Part 4: Permission to be selfish
The confession held itself in the air of the silent kitchen.
"You... You don't want to...?" Midoriya slowly repeated the words, his brain still catching up with the moment. This wasn't as bad as he'd been initially worried, given the way she was acting, but it'd still left him in a state of sudden shock, and he was only now fully registering what she'd said.
Uraraka thought finally saying it would help her breathe a little easier. Maybe it was and she was simply still too tense to notice the difference.
"It's not that there's nothing about the idea that I like." She continued her confession, her eyes going back to having trouble looking at him right now. "You and me, having a family together. Introducing my parents to their grandchild for the first time. There are a lot of nice things I can see in a future like that. But..." She trailed off, still trying to find the words.
Midoriya didn't exactly know what to say himself. "...How long have you felt this way?" Was the best he could finally come up with.
Uraraka's hands gripped each other tightly. It was only because of years of practiced habit that she wasn't touching herself in a way where she'd be accidentally activating her Quirk and making herself float off. "I don't know when for sure. Back when we'd first started dating I remember we talked a little bit about kids after Mina teased us about how we should make her the godmother. I wasn't really into the idea but I figured it was just because we'd only just started dating and were still young and that I'd change my mind later on...but that later never came."
The kitchen was uncomfortably quiet. Uraraka's stomach hurt from how much regret she was feeling from bringing this whole thing up. Her body ached with longing for the fun and laughter that'd warmed them both just minutes ago...worsened by the very real possibility that now may never come again because of her.
"There are some days...some weeks...where you and I barely have time for each other." She pushed to continue the conversation. One of them had to. There was no other choice at this point but to just get everything out. "I know the crime rate is going down and Hawks has always meant it when he's said his goal is for heroes to have too much time of their hands, but until that day comes... We both worked so hard to get the careers we have. I love being a hero and my work with Quirk counseling. You love being a hero and you love being a teacher. Having a kid...it'll definitely have an impact. It can't not. I definitely won't be able to be nearly as active when I'm pregnant. One of us might even have to stop working just to take care of them. That plus how expensive it is to raise a kid and I just...! I just...! ...I don't know if I can do it. ...I'm not sure I can make that kind of sacrifice."
Her words had gotten faster and faster as they'd spilled out, her voice and body getting more and more worked up, only to now fall back into sorrowful silence, Uraraka withdrawing from him yet again.
"She's been keeping all this inside." Midoriya said, never feeling like more of a failure of a partner than in this moment.
"I didn't know." He spoke, it coming out more like a plea for forgiveness.
"You couldn't have known. I avoided talking about it." Uraraka corrected him. "Even back then I'd quickly changed the subject and it's something I've kept doing ever since, every time it's ever come out. And that wasn't fair to you...I was being selfish."
Midoriya felt a stab in his heart as he heard the hoarseness creep into her voice. She was on the verge of crying.
"Ochaco, it's okay. It's not that big of a deal."
"No, Izuku, it's a very big deal!" Uraraka raised her voice at him, his clumsy attempt at trying to calm her down backfiring horribly. She wasn't actually mad at him for what he said. The stress was simply finally breaking its way through the cracks. "You know as well as I do how much of a huge difference kids make on a relationship! All the kids we've seen who came from homes that fell apart because one of the parents never actually wanted a child and took it out on them! The couples who ended up completely resenting each other because they kept them from living the life they wanted!"
"I would never resent you! I love you!"
"Izuku, can you honestly tell me you're okay with the idea of never being a dad?!"
Their sudden yelling match ended almost as quickly as it'd begun, brought about by the weight of that question. His mouth hung open to try and argue...but nothing was coming out.
"Of course I am!" was the obvious answer. Just four little words and that puts an end to this whole thing.
So why wasn't he just saying them?
...Because right now Uraraka was baring her soul to him. She was exposing how scared she was and telling him the honest truth of how she felt in spite of that.
