Thank you so much for reading. I can't even tell you how much it means when I see a new comment posted. It really means the world to me.
FireandBlood- you are a true friend! Thank you so much for taking the time to read in the midst of everything that goes along with life and being busy. I really appreciate you.
Guest- I'm kind of annoyed with Ezra, too, and I'm the one writing it. lol. But that's what I love about Ezra on the show- he can never do it right the first time. He learns through the school of hard knocks. :) Vin is really breaking my heart, but I have a sequel planned for him. :) I'm already writing it, I just need to finish writing and posting this. But Vin's story is still happening in this fic.
SamiKamii- You are amazing! Thank you for reading all my other stories! (I'm a little embarrassed by some of my older stories, so especially thank you for giving those ones a try. :) ) And thank you so much for letting me know you're still reading! That meant a lot to hear!
Luvreading- I don't know how to tell you how much I appreciate you being so faithful to read my stories and leave comments. I think of you often (especially when I haven't been able to post for awhile! I never want to leave you waiting too long since you're such a devoted follower!) I have plans for Vin! He's too sweet to just leave him heartbroken over Kaylee. And their friendship is too good to give up on. :)

Chapter 60

Ezra had no idea what to think.

That wasn't true.

He knew exactly what to think about himself. His stupidity and stubborn blindness that had put Kaylee in this mess was unforgiveable. He didn't deserve forgiveness. He had never deserved her. That much was clear.

But now she was carrying his child.

Just thinking that sent his thoughts into a jumbled mess all over again. What was he supposed to do?

"Ezra?" Kaylee's tentative voice broke through his uncoordinated thoughts.

He jerked his attention to her.

She was in the passenger seat, looking at him, concern creasing her forehead.

They had pulled up in front of that world weary trailer she was living in, the truck parked in the drive. He wondered how long they had been sitting there.

Gathering himself, he turned the truck off. Whatever he was supposed to be doing, it wasn't keeping her out in the driveway. She looked ready to collapse.

He hurried around, standing near her as she got out of the truck, but not offering a hand. He wasn't sure if she would appreciate his touch. He was just thankful she was letting him stay with her. He hated the thought of leaving her on her own, something he had already done for too long.

He was despicable.

The door wasn't broken from him pushing it open earlier, but it wasn't closing evenly. He'd look at that in the morning.

"I have blankets…." Kaylee said. She looked around the dated, faded living room. "The couch isn't comfortable."

"I don't need comfort," he said. He needed to be near her. He wasn't leaving her, or forcing her away. Not again.

Kaylee nodded, then headed toward a room at the back. Ezra followed her. She pulled a couple folded blankets from a closet shelf and handed them to him. Ezra took them, surveying the room. The room was drafty, chilled.

She motioned toward the short hallway. "The bathroom's there. If you need anything…"

Ezra shook his head.

Kaylee closed her eyes, like the day was too much to bear.

Silence filled the room.

"You…" Ezra started, then stopped. He shifted the blankets in his arms. For the millionth time, he wondered what he was supposed to do.

Be gentle with her.

Vin's parting instruction, more of a warning really, echoed in his head.

"Kaylee," he said.

She didn't respond other than the slight twitch of her jaw.

He set the blankets aside. He moved toward her, not sure if he would be welcome in her space, but suddenly needing to touch her. He wanted to comfort her. To make up for all he had done to her.

He reached a cautious hand to her cheek.

She stilled. He silently cursed himself. He had no right—

And then she leaned into his hand, like she had done a hundred times before.

"Ezra," she breathed.

There was so much loss, longing, in the way she said his name. He didn't want her to hurt anymore.

His other hand came up, framing her face. Her hair tickled the backs of his hands when it fell against his skin. She kept her eyes closed. Her lips trembled.

He kissed her.

He pressed his lips to hers, and she responded like no time had passed. Her hands gripped his shoulders, like he was a lifeline. He would be that for her. If that's what she needed, he would carry her to safety.

His hands tangled in her hair. He savored the familiar scent of her. The feel of her. The way she kissed him.

He should slow down. She was vulnerable. She was pregnant. He had no idea if she was even supposed to be doing…this in her condition. But when he started to pull away, she whispered.

