Chapter 1

Headache.

A pounding, stabbing headache in time with his own heartbeat.

That was the first thing Steve McGarrett noticed when he woke up. As soon as he could think clearly for the first time, he tried to figure out where this headache was coming from. Had he gotten drunk? Or was he struck down? He wanted to open his eyes, but his eyelids were as heavy as lead and he couldn't lift them.

He felt confused and his head just wouldn't clear. He couldn't say what the last thing he remembered doing was before he woke up here. Here. Where was he actually? He didn't feel like he was in his own bed. No, not his own, but a bed. He focused on the surroundings and the smell quickly told him that he was in a hospital.

He tried to open his eyes again and this time his eyelids cracked, but the light was so bright that he squinted them again and tried to get the flaring headache under control again and then continue with his analysis.

He was in the hospital, so he must have been injured. Maybe shot? He felt his body, tried to move individual parts of his body, but they were just as stubborn as his eyelids. They were heavy and didn't want to be moved. But they didn't hurt, like there was a bullet wound or a cut or a break or something else somewhere. The body felt heavy and weak, but also uninjured. Then why was he here?

Steve groaned softly and opened his eyes again, this time he was able to look around. A small single room with a window. A monitor next to the bed that kindly silently measured his vitals, an IV that provided him with a clear solution. He tried as best he could to look down at himself, but other than a blanket and a surgical shirt, he didn't see anything that would help him understand what was going on.

He looked for the hospital staff call button and finally pressed it. It took a surprisingly long few minutes before a nurse entered the room. She was middle-aged, with a stern bun and an even sterner face. "Ah, you're awake, I'll get the doctor," she said simply and turned around again.

"Wait," he tried to call her back, but his voice was just a dry croak and either she hadn't heard him or she didn't want to hear him. She disappeared through the door, leaving him with his questions.

It took forever for the door to open again.

"Commander McGarrett. How are you feeling?" the doctor asked him as he looked busily at the chart, waiting to see what he could write down.

"I… I don't know," he murmurs, his brow furrowed. "I have a headache. Otherwise… I feel… weak."

The doctor nods, writes something in the file and then looks up briefly. "That's nothing unusual," he says, shining a flashlight in his eyes unannounced.

Steve pinched them in shock and groaned in pain. Somehow he remembered his previous hospital treatments a little more gently. "What happened, doctor?" he now asks directly.

The doctor raised an eyebrow, exchanged a meaningful look with the nurse, and then sighed. "We have already informed the contact on file that you have woken up. I think we should let him explain what happened."

Steve was even more confused now. Contact? Why didn't the man just say what happened? "Doc, who is this contact? And what kind of injuries do I have? How long have I been here? What's this all about?" he continued to ask, becoming increasingly annoyed at the treatment.

"All in good time, Commander, keep resting." The doctor didn't say anything else and left the room despite Steve's protests. The nurse came back shortly afterwards in silence, gave him a cup with a painkiller and a glass of water and disappeared.

##### H50 #####

"Kelly?" he answered while sitting at the desk in HPD with his cousin, drinking coffee. His body straightened automatically and his brow furrowed increasingly as he said very little and finally ended the call with a "All right, I'll come over after work."

"What is it?" Kono wanted to know immediately.

"He woke up," Chin said simply and looked at her almost pained.

"And you want to go there?" Her voice cracked with bewilderment.

"Kono... he doesn't remember anything, says the doctor. Someone has to tell him." Chin's voice was somewhere between tension and compassion.

The young woman's dark eyes sparkled. "And why do you have to do that?"

He sighed quietly. "Kono, please. He made a mistake, a huge, unforgivable mistake, but… but I just owe him that, okay?!"

She raised her eyebrows and after a while she nodded reluctantly.

##### H50 #####

Steve had to wait hours until something happened again. If you left out the woman who brought him lunch but also didn't answer his questions. And the nurse who changed the IV and made a face like he wasn't Steve McGarrett but Hannibal Lecter or Jack the Ripper.

But now none other than Chin Ho Kelly came into his room and the Seal's face immediately lit up. But only for a second, because his colleague clearly didn't enjoy the visit either.

"Chin! "What's wrong?" he demanded immediately, before the police officer had even sat down.

"Hello Steve," he replied evasively. "Good thing you're awake."

Steve's brow furrowed deeply and if Danny were there he would be talking about his aneurysm face again. Danny! Why had Chin come and not Danny? What the hell had happened?

"Chin, please, what's wrong? There's something wrong here," he asked in a quieter voice.

The Hawaiian sighed and looked down at his hands. "What's the last thing you remember?" he finally asked.

Steve shook his head. "I don't know it. I've been thinking about it all the time. But somehow... there's nothing specific where I say everything went black after that or something like that. I don't know," he had to admit dejectedly.

Chin nodded thoughtfully. "Do you know what case we were working on back then?"

"BACK THEN? How long have I been here?" he interrupted angrily.

"Steve, you... you've been in a coma for over three months," Chin answered after a deep breath and studied the face that had now lost all its features. The doctors could have at least told him THAT.

"Three months? In a coma? What the fuck happened?!"

"One thing at a time, Steve. The case, do you remember that?" insisted Chin, who had been advised by the doctor to take him through the events bit by bit and give him the chance to remember for himself instead of just telling him everything.

The Seal was silent for a while, staring thoughtfully at the opposite wall. Then finally he said, "The car thieves, right? That was the case we were on. They were after luxury cars and stop at nothing in the process."

Chin nodded and watched him. That didn't seem to trigger any memories. So he sighed again and continued talking. "Correct. We were stuck in a dead end and couldn't get any further for two days..."

