Chapter 20 – Big Beautiful World

"Where would we move to?" Rosalie shifts restlessly on the sofa, and I reach over and touch her fingers. "What kind of timeframe are we looking at?"

"I'd suggest we start the process now," Carlisle says. "We've made hasty moves before when it's been necessary, but it's far better if we can take our time to find a desirable place to settle, and to tidy up our affairs here before we move as any normal human family might do. As for where we might go, that's a family decision and everyone's input is welcome. We have some considerations to keep in mind of course – hunting availability, weather patterns, opportunities for work and study, places we've already lived in – but the options are fairly broad."

"Well don't look at me for ideas," I say. "I've lived in Gatlinburg and here, and I don't know squat about weather patterns anywhere else."

Everyone laughs, and the faint air of tension in the room lessens a little.

"I've got no particular preference at this point in time," Edward says. He looks at Carlisle. "But you have some suggestions?"

Carlisle nods. "Yes. There have been several ads posted in medical newspapers calling for doctors to work in some of the smaller and more remote towns in Washington and, given Eleanor's newness to this life, I think we would be wise to stay in a more rural setting. There's a place called Hoquiam that seems to have had particular trouble finding doctors and I'm sure I could work there. It's perhaps not ideal, as there would be few options for you and Rosalie to continue your studies, and the social and cultural experiences could be limited, but the hunting would be excellent and I believe the weather tends to be cloudy more often than not. In the long term it might be too restrictive but for a year or two, while Eleanor continues to adjust, I do think it would be worth considering. What do you think?"

"They're dedicating rather enormous areas of land to national parks in Washington," Esme says. "There's Mount Rainier, and they're establishing the Olympic National Park too, so there's plenty of opportunity for hunting. I wouldn't mind a quiet life for a while."

"I'll go along with whatever," I say, adding a little uncertainly, "But isn't Washington where the President lives? I thought it would be a city?"

At least no one laughs. "That's Washington DC," Rosalie says. "That's bordered by Virginia and Maryland; Carlisle's talking about moving to Washington state, which is in the northwest." She jumps up and goes to the bookshelf, returning with an atlas. "See? We're currently here…there's Washington DC, which isn't a state…and Washington state is right up here in the corner. Was it Hoquiam you said, Carlisle?" She frowns. "There's really not a lot around there, is there?"

"It's mostly logging and national parks," Carlisle admits.

"It's right on the ocean," I say, looking at the map. "Wow…I've never seen the sea."

Rosalie looks at me for a moment, her eyes soft as she smiles. "You know what? I haven't either. Not really. We spent summers on Lake Ontario, and I've been to New York but that was only shopping and the theatre and the park. Not the ocean." She reaches over and squeezes my hand. "There are always correspondence courses for studying. I think it sounds like a good place for us to try."

"I'm happy to try a move to the Pacific Northwest," Edward says. "I believe you're right about the weather there Carlisle; with the constant cloud cover we'll probably be able to live almost normally."

"I don't think we'll have any trouble selling this place, or leasing it out if we decide to keep it, even with the slump in prices" Esme says. "Although we'll have to do a bit of repair work on the bathroom!" She raises her eyebrows in my direction.

Rosalie squirms in mortification and I smile guiltily. "It was kind of an accident…I'm sorry! I'll fix it."

"That's an easier consensus than I feared then," Carlisle says with a grin. "I'll write away for details about the position and make some inquiries about property. We can discuss it again when we know more."

As everyone drifts back to their activities, I take the atlas from Rosalie and trace the route we'll need to take to get to Washington. "We couldn't really get much further away if we tried," I say.

"Not without leaving the US," Rosalie says.

"Are you really all right with moving?" I ask softly. "You didn't seem so sure before."

Rosalie shrugs. "I do see Carlisle's point that it might be necessary, and it would be better done thoughtfully. But it's going to be a big change, and even though the others are used to moving, I'm not. In my human life I grew up in the house I was born in, then in my vampire life I've only lived in the house outside Rochester that I first woke up in, and here."

"Sometimes I forget that you haven't been doing this all that much longer than I have," I say. "Probably because you're so good at it!"

