A/N: I don't own Merlin. That was the luck of the BBC.

I'm back! Although to be honest I never went away, but my life got so filled up with work I had zero free time to write and publish, and this chapter is so important it needed to be perfect.

Arthur turned the corner, not more than a few paces outside Gaius' chambers, when he spotted the familiar raven-haired servant crumpled in a heap on the floor, his head in his hands. The sound of his approaching feet, coupled with the gentlest call of his name, made him look up, and for the first time in what felt like forever he saw his Merlin. The fear in his eyes, the agony on his features, and the desperate attempt to recover his façade.

"Arthur, I'm so sorry about the wine and leaving the court, I just-" Merlin made to stand up, but Arthur motioned for him to stay where he was; instead sinking down to join him on the cold, stone floor and pulled his knees towards his chin. "You're on the floor." The warlock pulled a face, his confusion evident. If he wasn't feeling so awful right now, he'd be lauding it over the king, that 'Mr High and Mighty' had literally sunk to his level. Or he'd be in stitches at the sight of them – the king and his servant – sat together in one of Camelot's damp corridors, and on the floor no less.

"Yes, it appears I am." Arthur chuckled to himself, also not quite believing he had actually sat down, and gave Merlin a gentle nudge with his shoulder. It was light enough to be respectful of his current situation, yet rough enough not to be treating him as if he were made of glass. "Look Merlin…" He began, the next words unwilling to exit his mouth, for fear of the reply he'd get. "I know that you can't forgive me, but-"

"That's not what this is about, at all, Arthur, okay?" Merlin immediately interrupted him.

Arthur was nowhere near the top of his list of problems, though he did think it was best to withhold the fact that he did indeed play a part in his nightmares. It wasn't something Arthur, or anyone, needed to know. He didn't fear the king, not in the way his subconscious wanted him to, and he definitely didn't want Arthur thinking he did. He guessed he'd spent so long hiding himself from the king that his brain didn't know how to process the fact that his magic was now out in the open, metaphorically at least.

"Truly?" Arthur blinked.

"I understand why that was your first reaction, and although it was not what I wanted to hear – it was my biggest fear actually –" Merlin let out a breath, something of a humourless laugh, and Arthur's glance was once more cast to the stone floors, "I know that you are not your father, and you've tried so hard to make amends." The guilt of mistreating him these past few weeks hadn't made it any easier to be able to talk to him. He ran his hands through his hair and let out a deep sigh; a realisation dawning on him. "You've spoken to Gwen, haven't you?"

"She, uh, broached me on the matter." Her piercing eyes were not something he'd forget anytime soon. "We discussed some things, mainly about you," Arthur admitted, "and the fact you'd spoken to her about… things, but she didn't go into the detail I'd have liked her to. She won't tell me much, but she knows… certain things and she's more or less in the loop now." Merlin wasn't sure if he was relieved or anxious that she'd spoken with the king. He'd entrusted her with details he hadn't shared with anyone else yet, didn't know how to share, and as much as he did trust her, he couldn't help but wonder how much she'd let slip. "Why couldn't you talk to me Merlin? Why did you tell Gwen everything and me nothing? I thought you hated me for what I did, if it wasn't hate, what was it?" His voice was cracking with emotion, trying in vain to keep his composure calm whilst Merlin regained his. He hadn't wanted to his outburst to sound accusatory, but nevertheless it had, and Arthur honestly wanted to know why he'd shared with Gwen and not him, not realising his jealousy until now.

"Arthur," Merlin breathed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "I don't hate you, I will never hate you. I maybe don't like you when you throw a goblet at my head," both let out a chuckle of laughter, "but I don't think I could ever hate you. Even in the tower, when I thought I'd lost you forever and I was going to…" Merlin's voice caught in his throat as he scrunched his eyes, "die, I didn't hate you. I was in pain but I understood. And you haven't had me executed, which can only be a good thing." Merlin tried a half smile in Arthur's direction, but he didn't return it.

"I don't know how much you remember after we got out, I mean you were… asleep for most of it." He stared thoughtfully ahead.

"After I got free my magic just exploded and I blacked out, from there it's patchy, all the way through to when Petch was treating me, and even then, there's still missing time. I wasn't properly coherent until I woke up in Camelot, after three days of coming home." Merlin explained. "I mean there's chunks of being in that tower I can't remember fully, just the feelings." He grew quiet. "Why?"

