Chapter 10: Tansy
(Sorry for the wait. Or at least that's what I would say if anyone was actually reading this story. Why do I even fucking bother?)
With the owner gone for another few hours, the inside of the Kanker's trailer remained peaceful and quiet. Aside from the argument in the fake courtroom being depicted by the TV that had been left on, there wasn't a single sound to fill the dank air. In the right angles, one could even consider this a decent place to live, this, of course, referring to any angle where one could not see a horrific mess or trash thrown along the floor.
Eight whole hours of peace ended as the Kankers bashed their screen door in with nothing but their three heads combined, their mouths rippling in hyena-like laughter as they rolled into the living room, a ravenous ring of destruction. The terrible trio rolled all over the walls in a frenzy, knocking down the TV and silencing the man requesting his dog back for good. They paid no heed to this destruction of their own property as they unfurled their hellish circle around the coffee table. No longer intertwined with her sisters, Lee swiped the magazines and melted candles from the surface and removed a large rolled up sheet of paper from her back pocket. "Listen up, girls!" She shouted. "It's time to discuss Operation Carrie!"
"Carry?" May asked. "Oh! You mean like a baby!?" She made a motherly gesture of holding her arms as if there was an infant in them.
Marie slapped her sister upside the head. "No, you idiot! She means the name Kerry like that stupid bitch Kerry Macklemyer in my Trig class." Marie seethed as she recalled the way that redhead always insisted on chewing on her pencils. "Oh, how I hate her!"
"You're both wrong!" Lee grabbed both of her sister's heads and bashed them together. Once the stars had faded from their vision, she continued. "This plan is for Nazz Van Fartonschmeer, the hussy that's trying to Juliet her way into your man's Romeo."
"Oh yeah!" Marie said in a moment of clarity, wondering to herself how she could have ever forgotten in the first place. She gritted her teeth as her face reddened with anger. "Oh! I hate her even more!"
"And as for why it's called Operation Carrie," Lee chuckled to herself as she slammed the paper down and unfurled it. Both May and Marie leaned over to see a crude drawing of Nazz with brownish sludge raining down on her from a tilted pail resting on the rafters of the stage she was standing on, her face portraying a look of utter disgust and revulsion.
"What the?" Marie asked, confused as to what exactly she was looking at.
"Oh!" May covered her mouth as she turned green. "Is that...are we gonna cover her in poop?"
Lee's dumbfounded reaction to her sister's stupidity was matched by a cow mooning. Where that cow came from and just what the hell it was doing around the trailer park were questions that would never, ever be solved. Mostly because no one cared enough to try.
"No, you moron!" Lee slammed her fist into May's scalp, forcing her buck teeth into the wood of the coffee table. She grabbed the paper off the table and pointed to the brown sludge. "This isn't poop, genius! It's mop water! And dirt! And any other filthy thing we can find! Get the picture!?"
"Oh!" Marie chimed as the answer became clear to her. "It's a Gross-Out Soup Supreme! I should have known!"
"A Gross-Out Soup Supreme?" May rocked her head back and fourth in an effort to dislodge her teeth. After a few tries, she finally managed to pull them out, some of the wood still stuck to her teeth. "We haven't made one of those since we were in diapers!"
"It's the perfect prank," Lee continued. "When that blondie stands for her ovation, a torrent of nasty is going to rain over her like snow over the Big Apple. Simple yet traumatizing!" Lee and her sisters snickered at the thought of Nazz standing before a roaring crowd, drenched in muck and scum and on the verge of tears. Marie, in particular, considered it a scene straight out of a painting, the kind you could hang in museums.
It would be one of the sister's greatest masterpieces ever. And like most masterpieces, it would have to start from scratch.
"Tomorrow, we all have one mission and one mission only!" Lee bared her yellowed teeth in an evil sneer. "Gather the ingredients for the perfect recipe for revenge!"
Evil laughter sounded from the opening where their screen door used to stand.
From the moment the Kankers set foot in the grounds of Peach Creek Junior High the next day, their minds were on but a single track, collect as much of the gross, the nasty and the putrid to make the soup that night. And as the bell rang and the sisters were separated for the time being, they all exchanged a nod of knowing before departing to their own classes.
...
Lee was in her history class, the words of her teacher entering her right ear and draining out uselessly from her left. Jonny 2x4 was sitting in front of her, arms creating a makeshift pillow as he slept off the class, a river of drool leaking from the corners of his lips. Once Lee witnessed the teacher bend over to help another student, she ducked down and scooched over beneath Jonny's seat. As she expected, there was quite the collection of ABC gum stuck beneath the plastic seat, all sorts of different colors and shapes boiled down to the same wadded and moist textures.
In its own way, it was a thing of beauty.
"Sorry Jonny but don't fret that wide little noggin of yours," Lee whispered as she pulled a dustpan and scraper from her pockets and started harvesting the gum. "This is going to a good cause!"
...
Marie was creating some ABC gum herself as she waited near the girl's bathroom. Usually, when she did this, it was to charge a fee to which unlucky girl needed to use the facilities at the time. Today, however, she simply stood idly by as they entered, only throwing them a nod at the most if they greeted her in anyway. Her backpack was behind her legs.
One girl, a cheerleader from her math class, came out of the bathroom humming to herself and completely ignorant of the toilet paper stuck beneath her shoe.
Now was the moment that Marie had been waiting for. With the most innocent of whistles, she casually stepped on the toilet paper. The cheerleader felt the tug and turned to Marie with a confused "huh?"
"Oh excuse me!" Marie said in her warmest voice. "You had a piece of TP stuck to your shoe so I stepped in."
The cheerleader raised any eyebrow and gasped as she saw the toilet paper. "Oh my gosh! You're right!" She shook the paper free from her shoe. "It would have been, like, totally embarrassing to show up to class with that! Thanks!"
"No problemo!" Marie waved as the cheerleader took off, her warm facade fading the second the girl vanished around the corner. "Sucker!" Marie ripped the toilet paper from her shoe and zipped open her backpack, adding the wad to the growing collection replacing her text books. She snickered darkly as she zipped up the backpack.
...
Ed was giggling. This much was nothing new as the big lug hardly ever needed a real reason to giggle. Sometimes, it was because something funny had happened to one of his friends. Sometimes it was because of the way the grass felt as he rolled around in it. On this day, however, the reason Ed was giggling was because of the tickling sensation May gave him as she poked and prodded his body form any and all forms of filth on the football field.
"Hold still, Big Ed!" May requested from beneath the surgical mask she wore as she wiggled a pair of pliers into Ed's navel. "Your body is a treasure trove for soup ingredients!"
"Soup is my Mom's third favorite dish to make!" Ed proclaimed. "Next to take out and wish sandwiches. Yum!"
"Almost there..." May grunted as she struggled with something caught between her pliers. After a few moments, she won the struggle and pulled out a extra-large and crusty lump of belly button lint for her troubles. Even with the mask, she still needed to cover her nose as she examined the Thing That Should Not Be up close. "Wow Big Ed! This has the be the largest piece of belly lint I ever pulled out of somebody and I've worked on my sisters!" May hovered the pliers over her trash bag and added it to the pile alongside Ed's combed up lice-infested dandruff and and the spare week-old bacon strips he had been saving in his back pocket. "Now hold still," May requested as she turned on an extra-strength flashlight. "Next, we're gonna check your ears!"
"But the corn is out of season! Ed laughed to himself as May shoved the flashlight inside his ears, illuminating the hollow interior of his skull and giving him the visage of a giggling jack-o-lantern.
...
Eddy being asleep in science class was no unique sight, even onto the teachers themselves. Eddy himself had grown quite used to falling asleep upon the first word out of Mr. West's voice and awaking to the sound of the school bell screaming. On this day, however, he awoke to a different sound altogether, that of toenails being clipped. Turning to his right, he bore witness to the unholy sight of Lee Kanker clipping the nails off her bare feet on her desk. Eddy had to stifle himself to keep from crying out in terror.
"Lee? What the heck do you think you're doing?" He whispered. "This is a kid's show for crying out loud! Put those talons away!"
"Relax, short stuff." Lee replied as she cut another nail. "I'm just gathering toenails for a good cause."
"What kind of cause could possibly-
Eddy stopped himself.
