Cole paced in circles around the Monastery courtyard, fiddling with a little pebble. He frowned deeply, his stomach twisted in a knot. Anxious thoughts raced through his head in a storm.
We've been a team for so long now… They wouldn't make fun of me for this, right..? I'm overreacting… Of course they wouldn't make fun of me!
He looked up at the purple dusk sky, where faint stars were beginning to appear. The peace did nothing to soothe him.
Jay would never crack a joke when he knows it's serious… He'd take me seriously! …Right? What if they think I'm being ridiculous…? They wouldn't! Would they…?
Cole's thoughts argued back and forth in a battle that couldn't be won. He puffed out a sigh and fought the urge to crush the pebble into dust.
The doors to the Monastery slid open, revealing Lloyd. He stepped out onto the wooden patio and watched Cole pace around, seemingly in a trance. He waited for the Earth Ninja to notice him, but his gaze remained fixed on the ground in front of him.
"Hey, Cole," Lloyd greeted.
Cole stopped. He slowly looked over at Lloyd, making no effort to express any emotion.
"Hey," he mumbled.
"The others are getting settled in for bed," Lloyd explained.
"This early?"
"Yeah. They're exhausted. It's been a long day."
Cole looked back at the ground.
"Do you… want to come join us?" Lloyd asked hesitantly.
"N-no. I'm good," Cole answered.
Lloyd stared at Cole, studying his expression. He closed the Monastery doors and stepped down onto the pavement.
"Is something bothering you, Cole?" he inquired.
Cole didn't respond at first. He rolled the pebble back and forth between his thumb and index finger, pressing harder until the pebble's hard edges dug into his skin.
"I'm just… thinking," he said finally.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Lloyd asked.
Cole hesitated again. His heart beat faster, the knot in his stomach tightening. He couldn't bear to look at Lloyd as his breathing sped up and his skin grew clammy.
"You know what Master Wu tells us," Lloyd began hesitantly, daring to approach Cole. "It's not good for you to keep your feelings bottled up. If there's something bothering you, you need to let it out."
"R-right," Cole mumbled.
"Look, you know I would never force you into telling me anything. If you're not ready yet, then you don't have to say anything about it. I just don't want this to weigh you down. I'm here if you want to talk about it."
It's been weighing me down…, Cole thought.
"Lloyd… I…"
He trailed off. Lloyd waited for him to continue his sentence, but he remained silent.
"What is it, Cole?" the Green Ninja asked gently, finally walking around until Cole could see him at the edge of his vision.
Cole drug his gaze up to the sky. He counted the stars, not even sure himself if he wanted to stall or not. He looked over at the closed doors marking the Monastery's front entrance.
"The others aren't gonna come out here, Cole. I'm sure of it. Jay could hardly keep his eyes open, last I saw him," Lloyd said.
Cole stared at the doors in silence. The knot in his stomach tightened even more when he finally dared to look into Lloyd's green eyes. His heart ached at the concern on the Green Ninja's face.
"Lloyd..… c-... can we talk?" he asked.
"Of course we can," Lloyd replied.
Cole looked away, his shoulders slouching. He turned around and leapt up onto the Monastery's roof. The pain stabbing his heart began to seep into his expression as he climbed up the shingles and sat down. He stared blankly at the ground below while Lloyd jumped up beside him.
"What's on your mind?" the Green Ninja asked as he wriggled in discomfort.
Cole was silent for several seconds, his gaze unwavering. He let go of the little pebble and watched it tumble down the roof until it hit the ground.
"You… care about me," he mumbled out.
"Yeah, of course I do. We all care about you," Lloyd replied.
Cole looked at Lloyd. He stared at the Green Ninja, before looking back at the ground without saying anything.
Lloyd didn't comment. He waited in a patient, respectful silence for his dear friend to find his words.
"I remember when we found out Zane was a Nindroid. We never thought any different of him," Cole said quietly.
Lloyd nodded.
"Lloyd…" Cole hesitated, breathing heavier. "You weren't there… when that happened. But, you didn't think any different of him either, when he told you."