"Gwaine tried to take you away from Camelot." Arthur mumbled. "Just after we got out of the tower."

"What do you mean 'take me away'?" His brows knitted together.

"We had a discussion after we'd set up camp. Well not really a discussion, he told me he was taking you back to Ealdor, that if you went back to Camelot you were in danger." Arthur could still feel some residual resentment towards Gwaine, even though they'd amicably work something out, he'd still insinuated Merlin wouldn't have been safe in Camelot, around him, and they'd not spoken of it since. It seemed there was a lot of keeping feeling shut off around the castle, not just between Arthur and Merlin.

"Danger? From what, who?" Merlin looked puzzled.

"Me. That I might snap and one day decide to execute you. He told me 'you can't take it back once he's dead'. I told him the truth, and it's something you need to know. When I got back to those cells, I was shell-shocked, and hurt and betrayed, and I thought you were a sorcerer, and my mind…" He stopped himself, and balled his fists by his sides, unwilling to admit the next part. "I thought for a split second, that you'd be executed if you came back to Camelot. And it went as soon as I thought it and I was disgusted with myself, but Gwaine thought I'd get that feeling again, and I'd have the means to kill you, and you wouldn't be safe around me."

"I don't- I-" Merlin stammered. It hurt, of course it did, but it had only been for a moment, and Arthur had spent his whole life being indoctrinated by his father and peers to hate magic, so it was only logical he'd have that thought, and like he'd said, nothing he'd said or done since they got back revealed any contempt he felt for Merlin, or his magic. It didn't make him feel any better about it though.

"I would never hurt you Merlin. You need to understand that." Merlin nodded slowly, but still didn't say anything. "I fought so hard with him for you to come back to Camelot. I made him see that you could come home." Arthur remembered that moment so clearly, the one where he'd finally come to the realisation he'd been Merlin all along, and him having magic didn't change that.

"Why?" Merlin said, almost in a whisper. "It would've been simpler to let me go." He didn't know what he would've done had he woken up in Ealdor. Could he have adjusted back to a rural, farming life, living with the knowledge that Arthur hadn't let him return to Camelot? Or would he have been as miserable as he was before he ventured into the outside world, with little but a rucksack and a letter for Gaius.

"Because I would've missed you, idiot." Arthur wondered how Merlin could even ask that.

They sat together quietly for what could've been seconds, or minutes, neither was really counting.

"I want you to know I wasn't shutting you out." A look from Arthur made Merlin reconsider his words. "Okay, so maybe I've been shutting you out, but it wasn't like I told Gwen everything just to spite you, she saw me in a dark moment and when someone sees you at your most vulnerable, it changes the way they perceive you." Merlin let the last line hang in the air for a moment, clearly not just talking about the incident earlier. "I needed someone to understand, just for two minutes, what was in my head and why everything was happening."

"If you could talk to her then, why couldn't you talk to us before? Why can't you talk to me? Gwaine came to me, he's worried about you as well." Arthur started. "We each thought you'd been talking to the other, or at least Gaius."

"I can't talk about it Arthur, not in the way you want me too. I didn't admit most of what happened to me when I was telling Gwen. She doesn't even know the half of every injury he gave me, and she's still horrified. Imagine living with all that knowledge and all those memories inside your head, all the time. It's too painful to continually acknowledge them every minute of every day, like you seem to want me to." Merlin paused for breath, an anger that had been kept under wraps for weeks bursting through. "Do you not think it's enough that it happened? Why should he get to dictate what happens to me now? Why should he make me relive it all just for the sake of 'closure'?"

"Because it's hurting you." Arthur's look wasn't of pity, but of empathy and realisation just how his friend had been affected by that monster. "I can't stand back and watch him take your mind too. You're too good to let that happen, too brave to let him have this fear holding you down. Maybe you've got to let him in to shut him out again, for good, not just until you heal, or until you can get back to work, but forever."

"I thought it would go away." Merlin breathed, struggling to keep his composure, to not turn into a blubbering wreck, especially in front of Arthur. He'd hold steady, he'd keep it together. "I thought when I got better, I'd wake up one morning and everything would suddenly be clear again, but it hasn't. It's like I'm living in a rainstorm and I don't know when the sun's coming back. I get reminders of him, and of the tower, everywhere. It can be something as small as seeing a bandage and being back on Petch's table, or a clap on the back and I'm there with him and that guard hitting me, and it's like I shut down. Sometimes I can power my way through it, I can push him to the back of mind, deal with it when it… comes back, but sometimes it takes over completely and I'm so scared. I'm back in that room and I'm so powerless and he-" Merlin faltered over his next few words, "he's won this, hasn't he?" He looked away from the king, screwing his face up so the tears wouldn't fall. He wouldn't let it out. He'd be brave.

