Erin wakes up, and a sudden sense of realization comes upon her. For just a split second, she forgot, she was in a momentary realm of peace where a part of her just naturally thought Emma was sleeping in the bassinet, and if not there then the nursery until the look on Jay's face as he stands under the threshold of her bedroom door reminds her. Emma's gone. And she stupidly fell asleep and had been out for god knows how long. How could she fall asleep when her baby is still out there? Upon the thought, Erin turns over onto her side and dry heaves. She's shaking, partly from fear and partly from anger, anger at herself for stupidly falling asleep.
"How long have I been out?"
"...not long, just a few hours," he says.
She rolls back over and cradles her head with both hands. He moved towards the bed, bringing his hand to rub against the back of her neck, "I'll be fine," she swatted his hand away, "Is there any update? Any word on Emma? Abby? Are we any closer to finding her?"
"We're searching every traffic cam, surveillance cam, we're running license plates, we have her face on social media and news stations, we're tracing all her cards, she's not getting far."
"So that's a no," her eyes are sunken, dry with dark rims surrounding them, obviously showing that even though she managed to get a few hours of sleep, it didn't do much, the only cure for how she's feeling is to have her baby back in her arms, "You shouldn't have let me fall asleep,"
"You needed it. There was nothing you could do, we have every specialty team in Chicago on this. I know you want to help but you're a civilian, Erin. Let us handle it."
"Do you realize what you're asking me to do? You're asking me to sit on the sidelines while I leave strangers to find my daughter. This is their job, I get that, but protecting Emma is mine."
"We have to find her first for you to protect. You can't protect her when she's God knows where." Though he hoped his words offered her comfort in the guilt she's feeling, he could tell by the change in her expression that they did the complete opposite. She said nothing to him, she simply grabbed her towel and pushed past him, going to the bathroom and cutting on the water.
There was pain, yes, a lot of it, excruciating, cutting deep into her core. It clawed at her insides, shredding her apart in both spirit and flesh. The tears were stuck in her eyes for now, they wouldn't fall. Nothing could heal it, no one but her baby could take this agonizing feeling away. Nothing could soothe it, nor distract her from it, nor prioritize itself above it. A blinded rage, a need for violence simmered beneath her flesh. She never understood how someone could bring themselves to hurt someone, not until now. A renewed purpose, this was it for the time being, the only reason she's standing on two feet right now instead of wallowing in her misery as the shower water runs cold. She was going to find her. She was going to hunt Abby down, traveling to the ends of the earth if she had to and make her feel a pain that is much more excruciating than the pain bearing weight down on her chest right now. She messed with the wrong fucking kid.
"Erin," she hears him call her name as his knuckles rap against the door. He tries the knob, and this time she's happy she remembered to lock the door, "you don't have to open the door but I do want to say that I'm sorry, what I said came out wrong. We're going to get her and Abby will wish she never even looked wrong in our direction. It's both of our jobs to protect Emma, you don't take that lightly which makes you the best mom I've ever met and I mean ever. You've protected her from day one, from the second you told me you were pregnant, you protected her. You saw through Abby, you tried to warn me about her and I didn't listen. I failed. I failed both of you. It's my responsibility to protect both of you, and I couldn't do that. I didn't do that. Any kid would be lucky to have you as their mom, Emma is lucky, she deserves you, she deserves your love, your comfort and you deserve her, you deserve her endless trust, that gummy smile she greets you in the morning with; I want to deserve that too." The door to the bathroom opens, revealing Erin wrapped up in a towel, her hair soaking wet and framing her face. She grabs his wrist and pulls him gently into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
Erin leaves very little space between them, it's not a moment of romance, of flirtatious energy, it's not the time or place for that. The bubble that surrounds them encompasses comfort, support because they both lost Emma, Abby kidnapped their daughter. She loops her fingers through one of his and tugs him closer, "You do deserve it." It's all she gives him and it's all he needs. Neither want to flush this topic out anymore than it needs to be because this topic doesn't put Emma back in their arms, it doesn't suddenly make her safe. She reaches behind him to open the door and leave, departing from the bathroom and leaving him standing in the humid atmosphere.