If he said those words to her now...he'd be responding to her vulnerability with a lie.
Midoriya's mouth closed. His fingers curled into his hands. And finally, his eyes looked away from Uraraka, ashamed of himself.
The moment slowly passed by. Uraraka's shoulders sank, though not because they were free from their tension. It was more...acceptance. She had said what she knew was truth, but there still had been a small part of her that'd been hoping he would argue. That he somehow would prove her wrong and make her believe his answer, doubtless as it was that she would.
"The way you are with your students. With those at my work. How excited you were when Tenya's son was born. Even since way back with Kota and Eri. I think you've wanted to have kids since even when you were a kid. And anyone can see how amazing a father you'll be."
It was like his lungs were being crushed in his chest. Midoriya wasn't entirely sure he even was breathing right now. Every word she said just seemed to hurt her more and more.
"You've always been willing to give up so much if meant you could put someone else first." Uraraka said as she looked to the floor, her eyes watering as her voice was filled with admiration. "Even before the war you easily would have been the most famous of our entire class if you'd taken credit for even half the amazing stuff you did. You gave up One For All so that you could reach out to Tenko. You could have made the embers last longer but you never stopped yourself from moving to help those who needed you. And you became a teacher so that you could keep helping even when they faded away. You're my hero, Deku, and I..." Her voice cracked horribly. "I can't stand the thought of you giving up more because of me."
Uraraka's eyes burned to the point she finally had to close them. She fought as hard as she could to keep the tears that wanted to break through locked behind her eyelids, resulting in only the smallest bit leaking through.
She could see it. The sheer joy on Midoriya's face as he lifted a giggling little girl high above his head, her hair the same fluffy mess as his. It was so easy to imagine him as a father. The happiness it would bring him.
And...it hurt so much to imagine someone else as the mother. To think of Midoriya being with someone else other than her.
Yet even with how much it hurt...she still couldn't come around to it. He wanted kids and she didn't. To keep holding onto him despite knowing that difference...it was selfish.
She...was selfish.
Her fingers parted and warmth slipped between them. Even without opening her eyes she recognized the familiar feeling. The roughness of his scars and calluses. The gentle strength of his squeeze. This hand of his was not one whose hold she'd ever forget. Not after back then. Not after the many times she'd needed it since.
On her cheek she felt the presence of his other hand, his thumb tenderly wiping away the wetness under her eye as it held her. Soon followed was a light pressure against her forehead, as well as a small tickle. He'd placed his head against hers, encouraging her to lean against him as much as she needed. The heat of his face caressed hers, making such a temptation impossible to resist.
After many long seconds and when she was sure nothing was going to come out, Uraraka fought against the stinging to open her eyes back up. As her vision focused into clarity from the initial blurriness, her entire world became those beautiful green eyes staring back at her, so filled with compassion and kindness. They hated seeing her like this.
The person behind them deserved so much more than she could give him.
"Come on." Midoriya said to her softly. A request. Not a demand. "Let's go sit down."
Uraraka didn't say anything. Her throat was so closed that she couldn't say anything. But she didn't need to. It was the smallest of nods she gave but her permission had been given, and by the hand he led her out of the kitchen. She almost felt like a lost child. Then again, she'd done this exact thing for him in the past, so she supposed she couldn't be too embarrassed.
It was only a short few feet to the couch in their living room. Some stuff had already been packed up in anticipation of the eventual move. Mostly just the non-essentials, thus why there were so few boxes. Among the "essentials" was naturally the wall of white, pink, and primary that were the figurines and posters of Uravity and All Might. Half of it was out here, the other half in their bedroom. The house they'd been looking at had a room that could act as Midoriya's at-home office, and naturally he promised he'd be putting all his collection in there, but she could already imagine the spillover that was inevitably going to happen. There was no way that one room was going to be able to contain this dedicated fanboy's ever-expanding horde.
Thoughts like that usually got a giggle out of Uraraka. She hated how much even just a smile felt beyond her face right now.
