Take Me Back to Eden

by OhhTaylorJade

"Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love." - Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov.

20. Chapter 19: When The Party's Over

TRIGGER WARNING: I have two important things to state before you all continue further with the first being that as someone who practices the Craft, I would 1000000% advise anyone trying to replicate a Cord Cutting spell to NOT do so, unless you're taking guidance from someone well experienced. While the actual ceremony itself is not the whimsical and magical scene displayed here, the emotions that follow can be very real when you purge. Not to mention, if you don't know what you're doing (and not using a simple Google search which I also don't recommend for beginners) the effects of the spell can back fire BADLY. If you're curious, I can provide resources, but other than that please don't attempt.

The second, and probably the most important, warning is that this chapter depicts domestic violence, verbal and emotional abuse, sexual manipulation/coercion, alcohol usage and sexual self-harm related topics. I have put (***) as a way to notify when the scenes start, and when they end. The story is rated M for a reason. Enjoy!

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Chapter Nineteen: When The Party's Over

"But nothin' is better sometimes
Once we've both said our goodbyes
Let's just let it go
Let me let you go"

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Maeve's P.O.V.

"Do you understand that Aurora went to the Order just because we thought you were missing? We had Jethro running up and down all through Hogsmeade, I searched all around this castle—high and low—looking for you! Next thing I know Aurora's coming back to tell us you were spotted in Diagon Alley with that idiotic Minister of ours, and—and—that diabolical hag! We've been looking everywhere for you, Elowyn, and here you come running back trying to hide—clothes, and a–a cat?" After pacing back and forth I turned to point at the face with yellow and green eyes of a creature that I could barely consider a regular feline but thought maybe a very small Kneazle. Today's absurdity and panic-inducing events were all enough to be difficult to process, but to understand that my child came back loaded with goodies and an animal was just as asinine as learning that she had been with Ministry personnel.

What didn't help in the stress of everything was resorting to running to Severus for help, which only did so much since the Bloody Barron had reported that Elowyn had managed to find her way back into the castle.

"Just what were you thinking? Were you trying to give us a heart attack?!"

"No!" Elowyn looked desperate between the three adults before her, "I asked to come and tell you all, but Umbridge told me it wasn't necessary because I was going with them! I–I just knew I would be safe—"

"Safe?" Aurora spoke, and though her usual role in these disciplining situations remained as the voice of reason, I could hear her critical tone clearly that even Elowyn had managed to bring out her scolding, "On paper, they could be just that to the world, but you do not know them as we do. Umbridge specifically has always had it out for us, Elowyn, and going off with her like that she could—could—twist it into portraying that we're unfit to take care of you or—or—" Aurora held her hands up, looking to me as she tried to juggle for some way to explain herself. She wasn't exactly fashioned on scolding the way I was.

"Justify removing our position or removing you from us!" I answered heatedly while placing my hands on my hips looking back to Elowyn who looked troubled at our words.

"I mean, why did they even take you out, and why would they…?" Aurora gestured broadly to the bags and carrier that sat on one of the front desks in the Potion's classroom.

Elowyn kept her sights down as she took a deep breath, "They—They said they wanted to reward me for my accomplishments—"

"What accomplishments?" I asked, impatience showing. I knew my child was smart, I knew she was able to accomplish so much anyway, but what could warrant this type of treatment?

"My grades, and ability…" Elowyn swallowed as she dared to look up at me, Aurora, and Severus.

Scoffing, I shook my head and blinked at her in amazement, "I find it very hard to believe they'd buy you all of this because you're exceptionally talented," I stated curtly, seeing the sting in her eyes I quickly tried to mend, "Though I won't say you don't deserve the world, as I've told you time and time before, Elowyn you have to understand that your actions and what you're telling us aren't adding up!"

"Would this have anything to do with your ruse at the Great Hall some time ago, Beaumont?" Severus cut in with a tone that I would consider much calmer than mine. It sounded almost amused if I had to describe it, with a hint of accusation. I looked up to Severus who did not break his eye contact with the girl before me, and I wondered if he was using mind magic on her. If that were the case…

Elowyn's eyes widened before she quickly shook her head but said nothing. She bit her lip as I looked over to Aurora who had the same suspicious look in her eyes before looking back to our adoptive daughter.

"Elowyn," The parental warning tone made me feel older than my years as I took a step forward to her, eyes narrowed while folding my arms as Elowyn's wide eyes stared up at me, eyes furrowing in worry. The cat growled lowly while its bushy, fluffy tail swished back and forth widely, but I did my best to ignore the animal. "What does Severus mean by 'ruse'?"

"I–I don't–"

"To refresh your… memory," Severus spoke slowly as he took a few steps to stand next to me, exuding his intimidating stature and persona over her, "the little plan you've concocted with Potter, Granger, and the Weasleys?" Severus raised his eyebrows to challenge Elowyn.

'Plan?!' I thought to myself.

I looked between the two as Elowyn's astonishment mixed with her confusion stared up at Severus's amusement combined with his stern sneer. I turned to look back at Aurora's dumbfounded expression that met my equally perplexed sights before turning back to Elowyn. She held up her hands to try and brace us, "Okay, so yeah, I know what you're talking about, but how do you know that?"

"You're in no position to be questioning me, Beaumont," Severus answered with no hint of accepting foolishness from her. "Remember… where you stand."

Elowyn looked between the three of us, before slumping her shoulders and exhaling deeply with defeat, "I just … I thought it would be a good idea to try and… get close to Umbridge to… spy on her."

I closed my eyes, mouth gapped at her words that I tried to process but found difficulty in believing what I heard, before slowly opening my eyes in narrowed slits to see the still petrified expression on her face, "... What?"

"Are you out of your mind? You've got to be joking!" Aurora cried while putting a hand over her chest.

"No, I'm serious!" Elowyn seemed to have found a stroke of confidence, "Ever since she came here it's been horrible!" Elowyn took a step forward as she looked between Aurora and me, "I've told you how she's setting us up to be vulnerable against this war, and I'll be damned if I can't fight back somehow—"

"You foolish little girl!" Severus snarled, "You think it's just so easy to play pretend against your elders? You don't have any kind of comprehension of the danger you're putting yourself—your guardians—in! What in the bloody nine hells do you think you can accomplish by getting on that toad of a woman's good side!?"

I put a hand on Severus's shoulder to try and reel him in from how loudly he was shouting, but even then, it didn't make Elowyn shrink back. If anything, it pushed her forward.

"I'll have you know I've gathered quite a bit after today, thank you very much, they took me for a 'foolish little girl' by buying me all this stuff just so they could ask me to spy on Harry! They were the ones eating out the palm of my hand, Professor!" Elowyn's sarcasm only amplified the more she yelled back, glaring through her brows up at her teacher with her darkened eyes while huffing. "Her, and the worst of the Slytherins, think that I'm on their side and I can tell they underestimate me—so I play it to my advantage. If I act so clueless and innocent, they'll talk more about themselves than they realize! I can do what you can for our cause—"

I stared at Elowyn and contemplated what she had said. I was livid with her decisions and lying, I was furious that she would subject herself to such an idea not to mention how she undermined the work that Severus was put through. She thought this would be easy, that she considered herself invincible to the consequences that could come from this. On the other hand, I hated to admit to myself, that it was impressive she had gathered that much trust in those she sought to betray.

'She came up with this… all by herself? It's worked, even?' I thought to myself, staring her down as she continued to glare at Severus.

"You have it all figured out then?" Severus mocked in a dangerously low tone, "You make them believe one thing just to do another and call it sleuthing? You have no idea what I have to do, and I can tell you it takes more than tall tales to deceive someone like Him with greater power!" He scoffed, "Your confidence is starting to look a lot like arrogance—"

"Enough, Severus!" Aurora, to my surprise, shouted before stepping between the two with her hands facing the student and professor. I watched as her normally soft, and kinder eyes flared with intensity that I had rarely, if ever, seen. She turned back to Elowyn, and I moved to watch how she put her hands on her hips and remained wide-eyed with lividity.

"You're lucky we're focused on this, and we'll absolutely have a talk about your lying, but Elowyn! You're fifteen years old, Elowyn Asteria! You can't just put yourself in harm's way—they have connections you have no idea about, and not to mention Delores Umbridge has this vendetta against me and Maeve; it's personal, not just professional, ever since we've met her! She's always rejected us for our abilities, so why do you think you'd be different—if not more targeted?!"

Elowyn looked down for a moment while pulling away to turn to one of her bags, "I'm s-sorry I lied, I am, that was hard to do, but I couldn't involve you. I-I can understand what you're saying, and I'm sorry I-I didn't realize that, but I think I can play into that too…" She turned around as she pulled out, to my bewilderment, a wand that she held closely to her chest.

