But I also found that it's worth persevering in your love for people. There are more kind human beings on this planet than you think, it just doesn't seem that way because negative experiences are the ones that stick the hardest in your memory.
You think I should try to make friends with them? To... love them?
If you can find it within your heart, then yes.
Find it within my heart?
Chapter 2
June, 2065
Gehirn HQ is emptier than usual. Most employees have gone home for the weekend, only the very dedicated and the unlucky are left and most of them have locked themselves into their labs and offices. The corridors are given a liminal quality, eerily quiet and sterile. The only sign of life, such as it is, that Rei encounters is one of those round little cleaning robots.
The doors hiss shut behind Rei and the elevator begins ascending. The only sound is the soft electrical hum. Apparently Germans don't do elevator music these days. Deutsche Musikalität. She stands stoically and waits for the ride to end.
The elevator stops after only two floors, and opens to admit a new passenger. She is tall and a little thin, with a lab coat over a pink blouse and a marine blue skirt. Brown hair frames a face that develops a small frown as she meets Rei's look.
It's always a strange experience for Rei to meet this woman. In Berlin there's a funhouse with a mirror that only shows grayscale through clever optical engineering, letting visitors pretend they're in an old 1900s black-and-white film. To Rei, seeing this woman is like that, but opposite. Like a normal-looking person appearing in a ghost's mirror reflection. She has the same narrow chin and wide cheekbones, the same short and unruly hair and the same thin lips. The difference lies in the woman's fair skin and green eyes, a stark contrast to Rei's own albino features.
"Ms Ikari," Rei says automatically.
The woman says nothing in reply, merely letting her eyes linger for a moment before she steps into the elevator. She then turns her shoulder to Rei and crosses her arms.
They ride the elevator up five more floors in silence. The electric drone is interrupted once by the sound of Dr. Ikari's heeled shoes against the metal floor as she shifts slightly.
Then the elevator stops again and Rei gets off. She passes through a small room and another door, and enters a large and somewhat dimly lit dining hall. It is nearly a hundred metres across, and through the windows ahead and to either side Rei can see the lights of nighttime Berlin.
There are only five tables within this space, four near each corner and one in the middle. Waiters are in the middle of setting the middle table, where a gentleman sits reading a book. He is old and wrinkled and rotund. His head is balding, his eyes are covered by a visor taken straight out of a science fiction movie, and an almost imperceptible buzzing noise accompanies every movement of his torso. The table is too narrow for people to dine on both sides at once, so only the two spots at the short sides are being set, and those are almost six metres apart.
"You are as punctual as clockwork, Rei," the man at the opposite end of the table says in a creaky, croaking voice as she approaches to take her seat.
"Yes, chairman Keel," she replies. "I have learned how long it takes to walk here, and you always have the table set at exactly the same time."
"Of course. I received most favourable news from doctor Ibuki this morning. Our diligence is finally paying off."
He puts away his book on a small tray and waits while the waiters bring their meal in. Once they have left again, he puts his elbows up on the table and clasps his hands together, continuing, "You have been able to synchronise very well with the core. The Lilith project will soon be realised."
"Chairman Keel, may I ask a question?"
"By all means."
"What is the psychosomatic waveform?"
"Hrm," Keel croaks and shifts in his seat. "It… is an energy that is present in all living things, Rei. An energy that is fundamental to the very nature of life, indeed we suspect it is also an integral part of the human psyche as I have said. Fundamental to self-perception and self-realisation. And yours appears to be especially potent, Rei. Enough that it can actually be measured, potentially even to the point that it can affect the world around you. We would call that your psychosomatic field."
After a moment of thinking, Rei asks, "You said the Lilith project can now become a reality. You have talked before about constructing a machine of some kind, where the core will be used as a control unit. Do you want me to operate this machine once it has been completed? That is what you have said."
"Why of course," Keel replies with enthusiasm. "Your work with the synchronisation experiments thus far have been invaluable. I cannot imagine anyone better."
"And if you did not have me, the project would be set back."
"Very much yes."
"What if I did not want to?"
Keel remains silent for a moment, his brows furrowing a barely perceptible amount.
Rei continues, her voice soft and matter-of-factly, "It stands to reason that since you made one of me, you can make another. Am I truly free to do as I wish?"
