Parts of Me Will Die With You
Well this is the first MCU fic I've ever really done so hopefully it's in character. :D It's gonna be a four part series that's basically a Loki-Thor role swap. :)
I already posted the prologue of the next part, called Avengers: Soldier's Thunder, in case anyone's interested in checking it out.
Warning: Bullying that gets a bit unpleasant
~ Tirana Sorki
Jotunheim looks the same way as when Loki last saw it, only days ago. It's cold and dark, every bit as ominous as everything he's always heard about the Jotuns.
He shouldn't be here.
The Jotuns are standing in the shadows, watching them. They're far outnumbered.
"I am Laufey, king of this Realm," says the one in front, his red eyes glowing in the darkness.
"And I am – " Thor starts heatedly.
"We know who you are, Odinson," he cuts him off sharply, "Why have you brought the stench of your blood to my world?"
"I demand answers," he replies angrily. He's still furious about his ruined coronation. Not that there's any way he couldn't be. Loki knows how excited Thor was about it. He's been talking about it for years, ever since Odin first mentioned coronating him. They all had known it was coming, but it had changed when Thor realized how rapidly approaching it was.
Guilt worms its way through him, even as he tries stubbornly to ignore it. Loki knows how dangerous Thor becoming king could have been to Asgard, to all the Nine Realms. That's why he had to make sure it didn't happen. But that doesn't mean it was easy.
He'd tried bringing it up to Odin, who'd just brushed him off.
He'd mentioned it to Frigga and she just told him that it might be the best way to push Thor into acting like a king ought to since it's a responsibility he needs to learn.
He'd even tried mentioning it to Thor, who'd just laughed at him. Not as though he expected anything better from his brother. If he weren't too much of a fool to listen, he wouldn't be too much of a fool to understand.
Loki had no idea what else to do when he made that decision.
"Demand?" Laufey repeats.
"How did your people get into Asgard?"
Laufey's gaze shifts past Thor, landing on Loki. "The house of Odin is full of traitors."
A chill runs through him, entirely unrelated to the icy air surrounding him.
Especially when he sees the way Sif and the Warriors Three exchange wary glances at the words.
"Do not dishonor my father's name with your lies," Thor snaps.
"Your father is a murderer and a thief," Laufey retorts sharply, "He stole what was ours and left our world in ruins. We have the right to reclaim the Casket."
"Not when you'd use it to make war against other Realms."
Laufey laughs sharply. "And why have you come here? To make peace? You long for battle. You crave it. Is that what your brother came here for? To instigate another war?"
Loki's heart lurches, blood running cold.
No, no.
Why is he mentioning this?
It was supposed to be a quiet deal. It wasn't for anyone to know.
"What are you talking about?" Thor asks, confused.
"You weren't aware?" Laufey queries and he sounds almost amused, "The other Odinson is the one who showed us the way to Asgard. We should have known it was intended to bring war."
His heart is pounding.
All the others are looking at him now.
Hogan's face is hard to read. Volstagg looks confused, while Sif and Fandral are looking at him with a rapidly growing anger.
This is going to end terribly. He should've – done something differently. Should've made sure there was no way for anyone to trace it back to him. He had tried, and if they hadn't come to Jotunheim, it would not have been a concern. No one would ever have known, and Loki knew there was a chance, but he thought he had it all handled. He thought he knew what he was doing. But it's too late now.
"Loki?" Thor asks, "What is he speaking of?"
How does he answer that? The one time he needs to have something to say, he's at a loss for words. Instead he offers them an amused smile. "You believe this Frost Giant's lies?" If the circumstances were any other, it would be amusing, but now with the receiving end of Thor and all of Asgard's anger directed at him, it's not.
"It was you, wasn't it," Sif says, gaze hardening, "You're the one who sold out Asgard?"
"Only a master of magic could bring three Jotuns into Asgard beneath Heimdall's sight," Hogun replies.
"Loki's always been one for mischief, but you're talking about something else entirely," Fandral whisper-hisses at his friend.