Other than Aurora's small gasp the room had filled with silence. My eyes widened as I registered the intricate-looking wand of a matte black and light purple carving that she held before looking up with her apprehensive eyes. "It's mine, and it works."

"Does it?" I heard myself ask to meet her hopeful gaze as she gave me a soft smile, nodding.

'How could this be? How could they have found one for her? That hellish bint of a cow!' The thoughts ran around my mind trying to understand the image I was witnessing before me and wondered if I truly searched hard enough for her. Jealousy flared at the thought those crooked shit-heads were able to accomplish something we, her guardians, couldn't do.

"They could've cursed it," Severus stated before taking a step forward with his hand extended, but Elowyn was quicker to step back.

"It's not! I used it!" She exclaimed, her cat hissing at Severus from her cage. "It's mine! I–I know I'm unique and–and it is something I like, but for once I get to have–" I watched as she struggled to articulate her feelings.

"I won't take it, Beaumont," Severus explained in a tone I wouldn't call soft, but did his best to be considerate even as exasperated as he sounded, "I want to make sure it doesn't have anything attached to it, and then you can wave it around to your heart's content!"

"Elowyn," Aurora's calmer tone returned as she nodded to the wand in hand, "just let him make sure."

Elowyn looked at them as she seemed to contemplate their words for a moment before reluctantly, and slowly, handing Severus her wand.

'That'll take some time getting used to.' I thought to myself.

Severus laid the wand on the other desk before using his own to inspect it. The black and purple wand levitated, and with each charm to uncover any hidden tracking or curses, nothing showed up. Severus looked back at me and Aurora as we shared an expression of amazement and curiosity.

"They're probably trying to convert me," Elowyn finally spoke after a moment of silence, "they kept making comments about tradition, and what I should have as a witch like a familiar and a wand. Umbridge talked about setting me on the right path, and how my housemates would make better friends."

"... You know, we could've gotten you a cat, my Star." Aurora slumped her shoulders while sighing, looking at Elowyn with apologetic eyes.

"It was my indecisiveness, Aurora, don't worry about that." Elowyn pulled her mouth to the side while looking down, "Besides, I found… Circe?" Elowyn looked over to the cat who tilted her head before looking away with her little, whiskery, nose pointed to the air. "Guess she doesn't like that one much… Persephone?" Elowyn tried again before the cat turned back around and stood inside her carrier, giving a boisterous meow that made us all jump back.

"She's… quite vocal," Aurora commented while raising her eyebrow at the cat, who cared about nothing except her owner.

"She wasn't that loud in the store… I think," Elowyn tilted her head to the side while smiling. "But that's fine because Persephone is actually perfect for me!"

"Elowyn," I brought the attention back to myself as the teenage girl looked back at me, eyes filled with apprehension. "I think… we should entertain this idea."

"WHAT?!" Severus and Aurora exclaimed turning to stare at me, Aurora wide-eyed in her objection and Severus snarling in his disgust, but it did not startle me or make me back down from my stance. Elowyn's eyes brightened up along with her whole face.

"Don't get too excited—you brought this upon yourself and there's little we can do about it now!" I reprimanded, but her bright-eyed expression did not falter. Her smile was lax enough to seem more serious, but I could tell she was more pleased with getting her way. I looked back to Aurora to try and explain myself further.

"She's already gotten this far and seems to have infiltrated some trust with Umbridge and Fudge. They'll completely underestimate her every time she does what they want her to, only to gain even more trust and access. This will let us have an advantage of what Umbridge wants to try to do around the school, and Elowyn will report back to us… and not scheme with her friends anymore." I concluded while raising my brows with authority back to the girl who nodded quickly.

"Maeve, I don't think this is a good idea at all!" Aurora looked at me with confusion, "She could get herself into serious trouble with them—"

"We're already in serious trouble, Aurora." I calmly stated while folding my arms, "They're playing dirty, and they're already using her as a pawn. The only way to put her into more trouble would be to monitor what she's doing, and what they're asking of her—which at this point just sounds like they're trying to spy on Harry." I scoffed while rolling my eyes, "they've infiltrated the school but can't have enough eyes on the students," I muttered before looking back to Elowyn, "but you can't be too involved with this," I side-stepped Aurora to stare Elowyn down with a firm hold as she straightened up. "You can't get too caught up in this mission of yours, Star. You might need to, unfortunately, dumb yourself down at times—consider yourself incapable and prove that to her! She'll expect things from you if you do everything correctly, and that will put you into more devastating positions than just playing pretend with your friends. Not to mention, if you're caught…"

I raised my eyebrows to let my gaze, and her imagination, answer that portion. To scare her was an option that I felt would work well to deter her from making more extravagant choices on her own, and it wasn't far-fetched from the idea of what could happen. I knew we'd never let her get into such a position, but if it meant that she'd be more careful then so be it. She looked up at me as her eyes started to drop down with thoughts of all the consequences.

"So, you plan to use her as the same pawn?" Severus jabbed, and as I turned to look at his squinted, disturbed eyes and sneer of disgust I felt the flare of scrutiny hit me. "You'd set your own child up like this?"

"You do understand this has allowed us to talk to Umbridge about what she's done today, don't you?" I asked looking at him with a deadpan expression. "She may not like us, but with Elowyn being under our care, she can't ignore our wishes to remain in the castle. She'll know that our daughter is being watched, and if worse comes to worse we can…" I shrugged while staring into the dark and critical eyes of Severus, showing him several made-up images of throwing the woman into the Forbidden Forest.

He chuckled humorlessly, either from not finding my solutions comical or finding the explanation less than subpar for his taste, "Perhaps you're too invested in the idea of being a sleuth you'll subject Beaumont to it. It sounds like you're not so opposed to arming children for a war like I had thought!"

'Now, we're getting personal, are we?' I thought, not caring for him to hear my thoughts on the matter.

I narrowed my eyes at him before turning fully to him, seething at his audacious statement and no less in front of the two people I needed to keep that information from! "And perhaps you're not seeing the point, and would rather degrade her instead of trying to work out what's best for her—my daughter, might I add! "

Blotches of red started to appear on his face, and with his frustrations rising I could feel my own do the same. "I doubt she needs any help from you in how to keep secrets—she'll end up a stuttering mess trying to talk her way out of trouble!"

"I came to you and told you what happened—what the hell more do you want from me!?" I countered with a heated glare, feeling the wave of hurt in my chest mixing with the ire in my mind.

There was silence as Severus and I stared each other down, our chests heaving wildly while I felt the ringing and throbbing in my ears. For him to throw this in my face, both situations that had nothing to do with the present situation. The stare-off between us came to an end when a low grunt, more like a growl, came from him as he spoke

"Ramsey," His tone hardened, but did not release me of his captivating sights of rage, "take your ward to her dorm. Maybe you can talk some sense into her unlike this one." Gritting my teeth I could feel my lips press tightly as it took everything in me to control myself, not needing another thing to slip in front of my little family.

"C'mon, my Star," Aurora beckoned in a much calmer tone than she had before, grabbing Elowyn's bags while Elowyn grabbed the cat carrier to turn and leave the room. "Maybe we can finally see those merpeople…" I heard Aurora mutter to our adoptive child before the two exited the room once the silencing charms, and wards, had dropped. As soon as the door closed, the magic had returned to silence and lock the entrance, and Severus wasted no time in continuing the discussion.

"How could you be so senseless about this? She is not a ploy for you—"

"Oh, now we go back to that!" I raised my hands with my eyes to the ceiling, growling in frustration before turning back to him, "If we back her out now they'll know something's wrong!" I took a step closer to narrow my eyes up at him, his eyes staring down at me from his nose "She's already set herself up to be their eyes and ears, and if she all of a sudden step-down and pulls her back into her friends then she won't have to worry about just that little Slytherin gang, but Umbridge and the Minister!" I looked at him for some understanding, something for him to see that my hands were tied by the decision Elowyn had made. "I don't like this, Severus, I would hope you have more sense to know that I'd never want to put my child in harm's way. It's out of our control at the moment, and if she's going to fling herself in this mess, without my knowledge by making her own decisions, then I may as well make sure she's armed!"

Severus stared at me as the words had sunk in. His lips upturned in a sneer at having his hands tied in the situation, and even though I could tell I had the effect I needed, I knew he was finding a way to try to get around it.

"And how dare you bring that up front of them?" I hissed, "If you're trying to be petty, I can assure you, you've made the message clear. I'll have to do damage control just to ease myself of the interrogations I'm bound to get!"