They sat down on the couch together, their hands never letting go. Faced toward each other at an angle, Midoriya gave her another minute. Or maybe it was one for him to use as well.
"I'm glad you told me all of this. ...And you're right. It is a big deal. I did...I have always imagined us having kids together."
It was something that was already understood but it had to be said aloud, no matter how pained it made Uraraka's face become or his heart to have made it such. They had to be on the same page and say everything. It was the only way they were going to get through this.
"What are we going to do?" Uraraka asked.
Midoriya's thumb rubbed the back of her hand, his eyes staring down at them for the longest time before finally looking back up to hers.
"I want to stay together."
"Izuku..."
"Wait." He gently interrupted her. "Please, just...just listen to what I have to say."
He didn't even need to ask. She wasn't sure what he even could say that could fix this, but if there was even a small chance... Regardless, he deserved to be able to say his piece, and she gave a soft nod for him to go ahead.
He needed a few seconds to get going. There was a difference between knowing what you wanted to say and knowing how to actually say it. There was a reason he'd developed such a habit of writing down his thoughts in his notebooks. It was hard to organize such a scattered mess when it was nothing more than a direct line from his brain to his mouth.
But he was going to do it. He had to do it. He needed to.
"You know about how I reached out to Tenko...but did I ever tell you about the times before that? The other two times I seriously thought about giving up One For All?"
That caught Uraraka off-guard. She blinked at Midoriya a few times, her thoughts trying to catch up with that statement.
"The first time was during the first Sports Festival, after I lost to Shoto." He continued, his eyes casting themselves down to the side. Even he wasn't entirely sure if it was in shame or embarrassment of the memory. "All Might challenged me before the festival began to use the event to make my debut. To tell the world that I Am Here. ...And after I lost, all I could think of was how much I must have let him down. He could have picked any other student at UA to be his successor. So many other amazing people with amazing Quirks. But he chose me, and I couldn't even do the one thing he'd asked of me.
"The second time was when we raided Chisaki's hideout to save Eri. And if it hadn't been for Eri, I wouldn't have survived, let alone been able to beat Chisaki. Meanwhile Togata had been able to protect her all on his own, even after his Quirk had been taken away. He was someone Nezu had directly recommended to All Might to consider as his successor but he ended up meeting me first. If there was anyone who actually deserved One For All, who could be the hero that All Might was with it..."
It'd been years but Uraraka had been there for those events and remembered them well, even if she obviously had never known what'd been going on in Midoriya's head at the time. Guess she wasn't the only one with a bad habit of hiding things.
"You're not really disproving my point." Uraraka finally had to say. "I might not have known the full story of what was going on back then, but I know for certain that All Might never once regretted choosing you. I don't think I've ever seen anyone more proud than when he talks about you. And Eri and Shoto, they would be the first to stand up and tell you what a difference you made in their lives. In all our lives...and you have so much trouble seeing that."
She wasn't wrong about that last part, even he had to admit that. It was a lot easier for him to see how others had lifted him up and made his life better than the other way around. But...
"It's part of my point too." Midoriya continued. "It...feels a bit egotistical to say it about myself, but...yeah, I'm not good at putting myself first, or at least knowing when I should. I've been blessed with so much. Been given such a great life. You all have said it to me over and over again but it's still hard to feel like I earned it. And it's just as hard for me to justify keeping some of those blessings to myself when they could go to someone else. I'm not saying it's easy to let them go, but...giving up One For All to reach out to Tenko? It wasn't even a choice. Even with how it went down, I'd still do it all over again. And the suit, there'll definitely be a day someday where I'll be passing it on. Like All Might did for me, it's not a power that should be just mine forever. There's going to be someone when I'm older who'll be more than worthy of it. You're right that I'm too self-sacrificing for my own good."
He squeezed her hands just a little tighter.
"But the one thing I've never felt that way about...the one thing I want all to myself...is you."