"On second thought, I don't wanna know." He turned toward the front of the class where the teacher was busy setting up a short film. As the film went underway and the classroom darkened, Lee leaned toward Eddy. "Psst! Hey, I could use more toenails for this cause. How about a little trim, huh?"
Eddy gagged. "Ugh! No way! I'm not contributing to some messed up cause I don't even know! I don't even donate to actual charity!"
"In that case," Lee took a five dollar bill out of her pocket and handed it to Eddy. "How about a bribe?"
Eddy gasped with his knuckle clenched in his teeth as he eyed the money. Before the movie could even get past the lecture at the beginning between the tired-looking scientist and the annoying brat asking a zillion questions a second, Eddy already had his bare feet laid on Lee's table. "Help yourself sister."
Both Eddy and Lee snickered as the latter started clipping, each for their own reasons.
...
Marie peeked over the corner of the hallway, watching the old janitor with keen interest. The walking fossil shook with every step as he inched toward the bathroom, mumbling to himself as he messed with his keys. After what seemed like hours of fumbling through his key ring, the man finally found the key to the bathroom and unlocked the door. He stepped inside, leaving his mop bucket behind. Marie waited until the door closed and tip-toed toward the mop bucket.
As expected, it was filled with grey soapy mop water.
"Perfect!" Marie reached into her back pocket and pulled out an empty fish bowl which she set down next to the bucket. Then she produced a long straw from her other pocket and stuck it into the water. With a deep breath, she started sucking in the water, fought the urge to gag, and spat it into the bowl. She continued this process about three to four times before a familiar voice spoke from behind.
"Marie?"
Marie shot up from the mop bucket and turned to see Double D studying her with a quizzical and uncomfortable expression. On reflex, she spit out the mop water that was in her mouth which Double D was able to side-step with ease. Once the water was a puddle on the floor, Double D leaned over it. "Good lord, girl! There's no telling what atrocious melting pot of microbes and chemicals was in there!" He turned to her. "Why are you sucking mop water out of the custodian's bucket?"
"I was...well...I was just trying to get in my good deed for the day!" Marie lied.
"Your-Your good deed?"
"That's right! I saw how full the custodian's mop bucket was and figured I'd go an empty it while he's in the can."
Double D's unconvinced gaze gravitated toward fish bowl next to Marie's feet. "With a common fish bowl?"
"Well, what do you want me to do? Carry the water in my hands?" Marie challenged.
Double D brought his finger to his lips as he pondered the situation and Marie had to fight the urge to punch him away from the scene. Just as she was about to lose the battle, she heard another familiar voice call out from behind, one far more shrill and annoying.
"Hey Marie!" May beamed. "Check out the rotten coleslaw I scored from the cafeteria! This soup supreme is going to be our grossest ye-
Marie opened the nearby locker and slammed the door into her sister's face. The stench of rotten coleslaw filled the air as the green sludge oozed down from behind the door.
"Gah!" Double D pulled a clothespin from beneath his hat and stuck it onto his nose. "Marie, are you sure you're alright? Sometimes I worry about you."
Marie blushed. "I-I'm fine!" She got into Double D's face and pointed her finger at him, "What about you? Don't you have to rehearse your stupid play with Nazz or something?"
"Not until later," Double D responded. "Look, Marie, the Principal has requested my help in the office so I can't stick around for any...um...shenanigans. Just, please, if you and your sisters are planning some sort of mischief, please reconsider. Thank you!" With this, Double D sped down the hallway and vanished past the corner. Marie watched as he ran off, completely ignoring the locker door slowly closing by itself, May still smashed against the surface. Once the locker had closed, May slid down to the floor, leaving a trail of putrid green slop on the locker. Whoever owned said locker was going to find a giant green smear waiting for them come next period.
"Please reconsider," Marie whispered in a mocking voice. "What a jerk." She felt a tightness in her chest and a soreness in her throat but no petals were close to coming out yet. Marie swallowed through the pain and bent down to finish pilfering the mop water.
Around this time, May fell backward, her face dazed and one of her buck teeth broken. Stars still danced around her head and her lips and hair were stained with coleslaw. "Wow, Marie, I don't think I ever heard you and Double D argue like that before. You're like an old married couple!"
Marie stared blankly at her sister for a few moments, grabbed the fish bowl, and poured its contents all over her. Once the bowl was empty, Marie set is back down and continued to suck up what remained of the mop water with the straw.
As disgusting as the grey water was on her tongue, it helped to keep the petals at bay.
The screen door, crudely patched up with duct tape and ABC gum, was once again broken into pieces as the Kanker rolled their way into their home. Once again, the three sisters had formed a wheel of terror upon entry into the trailer and rolled over the walls and floor of their living room before finally unfurling at the coffee table. Lee once again shoved everything resting on the coffee table to the floor and laid out her findings, namely the gum collection and toenails. Marie followed suit with the wadded up toilet paper and fish bowl full of mop water and May capped it off with a single dirty tube sock which was filled to the brim with all sorts of filth, mostly from Ed.
"I think we got what we need, girls." Lee chuckled as she reached into her curly orange hair and pulled out a chef's hat. "Let's get cooking!"
The Kankers snickered as they grabbed their "ingredients" and ran to the kitchen. Lee grabbed the cauldron from the sink and placed it on the stove, allowing Marie to start things off by pouring the mop water in. Lee turned on the stove, allowing the water inside to boil and bubble. Once the steam from inside the cauldron reached the ceiling, Lee tossed her gum and toenails inside. Marie followed with her wadded toilet paper, sprinkling them in one at a time while humming a tune. Once that was over, both girls turned to May who stood there absent-mindedly, a dumb look on her face. A quick slap from behind the head brought May back to reality and she laughed evilly as she emptied the tube sock into the cauldron. Once it had nothing left to give, May tossed the tube sock in as well, prompting her sisters to cackle as well as they closed the pot.
After a few minutes, the reopened the cauldron, only to get pushed back by the escaping gas which almost seemed to howl as it flew out. The green mist encompassed the kitchen like a low rain cloud, a phantom of complete and utter filth. Pinching their noses together, the Kanker sisters got up and peeked into the cauldron, admiring the bubbling brown sludge within.
"It smells like roadkill left out in the hot sun 100 times over," May commented.
"You'll never get out any stains made by this baby, that's for sure!" Lee agreed. "Although," She scratched her chin. "I can't help but feel like it's missing a little something."
"It's perfect!" Marie thought. "This will show Fartonschmeer to mess with my man! This will show-"
Marie's thoughts were halted by a sudden lurching in her chest. She could feel something in the back of her throat, something bigger than the petals she was used to. "Huh?" She tried to swallow but whatever was in her throat retaliated by causing her to cough violently. Both Lee and May took notice and rushed to their sister's side.
"You okay, Marie?" May asked.
"I...I ugh..." Marie tasted blood as whatever was in her throat moved forward. With no time to think, Marie gripped the side of the cauldron and coughed out the foreign materials into the "soup". Her entire body spasmed with pain as she coughed and she could feel whatever it was she was coughing up scraping against the lining of her throat. Once it was finally all out, Marie fell backward, only kept from hitting her head by Lee catching it in her hand.
"Marie!" May cried. "Speak to us!"
"Ummm...I ah..." Marie whispered weakly as she waited for her agony to abate. The room seemed to spin as she lay on the floor and, much to her discomfort, she could feel warmth trickle down the side of her mouth. Weakly and with much pain, Marie forced her hand to rub her mouth and brought it over her face. Her eyes widened as she saw thick, dark-red blood covering the side of her palm. The red liquid formed a drop that splashed right into Marie's exposed eye, forcing her to try and blink it away. Lee took a napkin out of her back pocket and wiped Marie's eye clean before moving her arm beneath her armpit. May followed suit and the two girls helped their sister back to her feet. Once the vertigo finally ebbed away, Marie looked back down at the "soup" she had coughed in.
Floating on the surface of the bubbling filth, a stark contrast to the rest of the muck and scum, were a bunch of bloodied yellow flowers. Not petals but full blown flowers peppered in red stains. Some of Marie's blood was floating on the surface as well, intermingling with the brown liquid and making it almost appear like real food. It reminded Marie of the small spots of blood she would often see at the supermarket in the meat section, a grim reminder that the food was obtained with the slaughtering of an animal.