Are they really going to talk about him as though he were not standing right here between them on the snow? Usually, he hears the whispers behind his back. Not right in front of him.
"How dare you accuse Loki of treason?" Thor demands, glowering at Laufey.
"My guards believed he was sympathetic to our plight," Laufey says, "It appears you do not share his view. But it should be obvious to you, if we were able to enter Asgard on our own, we would have attacked centuries ago."
"Loki would not –"
"Thor." Sif's voice interrupts him, and they all look at her. "Hogan's right," she says, "We came here for answers. Loki is the one who tried to stop us from finding."
Thor's considering it. Loki can tell that, and it's a war between Loki and his friends. He already knows the victor – it's always the same. Loki has always fallen by the wayside.
"If I may," Volstagg ventures, "Perhaps we should return to Asgard to discuss this amongst ourselves."
"Take your toys when you depart." Laufey lifts a small, silver object and throws it at Loki's feet where it clings into the snow innocently as if it didn't upturn his every attempt at sparing Asgard his brother's stupidity
Thor wasn't supposed to know this. Ever. The evidence is incriminating; more than he cares to think about and definitely more than he can deny.
His brother's expression is rapidly shifting to anger.
"It was you?" Thor sounds part wounded, part furious. "You let the Jotuns into Asgard?"
"Brother –"
"Don't lie to me!" he snarls. "You ruined my coronation!" His tone is torn between incredulity and outrage.
There's nothing Loki can say now that's going to get him out of this. This is about to go very badly. "Can you not see why? You're leading us to war."
Thor fist slams into him, and Loki stumbles a step backward, panic smothering him. This is very bad –
Sif and the Warriors Three are saying something but he doesn't have the mind to hear it.
The Jotuns are watching them. Some of them seem amused, like this is funny. For them, it probably is.
Oh, of course it is, because they did this partly intentionally, too, and Thor is an absolute moron for happily showing off their conflict to their worst sworn enemies.
"Thor – " Loki starts, scrambling for something to say.
Thor picks him up by the neck.
The pressure on his throat is tight and strangling and it hurts and his rage bubbles up with his hurt. Thor has a right to be angry, but it wouldn't have happened if he weren't such an idiot and he's willing to fight and hurt and try to kill him.
Loki flings a blast of magic into his brother's chest, throwing him back. He hits the snow on his knees, panting.
One of the Warrior's Three has their weapon out. He sees light glinting off metal.
Loki scrambles to his feet, backing up and splitting himself off into an illusion.
"You're a traitor!" his brother roars.
"And you're a fool!" Loki yells back. He magics his daggers into existence.
Sif stabs one of his illusions, and it flickers out of existence. Thor throws Mjolnir at him.
The real Loki ducks behind an ice cliff, panting a little. His neck is throbbing. It wasn't even hurt, probably was barely bruised, but it hurts.
If Thor doesn't kill him, Odin will. Loki knows that. There is no way out for him.
He should've been more careful. How did he make a mistake this stupid?
He jerks aside when Sif's sword stabs through the ice. She's definitely bent on murder.
He hears lightning crackling onto Mjolnir and braces himself. The lightning hits him, anyway, a brief and fleeting spark, but it still throws him against the wall and into the snow, burning through his veins.
Loki groans, gasping, rolling over shakily. Desperation and helplessness grate on him, and he throws one of his daggers at Thor before he can try to kill him again. He bats the weapon aside, letting it clatter into the snow.
He backs up and then his brother's hands are on him, shoving him into the rocky, icy ledge. Loki grunts, trying to shove his arm away.
Behind him is a bright light and Thor jerks back as Odin, riding Slipnir, touches down in the snow.
He feels faint. Dizzy. Somewhere between passing out and throwing up, and he can't get Thor's grip off him as hard as he tries.
"Forgive my son's intrusion," Odin says.
"Oh, no, it was actually quiet entertaining." He wants to murder Laufey, too.
