After his conversation with his father, Harvey wanted to trash everything around him because he was so angry with him. He felt like he was facing the dilemma of his life: tell Donna that he was in love with her, do everything so that they get together without thinking, probably breaking her heart the moment he would be upset or scared. Or he could run away, stay at Harvard without ever returning to Hartford, finish his studies, and then go live in New York and never see her again. He would be unhappy for sure, but at least she could move on with her life and find someone less fucked up in his head. He had no idea, but as he had just finished his cigarette, he got in his car and started driving. It was half past midnight when he knocked on the door of the small house in Boston's South End, and despite the late hour, he swallowed hard, his eyes filled with tears, before speaking.
«I'm sorry to disturb you so late, Bobby»
«Harvey?»
«Is Lily still awake?»
«She just went upstairs, but come on in, I'll tell her you're here»
It was his first time in his mother's house, and as he looked at the framed pictures in the hallway, he felt his throat tighten at the number of pictures of himself before and after their fight, or his graduation picture framed on the hall cabinet next to Marcus' high school graduation. As he let his gaze wander over the various pictures, he heard a trembling female voice talking behind him.
«Harvey?»
«Hey»
«Are you alright?»
He hadn't seen his mother since they moved to Hartford at the age of twelve with his father. If Marcus went there for the holidays to spend some time with his mother, Harvey never went again, too angry with her, but as she looked at him worriedly, he felt like a kid again.
«Do you think we can talk?»
«Sure, please, settle down on the couch. Do you want something to drink?»
«Water, please»
«Alright»
As he headed to the living room to settle down on the couch, his mother arrived a while later to sit on the other side and look at him tenderly. If for a few seconds, no one spoke, it was Lily who started.
«I didn't really have the chance to tell you, but Gordon keeps me informed about your studies, and I heard that you're doing really well in Harvard. I'm so proud of you, Harvey»
«Thank you»
« I'm happy to see you too — Sorry, I'm just so I am shocked to see you here »
While the young man didn't answer, still staring at the floor, Lily continued to speak.
«You know, it's been a long time since I saw you, but you haven't changed, and now you have the same face as when you lost your teddy bear and you were inconsolable. So? What's going on?»
«I'm in love»
«Oh»
«And I'm busy ruining everything»
«I'm sure you didn't do— »
«Why did you cheat on dad?»
«Harvey— »
«I need to know because I don't want her to leave me one daylike you leave that »
«What?»
«After I found out about you and Bobby, I always had hope that you would regret it, that our family would be back together like nothing ever happened, and yet, you still left. Since then, I don't want to fall in love, I don't want to commit because I don't want to get attached and end up with a broken heart like dad when you leave him. It worked for a while, I was having fun with different girls, I went here and there, no serious relationship, I was so good, I swear, until her»
«What happened?»
«I don't even know what happened, we kissed, and since then, I only think about her»
«What about her?»
«She's perfect»
«You're perfect too»
«That's the thing, I'm not perfect, and I know she deserves better than me, but I'm too much in love to let her go, and if I start something with her, I don't want to screw up. I want to change, I want to be better and be a good person for her. And since dad is a good person too and you still left him, I want to know why because I don't want to screw up with her»
«Well, every story is different, and the one you will live with this girl will have nothing to do with the one between me and Gordon. But alright, I'll tell you more about it»
For almost half an hour, Lily explained the situation without ever blaming Gordon once, making her son understand that she blamed herself for everything that had happened but that at that moment, it felt like the only solution for her, and even if Harvey was still a bit angry against his mother, he understood a little better. Once she was done with her explanation, he rubbed his face before whispering.
«I'm sorry, mom»
«It's alright, Harvey»
«No, it's not. You missed a part of my life just because of my anger»
«And I don't blame you, really, you had all your rights, but the most important thing is that you're here today. So yes, I don't expect everything to be like before, but I'm already very happy that you came tonighthere to talk to me »
«Yeah, right»
«So?»
«What?»
«Can I know a little more about this girl who captured your heart?»