"I've missed you."

That was all it took to break down any last vestige of self-control. And then his hands were helping her out of her sweatshirt, kisses were falling along his jawline, his neck. She was pulling his shirt from him, her eyes landing on the tattoo on his collarbone he had got shortly after their wedding. She moved to kiss him, eyes not lingering on the tattoo. His fingers went to the small of her back to trace over the tattoo she had there. The king of hearts.

He was the joker. He knew it, and he was sure Kaylee knew it now, but he still loved her.

When they fell onto her unmade bed, it was just him and Kaylee again, nothing between them. Nothing slowing their desperate need for each other. He could almost pretend that last few months hadn't happened.

He knew that wasn't true, but for now, he would share in the respite from reality with her.

#

Buck couldn't stop whistling. Chris and Mary. He hadn't thought Chris would ever make that kind of commitment again. Not with the pain that had shadowed his every move since losing Sarah and Adam years ago. And now Chris was settled down with a woman he loved and a boy Buck knew he thought of like a son.

Inez came out of the bedroom, her satiny pajamas highlighting the gloss of her hair as it fell over her shoulder. Her steps slowed when she saw him. She had been reserved, watching him over at Chris', taking in the unexpected celebration. But he had seen the way she sincerely congratulated Mary, even as she cast worried looks toward Vin.

Buck didn't want to think about Vin right now. Something was clearly off with him. But he wanted to focus on Inez. How she had spent the evening near his side. Had even linked her fingers with his when they walked back to the bunkhouse after dinner at Chris'. Chris and Mary's.

And now she was looking at him. Watching him spread his blankets out on the couch where he slept without complaint.

"You could sleep in your own bed," Inez said.

Buck straightened and looked at her in horror. "And have you sleep on the couch? In your condition? Inez, Darlin', I'm a lot of things, but I'd never treat a woman like that."

"I know you wouldn't," she said solemnly. She took a step toward him, but stopped, the span of the living room still between them.

"Is the bed hurting your back?" Buck asked. He frowned in concern. That pregnancy book he had been working his way through had talked about back pain and trouble sleeping. "We can get you a different mattress. Or there's some special pillows…"

Inez was staring at him. "Buck," she interrupted. "I meant with me."

"What?" he asked.

"I meant, do you want to sleep in your own bed? With me."

Buck gaped at her. She—wanted—she…

This was what he had wanted. Since the day she showed up at his door. No, since the day he had driven away from Vegas without her.

She was beautiful and she was willing and she was right there. Inviting him into the bedroom with her.

"I can't," he said. Judging by the way she raised her eyebrows, she was as surprised by his refusal as he was. What was he saying? Inez pressed her lips together. She nodded, but didn't say anything. This time her feet carried her backwards a couple steps.

"I mean, I can," Buck clarified, rushing forward. "I definitely can. That ain't a problem, believe me," he said. "I just ain't…" his thoughts clarified and he struggled trying to put it into words without scaring Inez away. "That ain't what I want with you anymore."

Wrong words. He could see that as soon as the hurt and confusion marred her pretty face.

"I see," she said quietly.

"No!" he burst out. When had he turned into a bumbling fool around a pretty woman? Too much time with JD, he surmised. "I mean that's not all I want," he clarified. He crossed the rest of the way to her. Mistake. Big mistake. Being this close to Inez with her spiced orange scent filling his head and it only taking a little move of his hand to thread that silky smooth hair through his fingers…

"I want more than that with you, Inez. I don't want to just share a bed. I want to share a life."

Inez stilled, her big brown eyes locked on his.

"I want to do this right," Buck said, leaning in earnestly. He combed his fingers through her hair. "I want to marry you, Inez. I want to share my bed," he quickly clarified, wanting to make sure that misunderstanding was definitively cleared up. "But not until you know I mean everything I've said. I want to put a ring on your finger and make promises to you, and then spend the rest of my life making good on those promises."

Inez just stared at him. He took a shaky breath. This was too important to screw up.

"Look, we don't have to get married tomorrow. Chris and Ezra have the corner on spur of the moment weddings. But I want to do right by our baby. I want to be a real family."