Erin goes back to her bedroom with a renewed sense of energy, a clarity that only a shower, one that drastically went from cold to scorching hot could give her. She feels renewed, as much as one could feel considering their kid is missing, but renewed enough to hound her father to let her at least shadow the investigation. It wouldn't hurt to have more eyes. And besides, if not for her, who knows how long it would have taken them to realize the killer had to have known about the cameras. She could offer a lot to the investigation, she just has to get them to see that, because if she is forced to stay on the sidelines, she'll overthink and her thoughts would send her spiraling and doing something without thinking. Emma is her lifeline right now, and whether people believe her or not, she can feel Emma is still alive, she can feel that her baby needs her and it's driving her crazy to think of her daughter crying out for her and not understanding why she isn't coming. Erin always comes when Emma needs her. And Abby is getting in the way of that.
"Hey," his voice alerts her to his presence, "Your mom made dinner. She says we need to eat." Jay notices a single tear roll down her cheek, he puts the plate on the nightstand and then lowers himself to sit next to her on the bed. Jay cups her chin with one hand, caressing her skin softly in an effort to soothe her, his thumb wipes away her tears and when another one slips out, he kisses that one away. She leans forward, burying her face in his chest and starts sobbing inconsolably in his arms. It's a deep release, one that she needed, one that he mimicked only hours earlier in the arms of Camille of all people. He rubs her back and whispers sweet reassurances to her.
It's only so many tears a person could cry in a moment and for right now Erin has had her fill.
"I'm not really hungry. I'll eat when we have Emma back."
"The team is working on that."
She sounds hesitant when she asks, "...then why are you here?" She doesn't want to come across as being mean or insulting but she truly wants to know. There is no one more than him than she trusts to solve this case and he's here and not out there knocking on doors.
"Your dad grounded me for now. I still get updates and if I still want to receive them, I have to stay put. Apparently my mission is to watch and protect you and your mom."
"Does he think Abby might come back?"
"He's not willing to risk it. He's scared she came here initially for you."
"...but because I wasn't home, she settled for taking Emma?"
Jay did not confirm or deny that thought because it's pure speculation. The team is thinking it, Jay is kind of thinking it and now that the seed has been planted, she is thinking it. Erin is the one to find the camera in the octopus, at the time Abby didn't know Jay found out and could have come over to silence her. When she saw that Erin wasn't home, she might have suspected, she left to tell him and out of fear and needing some type of leverage, she took Emma.
The lump in her throat thickens and it takes pressure to swallow it. A part of her wishes that she was here, wishes that if that were actually Abby's initial plans that it worked because she'd rather be taken than Emma. A lot of what-ifs spiral through her mind. A lot of hopes too and wishes that she could go back and change how she reacted. Maybe if she called Jay and told him about what she found? Or waited for him to come home? Or even pretended that she didn't notice the camera and act like everything was fine? Or what if she had warned her mom before she rushed out the door? Or had taken her mom and baby with her? Or what if she went home the first time, she called her mom and got no answer? In so many ways she failed and if this doesn't end in the best way, there's no crawling out of the darkest hole she'll find to bury herself in.
"Here," she doesn't know how long she zoned out but his voice snaps her back to the present and there's a plate extended towards her, "comfort food so it's lots of fat and carbs."
Erin's gaze averted from his and towards the plate. Fried chicken. Rolls. Green beans. Mashed potatoes and gravy. This is basically a Sunday night with the family meal and they're having it in the middle of a weekday. All because her baby is gone, and her mom probably feels immense guilt. Erin looks back at Jay, a beam of hope shining through, hoping that she'll take the plate and eat something, even just a bite. Silently, she nods and grabs the plate.
He sits back next to her, his shoulder brushing against hers as they both sit in silence. The only sound to be heard is her chewing. Slow bites consume the air. And in his peripheral, he notices her tear a piece of the roll and dab it in the mashed potatoes and gravy, and just before putting it in her mouth, she hesitates, the piece of food held midair between the plate and her lips and she looks at him, "Are you not eating?"
"I ate before coming in here. Your mom is an amazing cook."
Like an elephant in the room, Erin's avoidance of her mom is just as big and awkward, and Jay knows he's feeding into it by bringing her a plate. It aids her in hiding out, in keeping clear of her mom's presence because while she is so grateful her mom is alive and well, minimal damage, and walks out of the hospital hours later with nothing but a headache and concussion, the part of Erin that needs someone to blame fuels that avoidance. Her mom was left in charge. Her mom was supposed to protect her baby. Her mom…her mom…her mom and if she knew there was a chance her mom would fail at that, she wouldn't have let her watch her child.
