written across Reid's face, Morgan stood and pulled him into a hug. "Come here. There is nothing to forgive, but if it helps you to hear it, then I forgive you. I know you didn't mean it. I trust you Reid and I always will." He squeezed him harder and placed a kiss into his hair. At this Reid's arms came up to wrap around Morgan's waist and squeezed him back. The sheer relief in him was so obvious. Morgan stepped back and put his hands on Reid's shoulders looking into his eyes. "Okay?" Reid nodded with a small smile. His eyes were watering up again. "Don't get upset." He stroked his cheek with his thumb. "It's all good."
Reid looked to JJ now. "Are you angry with me?"
JJ's mouth dropped open. "Spence, why on earth would I be angry with you?"
"Because of what I did. You've already lost two people that way."
JJ was lost for words for a few moments. She didn't want to admit that when she'd heard it sent her into a spiral. It took her back to losing her sister and her best friend all over again. The fact that she hadn't seen the signs, hadn't been able to do anything to stop it, hadn't been the person they reached out to when they were at their worst. She did feel angry. But not with him. With herself.
"God, Spence. I could never be angry with you for that. I was angry with myself, for not seeing it and not helping you. But not with you. Never with you."
"You were angry with your friend." Reid said matter of factly.
"I wasn't really. I've only ever been truly angry with myself." Her eyes teared up. "To see someone you love reach that point, it's upsetting. I love you so much, Spence. And I never, ever want to lose you. But I understand after everything you've been through why you felt it was too much. But I want you to know that I am here for you, whenever you need me. I don't care what time of day it is. If I'm out of state then I'm always just a phone call away. Okay? I don't ever want you to feel like that's your only option." She grabbed his hands into hers. "You promise me you will call me if you ever feel like that again? Or if you just need a chat or are feeling down? Just whenever you want. Promise?"
Reid nodded. "I promise." He said quietly.
JJ stood and pulled him into a hug. "I don't know what I would do without you... I need my Spence."
Reid laughed a small breathy laugh and JJ released him from the hug. Tears were running down her cheeks now.
"Reid, you're putting so much guilt on yourself, man and it's really not fair. After what has happened to you, you should be apologising to no one. Please, please just focus on yourself and getting better. Be safe in the knowledge that we are all just so happy to have you still in our lives. We nearly lost you three time thanks to those bastards." Morgan said firmly.
"Twice." Reid corrected.
"Three times. Would you have been stood on that bridge if it wasn't for them?"
"I guess not." Reid conceded.
"Reid, trust me when I say, all we care about is that you are still here. Nothing else matters. I honestly believe we can work through anything as long as you are still here, kid." JJ nodded in agreement. "Speaking of which, can I talk to you alone for a minute?" JJ shot Morgan a worried glance. She thought they weren't going to mention the trial. "It's just something personal, JJ." Something only Hotch and Rossi were aware of.
Reid shifted uncomfortably and JJ nodded. "I'll just be outside."
Morgan waited for JJ to leave the room and close the door. He pulled his chair closer to Reid. He was now avoiding his gaze.
"Reid, I wanna talk to you about what they said to you about me, Rossi and Hotch." Reid's skin flushed and he fidgeting with his hands, biting his bottom lip. "You do know that I do not want to have sex with you, don't you?"
Reid cringed. "Yeah, I know."
"But do you? Genuinely?"
"Yes!" Reid snapped in embarrassment.
"Okay." Morgan held his hands up. "It's just I know they told you that I would say that." Reid closed his eyes in avoidance. "That I'm lying but if you did, it would make me happy. That's not true, Reid. I don't want anything like that from you, ever. Okay? You do understand that, don't you?"
Reid nodded. "I know." He said sadly. "Logically I know that. But even now, I can hear their voices telling me it's not true." He dropped his head into his hands. "I just don't want to lose you."
"Reid, you're never going to lose me. They got into your head, kid. They knew exactly what they were doing, they wanted to make you think that everyone around you just wants you for sex, because that's the way they think. That's who they are. That's not me, not us. Don't let them warp your thoughts."
Morgan could see Reid was nodding and that he seemed to understand it. Reid then looked up at him through his hair, his eyes were shy and unsure.
"But, you know, I would do it for you. If that's what you wanted. You're my best friend and if it made you happy, I would."
Morgan's heart sank. He hadn't got through to him at all.
"Would you want to do it?"
"You've done so much for me." Reid said quietly.