"Moving is something new though," Rosalie says. "It's an inevitable part of our lives and I knew it was coming, but I was just a little taken aback."

"I'm sorry," I say. "I know it's my fault…"

"It's not though. I mean, what happened yesterday might have prompted us to action but the reality was always that we would leave here. Everybody knows that, and we've been here for years now so it wouldn't have been too much longer before the subject came up. I suspect Carlisle was already thinking about it; he was very quick to come up with a potential solution." Rosalie laces her fingers more firmly through mine. "I'm fine with it, honestly. As long as I have you, that's what matters."

Carlisle writes his letters and receives his answers in due time, calling for a family meeting to discuss them. The hospital in Hoquiam is happy (in fact, desperate) for him to take up a position there, and the real estate agent offers plans and particulars of a handful of properties that he thinks might meet Carlisle's requirements.

"The hospital is keen for me to start as soon as possible, so if everyone is in agreement we would just need to choose a house." Carlisle spreads some papers out on the table, saying apologetically, "Although the house won't be quite as grand as this one, I'm afraid. Everything available is smaller, or needing work."

Esme briskly unfolds a map and reaches for the real estate papers. "No matter. We can live more simply, and I'll enjoy being able to do some renovating and decorating! Let's see…something on the outskirts of town would be best…we do need a little bit of space though…"

The real estate agent has sent through descriptions of the houses, with some floor plans and measurements of house and land. I don't have much opinion – most of the houses that they're fretting over not being big enough could fit my family's house in it two or three times over.

"Your family didn't own thousands of books and a grand piano," Edward says. "Not to mention Rosalie's enormous wardrobe."

"We might all have to compromise a little," Esme says hastily, forestalling Rosalie's objection. "We can put some things in storage."

We talk it through and quickly settle on one that seems to be the best fit – it will need a lot of work, but it's on the edge of town with no near neighbours, has an outbuilding that will hold the cars, and it backs straight onto the forest. It is however, considerably smaller than the house we're currently living in and that means everyone is going to need to make some sacrifices and compromises to make it work – something accepted with rather variable levels of grace.

"It's completely unfair," Rosalie fumes, emerging from her closet with an armful of evening gowns. "How am I supposed to cut down my wardrobe? Don't they realise that different shoes serve different purposes? Most of these things I've barely worn!"

I forbear suggesting that she might actually get more use out of her clothes if she has fewer options – if someone owns nineteen evening gowns and goes out approximately twice a month, it's going to take a long time for an outfit to feel worn out.

"No one's telling Edward to get rid of his gramophone collection," she mutters.

"He's storing the grand piano and getting an upright instead to save space," I point out. "And he and Carlisle have already boxed up that mountain of books to go into storage too, and Carlisle's collection of weird medical artifacts isn't coming with us either."

Rosalie rolls her eyes. "Putting that macabre collection out of sight for a little while hardly compares to giving up a genuine Vionnet dress." She drapes a slinky gown over the front of her and sighs at her own reflection, before glaring at me resentfully in the glass. "It's easy for you to be sanguine – you're keeping everything you have!"

"True enough," I say cheerfully. Since my possessions consist of a painting, a few knives, the brooch Rosalie gave me, a couple of hides, a nice suit, and enough tatty clothes to fill a small suitcase, no one could possibly say I'm taking up too much room. "But I'll get rid of half of my clothes too, if you like?"

"If you do that you'll be walking about naked half the time. And while that certainly wouldn't be entirely unpleasant from my perspective, I'm not sure the rest of the family would approve." Rosalie holds up another dress against herself. "This one is too beautiful to donate…but I've said that about everything."

"It's true about that one though." I jump off the window seat and go to her pile of gowns. "Keep it…and this black one, it makes you look like a diamond…and this red one because it really shows off your breasts in an amazing way…and the pink one because it looks nice with my suit…and that blue one because you don't wear underwear with it. There you go, all sorted."

Rosalie is laughing. "That's what you'd recommend? Because I don't wear underwear?"

"What can I say? I'm a simple girl with simple tastes…I like to look at you, and I like to touch you, and I like dresses that make both of those things easy!"