"Fine!" He growled while flicking his eyes up to the ceiling before turning away, "Your point is made… Only on the aspect that she's immersed herself too much to do anything other than play her part." He spat as he walked to his desk to lean on it with one hand, his sights directed to the ground. "I'm not exactly a fan of Elowyn Beaumont aspiring to be like–" He cleared his throat and glared down at the contents of his desk.

I watched him carefully and let his words connect with the understanding of his outburst. Severus had seen the worst of what could happen when playing double agent, and to have someone like me becoming entangled in his mess. Now, to see a teenager who did not understand the ramifications of her actions, comparing herself to him as a way of justifying said actions, had to be the accumulation of his regrets, worries, and overall frustrations. Her combined naivety, reckless behavior, and my willingness to serve a cause I was needed for could only push him so far before he would break.

'He's always had a way of showing he cares enough through his temper, but it doesn't mean it's any less frustrating…' I thought while trying to remind myself to breathe through this. I also didn't blame him for being as upset as he was; it was just impossible to juggle rationality when I had him yelling the words and feelings I thought of as well.

"Look, I know this is just your way of looking out for her, Severus," I sighed while looking at him, "Our hands are tied at the moment, don't you think? I hate this as much as you do—probably more considering I'm watching my kid run off to… do something so stupid." I rolled my eyes as another round of irritation came over me, "At this point, we have to allow it, but I swear on Merlin she won't be helpless. It's better that we know…"

I watched him as he said nothing, his face hiding behind the curtain of inky black hair, but the hand by his side had curled into a fist that shook. I could only imagine how he felt; putting blame on himself, taking unnecessary responsibility for this when it was supposed to be just me, hating the added predicament that was already so troublesome. If anything, it could've been a shared moment between us that I wouldn't mind. I could understand all of what I assumed and felt was rather on point.

"I think you and I could understand that this was nothing any of us wanted for her," I said while taking a few tentative steps forward, "I get the feeling you'd want her to be some sort of successor, academics-wise." My comment was met with a scoff that had the hint of a chuckle, the light sway of his hair as he shook his head, and his fist lightly uncurled. Without much self-restraint and with great contemplation of my next move, I reached out to softly put my hand on his shoulder, "She'd never admit it, but I know she'd be appreciative, Severus."

I felt him stiffen under my touch, and after a lingering moment, I started to pull away, until his once-fisted hand had reached up to grab mine. With the weeks that had passed, I felt the longing for Severus had multiplied in that moment. The memories of needing him nearly every day, to just have the ability to hold him or even have a moment where I could touch him, had filtered the feelings of yearning. Regardless of all the animosity between us, I couldn't deny how much I wanted to forget the past. If only we could just sweep it all away, and start over every time we fought, or when another problem arose, but with the severity of the issues there was no plausible way. Finally speaking to him even with it feeling a bit forced was better than constantly avoiding or backing out at the rare chances to talk. I gave a saddened, small, smile to him as he turned to stand up straight and hold my hand and bring it up to his lips. They were warm and soft against my fingers, and the gentle action became overwhelming for me.

Thinking of the last time I had felt his touch brought up the memories of why we weren't on good terms and brought up the same regret and guilt that plagued me for weeks. I hated to think how any of that transpired between us. I couldn't stand myself, and as much as the harrowing feeling of not thinking I deserved him came forward, I couldn't help the selfishness of needing his comfort.

I couldn't stop myself. I had to be able to feel him, and I wanted him to feel me, too. The impulse to wrap my arms around him and bury my face into his chest took over logic and reasoning, but thankfully I was met with a similar action. Holding him close to me I breathed in his familiar earthy and smokey scent as arms came around me to press tightly against me.

"Severus, I'm so sorry!" I cried out, the words rushing out without much of a second thought, "I shouldn't know better, or–or done more to—"

"Are we going to always fight about who did the worst to each other?" Though I could hear the teasing in his low tone, I couldn't help but wonder if we were both destined to be martyrs for each other, "Selini, I should've…" He exhaled deeply before holding me tighter, "I should've had more faith in you."

I shook my head and looked up at him, "You had every right to be upset, Severus, please don't undermine what happened. I feel sick to my stomach about the whole thing." I looked downward, "You deserve more than what I did—or didn't do."

He brought up a hand to gently push my head back down to his chest, "I know how he is, Selini… I saw it."

The finality in his words explained no more of the mutual understanding. Regardless of his tender touch, and his wordless forgiveness, I couldn't let it end here. It wasn't enough, at least for my consciousness.

I pulled away once more to stare up at softened pools of void, and dared to speak about the one that had caused so much damage, "It made me realize a lot, you know… I thought I could be… better for you, Severus, but I'm starting to think maybe I'm…" Looking away it was hard to admit this in front of him, let alone looking at him. "I'm damaged goods. I'm terrified I'll end up ruining us both—but the thought of hurting you in any way like that—" My breath was hitching; the tears were prickling once more at the sensitive subject. I could barely find the right words to explain myself and my fears. Did it have to be this hard to explain to him my broken mind? To explain that I couldn't tell the difference between nurture versus nature in what ran amok inside of me?

Maybe it was easier if I just let him run around in my memories, and maybe then he'd understand why. To even be that vulnerable with him disturbed me deeply. With a soothing touch of his palm against my cheek that brought me back up to his gaze, I felt like I was looking up at the face of a patient God who didn't need to know it all.

"Selini Maeve, I've never seen you in a light that would ever perpetuate 'damaged goods'," His voice pleaded for me to understand, his eyes darting back and forth between mine to make sure I listened closely, "and I won't have you degrade yourself all because the actions of another. I… I thought I was helping you back then, or even now, from knowing me and my past." His eyes had flickered downward to my lips before looking back up to create contact, "I'm not versed on… being so—so—vulnerable with anyone. You're the closest one I could even get this far with. Then… Then to take it out on you… I've failed, and hurt you."

It seemed like a jumbled mess of deciphering where his thoughts and words met. I knew this about Severus and never questioned that he always put on a front to those around him. I always knew I had the insight to him more than most if not all that I could think of. For him to hide in the shadows was a defense just as much as his secrecy was, and in his own way that was how he thought he could keep things safe for me. It was all in vain of his error, but nonetheless, it meant he did what he only knew best. Eyebrows furrowing in sympathy and shaking my head I put a hand over his to press it firmly to my face, rubbing my thumb back and forth against the top of his hand. I wondered if he could absorb how I could not accept his self-sacrificing.

"You and I have waltzed around the subject of our personal lives, " I started, "I'd see the… the aftermath of coming and going from your home. You, no doubt, saw the same. It would be absurd to think not… I cannot fault you for trying to unlearn something that… that wasn't fair for you to experience. That made it hard for you to be unguarded."

It felt like I was stepping on dangerous territory, bringing up the subjects of unspoken trauma had to be a bold move on my part. I watched as his eyes dulled with what I could only assume were memories connecting to my words. Closing his mouth to swallow with his throat moving, he let out a shaky breath. He opened his mouth to say something but couldn't commit to it. A resounding example of what I spoke of, but he was able to surprise me. Instead, he leaned down to kiss me softly, a forbearing moment where he could not commit to speaking any words and instead chose the route with less complication. I welcomed his lips warmly before eventually welcoming his velvety, soft, tongue of his.

This was quite the distraction from the feeling of needing to focus, to not let this slip away for a moment to speak about us and our lives, I was too entranced with the way his lips danced with mine. I needed a moment of much-needed peace. After a moment or two of reacquainting, of showing soft care and neediness, he pulled away and rested his forehead on mine while we took this time to catch our breath.

"What did… you do, after you left that day?" He asked, barely above a whisper just for me to hear.

Opening my eyes I slowly pulled away to look at the apprehension in his eyes and face, the type of fear you'd have waiting for bad news.

"I made Jethro get Remus to the cottage, and made him tell me what happened," I stated, "I wanted to see if there was anything else that he might know about why he'd do that, and… found out what I needed." I looked down remembering the intense conversation of Sirius's reasoning, and Remus's explanation in defense of his friend. "Told him to I didn't want to hear from Sirius again, and even when Jethro tried to relay any messages—I just couldn't hear his shit anymore." I felt a twitch in my lip at the thought of any disgusting attempt from that man to try and justify his actions.

Severus said no more as we stared at each other, and I wondered if he was debating on going through my memories, but there was no pull or invasion of my mind. A level of trust was shown at that moment, and I wondered if I could push it further.

"Severus," I reached up to run my hand through his soft, blue-black hair, his enjoyment of the gesture was seen when his eyes slackened, and a soft exhale of breath escaped through his nose. "it's not that I don't love being able to work out our issues with a few words and get right to the snogging." I started with a twitch of a small smile on my face, a ghost of a smile on his lips as he continued to look down at me, "I just don't think we can really… get to be close if we don't talk about the issues… in detail."