That fact had never bothered Marie up until this moment.
"Gosh, Marie! It looks like you're coughing up full-blown flowers now!" May commented.
"Yeah," Lee agreed. "After we pay back Little Miss Sunburn, we're grilling Double D for answers, blackmail or no blackmail!"
"Yeah!" May nodded as she helped Lee carry Marie to their room. Marie wanted to protest. She wanted to put up a fight but her body remained limp and the soreness in her throat removed her ability for words. Once they had reached their room, Lee and May tossed Marie onto the bed. "You just rest here for a moment, alright?" Lee requested. "May will be back in later with some pain killers."
"I will?" May asked. She was answered with Lee grabbing her by the throat.
"Come on May, we gotta stash the soup before Mom comes home."
Lee quite literally dragged May out of the room, leaving Marie all by herself. She watched the fan over her spin endlessly around, focusing on one panel at a time. She groaned as she rested her hands on her chest. She could feel her heart beating. It seemed...off somehow, maybe slower than it should be. Her body seemed to ache with every thump her heart made against her rib cage. Her throat was still to sore for words and thus, Marie could only retreat to her mind to process what had just happened.
"Whole flowers now, huh? Great, just freaking great! This is all Nazz's fault! That stupid blondie trying to move in on my man!" She smiled. "I'm gonna enjoy watching her squirm in front of the audience. I can just picture it now, that makeup all smeared on her face and her hair all messy and Double D..." Her smile faltered. "Double D probably rushing to her aid like he always does, the big jerk. Just like he always does..." Without meaning to, Marie began to recall all that she and Double D had done over the past few weeks, ever since she caught this strange condition. She recalled the football game, the math test and the hunt for the missing trophy. She remembered how, despite all that she had done in the past, Double D had still done his best to help her and others. It was in his nature to help others, just as it was in Marie's nature to harm them.
"Always going out of his way to set a good example. That's Double D for you. And for what?" Marie mentally asked herself. "It's not like anyone actually appreciates that crap! Since when has that ever worked? Does he really think if he puts on the Goody Two-Shoes act all the time, other people are gonna want to follow suit? Who does he think he's fooling!?"
Marie turned to her side and closed her eyes as he mind once again wandered, this time heading for earlier that day when she bumped into her former victim in the hallway.
Sometimes I worry about you.
Marie opened her eyes as her throat once again became agitated. "What's...wrong with me...dammit..."
"Oh Pyramus, my love!" Nazz read out loud. "It would seem not even death was able to stop our love!"
"Indeed," Double D read back, desperately trying to ignore the intense heat in his face. It was Saturday afternoon and he and Nazz were currently rehearsing their lines within his living room. To say that Double D was nervous would be an understatement. The poor boy felt like he was going to faint any second from being in such close proximity to his blonde co-star. The fact that they happened to be in his house did nothing to lessen the awkwardness that he felt. If anything, it only made him feel dirty, as if he was undergoing some sort of taboo ritual by having a girl over at his house. "And...And now that the Gods have granted us the forms of spirits, nothing can ever keep us apart again!"
"Oh Pyramus, my love!" Nazz shouted as she gripped Double D's hands and pulled him closer to her. "Let our love stain the mulberry trees which we died under and let us never part. Forever and ever!" With this, Nazz puckered her lips and inched closer to Double D's face.
Maybe it was the sheer nervousness he already felt reaching its peak. Maybe it was the flashbacks to all the times Marie had assaulted him with kisses in the past. For whatever reason it was, Double D slipped out of Nazz's grasp, rolled along the floor and crashed right into the wall with his feet in the air. A picture of his parents that happened to be hanging on the wall fell down and shattered upon impact with his face.
"Double D!" Nazz threw down her script and rushed over to him. "Are you, like, alright dude?"
"I...I'm fine." Double D tried to assure Nazz. "I just had a little tumble is all." He tried to sell the idea he was fine with a smile, only for most of his teeth to fall out as a result.
"If you say so," Nazz gripped Double D's shoulders and helped him to his feet. He staggered a bit and almost fell back down upon accidently leaning against her but once he was standing back up, Nazz guided Double D to the couch. "Maybe we should take a break."
"Y-Yes I agree!" Double D nodded. "A-A break sounds good."
Nazz raised an eyebrow. "Dude, are you sure you're okay? I don't think I've ever seen anyone jump like that."
"I-I assure you, I'm fine." Double D repeated. "I just...well...I just..."
"Is it my breath?"
"I beg your pardon?"
Nazz breathed on her palm and smelled it. "I could have sworn I brushed my teeth today."
"Oh no no no! Double D waved his hands feverishly. "Your breath is fine, minty even!" He immediately cursed himself for saying that, his horrible blush intensifying.
Nazz giggled. "Then what is it, Double D? Don't think I haven't noticed how weird you've been acting since I got here."
Double D gulped. With how much of the ditzy blonde routine she put up during the school months, even he sometimes forgot how astute Nazz could really be. Why she bothered putting on the facade of a dumb-blonde cheerleader was anyone's guess. He found himself at a complete loss for words, his fingers tapping on the fabric of the couch and his feet swinging back and fourth as he racked his brain for an explanation under her condemnatory glare.
But much to Double D's surprise, Nazz's expression went from judgmental to saddened before long. "Do...Do you not want me here?"
"Huh?"
"Look, Double D, I don't know what's going on but ever since I showed up...I don't know, it's like you've been on a different planet," Nazz rubbed her arm as she confessed this. "Maybe you just don't like this play...or me...or something..." She got up from the couch and turned toward the door. "Maybe I should just go,"
"Nazz wait!" Without realizing it, Double D grabbed Nazz's arm and pulled it toward the couch. Shocked, the cheerleader turned back to Double D, who even in his flustered and confused state, found himself confessing the simple truth. "A thousand pardons for my rude demeanor, Nazz. It's just, I...I must be honest with you, I'm just not used to people of the female persuasion in the confines of my home."
"A-Are you serious?" Nazz asked. "You've never had a girl over before?"
"Well, one or twice before, strictly for academic purposes," Double D thought back to the history lessons he gave to Marie not too long ago. It dawned on him that those moments weren't nearly as awkward but that could have simply been because of his and Marie's history. Or the fact that it was in fact a history lesson. "But that was...um...under different circumstances.
"Different circumstances, huh?" Nazz raised an eyebrow again, this time in a far more playful and teasing matter, a mischievous smile on her lips.
It didn't take Double D long at all to understand what she was getting at and when it hit him, his head nearly burst from the huge amount of blood vessels that rushed up to it. "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" He screamed in embarrassment.
Nazz couldn't help but giggle. "Dude, relax! I was just teasing!"
"Oh," His dignity gone and his mortification well past its limits, Double D's ears released steam and his entire body deflated until his limp head rested over the side of the couch. "I see." He said weakly
"Look Double D. Believe it or not, I know how scary the other sex can be if you're not used to their company." Nazz continued. "Trust me, I've been there before."
"R-Really," Slowly, Double began to reinflate back to his normal size and shape. "You, of all people?"
"Hey, I was chubby once." Nazz giggled. "The thing is, a lot of the negative things you might imagine other people thinking of you are just you imprinting your own insecurities on them."
Double D's jaw lowered. "Nazz, have you been reading Freud quotes behind everyone's back?"
Nazz giggled again. "The point is, you don't have to be so afraid of people, boy or girl. Just try to relax. After all, we are just rehearsing for a play."
Double D slowly nodded. "Y-Yes! You're right! You're absolutely right, Nazz!" Double D couldn't help but feel elated, excited even to have had someone ease his turbulent emotions and with basic yet sound psychology. This excitement lasted for about five seconds before he remembered just what caused him to panic in the first place. With a groan, he reexamined his script. "While I can understand Mr. Argento's decision to include this original scene of Pyramus and Thisbe reuniting in the afterlife for mass appeal, was it really necessary for him to cap it off with them kissing?"
Yet again, Nazz giggled. "Well what else are they supposed to do? High-five each other?"
Double D scratched his head. "I suppose you have a point, it just seems so...interpersonal a act to have two actors perform on stage you know?"
