A/N: I don't own Merlin. That was the luck of the BBC.
New chapter (and many more in progress)! I'm so glad I got this up today (2.24 am on the 25th December), because it means I get to say Merry Christmas (or whichever holiday you celebrate) and a Happy New Year to all my readers and followers. You guys are awesome.
Still fretting about their meeting the day before, Arthur had had little else on his mind besides the fact that today was not only the first council meeting that Merlin would be in attendance of, but one he'd also be working. It wasn't the most strenuous of jobs that was on Gaius' ever growing list of things Merlin was now allowed to do, but it was such a public event. Arthur had become much more protective over Merlin since they'd come back, and even more so with some of the fossils who still served on the council. So having him back in full view of some very unsympathetic people whilst he was still recovering didn't seem like a good idea for anyone.
He headed towards the council room, arms full with papers he'd studied and signed, albeit reluctantly as he'd had to sit and force himself to read the intensely boring documents. Usually he'd have a manservant pottering about and cracking jokes to distract him, his absence noticed by the king in the quietest of moment. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't notice the figure storming up towards him until it was too late to dodge her wrath.
"Arthur." Her tone was clipped, unusually for her, especially when she was speaking with Arthur. Her voice was normally soft and gentle, but today sounded stern and aggravated.
"Gwen." Arthur smiled cheerily, as they'd do on the occasions they met around the castle. A chance meeting with her would brighten his day immensely, and he always made an effort to spend as much time with her without being too obvious. However, taking one glance at her stormy features, he realised this meeting would not put the spring in his step that their encounters usually would. "What's the matter?" He couldn't figure out what was on her mind, surely she couldn't be angry with him, the few times they'd manage to see each other since they got back had been filled with nothing but pleasantries, and he was sure he hadn't done anything to upset her.
"How could you?" Her voice was low but determined, as she stared imploringly into his eyes. Arthur blinked in confusion, his mind still whirring with hat he possibly could've done to trouble her so, until Gwen got fed up waiting for the penny to drop and pulled him closer into the wall to shield their conversation. "Merlin." The usual calming tone to her voice hitched slightly with exasperation.
"Merlin?" Arthur's confusion was suddenly ablaze with possibilities. Had Merlin told her of his magic? Had she heard something from somewhere? No good could come of gossip about Merlin spreading throughout the castle.
"I've just had a conversation with him." She crossed her arms, shooting Arthur a deathly glare.
"And what- what has he told you?" Arthur rubbed the back of his head, feigning ignorance on the subject. He was going to have to tread carefully, she and Merlin could've spoken about any number of things, it was not necessarily his big secret that was the root of this conversation. "Exactly?"
"Everything." Her voice was unwavering.
"And what exactly is 'everything'?" Arthur was still playing dumb, although it only seemed to be infuriating her more, but he couldn't take the chance that this was all some big misunderstanding and reveal everything to her.
"How about the fact he has…" She was still having trouble saying it out loud. "Magic." Her eyes dotted about the corridor, as if a guard would cart her off instantly for just saying the word, then searched for Arthur's gaze and his reaction. Arthur's stare was full of confusion and questions.
"He's told you?" Gwen nodded. "That's- that's big." He couldn't believe it, Merlin had told Gwen about his magic. "How? When? Why did he tell you?" He was having a hard time understanding Merlin's motivations; he'd been so upset about all of them knowing his secret, yet he'd just told Gwen. Either it was a very good sign, or a very bad one.
"I can't tell you that." Gwen bit her lip and cast her eyes away from Arthur. She wouldn't tell him. Merlin had given her strict instructions and he'd been let down by enough people recently. But she was going to give him a nudge towards opening up to someone else, hopefully Gaius, about what was happening.
"What?" Arthur gave her a disbelieving grin. "We don't have secrets anymore, you have to tell me." Now he was getting worried. Gwen wouldn't just hide 'nothing', if Merlin had sworn her to secrecy, it meant either he didn't trust Arthur enough, or he didn't want other people knowing something. Arthur suspected, and selfishly hoped, that it was the latter. But if he was hiding something from everyone, that meant it was something big. "Is he alright?"
"It's not my place to tell you." She was torn up inside. She wished she could just blurt out everything about the panic attacks to him, he was one of Merlin's closest people, but he was still not over the things Arthur had said. And she had no right to tell him, even though it did worry her, the amount of secrets the warlock was now keeping. "All you need to know is that he needed someone to talk to, and I was a friendly ear who would listen without judgement. I just didn't realise how much he'd be telling me, I don't think he did either, it just sort of slipped out from him."
"Why didn't he come to me?" She could see the hurt on his face. Arthur missed the closeness between them, Merlin was acting as if he were just any other servant, and not speaking to him as he used to. He didn't have anyone else he could talk to like Merlin, and he missed it.