"How so?" He asked, his voice soft and patient to understand.

I took a deep breath before pulling away my hand to turn from him, the nervous habit of picking at my nails started automatically as I searched for a way to explain my thoughts before slowly turning back to him. I found it easier to not look at him when I spoke, "I've… seen a relationship like mine and Sirius's before. Growing up, my mother and father—" I swallowed hard, closing my eyes while fighting myself to keep going for the same of confronting my anxieties. "My mother and father would fight, and be just as cruel and ugly to each other the way me and him were." I scoffed and looked up at him, feeling the tears threatening to return while giving a shameful smile, "It's all I've ever known what… what I thought love was."

I watched as he stared at me with more questions in his eyes before melting into comprehension. If only I could dive into his mind the way he could with me, then I'd know just what he'd thought. I started to try and speak once more, coughing a bit from the sudden dryness in my throat and tried to ignore the shaking in my body. "I can see that was nothing what it was supposed to be, and I think… I think that's something I'm having to confront. I don't have them anymore to… try and understand what on Earth they were thinking, so I feel like I'm harder to unravel."

'Am I making any sense to myself?' I thought with indignation.

Severus sighed while pulling his shoulder back, his face moving through complicated emotions I could not follow before clearing his throat. "You think that affects you… affects, us?"

"I think I've needed to do this for myself for a long time," I answered, taking a step forward, "and I don't want anymore spilling over into us. I mean—I'm so guarded that if it weren't for a spiked tea I wouldn't have been able to just tell you how I felt, you know?" I shrugged and tried to give him some attempt at a smile from my terrible attempt at joking. "It would be easier on us if I could just talk to you about… my life, my mind, and just—just not be so recoiled from you about it." I looked down, contemplating my words carefully, "Maybe even… hear about yours without such subtly." I looked up at him while stepping closer.

Severus stared at me before looking away, a look that I could only describe as restricted panic came over his eyes. "Don't you think you know enough?" He did not look at me when he spoke, and his tone had gone flat even with it still being soft.

I knew this would be difficult, and after the weeks of separation, my thought process hadn't changed from the fact that a lot of my own problems seeped through. However, I found a pattern that involved the man I cared about, things that aligned with a lot of revelations. While it was his idea of protection, to keep me out of harm's reach or corrupting any perceived happiness, his secrecy had ultimately hurt us. Unnecessary fighting and miscommunications of perceived notions about each other that could've been explained had we just been able to talk. It wasn't lost on me that I was asking a lot from him; I always respected his privacy, but that was before we became what we were.

"No," I answered simply, "It's like I've said. We've just seen each other, assumed things, and then… never talked about it before. I have to pry things from you, and I'm… I'm guilty of it, too."

"Selini," Severus turned to me but kept his eyes down, shaking his hair as dark locks moved back and forth in front of his face, "If you need to do what you must to clear your mind—to help yourself—you won't find me stopping you, but I… I am not able to meet you on that front." He looked up at me finally, a face that was hardened but a set of eyes that pleaded for me to accept this answer.

I stared at him, trying to articulate what I could, "Severus… I have more faith in you than that. I'm not saying it's supposed to be easy, but together—"

"You're betting on a losing dog, then!" He snapped at me, "You think I can just… unbury the past like that? I am who I am, Selini, for whatever reason it is to be!" His voice may have risen, his defense may have been up, but his eyes told me a story that frightened him. A wounded animal who learned long ago what to avoid and show his teeth at any threat of experiencing it once more. He'd bare those fangs to the person who held out food and water to care for him, never knowing the difference all because of his experience. How do you convey to the animal that you're its ally, or better yet, its protector?

'Patience, and persistence…' I reminded myself as Dumbledore's words broke through like a vine rising to the sun.

Neither of us spoke and waited for some type of acknowledgment while looking at each other. It wasn't until he sighed and turned away from me that he took the initiative.

"If that's something you can't accept about me then you may as well get out while you can." His grumbling words were sharp but dripped with disappointment akin to preparing himself for the end.

"I won't," I said,

This response made him look back at me, shock plain in his widened eyes.

"I won't leave you just because of this, Severus. What kind of person would I be, if I ran away from you once again when it's you who needs to be proven that I—" I stopped myself as my breath caught in my throat. The phrase could've flown out of my mouth had it not been for the weight they carried being so heavy to stop me. Something in me holding back the words I felt deeply but wouldn't allow to surface. I couldn't do it yet; I couldn't acknowledge them by putting them out of there. To deny them would start me at square one, but to at least wade into the pool of those emotions was all I could bring myself to do.

Severus straightened himself up no doubt catching what I failed to say to him. I watched as his eyes softened in their surprise and his mouth opened as if to say something. "That I care for you deeply, irrevocably… beyond what I have known." I finished and the quiet swallowed us within the potions classroom. I walked up to him slowly, letting the gravity of his comforting dark eyes pull me to stand in front of him and lean to kiss him. Though his shock had made him less responsive at first, I soon felt him place a hand around the back of my neck, and the other placed on my waist to bring me closer to him. I wanted to show him acceptance, that I wouldn't just discard him because our relationship came to a point that required work, and growth could only make us stronger. It could only help us, and I wasn't going to back down just because that same wounded animal started to bite. I put my hands up to grab his face softly as I pulled away to look back into the void.

"I won't force this on you," I explained in a voice no louder than a whisper, "but just know if there's anyone out there who would help you sort through that past of yours… it would always be me." I held his perplexed gaze for a moment before pulling away and heading toward the door.

"Where are you going?" He called out,

I stopped to look back at him, "To help myself."

)))(((

The presence of the night had presented a chill much cooler than within the day. The darkness within the late hours contributed to the new moon, and the only illumination that could be seen came from the few lights within the castle and the soft pink of Aurora's Lumos orb that guided our hooded figures just past the tree line of the Forbidden Forest. The atmosphere as we entered the forest was heavy enough, but the focus of our ritual held most of the concentration. Aurora's experience in this had forewarned all the possibilities she had encountered once it was complete, and what could happen from the testimonies of witches one and pass. If done correctly, the uplifting and transformative nature of the process would allow the witch or wizard the ability to move forward. If they couldn't, they could be subjected to repetitive cycles within their lives revolving around the same person or event, the opposite effect, and becoming obsessed and surrounded by them. Psychosis, night terrors, and sometimes the emotional and mental strain could leave the person impaired. One wizard had spent the rest of his days within the confines of the hospital, and only spoke about his father, speaking in circles about his death, his abuse, and his neglect.

With that knowledge weighing heavy on Aurora who did whatever she could to promise me she would do her best to have this all constructed properly, the actual responsibility sat upon my shoulders to fulfill what the ritual asked of me. When I tried to ask for the details of what happened, she merely smiled and told me it was better left for me to witness.

We did not speak on the journey there but were accompanied by the sounds of our supplies clanking and rattling in the open air while keeping pace with the guiding light that tinted the woods with a dull pink.

We went further into the eerily quiet woods for about another ten minutes, and while I was confident, I would be able to handle mostly anything here, I didn't want to take any chances of anything sneaking up on us. The creatures that lurked within here were nothing to take lightly, and if we happened to find any trouble it would take quite some time to even get back to the castle. It was better to just make sure we weren't taking any risks.

"Are you sure this is safe?" I asked Aurora stepping over a fallen branch,

"Once we find the clearing, we'll be good to set up protective charms, but until then just keep your eyes open." Aurora's light tone did not distract from the seriousness of her words.

It wasn't long after that we entered the clearing, she was talking about, and with a wave of her hand, she sent her Lumos orb up above us to cast a wider range of light. I pulled out my wand to start the process of setting up a dome of protective and silencing charms at five points. The orb filled the dome with more brightness now that it was closed off, allowing us to easily make our preparations. Aurora had put her bag down to assemble what was needed for this Cord Cutting ritual, and I joined her in shared silence, remembering what she had told me in order to properly lay out our instruments.

A thinly made, muted black tapestry was pulled out and with a flick of Aurora's wrists, spread across the ground for us to sit. She pulled out two silver candle holders that were set on opposing sides, and I pulled out the several black, thick, and tall, candles that I used my wand to disperse at each five points of where I had set up the charms. Aurora had pulled out the two larger, thicker, candles where one was white and the other black along with two letter openers. I gave her a curious look as she answered with a shrug and a sheepish smile.

"They're easier to use than athame's," She explained, and for me, there needed no more explanation.

'You're the professional here,' I thought to myself with a chuckle.

Aurora sat down cross-legged, and I took my spot in front of her with plenty of space between us to work. There laid multiple herbs, a binding oil, and a separation oil for intent made special for the occasion. She handed me the heavier white candle as well as one of the letter openers.