The bifrost touches down, yanking the eight of them back with an irritating amount of ice that Loki is still trying and failing to brush one-handed out of his hair.
Thor throws him at Odin. Actually throws him, and Loki hits the floor of the observatory, wincing at the pain in his knees and back and his neck still throbs.
He wants to cry, and he's being weak.
"I found how the Frost Giants got into Asgard," Thor says, voice vibrating with fury.
"You disobeyed the direct orders of your king," Odin's voice is equally sharp. He doesn't even sound surprised, but he hasn't moved from in front of Loki. He doesn't dare get up, either.
"What does that matter when the traitor among us is our own prince?" Thor yells back. "He used his magic to hide from Heimdall's sight."
"Enough!" Odin turns to the others. "Speak not a word of what you overheard if you value your tongue."
That says nothing about what his intentions are, and Loki just sits there, breathing deeply and trying to calm his racing heart when it's pounding fast enough, he feels it racing in his fingers, still cold from the snow.
Sif and the Warriors Three leave. Loki hears them going.
The air smells like ozone. He hears lightning crackling. Thor is seconds short of spontaneous combustion.
"You are not prepared to sit on the throne of Asgard." Odin is angry, and so is Thor, and this is almost guaranteed to explode in someone's face. Probably Loki's, because that's always what happens.
"Loki is the one who betrayed Asgard!"
"And you showed your enemies your weakness!"
Does he move? Can he move? Is he supposed to move? Or maybe he should teleport away, and hope Odin and Thor kill each other in his absence – that would be the best for him. Truly. No more concerns about either one of them murdering him.
But in the end, Loki doesn't move.
"Thor Odinson," their father says, his voice sharp with rage, "You are not to set foot outside the palace until I say otherwise."
"Me?" Thor argues, "Loki's the one who betrayed Asgard!"
"Your brother's actions will be addressed."
The air is tight, tense, and Loki thinks it could be easily cut with a dagger.
"Loki Odinson."
No. No he knows the punishment for treason knows he is worthy of being executed but he was just trying to help –
Magic is twisting in the air, and Loki shifts back, bracing himself.
"Your magic is a gift that you have used freely for far too long. Until you prove yourself worthy, your magic will be stripped from you."
Loki inhales sharply. He can't breathe and then there's an awful pulling in his chest that spreads into a raw burning throughout every inch of his body. That's his seidr his magic his only defense and Odin's taking it from him.
He can't think about what's happening when pain whites out his mind, hot and burning and vicious, even if it lasts only a second and still throws him to the floor. The metal is cold under his hands – the only thing keeping him from going all the way onto it face-first.
The burning stops, but the aching doesn't, and leaving him kneeling there, panting and gasping and there's still an empty hole in his heart that doesn't shift or fade.
His face is wet. He's freezing and he can't – he can't feel.
He could feel Thor standing behind him, the brilliance of his lightning, and Odin right in front of him, but now it's just a void. Like walking blind.
Odin is saying something. Something about keeping him at the palace.
With Thor.
Where his brother can execute whatever vengeance he believes he owes.
He can't defend himself.
Thor walks out of the Observatory. Loki sees his cape swirling around him, hears the thump of his footsteps. It still feels like he can't hear at all.
There's a void in his head. He should be glad he's alive. Loki knows that. He just doesn't know how he could ever live without his magic.
"What possessed you to take such actions?" Odin demands.
He knows the answer. Loki has wanted to yell it at Odin, at everyone, but his words mean nothing. They never have.
"You could have started a war."
"I knew you would stop them. A few Frost Giants for the good of Asgard? It seemed a worthwhile sacrifice." Loki stumbles, trying to limp to his feet. He doesn't have his magic. He doesn't have anything, and he's fairly determined to at least keep his dignity. His head spins when he stands. He feels sick. The world is spinning, cycling like he's falling and he's –
"Mischief has always been your gift, son, but what you have done today has cost lives of those you were meant to protect."
At least he's not yelling, but it's a near thing.