"Ah come on, Double D!" Nazz handwaved. "Kissing's nothing. I've read in some stage plays, the actors have to go naked!"
Double D blushed. "Y-Yes, I am aware of...those kind of plays."
"And if it's that hard to do," Nazz crawled up to Double D, grabbed his script, and lowered it so that her face and his were only inches apart. "They do say to work on your problem areas first."
Marie sighed as she made her way through the alley toward the Cul-De-Sac. It wasn't the first time she traversed this fenced-in path. In fact, she could recall getting into all sorts of trouble with her sisters between these wooden walls such as the time they almost made Jimmy eat a worm. (At least until that hunk of wood got in the way) But no mischief was on Marie's mind on this day, only a heaviness in her chest and a desire for comfort in her heart.
"What the hell's wrong with me?" Marie thought. "Am I really going to ask Double D for moral advice? I mean, we all know what he would have to say." Making sure no one was around to see, Marie removed the shoe from her right foot and pulled the sock off. She then draped the sock over her scalp and cleared her throat. "Oh Marie, you can't go through with this unwarranted assault on Nazz Von Bartonschmeer. What in Heaven's name did she ever do to you? I urge you, for your own good, please dispose of your, uh, Gross-Out Soup Supreme in a safe and environmentally conscious manner! Thank you!" She spoke all of this with as high-pitched a voice as she could muster.
It dawned on Marie that she actually knew the meaning of all those big words and that scared her.
She quickly redressed her foot and continued her trek toward Double D's house, leaving the confines of the alleyway for the street leading toward the Cul-De-Sac. "Why am I even doing this? It's not like I feel guilty about trying to destroy Nazz! I don't! And yet...something's gnawing on me...something big..." Marie felt her chest tighten ever so slightly and held her hand against it. "My chest has to be filled with those stupid flowers by now but I still don't fell like coughing. Why? Is it because they're too big?" Marie noticed Double D's house up ahead and turned toward it. "Well, whatever it is can wait. I need to figure out just what the hell I'm going to even say to Double D."
She stepped into his yard.
"I mean, do I fess up to what me and the girls are planning? Do I try to dance around the issue somehow. Psst. Yeah right. Like I can even dance."
She walked up to the front door.
"Maybe I don't really want to do this. Maybe I don't actually want to dump Gross-Out Soup Supreme on Nazz anymore. But why? I mean, she's moving in on my man! My Man! And a Kanker's gotta do what a Kanker's gotta do!"
She pointed her finger on the doorbell, a single inch forward from pressing it in.
"But...maybe I'm not thinking like a Kanker anymore. Is that it? Maybe..I'm thinking like...
Marie never finished that thought for as she was processing it, she happened to glance over to the window near the door. She froze up, pulling her finger away from the doorbell and pressed herself against the door. Her heart, despite the flowers in the way, was beating twice as fast now. She found herself gasping for breath as if she had just spent the last 10 minutes beneath the water. Already, her mind was screaming in protest, coming up with a million theories as to what she actually saw. Slowly and with her breath in her throat, she peered over the side of the window and confirmed that none of her theories were true.
Double D and Nazz were kissing on the couch.
Marie ducked away again. Her breath became ragged from both the flowers in her lungs and the sheer shock of what she had just witnessed. Tears welled up in her eyes which she at once tried to wipe away. No matter how many she wiped away with her hands, the tears kept coming. She stifled a sob and upon realizing that there was no way to stop the coming outpour of emotion, Marie dashed from Double D's front porch and back to the safety of the alleyway. As she ran, she could feel the flowers in her chest multiply.
Once she was back between the wooden walls of the alleyway, she frantically searched for a quiet corner far away from the Cul-De-Sac, away from any prying eyes or open ears. She found a spot near the empty construction area, not far from where she had trained Double D for the big game. It was littered with garbage, a half-full soda bottle leaning directly into the corner. Marie didn't care and even if she did, she was out of time. With tears streaming down her face, Marie coughed out the yellow flowers born from her body. As before, large splashes of blood accompanied each and every cough. A few drops landed inside of the soda bottle and trickled down, turning the liquid near the bottom red once it made contact. The bloody flowers fell amongst the trash, ready to share its fate of being forgotten and unwanted. A few more drops of blood spilled onto Marie's shirt, soaking into the black fabric and vanishing entirely.
Once Marie was finished, she fell forward, using her hands to keep herself from hitting the ground. She felt bloodied salvia drip from her half-open mouth and onto her fingers. Tears trailed down her face and joined the blood drops on her hands. Every breath her body took hurt, as if some giant monster was squeezing her ribcage every few seconds. Her throat was beyond sore now, the air leaving her body with each breath agitating the torn flesh lining it.
Marie let herself fall to the side and waited for the pain to ease up. She found herself staring at the flowers she had covered the trash in. The way the sunlight made the blooddrops glisten reminded Marie of some of the surrealist paintings she had seen in Double D's books back when she wasn't living this flower-induced nightmare, back when she and her sisters were in control.
"A bunch of bloody flowers thrown along a pile of garbage in a stinky alleyway." She chuckled quietly. "Yeah. That's definitely the kind of pretentious crap an artsy-fartsy loser would make. Probably say it's an commentary on society or some crap like that." She sniffled as the tears continued.
Marie remained in that spot for several minutes. She didn't sob out loud for fear someone would find her but she did cry, the tears forming a puddle beneath her head. Part of her wanted to stay right here for as long as she could, to rest among the bloody flowers and garbage and just let the world pass her by. But as she laid there, her mind kept thinking back to that awful sight in the house. She tried to keep it out of her head but it simply would not stay away. It replayed itself again and again and again, bringing more tears to Marie's eyes even as she closed them.
And when those tears dried, all that was left was rage.
"I'll show 'em!" Marie hissed as she finally forced her head up. It took a few tries due to the dirt beneath her becoming mud and sticking to her hair but once she pulled it out, it created a hole in which all the fallen tears drained. Marie squeezed the excess mud from her hair, burying the tears once and for all. What little remained on her face, she wiped off with her hand with a final sniffle. She noticed the bottle leaning against the corner again and with a yowl of anger, kicked it up into the air with enough force to send it past the sound barrier. "I'll show the both of them! I may be sick but I'm still a Kanker dammit!" An evil smile formed on her face as she heard the bottle begin to descend toward her. She caught it by the neck right before it could strike her head and held it to her side as she made her way home. "And a Kanker's gotta do what a Kanker's gotta do
...
Lee and May giggled madly as they stirred the Soup Supreme in the new pot it called home. (It had melted a hole in the cauldron.) They had once again spent all day collecting various filth and grossness to add to the boil and with the rotten fish heads May found near the river and the guck Lee had found between her toes in the shower, the "soup" was growing to be more devastating than ever. As Lee set the lid down, May looked around for her missing sister.
"Say Lee..." She looked around one more time. "Where's Marie?"
"How the heck should I know?" Lee asked. "I'm not her babysitter!"
"Well, do you think she's okay?" May asked. "I mean, she did seem rather sick last night."
"I ain't no doctor neither!" Lee protested. Just as she was about to whack May with the wooden spoon she had been using to stir the "soup" when the new front door was smashed into pieces, this time by a single kick courtesy of one Marie Kanker.
"Miss me?" Marie said with a confident glare.
"Not really," Lee confessed in a unimpressed tone.
"Where have you been all day, Marie?" May asked. "We were just about to go looking for you!"
"Speak for yourself!" Lee whacked May with the spoon as Marie made her way to the kitchen. She removed the lid from the pot and poured the contents of the bottle she had brought with her. Both Lee and May watched with keen interest at the red liquid spilling into the unholy broth.
"What's you got there?" Lee asked. "Looks a little like...
"It...it couldn't be..." May choked.
Marie snickered to herself. "Trade secret I'm afraid." Marie tossed the bottle away, the sound of it smashing against the wall of the living completely ignored by the three sisters. "The ultimate ingredient in the recipe for revenge!" Marie paused to spit into the broth before breaking out in a insane bout of laughter. Lee and May exchanged a glance with each other before smiling, spitting into the brew themselves and joining Marie in her mad cackling.
Now reddened by Marie's blood, the broth began to bubble uncontrollable as if feeding off of her emotional turmoil.