"Rei, please, what has brought this on?" Keel straightens his back, though his voice betrays no discomfort or irritation. "Of course your willing participation in the project is important to me - indeed, it is important to everyone. I understand some of the doctors you work alongside have become somewhat attached to you, Rei, and I am sure they'd be distressed should anything happen to you."
"You are avoiding my question. That you appreciate my consent to working here is not what I meant. Am I free to do as I wish?"
"Yes, Rei, you are. If you are having a change of heart, I would be more than happy to discuss it with you. You would need to, ah, sign some non-disclosure agreements about Gehirn among other things. But I was under the impression that you enjoy the synchronisation experiments. No?"
Rei looks away, taken off-guard, "Y-yes, I do."
– –
– –
Rei opens her eyes and sighs. A cluster of bubbles rise from her mouth and up the plug. She looks at her wrist watch. Half an hour left of the test.
The doctors seem to be discussing routines for emergencies, in case of sudden power failure or the like. Dr. Akagi says, "The auxiliary generators only have so much life in them, but the main power draw is the wave detectors inside the plug."
"Well we can't disconnect them," Dr. Ibuki replies.
"No, but running them at just half power would significantly increase the lifetime of the rest of our equipment."
"I suppose it would be preferable compared to cancelling the test altogether."
Rei frowns, thinking for a moment. "That's a stupid idea. If you run the system on very low power, you run the risk of getting false positives generated by the amplifiers in my suit. The data would be useless."
"Wha-..." Dr. Akagi stammers. "How do you know th- uhm, how do you figure, Rei?"
"Mr. Keel left me the technical manual, I memorised it."
"How did he even get his hands on those," Ibuki mutters, "He may be on the board but not even Lorenz has unrestricted access to those files."
"Be that as it may, any data is still better than no data," Dr. Soryu says diplomatically.
"Actually," Dr. Ibuki says after a moment, "I think I have to agree with Rei. It'd be better to run the system at full power for a shorter duration, to maximise the amount of good data we generate."
Then Rei hears the sound of a door opening, and high heeled office shoes clacking against the metal floor. "Oh, Ms. Ikari," Dr. Ibuki says. "We're conducting the synchronisation experiment at present."
"Good, good," Ikari replies. "Chairman Keel was worried you wouldn't be able to do so on schedule today due to the maintenance work on floor six."
"It hasn't been a problem. They made sure to get the cabling done first, so we're on schedule."
"Anything new on Subject Y-0?"
"Possibly, though I daren't say anything until we've reviewed the data. But she is showing progress in her interface with the Core."
Dr. Soryu's voice speaks up now, though tentatively and with some hesitation, "Rei's been quite diligent."
"Subject Y-0," Ms. Ikari says pointedly, verbally sweeping the doctor's use of the name aside with her tone, "Should do nothing less, and I would expect nothing less. If Y-0 slacks off or is otherwise inadequate for the project, I want to be notified. Otherwise I will assume that your work is on track."
Rei's chest stings and her cheeks heat up.
"Ms. Ikari," Dr. Ibuki snaps, "I will not have anyone lecturing my colleagues. We are in the middle of the analysis, and everything will be in the report. And while you're here I also would like to ask you, if you are the one who provided the technical manual of the interface wave detector for chairman Keel?"
There's a moment of silence. Dead, tense silence, just a second or two that seems to last an eternity.
Then Ms. Ikari says "Yes, I did. He wanted them and I couldn't see why not. Do you object, doctor?"
Dr. Ibuki huffs. "I object to not having been informed. I am just as much responsible for the technical development and use of Gehirn's intellectual properties as you are. Now, since you've seen our test is running as scheduled, I would like for us to be left to our work."
"...Fine. Carry on," Ms. Ikari says in a casual tone that sounds forced to Rei, and the clacking of her shoes commences again, briefly before being cut off by the sound of a door closing.
There's another moment of uncomfortable silence, then Dr. Ibuki breaks the tension with an unbothered "Dr. Soryu, eyes on the gauge please."
A strange feeling remains in Rei's stomach, her memory lingers with Ibuki snapping at Ikari a moment before. She's never heard this tone from anyone, and the fact that it seems aimed solely at Ms. Ikari makes her feel something she's never felt before. Something that eludes her ability to identify.
She sighs, and closes her eyes. Doesn't want to think about Ms Ikari. Slowly weightlessness sets in again, and her anxiety drains from her. She wants to simply curl up, and for a moment can almost feel like being embraced, like someone else's warmth against her skin.