He wants to run. Wishes he could teleport somewhere far from here, but he can't touch his magic and it feels raw and aching inside him. It was bound, but it feels like it was ripped out entirely and Loki couldn't cast the simplest spell if he tried. His throat still aches from Thor's hand. It feels like it'll bruise.
He won't be able to hide it.
"Thor is not fit to be king."
"You will trust your king's orders." Loki flinches at the sharpness. He's tense, fully braced for a blow and it's genuinely confusing when it doesn't come. "Return to the palace."
Loki goes.
**w**
He wakes in his room like he has every time since this started, aching and sore. It's not from Jotunheim – it's the lack of his magic. He hasn't seen even a glimpse of Thor since coming back, which is probably for the best. Loki doesn't know what his brother will do, and he doesn't want to. Either Thor or his friends.
Odin goes into Odinsleep, completely dodging the family drama. Nice excuse. Loki tries not to be resentful. He can't help it. His magic is the only defense he has now, and he wouldn't have had to take that action if anyone had been willing to listen to him.
He's been ignoring everything not in his room or the library, which he's wary about going to, lest someone find him there.
Loki would be completely content with continuing to ignore everyone, but Frigga sends for him, and he has to grudgingly head for Odin's chamber. Frigga has been alternating with Eir to keep watch – there's a legitimate question about whether he will wake.
Loki has only briefly seen Frigga since this happened, too. It's – good to see her, but he hardly relaxes, even after scanning the room and verifying safety.
She's probably angry at him, too.
"Loki."
He hates how much she sags when she sees him. Was he worrying her? Bitterness bubbles up in his heart, hot and fierce. He wanted her worry when he needed someone's help, before he was forced to make a terrible choice on his own.
What is he to her now? He doesn't have magic. He can't fight. He can't – anything.
"Hello, Mother." He shuffles across the room.
"Sit," she requests, and he does. Even if he has to wrap his arms around himself in the vain hopes it'll ease the panic in his chest.
He should say something. Should he apologize? He doesn't know. He honestly can't say that he's really sorry. Not for ruining Thor's coronation. Definitely not for saving Asgard. For letting his family down, yes, but not...
Everything else.
"You haven't eaten in days."
Loki blinks, lips parting in disbelief. "I'm not hungry."
"You need to eat."
A little hard when his chest feels raw like something was carved out except there's no open wounds to see. "Thor will be there. I cannot imagine he's overly fond at the notion of seeing me."
"Who's fault is that?" She's not angry, but she's definitely disapproving, and it still stings.
Still makes him want to cry, like he hasn't cried enough over the past several days of solitude.
"Mother, I tried everything I could. You know Asgard cannot have him as king. Bringing the Jotuns here was – was not what I wanted. I didn't know what else to do."
"You could have come to Father or I."
"I did." He sighs, slumping in his seat, trying not to look anywhere near Odin's still form. He wants to disappear into his chair, really. Doesn't want to be seen, to be here, to be anywhere, but if he dies no one will even remember he existed, and if they do, it'll only be courtesy of Thor calling him a traitor.
If he'd even remember that by the end of the century.
And now he's nothing, a traitor to Asgard even if he was the only one willing to do what he had to.
Frigga sighs. She looks tired – she probably is. She's taken Odin's role temporarily as he sleeps, and Loki doesn't know how long it will last. She isn't made for this, either – she's strong, and she's a queen, but she hasn't single-ly ran Asgard in a long time. "I know we made some mistakes with you," she says quietly, the words weighted, and Loki thinks there's something more to that, but he can't tell what. His magic could have. People call him the God of Lies because he knows how to tell them. They never say that he learned from all the lies he's surrounded by, from the ones he reads right through, from how he knows – knows – that his parents often think of a world he's not in. "I wished we could have talked about this."
He shifts, a quiet "me too" slipping out. He wishes she would understand. Maybe she does – Frigga has always seen him in a way that no one else ever has.
She probably wants to know more about this.