It was Friday night of the following week, the night of Mr. Argento's long-awaited play. Well, long awaited by Double D and Nazz anyway. The two co-stars were walking down the hallway, Nazz still clad in her cheerleader outfit from practice earlier.
"Dude, I'm, like, so psyched for the play tonight! Aren't you?"
"Indeed, I am." Double D agreed, surprised with himself just how at ease he felt despite what should be a great stress-trigger for him looming over him like a shadow. "Mother and Father have even found time out of their busy schedules to come see me tonight!"
"Awesome! My Mom's, like, totally gonna be there as well!" Nazz giggled happily to herself. "So," She playfully tapped Double D on his back. "Think you got enough practice in, Pryamus?"
Double D winced a little from Nazz's love-tap. If it weren't for the rigorous training Marie had put him through a few weeks ago, he was certain he would have been knocked to the floor. He took a moment to glare at Nazz and then replied as he dusted himself off. "I am quite confident in my ability to perform tonight. What I'm more concerned that your acting might hold me back, Thisbe." He smirked as he said this.
Nazz stared at him like he had just announced his plan to conquer the country of France. Then she started to giggle again. "Double D, you jerk!" With a playful laugh, she shoved Double D into the nearby locker with enough force to make him cave it in.
Guess he needed more training after all.
"Nazz!" A fellow cheerleader called from the other hallway. "Over here!"
"Be there in a sec!" Nazz giggled as she skipped happily to Double D. "Well, I'll like, see you at the play dude! Ok?" Without waiting for Double D to reply or even helping him out of the damaged locker, she went to join her friend in the other hallway.
"See...you..." Double D chocked out as he peeled out the locker. No sooner had he made contact with the floor that the dented door of the locker dislodged from its metal confines and started to fall as well. Double D noticed the shadow looming over him and with a loud. "OH DEAR!" he rolled out of the way in time. The thud from the locker shook the entire hallway and made it that much more difficult for Double D to stand back up. He once again dusted himself off with a huff, muttering "Messy, messy, messy" to himself. Once he was satisfied, he continued toward the main doors, his full intention being to get home and grab his script for last-minute studying. Ironically enough, to get to the nearest exit, he would have to go through the hallway where the entrance to the auditorium lay. As he turned the corner into the hallway, however, he noticed a familiar face standing next to that very entrance.
"Marie?"
The blue-haired Kanker turned to Double D with a look of quiet surprise on her face. "Double D!" Her eyes went wide as if she caught herself doing something she shouldn't. With a thin line of red appearing on her face, Marie lowered her gaze from Double D's. "W-What do you want?"
"I..uh...was actually just on my way home to pick up my script," Double D answered as he approached Marie. "Today is the day of the play, you know?"
"So I have heard," Marie crossed her arms.
"Marie, are you feeling alright?" Double D asked. "You seem a little...dismissive today."
"I'm fine, alright." Marie said in a stern voice. "Just...didn't get enough sleep last night."
"Oh dear," Double D replied. "Surely, its not because of the...um...flowers, is it..."
Marie's blush grew hotter. "N-No. Nothing like that. M-My sisters and I just stayed up watching a bad movie marathon is all."
Double D shook his head. "Sounds like something Ed would do," Double D reached inside his hat and fumbled around for something. "In any case, I'm actually glad to have bumped into you before the play, Marie. There's something I wanted to give you."
"What? Invitations to your wedding to Nazz?" Marie thought grimly.
After a few more seconds of digging, Double D pulled it out. "There we go!" He handed the object to Marie who slowly took it in her palm before bothering to look at it.
"So what is...it..." Marie's eyes grew wide in surprise as she stared at the frozen scorpion in her palm. Grey back, yellow legs and jet-black stinger, all frozen in a small glass-like container. "...a scorpion."
"A deathstalker scorpion to be exact!" Double D mentioned with elation in his voice. "I remembered how you admired my collection of preserved arthropods as well as the fact that I never properly thanked you for your help in preparing me for the big game so I took the liberty of ordering this one for you. I must apologize for its late arrival. Such is the perils of the world of postage I'm afraid."
Marie looked over the scorpion in awe. "Deathstalker? Are they really called that?"
"Yes indeed!" Double D answered. "Quite an in-your-face name, I know, but quite fitting, given that it's one of the most venomous species of scorpion in the world! Seeing as how most of your interest in my collection was geared toward the specimens with the more fearsome reputation among the human consciousness, I figured you would prefer this over, say, a swallowtail butterfly."
"Double D," Marie whispered as she continued to admire the frozen scorpion. "I...I don't know what to say...T-Thank you..."
Double D shook his head. "No thank yous are necessary. Now, if you'll excuse me, I can hear a script calling my name from back home!" And with that, Double D ran past Marie and out the doors at the end of the hallway, leaving the blue-haired Kanker alone with her new prize.
"Double D," Marie repeated as she took one last glance at the scorpion. Her chest once again became heavy with flowers and she could already taste blood in the back of her tongue. With a heavy sigh, she placed the scorpion safely inside her pocket.
"Shit!"
Before Marie could dwell on her sudden confliction any longer, the doors Double D had walked out of just moments before flew open as Lee and May rode through with a wheelbarrow. Inside the rusty gardening vehicle was the pot of Gross-Out Soup Supreme covered by a trash bag.
"What the heck took you guys so long?" Marie asked as her sisters grinded to a halt in front of her.
"Hey, we had to wait for everyone and their Grandma to get lost," Lee answered as she let May take full reign of the wheelbarrow. "Besides, you know what Mom always says. You can't rush perfection!"
"So is the coast clear, Marie?" May asked.
"Yeah," Marie took out the keys she had swiped from the custodian the day before and unlocked the doors to the auditorium. "No one's been in here since the props got dropped off. But we'll have to move fast. The theater kids are supposed to show up within the hour to get things ready."
"Than let's get a move on already!" Lee shouted as she slapped May right on the butt the way a cowboy might strike his horse to send it running. And just like that horse, May neighed in excitement (and pain) and rushed inside the auditorium, nearly knocking Marie down in the process.
"Hey! Watch it!" Marie shouted as she sat back up, her hair in disarray. She tried to fix it, only for Lee to walk up to her, scoop her up and toss her over her shoulder. "What the hell, Lee! Let go!"
"Hush!" Lee demanded as she patted Marie's back and entered the auditorium "Fussy babies don't get to watch."
May managed to bring the wheelbarrow to a halt mere inches from the stage. As she stopped, a bit of the brown liquid concealed within the rusted pot fell onto the wheelbarrow, sizzling and smoking as it stained the metal. May stared at it in awe until Lee came up from behind and stuck her fingers into her nostrils, pulling her back.
Lee led both of her sisters to the stage where she threw Marie down to the floor. With a single shove, she tossed a screaming May upward toward the rafters. The bucktooth blonde smashed into the roof of the building which she stuck to for a few seconds before peeling off and landing on one of the rafters.
Seeing stars, Marie groaned as she sat up once again. "What...Whoa!" Marie barely dodged as the pot of "soup" landed right where she was, more droplets on the unnatural liquid spilling onto the stage and burning holes in the wood. "What the hell, Lee!? You could have killed me!"
"Promises, promises." Lee muttered as she walked back on the stage with a large rope in her hands. She tossed the rope upward toward May who was just watching the last of the stars fade from her vision. The rope struck her right on the chin, granting her a whole new batch of stars to stare at as it fell back to the ground near Marie. The blue-haired Kanker noticed the noose at the end of the rope and understood Lee's game at once. She lifted the pot of "soup", careful not to get any on her hands, and lifted it into the noose which she then pulled up to the middle of the pot. She patted it a few times in order to ensure it was secure enough to lift and once she was confident that this was the case, she flashed Lee an uneasy thumbs."
Lee chuckled as she started pulling on the rope, lifting the pot higher and higher until it reached May. The bucktooth blonde was just recovering from her second wave of disorientation when she noticed the pot next to her.
"We leave the rest to you, May!" Lee laughed.
"Yes, Ma'am!" May saluted her sister with her tongue out before pulling the pot closer to her.
Marie walked up to Lee as both sisters watched May set the pot in place. Now that the chaos of setting up the prank was over, Marie had time to consider what had just happened before. Namely, the frozen scorpion that Double D gifted her and the second thoughts it was giving her.