He was looking up, right into her eyes. The smile he gave her, it was small and soft yet horribly unfair. Did he have the slightest idea what it did to her heart?
"It's not that I feel I deserve you. No...no, it's just the opposite. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met. It's hard for me to believe some days you and I even exist on the same planet, let alone that we're together. You've saved me so many times, in so many ways. Made me a better hero, a better man. When I decided to become a teacher I was afraid I'd be letting you down but instead you supported and encouraged me every step of the way. You brought so much happiness into my life. Given me so many moments that lit up every day they were a part of. Every time you told me you loved me. Every time I got to see your smile after we moved in together. Our first date. The first time we...you know..."
His sudden bashfulness forced a small spitting laugh out from Uraraka's lips. It was so genuine it surprised her that she'd done it at all with how heavy the mood was, but honestly, how could she not? She knew exactly what he was referring to, and it wasn't like they'd only done it the one time either. That he could still get shy about it outside the bedroom...yeah, she definitely found it cute.
Getting his second wind, Midoriya continued. "You've given me so much. Made my life so amazing in ways I'll never be able to pay back. Not enough to where the scales feel even. And yet...even though I'm not fully convinced I deserve you...I've never once entertained the idea of letting you go. With every moment of happiness you gave me, all I could think was how much I wanted more and how much I needed to do whatever it took to hold onto you. By some miracle I had this incredible woman choose to be a part of my life and I knew that I needed to make sure that she never once regrets it."
He squeezed her hands tightly. Not so hard that he'd hurt her. Never that hard. But enough so that she could feel his seriousness.
"You wanted to hold onto me, even though you felt someone else might somehow be able to make me happier than you do, and you think that makes you selfish. Well, I guess I'm selfish too, because I'm the same way when it comes to you."
"Izuku, it's not the same." Uraraka shook her head, eyes keeping themselves cast down. "If we stay together...if you let me be selfish...then you'll be giving up something you want. Something that would make you happy in a way I can't. That's not you being selfish."
"It is the same." Midoriya refused to back down. "I'm my own worst critic. It's way too easy for me to think that there could be someone else out there more deserving of you. Who could make you happier than I do. But even with me being like that, I want to stay with you. I want to keep being the man who makes you happy. The man who, out of everyone in the world, is the one who gets to be loved by you."
"Stop."
"And so I'll fight as hard as I can to keep holding onto you, regardless of who might be more worthy. Giving up One For All. Not being a hero. Sure, those were hard. And not being a dad someday, it's a little disappointing...but even just the idea of giving you up...of having a life without you...of imagining you with someone else...it feels like I'm ripping out my own heart. I'm not being selfless by being okay with not having kids, because even I'm not selfless enough to ever willingly give up what brings me so much happiness."
"Stop. Please." Her thoughts begged him. The more he said, the harder it was for her not to give it to the temptation.
"I'm not 100% certain I don't want kids. I could change my mind someday." She said, trying to force herself to give a compromise. To talk herself into changing her mind for his sake.
"And there's just as much a chance that you won't. ...And don't think you should." Midoriya immediately refused it, specifically because he could see full well that it was something she was forcing. "You were right that we needed to talk about this now and so I'm giving you my answer now. And my answer is that it's okay. We won't have kids and I'm okay with that."
"You're making this too easy on me."
Midoriya needed a second to catch his breath. He wasn't exactly immune to the emotions of this moment either. "You're always giving me permission to be selfish. Well, I'm giving you the same permission." He said, putting the strength of conviction in his voice despite how much he was doing his best to avoid cracking from everything he was feeling, just as she was. "Don't think about me. Don't think about what'll make everybody else happy. Don't put your pain aside for someone else. Just tell me what you want, and I'll accept it."
"Just set him free. Don't hold him back. You knew you shouldn't have accepted his proposal to begin with when you didn't want to have kids!"
Quick as a flash, she finally lifted her head up.