– –
– –
The city glides past beneath them, slow despite the speed of the helicopter. On the intercom in Rei's helmet a voice comes online, speaking melodramatically like on a TV commercial, "Flight lieutenant Aida to all passengers, we are coming on final approach to the hospital."
"Thank you," replies Dr. Ibuki with a tone that sounds both tired and strained. The doctor really does not enjoy these helicopter flights, for some reason. She sits opposite Rei, fidgeting in her lap with her glasses or staring this way or that. Maya, sitting next to Rei, seems to be enjoying herself.
For her own part, Rei simply returns to staring out the window behind her, working on making a map of nighttime Berlin in her head to pass the time. It's been enough flights back and forth to the hospital now that she feels fairly confident she'd be able to navigate this route herself from memory alone.
The roads below are abuzz with traffic and the skyscrapers shine like torches over the city. In the distance you can just see a line where streets are broken and architecture changes, sometimes at an unnatural angle; a part of central Berlin looks like it's been cut out, rearranged, and then inserted back again. A decade-old thermonuclear mark upon the city, one of many, like scar tissue that's healed but doesn't quite look the same.
They touch down a minute or two later, while another helicopter lands beside them. It disgorges a dozen soldiers armed to the teeth, most of whom march down into the hospital ahead of Rei and the rest of the retinue. Everything is regimented and orderly.
They descend a set of stairs and follow an empty corridor, then Dr. Ibuki gestures into an operations room. Some of the soldiers are waiting inside, some are standing outside and keeping watch by corners and nearby doors. Inside waits the dark-haired Dr. Akagi, and Dr. Soryu with her fiery orange mane.
Dr. Ibuki steps in, "Are we ready?"
"Yes," Dr. Soryu replies. She produces a syringe and gestures for Rei to come and lie down on the operating bed, which she does. "How are you, Rei?" she asks in German while drawing blood from Rei's arm.
"I'm well," she replies. Her own German is a little stiff. "I... had trouble sleeping."
"Is that so? Have you been having nightmares?"
"No, I don't know why I couldn't sleep," she lies.
"If it happens again, please file a report on it. Any irregularities in your psyche will need documentation. And," Dr. Soryu adds with a small smile, "your German is getting much better."
Rei doesn't reply.
Dr. Akagi now approaches the bed also. She's carrying a device, a thick metal diadem with cables running to a machine by the doorway. "If you want me to prescribe you something to help you sleep you can send me an email," she says.
"Yes," Rei simply replies as the diadem is fitted on her head.
"Are we ready to begin, Naoko?" Dr. Soryu asks.
Akagi nods and Dr. Soryu turns back to Rei, her expression now more professional. "You had a synchronisation test two days ago. Have you experienced any adverse effects since then? Nausea, headaches, hallucinations?"
Rei shakes her head.
"Turn it on."
She feels a tingle, one that travels from her temples and down to her hands and up again. The diadem hums quietly. Her mind drifts back to Keel. He said the others would be sad if I disappeared. Does he mean Akagi and Soryu?
"This is very promising…" Dr. Ibuki says, standing bent down over a microscope. The syringe with Rei's blood sample sits in an injector which runs via a tube to a thin glass block, onto which the doctor is looking. "There is no biological contamination at all in her white blood cells this time."
Dr. Akagi is sitting in a chair by the machine the diadem is connected to, next to a display that is giving a flow of numbers and wave patterns. She is alternating between reading the screen and tapping furiously into the laptop in her lap. "PSF waves are within expected limits, brain waves also normal."
A sigh escapes Dr. Ibuki. "We need to come up with a better name for it. Psychosomatic field is… too nonspecific and esoteric for my tastes."
"Ever the microbiology engineer," Dr. Akagi says, amused.
"I'm sorry," Dr. Soryu says, "but Noriko, you wanted to name the PSF neurograph the 'Prefrontal cortex Oscillation Resonance Neurograph'. I don't trust your abbreviation sense."
"...Hmpf."
"I'm not sure I like Keel's suggestion better," Akagi says. "AT field sounds snappy, sure, but even less descriptive. Oh, Kyoko, could you come and look at this?"
Dr. Soryu gets up and walks over. Ibuki looks over her shoulder at the display also, and as if understanding by intuition what the problem might be she leaves the microscope and comes over to Rei, bending over to adjust the diadem.
