(Posted March 6, 2018)

Shuffled

In which the Autumn of the Drifting Storm occurs, and Julius and Mona run away from home

I was sick for a week after coming home from Fairy World, and contrary to the stereotypes, I doubt that food poisoning was involved in any manner whatsoever. In the time I was roostridden, I overheard Anti-Bryndin and Anti-Elina arguing over my attendance at Spellementary School, and when she and Anti-Penny came in to see me one afternoon, I begged her to pull me out. My intrusion into Mr. Thimble's private life had mortified me beyond measure, and I couldn't imagine ever making eye contact with the least degree of pride again.

"Suppose I go back, and he hates me! Suppose I've ruined his entire relationship with Principal Winkleglint. Suppose he's told his fellow teachers what I've done, and they all hate me too. Suppose their judgments reflect negatively on the Anti-Fairy race as a whole. Suppose the other children mock me for my two weeks of absence. Suppose I can't keep up with them academically now. Suppose any number of things!"

Anti-Elina and Anti-Penny both made fair attempts to soothe me, but I blocked them out. They weren't there. They didn't understand how deep under my skin my phantom pains ran. They didn't know anything about me at all. Mr. Thimble hadn't been mistaken. I remembered everything. Every embarrassing snippet of every conversation, every humiliation I'd walked right into.

Mona was a spiritsend during those days, and I don't mean to imply that she wasn't. However, the affection of one's betrothed can only heal you so much before you wonder how much of it is genuine and how much is simply empty cake. Perhaps I lust for honest criticism the way drones lust for gynes, hm?

"How soon until I can begin my studies abroad at the Temples?" I mumbled into Anti-Penny's chest fur. I found myself filled, quite distinctly, with the need to get out of here. This horrid, gloomy Castle restrained me, crushing my resolve with its water drip tortures and oppressing cobwebs in the belfries. Oh, such a due shame- me, an effective prisoner within the protective walls of my own home!

Anti-Penny glanced at Anti-Elina, then brought her palm to the back of my head. "Are you sure you're ready to make that commitment, mon ami? Perhaps you might consider waiting to study in the Temples until after your canetis, oui?"

I frowned. How discouraging it was to hear that even my dear tutor (not to mention my future mother-in-law) didn't even want to be seen with me now. I turned instead to Anti-Elina, clenching my claws in Anti-Penny's blouse.

"High Countess, with your consent, I think perhaps I want to continue my schooling, but I wish to do it my way."

She flicked back her ears with the sound of sparks crackling in a fire. "How do you mean, Julius?"

"Simply, I wish to take a placement test, and be assigned to a class purely according to the level of my intelligence, and not my chronological age. They have those, don't they? My mother has mentioned it." Namely when belittling Augustus with accusations regarding his hypothesized intellect, or lack thereof.

"Anti-Elina," I pressed when her aura in the energy field started to sound more fidgety and uncomfortable. "You're the High Countess. Why, with your recommendation, you could perhaps even get me enrolled in the highest level of upper school should you truly think I deserve it. I'm not asking that much of you. Please let me take the test. For years now, you've always called me an intelligent rascal, and I want to know where I truly stand. No! Anti-Elina, I must know the completely honest truth regarding where my brilliance tapers to its edge. I must! Won't you grant me that?"

Anti-Elina shifted her claws against the roost. "First, you have to understand the impracticalities. The test takes hours to complete, and setting the arrangements can prove very difficult. These days, I believe there are only three Fairies qualified to give that test: Holly Applespark, Makayla Firebloom, and Ambrosine Whimsifinado."

"Ambrosine Whimsifinado!" I pointed my finger at her. "Yes, get him to do it! Get him!"

With a groan, Anti-Elina covered her eyes with her fingers. "Julius, you're an incredibly intelligent child, but it takes more than mere intelligence to succeed in school. Physically and emotionally, I don't think you're ready. Do remember you are only eight years old, and you're already attending Spellementary School. Most Fairies don't reach that point until they're forty-five."

"I have to see Ambrosine Whimsifinado!" Moving carefully to avoid plummeting from the array, I grabbed the front of her tunic in my hands and twisted the fabric around my wrists. "His son's counterpart knew my father well. I simply must hear all the details about Anti-Robin that I can. Don't you want me to learn my family history?"

Anti-Penny touched my shoulder. "Your mother and Augustus can both tell you what your father was like, mon beau-fils."

But I shook my head. "I don't want to hear it from Augustus or my mum! His judgment is clouded with starry-eyed fantasies, and my mother I presume acknowledged Anti-Robin merely as a drake to procreate with. What I want to know is who he really was beyond the superficial details."