"No, listen to me Merlin. He will never win, okay? You can beat him, I know you can." Arthur optimistically enthused, but Merlin had had enough of false optimism and hope, from Arthur, Gaius, Gwaine; all of them were determined to make the truth unnecessary and spin him lies about a brighter future.

"Why do people keep saying that?" He let out a frustrated shout. "I obviously can't; look at what happened today. It got too much in the council room and I freaked. That could happen every day for the rest of my life, and it wasn't even that much of an event. It was one small thing that made me lose my mind. How am I supposed to live like this?"

"I've dealt with Arrington." Arthur stressed. "He'll not be around much longer." He had a secret glee that he finally had an excuse to get rid of the old council member, although he lamented that Merlin had to go through what he did just to be free of him.

"It's not just Arrington though, is it?" He threw his hands up in frustration. "It's everything about this place." He seethed for a moment. Pain was everywhere he looked etched into every detail of the place he'd called home for so many years.

"Camelot's your home." Arthur murmured, his voice small and sad. "You can't let him run you out of it."

"I can't stay here with reminders everywhere I turn, even if I do get… fixed, nothing is as it was, or ever will be again." Merlin gestured in frustration. The frantic action made his shoulder twinge and he grew even more frustrated, again another reminder that could be with him for the rest of his life.

"Why would you want that Merlin? To go back to lies and secrets and fear of your friends? What's the alternative? You go back to Ealdor and live your life with regrets and worry?" He shook his head, determined that that was not an option. "You stand firm and stay here and let the people around you help you, because you know we can. Merlin, letting people in, letting emotion out, that doesn't make you weaker, or any less of a person. It makes you stronger than ever. Because you have to know," he made sure Merlin was looking at him, "that you are not alone, and you never will be. No matter what lies Drin told you, we're your family, and we will never, ever leave you." He emphasized every word, he needed Merlin to understand that he meant all of it, every single thing. "When you were out of your mind with pain and exhaustion, back in that sodding tower, the one thing you kept talking about, the one thing keeping you sane was Camelot and the idea of going home. You beat him, Merlin. I'm not letting you think otherwise, or letting Drin take your home from you from beyond the grave. You're staying put, and that's final."

"That an order, is it?" Merlin scoffed, but really, he wanted to cry. He wanted to dissolve into a mess of tears but he managed to keep enough composure not to embarrass himself in front of Arthur. Instead he pursed his lips, took a breath and smiled at the king. A real, genuine smile, much more than he'd given him for weeks. It told Arthur more than Merlin could begin to say, a thousand words, apologies, thanks – all portrayed through one, real beaming smile.

"Like you've ever done what you've been ordered to." Arthur shrugged, matching his grin. They'd never had a dialogue like that before, expressed feeling like that before, and it felt like both of them could take a breath and talk to each other again. "Look, all I'm telling you to do is let us in, telling us how you feel, if you're having a bad day. And no more lies, okay? Please Merlin, the truth from now on."

"The truth." Merlin nodded, two fingers crossed behind his back. There were some things he'd fix himself before anyone needed to know the truth. It wasn't as if he enjoyed lying, but after all this time, secrets were what he held on to. They were the things he had to himself, things that he didn't have to share with anyone else. He'd never realised before – he wasn't Merlin if he didn't have a secret.

"Look, it's not going to get better overnight, we both know that," Arthur smiled reassuringly, "but it will get better. And we'll all be here to make sure it does."

"You just don't want to train another servant." Merlin sniffed through a smile, a few drops of liquid running down his cheek.

"Well there is that." Arthur grinned. "The other servant I've had this past few weeks made me realise you're not as awful at your duties as I thought."

"Careful sire, that was almost a compliment."

I really enjoyed writing this chapter, it was time for some honesty on both sides, and I could write some (hopefully) really emotional stuff.

I have a Merlin one-shot that's close to publishing, one that's a hell of a lot lighter than the OSAW & OMAK stories, so if you're interested in that and other uploads be sure to follow me.

Reviews = author happiness.