"You carve your name, your birth date, time of birth, and place," She instructed, "And I'll carve his. What is his full name?"

"It's just… Sirius Black," thinking for a moment I had pulled a memory that seemed like it was lost, "I remember him telling me something about him… he was the third in his family to have that name if that matters."

Aurora nodded with full concentration to begin carefully carving into the black candle, the shavings of wax falling around her as she did so. "What's his birthday, time and place?"

"November third, nineteen-fifty-nine, he was born in his family home at Grimmauld place… I'm not sure what time, though." I winced wondering if this would affect anything. It may have also been from watching this come alive before me, knowing I was starting the process to break away from Sirius. A strange sadness, one that I had spent quite a bit of time, trying to ignore and repress.

'I shouldn't be sad… I shouldn't feel like that, right?'

"No matter, that'll be precise enough," Aurora answered completely enveloped in the work.

I swallowed while looking down at my white candle, and inscribed on it:

'Selini Maeve Thorne
January 24th 1960 3:58AM
London, England'

I stared at the words as thoughts ran rampant in my mind of how close I was to getting this done, and how much I needed it, but also how I hated having to resort to this measure. That had to be the saddening part of this whole thing; I couldn't leave him in the past to the point I resorted to old magic. I hoped that Aurora's ever-extending grace continued, no matter how pathetic I feared I looked in front of her.

'She's done the same. Do you think she's pathetic?' The thought ran through my mind, knowing the answer was a resounding 'no' that pushed me forward in my work.

"We'll need to grind the herbs first, then add the binding oil to the candle," Aurora explained as she pulled one set of the mortar and pestle over to herself. "Then cover the candle with the crushed herbs."

I followed obediently to her instructions, pulling out the five little satchels filled with the herbs. Lavender to be crushed with Vervain to create the trance state, sage to cleanse and rid of attachments, abre camino to open and steer my path in a different direction, and Rosemary to protect and enhance the journey.

I concentrated on grinding the herbs together with the concentration of each intention as I did so. With each intention, I thought of the reason why I was doing this, and it only motivated me further. Freedom from a man I couldn't understand why I had entertained, the ability to put my focus on my relationship with Severus, and finally find the strength to leave the past where it was. I took the binding oil and applied it generously over the candle before sprinkling the herbs over it, rubbing the contents together and making sure it was coated as best as I could. I took one of the wash rags we prepared to wipe our hands with and nodded to myself as I set my candle up before wiping my hands.

I looked up to see Aurora rolling out the long cord that was intertwined with branches of different dried plants on each side. On one side the plants I recently had grinded were lined until in the very middle where different herbs were intertwined before descending on the other side. It had to of taken quite some time to create, let alone make sure they were all neatly woven in as tightly as possible. The middle looked to have a bunch of the branches knotted together, signifying a union between them. Aurora pulled out a jar, and after some time of studying what appeared to be empty, she used her finger to pull out a single strand of curly, black hair.

"How did you get that?" I asked while tilting my head to the side,

Aurora recreated one of Jethro's famous Cheshire cat smiles, and with the pinkish glow looked almost crazed. "I made an unexpected visit to headquarters to try and find anything personal of his, something he wouldn't miss, but Sirius caught me digging around, so I started making a fuss about how I could've sworn I saw a gray hair." Aurora imitated a plucking gesture as she explained herself,

I couldn't help but snicker as I imagined a very confused and concerned Sirius having a single strand of hair plucked from his head. No doubt he would've been annoyed, but her little sneaky move was quite impressive to me.

"I'm going to tie this to one end of this rope, then I want you to do the same with your hair on the other side," Aurora instructed, taking on her teaching persona once more. I watched patiently as she meticulously and carefully entwined the piece of hair just a few inches above the knotted middle. She then handed off the cord for me to do the same, brushing my fingers through my hair I was able to get a strand to use to copy her placement and entwined my essences within the cord.

"Remember," After I put the cord down, she poked once more. Aurora used her hot pink energy to move our material out of the way, levitating the white and black candles at the far ends of the tapestry to place them on the candle holders, while manipulating the very ends of the cord to tie themselves around the candles till they were pulled taught. "It'll be only a moment for me, but for you it could feel like hours, maybe feel like a few days. Get it all out, find out what you need, and leave it behind. We've got enough for another go, but to do that again and the emotional toll…" She looked apprehensive to even go on.

"Get it done, got it." I nodded while taking a deep breath. I wanted this over with—I couldn't stand waiting anymore!

"Do you have the incantation?" She asked,

Nodding, and with trembling hands, I leaned into the pushed-aside bag to rummage through. Finding the slip of parchment, I pulled out and straightened myself up.

"Good luck, Maeve." She offered. I smiled at her, thanking her before I started to read the words I took the time to carefully craft.

"Tethered together, the pain of holding on brings our doom. Burn this tie as Black suffocates the Moon. Release the bonds, bring forth the truth, prove to me why we're done, over and threw."

The candles that illuminated the five points flared higher, bringing forth an energy presence that wasn't there before. The energy of the magic seemed to squeeze quickly around me, and the two candles sparked alight. With the fire lit I felt a rush of wind being pulled from my chest as everything went dark. It was so quick I couldn't understand what had happened. If I had blinked I wouldn't have known what occurred. Was I in some sort of limbo? Another world where my consciousness was being transported to? To understand what was happening was fleeting as the rush of air filled my lungs once more, gasping to awake and wince at the bright, white light of a space that wasn't the forest anymore.

Once my eyes adjusted, I looked around the blank canvas of white nothingness. I sat on the white floor, if that's what you could call it, and stared into an endless void of purity. At least that's what it felt like; it wasn't some holy place but felt of nothing but awareness. It was so quiet, even in the soundlessness of the forest it seemed to be an absence of anything other than myself there. The deafness was too loud for me. Hearing my own breathing, and my micro movements as I gathered myself from off the ground in a frazzled fashion. I looked around to find anything, something, but it was all nothing.

"Hello?" I called out with no indication of an echo or something to give the impression of an end.

"Hello," spinning around, a place I had already searched, I was confronted with the sight of Sirius Black standing and smiling at me. He looked just as I had left him that night in Grimauld Place, same outfit and all, but there was something different about him that I couldn't understand, nor could I find exactly what it was that differed. He didn't seem human, but to say that almost felt wrong.

"Sirius?" I gasped,

"Sort of," he answered while chuckling, "the essence of myself is enough, don't you think?"

I blinked at him wondering if this was some kind of trick or that the spell went wrong, but even in my suspicions I felt that this was fine. This all-knowing, yet completely hidden, trust to carry on and accept myself in this world of vapid purity felt like trusting my ancestors to guide me through the storm.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, looking around him to see if anything, or anyone, would pop up.

Sirius kept his smile while looking about as well, shrugging before looking back at me, "Thought it was obvious." He answered with a type of confident smile that I would've called smug, had the feeling that associating that with him in this way felt incorrect. Still, there was a familiarity there, and I cared not for it.

I narrowed my eyes at the man, or energy, of him.

"Let's get to it then, shall we?" He stated taking a few steps to me while holding out his hand.

I stared at him with hesitation. The gesture was so simple, the beckoning of me by his side once more, and even with my hesitation I felt the pull to bring my hand into his. It wasn't a want or a need, nor a romantic gesture, but something that seemed… required. Putting my hand into his it felt like flesh, it felt warm like any other hand you could touch, but once again it felt bizarrely foreign.

"Close your eyes," Sirius instructed, and with another moment of apprehension, I followed the instructions.

Nothing felt different until the sudden rush of children talking, laughing, hollering, and echoing through a vast room, feeling the presence of others around me. I opened my eyes to find myself surrounded by children in the Great Hall of Hogwarts. None of them paid any attention to the two adults standing in the middle of the walkway between two tables where they passed by us, walking straight through like they would've with the ghosts, but not react otherwise.

"Why are we here?" I asked, and even as I tried to take my hand away I couldn't. It was stronger than a permanent sticking charm and hurt even to try and take it away when I did. I winced from the burning sensation that receded once I stopped, "What's the fuck is going on?"

"Can't let go yet," Sirius explained as he looked around, completely unaffected by my growing hostility, "And I believe… right about now…"

"Lily!" I looked over to see a young boy with his familiar coal-black, and untidy hair sticking up everywhere. He couldn't be any older than twelve or thirteen, with his voice having that strange mixture of deepening but still holding the air of a child-like tone. James Potter could've been the younger brother of Harry the way he looked at this moment. Next to him a sickly, and quickly growing, Remus remained as quiet as possible. His broadening shoulders made him look older, but his face had yet to lose the innocent round cheeks. Remus looked around before looking to where James had called, while Peter Pettigrew's plump face was chattering away to Remus. Puberty was not kind to Peter, and it was evident on his pimply face. I noticed then that the very young Sirius Black sat on the other side of James, smiling brightly as he looked toward the direction that James had called.

