A/N: I don't own Merlin. That was the luck of the BBC.

Little bit later than expected, but it was just because this chapter is so long so the editing and revisions took slightly longer than I thought.

Thank you everyone who left lovely messages on the last update welcoming me back, as well as people who left reviews before I did come back. It's always really nice to know people are still interested in/reading your work.

Arthur had found Merlin down in the armoury, along with Elyan and Percival. Polishing was one of the few chores he could manage quite easily, placing the breast plate or sword or gauntlet in the crook of his right arm, so his shoulder wasn't straining too much, then polish with his left hand. He could also sit on one of the benches while he worked, which was a nice change of pace.

The two knights were having some kind of competition in the background, which involved putting on a piece of armour as quickly as they could, then removing it even quicker. Elyan was seemingly having trouble attaching a plate to his calf, by which time Percival had successfully removed his. He held his arms up, signalling him victorious, and laughed deeply as he clapped the less triumphant Elyan on his back. Even Merlin was cracking a smile and a small laugh at their antics, especially when Elyan had called Merlin to umpire, claiming cheating was afoot, though how it was possible to cheat at attaching and removing armour from your leg was a mystery.

"Good to know my knights spend their time efficiently." The corners of Arthur's mouth quirked in amusement as he leant, arms folded, in the doorway. Neither knight had even the decency to look embarrassed about their actions, instead the large knight had begun collecting stray pieces of metal plating whilst the smaller joined Merlin on the bench, still muttering the word 'cheat' under his breath.

"It still counts as training." Percival had shrugged, with a sly grin on his lips.

"Oh yes. I'm sure removing your armour in a hurry is extremely important in some situations." The king returned Percival's nonchalance with a knowing smirk, to which Percival grew an increasingly bright shade of red, avoiding eye contact with everyone else in the room. "Sorry to cut – whatever this was – short, but one of the guards has just informed me there's trouble out towards the lower town. Some kind of creature."

"Any word on what it is?" Elyan looked up, though he didn't imagine Arthur held the answer. The only way Arthur ever knew was if Gaius would've told them about it once, one of the many times they'd huddled around his biblical book of magical enemies.

"No," Arthur shook his head, "that's why Merlin's coming with us." He cast a kindly smile in his direction, gesturing to a very bemused looking manservant.

Months ago, he would've simply told Merlin to fetch his stuff, no need to tell him he was coming with, but this was big, for both. They hadn't gone anywhere together since they came back. In the beginning, it had been that Merlin was simply too weak to go anywhere, shut away in Gaius' quarters to recuperate. Then he'd been taking things steady with his chores, not wanting to overexert himself. Arthur had imagined a few weeks into his return to work they'd be off gallivanting again, just him and Merlin, and everything could go back to normal.

Normal, though what did that word even mean anymore? It had become so overused between the two.

"You, what- uh, I… huh?" Merlin gaped at the king. He wasn't ready. He was nowhere near ready to go outside Camelot. He'd barely been outside of the castle walls during his recovery, and he'd spent the rest of his time trying to get back into a daily routine of chores and duties.

He would never say it out loud, but he did worry about going back outside. It was stupid really, he'd been in far worse situations in his life, he'd had far larger obstacles thrown at him, he'd defeated a witch of the old religion for god's sake, and here he was, afraid of an old man and his guard dogs. Even worse, a dead old man. It was ridiculous, there was absolutely nothing to fear, so why did his stomach tie up in knots at the thought of it? Why did his ears buzz and palms go clammy just thinking of Drin?

"It'll be fine Merlin, don't worry." Arthur smiled reassuringly at him again, breaking through the funk building in his brain. "We'll ride out, we'll assess the situation, and take it from there, okay? Horses are waiting for us out front. Everything's good."

"Uh…" Merlin seemed to disagree, at least everything in his screaming body did. There was a humming in his ears, his skin had turned a shade whiter and his stomach was doing little somersaults. He wasn't ready. Or could he be? Maybe if he just pushed himself, just put one foot in front of the other, he'd be fine. Perhaps it was just the apprehension of leaving, that once he was on his way he'd feel fine. But this wasn't just a simple ride out, there was danger at the end of their path, and he didn't know if he could handle it. No, he definitely couldn't handle it. "Arthur…" Merlin called out, his decision made, but the door was already swinging on his hinges.

Shit.

The horses stood aligned in their troop in the courtyard, primed with their saddles and ready for an adventure at a moment's notice. It wasn't something Merlin had ever really taken notice of before; he'd just climb on one of the stallions and they'd be off, sometimes all of them, sometimes just the two of them. Merlin usually felt different away from Camelot, as if he wasn't as restrained in his persona when they were out and about, that he could be slightly more carefree than usual.

That had all changed though.