"Well, your choices aren't terrible." Rosalie gathers the five gowns together and, when she thinks I'm not looking, slips another two into the garment bag and zips it closed. "I'll take your advice, at least it puts me one step closer to being packed."

"Want me to start in on the rest of your clothes?" I offer with a grin. "I've got a whole lot of favourite bits of your lingerie that I think you ought to keep and can probably come up with an opinion on what should go…maybe you could start with this blouse?" I get three buttons undone and am kissing the top of Rosalie's breasts before she pushes my head away with a groan.

"Stop it! I have to pack and you keep distracting me!" She looks at me longingly before shaking her head and firmly rebuttoning her shirt. "Go away and let me get on with things."

I blow her a kiss and slide down the bannisters to the lower floor. With Rosalie occupied with her packing, Edward out hunting and Carlisle and Esme gone to town for more packing crates, I leave the quiet house and take off through the forest at an easy, loping run.

I'm less than halfway to my destination when I hear footsteps joining mine, and see Edward and Rosalie are running alongside me. "Guess I should have run faster if I didn't want company then?"

Edward shakes his head at me. "Going back to see your family? We could hardly let you go alone. Luckily I caught snatches of your plans as I was out hunting and could grab Rosalie and come after you. I only wish Carlisle and Esme were here too."

"Nothing is going to happen," I say. "As gruesome as it may sound, I'm still riding the high of my last human blood feeding so it's probably the safest time to go."

"But the risk – if anything goes wrong, it's someone you love," Edward says.

"Well, now you're along to stop me. So rip off limbs if that's what it takes; Carlisle said we can be put back together if it comes to that." I glance across at Rosalie. "You too – full permission to do whatever's needed."

"Don't make me hurt you," is all she says.

I wonder if my reckless decision to try and see my family one last time before we move has upset her. "All right, angel-girl?"

"You should have told me what you wanted to do." Rosalie stops suddenly, her voice tight. "I would never have stopped you – I would have made the others help you! Because Edward is right that this is dangerous, and you'll never forgive yourself if something were to go wrong. We'll do what we can, but it would have been an extra layer of safety if Carlisle and Esme were here too."

"I'm sorry," I say. "I didn't really think…you were all busy, and it's not really important, it was just…"

"You can ask for things." Rosalie's face softens, and she reaches for my hand. "You do everything for everyone else…it's okay to want something for yourself. It's okay to ask for something and let people do something for you for a change."

I clasp her hand. "I love you. I'm sorry I didn't say anything…and I'm really glad you're both coming with me."

"Probably not least because you're running at least two miles off course," Rosalie says with a sudden laugh.

"I would have figured it out once I got a bit closer," I say. "But considering the only time I've travelled this particular bit of forest I was pretty preoccupied by dying and not exactly making a list of landmarks to guide me home again, I've not gone too far wrong! I'm happy to follow your lead though."

Rosalie guides us through the forest. I can't help but think of what it must have been like for her to travel this route carrying me, torn apart by a bear and with my blood dripping through her fingers, and not kill me. More than ever before I understand the depth of her tenacity and strength.

We approach the house from the rear, slowing our run to move silently and cautiously through the thinning forest, pausing on the edge of the trees.

"They've changed some things," I say softly. "That's a new roof on the house – and oh my word, that was needed! They've done work on the barn too, and they've bought more cows. They look good too, real quality beasts…and even the wash on the line is…everything used to be so threadbare and made over and patched, but that's…new clothes and linen, it's nice…I'm glad they're using the money from Carlisle…"

My voice chokes away to nothing, because just then I see my mama. Edward and Rosalie both wrap arms around me, but after a momentary, involuntary start towards her I hold myself still and just stare, drinking in her familiar and beloved face while my heart aches.

Oh Mama, I'm here! I wish I could let you see, just so you know that's it's okay. I wish I could say thank you very everything you gave me, and let you know that I'm all right. Better than all right…I'm happy, Mama, really happy. I miss you all, but I love my new life. I've got the whole world Mama, the most beautiful girl loves me and there's so much to look forward to…I just wish I could tell you, that's all.

