(Pony)
I don't want to wake up. I'm used to my nightmares tormenting me, scaring me something awful, but I've never had a dream so good that I don't want it to end when I wake up. A dream where I had a family that actually wanted me. Who cared about me and comforted me. I'm scared to wake up, scared to find I'd imagined the whole thing and I was actually back in some foster home, with an angry foster father and a social worker who couldn't care less about what happened to me. So I just lay here, warm under blankets, and try to will myself back to sleep, keeping my eyes shut like that might keep the dream locked in my head.
Something shifts next to me, pulling the blankets off of me a bit. I freeze, trying to remember why there would be someone else with me. Unless….maybe the dream was true? The pictures and the park. The discovery that I haven't really been alone all this time. That the brother Darry and Soda had been desperately searching for had really been me all along.
I still can't really believe that it's true. My over active imagination probably conjured the dream up because I was so scared of being on my own and so jealous of the brothers and how much they cared for each other. How I desperately wanted someone to care about me the way Darry cared about his brothers.
A leg brushed against mine as the body next to me stretches, and I hear Soda sighing a bit in his sleep. Soda was still here! It wasn't a dream after all!
I crack my eyes open. I'm in the bedroom. I had wanted to go back to sleep on the couch where I had been staying but Darry and Soda had convinced me to take the third bedroom. The bedroom that was waiting for their missing brother. It felt like I was intruding, like I didn't belong. I know I wasn't what they were expecting. They probably didn't think that their brother would be some pathetic kid, on the run from a monster and wrapped up in something way over their head. They probably weren't expecting the bruises still on my face or the scars they couldn't see that were littered across my body. And yet, they both seemed to accept me. To maybe actually want me. Nobody's wanted me in such a long time, I don't even remember what it feels like.
Soda is still in the bed sleeping next to me and I scoot myself a little closer to him, relishing the warmth and safety that seem to radiate from him. I felt terrible that I had woken them up with my nightmare last night but they had both been real understanding. I hadn't been too sure when Soda had offered to stay with me last night. Usually after my nightmares I just try and stay awake to avoid pissing off whoever I'm staying with even more with another bad dream. But Soda had seemed sincere in wanting to help me and I was feeling really spoked, I really didn't want to be alone. Having Soda stay with me had calmed me down more than anything ever has after a nightmare. His gentle hand on my shoulder and comforting presence made me feel safe. Like he would protect me from the nightmares, from anything. He made me feel safe enough to admit, under the cover of darkness, that I was happy to have him as my brother.
I lift my head a bit off of the bed to look at the clock. It's a little after eight. Darry probably left for work already. I don't know if Soda has work today or not, I don't really know his schedule and I don't remember if he mentioned working today or not.
I hear a noise outside the door, sounding like it came from the kitchen. I feel my body stiffen up in fear, worried about who might be out there. I know Darry's friends tend to come and go through this house and I try and convince myself it must just be one of them out there. A gasp escapes me when I hear a cabinet slam out there. It must wake Soda up because he groans and then rolls over to face me.
"You okay, Pony?" he asks, his eyes still shut.
"Yeah. I just heard something out in the kitchen" I whisper, scared to alert whatever might be out there to my presence.
Soda must hear the apprehension in my voice because he opens his eyes and looks at me. He shoots a hand out and ruffles my hair, chuckling when I try and unsuccessfully dodge his hand.
"Probably just one of the boys, scrounging up some breakfast" he assures me.
I nod, feeling better that Soda isn't nervous.
A soft knock on the door and Darry appears as he slowly opens the door.
"You two awake in here?" he asks softly.
"Nope, we're still sleeping" Soda answers, smiling as he sits up with his back against the headboard. I sit up next to him, pulling the blanket over my lap.
Darry rolls his eyes as he comes to sit on the edge of the bed with us. He isn't dressed yet, still wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt.
Soda must notice this also because he asks, "Don't you got work today, Dar?"
"Got rained out. This storm just won't let up" Darry answers, glancing at the dark skies out the window.
"Wish I would get rained out of work tonight" Soda grumbles.
"I wish I hadn't been. We need the money, and it's already a short work week with the holiday on Friday. I'll have to make it up one of these weekends"
"Holiday?" I ask, surprised that it was already that time of year. I hadn't really been paying attention to the dates lately, too many other things going on.
"Yeah it's almost Christmas!" Soda bounces on the bed in his excitement, making me laugh at how excited he sounds.
"Not until Saturday, Soda. We still got a few more days" Darry says, but he's smiling too.
"We need to decorate. Get a tree and everything!" Soda declares.
"I think we can manage a tree and some decorations" Darry agrees.
"We need to make it extra special, since it's our first Christmas all back together" Soda says, slinging an arm around my shoulder and pulling me to him in a one armed hug.