Inez kept looking at him. All her sass and eye rolls and comebacks for him seemed to have fled her.

"Hang on. Just hang on. Stay here," Buck said, putting his hands on her shoulders. He ducked around her and went to the couple of dresser drawers he still occupied in his room since handing it over to Inez. He fished out what he was looking for and hurried back to her. She was in the mood to listen right now and he wasn't about to ruin that by taking his sweet time.

He got back in front of her and took her hand in his.

"Inez. Darlin'. You know I haven't wanted anything but you since the day I met you. And I'm tryin' to feel bad about you getting fired and losing your apartment because you were pregnant, but I just can't. It brought you to me. It gave us a chance to share in our baby together." He reached out a hand and rested it on her rounded stomach, the awe he'd felt since she told him the news about the baby not waning in the slightest. "I love you," he said.

Inez' eyes were the softest caramel, warm and sweet. Buck could get lost in them. "Te amo, Buck," she said softly. Buck knew the words. He had heard her saying them to their unborn child. He had read them in the Spanish books he was trying to learn from.

She loved him, too.

He dropped down to his knee, showing her the ring in his free hand. The ring he had bought right after she arrived and had been stashed in his drawer ever since.

Inez opened her mouth, but Buck cut her off. She needed to at least hear him out before she refused.

He concentrated on the words he had been working at for over a month, knowing eventually there would be the perfect time to say them. He really hoped this was that time.

"Quiero casarme contigo." I want to marry you. He felt those words into his bones. Like there would never be anything he wanted more. "Eres toda la que quiero." She was all he wanted. All he would ever want. "Quiero ser tu hombre." He wanted to be her man.

There. He had said all he wanted to say. He had remembered the words he had studied and practiced.

Inez' eyes had been filling with tears. She blinked them back. Her mouth moved like she was fighting a smile. And darned if she didn't snort a little like she was holding back a laugh.

She gave his hands a squeeze. "I want to marry you, too, Buck." The words were enough to bowl Buck over. "And I'd be happy to have you be my shoulder."

"What?" Her strange phrase gave pause to the elation that had been building in him.

"Mi hombro," she said softly. "My shoulder."

Aw hell. He hadn't made it through flawlessly. Before he could correct himself, she was leaning forward, planting her lips on his, then resting her head on his shoulder.

Well ok. He'd be her man and her shoulder.

#

Ezra couldn't sleep. Even with Kaylee next to him. The winter wind sounded like it could blow a window loose at any moment. The mattress was thin and uncomfortable. He was fairly certain a couple shingles had blown off the roof. And the bathroom faucet leaked with a constant drip.

All that wouldn't have prevented sleep. Not with Kaylee next to him again. But the thought of her being exiled here—by him—and living like this for the past months was enough to make him sick.

He sat up, careful to not jostle her. Judging by the dark circles under her eyes, she needed every minute of sleep afforded her. He swung his feet out of bed, feeling the rough, worn carpeting with no cushion under him. He grabbed his clothes and pulled them on.

He hadn't imagined this. When he had sent her away, his only thought had been stopping the pain. The fierce sting of betrayal and gut wrenching hurt. He had assumed she had enough money taken from cons to go find a comfortable place somewhere.

He stalked across the small living room. He didn't want to be in the same room as himself. He clenched and unclenched his fists. He hadn't only done this to her. He had done it to their child.

The sound of a quiet alarm buzzed from the bedroom.

There was the sound of rustling blankets and a groan. Then the alarm was silenced. Quiet from the other room.

Ezra went to the doorway. He rapped softly.

Kaylee's head jerked up to look at him. The stricken look on her face changed to shock when she saw him.

"You're still here," she said quietly. Relief made her words breathy.

He deserved that. He knew she didn't mean anything by it. And it was entirely true that she shouldn't expect to see him still here after how he had behaved. What he had done to her. He made sure his face was impassive, no way for her see his inner turmoil and take on any guilt for that.

"I hope that's alright," he said.