And just the thought of that consumes her with guilt. This isn't her mom's fault. Her mom did everything she could to protect her baby. She got knocked out and sent to the hospital for her efforts. What little appetite she found, she lost in mere seconds.
"I know deep down that Abby is the only one responsible for all of this but I can't stop thinking about how my mom didn't protect her. Emma had no way of defending herself. She was probably laying in her crib, doing what babies do, only for Abby to walk in and just carry her out." If she thought too long and hard, she'd even find herself somewhat blaming Milo. Erin looks up at the ceiling, hoping the angle would help to hold the tears in, but it's fruitless, "Jay, we trusted my mom to watch her and protect her and when we needed her to protect her the most, she failed and I can't shake the anger I feel towards her even when I know it's not her fault, she did what she could, she's older, Abby is stronger, she tried her hardest and it still wasn't enough. She wasn't enough, and I can't go out there, I can't face her because if I do, I'm afraid of what I'll say and even though I'm angry with her, I know she doesn't deserve that."
Jay listened, knowing she needed him to do that more than anything. And he knew it was either this or action and the last thing any of them needed was for her to take on looking for Abby herself. He reaches to grab her wrist because her hands were occupied by the plate of food. His thumb rubs comforting circles into the back of her hand, hoping his touch offers her a semblance of comfort, and when she finishes, Jay sighs, looking down at her full plate, "I feel like an idiot if I'm being honest. I should have trusted my gut. I shouldn't have stayed in that relationship for as long as I did. I think maybe I just didn't want to be alone. I was dumb, I was foolish, I was-"
"Hey, don't talk about my boyfriend like that," Erin gives him a dry smirk, one that didn't reach her eyes, "You're far from being dumb and foolish, you hear me?" And when he nods, she finally takes another bite of her food. He lets her wrist go so she could continue.
"I'm just saying I have a lot more fault in this than your mom."
"We both do if I'm being honest."
His head tilts, confused as to where she could possibly find blame in herself, "I could have handled it better after finding the camera. I should have told you about it the second I saw you but I listened to my dad. I could have stayed home, protected her myself. I should have gotten a restraining order months ago, back when Abby first started acting obsessed with you. I should have taken the note she left on my car more seriously, I shouldn't have confronted her."
"I brought her into our lives."
"This isn't the blame olympics. This isn't an argument we want to win."
"And it's not going to get us anywhere."
His hand rubs against her back, and he leans over to give her cheek a kiss, "You go ahead and finish eating. I'm going to let Milo outside. You should get more rest."
"If there's an update-"
"You'll be the first one I tell."
Erin turns back to her plate as Jay leaves her side. She tries not to think even as her gaze drifts up to stare out of the window. Her curtains are drawn and she sees the building adjacent to hers, unfocused on what's in front of her rather than her actual thoughts. She's sulking right now but it won't last forever. She's restricted in how she can help but once she figures out a way to actually get out there and find her daughter, she's leaving and not even Jay can stop her. Though he'll try, or maybe not, considering it's taking everything inside of him to not leave. He wants to help; he'd be more helpful out there than indoors washing dishes as Camille asks to be the one to take Milo outside instead. His phone rings, and he immediately answers it, "Hello, did you find her?"
"Sorry man," it's Ruzek and he almost feels guilty for calling, for his call to be the one to give Jay an inch of hope, "I have you on speaker with the team."
"Sarg I think it's best I come in. We need all the manpower we can get."
"...and we have all the manpower. I have officers in the entire state on the lookout, all of which have photos of Abby and Emma. We have an APB out on her car, make and model, we have dispatch on the lookout for any carjacking calls. It was one thing to keep you on the case when it was a crime against your therapist, but this is your kid, it's different."
"Are you telling me that if this was Erin, you wouldn't be on the case?"
"The luxury of being a sergeant is I get to make those kinds of decisions. You'll have to trust us."
"I do, I'm not saying I don't, but I need to do something sir. I'm going crazy here."
"How is Erin?"
