When Fiona woke up, she found herself in bed, alone. There was a smell of cooking. She smiled as she rose and showered. The sound of breakfast sizzling in the pan became audible as she emerged into the hall, along with humming and the squeak of a wheel of Steven's indoor chair. She found a plate of pancakes and bacon already at her place as she emerged into the dining room. On the other side of the table, Steven came wheeling out of the kitchen with his own plate on a tray. "Good morning," he said. "I felt like giving you the special treatment. Last night was, mm, very nice. Not that they usually aren't."
He set his tray on the table. "There was something else I borrowed from you, the night I was at your place," he said. "I'm ready to give it back." He reached over his shoulder into a pocket of the chair. He set a pistol on the table beside his tray. It was plated in bright chrome, with a compact form and odd proportions that made it look stubby in his huge hands. "Hmm, but that can wait. Eat up."
Fiona ate her breakfast. Steven did the same with every sign of unusual enthusiasm. They managed to keep up their usual small talk. Finally, she said, "So. I guess we both said some things last night. Is… Is there anything we need to talk about now?"
"No," he said. He ate the last bite on his plate and set down his fork. "Well, maybe one thing." He steepled his hands. "You said you loved me."
"Ah," she said. "I… wasn't sure you were awake."
"I go in and out," he said. "I've told you that."
She mustered a smile. "I did say, I think I love you," she said.
"I'd say that's as good as half pregnant," he said.
She ran a hand through her hair. "That's fair," she said. "I was thinking about it more. A lot more. The answer is, yes. I do love you. I already loved you before I made love to you."
Steven's face only hardened. "Are you going to say you love me more than him?" he asked sternly.
She took the last bite from her own plate. "That, I really don't know," she said. "That's why I haven't felt sure. I think, maybe, just different. Everything with you has been different."
He nodded. "That's understandable," he said. "There are things I have limited experience in myself. That includes marriage. The experiences I have had were once when I doubted my instincts, and a second time when she needed time to see that I was right. With you, I waited as long as I did so you wouldn't rush in. So we are clear, do you want to be my wife? Are you allowed to?"
"Yes," she said, already faltering. "Marrying you is an approved part of my mission. And I want to. They couldn't order me to do if I didn't."
"What if they gave you another mission?" Steven said. "I heard a story, of one of yours named Neap Tide. We have our own stories, too."
"It would not happen, not now," Fiona said. "After seeing how well Dr. Loid Forger has done, they are in favor of long-term pairings."
"What about falling in love?" Steven said. "You told me you made yourself fall in love with him. But there was a little more to it, wasn't there? Chloe told me a story about someone who sounded a lot like your other teacher."
Fiona lowered her eyes. "When I looked him up, I made him an offer," she said. "I told him he could be the man I loved. We could take care of each other, when we weren't on duty. I said maybe, when we were both ready to bow out, we could get together and see if we could make it work for real." Her eyes flicked upward. She met only Steven's intent stare. "He… he told me he thought I could never love anyone. Then he said- he said they paid him double just to touch me, and he wouldn't do it again if they had his eggs in a nutcracker!"
"He was a cruel man," Steven said. "I can understand why you wanted to prove him wrong. So what about me?" An edge had returned to his voice. "Did you make yourself fall in love with me, too?"
"No!" she said. Tears sprang from her eyes. "I didn't have to!"
"Well, there were people who wanted me to pretend for you," he said. "I didn't have to, either. I have grown very fond of you. These few months with you have been the happiest of my life. So I do not do this lightly." He pointed the gun at her. "Give me my ring back."
"Please," she said. She still removed the ring. At a gesture, she tried to roll it across the table. It bounced, and he caught it with a free hand. Tears were in his own eyes.
"This is how much that hurt me," he said. He pointed the gun at his own temple. "I told you, I've seen enough people quit to know they aren't any better or worse than the ones who keep fighting like me," he said. "But there's a big difference among them. Some, maybe most, will just do it any time, any old way. Then there's the planners. They're the ones who will do it just right, or they won't do it at all. When I saw this gun, I thought it looked like it was there for something special. I was sure when I took a look at the bullets."
He ejected a round and held it up. It was flat-nosed and ugly, made of unjacketed lead. He lowered the pistol. "Now, tell me one more thing about him," he said. "You said you wanted to die for him. Would he die for you?"
"Yes," she said. "That's why I knew I could love him!"
"Answer the question I ask," Steven said. "For what it's worth, I think you're right. He would, the same way he would for his little girl. So if he could watch from wherever we go, would he like it if you were going to take your own life just because you couldn't have him?"
"No!" Fiona screeched. "Oh, Steven, don't do that! You wouldn't! You can't!"
He swore in his own speech. "No, I suppose not," he said. He set down the gun. "Then I suppose you'll just have to do it for me, won't you?" He slid the gun across the table.
"What are you talking about?" she wailed.
"If you want my ring back, you have two choices," he said. "Give me that gun. Or promise me, when you do what you're going to do, it will be after you put one of those bullets in my head!"
"Steven!" she sobbed. "Why?"
"Because I love you, too," he said. "Only I don't want you to die for me, I want you to live for the woman I thought I saw in you! Until you decide, get the Hell out of my house!"
And Fiona continued to sob as she ran out the door. She carried only a small duffel of her clothes and a shoe box bound together with tape.