"You two aren't exactly inseparable as of late." The comment came out far snarkier than she'd intended, but it was the truth. Merlin was so conflicted with his mental state, that unloading everything to Arthur would've just confused him even more.
"Did he mention me, in your 'discussion'?" Arthur was hopeful if he could get the truth from Gwen about how Merlin was really feeling, then he could make progress towards fixing their relationship, having very little to go on recently about what was in his head. And he had tried, truly, to help him, but Merlin hadn't either wanted or needed his help, and was out of ideas of what to try next.
"Oh yes, we had a long chat about you." Her tone did not sound too optimistic of a sudden reunion or change of heart on Merlin's behalf. In fact, it sounded like she had a lot of anger directed towards him.
"Look Gwen, I'm sorry for not telling you, but Merlin didn't-" Arthur's excuses were quickly cut off.
"You think that's what this is about?" Gwen looked incredulous at the very suggestion, and hurt too. "That I'm angry you didn't tell me?" She couldn't believe he would think so low of her, that she'd play the stroppy child because she felt she'd been left out of the loop. She knew very well that Merlin had had his reasoning for it, and from what he'd told her, she should count herself honoured that he'd shared his information with her.
"No?" Arthur tried to manoeuvre around her as best he could. He'd genuinely thought that was why she was mad, he couldn't think of anything else unless-
"He also told me what you said to him." Arthur's heart constricted in his chest. Of course Merlin hadn't forgiven him, how could he after saying what he did to him, but he didn't realise he would tell Gwen. It was selfish and wrong of him, but he didn't want other people knowing about his shameful actions.
"That- that was a mistake, and I am paying for it every day." There was no justifying it, and deep down he knew that. But he had to try, he had to at least try and show Gwen how sorry he was for it.
"You're paying for it? How have you turned this around on yourself, as always?" Gwen shrugged herself away from the king, who instantly winced at his words. "Do you know what's going on with Merlin? Because it's not pretty Arthur, and this is somewhat down to you." Her words stung him deeply, but he couldn't find fault with them. He didn't know what was going on in his best friends head, and his stupid split second decision was the cause of it.
"It was a gut reaction in the heat of the moment!" He pleaded with her, desperate for her to understand the circumstances.
"It doesn't matter to him whether you thought about what you said or not; all that matters to him is that you said what you said and how you treated him, until your eventual 'epiphany'. You hurt him, when he was already in pain." Her words were still cutting, but she'd taken the edge off her voice, ensuring he'd understand how serious this was, that Merlin wasn't just going to wake up fixed.
"He knows I'm sorry." His words fell flat, not sure even he'd convinced himself of it.
"Does he? Because right now he is so alone inside his head and none of you have done anything about it. You, Gwaine, my brother, Percival; even Gaius isn't doing anything. Why are you tiptoeing around him like he'll break and not doing anything to help?" Her frustrations with the king and knights were boiling over.
"Because he was tortured, in front of us." Arthur's voice was soft and sad. "Do you understand Gwen? I let it happen, I walked away from him when Drin pushed a knife into his stomach. I can't just force myself back into his life." As painful as it was to admit, it the honest truth. Arthur hadn't tried to fight that guard taking him back to cell. He'd just walked away dumbstruck. "I've tried to help, but what am I supposed to do if he won't let me in?" Arthur huffed, crossing his arms.
"Try harder." She implored him in a hoarse whisper, trying not to let herself get too angry with him. "Before he really hurts himself." She added in a softer tone.
"You think it's that bad?" Arthur's body language changed in an instant. Gwen knew something, definitely. And he didn't feel like she was just talking about Merlin state of mind when she said he might hurt himself, god if that was the case then he was not going to leave his friend's side every again, no matter how he protested.
"I saw with my own two eyes how bad it was," the memories of him curled up the corridor, so out of his mind with fright still haunted her, "the lot of you must be blind." She scoffed. "Help him Arthur. You've got to." With that she stormed off down the hall, and Arthur watched her disappear, reeling from her words.
Had she been right? Was Merlin really not coping that well? He knew he'd not had an easy time since they returned, but he thought with time and some space he'd get better, and he'd be alright again and everything could go back to the way it was. Though maybe Arthur had been fooling himself from the get-go, not wishing to have anything more to do with Merlin on his conscience.
"Arthur." Gwaine jogged to catch up to the king as he strode down the corridor.
"Can it wait Gwaine?" Arthur huffed, already wound up from his interaction with Gwen. "I've got a council meeting to get to, and Merlin's there for the first time in weeks. I want to make sure it doesn't overwhelm him." He'd not wanted to sound so condescending, but he was genuinely worried. It was his first full day of duties, one of which involved standing for a long period and interacting with buffoonish nobles, neither of which he'd enjoy.