The dismissal is hurtful but what can he expect from a boss that more than likely has a personality disorder. Jay answers and then gives a brief overview on how Camille is doing too.
"Sir, if anything changes, I'll let you know, but there has to be some update you can tell me."
"We have officers staking out your apartment just in case she goes home and we have officers staking out Erin's place just in case she returns. If you can think of any locations she frequents, text them over to Dawson, we'll follow-up with them and put officers on them."
"What about work? Maybe her coworkers know something?"
"Halstead, she's unemployed. She hasn't worked there since she first moved to Chicago."
Jay will have to sit with that later. He'll have to dig into the deepest parts of his memory to see if she ever told him she quit or was fired, but from what he can remember, she hadn't. She never mentioned this. She played along like she would leave for work when in reality, she was lying. And that jogs another reminder of where she would say she'd spend her time, "She had a therapist before Milah, I can go back to my apartment and try to find-"
"We checked her financial records, we looked over them from the time she moved to Chicago to now and we saw the copays to the therapist she was seeing and when we went there, we found out, she only had a handful of appointments, barely enough for the therapist to remember her, but I have Atwater and Olinsky looking over the session notes to see if there's anything there."
She lied about that too. He's glad he's already eaten because he knows he wouldn't be able to eat for the rest of the day. What hasn't she lied about? He thinks back to how he viewed her before the move to Chicago, he thinks about the innocence he thought she possessed, and the guilt he felt for what he did, but her behavior isn't on him. She's been lying long before a lot of the shit he did came to light. Jay makes his way to the nursery, taking a seat in the rocking chair, call on speaker and phone gripped in his hand and held up close to his ear, "Sarg, I need you to be completely honest with me. Erin is in the room; she can't hear us."
"I'm listening, Halstead. What is it?"
"How do you think this'll end? Do you think she'll actually hurt Emma?"
"She went so far as to abduct a Chicago cop's kid, none of us can assume it's an empty threat."
It's a yes without him saying yes. The call ends soon after, and Jay sits with himself as he tries to think of any place Abby frequently visited but all that comes to mind are locations in Wisconsin.
He rises to his feet and walks out of the room, stumbling to stop himself from running into Camille. She whispers an apology, her gaze averted to the floor, obviously avoiding his own. She moves past him, quickly making her way back to the kitchen, the room that gives her the most comfort, and he follows. He leans against the counter, arms crossed as he watches her pack away the food, her eyes watered and her bottom lip pulled back into her mouth. She's trying to appear concentrated, extra focused, so focused that mistakes aren't small like accidentally dropping a knife, one she quickly reaches to pick up, nicking her fingertip in the process, "Damn it!"
Jay rushes over, grabbing the handle of the knife and tossing it in the sink before going for her wrist, taking a hold of it to see how deep the cut is, "It's not deep. Here," he moves her hand to the sink, rinsing her finger before removing it from the water and grabbing a paper towel. He sees the tears that were welling in her eyes previously now start to fall, "Does it hurt?"
"No, no, I'm okay," Camille takes her free hand and wipes her eyes.
"In my line of work, when I see people crying, it's rarely because they're okay."
She chuckles then sniffs, moving her head to meet his gaze, "She blames me, doesn't she?"
"Erin is feeling a lot of things right now."
"So that's a yes," Camille presses her lips together to hold back her tears, "Jay, you have to believe me. I know I should have looked through the peephole but I honestly thought it was Erin and the second I opened the door, she hit me and everything went black."
"You were knocked out at the front door?"
"Yeah," She watches as he goes to retrieve the first aid kid, coming back seconds later with the smallest bandage he could find, "she must have dragged me down the hall so she could close the door. I really don't remember much but I know you all said I was outside of the nursery."
"I know Voight questioned you and some of the guys from Intelligence did too but are you sure you don't remember anything else, did you hear anything? Maybe her talking to herself?"
"I'm sorry Jay. I was out the whole time. I barely even remember being taken to the hospital."
Jay nods, his hand going to her shoulder to offer her comfort. He squeezes gently, encouraging her to meet his eyes, "She's a little upset but she knows, she has said to me that she knows it's not your fault. She just needs someone to blame right now,"
"I blame myself enough for all of us. I just keep trying to remember the last time I fed Emma, I don't want to think she's hungry but it's been hours and I keep wondering how she's doing?"