Loki doesn't want to talk about it.
"Are you alright?" she asks.
Honestly? "Oh, yes," he snips, hardly able to muster a fake smile. "Truly splendid."
She's giving him a semi-strict no-nonsense face, and Loki huffs.
"What would you like me to say?" he asks bluntly. "Odin stripped my magic. If there is a threat, if Thor –" He chokes over his brother's name, trying to breathe. Breathing is hard. It's supposed to be natural, but he feels like he's dragging it in through miles of grated sand.
"Thor is your brother," Frigga reminds, "He loves you."
"Thor wants me dead."
His mother is quiet. Not even Frigga can concoct an eloquent response, he doesn't think, not that there is one any person can give to the blunt realism of these circumstances. Or that there is time, considering the loud sounds outside the chamber's door, or how they sharply swing open.
Loki jerks to his feet, hand on one of his daggers, hidden beneath his armor.
It's Heimdall.
What is he doing here?
"My Queen," he says, bowing briefly, "Prince Thor intends to return to Jotunheim to destroy the rest of its people."
Frigga's inhale is quiet but sharp, and her eyes dart to Loki.
Idiot – of course he would. Trying to prove himself a bloodthirsty king. "Just as I warned you, Mother."
"He will need the sword to activate the bifrost," Frigga replies.
"Gungnir," Loki points out. The guards – especially those who agree with Thor, considering his sway over them – will not hesitate to hand the scepter over to his brother. "He doesn't need Heimdall."
"Loki, head to the bifrost," Frigga orders, "Stop your brother. I will handle his friends."
This is – what he feared, but Loki doesn't object just this once.
It's a good thing he knows a shortcut – Thor can fly, after all.
**w**
Loki arrives late. Even a shortcut through the palace and the fastest horse in the stables wasn't enough for him to beat Thor's flight. He has Gungnir, sure enough, though Loki highly doubts his brother's ability to even run the bifrost.
"Thor!" he yells, dismounting and sprinting into the Observatory. "Stop."
His brother whirls around. He's glaring. "You take my kingdom and now you try to claim my vengeance?"
"Mother sent me to stop you from destroying an entire realm!"
"What is it with this sudden love for Frost Giants?"
"Perhaps some of us understand logic whereas others are entirely unknowledgeable of how to turn on the bifrost."
"I know how to turn on the bifrost!" Thor thunders.
"Do you know how to turn it off?"
"You will not insult me!"
His idiot brother is an insult to himself, actually. Loki would tackle him or something if he were able to, but he can't now.
Thor moves for the exit, and Loki jolts after.
He well might end up just having to strand his brother on Jotunheim, but that's not preferable. Thor could die, and Jotunheim will still be damaged. They would still be past war.
He tries to tackle Thor instead, which, without magic, is begging to end up bisected, but he has very few options.
They trade a few rapid blows before Thor just throws him.
Loki's back hits something hard and metal, and he topples onto the floor with a grunt. His back aches even through the armor and all. Not that it's a well-armored area.
Something sparks behind him. Loki rolls over, pushing himself up, grabbing Gungnir and yanking. It doesn't budge.
"Congratulations," Loki snips, "You broke the bifrost." It's jammed. He didn't know that was possible, but no one has ever tried to damage it before. Leave it for Thor to be the first. He is entirely unsurprised.
Though as for how to turn it off, he doesn't know. Heimdall or Odin would. Loki's not exactly a bifrost expert. Loki releases the metal, trying to study the sparking mechanism around it.
"Then you will have no way of preventing –"
"You will destroy an entire realm."
"Those monsters deserve to be slaughtered."
"Father was right," Loki tells him icily, "You are not fit for kingship. The destruction of one realm will offset the lives in all others."
"Asgard would be better off if Father had slain all of them in the war!"
Loki has no way to shut this down, short of using his magic, which he doesn't have. A dagger isn't enough to stop it, and Odin will kill them for this already. They were supposed to be at the palace, and Thor will be in even more trouble once Odin wakes. And, as always, he is being a complete and utter moron about it.
