Don't we all love the scene where Meredith and Derek gets Zola? I know!
I have barely watched any Grey's anatomy since about season… eight, nine- ish. When Derek died I gave up on it. But I was never into it like with ER and some other series.
I think that I've found ways to make everything make sense. At least everything I know…. Oh well, I had this idea and I really liked it so I just had to start writing.
…We'll be okay, just the two of us. If that's what you want…
How could I have ever said something like that?
How could I have ever even thought something like that?
Both I and Meredith must have known all along that we would never again be anywhere near okay if it wasn't along with the dark-skinned, curly- haired bundle wrapped in a big, pink blanket in my arms.
And we must have known it more than ever when her caseworker spoke the loveliest of words we had ever heard.
She's yours
In all of that, all of this nothing else mattered than the dark-skinned little figure that seemed all calm. And didn't know anything about the storms of feelings that was going on all around her. She didn't know how loved she was, how loved she had been since the first time I held her- or maybe she had…
Maybe there was something that had made her stop crying the very first time I held her…
Did she know that she was staying with us now? Did she remember her biological mum? How long would it take before she got that Meredith would be the one she would call mum… some time from now.
Had she known this whole evening that I wasn't even tired or hungry after forty eight hours of neither eat nor sleep. Neither seemed like anything important anymore, not as long as I held her in my arms.
"Sch, Zola." I rocked her carefully in my arms where I sat up in my bed with my back against the wall. "Sch, sch, sch. There's no need for you to wake up." I sent a look to my side and Meredith who had fallen asleep on her side of the bed. Had I really ever thought I loved her? Or any other person? Because none of anything else I had ever felt was anything near what I felt when I looked down on the little, little girl in my arms.
Wasn't I about to have a heart attack? Was it possible for anyone to feel like this without breaking?
And would there be a way for us to get through this night without me breaking Zola into pieces?
"Sch." I shushed carefully and rocked her, Zola was whimpering in her sleep and seemed to almost be waking up. "Sch, sch, sch…" She whimpered again and I brainstormed- even I must know some lullaby. "Hush, little baby don't say a word…" I sang as loudly as I dared not to wake Meredith up. "And now I only know that line na-na-na…." I kept rocking Zola in my arms, towards my chest, as carefully as I dared- shouldn't either of us break?
Why hadn't I cared to learn any lullabies for moments like this? It seemed Zola silent and went back to sleep but only as long as I sang and I only knew that melody…
Almost all hidden behind the pink blanket and her dark braids was the scar from her surgery. It would soon enough become as good as invisible. But I knew it was there, it would always have to be there and as if I could heal her, I bent my neck slightly and touched the scar with my lips.
"…Daddy wants to protect you from any pain in the world…
I kept humming on that one line while Meredith slept next to me. She looked up for a second, but she was overtaken by almost forty-eight hours awake and looking towards Zola was the last thing she did before she fell back asleep.
Would I be able to ever fall asleep again? Or eat? Or go to work?
I would gladly have frozen time here and now.
Would I be able to do anything else than to sit like with Zola sleeping in my arms. While I tried to remember the lyrics to a song. Any lullaby there must be somewhere in my mind.
Hush little baby don't say a word
I sang again and smiled to myself- carefully not to break anything while another line hit me. The most obvious and important one of all.
Daddy wants to give you everything on earth
Random fact
The way Derek is sitting cradling and singing to Zola was actually based on reality. I had one of my nephews sleeping next to me, he started whimpering and opening his eyes. So instead of shouting for my sister I started singing on a hymn called du är en bön (you are a prayer). And little V fell right back asleep.
Then, when I was in church the next time and the pastor shouted out "Hymn number 762, you are a prayer" that moment was the first one I was reminded of.