I hadn't realized Christmas was just a few days away. I wanted to get presents for Darry and Soda, something really special. I didn't know how I would manage that when I was basically under house arrest but I'd think of something. It was the least I could do after all that they'd done for me.
"I'll see what decorations I can pull out of the attic today since I'm off now. We can decorate when you get home from work tonight. You go in at three?"
"Yep"
"You guys hungry? I made breakfast" Darry says, standing and gesturing toward the kitchen.
I nod, and swing my legs off of the bed. I am hungry, my stomach almost used to having been fed consistently over the last few days. While I was hungry now, I wasn't hungry like I usually was. The deep, gnawing, aching hunger that I'd gotten accustomed to over the last few months. My stomach has been well fed since I've been staying with Darry. He was actually a pretty good cook and he always made plenty of food for every meal. He even let me eat seconds if I wanted to.
Me and Darry head to the kitchen while Soda stumbles off to the bathroom.
"I made your favorite, french toast" Darry says, smiling proudly at the stack of french toast on the kitchen table.
I don't remember this being my favorite. I honestly don't remember ever eating french toast. But Darry put in all this work to make it and the heavenly smell wafting towards is making my mouth water so I shoot him a grin as I sit down at the table.
"Thanks Darry"
Soda joins us at the table, slathering his french toast in syrup. "Mom used to make this for breakfast on Saturdays, remember? Even when we'd beg for it during the week she'd only do it on Saturdays"
"Well we all had quite the sweet tooth. I remember you and Pony tried to convince her to have cake for breakfast one time" Darry recalls with a smile.
I don't remember any of that but Darry and Soda seem to reminisce over the memory fondly. Tears burn my eyes, why can't I remember anything?
"Pony? What's wrong?" Darry asks, noticing the tears I'm trying to blink away.
"I just.. I really don't remember anything. I'm sorry" I hate the way I'm starting to get worked up so I bite hard on my lip, trying to stop the tears from forming.
"Hey" Soda soothes, "You don't have to be sorry. We ain't mad at you for not remembering. You were just a little kid"
"And we'll help you. We can help you remember and even if you can't then that's okay too. We can tell you anything you want to know, okay?" says Darry.
They are both looking at me so sincerely it makes me want to cry. To avoid having to talk against the lump in my throat, I just give them a grateful nod.
"What do you want to know, Pony?" Darry asks gently.
"What..what were their names?" I ask, hating how my voice wavers on the question.
Soda gives me a soft smile as he answers. "Darry is named after Dad, they have the same name, Darrell Curtis. And mom's name was Elisabeth".
Darrell and Elisabeth. The names are soothing to me, like putting balm onto a burn.
"How'd they die?"
"A car crash. The guardrail was broken and a train hit them" Darry answers, his voice soft like he's worried about scaring me.
"Oh" I say, thinking everything over. I look up at Darry, "You look like Dad. From the pictures"
Soda lets out a small laugh, "They could be brothers with how similar they look!"
Darry rolls his eyes "Soda acts more like him though. They're both wild, energetic…crazy" He shoves Soda's shoulder, who just laughs at being called crazy.
"Mom was a little wild too, in an artsy way" Darry continues "She was always painting and redecorating. She was real gentle too, never raised her voice. But she could shoot you a look so icy it'd freeze you to your bones".
I like talking about mom and dad. Even though I don't remember them, it's nice having these questions answered that I've wondered about my whole life.
The front door opens, slamming loudly making me jump. Darry grits his teeth and I try to hide my smile that I already know he's gonna yell about not slamming the door.
He does just as Dallas slinks into the kitchen, another boy following him. I haven't seen this boy before but he drops into the seat next to Soda like he owns the place, pulling a piece of french toast off of the stack and biting into it.
"Hey Steve" Soda greets.
Dallas snags a piece of french toast also, leaning against the counter top. He gets straight to the point.
"I talked to Tim Shepherd. We gotta cop who we both think would actually help. Seems decent enough, for a cop" Dallas says, holding out a card to Darry.
"Thanks Dallas" Darry says, and then he looks at me, "It's more important than ever that we get this taken care of"
Dallas scoffs, "Why?"
Darry and Soda share a look and then both look at me.
Darry starts "Well, you see the kid isn't just some runaway foster kid, he's-"
"He's Ponyboy!" Soda interrupts excitedly, sharing his movie star grin with everyone at the table.
Steve looks up at me, looking at me critically. Dallas raises an eyebrow.
"Your brother Ponyboy?" Steve asks.
"Yep" Soda answers happily.
"I thought you said your name was Philip" Dallas says, his eyebrow still raised at me suspiciously.
"I..I did" I answer, uncomfortable with all the attention on me, "I didn't want to give my real name, in case Mr. Moore came looking for me"
Dallas hums. "How'd you figure out he was your brother?" Steve asks, looking at Soda.