The cool air felt refreshing as he stepped out into the courtyard, delicately illuminated with a spring sun. He hadn't been out an awful lot recently, and for a country boy, he'd longed for the feeling of the wind in his face and sun on his skin. It was as if the world had returned to normal, if only for a split second.

That was before images came flooding back to him, ones of a dusty village square and a kindly farmer, of horses all in a line like here, and pain, all over, brutal, aching pain. The shock nearly made Merlin double over, but he caught himself, steadying against one of the pillars. He took a breath, and swallowed down the memories, before walking over to his steed. At least this time he'd get to ride by himself, not half-dead and slumped over Gwaine.

He'd been doing some preliminary checks over his horse before they left, just to ease his mind. He'd found himself kneeling by the side of the beast, checking every buckle and strap on each piece of kit, when a shadow cast over him, the figure placing one arm on the stallion to steady it. Merlin didn't even need to glance at them to tell who it was, the ever so slight stagger in the footsteps gave that away.

"What is it, Gwaine?" Merlin didn't look up as he obsessively continued to adjust the saddle.

"I know." His voice was firm as he stood by Merlin's side, unbudging, with his arms folded across his chest.

"Know what?" Merlin sighed, still not taking his eyes off his task.

"Don't." Gwaine let out a low growl. "I heard you and Gwen talking – I heard everything." At this, the warlock froze in his mission, and he let out a single breath. Gwaine saw the tension tighten in face, saw the frustration and the weariness eating away at him. "Don't bother lying to me." Gwaine grimaced, eyes askance into the distance. He was mad. Not a kind of rage induced bar-fight mad, but a kind of disappointed mad that weighed heavy on his heart and hurt him. Finally, Merlin frantically cast his eyes up to Gwaine, a look of panic and defeat on his features.

"Why do you always have to figure everything out? Why?" He whispered, mostly to himself, closing his eyes and leaning against his hands, still tight around the buckle. "First the magic, now the… this." He pulled back, rubbing at his eyes, then throwing a glance back up at Gwaine. "It's a- temporary change of circumstances. It'll be sorted soon enough." His stuttering, blatantly false answer sounded unconvincing even to Merlin, let alone Gwaine.

"When were you going to tell us?" Merlin's silence offered Gwaine the only answer he needed. "You weren't, were you?" The hurt was immediately palpable in the knight's voice as it caught in his throat, and he let out a short, rueful laugh. He shook his head, turning away from the warlock.

"I can't." Merlin had to bite back despair, his entire composure was extremely fragile and dangling from a single thread. There was no way he was about to lose it now, not as they were about to leave. The knight could never just leave anything alone, none of them ever could. Merlin was so terrified if he started unpicking every single fraying stitch then he would just unravel completely.

"We're your friends, Merlin." The slight pause on friends was more accusatory than anything else. "Have you forgotten that? I thought we weren't doing secrets anymore." Gwaine spat, his words laced with an angry pain, the desolation that his friend had lied to him, once again. "After everything."

"Look, as soon as-" Merlin tried to reason with him, keeping his tone soft and apologetic.

"No," He held up a hand, interrupting Merlin before he could spin them any more lines. "I'm not keeping this one a secret, mate. In the past I kept quiet to protect you. And I understood it then, it was dangerous for you and you needed that protection. But not this time, because now they need to know. So, either you tell them, or I will." He walked away without another word, and Merlin felt a crushing wave of guilt overtake him as he watched Gwaine leave. He'd never set out to hurt him, he'd never intentionally hurt any of them, but this was something he'd thought was best kept to himself. Maybe he had been wrong to do so.

He stood up, feeling somewhat satisfied with the condition of the saddle, and let out a low, resigned breath. He spun around the ask the now irritated stable-hand if he actually had tightened the reigns properly for the third time that day, when he spied Arthur in the entranceway to the castle.

Arthur wasn't alone.

There stood Petch in his familiar grey cloak, smiling and waving the king off. That was it, that the final nail in the coffin of the day. His head felt like his thoughts had turned into cotton wool and his feet felt unsteady on what had been a perfectly flat piece of land before. His vision blurred in front of him, and he felt himself beginning to lose control.

Not now.

Visions of a house cluttered with medical supplies, the sound of a glass breaking somewhere far away, the smell of homemade bandages peeling off his oozing red stomach, something foul tasting, a sense of comfort yet still everything was tinged with panic and fear everywhere. Fear of Drin, fear of Arthur, fear he'd never be able to go home, fear he'd never make it home…

Please not now.

"Are you alright Merlin?" Elyan caught him by the arm as he felt his legs wobble once more, steadying him. The knight tried to catch Merlin's eye, a deep-set frown on his face and worry in his eyes. "You don't have to do this, if you're not ready. People will understand." He uttered softly, his approach as if he was talking to a startled animal.

He'd been doing so well.