Her expressive mouth drew into a line. She looked like she was wrestling with her own internal demons. But, true to form, she didn't tell him what they were. "You don't have to stay." He thought she may have tried to square her shoulders off, but they barely moved from their exhausted forward slump of defeat.

He was despicable. He had never deserved her.

"I would like to. If you don't mind?" Saying the words was easy. Keeping the tone light so he didn't put any pressure on her. Waiting for her answer was torture. His entire chest seized up and he couldn't imagine what he would do if she turned him away.

"I…" Kaylee looked up at him uncertainly. Everything in him wanted to grab her and never let her go. To tell her he would make this up to her. He didn't deserve another chance, but he would do whatever it took to try to earn one. He tucked his hands into the pockets of his jeans, knowing he had no claim to pressuring her to take him back.

"I can drive you back over to the hospital," he said. "Check on your mother with you."

A sigh that sounded like it started somewhere around her toes lifted her chest and then dropped her shoulders.

"I have to go to work," she said. "I'll check on my mom later."

Ezra frowned before he caught himself. Of course she had a job. Clearly her mother couldn't hold one down.

"Do you think you should call in for the day? I'm sure your employer would understand."

Kaylee stared blankly at the floor in front of her. Then looked up at him, emptiness in her green eyes. "I'll see you after work," she said.

Last night, he had wanted nothing more than to be close to her. To feel her again. And for a short time they had been able to ignore their reality. But clearly that wasn't going to extend into the daylight.

"Alright," Ezra said with a nod. "I'll see you then. Would you like a ride?"

Kaylee held his gaze. "I've been taking care of myself for a long time, Ezra." She dropped her eyes, swallowing hard.

"Of course," he said. It made sense. She wouldn't want him intruding. Not when he was the least trustworthy man she had met.

"You can call if you need anything," he offered as he made his way from the room.

She didn't answer and he knew she wasn't going to tell him if she needed anything.

#

Kaylee dragged herself through putting the last load of sheets in the dryer. Hettie would be taking over for the afternoon at the motel and would get them when they were done.

She started the machine and went to get her purse and keys from the office.

Hettie looked up from her computer. "See you tomorrow, dear."

Kaylee nodded. Tomorrow she'd be here. And the day after that.

She quickly grabbed hold of those thoughts before they could spiral into a hopelessness she wouldn't be able to lift.

She started the truck—Ezra's truck—and pulled out onto the highway. She would go to the hospital before heading home. The social worker had left her a message while she was at the motel and Kaylee knew what that would be about. Detox. Treatment. Another attempt to get her mom sober.

Ezra really, really shouldn't have come. She didn't want him to see what her reality was. Her reality wasn't being held in his arms, being loved by him. Her reality was a mom on drugs, working to keep a roof overhead, and paying back Cletus. Whatever she had had with Ezra over the summer and fall had been a dream, a break from reality.

Last night….

Kaylee's stomach fluttered at the memory of being with Ezra again. Really being with him. Finding that connection, her skin pressed against his, his lips on hers. Like nothing had happened. It was like the past few months had disappeared and it was just her and Ezra again, with nothing between them.

And then morning had come and she hadn't known what to say to him. Not when he was holding himself apart from her. Still not trusting her. Not getting close.

She took a shuddery breath, but the air didn't fill her lungs.

She deserved it. She deserved to have Ezra barely tolerating her. He had barely reacted when she told him about the baby.

She wasn't going to think about that right now. She didn't have the emotional reserves for dealing with anything but her mom right now.

She tried for a breath.

It was ok. She would worry about breathing later, after she dealt with her mom.

#

Ezra knocked on the doorframe of the ER room.

Kaylee's mom was in bed, hair bedraggled and, other than being more alert, not looking much better than when Ezra had seen her the night before.

"Who are you?" she asked, more suspicion than welcome in her words.

"We didn't get a chance to be formally introduced," Ezra said. He stepped into the room and extended his hand. "I'm Ezra Standish." He wasn't sure if he should include that he was Kaylee's husband, since he wasn't exactly sure what Kaylee considered him, morally or legally.

The woman in the bed pursed her lips. "Kaitlin's husband," she surmised.

