Wedded Bliss...Interrupted
Summary: The wedding of Clark and Lois. Speak now or forever hold your peace. Two women choose to speak now.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Note: I will be taking liberties galore here and it is not meant to be taken seriously so please take it as what it is.
The Wedding of Clark Kent and Lois Lane. The beautiful blushing bride. The handsome groom. Almost clichéd in its assemblage.
The priest is simply going through the formalities. "If anyone has any objection why these two should not be wed let him speak now or forever hold their peace?" he asks the congregation.
A few seconds go by. "We object!" twin female voices shout from the back of the church. There are audible gasps. Lois looks like she will explode, her face turning red with anger.
Clark meanwhile has gone as white as a ghost as he lays eyes on the brunette and the blond women. Previously forgotten images scream into his brain.
Zatanna's gift. The magically spiked champagne. They all ending up very drunk. Oliver talking him into one last hooray as a bachelor. A quick superspeed to Vegas. Meeting the blond and brunette in a hotel bar. Going up to their room and spending two entire days there and...before that they did something else?...What was it again?...oh no!
"Who the hell are you?" Lois demands to know through gritted teeth as the two women stride confidently forward to the front.
"Oh how rude of me," the blond says sounding slightly air-heady. "I'm Buffy and this is Faith," she says pointing at the brunette and introducing themselves.
"That doesn't explain who you are."
Both women produce something from behind their backs. Two pieces of white paper which they hold up for everyone to read. "It's simple," the women say together and then point at Clark. "We're his wives!"
The two pieces of paper are marriage certificates.
"B-but you can't both be?" Lois shrieks.
"Um..." Chloe starts to say hesitantly having noticed on the certificates where the marriages took place. "Actually they can because Nevada changed its law about 6 months ago to make polygamy legal."
"Which it is not in Kansas," the priests says sternly fixing Clark a steely gaze. "This wedding cannot proceed!" he declares loudly so all the guests can hear.
Lois just stares at Clark wanting him to deny this. For him to tell her this all just some fantasy cooked up by crazy people.
Clark swallows hard. "Uh...Lo...honey..."
Lois slaps him. "Don't!" she screams. "Don't talk to me! I can't believe...you...of all people...I can't..." Lois just runs out of words and starts to run off tears streaking down her face.
Clark moves to chase after her but is caught by Oliver who shakes his head which says to leave her be for now. Clark's eyes roam around to see his mother, her expression filled with utter disappointment in him.
"Now then," Buffy says. "Now that we have that out of the way it's time you make with the talky," she tells Clark.
"What?" Clark asks his mind, even his superpowered one, struggling to comprehend everything that is happening.
"Faith and I," Buffy says waving her hand back and forth between herself and the brunette, "we're Slayers which means we have strength and stamina way above normal people and you..."
Faith picks it up here. "You screwed us until we couldn't walk. A normal guy struggles to last a few hours with 1 of us let alone a whole weekend with 2."
At that Clark receives a large clap on his back from Oliver. "Didn't know you had it in you Clark," he says sounding impressed at what Clark managed. Since they were part of the whole hero grapevine they knew about Slayers.
"Ollie!" Chloe shrieks in total abhorrence at Oliver's praise considering her cousin's heart just got broken.
At his girlfriend's look Oliver can see many a night stuck on the couch coming his way.
"So talk and explain just what the hell you are," Buffy demands to know since there was no way he could be human.
Clark runs his hand through his hair and loosens his tie. By now the church is virtually empty. It was a small wedding so it hadn't taken long for people to leave, the priest included. He lowers himself down to sit in the front pew. "You might want to sit. This could take awhile," he advises the two women who sit themselves down as Clark does the explainy bit.
"Damn!" Faith says after Clark finishes his story. That being her immediate reaction to learning he is an alien. She looks him up and down a few times which strictly speaking isn't necessary since in Vegas she explored every inch of his chiselled gorgeousness as he explored every inch of both her and Buffy. Her lips curve up into that self-satisfied sexy grin. "I told ya B. Can I pick them or can I pick them?"
"You can pick them alright Faith and by the way this is the last time I let you pick them or in fact the last time I let you suggest how we spice up our sex life full stop," Buffy tells the brunette.
At that Oliver's eyebrows rise significantly as images flood his brain. "You two are...?"
"Lovers," Buffy and Faith says together and they share a tender little kiss.
"We're bisexual in case you were wondering," Buffy answers what would be the next question.
"Oh yeah. Love a piece of man-meat every so often so B and I pick guys up, give them the time of their lives for one night and satisfy our own needs and desires. Perfect deal really," Faith explains.
"Until we met you," Buffy says pointing at Clark. "Just what the hell was in that drink you gave us?"
More images scream into Clark's brain. Oh god. His head drops into his hands. "It was the champagne. I still had the bottle."
"Explain," Buffy asks.
Clark takes another breath and explains the spiked champagne that he still had in his possession when he met Faith and Buffy and he gave them both a drink from it.
"Huh. We'll have to get the spell of that for Red," Faith remarks knowing Willow would love that spell and well so would she because damn that champagne gave her a hit she hasn't been able to enjoy since she became a slayer and the accelerated slayer metabolism kicked in.
This is a complete nightmare is the only thing Clark can think. The woman he loves is gone and he isn't sure how he can ever make this up to her or if he even can and now here he is with his two wives. "So where do we go from here?" Clark asks.
Buffy responds. "Well obviously an annulment is a start which needs all of us to agree to it."
Clark nods. He is just too emotionally shattered right now to do anything but agree.
"I don't know B. He is kind of pretty. You sure we can't keep him," Faith teases.
"Faith," Buffy slightly chastises. This is not the time for levity in her opinion.
"It was just a suggestion," Faith says lightly.
Buffy gets to her feet and places a supportive comforting hand on Clark's shoulder. She really hadn't intended to interrupt his wedding but this just happened to be the day they finally caught up to him after she and Faith woke up in Vegas alone. He had vanished off at some point while they were sleeping.
Clark looks up at her with sad soulful eyes. Damn. Those eyes are incredible. It makes Buffy think perhaps she should take Faith's idea of keeping him more seriously.
No. Best not although after what happened they will no doubt be staying in touch for some time to come. In fact they do exchange contact information so they can sort out this annulment.
"Well we better be going," Buffy says. "We'll be in touch."
Again all Clark does is nod.
"Oh but before we go we have something for you," she says and in front of Clark's eyes Buffy and Faith suddenly hold out two identical little sticks with a window and pink lines.
"Congrats. You're going to be a daddy," Faith tells him.
The images of him, Buffy and Faith play out in Clark's head. Two days in that hotel room...and no protection used. That's the final straw for Clark as his eyes roll back in his head and he falls to the floor unconscious in a dead faint.
"Wow. I always thought it would be me in this situation first," Oliver quips which earns him a slap across the back of the head from Chloe, a severe glare and in the end an entire month sleeping on the couch.
The End.
Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who has written reviews.