Fictober 2024
Day 12 "Did you hear that?"
Takes place in the episode about surrogacy where Andy was holding that baby

trigger: child loss, late miscarriage

Little Angel

She had waited the whole day to see more of these two. Finally, Sharon had sent everyone home. She was glad to see him still here, especially with the baby in his arms. That did not prevent Sharon from wondering what Andy was still doing in the office so late. She had dismissed everyone nearly two hours ago.

She came closer to the two men. Andy was cradling the baby in his left arm and typing carefully with his right one. The baby looked around, alerted by her heels clicking on the floor. «Did you hear that my man, that's the big boss coming out of her dungeon.» He murmured, looking the tiny human in the eyes. With his weird mimic and big smile, he caught the baby's whole attention.

She peered above Andy's shoulder. Oh he was so cute, so utterly adorable. Without even thinking, she rested her chin on her lieutenant's arm and caressed the baby soft skin with her fingertips. Oh how she missed that tender age. Time had erased the sleepless nights from her memory and kept only the most precious souvenirs: breastfeeding them in the middle of the night, the only sound in the house, their breathing and suctioning. «Aaawww» She breathed as the baby looked at her with his big eyes. «Don't listen to him. He just wants to keep you to himself. Yeah, he does. Oh you're so Sharon, rubbing the back of her index finger against his soft cheek. The baby wriggled slightly and made a move for her finger. She let him do, revealing in his strong grip and his tiny hands. She moved closer to Andy, without even realizing it, her chest pressed against his back, their cheeks touching.

She felt the man next to her move a bit, his small beard burning her skin. «He's not the only precious thing.» he said with a soft smile in his voice. «Do you want to hold him?» he asked her, moving the bundle towards her.

She jerked back suddenly, frightening everyone: herself by her own visceral reaction, the baby who was not used yet to that kind of harshness and Andy who did not anticipate a rejection. Coming back toward them, she tried to calm her quivering voice to ask: «Why do you still have him with you?» She realized immediately how mean it made her sound.

Andy looked at her confused. She had been drooling over that baby all day long, and now, not only did she refuse to hold him, she also wanted him gone. He was not sure what to make about that sudden change of mood. «DCFS is busy. They said they'll come pick him up by tomorrow morning. I don't have a car seat, I don't have anything for him in fact except some diapers and milk so I figured I might as well wait here with him and complete my paperwork.»

Oh. She did not think about that. She had been the one running to the pharmacy to buy the first necessities. She did not think further though, sure as she was that social services would come and pick up the little dude quickly. He was a newborn after all, he needed around the clock love and tenderness. She smiled despite herself. Andy seemed fine in providing that. «You're so good with babies.» she said once more, coming closer to him. She could not help feeling a myriad of little butterflies in her stomach. She really was a softie for that kind of man.

They stayed in silence for a moment. The baby yawned, moved his tiny bum until he found a comfortable place and fell asleep right away. Sharon dropped once more her chin onto Andy's shoulder and watched the little merveille sleep. It brought all kinds of emotions within her, she refused to let them take over. Instead she focused on Andy's breathing, on the sight in front of her. It brought her warmth and peace. So much peace in fact that she started to feel drowsy. «Sharon. Sharon, don't fall asleep yet.» Andy said gently. «I'm going to put the little man down.» Carefully he removed himself from her and opened his bottom desk drawer. Inside she saw her silk scarf. She only smiled when he laid the baby on it and covered him with a loose end. «It's been on the hook in your office for months, I imagined it was ok to borrow it.»

She shook her head yes. She did not trust her voice, sleepy and emotional as she felt. «Why don't you want to hold the baby?» asked Andy again. There was no judgment in his voice, only questioning. They had gotten pretty close the last few months. It was obvious that she loved kids, that she was a mom deep into her core. Anyone who knew her even slightly knew that.

«I can't.» she said. She thought for a moment about changing the topic or just shutting down. That's what she usually did. But tonight … Tonight she felt safe. She felt like she could unburden for once. They had been friends for quite some time now. He often confided in her but she rarely did that herself. Maybe it was time to take a leap of faith and disclose something deeply personal. She looked around the office: no one. It was just the two of them and that tiny lovely baby.

She grabbed a chair and rolled it next to Andy's, watching the baby with him. «I haven't held a baby since I lost mine.» here she had said it. It wasn't half as hard as she had expected. It even felt liberating. She had hung around that truth for years, like a dirty secret she needed to hide from everyone. Andy did not say a word, did not press for more. She appreciated that. He reached his hand out, offering it if she wanted. She took a deep breath and took hold of it. She'd need part of his strength to tell him the whole story.

«Jack came back home a few months before my 40th birthday. He was sober, at least that's what I thought. He was.. he was everything I dreamed he was for years : present, attentive, loving. It was perfect. I.. I fell back in love. Since we were separated for so long I kind of … kind of forgot how long I had my iud in… I got pregnant. At first, I was terrified about being a single mom all over again. Especially at my age. I did not have the same energy then when I was 20. Anyway, Jack did everything he could to reassure me. He was present. I.. I stupidly fell for it. I was due a few days after Christmas. On Christmas Eve though, I got a call from the bank. He tried to empty all my accounts. Good thing Gavin never trusted him… anyway we got into a fight. I followed him out of the door, I was so mad at him. I really don't remember how it really happened. I just remember seeing his car leaving down the road. Maybe I lost my balance or my knees went weak. I'm not sure. I fell down the stairs, my water must have broken at that moment. George, or Georgette now I guess, lived next door. He heard something. Your partner and him came down, called an ambulance … The lieutenant even took Ricky home with him while… while I was giving birth. I noticed immediately that something was wrong with how the doctors and nurses acted. But no one told me anything. The labor went very quickly, much more quickly than with Emily and Ricky. When I arrived at the hospital, I was already ready to have the baby. I just remember pushing and pushing and pushing. It was so hard. George was with me the whole time, cheering me up, helping me move, advocating for me. Finally he helped me get up and it's a feeling that still haunts me. I just felt the baby slip out of me. Then the room was silent. The doctors, the nurses, the baby. No one was making a sound. That's when I understood. They didn't even try to revive him.» She felt emotionally exhausted, as if she had finally unburden herself. Andy was still holding her hand, drawing soothing circles with his thumb in it.

«He would.. that kid, he would be nearly Rusty's age.» he remarqued. He wondered if she had ever made the connection.

She smiled sadly. «Jack wanted to name him Russel. Because of Taylor, I was against it. I was thinking about Thomas instead.» she confided. Andy wrapped an arm around her shoulders, bringing her closer to him. He nodded, understanding.

The baby cried softly. He picked him up and after asking for consent with his eyes, he dropped the baby in her arms. She brought him close to her face, rubbing her nose and cheek against his hair. «He moved in mysterious ways ..» she stated with much reverence.

« His wonders to perform. » finished Andy on a breath, taking hold of her hand once more.