Steve snorted impatiently. "Jeez, Chin, now stop beating around the bush! What happened, why was I in a coma, why is everyone acting so strange towards me and where are Danny and Kono?"

Chin's face darkened. "Either we do it my way, or you can find someone else to explain it to you!" he snapped.

Surprised by his otherwise calm colleague's outburst, Steve blinked a few times in irritation. He didn't understand why Chin didn't just say what was going on, why he didn't answer the questions and most of all why he was so angry and tense. He finally nodded in resignation, not wanting anyone else to leave him in this room without answers.

Chin also nodded and collected his thoughts. "So, we didn't get any further with the investigation. And then you happened to see one of the thieves on the street and gave chase."

Steve's brows furrowed, sure enough, something in his head seemed to click. He remembered the moment he saw the man and turned the Camaro around and gave chase to the Porsche. Danny sat next to him and complained like a pig.

"You remember?" Chin tried to interpret the expression on his face. Apparently something came back, but it couldn't be everything. Then Steve would look differently. He pressed his lips together, only now REALLY realizing that he would be sitting here by the side when Steve realized what had happened. When he understood the full extent of it. Why hadn't he listened to Kono?

"Yes a little. I gave chase. Danny relayed this over the radio and was extremely upset. He wanted to leave it to the HPD," Steve slowly said what came to mind.

"If you had listened to him," Chin blurted out, sounding accusatory and dark.

Steve narrowed his eyes. This still didn't really make sense, he didn't understand all this anger. He tried to keep going through the chase in his mind. The images became more and more clear: They chased the suspect for several blocks, two patrol cars joined in, Danny complained even more and wanted them to break off and let them pursue them. Steve didn't want to. Then a scream. And nothing more.

"Did we have an accident?" he asked thoughtfully. He didn't remember an accident, but how else would a chase turn into sudden darkness?

Chin nodded, his eyes taking on a suspicious gleam.

"Oh God," the Seal suddenly felt, his heart pounding painfully in his chest. "Danny?" Is Danny… is he… is he… dead…?!"

Chin shook his head, but still closed his eyes in shock.

Steve wanted to jump up, but his weakened body wouldn't let him. Something bad must have happened. "Is he okay? I mean, was he hurt?"

"Steve, he… he got hurt, yeah, he got hit hard too. The physical wounds have all healed now…" Chin sighed and took a break.

In those seconds, all sorts of thoughts flashed through Steve's mind. If Chin emphasized physical wounds, what wounds had not healed? What could be wrong with Danny? Had he perhaps suffered a trauma, panic attacks or something? Or lost his memory? Or maybe he had some nasty, visible scars on his face? What happened to Danny?

The Hawaiian took a deep breath and finished his sentence: "...But he'll never be 'okay' again, Steve." It hurt him incredibly to say that. But still not half as painful as the many hours he had spent sitting with Danny, listening to him, holding him through every collapse, trying to catch him as he fell uncontrollably into the abyss. Watching him become less and less Danny day by day, soon just a dark shadow of his former self.

"What happened?" Steve just whispered now. Chin's face and his words scared him.

"Steve, you…weren't alone in the car," the police officer finally said, and it took him endless effort.

And then the memory hit him like a merciless punch in the pit of his stomach. He instantly felt sick and the scream suddenly echoed in his ears. A high, childlike scream the moment he lost control of the Camaro.

Grace!

They had had to spontaneously pick her up from school because Rachel had sprained her ankle and couldn't drive. And then he saw the suspect on the way and chased him. And Danny had been bitching and nagging him to slow down immediately and call off the chase or let the HPD do it because they had Grace in the car. But he was so frustrated and didn't want to let this opportunity go to waste after two days of no investigation, and he was also so confident in his driving skills. And then he lost control in a curve, the car skidded, hit the tires on a curb and took off. Then just blackness.

"Grace?" he whispered in a shaky voice and could barely look at Chin.

He got up heavily from the chair and had to take a deep breath to get his emotions under control. "She died instantly," he said quietly. He briefly squeezed Steve's shoulder. "I know you didn't want that." With that he left the room.

##### H50 #####

Steve didn't know how long he had been crying. For hours, his weakened body was wracked with sobs, incomprehensible mumbled mentions of her name escaped his mouth, his memory painted images of her in his mind's eye.

At some point, exhaustion took hold of him and dragged him into a restless sleep, tormented by memories of the chase and the accident. Then he woke up, realized that although it was a nightmare, it was true and it started again.

It felt like he was on fire. The pain burned so deeply in his heart, his entire body, the guilt ate into every cell and consumed him inside. Grace was dead. That alone would be enough of a reason for a total breakdown, but HE had killed her. In his overestimation of himself, HE had killed her and torn her from her parents' arms.

He couldn't begin to imagine what that had done to Danny. Chin's words echoed in his head that Danny would never be okay again. Certainly not. His (former!) best friend had taken his daughter, his everything, his lifeblood, his entire world away from him. The pain had to consume him and there would be nothing that could ease it.

Except maybe...

Steve blinked in confusion and was suddenly surprised that he was still alive. That Danny hadn't beaten him to death or shot him out of anger and a desire for revenge as soon as he got the first opportunity. He knew him well, so well and he would trust him under these circumstances without batting an eyelid.

And because he knew him so well, the new wave of how Danny must feel after the loss of his daughter, what Grace's death had done to him, hit him so cold and hard that it shook him again, he cried and screamed and the sadness and pain just became more instead of less, while no one in the entire hospital seemed to care and no one came in to check on him.

##### H50 #####