After a moment's silence, Rei asks, "What is the psychosomatic field?"
"It's not something I can easily explain," Ibuki says, without taking her eyes off the diadem.
Rei looks away with a barely perceptible glare. "You could try."
A barely perceptible sigh escapes the doctor. "Well… Using a certain type of biomolecular resonance imager, the presence of your psychosomatic waveform can be measured. To derive a waveform from the field's behaviours and effects on matter requires a supercomputer. We have tied it empirically to certain types of neurological activity and think it regulates, or is regulated by, the autonomic nervous system. But what exact mechanism generates it, we don't know."
Dr. Ibuki then straightens out and glances over her shoulder at the other two doctors, "Better now?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
Rei turns her eyes back towards the ceiling. It's a ceiling she's become intimately familiar with over the years. Stupid ceiling. It seems to be the only constant in her life. They talk to me like they care about me. Maybe… But so does Keel. He smiles, tells me he is so proud. But I can see it in him. He is no different from her, who thinks of me as her lab experiment. If all he does is smile and pretend, is everyone else also pretending? Or is he trying to use them against me?
– – (perspective switch to Noriko!) – –
Noriko nods to Akagi and returns to the microscope. Maybe calling it the 'AT field' isn't so bad. I suppose it's more important that it rolls off the tongue. I'd be irked if I had to say 'upper central nervous system' instead of 'brain' every single time.
"I have to admit, though," Akagi says with what almost sounds like a touch of mischief, "that Noriko's suggestion would be pretty funny. It's not like this system will ever become a public patent anyway."
Soryu sighs. "Naoko, you have a five-year-old's sense of humour. And besides, it'd never make it past Dr. Ikari."
Noriko looks up, giving the wall an irritated scowl. "I have a mind to put that suggestion to her if only for the sake of the joke."
"You two really haven't been seeing eye-to-eye lately," Kyoko says.
"She thinks that she can do what she wants just because her husband sits on the board," Noriko says, arms crossed. "I had always thought she was a woman of science! But the last few years it's been nothing but progress this, subject Y-0 that. It's like she doesn't care about whether we're doing good science anymore, and instead that the project just lands somewhere in particular… And preferably yesterday thank you very much."
"Which makes it all the more strange that she allowed me to take Ritsuko to see our labs next week," Naoko says. "You'd think she would shoot it down as an unnecessary distraction."
"Yes, well, I suppose she might see it as hedging her bets," Noriko mutters. She then straightens out, clearing her throat, "Speaking of which, Naoko. I couldn't reschedule that design revision meeting for you, so I hope you're comfortable leaving me with Ritsuko for an hour? I'll ask Maya to accompany us for the duration."
"No problem at all, thank you for trying."
She catches Rei glancing up at her, eyes betraying harm for just a split second before she looks away and they glaze over with that stony indifference again. No, Ibuki thinks. They wouldn't understand. And they certainly wouldn't be a good influence on one another.
– –
– –
July, 2065
The doorbell chimes. Rei looks up with a frown from the diary she's writing. She never has spontaneous visitors. If someone wants to meet her they schedule a meeting with her at their office. She gets out of the chair and walks over to the door, opening. It's Maya standing there.
Next to and slightly behind her stands another girl, no older than nine or ten, who bears a striking resemblance to Dr. Akagi. "Rei, are you busy? Uhm, there's someone here I'd like you to meet!"
"Who is this?" Rei asks Maya.
"Go on, introduce yourself," she says to the kid.
The little girl hesitantly steps forward, "Uhm… I'm Ritsuko Akagi. Who are you?"
"I am Rei." She looks at the two. Ritsuko looks shy, while Maya has an almost expectant look on her face. After a moment she cautiously asks, "May we come in?"
This is odd. But Rei can't think of a good reason to refuse, and so simply nods. Ritusko shines up and stomps past Rei without another word. Rei holds Maya in the doorway however, calmly but firmly. "Why did you bring her here? Who is she?" she asks quietly.
"She's like you," Maya replies.
Rei frowns again. "But she looks nothing like me," she says, holding up a chalk-white hand for emphasis.
"She was naturally conceived by Dr. Akagi, but she has Lilith's genes just like you. I thought, even though my sister didn't, that you might want to meet her." Maya smiles diplomatically.