"Say Lee..." She trailed off, unsure of how to continue.
"What Marie?" Lee asked with impatience in her voice.
"Well...It's just...are we really sure we're doing the right thing?"
"Huh?" Lee turned to Marie. "What the heck are you talking about?"
"Well, it's just...I mean we went through all this trouble to make this Gross-Out Soup Supreme and...I dunno, it just seems like kind of a waste to use it up on someone like Nazz von Fartonschmeer."
Lee raised her bangs with her finger so she could more clearly glare at her sister. "Well who'd else would we use this on, genius?"
"Look, all I'm saying is this might not be worth it, you know?" Marie asked.
"No, I don't." Lee shoved her finger into Marie's chest. "You having second thoughts or something?" Lee asked.
Marie flushed. "W-W-What!? N-No! Of course not!" I just-
Lee grabbed her sister by her throat and pulled her close so they were quite literally eye to eye. "Look, Marie! We've come this far already so its too late to back out now! Besides, don't you want revenge on that dweeb and his little pet homewrecker?"
"I mean...maybe they were just practicing or something," Marie suggested. "Wait a minute...what do you mean dweeb? I thought we we're only going to prank Nazz!"
Lee paused for a moment than burst into laughter as she dropped Marie to the floor! "Oh you poor naive child! Where ever did you get that idea!?" She pointed toward the pot May was nearly finished fixing to place. "There's enough Soup Supreme to douse the entire theater class if we needed to! And we're gonna pull it right when those two heartbreakers give their cute little bows to the audience!" Lee chuckled. "Oh, it'll be perfect!"
"No...No!" Marie protested. "I only wanted to make Nazz pay! Not Double D! Besides, what about the blackmail! Or did you forget about the tapes?"
Lee's laughter increased in volume. "Oh...Oh you mean the tapes that don't exist!?"
"What?"
"May squeezed the truth out of her big dumb boyfriend when she was frisking him for ingredients." She explained as she once again pointed to her sister.
"Hey! Don't talk about my Big Ed like that!" May scolded before turning to Marie. "But yeah, Ed explained everything! They only have six tapes between the three of of them and Ed already told me where he kept his."
Marie couldn't believe what she was saying. "And...the satellite?"
"It can only broadcast as far as Peach Creek!" May laughed.
"And after we baptize Double Doublecrosser and his side-chick in filth, we'll hunt down that satellite and blast it out of the air!" Lee snickered. "We can worry about the rest of the tapes later!"
"But...what if they..."
Lee shoved her face into Marie's. "Oh come now! You really think that dweeb will have the stones to activate it after tonight!? He'll be too embarrassed to so much as show his face in public! And I'm confident neither of his friends have the codes either." Lee's laughter reached the rafters as she turned to the empty seats where the audience would be sitting later tonight. "We're officially back girls!"
May cheered from the rafters and joined Lee in her mocking laughter, all while Marie watched in horror.
"No way...Double D lied...about the satellite...about the tapes...did he lie about Nazz too...but then..." Marie reached into her pocket and took out the scorpion Double D had gifted her earlier. "But...then why...why..."
Marie mentally short-circuited, steam and sparks jumping out from her skull.
Lee noticed her sister's breakdown and once again picked her up, tucking her beneath her arm as if she were a bunch of window blinds. "Okay, I see some tomato-flavored ice cream in an order." With this, Lee tossed her stupefied sister into the wheelbarrow and ran off with it.
"Tomato ice cream?" May repeated as she capped off her role in the prank by removing the trash bag, allowing the stench to float over to the vents above. "Wait for me, girls!" May tried to get down gently, only to lose her grip and fall to the stage with a thud.
"And now that the Gods have granted us the forms of spirits, nothing can ever keep us apart again!" Double D declared as he read from the script, holding his finger up in the air. Almost as soon as he did so, a fierce blush crept onto his face. "No. Far too hammy." He tapped his chin for a moment and then cleared his throat. "And now that the Gods have granted us the forms of spirits, nothing can ever keep us apart again!" Double D repeated with a gentler tone. "Hmm...yes...that works far better, I must admit." He cleared his throat again and was about to repeat the line when he heard a knock on his dressing room door. "Oh dear! A visitor? So close to showtime?"
Placing the script on his mirror, he approached the door and opened it to reveal none other than Marie standing there, her left hand clasped tightly around her right arm. Her gaze was downcast, much like it was the last time he had seen her. "Marie?"
"Hey...Double D," She picked her head up. "Hey, listen I...wow."
It was only then that Marie noticed the elegant toga on Double D's body. He still wore his signature hat, of course, but it bore the added addition of a golden crown shaped like olive branches.
"Umm...nice dress," Marie teased as she turned away in a attempt to hide her reddening face.
Double D blushed as well as his arms moved over himself. "Yes well...laugh all you want but I've worn much worse for the sake of Eddy's ill-conceived scams. And before you ask, I can assure you that I am indeed wearing undergarments beneath this toga."
"Good to know," Marie snickered. Her snickering sputtered and stopped as she recalled why she was there in the first place. "Anyway, listen...I..."
"Yes?" Double D asked.
"Well...I...I just...I..." Despite her best efforts, Marie just couldn't make her mouth speak the words of warning she wanted to convey to Double D. And while her mouth remained paralyzed past every first syllable, her mind was racing with doubt.
"And just what the hell are you gonna say to him!? Oh excuse me Double D, but me and my sisters were going to dump a bunch of filthy sludge on that bitch Nazz because she's been getting too fresh with you but now I'm realizing you'll be caught in the fallout as well and even though I caught you and that bitch kissing from your window when I dropped in on Saturday, I still don't want you to get hurt, just Nazz, so maybe skip the play or something?
Marie's lungs felt as if they were made out of lead. She could taste blood in her mouth even without the flowers coming out.
"M...Marie?" Double D waved his hand in front of her glazed stare and winced as she made no effort to follow it "Are you alright?"
"I...just...uh...well..."
Double D groaned as he looked over to the clock hanging over the mirror in his room. There was only five precious minutes to get to the stage in time and as worried as he was about Marie's apparent mental funk, he couldn't wait for her to snap out of it. With a reluctant sigh, he gently picked her up by the shoulders and placed her away from the doorway. "My sincerest apologizes, Marie but I really mustn't be late! You understand!" He started walking down the hallway toward the stage. "I'll send someone to take you over to the nurse!" He called back.
"No! What are you doing, you idiot! You're letting him get away!" Do something!"
"Double D..." Marie whispered as she turned to the leaving actor. "I...stop...wait...I...W-WATCH OUT FOR THE SKY!"
Double D stopped with one foot lifted in front of him. Slowly, he turned to Marie, a most dumbfounded look on his face. "I'm sorry?"
"Just...Just keep an eye out for the sky!" Marie repeated, her face glowing a light shade of pink. "It...It's an old Kanker way of saying break a leg." She laughed nervously with a swing of her arm. "But seriously, watch out for the sky." The blue-haired Kanker fled down the hall, vanishing into the shadows as Double D watched on. She had some flowers that needed purging.
"O...k..." Double D took a second to process what had occurred in the last minute before continuing on his way to the stage.
The many voices of the audience could easily be mistaken for the low, impatient growls of a waiting animal. The soft murmuring and chattering only grew as more people entered through the doorways and claimed a maroon-felt seat for themselves. Near the back of this great gathering sat the Kanker sisters, the seats before them and beside them doomed to remain completely empty for the duration of the play. The wicked sisters, of course, took great delight in this as it meant less noise and more room for the copious amount of provisions they had pilfered from the snack bar. May was already halfway through her bucket of popcorn while Lee bit a stick of beef jerky in half. Marie, however, simply sat in the middle, her expression one of total misery and emotional turmoil. In her hands was a box of sour sugar-coated candy belts and under normal circumstances, she would have already devoured four entire cases of the stuff.
But on this day, with her lips curved up and down like Charlie Brown's iconic frown, only a single piece of candy hung from her mouth. Between her half-assed warning to Double D and the flowers she coughed up in the bathroom before the play taking some of her lungs with them, she didn't have much of an appetite.