"You can't think about that, you'll drive yourself crazy. Trust me on that."
"How are you so optimistic right now?
"If I let myself go down that road mentally, I don't think anyone would be able to bring me back. I'm using this energy to focus on not going out there to find my daughter."
"That has to be torture."
"...more than you know."
"I'm sorry Jay."
"I know."
The two of them clean the rest of the kitchen in silence. Camille then goes to the living room, choosing to rest as to not overexert herself as recommended by her doctor. Jay chooses to leave her alone, instead going to Erin's door, noticing Milo sitting with his tail wagging in front of it, patiently waiting to be let in. Jay pats the top of his head then spares him the pain of waiting any longer by cracking open the door, double-checking that she's decent, before Milo's eager self pushes through the gap. If circumstances weren't so dire, the sight would have been a joy to the eyes. Milo's safe, he's obviously missed his person, and between his excited howl and the sharp wagging of his tail, he is absolutely bursting with excitement, with joy and energy. Milo books it across the room, the lethargic and weak dog from hours ago is now completely absent.
"Erin," she startles, and quickly turns to face him. Her widened eyes lock with his for a split second before Milo barks and throws himself at her legs. Milo absolutely loses it. His entire body, now completely absent from drugs, shakes with excitement. He barks, he yips and he whines uncontrollably. He jumps up, almost knocking Erin over with the force of it, trying everything within his power to lick her face.
Either because of his experience with law enforcement or his experience with Erin, but he can read her like an open book. His head tilts as he studies her, watching her beam down at Milo with a warm and loving smile on her face yet that same feeling refuses to meet her eyes. Her eyes portrayed her true feelings, she's happy Milo's okay and he's back to his normal self but she's heartbroken because her daughter is missing. Erin sinks to her knees so she's down on his level, "Hi buddy, I'm so glad you're okay," Erin coos at him, her voice sweet and masking the obvious pain cemented in the tone, "I missed you," she scratched behind his ears, ruffling his fur. Milo only grew more excited and surges forward, and this time, the momentum knocks her off her feet and onto her behind. Milo's tail wags wildly, and with so much energy pent up, the rest of his body follows. He doesn't give her reprieve, and for the first time since Emma's disappearance, Erin's eyes crinkle. He licks at her face, and she genuinely laughs, turning her head away with her face scrunched up as she tries and fails to evade his onslaught of kisses.
Jay could only watch in amusement. He knows if circumstances were different, he'd tease her, he'd joke with her and maybe even capture a picture to remember this moment. But, he didn't want to remember this. A dark cloud looms over them, an unspoken topic tapping at their shoulders and he knows it's only a matter of time before the haze of sleep is completely absent from her mind and in its place will come the reality of what the last day entailed, and he unfortunately had to be the one to answer her questions. He volunteered because it's his girl and his kid but he still honestly didn't want to do this, to have this conversation, and fuck Abby for putting Emma's life in danger, for hurting Camille and for forcing him to stand before Erin, completely vulnerable and ready to be ripped to shreds when he tells her they still have no leads.
"Okay, okay, enough," Erin ruffles behind his ears and settles her hands on either side of his face to hold him back a bit, making eye contact with him, "Milo, stop, sit."
Milo's butt immediately hits the ground, instinctively following her command.
"Good boy," she scratches behind his ears again before climbing out of the bed.
Milo sits still; he doesn't budge. The only movement made is his head following his person's movements. Soon enough, the whining starts again and he bumps his nose to her hand when she reaches out to massage his snout. Erin finally pulls her eyes away from the dog to look up and meet his own, and that's when Jay sees the light in her eyes dull, she remembers, "Is there any update?" She draws her bottom lip between her teeth, and then she smiles at him -though it doesn't reach her eyes- in an effort to wave the white flag about their earlier argument.
He wants to lie but he knows that's pointless, it'll only get her hopes up. So instead, he chooses to be honest, "...not yet."
"Abby's probably long gone," she says softly, barely above a whisper.
Jay shakes his head, rubs a hand over the back of his neck, "I doubt it."
Erin looks up at him with a glare, sharp, pointed, "We don't know how long of a head start she got. She can be in Canada by now for all we know."