Edward's grip on me tightens, but he doesn't have to worry that I'm going to do anything. This visit was never about that – all I wanted to do was to see it all one more time. To remember where I came from, before I go out into a different life.

Edward and Rosalie stay with me, their arms around me, Rosalie's lips against my hair or shoulder or neck, while we watch my family throughout the day. The same routines that made up my human life, of taking care of chickens and cows, bringing in laundry, making and sharing dinner, talking and playing cards and reading and sewing until bedtime, but this time I watch it as an outsider. And I see how special it is, how kind and good and meaningful it is to be human and part of a family, and even though I'll never regret what I am now in the same way Rosalie does I think I understand her a little more.

It's only when everyone is finally asleep that I move. I turn to Edward and Rosalie and crush them both to me in a tight embrace. "Thank you. We can go home now."

"One thing we have to do first," Edward says with a faint grin. "Go back to the beginning – there's something you should see."

My favourite fishing spot had always felt like quite a long walk from home when I was human, but with vampire speed we're there in moments. My mouth drops.

On the riverbank has been erected a heavy wooden cross with my name, Eleanor Grace McCarty, carved deep into the wood. Below this someone has scratched two more words – Bear Killer. The cross beam is topped by bear claws and mounted on the top is a bear skull, jaws open and wicked looking canine teeth exposed.

"What. The. Fuck?!" I can't stop my wild shriek of laughter. "Is that…that's the bear that killed me! I can't believe they did that! I bet it was Patrick…it was, wasn't it?"

"Yes." Edward's laughing too. "I caught him thinking about it."

"Sorry Rosa-girl," I say with a sideways glance. "Looks like I'm getting credit for something you did…if memory serves I didn't even make a scratch on that bear before he turned me inside out, and it was all down to you that he didn't get to make a complete meal of me."

"In this one instance, I think I can let it go." Rosalie's lip twitches.

"I've never seen anything so cool." I reach out and touch the vicious teeth and claws. "It almost makes being mauled to death worth it…so much better than a stone in the graveyard!"

"Well there wasn't anything to bury at the time," Edward points out. "So your family did this. Patrick added the bear accoutrements – he misses you terribly but he loves the idea that you had your revenge even as you died. He's told all kind of stories about it, about his powerful hunting sister, and all the nieces and nephews love to hear about it…you're a family legend now, Nell. You'll never be forgotten."

I laugh again, laughter that veers perilously close to sobbing because I loved them so much and was loved so well in return, and that means everything. And when I'm done I take Rosalie's hand and then grin and grab Edward too, and the three of us turn for home.

"I don't know why Edward can't go with Carlisle and Esme," Rosalie mutters, checking the straps holding her Rosalie car securely on the flatbed truck for the hundredth time. "Having to put up with him in the cab of this truck for days on end sounds miserable."

I think it's probably going to be more miserable for me, stuck in the middle of their bickering, but I don't say so.

"Well, that's really my fault," I say instead. "You know everyone felt it would be a safer bet to have both you and Edward there in case I go off the rails again."

Rosalie sighs. "I suppose he might come in handy occasionally. Too bad we can't make him ride strapped to the back of the truck alongside the car though."

I laugh as I wrap my arms around her. "If it makes you feel better, I'd rather Edward rode with Esme and Carlisle too…not because I have any objections to him personally, but if we have a third wheel it's going to make this kind of thing a heck of a lot more awkward…" My mouth meets hers, and then it's all kisses and touches and pleasure against the side of the truck, until we're rudely interrupted by Edward leaning on the horn.

"If you've quite finished?" he says with icy politeness.

I'm not at all finished, frustratingly not finished in fact, but Rosalie's wearing that look of relaxed gratification that I particularly like so I give her one final lingering kiss and squeeze and jump up into the cab beside Edward with a grin.

"Ready to go!"

I'm braced for Rosalie and Edward to start arguing about who gets to drive, which is usually the way of it when the three of us are in a vehicle together. However Rosalie must still be basking in the afterglow, because she just pushes me into the middle and takes the passenger seat quite cheerfully.