"I thought Zane being a Nindroid was awesome," Lloyd muttered in embarrassment at the old memories.
"And… when Nya wanted to join the team… you took her right in. You never judged her, or thought she was any less than the rest of us."
Lloyd's eyes widened. His own stomach twisted into a knot from the gravity of Cole's words pressing down on his shoulders.
Is Cole afraid of being judged..? That can't be! We've always accepted each other, no matter what… I could never imagine rejecting ANY of the ninja! We're a team, AND a family!
"And we didn't judge you when you became a ghost, either. You were still the same Cole," he pointed out.
Cole's lips twitched into a visible smile. Lloyd said nothing, daring to wonder if his words had comforted the Earth Ninja.
"Lloyd… you're my best friend. It… really means a lot to me," Cole mumbled.
"I care about you, Cole. I care about all of you. I'll never turn my back to you," Lloyd replied.
Cole looked away.
"I mean it. You all mean the world to me, and nothing will ever change that. I'm proud to fight alongside you, and I will always be there for you. You should never be scared of being judged or rejected, because we will always love you no matter what happens," Lloyd continued.
Cole looked back at Lloyd. His smile had faded, replaced by a deep, quivering frown. He opened his mouth and inhaled softly, but no sound came out. He tried a second time, but his throat failed to verbalize the swarm of thoughts raging within him. So, he gave up, and looked away again in shame.
Lloyd's heart ached. He looked out at the sky, and for a moment he contemplated if he was a failure. How could he let this happen? His own best friend, scared to speak his mind?
No. I'm not a failure. We all have shit we don't like to talk about… But I can't let Cole feel like he can't trust me…
"Cole…," he began, scooting closer to the Earth Ninja.
Cole looked back at Lloyd again, causing the Green Ninja to freeze. That look in Cole's eyes… The unmistakable glimmer of pure fear.
Cole said nothing. He stared at Lloyd, his vocal cords paralyzed like a deer in headlights.
"Cole, we've all been through shit. The last thing you deserve is to suffer even more. I am always here if you want to open up, no matter what it is. No matter how bad, no matter how ugly… I'm right here. I'll listen to all of it. You know that. I just… I just don't want this to fuck you up on the inside if you keep it to yourself." Lloyd grabbed Cole's hand and squeezed it until he could feel the tremors beneath the skin. "Please, don't be scared. You're family, and we will never judge you. I will never force you to tell me anything, but… I want you to get it off your chest, because I know how much it fucking hurts to keep that shit buried inside you."
Cole nodded slowly, his lips quivering slightly.
"I'll stay up with you all night and talk if it helps. I want you to be able to sleep peacefully," Lloyd continued, letting go of Cole's hand.
Cole looked down at his lap. He thought over his options carefully, his heart beating faster and the thoughts swarming harder.
Amidst the anxiety, a faint sense of peace took root.
"Lloyd…" Cole looked at Lloyd once more, his body rigid and tears shimmering in his eyes. "You'll always accept us no matter what?"
"No matter what," Lloyd said with a firm nod.
Cole nodded back. The tension throughout his body began to loosen its grip, but the knot in his stomach remained unable to be unwound. His vision almost seemed to close around him. Nothing in all of Ninjago mattered to him but the words that would come out of Lloyd's mouth next.
"L-Lloyd… I….."
Lloyd waited patiently.
"I'm… I'm asexual," Cole confessed.
"..."
Silence.
Lloyd's eyes slowly widened more and more as his mind processed what he was just told. He just stared at Cole, who trembled in fear and struggled not to collapse under the weight of anticipation.
"You're… asexual?" Lloyd finally mumbled.
"Y-yeah… I've been reflecting for a while now, and… I realized that I'm asexual," Cole replied, his voice shaking.
Lloyd blinked multiple times. "H… how?"
Cole gasped softly, hardly able to contain the tidal wave of emotions surging through him. "What do you mean 'how'?"
Lloyd inhaled, but no sound came out. He looked away, fear coming to his own face.