"That doesn't answer my question. Do you want to have sex with me, Reid?"
His eyebrows twitched. "I don't want to have sex with anyone."
"Then why would you do it if you don't want to?"
"What does it matter? It's only sex. If it makes you happy then at least I would be paying you back for some of the stuff you have done for me. I know it would never come close but..."
"But you would be unhappy?"
"That doesn't matter." Reid said firmly.
"Oh Reid, that matters more than anything. You should never do anything that you don't want to do. Ever. You matter. You are important. You are not here just to please other people. I need you to start seeing that."
"Look, I'm just giving you the option. It doesn't mean anything. I just don't want you to feel like you can't ask if that's what you want, okay?" Reid snapped back quickly.
Morgan stared at him sadly. These guys had really destroyed any self-respect he had. It had already been at rock bottom after Jason and they had pushed him even further under. Way deep into the ground. He wasn't sure if he was capable of digging him back out.
"And what about Rossi and Hotch? Would you do it for them too?"
He shifted uncomfortably. "If- if they asked." His voice shook.
"Really?" Morgan looked shocked. "Oh yeah, because Hotch is your boss, dominant so naturally that's what he wants... and you owe him, right? And Rossi, he's a father figure who would like it if you called him Daddy? That's what they said, right?" Reid rubbed his face with his hands. "You do realise how ridiculous all of that sounds. This is Hotch and Rossi we are talking about."
"Please, Morgan." Reid just wanted him to stop.
"Reid. Not a single thing they said was true. They were messing with your head. And look at you, it's worked. You keep offering yourself to me and have a think about it for just one minute... I am straight, kid. You know that."
"They said you would say that too." He said softly.
"Well, they've just about covered everything then, haven't they? Fucking brilliant."
"Please don't be angry, Morgan. I just wanted you to know that it's okay." Morgan looked at him like he was crazy.
"It's not okay, Reid! You aren't believing me and it's not okay. They are so far into your head you don't even trust what I'm saying."
"I do trust you. I just know what you heard..." Reid's voice shook again. "And you know the things I- I said and did..." He took a breath. "I- If it's changed the way you look at me then I understand." Reid would not look at him now. He looked on the verge of crying again but Morgan could tell he was trying to stay strong for his sake.
"Nothing that happened that day has changed anything, Reid."
"Yeah, okay." Reid huffed skeptically.
Morgan sighed and put his head in his hand. He was getting frustrated now.
"Okay, you want to know what I heard? I heard three men brutally raping you. Forcing you to do things that you didn't want to do." His breath caught. "I- I heard you begging them to stop. You didn't want it, Reid. You asked them over and over to stop and they didn't. I heard them calling you names, telling you that you were enjoying it. I heard them forcing your body to react in ways you didn't want it to. I heard them telling you to say that you liked it, that you wanted it, to call yourself names and if you refused, they hit you or threatened you or made you do something else." Morgan took a few deep breaths as he could feel himself getting worked up. "Reid, you were tortured. They mentally and physically tortured you. You said what you needed to say to survive. I know that. There wasn't one ounce of truth in it. I could hear in your voice that you were terrified." Tears were streaming down Morgan's face now; his eyes were haunted. "Please, Reid. Please don't do this to yourself. Please just listen to what I am saying. I do not and will not look at you differently because of what I heard. Because all I felt was devastated and all I wanted to do was protect you and stop it from happening to you. Not join in! You are my best friend and it- it broke my heart."
Reid's shoulders began to shake and he pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged himself again and began to cry.
Morgan sat back on his chair and closed his eyes, sighing as he did. "I'm sorry, kid. I didn't want to have to be so brutal."
"It's okay..." Reid shook. "You're right."
"I am?" Morgan looked surprised.
Reid nodded into his arms. "I've been so scared that you don't respect me anymore... And I didn't want you to feel bad about it." He sobbed.
"Oh god, Reid. Never. I will always respect you." He stood and moved over to sit next to him on the bed. He put his arm around his shoulders. "Do you believe me now?"
"Yeah." He sniffled. "I believe you... Thank you so much." He sobbed.
"I love you, kid." He stroked Reid's head when he leaned into him.
Reid said he believed him and he believed Reid. He could only hope that this would help him move forward with a little less guilt and shame. He held him, feeling just a little bit more hopeful for Reid's recovery.
Then the trial crossed his mind and the weight fell back onto his shoulders. He pulled Reid in tightly just wanting to hide him away from the world.