"It's a long story that we don't have to get into right now" Darry says, saving me from having to rehash everything and bring all my doubts back up to surface. I shoot him a grateful smile that he returns.
"What the hell kind of name is Philip? Couldn't think of a better name?" Dallas asks.
I shrug, "It's the name of the kid in the book I was reading, Great Expectations . Was the first one that popped into my head"
"Ain't the kid's name Pip in that?" Steve asks around a mouth full of french toast.
"Holy cow, you telling me you actually read a book there, Stevie?" Soda knocks Steve with his elbow.
Steve pushes his elbow off, "I didn't read it! I skimmed it for school". Steve tackled Soda off of his chair, the two of them rolling around on the kitchen floor. I'd seen lots of kids fight in different group homes and foster homes, but I could tell they weren't really fighting. I'd never seen anyone fight playfully like that before, it was always with the intention to hurt the other person. But watching Soda and Steve roughhouse, it honestly looked kind of fun.
Dallas rolled his eyes as Soda and Steve took their fight to the living room. Then he looked at Darry, "Johnny crash here last night?"
Darry shook his head, "Nope. Why, he okay?"
"Damn" Dally cursed. "I heard his parents going at it last night when I was leaving Two Bit's. Hopefully that god damn kid beat it out of there before they started after him."
I felt nervous for my friend. The day the two of us had spent at Dally's had been real nice. Johnny was quiet but he reminded me a bit of Sodapop, a real good listener.
"Maybe he went to Two Bit's after you left. He's crashed on his sofa before, when it's too cold to stay outside."
Dally pushed himself off of the counter in a huff, "Yeah. I'll go check over there. Maybe see if he's at the lot"
Darry nodded, "Bring him by for dinner tonight after you find him. I'll make enough for everyone"
Dally nodded, flipping the collar of his jacket up on his neck, "Sounds good. Later Darry, later little Curtis". He hollered a goodbye at Soda and Steve who were still trying to get each other into a headlock.
"Johnny's parents…they hit him?" I ask Darry.
He sighs, "Yeah sometimes. His dad is an asshole who takes his problems out on his own kid."
I stare down at the kitchen table. It's real awful to have a foster parent hit or beat on you, but I can't imagine being beat on by an actual parent.
"Let's go turn on the tv, see if we can get those knuckleheads to settle down a little, okay?" Darry asks, guiding me out of my chair and into the living room. Darry turns on the tv and then sits down in his recliner. I settle onto the far edge of the couch, pulling the blanket over my feet because they're cold from icy ground. Soda and Steve have stopped their wrestling match and are both laying on their stomachs as Soda flips through the TV channels, debating on what to watch.
A knock on the door made me jump. In all the time I'd been staying here, I'd never heard anyone knock on the door. I could tell by looking at Darry that it wasn't normal, he looked almost nervous. But the look was gone in an instant, he looked at me and gave me an encouraging smile.
He walked over to the door and looked through the peephole.
"Shit" he hissed out. My head snapped towards him. I don't think I'd heard Darry cuss either.
"What's wrong?" Soda asked, also whispering.
"There's a cop outside. Doesn't look like a Tulsa uniform either."
A pit of fear settled in my stomach. It must be him. Officer Moore. Oh my god, how did he find me?
A knock sounded again. Darry looked wildly around the room, "Just a minute!" he called.
A hand grabbed me roughly by the arm, yanking me off of the couch.
"C'mon kid. We'll hide out in the back" Steve whispered.
"Don't let him out of your sight Steve!" Soda whispered harshly as he went to join Darry by the door.
With Steve dragging me, we ran down the hall towards Darry's bedroom, shutting the door quietly as I heard the front door open. Steve tried to pull me further into the room but I stopped by the door, planting my feet.
I froze, pressing my ear against the door, desperate to hear what was happening.
"Hi Officer" Darry said, sounding calm and grown up.
"Hello, are you Darrell Curtis?" a low voice asked. I recognized that voice, it sent goosebumps up and down my arms. Officer Moore was here, in my living room!
"Yes sir, that's me"
"Well, I'm sorry to bother you on your day off. I spoke to your foreman yesterday about needing to talk to his crew about a crime in the area of your worksite. I would have just come by the site but seeing as it was rained out today, I'm making a few house calls"
"A crime, sir? I don't think I know anything about that" Darry says. I try to picture him out there. He'd be standing tall and tough, not cowering or backing down to Officer Moore.
"It seems a kid ran away from home out there by your work site. Sounds like he broke into a few houses and stole some real valuable things over the weekend. Did you see anything suspicious? A kid looking like he didn't belong?"
My heart is pounding in my chest and I feel my breathing start to pick up. Steve, who is standing across from me with his own ear pressed against the door, reaches out and gives my arm a hard squeeze. I think he maybe meant it to be comforting but it actually kind of hurt.