"Cole, umm…"
"Yeah…?"
Cole relaxed slowly, the ache in his heart numbed by the flash of pain he'd seen on Lloyd's face as he'd looked away. Now it was his turn to wait patiently.
"I… uhh…" Lloyd sighed softly and looked back at Cole. "I… guess I have something to say, too."
Cole's eyes widened to the size of saucers, his heart leaping into his throat. Could it be possible…?
"I… well… my… Oh, man…" Lloyd rubbed the back of his head nervously. "I realized something about myself, too, a while ago…"
"What is it?" Cole asked softly. "You can tell me."
"Errr…"
Lloyd cringed and fiddled his hands. He looked around anxiously as if he was afraid of being watched as he scooted ever closer to Cole. He held his hands against his chest and leaned towards Cole.
"I… I think I can reproduce asexually," he whispered.
Cole's eyes widened so much it nearly hurt. Lloyd cowered in embarrassment at the shock on the Earth Ninja's face.
"I-I know it's weird. But… I guess it's because of my heritage. I… I had no idea you could do it too," he continued.
Cole's expression instantly twisted into a gawk of horror. "Wh-what? What the hell are you talking about?"
"You… said you were asexual. So… you can have kids without a partner, right? How is that possible? Is it because you're the Master of Earth? But you have two parents, don't you?"
"Lloyd… that's not what I meant…"
"What?"
Cole sighed shakily, the shock wearing off. His anxiety and heartache swiftly returned knowing he still didn't have an answer.
"Asexual means you can reproduce on your own, doesn't it? I don't understand," Lloyd said.
"There's… more than one meaning. Asexual is also a… sexual orientation," Cole reluctantly explained, his heart pounding.
Lloyd's eyes widened. He let out a quick gasp before his heart was crushed in guilt.
"I… I'm so sorry, Cole…. I-I didn't mean to…."
"It's okay. I'm not mad," Cole interjected gently.
Lloyd took his own deep breath in an attempt to compose himself and calm the hurricane of thoughts swarming within him.
"Y-you're queer," he breathed in realization.
Cole nodded slowly, ice-cold fear stabbing his heart. "Yeah. That's the kind of asexual I am."
"So you're not like me, then. You still need to…. y'know…"
Lloyd rammed his hands together suggestively. Cole grimaced at him, knowing what he had to say next.
"Umm… yeah, but… asexuals don't really…. want to do that….," he muttered.
"What do you mean?" Lloyd asked.
"I'm not… into that stuff. I don't feel that way towards people."
"You don't want to have sex with anyone? Ever?"
"Yeah. I don't feel that desire, and I never have."
Lloyd nodded thoughtfully, taking a moment to further get his thoughts under control. "You're just not attracted to people that way?"
"Exactly."
"Well I don't think you're weird or strange for that. It's just the way you are."
Cole perked up, a smile coming to his face. "Really?"
"Of course, Cole. We're all different in our own ways. It doesn't make you any less of a ninja, or a friend. I would never judge you for who you like, or who you're attracted to. Or… what you're not attracted to. I've never wanted to do anything sexual with someone either."
"That means a lot to me, Lloyd. And, uhh… I don't think you're weird either. I'm sorry I reacted that way. I thought you were going to say you're asexual like me, and I was… just a little caught off guard."
Lloyd chuckled awkwardly and rubbed the back of his head. "It's okay. I understand now. We're both asexual, just in different ways, but… also in kind of the same way."
"Yeah. Exactly."
"I'm proud of you for getting that off your chest. Do you feel better?"
Cole nodded.
"Good. You'll always be our Cole, no matter what. We can talk to the others whenever you're ready."
Cole's smile grew. Tears welled up in his eyes, turning Lloyd into a blur. Even through the tears, he saw Lloyd reach out his arms, and happily accepted.
The two ninja embraced gently. Tears streaked down Cole's face as he rested his head on Lloyd's shoulder. He cried softly knowing he was still loved, no matter what.
Happy Asexual Awareness Week! I hope to write more stories like this in the future =)