"Bet Snivelus and Silly Selini got uglier over the summer!" I heard Sirius snicker, and while puberty affected him similarly to Remus, giving him a growth spurt and his jaw-line defining slightly, his maturity had yet to kick in. If it ever did, that is.

"What is this, Sirius?" I whispered to the adult Sirius, as if I had to hide myself when no one noticed us, who didn't look away from the scene in front of us.

"You don't remember?" Sirius questioned with a crinkle in his brows,

"I-I… do, but why?" I answered, looking over to where James had called out. The long, dark yet bright red of Lily Evans in all her glory of a blossoming flower, walking closer toward the group that I was standing near, and accompanying her was Severus who immediately had soured at the shouting of James and his beckoning. To be reminded of how poorly neglected he was in his youth was heartbreaking; I started to feel remorse for even asking him to bring up those chapters of his life.

"It's where it all started technically. It all… started here." Sirius answered.

"Hi James," Lily waved, polite as she could be to the fellow Gryffindor, she gave him a small smile while stopping to speak to them for a moment. Severus kept his distance as he usually did in those times.

"Looks like you've grown up over the summer, eh, Lil?" James commented, only gaining an annoyed look from Lily herself, "Looks like Snivelus got greasier though!"

"Take that back, you walking bubotuber sack of pus!" Severus called out while reaching for his wand to point at the group. It was a relief to think that now they had some kind of restraint but to be reminded of their heated rivalry before my adult eyes, I was surprised they could keep it together. Severus drawing his wand timed perfectly with Sirius and James who had their wands already pointed at Severus.

"Guys, it's the first day, give it a rest!" Lily pleaded while looking already defeated with the antics.

"You guys have to pull back, you're going to get detention if—"

Remus was interrupted by the sudden flare of scarlet red energy that glowed over the wands of James and Sirius before they shot into the air, flipping wildly around before falling behind them. The two boys started to protest when all of a sudden, the presence of a small, nearly black-haired girl with a scarlet bow holding her hair back, came up to point two fingers at the boys. Her fingernails were painted black, and her hand had several silver, jeweled rings while her wrists were adorned with several different bracelets. I knew it was me, it had to of been my third year since that's when I started to wear all the extra accessories.

"Don't you two ever learn?" The younger version of me mocked before she threw her hand up, and the shocked expressions of the two Gryffindor boys were knocked back onto the floor.

"Selini!" Lily called out, and only calmed whenever the Slytherin girl turned to her with a warning looking, "Sorry, Maeve! Don't antagonize them, they'll only retaliate!"

Oh, how I wished I hadn't been so shitty to her for that! To hear little Lily say my name, which I'd later on allow her to use, one more time would've uplifted me from the harrowing mindset I've had! To see her before me so close to grab and hug without being able to was maddening.

"Let them!" The younger me declared, her—my—jade green eyes lined with the blackest eye liner looked more fierce in her anger, my Russian lilt more pronounced at the time, "I've gotten better with my ability, you know that, I'm not going to just let them mess with us!" I watched as my younger version took hold of both the hands of small Severus and Lily, looking over at the two perplexed and flabbergasted boys who finally got to their feet to stare at the three. "You better start learning to leave us alone, you dunderheads!" She called before pulling Lily and Severus away from the group. Little Lily looked back before speaking animatedly to little me, but through Severus's disgust, I could see his triumphant sneer on his lips as he threw a nasty look at the Gryffindors.

"Bloody hell, Silly Selini's temper didn't change—" James commented before plopping down in his seat, putting his wand away before rubbing his shoulder, grunting from discomfort.

"Her powers are getting better—you could've gotten hurt!" Peter exclaimed looking frightful as he watched the three students walk away.

"I think we're lucky the professors didn't see anything, Peter," Remus commented while sighing.

"Did you see her? She doesn't even look the same—her hair wasn't black last year, was it? Like reddish, brownish, right? But Lily—Lily called her Maeve!? Guess she got tired of her stupid first name! Just as stupid as all that jewelry and black stuff on her face!" James rambled his confusion and frustration. A memory of James, once we were older and slightly more civilized, commenting on my appearance around this time entered my mind. One of the few times I could think back to and smile at him trying to explain himself, and how I could actually laugh with him and tease him all the same.

My concentration swayed to Sirius who had watched after me even as we had left, with eyes full of wonder as if he had just witnessed magic for the first time.

"What's wrong with you Sirius?" James asked while nudging his friend, who barely seemed to come out of the trance.

"When did Selini get so… cute?"

The roar of the children speaking had abruptly stopped, everyone had frozen in place and the scene seemed to pause before us. I looked back to the older Sirius who was staring at me. "What did you learn?" His tone was curious, but his question had echoed authority. Like when I would ask a question to a student I knew who wasn't listening, or paying attention.

I blinked at him unsure of what to say other than explain what I witnessed, because what was I supposed to see in this first vision? "I saw us fighting…" I looked at the young Sirius before taking a step forward, letting the emotions register with me as I held the older Sirius's hand. "He… you, never stopped picking on us." It flowed, the realization that I wondered if adult Sirius had been asking about.

"It wasn't the first time I did that to you, and it wouldn't be the last." Sirius answered while pulling me lightly to stand next to him, "I never stopped."

I stared at the unusually calm eyes of Sirius who gave me a small and thoughtful smile before speaking again, "Close your eyes."

I looked away from him before doing as I was told, putting full trust in what felt like my guide through this strange, yet necessary, journey. This time I had seen flashes going by so quickly inside of what was in my mind it was nauseating to experience; countless times of Sirius antagonizing me, and I would threaten to curse him beyond oblivion, the flashes of hexes and jinxes being thrown at each other with foul language, mockery, and absolute cruelty. We were ruthless to each other in our younger years which left a foul taste in my mouth. Each one that passed by was met with the understanding that Sirius kept pushing this one, simple, boundary. It didn't matter how many times he had witnessed me near tears, or how vicious I acted in defense of Severus and myself. He wanted to do those things, and with that insight, I felt the grip of Sirius's hand slip ever so slightly.

The memories of our younger days stopped abruptly, and the sound of water sloshing around, hitting against something, feeling the breeze of the outside, and the smell of fresh lake water had forced my eyes open. Inspecting my surroundings of where I was standing, I knew this to be the boat house of Hogwarts that stood empty.

"Why…?" I asked breathlessly, and with his other hand, Sirius pointed to the side door of the boat house that burst open to show a laughing, and disheveled younger version of Sirius breaking through followed by an angry, teenage version of myself coming to grab him by his robe from behind. I had to of just turned sixteen; I knew this memory well enough.

"You impotent flobberworm shit!" a teenage version of me yelled while throwing him onto the now-closed door. Sirius grunted, but his laughter didn't cease nor did his smile falter as he slightly winced from the force of me pushing him back. "Don't you ever get bored of being a nuisance bully? Maybe you need to focus on being able to grow in your facial hair!"

"C'mon, Snivelus was fine!" Younger Sirius brushed off the teen Slytherin while relaxing and leaning against the door, "It's not like anything happened when you came into the picture!"

"If you wouldn't harass him then I wouldn't have to fucking step in, idiot!" Younger me yelled.

Watching as the younger version of Sirius reached out to tickle the side of my younger version, who immediately punched him in the shoulder and caused the boy to have a strange mixture of laughing and groaning.

"You'll have to do better than that, Silly Selini!" Young Sirius yelled playfully, almost mocking my attempts, as I watched him grab my arm and twist my younger self around, holding my arm tight in front of my body while his other hand had grabbed my free hand to cross over. Teen Maeve was trapped and enveloped by the strong arms and hands of teen Sirius.

I remembered this moment from my younger self's point of view so vividly; in my anger and fury the display of physical touch and restriction had been confusing enough, but the way the front of his body had pressed against my back had been jarring in an exciting way—a sensual way. I remember trying to immediately understand my excitement because the conflicting ire of my temper did not cease when he did so. For a while now he had shown a flirtatious side, but usually, I would meet it with disgust or flipping him off. This couldn't have been too long after he had come to my defense of his cousin, and as I watched my teenage self breathing heavily trying to get away from him in spurts, I looked to watch Sirius laugh at me as if it was ridiculous to even try. From this point of view, it made me feel hopeless for the younger me knowing what came next.

"Get the fuck off of me you cretin!" Teenage Maeve growled, kicking back as scarlet energy started to form around my hands.

He leaned his face into the crevice of my neck, whispering in a low tone that I remembered more clearly.