It was Lee who noticed this change in her sister's behavior. "Hey, Marie? What's with ya? I thought you liked sour candy belts."
"Huh?" As Marie opened her mouth to say this, that single piece of candy belt fell out of her mouth and back into the case. "Oh uh! I...You know what, I'm just not feeling very hungry today." With a sheepish grin, she offered the box to Lee. "Want one?"
Lee rubbed her chin. "Marie sharing? There's definitely something wrong with this picture." Lee smiled as she reached inside the box and pulled out a extra long candy belt. "But hey, they do say not to look a gift horse in the mouth!" Chuckling to herself, Lee took another stick of beef jerky, wrapped the candy belt around it and chomped down with a line of drool leaking from her mouth.
It was then that her attention was stolen by a entire stack of snacks approaching them from the left. They could hear a familiar voice behind this walking tower of junk food, two of them in fact.
"Beep beep! Pardon me miss! Right of way!"
"Just hurry up and pick a seat, you moron! We're gonna miss the show!"
"Psst! Hey girls! Watch this." Lee stuck her foot out right as Ed walked by, tripping the lovable oaf and sending more than half of the food he was carrying to fall into the audience." Groans and shouts dominated the already noisy landscape as Lee howled in laughter. Marie just chuckled awkwardly and May's head was stuck in the popcorn bucket. "You should watch where you're going, big guy!" Lee teased.
"Gesundheit," Ed spoke just before Edd stomped on his back in anger. "Ed, you idiot! We spent all the money we made from that Garbageman scam on those snacks!" Eddy growled as she added "No thanks to that Double-Traitor!"
"Aww! Did little Eddy-Weddy spill his snacky-whackies? Lee pulled out some soda pop from her pocket and shook it with all her might. "How about some pop!?" Lee asked as she twisted the cap off and shoved the now-open bottle into Eddy's mouth. The shaken soda wasted no time filling Eddy's insides, ballooning his body to twice its size. Once the last of the soda was drained from the bottle, Lee pulled it away and watched as Eddy was sent flying over the audience, screaming for his mother as he bounced around the rafters and ceiling. After a few seconds, the last of the soda left his body and he drifted like a dead leaf to the empty seat next to Lee who removed the boxes of candy she had been keeping there. Once Eddy was in the seat, he slumped down, stars around his head and his body shriveled up.
"Mom always said too much soda was bad for ya." Lee snickered in Eddy's ear as Ed crawled into the seat next to him, a popcorn bucket with more butter than popcorn in his hands. He reached inside and shoved a handful into his mouth as the curtains concealing the stage finally opened.
It was dark on stage, with only the silhouettes of the two leads visible thanks to a background light. There seemed to be something between them that they were leaning against, their heads bowed as if in prayer. Without warning, one of the stage lights finally turned on, not to reveal the actors but to show off Mr. Argento wearing an elegant toga. A off-stage fan blew against it, moving the white fabric in a flowing motion and allowing the audience to see much of his legs and arms, regardless of whether they wanted to or not.
"Far out, Mr. Argento!" Jonny shouted.
"Jeepers creepers!" Jimmy cried as he covered his eyes, his face as green as the trees near the park. "My eyes!"
"Glagh!" Sarah responded with.
"I'm gonna heave!" Kevin complained.
"Behold!" Mr. Argento shouted, silencing the hecklers at once. "For the tale you are about to bear witness to is a tale as old of time. Before Jack and Rose, before Harry and Sally, before whatever the hell was going on between Eric Bana and Rachel McAdams in that trainwreck," Mr. Argento shook his head. "Before even Romeo and Juliet, there was another, even greater tale of doomed love and tonight, I bring it to life for you! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, The Tragic Tale of Pryamus and Thisbe!" Argento bowed as he walked backward off the stage from the spotlight which traveled up to the wall separating Double D and Nazz. It shut off and a few seconds afterward, was replaced by two smaller spotlights, each showing off the main actors in all their Greek-clad glory. They turned and raised a hand in greeting to the audience, Nazz as ecstatic as ever and Double D fighting a terrible blush.
"Nice dress, dork!" Kevin shouted in laughter, joined by a few of his football buddies. This mocking laughter would be short-lived however as he immediately knocked from his seat by a can of soda pelted right at the back of his head.
A soda can thrown by none other than Marie Kanker.
Eddy burst into laughter as Kevin picked himself up. "Nice shot, Marie!"
Kevin growled as he spotted Eddy and Marie and picked up the trembling soda can in an effort to throw it back to them. "Why you-
Unfortunately for him, the soda's tab popped off from the pressure and, while still holding on to the can, Kevin was sent flying toward the rafters by the blasting soda. "THHHHIIISSS ISSSSS STTTTUUUUPPPPIIIID! He cried as he broke through the ceiling and into the night sky, leaving behind a hole shaped like himself.
The Eds and the Kankers roared in laughter at the sight before them as Double D and Nazz mentally collected themselves for the play.
"Groan. Just once I wish this school could host a play without some low-brow cartoon shenanigans coming into play as well." Double D's gaze shifted toward his friends and the Kanker sisters and he smiled upon seeing Marie there. "It would seem Marie has bounced back from her apparent malady, regarding of course, her behavior back in the hallway." Double D recalled the words that Marie had spoken off and looked up to the rafters. "Watch out for the sky, huh? Can't really say I see anything aside from the Kevin-shaped hole in the ceiling and that bucket someone carelessly left sitting on the rafters." Double D scoffed. "And here I thought the theater kids were renowned for their thoroughness. Why someone oughta-
"Come on, Double D!" Nazz whispered as she slightly tapped her co-star on the shoulder. "We got, like a play to perform in."
Double D quietly gasped as she realized he was indeed in front of a waiting audience, another terrible blush creeping on his face. "R-Right." He gulped as he shook his head and grabbed the wall. Nazz giggled and did the same, both of the leads once again looking down with solum expressions on their faces.
"Our tale begins in ancient and forgotten Babylon!" Mr. Argento narrated from off-stage. "In two houses quite literally joined at the hip! The families of these two houses are locked in bitter rivalry. Where did such bitterness blossom, no one knows for sure but even between the fiercest of enemies, true love can bloom, such as the case with our two heroes of the story, Pyramus and Thisbe!"
Double D looked over to the audience and toward Marie one last time, took a deep breath, and began the play with his first line.
For the next half-hour, the auditorium was silent save for Double D and Nazz's dialogue as it bounced off the speakers surrounding the stage. Almost everyone in the audience, even those with no prior interest or experience in plays, found themselves entranced by the performance the two actors gave, letting themselves sink into the story as it unfolded before them. What few exceptions to this reaction were either asleep (Eddy), more focused on stuffing their faces, (Ed) busy in the restroom, (Rolf boiling chicken in the toilet for some reason) laying out on the school yard in a daze, (Kevin) or were waiting for the play to reach its final act as the Kanker Sisters were doing. Even several minutes before they could make a move, Lee and May were giggling like naughty school children that were waiting for the teacher to sit on a tack they placed on her chair. (They should know, they did that just this morning) but Marie was waiting in anxiety.
"I cannot wait to tell Pyramus of my wild encounter," Nazz spoke as she returned to the stage. "That ferocious lioness gave me quite a fright!"
From off stage, the lioness smoked her last cigarette, her mascot head tucked beneath her arms.
Nazz wandered back into the spotlight, only to gasp in horror as she saw Double D's body leaned against a plastic sword, a detachable tip stuck to his back with a red sticky pad. She screamed as loud and as mournfully as she could muster which served to shock quite a few members of the audience, including the now-awake Eddy.
"What!? Who what where why?" Eddy looked around rapidly before recalling his bearings and sinking back into his seat. "Man, I hate plays."
"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, Eddy." Ed mentioned through a mouthful of chips.
Eddy stared at him for a moment. "Wasn't that my line once?"
"What?" Ed asked.
"Never mind."
"Oh what cruel fate is this!?" Nazz cried out as she fell to her knees besides Double D a little harder then intended. "Ow. M-My dearest Pyramus has fallen on his sword! But why, why would he destroy himself like this, so close to the dawn of our love!?" She then noticed the red-dyed cloak she had been wearing during the lioness scene and grabbed it close, pressing it against her cheek as theater tears streamed down her face. "Oh no! Could it be that, in mistaking my discarded cloak for the remnants of my grisly murder, Pyramus decided to join me in the afterlife!?"