"I'm fine." Merlin nodded shakily, to which the caring knight simply glared at him, assuring him in a look that he wasn't. "I am." He reiterated, more forcefully this time, though not as to be unkind to Elyan. "Is that Petch?" He tried to sound as unconcerned as possible, brushing of his internal screaming panic as an everyday question. "What's he doing here?"

"Just visiting, perhaps." Elyan answered warily, though he himself didn't sound too convinced. "Do you need a hand getting on your horse?" He broke out of his trance-like wonder at the aging physician as he turned towards Merlin.

A part of Merlin really wanted to reject the offer, to try and climb on the horse himself, but even he knew when to relent, this being one of those times. He nodded in thanks to Elyan who gave him a short boost up, and Merlin swung his leg over, feeling a little more relieved now he was actually back on the horse, quite literally. His scars were still fresh and somewhat tender, but he was glad they weren't troubling him too much as assumed a comfortable position, hoping the riding wouldn't aggravate them.

Arthur had popped up next to him as he leapt aboard his own horse. He began chatting to Merlin about everything that they used to, from how nice it was with the sun out to how much of a trek it was down to the lower villages. It was beginning to feel like it had done before, back when things had been really, really good. Merlin would hold his tongue about Petch until they returned to Camelot, at which point he'd interrogate Arthur about it.

The ride to the lower villages took slightly longer than it normally would've done, and Merlin suspected that this was due to them riding at a slower pace, because of him. He was thankful for it though; his muscles were killing him by the time they arrived at one of the villages. It was obvious something had been through some of the farms, there was a very clear imprint of a footprint, or something resembling one, in a patch of crops. There was also a family trying to rethatch one of their rooves, as a large chunk of it was missing.

Merlin wasn't quite sure how they'd ended up in this position.

They'd followed the creature, some kind of large bird similar to a Rocbut smaller. Gaius had once shown him one of the creatures in his book of wonders about the Old Religion. They'd followed the trail of footprints the thing had imprinted upon rows of fields until it led them to it, raking through a field looking for something. They'd chased it, or possibly it had chased them, to a rock face and trapped it between them and it, or so they'd thought. Whilst they were stood around questioning how best to deal with it, it'd sprung out at them and flown up across the cliff top, catching Elyan as it moved. It was sheer luck the bird hadn't picked him up, merely caught him with a talon which left a scratch along his torso. In the bird's panic, it'd knocked large rocks loose, which had come tumbling down in front of them, again by dumb luck none of them were caught under one.

Merlin, Arthur and the knights now found themselves pinned behind the rocks, lest it take another swipe at them. The creature moved closer to them, it's beady eyes peering out for any sign of prey or predators, and let out a high-pitched shriek that sent shockwaves running through the ground.

"Merlin, can't you… I don't know… zap it to death?" Arthur called across, covering his face as more of the rock face came tumbling down, the creature letting out angry screeches and clinging to the edge of the face. Merlin really should tell him one of these days about his feats, they'd never properly discussed his actual magic ability in depth before. However, Arthur imagined in was slightly more complex then 'zapping' something.

"Well you see, about that…" Merlin began sheepishly, being interrupted by yet another shriek and more pieces of rubble coming at him. There had to be another way of dealing with this, something that didn't require him using his magic, but right now he was racking his brain and couldn't think of anything.

"Come on Merlin," Arthur laughed nervously, "we're in danger, you can fix it, it's not a problem." He cast a glance over to Merlin, who was leaning into his boulder, muscles tense and a panicked expression on his face.

"I can't." Merlin reiterated a little louder this time, grimacing. His frame was still tensed up against his rocky shield, and he was shaken once more as another loud call rang out.

"Merlin, I told you-" The king started, trying to catch Merlin's eye. He had no problems with him using magic in front of him, especially if it was to save to them. He encouraged it, in fact, and Merlin had no reason to fear any repercussions of whatever he had to do.

"Oh, just tell him!" Gwaine growled from behind his shelter, cutting Arthur off and growing impatient of the conversation. This is exactly the sort of situation he thought would be hindered by Merlin's omission about his current condition, and now they were all in danger.

"Tell me what?" Arthur's voice hitched slightly, a mix of worry and anger catching it. He could feel a knot in his stomach starting to tighten, it was becoming more and more of a regular occurrence with Merlin around.

"Gwaine…" Merlin warned, his voice threatening and low. He did not want to be outed, not again. Why was he never in control of these situations? Why could he never sit down and calmly explain what was going on in his life, instead of having it ripped from him under dire circumstances? The little voice in his head was cooing 'I told you so' though, there'd been plenty of situations he could've sat down with Arthur and told him the truth, he'd just been far too ashamed.

"Either you do or I-" Gwaine called out, deadly serious, as he dodged more rubble flying at his face, most landing in a clump in his hair. Merlin didn't let him finish, couldn't let him finish. He'd say the words out loud this time, not mumble apologies like before. He would be a coward no longer.