"Don't be like that," he purred and started to kiss my neck, the action causing my younger self to freeze immediately. Even from here, I could see her confusion that mixed with the pleasure of the moment, and as the hormone-driven teen boy continued to kiss the sensitive skin I watched my younger self relax under his strong and dominating touch. I remember thinking how asinine this show of affection was; he was supposed to be just a prick that jested his so-called affections, not actually display them! His hands had slipped away to grip my waist over my Slytherin robe, and a small whimper escaped her lips as teen Sirius bit her neck. I could almost feel the same pressure applied to my neck at that moment and reached up instinctively.

"You sound so sweet when you want me," The boy purred and moved to the other side of my neck, the girl curled back into him more.

'She doesn't know… I don't know, yet.' I thought to myself with grief encompassing my chest, and heart. Had anyone else been treated this way like Aurora or Elowyn—Gods be with the boy or girl who dared to act like this with her—it would be all too easy for me to see the disrespect the same way I saw it in front of me now. To experience this at my young age, versus seeing it now, felt like there were two different people involved in the matter. That girl had dreamed of a passionate love, and she ended up with a manipulative imposter.

It was when one of the boy's hands started to slip between the robe, and the other roamed upward to cup around my chest, that brought the teen version of me out of the trance of pleasure and into fright. I jumped forward as I remembered the panic and watched my younger self push back with all her might to break free from the Gryffindor boy who was so smug, and pleased, with what just happened. I didn't have to see that my younger self was mortified, aroused, and altogether livid with what that confusing behavior meant.

"What are you playing at, Black?! How—how dare you touch me!" The Slytherin girl cried out, losing a lot of her confidence from before.

Teen Sirius laughed while rubbing his lips and shrugging, "Just wanted to try something with you, Silly Selini. Besides, I don't think you minded that much." Sirius raised his eyebrows at the flustered girl.

"You don't just—grope girls like that, you fucking creep!" She added while pulling her robe tighter around herself. Teen Sirius held up his hands before pushing off the door and taking a step closer, my young self not able to move.

"Yeah? Let me make it up to you then." The boy looked the girl up and down before smiling at her, "Go with me to Hogsmeade this weekend, and let me get you a butterbeer."

"Are you stupid? Why the hell would I ever go anywhere with you? I won't fall for your—"

"Okay, okay, Maeve, I'm sorry! Please go with me to Hogsmeade so I can make it up to you." Sirius had rolled his eyes at my name, and as foolish as it felt now to watch myself pause to consider it, I knew her decision already.

"... I go and you'll leave me alone after that?"

'He won't! Why didn't you–I—see that!' I thought to myself with a bitter bite,

"You think you'll want nothing to do with me after you enjoy yourself?" Teen Sirius countered. The nerve he had was astounding.

Teen Maeve scoffed before knocking into his shoulder with her own, "I know I will!" She said before slipping away and running out of the boat house.

The scene stopped once more like it did in the Great Hall, and adult Sirius stepped forward with a heavy sigh before looking at me. In this state, this essence of himself, he looked remorseful for his actions. I wondered if the Sirius outside of all of this would've done the same given the chance, "What did you learn?" He asked again.

I gave the occurrence proper consideration before answering him. Things seemed to click a bit better, but the wording was hard to come by, "I remember not liking the way it felt, but also how… how it felt good at the same time. I knew it would be idiotic to go, but I went anyway."

"Why?"

Blinking I found it hard to articulate, "I… I knew we'd fight, but that always felt familiar. It was expected, and it was… comfortable, weirdly enough, because it was familiar. To be cruel and vicious to him—you. So when… when you did that, and with how I saw my mom and dad fight… I thought you did like me. That even if it were trouble, and if you would say something mean it was just how it was meant to be. I hated when you were mean to me, and I hated having to be mean to you. You liked it—you liked doing that to me!"

Sirius did not say or do anything in protest like the normal Sirius would've done, but instead, he nodded. "You already knew that about yourself and I," He stated, "what else?"

I scoffed while rolling my eyes, "I don't know, Sirius, that you're a pushy asshole!" I yelled becoming frustrated with the cryptic behavior that this figure was giving me. Sirius just smiled, a hint of sympathy in his smile and eyes, as he nodded.

"I think a different example would do better." He answered softly, "Close your eyes."

(***)

I looked back to the young teen Sirius with his cocky smile, appearing to feel accomplished with himself before closing my eyes with a huff. I waited a moment before I could smell the rain on the stone and hear the giggling of my younger self before opening my eyes. I was confronted with the scene of nighttime, hidden away were the two teen versions of me and Sirius as we laid on the grass making out heavily with teen Sirius on top of teen me. All seemed as normal as two teenagers sneaking off for a late-night snogging session when the teen version of Sirius had started to slide his hand up the skirt of my uniform. It wasn't like how he normally did when he would stop just above my upper tight, yet this time he started to go higher than I had been prepared for.

"Wa-wait!" I watched my younger self push him away, and young Sirius pulled back while looking at me with confusion.

"What's wrong?" He asked as I remembered how strange it was to feel his hand just lingering there on the upper part of my thigh,

Teen Maeve stared up at him and looked conflicted. I remember it even more vividly as if I were reliving it then and there. Technically I was, but in this case to see it from the outside perspective made me feel small, and uncomfortable knowing how she—I—felt.

"I–I… I don't know if I want—" The younger version of myself couldn't find it in her voice to explain more, but it didn't require a lot of brains for the teen boy to understand.

"Shh, don't be scared of it," he whispered while kissing her lips lightly, "I won't take it all the way, love. Just have a taste, eh?" He gave his famous, charming smile that pulled me into his way of thinking every time and carried on kissing young Maeve.

I knew how I felt at the moment, but to see myself become hesitant before trying to relax enough to trust Sirius was hard to watch. It was worse than the memory I had witnessed before, and I turned away knowing that there was a feeling of wanting to be wanted by him, of the emotions I tried to ignore and in the heat of fooling around, wouldn't forget but push back. To bury it down so far deep that I was able to forget about it over time, until now.

The scene had quieted, and I assumed had stopped, before feeling the gentle pull of Sirius pulling me away from the scene.

"Do you see it now?" Sirius's uncommonly soft voice asked as I tried to wipe away the tears that fell, unable to look at him.

"I wasn't ready…" Sniffing it felt like a wave started to hit me all at once, "I just—I just wanted to wait a bit or something."

"You're seeing something now, Maeve." Sirius said while tilting his head to the side, "Go deeper than that."

"How much more can I?!" I shouted at him while staring at him with as much hate and hurt as I could muster on my face, the deep frown and uncontrollable tears on my face were met with a soft and sympathetic look. "I did whatever you wanted, now what else can I get from that?!" My breathing was heavy as the face was unchanging on his face.

"Look again," He said, and with a nod, I clenched my teeth as I closed my eyes once more. This time I had flashes coming at me from all directions, and regardless of how fast I was able to follow each and every emotion and memory as they came, that nauseous feeling returned tenfold. My first time being intimate with Sirius had come from his pressuring, his ability to say and do all of the things to make it seem like I wanted my illusion of decision. He had been gentle enough, but even then, it weighed heavy on me the nature of our relationship progressing at that rate. When he'd pull me along to watch Quidditch practices when I should've been studying and dog tired as I was, or going out to Hogsmeade and he'd want me around just hang with his friends when I wanted to be with Lily or Severus. Missing precious time with the two individuals I had no idea I'd end up losing in such a short amount of time. Flashes of fighting, and me caving to apologize when I didn't have to–didn't need to apologize for his provoking.

Cradling the fragile ego, he had all in the name of not wanting to be at odds and ends. A rather nasty row between us led to our worst fight to date. When he'd go low and attack my friendship with Severus, I'd attack his character, and then he'd aim his sights at my home life, so I'd start attacking there. A comment made about being better off making amends with his mother since he was so vile he'd keep their traditions alive just by his cruelty had been the breaking point. He pushed me back hard against the stone wall, nothing he had ever done before, and the breath was knocked out of me. In that same instance, a memory flashed to a moment when my mother had done the same thing to me also knocking the breath out from one of her belligerent, drunken days. Another flashback to when he had panicked and repeatedly apologized. I saw true fear, true regret as he held me with grey, inky tears running down my face from the fear of not breathing properly. He had never done anything like that to me again, and I knew better than to go so low after that, but I would've been lying to myself if I said that we danced on the line plenty of times afterward.

I was disturbed by the scene of my younger self struggling to catch her breath before a flash to the memory of when my mother held me just the same.