It was unnerving hearing Kaylee called by the name Ezra realized was real, not the name he knew her by. But, like he had been doing, he kept his expression neutral. It would serve nothing to come in here and rattle Kaylee or her mom with his uncontrolled emotions.

"Yes, ma'am," Ezra answered truthfully. Because that's still how he thought of himself, even after everything.

The woman ignored his extended hand. She leaned back against the pillows. Beneath the lines of hard living, she really wasn't that old. Ezra tried to remember what Kaylee had told him about her mom. Not much. But she had Kaylee as a teen.

"Kaitlin wore out her welcome, huh?" she asked idly. Without waiting for an answer, she pushed a shaky hand to her forehead. "Go find the nurse and tell her I need something for pain. I feel like I got run over by a truck."

Ezra was still reeling at the off-hand comment alluding to him kicking Kaylee out because she had worn out her welcome. As if Kaylee was a burden.

He frowned. She hadn't been a burden. Even when she had been siphoning money from his accounts, she had worked hard—harder than him most days—as if trying to earn her keep.

Trying to earn a place with him.

Memories came back, ones he had been pushing aside. Ones that had been buried under the sharp sting of lies.

She had tried to make things easier for him. She had been there for him.

"Did you hear me?" Tammy Rawlings snapped at him. A light sheen of sweat covered her face. "Get me something for the pain."

Before Ezra could respond, a voice spoke behind him. "I'll bet I could get you something better than anything they're gonna give you here."

A lean man, shorter than Ezra, dark haired and more than rough around the edges, came into the room.

He gave Ezra a hard look, like he expected Ezra to step back. Ezra didn't move. Didn't flinch.

The man circled past him and approached the bed.

"You ready to go?"

Tammy snorted. "They're talking about detox. Or treatment. Some crap like that."

The man's lip curled up to show what he thought of that. "I'll give you a ride home. You and Kaylee have something of mine."

Hearing Kaylee's name coming from this man had Ezra tensing.

"What? No. I don't got nothing," Tammy said.

The man spared a look over his shoulder towards Ezra, then leaned in closer over the bed. "I left over a kilo at your house. I want it back."

In spite of the hissed words, they still carried to Ezra.

What the hell was Kaylee tangled up in? Looking between her mom and the dark haired man with too much attitude for such a small frame, he had a pretty good idea. His stomach clenched sickeningly.

"Mom? The doctor said…"

Ezra automatically stepped toward Kaylee as soon as she walked into the room. Her words trailed off and green eyes darted from him to her mom to the man and back to him before quickly looking away.

"What are you doing here?" she asked tightly.

Ezra had no idea if she was speaking to him or the man, but the other man answered her.

"I'm getting the stuff I had stored at your house."

If it was possible for Kaylee to get even paler than she already was, she did. Her face was ashen.

"It's gone," she whispered.

"It's—" The man bit out, then cut himself off with a glance at Ezra. Thick veins corded in his scrawny neck, his skin flushing an angry red.

"Will someone get me something for my head?" Tammy snapped. "It's ready to explode!"

Ezra had to keep himself from pointing out to her that her daughter was in a standoff with a man she clearly wanted to get as far away from as possible.

Kaylee and the man didn't move, him shooting daggers at her and her biting her lip.

"You already…" he hesitated and glanced toward Ezra. "…have debts. You want to add to that?"

Kaylee closed her eyes in clear resignation. She opened them and shot her own glance toward Ezra before answering. "I've been paying you back," she said in a low voice.

If the tension in the room wasn't suffocating, Ezra would have laughed at the sidelong glances they kept shooting him as they spoke in what they clearly thought was veiled language. Did they think he was deaf? Blind? An idiot?

"Interest ain't cheap," the man said, and just like that everything fell into place. Kaylee owed this man. She owed him and he was likely charging ever-increasing interest. It had something to do with her mom's drugs. And that's why she had been so desperate for money.

"I haven't missed a payment," Kaylee said, an edge of pleading in her voice. It was that pleading that finally had Ezra speaking. Kaylee didn't need to be pleading—begging—for mercy from this filth.

"Is someone going to get me some freaking pills so my head doesn't explode?!" Tammy finally burst out.