"I can't do magic!" Merlin cried out. It was as if the world was listening in to him, everything around them going silent for a minute. "Not properly, not since we got back to Camelot." He breathed. The words felt heavy in his mouth as he forced them out, something he had only uttered aloud once, and that was in the quiet comfort of Gwen and her everlasting understanding. Everyone was listening to him and he had no control over how they judged him now. Weak and pathetic. His inner voice, which was becoming more and more indistinguishable from himself and Drin every day, taunted at him. "Happy now?" He hollered across pointedly to Gwaine, catching the attention of bird who floated off the rock face and landed on the ground with a thud. Gwaine's expression was unreadable to Merlin; bitter, worried, apologetic maybe – but the furthest thing from happy.

"And you think now was the best time to tell me? Now?!" Arthur hissed, turning to face a shaken-looking Merlin. No magic? That, as well as the trauma, had been the root of everything? The lack of recovery, the distant gaze, the panic? Arthur had no idea how crushing this truly had been for Merlin, but he could not conceive why he'd hidden this from them. The sooner they knew the sooner they could've… helped? Even if they weren't the ones to fix the problem, they could've supported Merlin through this, instead of him battling on alone as he had done his whole life.

"I was working on telling you!" He lamely replied, covering his eyes from yet more crumbling rock flying towards him. Liar.He hadn't been building up to anything, he'd just been sticking his head in the sand and hoping everyone would go away if he just wished hard enough. Wishing never worked though.

"Then why the hell didn't you?" He hadn't meant to lay it on so thick, but he was mad. Mad at Merlin, mad at the secrets, mad at the situation. Merlin didn't have the one protection Arthur thought he had, he'd literally just take an unarmed, unstable man out with him against a creature which seemed to want to carry them off for breakfast. So above all, Arthur was mad at himself.

"I didn't want to worry you!" The sudden outburst from the warlock took Arthur aback a little. He hadn't seen Merlin have that much emotion for a long time it seemed. Merlin stood there, taking a breath and gripping onto his boulder to support him. It wasn't dizziness or panic this time, more the sheer toll this was taking on him mentally. He wasn't up for this. He hadn't been ready.

"Didn't want to worry me? Merlin, you are unbelievable!" Arthur was beginning to fume, tapping his foot as replacement to pacing, often his go-to when he needed to think, hoping he was quiet enough for the bird to not notice them. However, an angry shriek and a foot crushing Leon and a wounded Elyan's hide told him otherwise.

In a moment of what would either prove to be genius or idiocy, Percival rose from his cover, what little could hide a man of his stature, and raised his arm and sword aloft, the blade glinting in the setting sun. With a cry, like a Spartan, his sword was soaring through the air towards the creature. Time seemed to stand still, everyone silently watching the blade fly towards its target, if only for an agonising moment before it found its mark – the winged beast's chest. It let out a final ear-piercing screech, it's wings flapping desperately to keep itself lingering in the air as red spilt down from the offending weapon caught in its torso. With a final gasping breath, it crashed to the ground.

There was silence amongst the group for a moment, the lack of noise eerie after such a calamity. Percival warily ventured over to the beast, checking if it was in fact dead. He peered over the face of it, with total disregard that it could well leap up at any moment devour him. But it's eyes remained shut, it's beak ajar with no breath emerging and the slow stream of crimson along its downy breast drying. With some effort, Percival retrieved his sword, an unpleasant squelch echoing through the rock face.

"I'm sorry I had to do that." He murmured, inaudible to everyone else. He hadn't wanted to kill the creature, he disliked killing in most scenarios, especially with something that hadn't caused too much harm. There wasn't another choice though, they were lucky Elyan had escaped with only a scratch, and the rest of them uninjured, it really had been in self-defence. It didn't make him feel much better though. "It's dead. We can go." Percival gestured for everyone to stand up from where they'd been sheltering, swooping a large arm around Elyan to support him as he clutched at stomach.

"Merlin." As they began to walk back to where they'd tethered the horses, Arthur turned to the warlock, whose eyes were firmly glued to ground. "I can't believe you. Do you know how much I have deliberated taking you out with us? I was worried something was going to happen to you again, Gaius practically banned you from coming and I had to all but order him to let you out, and do you know why?" He paused just long enough so Merlin finally looked up to meet his disappointed gaze. "Because the little voice in my head reminded me you have magic, and for once I actually listened to it! I thought you'd be able to protect yourself. But little did I know; you've got no magic anymore!" Arthur's rant carried through the air, making Merlin feel even worse than he did already, but he'd needed to hear it. "And of course, Gwaine knew all about it." He huffed, and before Merlin could answer back to him, he'd ridden on ahead, leaving nothing but his childish whine behind.

Finally, the secret is out.

Hope you enjoyed that and were able to follow along okay. I do appreciate there is a lot going on this chapter.