I gasped at all that I had seen and felt before the memories of our young adult years came forward. The times when we'd fight and I'd back down for the sake of Lily and James being around, and later on when little Harry would be within the vicinity, the notion of biting my tongue till it bled wasn't exaggerated. The ever black and white of our relationship when he pulled me to the side to have a late night trist I had to be drunk enough to stand him for. The familiarity of our bodies aggressively finding comfort within each other did little to break away from the pain in my life, and how this act of self-harm only made things worse for me in the long run. I did it all anyway, constantly taking him back because he wanted to. He always wanted me, but the more I had seen I had even wondered when did I actually want him? A door that I would try to shut but he'd stick his foot to hold it open as time went on.

(***)

"Did it ever truly end with me, Maeve Thorne?" Sirius finally asked, and when I opened my eyes we were back in the white nothingness that I started with. Breathing heavily, shaking from the battery of emotional whiplash and cognitive abuse of memories overloading my senses. "It didn't start with me, but I nurtured it."

"I stopped it!" I pleaded, trying to hold back a sob, "I stopped it when I left you!"

"You only started to do what was best for you," Sirius explained, "When you left me that day, no matter how angry, how hurt I had been, you made that decision for yourself." Sirius looked hopeful for me to grasp his reasoning, and thankfully I did.

In none of these instances, I felt in control to make my own decisions, and to stand up for myself in a way that allowed me to freely choose myself. It started when I was young with the constant battles between my parents, feeling absolutely directionless in their way of parenting, and with the stabbing betrayal of what should've been a loving household, it had bled to create the life of my idea of love. If I just tip-toed around my mother and father's arguments, if I complied and did what I could to not create any problems, then I'd be safer. The idea to comply and restrict myself had been instinctual, and the idea of rebellion and following my own path had been on the horizon of a destination I'd only dreamed of.

"Ever since I was little, I'd—I'd do what others wanted of me. That's why I hated having authority—someone else telling me to do whatever they wanted—so acts of rebellion would follow, but… even then I felt like I'd have to succumb to people like… my father and mother. To people like you!" I cried out, feeling the grip of our hands together slip a bit more to where our fingers were now only holding on. "I didn't feel like I had no choice!"

"Now how does that pale to your life now, Maeve?" Sirius asked while looking at our hands, with more patience and care than I had known him to be.

I stopped for a moment, blinking away the tears as best as I could when I tried to recall memories to even prove to myself that I had the ability to live my life with some ruling of my own. That I wasn't some sheep trying to avoid the wolves around me, and that I had found the destination on the horizon somewhere in my life.

"Severus," I whispered before looking back up to him, "I–I always… I chose Severus." I closed my eyes out of reflex to see if anything came, and I wasn't disappointed. Flashes and feelings of watching this little, thin, pale, and black-haired boy that I would run around with as children melted into the faces of our teens. The night, that special and damning night, when even the alcohol had been helpful in my wild decision to kiss him back came forward. Skipping to that fight with Sirius after watching him mercilessly degrade Severus in front of so many people, and how I had fought against him and James to break it off with Sirius was once again another piece of evidence of my choosing. Choosing Severus over anyone else. Time skipped to when more recent memories of choosing to go up to him regardless of circumstances, choosing to want to be by his side, and making the choice to allow him in my sacred space. None of it felt like coercion, or felt the pressure to commit any acts I didn't want to. The freedom of being able to choose him had been with him the whole time. He was the gateway beyond the horizon, to find the Eden I had been longing for this whole time.

"When you chose him over me, you started to choose yourself and what you wanted from this short, and precious life." Sirius said as the grip on our hand slipped drastically once more, two fingers interlocked together that held with a vice grip, "You just haven't seen it because I've been blocking the way, just like Magnus, and just like Catherine has."

I looked up at him as he gave a contemplative smile, saddened by his own words. "You can't get those decisions back, but you can go from here and redirect your life, you know. You're almost there—" He held up our interlocked fingers before looking back to me, "you must make the choice yourself, Maeve Thorne."

"Are you really him?" I asked after a pause, "You're nothing like him…"

Sirius sighed while giving a nod, "It's me—well, the essence of me like I said, but… if I hadn't had the life I did, I would seem more like this. If I did this ritual to you, I'd be asking the same thing, but here," He gestured broadly to the white space around us, "I'm not burdened by life's dealings, the shaping of who I became. I'm the part of me that you wish you had seen, and thought would be there if you did what I wanted, but hardly ever saw." He looked down and hummed after answering. "It wasn't that I didn't ever love you, Maeve, but there was no way I could ever properly love you. You know, not everyone is sorted into good and bad; the grey is what makes us human and gives us a chance for redemption. I never chose the path to make us… healthy, and whole, is all. I simply didn't think I had a choice," Sirius gave an all-knowing smile to me.

To hear this was unfair. Knowing that Sirius could've been different, could've been more than what he had succumbed to in life was heartbreaking. To think that his own life had created this damaged man who didn't give himself a chance at redemption in his mind, was too much for me to rationalize in this moment. "You… were a fire that consumed," I started while sniffling, wiping away more tears, "you took anything with you, and learned how to do it because… of your own life." I processed, not sure if I made sense to him or myself, while sighing. I understood it wasn't so one-sided and that Sirius wasn't this evil man who had no humanity. "You went through similar things, is that what you're telling me? That's your justification?"

"I went through similar things like you, and Severus Snape, Harry Potter, Remus Lupin, and others. Our backgrounds are colored differently, and we're all very much different in how we hold ourselves now. We all choose different paths of how to deal with it, and I chose this way. Little do I understand that it hurts more for the others I rip apart." Sirius answered evenly, sighing softly before looking back up at me.

Then I knew, in an all-encompassing revelation, that someone like Sirius Black could only show his love and care in a flawed, at times vindictive fashion that could never be what I needed from him. Of course, through the trauma he had in his life no wonder he had been so regressed in how he took care of Harry, how he approached me, and in general how he acted like a child when the adults took over. He would never know any better because of the comfort of familiarity in how he lived, yet even then in understanding and even the empathy of knowing this, I could let him go without force or explosive insight that I was no longer that same girl who followed in line. The same little girl who had to comfort someone else's pain and could focus on healing my own.

With this inner thought process, Sirius smiled brightly at me, "You've done it," seemingly to understand my thought process he held up our two entwined fingers, "time to let go now."

I could feel that strange entrapping grip free itself, but I didn't pull back just yet. I had questions for him now that he had a clear mind, a maturity that I could understand.

"Will you remember this?" I asked him,

"It'll be like a dream for me, but just like dreams, I won't remember the finer details." He answered calmly.

"I think I did love something about you, Sirius," I admitted, "I just…"

"You just couldn't love me in a way that you love Severus Snape," He finished for me. His straightforward answer caused the breath to catch within my chest, but he simply kept his soft smile, "Now, make that choice on your terms." He gave a slight wiggle of our fingers interlocked, and without a second thought, I said goodbye to Sirius Black by pulling my hand away completely.

I felt the jolt of being pulled forward by my chest as if I were sucked back into place. The chill of the night hit me hard as well as the glowing ambiance of Aurora's pinkish Lumos orb, the candles that had flared up had dimmed down to low flames with wax pulled over the sides, and the ashes, smell of burnt herbs too many to distinguish, all came back to me.

"Maeve!" Aurora called as I leaned forward to steady myself and catch my breathing, "Maeve, are you alright?"

I was vaguely aware of her coming over, putting a reassuring hand on my back, and providing soothing circles of comfort on my back. Gasping for air, blinking I tried my best to calm myself, but all I could do was weep as I fell into her body. Aurora continued to soothe me by going back and forth between smoothing my hair down and rubbing my back, as she rocked me back and forth.

"It's over, Maeve, it's over." She whispered, and there was nothing within me to comment or speak of my experience. She knew what I knew of how all that emotion had siphoned into my being, that the place where time and space did not matter had to be put back into my human mind. Had there been creatures around us in that forest, screeching, howling, or crying out, my wailing would've mirrored them.

---

A/N: I just wanted to say that this chapter was probably the hardest to write in aspects dealing with the heavier topics. A lot of this can come from personal experience, so there is some catharsis when fleshing out Maeve's past with Sirius. I think the song title, and the emotions behind it, really capture the essence of the grief of letting go and even though it's for your betterment, there's still nothing quite like having to move on with the pain.

I also want to notate that I wanted Sirius to not be 100% protrayed as a bad guy, because I don't think his (canonically) and you can see well rounded characters in HP. He said it himself "The world is not split between heros and Death Eaters," the best way that he could, so I took that and tried to... expand. I understand Maeve because I've had my own Sirius before the sense of this chapter. Please feel free to tell me how you feel about this, any parts that stuck out to you or anything of the such. Review's feed the muse as one fanfic writer wrote!

Much thanks and love,

TJ