"First of all, she's not entering any foreign country with a baby that has no passport. The US-Canada border is airtight, it's no way she's slipping by any of them. If anything I wish she would try to cross to Canada so she could be caught, we'd know Emma was in safer hands and we'd be contacted the second they run her passport and realize she's wanted for kidnapping. "
He's right. That does make Erin feel slightly better, only marginally because then where the hell is Abby planning to go now and what the hell does she have in store for her baby. Erin's shoulders slump, displaying her acceptance of that point, waving the figurative white flag.
"Okay, so she's still in the country but that can literally be anywhere, there's 50 fucking states and what if she decided to go to a U.S. territory, she won't need a passport for that."
"She can't go anywhere where IDs need to be verified and scanned; she's not boarding a flight, because I'm sure one of the first things your dad did was alert the airports, so Hawaii and all those territories aren't options," His hand goes to her back, rubbing circles against her shirt, "We can narrow some of those other ones down too. Mouse is watching her accounts like a hawk; he's scanning them from the moment she arrived in town up until now, there is no purchase of any flights. She is in the contiguous United States. We have her face out there, we're going to find her. It's only a matter of time before she's flagged or tips start pouring in."
"Jay, we can't just keep sitting here and doing nothing," he hears her words and he nods silently because he agrees, "We should be on foot, going door to door, talking to the news, posting flyers up, ringing all the alarms, stopping cars, grounding the flights and blocking all exits out of Chicago. It's driving me crazy just sitting here on my hands and doing nothing."
"I told the team I'll give them a day. At least that."
"Why a day?"
"...because I've been called, I've been sidelined."
"I'll talk to my dad."
"The order wasn't by him. It's above him."
"They only sidelined you for a day?"
"No, they sidelined me completely from this investigation."
"Can they do that?"
"They can do whatever the hell they want…"
"...then why a day? Why not right now?"
"Because they're monitoring me like a hawk too, I don't need their interference when we get in the field. They're expecting me to go rogue and they'll corner me and if caught, they'll latch a babysitter on me for the rest of the case, unmarked police cars will just so happen to follow me around and be parked outside, which'll only make it harder for us to find her, and I'll probably lose my job and access to resources I need to find Emma. They're expecting me to act on emotion right now, by tomorrow, some of the heat on me will die down. We can take advantage of that. I'm calling in every hour for updates, that's expected of me as a dad so I can get away with that, but me, actively working the case when white shirts ordered me not to, nope."
"The politics of all that is bullshit, I mean she is our kid."
"Think about times you've been called to the police station after a kid goes missing or has a history of running away and you sit and speak with the parents. What do you tell their parents when they want to go out and kick down doors to find their kids?"
She doesn't answer that because she knows where he is going. It's easy being on the outside looking in but once you're in the midst of it all, it's hard to see and think clearly. Erin would tell them to trust the police, the police are working around the clock to find their kid and she would believe every word she'd say, but for some reason, right now, she struggles to accept that as truth. She struggles with relinquishing control, to basically put her daughter's life in someone else's hands and trust that they'll give this case the energy and focus that only a parent could do. She knows by getting involved, she could be getting in the way but it's so fucking hard to just sit here, in the home her daughter was taken from and do nothing. But she's not asked to do nothing, she's just being asked to wait, which is one of the hardest things she will agree to do.
"Just one day," she repeats to confirm, "...then we're in?"
"Yeah," he says but at the back of his mind he's not so sure about the 'we' part, the agreement was more so for his involvement, not hers, but he knows enough about Erin to know her determination and stubbornness will not have her on the sidelines forever, "and then we're in." It's better to allow her to work alongside him rather than to have her go AWOL and get herself into who knows what kind of danger. She rises to her feet and wraps her arms around him, offering the comfort of her embrace and accepting the comfort of his own. He buries his face in the crook of her neck, allowing the smell of her scent to wash over him and settle his rising nerves, lowering the hairs on his arms that had been raised the second he got the call to get to Erin's place. He tightens his arms, pressing her as hard up against his body as possible, grateful that she wasn't harmed in any of this at all, grateful that he has her by his side, holding her so close that she could feel his heartbeat against her ear, locking his arms around her to prolong the hug because he needs this and in any other situation, she might complain, but not today. Today, she needs this too; today, she meets him halfway and tightens her own arms around him as well.