Loki can't damage it, so the only chance he has is getting Thor too, which will not be pleasant.
Which will mean whatever he is about to say will have to be the worst things he can envision saying. With his magic ripped out and a raw, aching hole in his chest, with the knowledge that someone is very likely to try killing him and he'll be helpless with whoever it will be when they attack, it won't be that hard.
This was Thor's fault.
All of it.
"It was just a bit of fun to crash your coronation, truly," Loki supplies with a flippant smirk he feels none of. "Your big day. To think that you truly believe I were to let you rule Asgard."
Thor roars with fury, flying at him.
Loki sidesteps, but his movements are slowed without his magic, without feeling – he still avoids the blow, and Thor trips into the bifrost's control center. He picks himself up as Loki backs away, still furious. "You will pay for your treachery, Loki."
"First, I recommend you pay for your idiocy." It would be infinitely easier if he could cast illusions, but if he could, none of this would be a problem in the first place. Either he needs to count on Frigga getting here soon, or...
He's going to have to let Thor beat him up.
Thor lunges at him again and Loki rips a dagger from beneath his leathered armor, stabbing outwards. His brother catches his arm, twisting it away. He didn't mean to stab him – he could've if he wanted to, but he thinks a second later that would have been the best option.
Thor throws him again, and Loki rolls to his feet, snatching up his dagger.
He could use a staff. He could really, really use a staff – Gungir would be the best fighting option right now, but he can't get it out of the controls. The bifrost is still running. He should've seen that coming.
"You will not stop me from claiming my throne!"
"I won't have to, if you stop yourself again. If you hadn't gone to Jotunheim, Odin might have considered reconsidering."
"He wouldn't have had to if not for you!" Thor yells, "You will not get away with this, brother!"
"Won't I?" Loki throws back, "I don't need to crash your coronation again. You're doing a marvelous job right now of proving to Father that you'll never be ready for it."
Thor lets out a wordless roar of rage and throws Mjolnir at him. Loki ducks out of the way and the hammer slams into the Bifrost behind him.
The energy crackles behind him and then it explodes.
The blinding flash of light whites out his vision. Something hits him and he's being thrown and he can't see anything but his back is burning and so is his arm and –
And he's falling.
The observatory is collapsing around him.
It's too bright to see anything but he can still tell enough to know this is about to end badly. Loki tries to summon a dagger instinctively but it doesn't come, of course, and the constant ache in his chest grows even stronger from the strain. He scrambles for one of the daggers he has stashed in his robes instead, hand closing over it barely in time and he swings it down, stabbing it into the side of the bridge before he can fall right over the edge into space.
And Thor's –
He's trying to catch ahold of a piece of collapsing observatory but it's slipping and he's –
"Thor!" Loki yells, panic flaring up inside of him.
He's about to fall and there's nothing Loki can do to get to him in time.
He hears someone else calling his brother's name too and turning his head, it's in time to see that Frigga's riding down the bridge toward them. But she's too far away.
The debris of the observatory screeches, and more of it falls over the edge, into space.
Taking Thor with it.
Loki reaches out wildly, desperately, trying to summon his magic to catch him.
All he's hit with is a block of nothingness nearly hard enough to take his breath away and make him lose his own hold on his dagger.
He doesn't care. Thor's gone and he's falling into the starry void beneath Asgard and a portal ripples beneath and Loki is fully intent on following when Frigga grabs his wrist.
His mind is blurring over. His mother is talking, yelling his name, he thinks. He can't think about it. All he can think about is Thor and how his brother was falling and – and –
"I'm sorry," he whispers finally, voice raw.
"You did what you could," Frigga replies, but her voice is shaking. She's looking past him into space, for any traces of Thor but he's gone. "Now come."
He doesn't want to.
He doesn't want to – anything, except to undo what just happened. To – do something, anything differently, but it's too late.
In his mind, he can't stop seeing the rippling hole closing over his brother.