«Do you promise not to talk about it with Marcus?»
«Of course, but why?»
«Not a word, mom»
«Alright, alright, I promise»
«She's his best friend»
«Donna?»
«You know Donna ?»
«Well, she's your brother's best friend since forever, he's often told me about her, so yes, I see who Donna is»
«Well, that's her»
«I understand why you don't want your brother to know. Gordon told me she was a great girl»
«She's amazing»
«Tell me more about her»
For almost another half hour, he explained a lot of things about Donna while Lily felt her heart melt at her son's smile. As he explained the studies she was doing and how good she was, the older woman yawned discreetly, and Harvey stopped talking abruptly.
«I'm sorry. It's late, and you were supposed to go to sleep. I'll leave you and go home»
«No, stay here»
« Mom — »
«It's almost two in the morning, stay here to sleep, and tomorrow you can go back to Hartford at your ease, okay?»
«Does that bother you?»
«No, of course not»
«Alright»
«I'll bring you a blanket and a pillow»
«Thank you»
That night, he stared at the ceiling for a few hours before finally falling asleep. In Hartford, Donna hadn't slept at all, spending the night tossing and turning, thinking about Harvey's strange behavior a few hours earlier, tears streaming relentlessly down her cheeks, while her eyes burned from lack of sleep. A few hours later, in Boston, Harvey woke up to the smell of coffee and got up to go to the kitchen, where he heard the sound of cooking.
«Hey»
«Hey, Harvey»
«Bobby is not here?»
«He went to work»
«Oh, alright»
«So? What have you planned today?»
For a few more minutes, the two of them talked around breakfast while a few miles away, Donna was still in her bed when Marcus came in.
«Hey»
«Hey»
«Hey, it's ten and you're still in bed»
«I know»sighed the redhead.
«What are your plans for today?»
«I think I'm going to stay in bed. Not moving»
«You don't want to go out? Come on, it's almost Christmas, we can go ice skating?»
«I don't want to, Marcus»
«You're going to stay locked up all day?»
«What? You're going to be that bored without me?»smiled the redhead.
«Hell yeah, who am I going to spend my day with or else?»
«Ask your brother»
«I don't know where Harvey is. I don't think he even slept here last night, and he's not answering his phone»
«What?»
«Yeah, well, it's Harvey. He's probably upset and running away from his problems, like usual — anyway, are you sure?»
«Yeah, yeah, I didn't sleep much, so I'm going to stay calm here»
«Hey»
«What?»
«Men are stupid, don't let yourself get down just because of some little asshole»
Your brother is the little asshole, thought Donna.
«Yeah, you're right»
«See you, Red»
«See you, Marcus»
As soon as the door closed, she let herself fall back onto the mattress and stared at the ceiling for hours, but just as she was about to close her eyes, she was interrupted by her phone making a noise to let her know she had just received a message. If she was comfortable under the sheets, she still grabbed her phone before gasping when she saw that it was an audio message from Harvey. If she was panicking at the thought of what she was going to hear, she couldn't not listen to it, so she put her headphones on, lying back on the bed to stare at the ceiling before touching the play button with a trembling finger while tears were falling from her eyes as soon as the first words were spoken with his hoarse voice.