Kaylee flinched and automatically started apologizing, but Ezra cut in.

"Why don't you go find someone who can help your mother?" he said evenly.

Kaylee nodded. The exhausted slope of her shoulders and defeat in every movement held him still until she left the room. But then it had him crossing to the man in three quick steps.

The man matched his steps, moving backwards, hitting a metal tray and bouncing away from it.

Ezra kept moving.

The man stumbled back until he hit the wall at his back with a thud.

"She doesn't owe you anything," Ezra said.

Rebellion flared in the man's eyes. "You don't know—"

"I know enough," Ezra spoke sharply. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure Kaylee wasn't coming back before he stepped in close enough to make sure the man didn't misunderstand the threat behind his words wasn't idle. "She's paid you all she's going to. If you so much as look in her direction again, there won't be enough shallow graves in the west to bury how many pieces I'll cut you into."

The man recoiled, but there was nowhere to go. Ezra crowded him more.

He pushed his hand into the man's bony chest. Put more than a little pressure there. "But that will be after you wish you had never met me."

He held him there for several beats, feeling the panicked thud of the man's heart under his hand.

He lowered his hand and took a slow step away. Just enough for the man to slide around him and head toward the door.

The man met Kaylee at the doorway and quickly dropped his gaze. Without a word to her, he shoved his way past her.

Kaylee turned to watch him go, then searched out Ezra. He didn't let his face give anything away.

"Did you find someone?" Tammy demanded.

Kaylee came into the room. "The social worker's coming to talk to you, Mom."

Tammy spat out a curse. "A social worker doesn't have meds. I don't need a social worker."

Ezra shifted closer to Kaylee. Kaylee's shoulders slumped. She looked more than exhausted. She looked defeated.

"Does this social worker need to speak to you as well?" Ezra asked.

Kaylee shook her head. "I talked to her earlier."

Ezra nodded. "Then maybe we should take our leave." He gave Kaylee's mother a nod. "We'll be back when they secure your discharge. And we can perhaps find something more edible than hospital fare for your breakfast tomorrow." He included himself in the plan, because there was no way he was letting Kaylee deal with this on her own. Between her mother and whoever that man was that had seen himself out, he wasn't going to abandon Kaylee to her life here.

Tammy had her eyes closed and rolled over, giving them her back.

"Mom," Kaylee started.

Ezra didn't want to interrupt, but when Tammy didn't respond, he spoke quietly to Kaylee. "Maybe we should let her rest."

Kaylee stared at the silent lump under the blankets before nodding.

Her steps were heavy as she and Ezra left her mom's room and went out through the lobby. He escorted her to his truck. She climbed in without comment.

He got behind the wheel.

They rode in silence back to her trailer.

When they pulled into the driveway, Ezra got out and went to her side to open the door. They went inside together.

"I'm going to call it a night," Kaylee said, her words as heavy as her movements.

Ezra wanted to stop her. To offer her…something. Anything. But he didn't know what to say. How to make up for not seeing what should have been clear to him, long before now.

The door to her room closed quietly.

Ezra stood alone in the bleak living room. He clenched his fists. Sucked in a long breath and shook out his hands. He couldn't lose control. He couldn't let Kaylee see how rattled he was. She needed someone stable right now.

#

Kaylee sank down heavily on the edge of her bed. Her breath sagged out of her as much as the mattress sagged beneath her.

Ezra wasn't going to stay. That much was clear. He had impassively watched everything today, from her mom snapping at everyone from her hospital bed, to Cletus showing up, to her own uncertainty. None of it had made an impression on him. Ezra was here to get closure, or get his money back, or because Buck and Vin had told him to come check on her. But none of it was because he cared.

And she didn't blame him for that. Not one bit. She had lied and stolen and deserved his distance. She didn't hold that against him. But it still hurt.

She rubbed a hand against her chest, the ache there a physical pain. It hurt to be so close to Ezra and know nothing was the same.

She was too bone weary to change out of her clothes. She got into the unmade bed and pulled the blankets up over her head.

If she didn't still love Ezra with everything in her, this would be so much easier.

#