"Seriously, who writes this stuff?" Eddy commented in a disinterested voice.
"It's time, girls." Lee whispered as she got up from her seat and stretched. "Yawn! Well, I think its time to hit the sack."
"Is that hair growing out of your eyes?" Eddy asked. "The play isn't even over yet!"
"We spent more time than not here, didn't we?" Lee challenged. "Besides, our little friend isn't participating in it."
Eddy growled as he realized what Lee was getting at. With Double D in the lead role, he was stuck there until the very end.
"See you around, Eddy." Lee patted her former victim's head a little too hard for comfort and led her sisters out into the hall. "Okay, so here's the plan! We're going to sneak back into the auditorium through the back and make our way to the rope holding our little surprise," Lee pointed at Marie. "Marie, since this is your man, you get to pull the rope that sends the Soup Supreme raining down on those losers."
Marie cringed as she heard this. Her chest felt heavier than ever and she found it difficult to breathe, let alone speak. "A-Actually, I think maybe you should take this one, Lee."
Both Lee and May looked dumbfounded. "Say what?"
"W-What I mean is, i-it's your idea, Lee so you should be the one to pull it. Besides, i-it'll look more suspicious if I'm gone when they soup hits so this way, it'll...be more conspicuous!" Marie could only hope she was using that word right.
Lee and May stared blanky at their sister for a few moments, exchanged those same curious gazes with each other and smiled. "Excellent point, Marie!" She extended her hand and patted her sister on the shoulder. "You just head back to the auditorium and enjoy the fireworks. Let's go, May!"
"Right!" May patted her sister on the shoulder as well. "Take care, Marie. And don't worry, your sisters are on the case!" Both Kankers cackled like hyenas as they rushed down the hall toward the exit door.
"Yeah...that's what I'm afraid of." Marie groaned as she rubbed her arm. "Shit. I gotta warn Double D somehow." She turned back toward the auditorium only to cough up a bloody wad of saliva. She was able to catch it in her hand and as she stared at the wobbly red blob resting on her palm, she felt her heart drop. "Dammit! Not now!" Marie squeezed the wad angrily as she realized the flowers inside her chest were ready to come out. Of course they would choose the worst possible moment.
With a silent prayer that she would make it back to the auditorium before her sisters got in place, Marie rushed to the nearby bathrooms. She yanked on the door to the girl's room, only to find that it was locked. Her hand over her bloody mouth, she looked up to see that an OUT OF ORDER sign was taped to the door.
"Dammit!"
She noticed the Men's restroom had no such sign and smashed through that door. She paused only for a moment to make sure that no one else was in the restroom with her. Content with the fact that she couldn't see anyone near the urinals or feet behind the stalls, she rushed for the last one in the row and slammed the door shut. She coughed again as she locked the door and opened the thankfully empty toilet. Unable to hold them back any longer, Marie coughed out the flowers in a horrid and agonizing torrent. The clear toilet water turned red as the bloody flowers landed on the surface. One flower landed on the inner rim of the toilet bowl, leaving a red streak as it slid down into the water. Another one fell to the side and onto the bathroom floor, staining a discarded piece of toilet paper. Tears streamed down Marie's face as pain racked her body. She was almost certain she was going to expel her lungs this time and considering what was waiting on the horizon, she almost welcomed it.
When the last flower tumbled out of her mouth, Marie remained leaning over the toilet, her disoriented mind mistaking a line of red saliva for another flower. Once she realized it was over, she groaned as she turned against the toilet bowl, sniffling as she gripped her hair, dyeing the blue strands red. Her chest ached as it heaved up and down and her throat felt as if it had been ripped to hell from the inside. Marie started to cry from the pain, only to remember what she needed to do.
"Fuck."
Marie forced herself away from the toilet bowl and turned back around. She noticed the flower sitting on the side and grabbed it, a square of toilet paper stuck to it. She dropped it into the toilet as used the rim to prop herself up as she staggered to her feet. She shuffled closer to the toilet and pressed down on the lever, sending the bloody flowers on a one-way trip to Sewerville. She waited until all traces of blood and petals were gone and staggered to the sinks near the door. She washed out her mouth, face and hair and looked at herself in the mirror. Her skin was pale and her eyes had circles around them. It would be obvious to anyone that saw her that she was sick but at least now, they wouldn't be able to tell exactly why.
With another groan of pain, Marie left the bathroom, completely unaware of Rolf peeking out from the inside of his stall, his feet resting on boiled chicken. Curious, he turned his attention toward the stall she had just used...
Marie doddered through the auditorium doors, hoping that the darkness of the room would conceal enough of her messy visage. She looked ahead to the stage and saw that Double D and Nazz were in the midst of the final act of their play, both covered in flour to simulate being ethereal spirits. There was no sign of Marie's sisters but she knew that wouldn't be the case for much longer. She spotted Eddy and Ed on the last row, both of them gorging themselves on what remained of the snacks. She staggered toward them, nearly tripping over the seats as she smashed against them. "Gah!" She collected herself at once with a headshake. "Eddy! Ed!"
"Huh?" Eddy looked up from the peanut in his hand.
"Hi Marie!" Ed greeted before taking another bite out of his giant sub. Just how he got that out of the snack bar was a question for the ages.
"Listen, there's no time." Marie wheezed. "We...We gotta get Double D off the stage now!"
"Slow down, Caitriona Balfe." Eddy said as he tossed the peanut into his mouth. "The stupid play's almost over."
"Yeah!" Ed agreed. "Pyramus and Thisbe have become ghost and now will team up to hunt down other ghost as the Grim Reaper!"
"Wrong story, Ed." Eddy said as he tried to pop another peanut into his mouth, only for Marie to catch it in her hand and toss it away. This action caused her entire arm to ache but at least she had the boy's attention.
"This is serious!" She choked. "Double D's about to get the worst kind of shower in front of everyone!"
"Shower!?" Ed cried out in fear.
"What the heck is that supposed to mean?" Eddy inquired.
"Look, I don't have time to explain!" Marie screamed despite her aching throat. "We just have to get him off the stage before-oh crap!"
Marie happened to be looking at the stage as she was speaking and much to her horror, both Double D and Nazz were preparing to take their final bows. "Double D! Get off the stage!"
"Hey, what's your damage?" Edd asked.
"Just help me, you garden gnome!" Marie screeched.
Afraid and confused, Eddy finally decided to comply. "Uh...H-Hey sockhead! Get off the stage!"
"The shower is coming for you, Double D!" Ed screamed in genuine terror, dropping his sandwich in the process. "Run away!"
While the three of them were too far away for Double D to actually hear them, he was able to notice their frantic and wild jumping if only due to the groans and commands from the audience to keep it down. "Marie...Ed and Eddy..." Double D whispered to himself. "What in Sam's hill is going on with them?"
"Double D! Double D!" Marie screamed. "Watch out for the sky!"
"That phase again?" Double D asked himself. "What reason could she possibly have to be saying such a thing?" Curious, Double D looked up toward the rafters again and as with the last time, all he could find out of the ordinary was the pot above him and Nazz.
The bucket that seemed to be moving on its own.
Double D's eyes widened as he noticed the rope connected to the metal container leading through the rafters and down toward the side of the stage where a snickering Lee and May waited. As soon as they were spotted, May waved to Double D as Lee let go of the rope holding the pot back. Double D realized at once what was going on as he looked back up and the falling pot and, with no other recourse available, he turned to Nazz.
"Look out Nazz!" He shouted as he shoved her off the stage.
"What the heck duuuuuude!? " Nazz screamed as she fell over the stage and into the arms of the confused and frightened audience members.
The pot stopped its descent about halfway toward Double D, dumping its horrid contents in the process.
"Double D!" Marie screamed.
But it was too late. The grotesque mixture of mop water, nail trimmings, blood, flowers and all matter of grossness spilled over the hapless Double D like a waterfall as the audience watched on. Among them was Mr. Argento who only had one response as he watched his rendition of Pyramus and Thisbe end in a cascade of utter filth.
"PPPPEEERRRCCCCCHHHHEEEE!?"
(Four chapters left)