«Hey. Hum, there's so much I want to tell you, but I don't even know where to start. Well, that's right, I should start by saying that I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you last night. I was angry at myself and at the situation, and I needed to find someone to blame, and you were there. I'm sorry, Donna, I shouldn't have, and when I heard you crying behind me, it made me want to drop to my knees. It hurt so much, but at that moment, it felt like the only way for me. If I understand correctly, it's over with Thomas, and I would like to tell you that I'm sorry since I know it's because of me, but I'm not; I'm happy that it's over, as selfish as that may be. I never thought that this simple kiss would change everything for me, and yet, since that night, I only think about you. Well, thinking is an understatement, I am completely obsessed with you. So yeah, I love kissing you and sleeping with you — I adore it — but what I love the most is all the moments when we talk and laugh together, when I can confide things to you without feeling judged, when you slide your fingers in my hair, when you scratch my skull gently with your nails, when you provoke me on purpose just to make me react, or even stupid things like sharing a chocolate, seeing you support me in the stands during a game, when you use my soap in the shower, or when you ask my opinion on your outfit of the day. I love our closeness, I love the fact that we are comfortable around each other, that I can tell you everything and that you reassure me, that in your eyes I'm not just an idiot — I ramble, sorry — anyway. You're not like all the others, Donna, you're so different, and you're... you're so perfect that I'm going insane. Um, right now, I'm in Boston, at my mother's actually — crazy, right? — anyway, after our little fight, I had a conversation with my father where I explained to him about both of us, and that's when he made me understand that what happened to him and my mother wasn't necessarily going to happen to me. It's just.. I'm... I'm afraid you're going to break my heart, Donna, because my father may have moved on and been okay ever since, but I don't think I'm as strong as he is. So yeah, I know we're far from being married with kids, but you know me, I need to see far to project myself, and every time I dare to imagine you and me together, I can't help but panic at the idea that you could leave one day — well, leave me. I don't know what to do, Donna. I want us to be more than just a few moments of intense sex in my car, in the silence of my room, or in your dorm when I show up unannounced. I want more than all that, I want you, but I'm so afraid I won't be able to. I mean, look at me, I'm busy confessing my feelings on a stupid audio message instead of telling you face to face because I'm such a coward. But I'm too freaked out by the idea that of us two is just my imagination. Well, I think I said it all. Oh yeah, no right. I also wanted to add that I think you are the most incredible woman I have ever met, you are kind, sweet, and caring. I find you so beautiful and sexy — so sexy, Jesus — forget about it, it was supposed to be cute and I — sorry — hum, you are selfless too, warm, quick-witted, generous, and I have so many more adjectives to describe you, but I don't want to bore you, just.. you are... you are perfect — perfect for me»
For a few seconds, the audio was silent as tears streamed down her face. If she thought his monologue was over, a few seconds later, she heard his voice again.
« I'm sorry, Donna. I'm sorry for being an asshole these past few years by not confessing my feelings for you and letting you believe that all I was interested in was sex and making out. I don't know if you feel the same way about me, and if you don't, I don't think we'll ever meet again because I would be so ashamed, but I think you deserved an explanation. Anyway, I'm going back to Hartford today, and I wanted to know if you'd like to go out for a bite to eat with me tonight. If so, I'll be waiting for you at the pizzeria near Lewis Street at six. If you don't come, I'll understand, and I won't blame you, I'll be heartbroken, that's for sure, but I won't hold it against you. Um, that's all I have to say... See you tonight... maybe? Bye, Donna »
As soon as the voicemail message ended, Donna was speechless, staring at the ceiling with tears that had dried on her cheeks as she had a hard time believing everything she had just heard. She knew how much Harvey had trouble expressing his emotions and talking about what he felt, so this message, even if he had recorded it remotely and had not dared to tell her face to face, meant a lot to her. So if she had decided not to go out today, she hurried to leave the bed, rushed under the shower, to let the hot water run on her skin, a silly smile on her lips. Once out, she smoothed her hair as well as her curtain bangs and put on a little makeup before getting dressed — not too classy because it was a pizzeria, but enough because it was her first date with Harvey, well, sort of. After putting on a pair of black wide pants and a fluffy olive green sweater, she tied a part of her hair back with a small clip before waiting in the bedroom for the hour to pass, and as she was about to go out, she crossed paths with Gordon and stopped dead.
«Oh»
«Donna»
«Gordon»
«How are you, kid?»
«I'm good»
«I'm glad. Are you eating with us tonight?»
«Uhm, no. I'll be with... my parents»
«Sure. Alright, I guess it'll just be Marcus and me tonight then»
She had figured out that Gordon knew since Harvey had told him, and as she was frozen in the hallway in front of older Specter, she saw him wink at her and whisper.