"I want to marry you!" Uraraka blubbered, her tearful confession filling the entirety of their living room. "I want to wake up to your face every day in that house we picked! I want to keep eating your Katsudon and looking forward to whatever sweets you've picked out to surprise me with!"
Midoriya's eyes stung horribly from the heat until they could not contain it anymore, and waterworks that were more than familiar to his crybaby self started to flow just as messily as hers down his face. "I want to have more silly arguments with you over who gets to cook dinner!" He spoke his own confession.
"I want to keep making you all flustered when I flirt with you in front of your students!"
"I want to keep seeing your cute embarrassed face when I fawn over your new action figures and posters!"
"I want to keep rubbing my hands through your fluffy hair because of how good it feels!"
"I want to keep falling asleep in your lap whenever I've had a hard day!"
"I want to keep looking forward to hearing your voice in our phone calls whenever one of us is away!"
"I want to always be looking forward to coming home because it's our home! The one we made together!"
They just kept moving closer and closer to each other, neither likely even fully aware of the movements they were making on pure emotional instinct. His hands caressing her cheeks, while hers gripped his shirt by the shoulders.
"I want to keep hearing you say that you love me!" She blurted out from the pit of her stomach.
He didn't hesitate in the slightest. "I love you!"
"I love you!"
"I love you!"
"I love you!"
Their faces were so ugly from all their crying, and yet as they looked at each other their smiles had just gotten wider and wider with each declaration they made.
"You sound like almost as much of a crybaby as I am. I think I might have been a bad influence on you." Midoriya's hiccupped out.
Uraraka laughed at his little joke, her chest feeling so much lighter now. Her face was a mess with snot and tears and yet somehow it seemed like she could breathe easier. "You have trouble asking for help. I have trouble opening up. I think your crybabyness rubbing off on me is just what I need sometimes."
They placed their foreheads together as they kept crying and laughing. Eyes closed and their hands never leaving the other's body.
The apartment was so quiet now. Pleasantly so. The only sound Midoriya could hear was that of Uraraka's breathing, and it was so light there was no doubt it was only because she was so close.
His smile was full of bliss as he watched her snooze away against his shoulder. His hand couldn't resist stroking a few strands of her hair, though as carefully as he could, the last thing in the world he wanted right now being to wake her up.
"She looks so peaceful." He thought, hoping the beating of his heart wasn't so loud that it was about to push her out of slumber. She didn't look particularly dignified, no. He could already feel the drool that was oozing down his shirt from her mouth. But that in its own way was a good sign. The two of them had shared a bed for long enough that he'd come to know her sleep habits well. This kind of state meant she actually was relaxed. "...This really had been weighing on her." He remarked with some somber lamentation.
They were still on the couch. They'd moved only in that they were now leaning back rather than sitting straight exactly where they'd been. Dinner was almost certainly stone-cold by now. At least the Daifuku was meant to be eaten that way. He could actually see her using that as an excuse to sneak one while they'd be reheating that Katsudon and rice later.
When things had calmed down, the two had continued to talk for a while. And there was likely more they were going to need to talk about tomorrow. While she worked more with children and those who worked with them, Uraraka did bring up a few relationship councilors they could see. Just in case there were any final bumps in the road they may need to work out.
"Honestly...it's not a bad idea." Midoriya admitted internally, releasing a breath that eased his spine as he turned his head lazily up towards the ceiling.
He had meant every word he said. What he wanted was to be with her, kids or not. A future with her was one he was going to fight for and would never sacrifice. She meant so much more to him than anything else.
But...Uraraka had been worried to bring all this up for a reason. She'd come to know him well too.
Yes, there was a part of him that did want kids, and even in the relief of all that had happened, to the point even Uraraka had to point out he didn't push very hard to try and convince her to be more open to the idea, that part of him was feeling the pangs of loss from now knowing it'll never happen. Talking about it with a councilor was a good idea. Work everything out and get some full closure and acceptance of the idea so that they could properly move forward into their future together.
He closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth of Uraraka's weight on him. He was torn between the temptation to drift off to sleep too and the desire to stay in this moment of domestic bliss.
They hadn't reached the end of the road on this whole thing yet, but they had assured each other well enough that they had little worry they wouldn't be able to get through it. They both were committed to getting married. They both were committed to staying together and sharing a life. That was more than enough to work with. They were going to be okay.
Midoriya's mind drifted.
She had said she wasn't sure how long she'd known that she didn't want to have kids. That was fair, of course. He didn't know when he'd started wanting kids. Couldn't have been until at least high school, if not late high school. The little boy before then had his thoughts more on being a Pro Hero than being a dad, which wasn't that surprising, considering.
Shoto was a good friend and had once tried to see if he needed to open up about it, but the honest truth was that Midoriya didn't really have any resentments towards his father, in part because he didn't have many strong feelings about him in general. He'd hardly ever seen him growing up. He was always abroad. Always on business to support the family. Always away. The strongest Midoriya felt about it was feeling bad for his mom with how lonely she'd sometimes get, but as for himself...no, there wasn't really anything. To him, his family had pretty much always just been him and his mom. A father in the picture wasn't the norm, so it was hard to feel its absence.
With that being the case though, what was it about being a dad that appealed to him then? He didn't think he was just imagining himself in e same role as his mom.
Midoriya's thoughts drifted more. He wasn't asleep yet but the lines were certainly starting to blur.
"Fear not, citizens! Hope has arrived!"
"..."
"You're making fine progress, my boy. I'm proud of you."
"..."
"From here on out, I'm devoting myself to your development. Despite my condition, we'll do our best, okay?"
"..."
"Take this to heart kid. You've also earned this power fair and square."
A memory passed through his mind; his hair being roughly messed with as a large hair rubbed his head. A proud smile almost bigger than the thin man's face beaming down at him.
Midoriya opened his eyes, blinking a few times in realization.
His head turned to look over at their wall of merchandise. In particular, for whatever reason, his eyes was drawn to the All Might figure with its fist raised in the air; a reference to his iconic victory in Kamino Ward.
"...Oh."
That really would explain it, huh? If he weren't afraid of waking Uraraka he probably would have laughed at himself for being so obvious.
...He should give him a call later.
His mom too.
Midoriya could only see the faintest glow of streetlights from the closest window. It was getting pretty late. Uraraka had tomorrow off but he still had a class to teach. Plus there were all the ideas he'd had running through his head for Yasmin's training that he should write down before he forgot any of them.
That's right, Eri had also invited him and Kota to her band's next performance in a few days. It was at a small cafe he'd been meaning to bring Uraraka to, so that was perfect. Mirio had been poking fun of Aizawa for about a week now over the rumor that the new song she'd been working on was about him.
JokiJoki had been coming to him in private lately with questions about The League of Villains. Most of them he felt too self-conscious about asking in front of the rest of the class but they were good ones and he'd been enjoying hearing the kid's thoughts on the book. It's why he'd assigned it as required reading to beginning with. He wondered if ere was a way they could get a nice group discussion going without putting JokiJoki too much on the spot.
"Huh... Look at that." Midoriya remarked as he felt his face, confirming there was indeed a smile there, just from those stray thoughts.
Uraraka had believed he'd be more upset over not having kids. And while he was a little sad, he was a bit surprised that he wasn't more upset than that.
But...maybe that was the reason why right there.
"I wonder if All Might ever felt like that about me." Were Midoriya's final thoughts as he snuggled closer with his future wife.
Author's Notes: Something I want to make clear is that I am absolutely not against Uraraka and Midoriya having a child together. In fact, if the eventual confirmation we get of them being a couple is Horikoshi going "Hey, look! Here's a panel of them as a big happy family!" I will be one of the first to go cheering about it across the internet.
This was just an idea I had for a short little story between the two of them that I wanted to try out.