"Do you know what Lilith is, Rei?" Ritsuko asks.
Rei turns around, staring down at the perfectly normal-looking little girl. She has thick blond hair and green eyes, and isn't as thin for her height as Rei. "It is a code name for some sort of human genetic modification program, that's all I know. They made me with those genes."
"Don't you have a mommy?" Ritsuko asks, puzzled.
"No, I do not. I grew up in a glass pod."
Ritsuko tilts her head sideways. "That sounds boring."
"I slept nearly until I was ready to leave," Rei says, and steps aside so that Maya can enter as well. "Did you… have fun in the womb?"
Ritsuko grimaces, thinking. "No, I don't think so, I can't remember though…"
"Why are you here?" Rei asks.
"Because Maya took me?" Ritsuko says, puzzled.
Rei shakes her head, "No, I mean the facility, here at Gehirn. What are they planning on doing with you?"
Ritsuko looks at Maya, "What's that mean?"
Maya lets out a short chuckle and gives Rei a look of part amusement, part disappointment. "Nothing, don't worry! You're just visiting with your mom, right? C'mere!" She sits herself down in the bed, and Ritsuko comes up and sits next to her.
Rei sits down in the bed as well. Ritsuko looks up at her and says, "This room feels strange."
"What do you mean?" Maya asks.
"It's probably just me," Rei says. "Maybe, if we both have genetic material from Lilith, that our psychosomatic waveform, our AT fields, may affect each other somehow."
"That's a bit of a far-fetched conclusion to jump to..." Maya says, giving Rei a sidelong look.
That's a naïve counter-argument, Rei thinks. She may possess a strong waveform just like I do. Does Maya not know about it?
"Do you know what LCL is?" Ritsuko asks in Rei's direction.
"No. I'm not sure what it is. All I know is that the Core produces it, and it is used as a medium in the synchronisation experiments I perform. It's oxygenated so I can breathe in it."
"What's a contact experiment?"
Rei glances up at Maya, searching for signs that she shouldn't answer, but sees none. So she turns back to Ritsuko, "Gehirn wants to use the Core as a control unit for some sort of machine. But they do not understand fully how you interface with it, and that's why I do the experiments. To figure that out."
"Is that fun?"
Rei looks away. Even though she has no trouble admitting it to herself privately, she always gets caught off-guard when being asked by someone else. "It- It is… comfortable."
"You look sick Rei, your skin doesn't look good," Ristuko says, changing subject almost without skipping a beat.
"I was born like this," Rei says simply, "I think that it's natural for me. Same for my hair colour."
"It looks like rubber..." Ritsuko mumbles, and reaches for Rei's thigh. She recoils instinctively, being very unused to people touching her. But just before Ritsuko can lay her hand on Rei, something happens.
A sharp noise like striking a tuning fork reverberates very quietly through the room, followed swiftly by Ritsuko shrieking in surprise and recoiling. Her fingers came into contact with a sheet of light that appeared out of thin air just above Rei's skin. It's like gold-tinted glass, octagonal in shape, that expands like a wave on water before fading a moment later. Maya embraces Ritsuko and stares over the child's shoulder at Rei, who looks back in dumbstruck confusion.
Fear creeps onto Maya's face. Still with Ritsuko in her arms she rises from the bed, alternating between stammering out apologies at Rei and trying to calm the young girl. She mutters something about how she should have listened to her sister, and leaves the room.
Rei stares after them, and slowly her eyes descend to her thigh. No matter how little she might know about the world, she's quite convinced that that isn't something humans usually do. She pokes at her skin. Nothing. She slaps herself, still nothing. What was it I just did? Is this why Dr. Ibuki didn't want me to meet this girl? Maya couldn't have known considering her reaction, and I thought that the doctor told her everything... Was it even me, or her? And who are they protecting by keeping us apart? Which one of us are they trying to keep in the dark? Ritsuko, or me?
– –
– –
Two men and a woman sit together in a large office, lavish with expensive wooden furniture. Bookcases full of volumes on law, psychology, biology and the most famous works of fiction. Renaissance-style paintings dress the walls, catholic imagery married to biology and physics.