«Have fun you two, but tell Harvey to come home tonight, please»
Without another word, he entered his room while Donna stood frozen in the hall for a few more seconds before leaving quickly for fear of running into Marcus and having to lie to him again. As she waited at the bus stop, she sighed when she saw her best friend's name appear on her screen.
«Hello?»
«Hey, Red. How are you doing? Better?»
«Yeah, much better»
«I'm glad. Hey, I was thinking, maybe we could go eat a bite tonight to take your mind off things»
«Oh, that's really sweet, Marcus, but I'm eating with my parents tonight»
«Oh, yeah, right»
«But I promise, tomorrow, you and I are going to brunch at the Red Rock Tavern»
«Works for me»
«See you, Marcus»
«See you, Red»
As soon as she hung up, she got on the bus before waiting patiently to arrive, and half an hour later, as she approached the pizzeria, she felt her heart melt when she saw him. On a bench next to the restaurant, Harvey was sitting in a black suit with a white shirt, a bouquet of flowers in a pink gradient, while he stared at the ground, his knees shaking and biting his lip, clearly stressed. While he hadn't noticed her presence, she approached before whispering.
«Hey»
He quickly raised his head to look at her with big eyes, as if he couldn't believe she had come, then quickly got up before whispering in turn.
«Hey»
«You look…»
«Stupid?»
«No, I was going to say classy»
«Oh, well, I took advantage of being in Boston to do a little shopping, and I bought this for tonight. I know it's not an outfit for a pizza place, but I just wanted to mark the occasion»
«You look very handsome, Harv»
«Thank you. You are too, but that's not different from usual — um, this is for you»
As he handed her the bouquet of flowers, she smiled at him before taking it and hearing him whisper.
«Shall we go?»
As soon as he entered the restaurant, Harvey acted like a true gentleman — pulling her chair out to her, hanging her coat on her — before taking a seat across from her and smiling shyly. While the first few minutes were a bit awkward, as the two young people didn't know what to do, once Donna asked Harvey about his stay in Boston, the conversation continued throughout the meal until he paid, and the two of them left the restaurant to stroll through the streets of downtown Hartford.
«I had a great night, Harv»
«Yeah, it was great»
«And I know you don't want to talk about you know what, but don't you think that — »
«Yeah, you're right. It's just... it's hard to»smiled Harvey, a little embarrassed.
«I know»
«I meant everything I said in my vocal»
«So you're ready for more?»
«No»
It was like a cold shower for the redhead who wasn't expecting that. If she thought Harvey was going to tell her he loved her, that he was finally ready, that he was going to kiss her, and that everything would be okay, she never thought she'd hear a simple no. If she looked at him with big eyes for a few seconds, she laughed nervously before whispering.
«I can't believe it, I should have never come»
As she turned to leave the street and head towards the bus stop, clutching the bouquet of flowers in her hands, she heard Harvey yell behind her.
«You're too perfect for me»
Seeing her stop, still with her back to him, he decided to continue talking, it was easier to say what he felt when she wasn't looking at him with her beautiful green-brown eyes anyway.
« I'm fucking scared, Donna. I'm scared of ruining everything with you, I'm scared of hurting you and making you sad, I'm scared of making you run away and of making you unhappy, I'm scared of being selfish and that you're the victim of my choices one day. I know we're young and that we have time to experience a lot of things before considering something serious, it's just, I mean — I want it all with you, Donna. I'm just scared »
While she hadn't moved, it was Harvey who stepped forward to stand in front of her, and as she looked at him with shining eyes, she whispered.
«So what?»
«Give me time»
«Harv —»
«Please»
«You can't stop me from living my life without promising me anything in return»
«Just give me a little time, and then, when I'm ready, I swear I'll promise you everything. Everything you want, everything. Alright?»
«A little time?»
«Just a little time, I promise you»
«Alright»
«Alright?»whispered Harvey with hope.
«Alright, yeah»
«Thank you»
For a few seconds, neither of them said anything, but seeing the relief on the future lawyer's face and his cute little smile, Donna leaned in to place a tender kiss on his lips before whispering against them.
« Just a little time »