"No Officer, I can't say I did. I wasn't at the work site all weekend, just left Friday afternoon and came back Monday morning. I didn't see any kids hanging around"
"You work there too, son"? Officer Moore asks.
"No sir, that's my younger brother." Darry answers coolly.
There's a long pause. I wish I could see what was happening out there. I'm almost scared that Officer Moore is coming down the hallway, about to wrench the door open and send me toppling to the floor.
"Well if you see anything, give this number a call. We're trying our best to get the poor kid home, back where he belongs" Officer Moore drawls.
"I will. Thank you, sir" Darry says. I hear the front door close but I don't make any move to come out of the bedroom. What if it was a trick? What if Officer Moore is still in the living room, waiting for me to come out and drag me back to that awful place?
Footsteps approach down the hall and I backpedal away from the door. Steve stands up too, straightening his spine and planting his feet, but he relaxes as soon as Soda opens the door.
"You good?" Soda asks, looking at me.
I'm not. I'm shook up and scared and all I want to do is run until I can't run anymore. But I don't say that, I just nod and follow Soda and Steve back out to the living room where Darry is peering out the front window.
"Is he gone?" I ask him.
Darry turns around and the hard expression on his face softens a bit. "He's gone. That was him right? Your foster father's brother?"
I'm too nervous to talk so I just nod.
But even though I'm nervous, I need to clear something up, "I didn't steal anything".
"I know you didn't" Darry reassures me, his hand giving my shoulder a gentle squeeze.
We settle back in the living room, Soda and Steve take their spots on the floor again, leaning their backs against the coffee table and Darry joins me on the couch, turning his head to glance out the window every few minutes.
"He looked at me funny. Like he was studying my face or something" Soda says, shaking his shoulders like he was uncomfortable.
"He probably just saw the resemblance. Thought you looked like the kid" Steve answers.
"I guess" Soda shrugged.
I felt myself light up a bit despite all the nervousness I was feeling. "You think I look like Soda?"
Steve scoffed, "Sure. Like a puny version of him with sissy hair".
Soda whacked Steve on the back of the head but I couldn't even be mad at him for the crack about my hair. I knew my hair was lousy but I lookedlike someone. And someone looked like me. Someone would see the two of us and know we were brothers, know we belonged to each other.
Darry sent him a glare too before looking at me, "You two have always looked alike. Especially when you were little". He sighs and runs a hand through his hair, "I should've recognized you right off the bat" he says sadly.
Seeming like he wants to avoid this conversation again, Soda asks, "You gonna call that other cop now, Darry? Since this one is sniffing around?"
Darry runs his hand through his hair again and I kinda worry he might go bald soon if he keeps this habit up.
He pulls two cards out of his pocket. One has the number of the cop from Dallas and the other must be the card Officer Moore just gave him.
"Yeah. I think I have to. It's the only way to clear up this mess so Pony can come home for good"
Soda nods.
"Why don't you guys start pulling down the boxes with the Christmas stuff from the attic while I give this cop a call?" Darry suggests.
Soda and Steve hop up and head down the hall towards the attic, pushing and shoving each other as they go. I hesitate before following them, watching Darry as he turns the card over and over in his hand.
"Is everything okay?" I ask him nervously.
He looks over at me, "It will be, I promise"
"Do you really think this cop is gonna help me?"
"I hope so. But even if he doesn't, I'll figure something out. I'll make sure the Moore's are taken care of so that we can get you home" Darry promises.
I think about all of the people who have broken their promises to me. I don't really believe people when they promise to help me, I've been hurt and left too many times before. But looking at Darry, at how sincere and determined he looks, I know I can trust him. He'll keep his promise to me.
I dart across the couch and give him a hug. It's a bit awkward because of the angle and because he wasn't expecting it, but he shifts himself over and then wraps me up in his arms.
A crash sounds down the hallway, making us break apart to look and see what happened. Soda is laughing maniacally and Steve is covered in dust and coughing up a storm.
Darry groans and I can't help but let out a small laugh.
"Can I trust you to supervise those knuckleheads while I make this phone call?" he asks me.
"I can try my best"
"Thanks kiddo" Darry says, giving me a soft shove in their direction.
I head down the hall towards my other brother and his friend. Steve's legs are dangling from the attic opening while Soda is laughing from on top of the step stool he moved.
"Hey Pony, come to help?"
"Yep"
Steve drops loudly from the opening. "You're getting the rest of the boxes from up there Sodapop" he says, sounding angry. Soda doesn't let it phase him, just drags the step stool back and climbs up and starts handing boxes off to me and Steve.
I open one to look at what's inside. There's a green wreath with red plaid bows and fake white snow. I'd never really cared about Christmas, or any other holiday really. But for the first time I can remember, I'm actually excited for Christmas. I'm excited to decorate and celebrate with my brothers. Hefting the box up to carry into the living room, I think things are finally looking up for me.