One of the men, sitting behind the desk, is chairman Lorenz Keel. The other is younger, tall and sturdily built, sitting on the desk's other side along with Dr. Ibuki. With a groomed stubble on his chin and short black hair, he cuts a dashing figure. "Ah, but you needn't look so glum, sir," he says while polishing one of the lenses of his amber-coloured glasses against his jacket. "Dr. Ibuki's report was favourable yet again. I'd say the project is progressing nicely. Rei will soon have unlocked the Core's secrets for us."
"Mmm, yes," Lorenz says. "I only worry what we will do with her when it is done. What if she does stop cooperating with us?"
The young man smiles and puts his glasses back on, "I was under the impression that she can simply be replaced."
"Mr. Ikari, I'm surprised to hear this from you," Lorenz says, his voice betraying something like disappointment. "I had thought you would possess some manner of bond with the girl, considering her genes."
Ikari loses his smile. "No," he says plainly.
"Hrm, I see," Lorenz grumbles. "You are of course correct, if only technically. Replacing her would slow down the project and, I fear, cause unhappiness among the team of researchers working with her. It would be inconvenient, to say the least."
Dr. Ibuki averts her eyes, saying nothing.
"Fortunately, Rei appears to enjoy the synchronisation experiments with the Core. I believe she would be right at home as a pilot, and it's important that we have someone with experience and motivation by the time we open the first NERV facility. As such I will continue to kindle her curiosity in the project."
"Hm. Rei enjoys being with the core, does she?"
"You find it amusing, Mr. Ikari?"
"I find it curious. The sea of LCL is a barren wasteland for the one without the lifetime of treasured memories with which to populate it. I had thought it would be quite boring for her. But then again, it is nonetheless an excellent place for the one who wants to run away."
Keel perks an eyebrow, "Running from what? The frailty of her own heart, or your indifference? In Rei's own world is the only place she finds acceptance."
His expression sours again, and he diverts his eyes from Keel. "She's a failed experiment, sir," he says. "She's barely even human. Whose genes she carries has nothing to do with it."
"But I beg to differ," Dr. Ibuki now interjects. "She's not what you might have hoped for, but she has proven very helpful to us."
"Perhaps if you remember that, you would be a little more positive," Keel adds.
"And you treat her better?" Ikari retorts, gently but pointedly. "Why can't she find acceptance at your side?"
Dr. Ibuki simply huffs at the question and if Keel notices the undertone to Ikari's words, he does not acknowledge it. "I encourage her to find her own meaning in her life. I have done naught but praise her for how useful she is to us and the project!"
Ibuki interjects again at this point, suddenly rather exasperated. "Excuse me, but this hardly seems important. May I ask if we plan on discussing that little incident between Rei and Dr. Akagi's daughter?"
A smile creeps onto Keel's lips. "I suppose you are worried Rei might realise something?"
"W-well, yes!" Ibuki says, her exasperation only increasing. "Am I really the only one here who can appreciate the consequences this might have?"
"Fear naught, doctor," Keel says, "for I was counting on it."
Ibuki and Ikari exchange a look. Hers is confused and his is an amused smirk. "You… counted on it?" she says after a moment.
"Why, yes of course. I knew your little sister would not be able to help herself, doctor. Indeed, I had a little mouse whisper something in Maya's ear, and it is why I called you away for a minute that day: so that she would have a chance to elope with Ritsuko while your back was turned."
Dr. Ibuki stares for a moment, gaping. The stare turns into a glare. "Bastard. You ass!" She shoots out of her chair. "You knew I didn't want them together so you manipulated Maya to go behind my back! Despite the fact I had damned good reasons for wanting to keep them separate!"
"Rei cannot develop properly if caged like a bird, doctor. I believe we have not realised her full potential, and now I've given her a nudge in the proper direction."
"Develop properly? Are you joking?! I hope this doesn't explode in your face, chairman, because believe me I will not be the one to come save your wrinkled ass if it does!" With that she storms out, pulling a cigarette pack from her lab coat pocket as she goes.
Gendo glances after her, and then back to Lorenz, "I believe that could have been handled better, sir."
"She will not stop her work, that is all that matters. Nor will she tell the others: her pride will not permit it."
– –
– –
The ball bounces against the wall and comes back, striking the floor once and then hitting Rei softly in the thigh. She picks up the ball, and tosses it against the wall of her room again. She visualises the ball as a hand grenade, primed to explode.
It bounces between her legs and rolls off to the other side of the room. Maybe that day with Ritsuko was just a fluke? She turns around and goes to pick up the ball again. Her mind drifts back to what Lorenz Keel once said: Fundamental to the human psyche. And yours appears to be especially potent, Rei.