**w**
When Loki wakes in a healer's room, it's to the instant knowledge that he doesn't want to wake up. He shouldn't have made it when Thor didn't. Thor's gone. He's –
It doesn't feel real. Feels like he's going to leave the hall of healing where he is now and Thor's still going to be there and he's still going to be furious at him like he was before but at least he'd still be here.
There's movement in the room.
Loki jerks. He didn't realize anyone was there – and that would never have been an issue if he still had his magic. None of what happened would have, if he still had his magic.
He turns his head to see who it is, gaze locking with Odin's and he instantly wishes he hadn't looked. His gut flips violently at the mere sight of him.
If Odin's here, then he must've woken up from Odinsleep so at least Frigga's worry that he'd never wake up isn't a problem, but –
He's also the last person Loki wants to face right now. He can't – can't.
"Son?" Odin's approaching his bed now.
He can't well pretend to be sleeping now, even if he wants to. Loki tries to move so he can sit up at least, for whatever conversation they're about to have, but it sends a sharp stab of pain prickling through him. He's all bandaged and whatever his injuries were from the Bifrost exploding must have been bad.
"Is Thor – " he starts to blurt but it's stupid. No one would have been able to get to him if Loki couldn't. But he doesn't want to have to accept that – that this nightmare is real.
"He's gone," Odin replies, tone unusually quiet.
No.
He knew it, but that doesn't mean – He's not ready to face it. Never will be. Thor can't be gone. They've literally always been together, for over a thousand years, and even when they started fighting constantly, Thor was always there on some level.
And now he's gone and Loki wasn't able to save him and maybe if he'd done something, anything differently, then none of this would have happened. The guilt is choking him and he doesn't know how to face it. It wasn't all his fault, but – Well, maybe it was. He's the one who started all this in the first place.
To a point.
"You did well to stop Thor's return to Jotunheim," Odin says after a long pause.
Loki blinks at the sheer unexpectedness of it. Odin very rarely – says anything like that.
Odin moves closer and Loki sees that he's holding Mjolnir. It sends a wild, overwhelming pang through his heart, hard enough to take his breath away. That was Thor's and now it's – all that's left of him. "This weapon was meant to be wielded by one eventually worthy of a throne. With your brother gone, that passes to you."
Wait.
He's – what?
Odin extends the weapon to him and all he can do is gape at him,
Why is he giving that to him?
"But that's – that's Thor's," Loki blurts.
"And Thor is here no longer," he replies sharply, though this time Loki thinks the curtness is from grief.
It's still enough to make him comply instantly because that's all he can ever do when it comes to Odin.
He reaches out shakily, taking the hammer from him. It feels wrong. This isn't his. This isn't his. He doesn't deserve it.
Even if the magic of it must say otherwise or he wouldn't be able to hold it right now.
"Your magic will be returned," Odin goes on, "But I expect you to wield as you should. Had you done so from the start, all of this may have been avoidable."
Loki flinches.
It's the exact same thing he's been thinking ceaselessly from the moment he opened his eyes and to hear it spelled out so bluntly cuts through him even deeper.
He's struck with the sudden urge to cry but he's not going to right now. He just lowers his eyes instead, saying nothing. There's nothing he really can say.
Even with his magic bound, he can sense it when Odin's magic touches his, shifting around him.
His magic comes flooding back to him in a rush, the sudden sensations overwhelming. The pressure in his chest abruptly lets up and it's beyond a relief to be able to draw in a single breath without constantly feeling it.
Perhaps he should say – something to Odin, but he doesn't know what. He doesn't want to say anything to him. He wants to forget this ever happened but he'll never be to get it out of his head again.
Having it back does little to stop his wild fear that he could lose this again. Odin basically said as much, and he has no doubt that he'll be watching him closely. He doesn't want to think about it. This could happen again. He could get his magic bound again anytime Odin thinks he's misusing it.
And it's one thing that makes him what he is. The one thing he and his mother had spent so much time doing together.