"There'll be plenty of time for everyone to take a turn at the wheel," Edward points out. "We're driving from South Carolina to Washington – we're basically crossing the entire continent. It's going to take days."

"At least no one needs to sleep," I say.

Rosalie sighs. "No, although we are going to be limited by the truck's engine and how long it can run before it overheats - I foresee quite a bit of sitting by the roadside letting it cool before it explodes. However I've packed all the tools, so even if the worst should happen I'm prepared."

"We might want to stop near some likely hunting grounds, if there's a chance," I say, as Edward swings the truck around and we start bumping down the driveway. "Or even if I can't hunt, I wouldn't mind seeing some cool stuff if there's any around."

Edward laughs. "I think that in the nearly three thousand miles we're going to drive, there's probably something to see that you'd consider cool."

I grin at him and take Rosalie's hand, bringing it briefly to my lips to kiss her knuckles. Love you, angel-girl. I know Edward's right. There's a whole big, beautiful world out there for me to explore, and I can't wait to see more of it.

It's an eye-opening journey across the country but perhaps the most wonderful thing I see comes at the end of it, after days on the road. We arrive at the small town we're going to live in and explore the somewhat dilapidated house we're going to have to do a lot of work on before it resembles anything like the home we've just left, and then Rosalie and I travel the last part on foot to see the sea. First the harbour, and then around to an isolated section of coast until the vastness of the Pacific Ocean unfolds before us, the sky streaked with orange and purple as the sun sets behind the cover of clouds.

For a long time all I do is sit and stare, watching the waves wash in and the colours fade away into the greys and black of night. Rosalie rambles along the shoreline for a little while, skipping stones and jumping away from the waves like a child, and I smile as I hear her laughing. As the clouds clear and the moon rises she stoops to pick something up, and then comes back towards me.

"Look," she says, holding out her hand and showing me a small, smooth blue jewel. "Sea glass."

Rosalie settles herself comfortably in between my legs and leans back against me. I lift her hair and kiss the side of her neck as she polishes her bit of glass, and then she gives it to me to hold as she plucks some of the grasses we're sitting on and starts to braid the tough stalks. Quickly she plaits it into a ring, taking the blue stone and binding it in with the tough stalks. Twisting back to face me, she holds it out and smiles.

"Marry me?"

"Oh yes." I stroke the curve of her jaw. "Nothing would make me happier."

Rosalie kisses me, and then takes my hand and slides the ring onto my finger. "With this ring I thee wed…to have and to hold…until death do us part…" she murmurs.

"We don't even have death to be afraid of," I say, kissing her. "You and I have forever to be wife and wife."

Rosalie laughs a little. "You make it sound silly."

"I've never been more serious," I say. "I love you, and making you happy is all I want to do. As soon as they'll let me I'll marry you in front of a priest or a judge or the Volturi or whoever matters, and in the meantime I'll wear my sea glass ring and count the days until I can put a real one on your finger. I just wish I had a crystal ball to tell me how long I'm going to have to wait."

Rosalie curls her back in to me and I curve my arms around her and rest my head against hers as we both go back to watching the waves.

"It's beautiful…I wish I had more words," I say eventually.

Rosalie laughs. "You? Lost for words? I never thought I'd see it."

I snort. "Cheeky! I know, I can usually talk the hind leg off a donkey…but I just meant I wish I had the right words for all this." I gesture towards the sparkling trail of silver on the sea as the moon ascends. "It's so beautiful. And…more than I thought it would be, you know? It makes me think of what we are."

I don't have the right words to tell Rosalie how it's making me feel, the vastness and timelessness of the ocean in front of me, and the way that for the first time I feel as though I might be starting to grasp the immortality we live with.

But Rosalie must be thinking the same thing, because she nods thoughtfully and says, "It's beautiful. Endless, and powerful, and ever changing and yet immutable at the same time – like us. I'm so glad to be here with you…I love you Nell."

"I love you too, Rosa-girl."

I hold her a little closer and breathe in the scent of her and feel the love all over again, and I know that wherever we are she will always be home for me. Mine.