"That's actually what I wanted to speak to you about." Gwaine matched Arthur's pace, clearly not letting the matter drop. "How has Merlin seemed to you lately?" He wore a pensive expression, and Arthur couldn't get a proper read on it, whether it was just an offhand comment from Gwaine, or whether it was going somewhere.
"I'd have to actually have spoken to him to understand how he's feeling." Arthur muttered under his breath, not wanting to carry on this discussion with Gwaine. He'd been feeling frustrated and helpless since they'd returned, watching his friend hurt and not being able to do anything about it. He'd just assumed Merlin was telling all to Gwaine, a man he clearly trusted more than himself.
"He's not speaking to you either?" Gwaine breathed, making Arthur stop dead in his tracks.
"What do you mean 'either'? I thought…" No, Arthur had been sure Merlin was talking to Gwaine. That was the only reason he'd been allowing him to have so much space, because Gwaine had been visiting him whilst he was still recovering. And surely they'd been talking? He understood, though hated, why Merlin wasn't exactly talkative with him recently, but Gwaine was different, he'd been on his side from the beginning.
"Merlin has barely spoken to me, the times I visited when he was still house-bound I barely got a conversation out of him, and since he's returned to work I've only seen him a handful of times." Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose. Not good. Merlin wasn't confiding in either of them, people who'd seen first-hand what had happened to him, instead he was telling Gwen everything, and relieving the experience? It didn't make any sense. Something must've really spooked him to go into detail with her.
"It's not just me?" Arthur took a breath. Maybe his servant didn't hate him as much as he'd first thought. Just the idea that it was a more general problem, rather than just with him made Arthur somewhat grateful, but also incredibly more anxious about his wellbeing. "He's got to be speaking to someone though, right? I mean, he tells everything to Gaius."
"I wouldn't count on it, he seems to be not much clued up than either of us. I reckon he knows something that he's not letting on, but I doubt he knows everything." Gwaine paused for a moment, obviously weighing something up in his head. "I overheard Merlin earlier when I was going to go see him, I think he was talking to Gwen, about you-know-what."
"Yeah we've had words." Arthur chuckled humourlessly. "But he's only told her today, and I'm still not sure how detailed he got about everything. Which means he hasn't been talking to anyone about this for the past month." Arthur wasn't pushing the talking aspect for nothing; he'd seen torture victims go completely mad, reliving experiences over and over, until there was little of the original person, and he'd be damned if he let that happen to Merlin on his watch. He needed to know that people were there for him, that it was okay to be hurt, angry upset, whatever he was feeling, but pushing it to the back of his mind would do nothing but hurt him further.
"That's why I was really hoping you and he were talking." Gwaine sighed into his hands. "I don't understand why he's shutting us out. Could you try getting it out of him? I mean I obviously can't get through to him."
"You think I haven't been trying? He won't stay in a room with me for more than five minutes." Arthur had to bite back the anger in that comment. He'd been really trying with Merlin, and he'd got nothing, nothing in response. He took a breath, calming himself before saying anything regrettable. "I'll catch him after the council meeting, I'll make sure he's doing alright."
"I honestly don't think he is." Gwaine grimaced before walking away.
Arthur rubbed his eyes, thinking hard. He didn't know that he'd be able to get Merlin to talk, especially not if even Gaius was having problems getting through to him. But his talk with Gwaine had worried him. He wasn't the most in touch with his feelings, but even he knew after going through what Merlin did he'd have to talk to someone about it, just to have someone support him and his thoughts.
He pushed through the doors into the council room with a heavy sigh, suddenly having what seemed like the weight of the world on his shoulders, and sat at the head of the table. The councilmen stood and quietly addressed him as 'sire' to acknowledge his presence, before returning to setting up the meeting and shuffling papers. It was a fairly small affair, and wasn't of great urgency or importance, well the content of the meeting anyway. For one particular person attending the meeting however, it would hopefully be a massive step in the right direction.
Someone ask for angst for Christmas?
If the chapter seems a little short, it's because this was originally going to include a scene in the next chapter, but it was becoming far too long as I added more and more dialogue, so I decided to split the chapters. I hope you feel there's enough going on in this chapter. Seven will be up soon, there's a hell of a lot of tension to write.
P.S To my readers that are also writers, do review notifications expire on here? I've realised I don't always receive emails about new reviews posted to my stories, especially some of the older ones.
P.P.S I have a Beta account on here that I'd like to start using more in the new year, anyone and everyone is more than welcome to take a look and send me anything they want me to look at or need help with.