But now that it's back, he can sense – something.
Thor.
He's out there and he's still alive.
Lost in space, but he's not dead yet. Which doesn't necessarily mean anything, but if he's alive, then –
But Loki can't teleport out there to find him if he doesn't know where that is.
"Father," Loki starts, heart pounding, "Thor's still – out there. I can sense him."
"He has fallen from Heimdall's sight," Odin replies, solemnly, "There is no way to reach him. But if he is truly alive as you say, he will find his way back."
That's – probably true.
Maybe.
But – they don't know if that he's alive now means it's going to stay that way or – or anything.
Odin leaves after the healer comes in to check on him. He thinks he's gone into shock because now he's just starting to feel an overwhelming numbness. He sets Mjolnir down at his bed side and pointedly turns his back on it. He can't look at it again without feeling sick.
It doesn't start to truly feel real until Loki's out of the healing area and walking through the palace back to his room. Everything feels empty even if only one person is gone.
He doesn't want to have to deal with Thor at all right now but now he's just gone and Loki's never going to see him again – likely – or – or anything.
Thor was here only – was it yesterday? And now he's gone and there's nothing Loki can do to undo any of what happened no matter how desperately he wishes he could.
He wants to cry, but he thinks it's too deep for even that.
He feels like he's walking through a haze, even with his magic back, which is probably why he didn't notice someone approaching until the footsteps are right behind him.
"Loki!" a familiar voice calls sharply and he stills, turning to see Sif approaching. And she looks very angry.
Oh.
Oh no.
He does not have the energy to deal with her right now. Or anyone. Or anything. He wishes – that he could've fallen into the void after his brother. That he could stop feeling. That he could just – stop existing.
It's not as if anyone would miss him if he did.
He's fully intent on just walking away but she stalks up to him. "You," she snaps, "You did this deliberately, didn't you?"
"Did... what?" Oh, he can already guess what she's assuming but that doesn't mean he's making the conversation easy for her.
"You killed Thor!" she yells at him.
He did, didn't he? Even if s not as literally as she thinks. He tried to reach him and couldn't. He was too late to save him. And that started because of him. Not that he's going to let a hint of his crushing guilt show in front of her, no matter how dangerously close to breaking his mask is. "You conspired to go to Jotunheim with him a second time. You should have known Mother would intervene to stop him."
"She's not the one who blew up the bifrost with no explanation and I don't believe Thor did either."
That's what she thinks?
That Loki did that on purpose to cover up killing his brother? As though the fact that Thor's gone hasn't gutted him to pieces worse than anything he's ever felt. He might not want to face Thor in the slightest right now but that doesn't mean – anything. But nothing he says is going to convince her otherwise. Nothing he says ever means anything to anyone. "Thor failed to even know how to turn it off. So I – "
Sif's fist slams into his stomach.
It's hard enough to knock his breath out and he stumbles back a step from the force it.
It's hardly the first time one of Thor's friends have hit him. Should've seen that coming.
She hits him across the face before he can try to think of something snippy to say, shoving him to the floor.
He could hit back.
He doesn't.
It's not like he doesn't – deserve this.
"You killed Thor."
Maybe he did.
"You – you conniving, craven, pathetic worm," she seethes, "All this because you've always been jealous of him. None of us need to say anything for the rest of Asgard to realize the truth of what you did. Everyone knows what you are."
She turns on her heel and storms out, leaving him alone.
He should've guessed – of course Asgard's going to blame him for Thor's loss now. As if his brother's loss and everything that came between them isn't already hard enough for him to face.
**w**
And in the end, Sif's not wrong. Loki takes to hiding in the library nearly all the time because he doesn't want to face anyone or anything and all he can think about is how his brother is gone.
He hears the whispers, though.
People do think he was the one behind it. He can't help morbidly wondering how long it'll be before something about that blows up violently.
He doesn't have the energy in himself to care now, though. It feels like a part of him died that day over the Bifrost and it's not coming back.
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