Her hand clenches around the bouncy ball. Was it another manipulation attempt? Idle chatter meant to keep me busy, distracted with some goose-chase so I don't leave?
She glares into the floor for a moment, then turns around and throws the ball at the wall with all the strength the momentary surge of rage can muster. It comes flying back at her with considerable speed, and she doesn't even have time to swear over her mistake, much less get out of the way.
But the ball never hits her. It's as if it bounces off of the thin air itself in front of Rei, and back into the wall. A faint shimmer like heat distortion lingers in the air for a split second before fading.
While the ball comes bouncing along the floor and stopping at her foot, Rei stares. She looks down at her hands. She feels a tingle in her fingertips, then a sharper sensation that moves up her spine and radiates out into her chest, as if a gentle jolt of electricity was travelling across her ribcage. Still somewhat in disbelief, she bends down to pick up the ball again. She stares at it suspiciously. Did I imagine it, maybe?
She tosses the ball into the air absent-mindedly. As it comes down she tries to catch it with her other hand, but underestimates how far to the side it would fall. She tries to correct her hand's position at the last second, and in mid-air the ball changes trajectory and falls into her hand. She drops it with a yelp, as if it was hot, and then just stands there watching the ball roll away and into a corner.
The AT field… It is real. And I can…
She looks down at her hands again. The tingle isn't as noticeable this time. What can I do…?
While fetching the ball and putting it back on her desk, Rei thinks. Her greatest expedient for understanding the world has always been books: she has a case full of literature, most of it provided by Lorenz. But I highly doubt there are any books on this particular subject.
She approaches the bookcase and scans its contents, searching for inspiration. Even if the nature of the AT field is unlikely to have any publications made about it, there could still be scientific texts that potentially approach it indirectly. Rei still doesn't know enough about the outside world to judge.
After a few moments, her eye is drawn to a volume on philosophy, one that she hasn't read before. The spine reads 'How the brain seamlessly incorporates tools into its self-perception'. Curiosity piqued, she reads the text on the back as she walks to the bed to lie down and read.
The book describes how the author sees the human mind's perception and use of technology, by describing a hammer. When we use the hammer to strike a nail, the hammer becomes a part of the perception of our body, and we begin to treat it as an extension of our hand. When this happens, and the tool becomes transparent to us, a new composite entity emerges with which the hammer is a natural component, that can be used as naturally as one breathes. Just as we stop thinking about how our legs move as we learn to walk, we learn how to use these tools and integrate them into ourselves.
Rei looks up from the page and into the ceiling. This book talks about transhumanism and psychology, not magic superpowers, but… Simply wanting to use the AT field to do something hasn't worked. I have only been able to use it reflexively, I think. Subconsciously. Maybe… Maybe I need to stop thinking of it as something I can summon into existence like magic in a book, but as a part of my body. To stop thinking of it as a thing I can produce, and instead as just an extension of my body. If I…
She moves her hand over the page, without touching it and without really thinking except expecting she's just going to turn the page. Her heart skips a beat as the page stirs, but not quite enough to flip all the way over. More than it would just from the air moving over it. She frowns, and tries again. This time nothing happens. She takes a deep breath and clears her mind.
Don't want, just do.
Then she repeats the procedure, and the entire book flips over and falls off the bed. She reaches out to catch it, and it freezes in mid-air. Rei takes the book and sits up on the bedside. Her fingers tingle. She can't help a sense of elation rising in her chest.
But then a creeping worry comes along as well. I want to find out what I can do, but I'm fairly sure this room is under surveillance to some extent. Anything more overt than… That, and I might be discovered.
She stares at the floor. But what if I am discovered? What will they do with me? Will they have Ibuki dissect me? Does Keel know I have these abilities? Do they know the AT field can do this? What can the AT field do, actually? I have to keep exploring. What if I'm dangerous? What if I'm some sort of walking time bomb? I must know.
She sets the book aside and gets up, pacing about the room. Where can I go where there are no cameras? Maybe the outdoors grounds between the food court and the reception area? It's surrounded by buildings so you can't sneak in there from outside the complex, and it doesn't connect between any high security areas. Shouldn't be any need for surveillance. I'll just have to make sure there aren't any lit windows so no one's watching.
End of chapter 2.