Anti-Elina was still rubbing her temples, moving her fingers carefully around the jade circlet she wore that marked her as the carrier of Thurmondo's favour. "Julius, you just aren't old enough to take an advanced intelligence test. There are too many concepts you won't understand. Give it time."

"I'm ready now!"

"My answer is no. And if Anti-Bryndin wants to protest, I will actually use my High Countess title to overrule him on this one. If you don't want to attend the youngest Spellementary School class, then you won't attend Spellementary School at all. One day you'll be wishing you hadn't tried to grow up so fast."

I highly doubted that. My mum was abusive, my brother self-deprecating and distant, my father dead, and I hardly had any friends in the colony who didn't shoot me jealous glances or stop talking every time I wandered near. Oh, I desperately wanted nothing more than to grow up. I dreamed of slicing the ropes from my wings and at long last flying again on my own. I dreamed of commanding my fellows in the field as we wreaked bad luck on all the Fairies who had ever spoken ill of us. I dreamed of placing my hands in the same dish of rosewater as Mona as we prepared to be wed, she in a gown of spider silk and me wearing a cape of raven feathers. I dreamed of she and I raising her pups together as our own. I dreamed of a long and satisfying career in educating young Anti-Fairies on all the things I learned in school.

If only I could start living all my dreams now!

And so, I decided to run away. Not forever, of course- just across the border to Fairy World for a matter of days, where I intended to track down Ambrosine Whimsifinado and demand he proctor the intelligence assessment for me. Then I could attend school in a class tailored perfectly to my level. I wasn't concerned about what Anti-Elina would say. I knew I was brilliant, and once I had the proof on paper, she would have to take my side.

"The trip will be daring," I cautioned Mona as we leaned together over a map in the Luna's Landing public library. The map was comprised of 24 enormous sheets of bound parchment, and most dangled off the table. I had to keep a great deal of pressure on my palm to prevent the weight of the entire thing from dragging itself to the floor. Presently, she and I were studying Plane 3, the lowest layer of all the cloudlands. Below that, it was a long fall straight to Earth, and the few scattered clouds of Plane 1 after that. Crawling my fingers forward, I pointed to a dot in the upper centre of the Central Star Region, very close to the star on the map that marked Fairy World's capital city, Faeheim. "Right there. You see that tiny town called Novakiin behind the mountains? Somewhere in there, we ought to find 37 Twilight Road, correct?"

"Yes, yep, yeah."

"That address is still listed as Fergus Whimsifinado's permanent residence. Now, my father's notes mention that he first met Fairy-Fergus down in the Earthside capital city, Great Sidhe, just over 150,000 years ago. This fits with what Principal Winkleglint mentioned when he described Fergus as a tax evader." I tapped the location again. "See, as a cloudland resident, he really is supposed to be paying taxes. However, things function differently Earthside. They're still pulling themselves together and reforming their structure following the rampage of King Elynas, I presume. They haven't gathered the governmental structure to tax anyone. If Fergus is avoiding his taxes anywhere, he's avoiding them down on Earth. Anyway, even if this Fergus fellow is officially classed as rogue, perhaps there's still hope for us yet. Whoever is living in his old residence now may be willing to reveal his location to two curious children like us, and if not, well, then we should at least be able to find someone who will direct us to Ambrosine. Then I shall take my officially-proctored intelligence exam, and it's off to higher-level schooling I go."

"Hurrah for helping him higher!"

And so, we packed our things and pelted through the woods for the border one Wednesday morning while Anti-Elina was leading our cohort on a leaf-examination trek in the opposite direction. Dull stuff- what sort of lunatic cared about boring plants anyway? Too energized to sleep, I'd descended from my array roost beside Ashley and Mona after the rest of my creche had fallen silent. Straight on through morning, I'd paced in circles around the tree trunk-like base of the array, cackling like a madman. For all too soon, I would be in Fairy World! Nothing stood in my way then!

Mona, although weighed down by her canetis rings, still had the ability to fly. Nonetheless, without echolocation, she hung back as we approached the skeletal woods separating the Blue Castle from the city of Luna's Landing, and allowed me to select which footpaths to travel and which ways we may wish to go in order to avoid hungry hunting animals. Independently either one of us would have been hopelessly lost, but together, we made a dazzling team.

"This- this is it," I puffed at last when the ruins of the Anti-Eros tower, still aflame, came into view up ahead. As much as I enjoyed running about, the tower turned out to be a little farther than I had recalled. I wiped my dry tongue across the back of my wrist, wishing I had something nice on hand to cool it off. Mona and I had packed food and water for our trip, of course, but we only had a bottle each, and I didn't want to waste them. Considering what had happened between Anti-Venus, McPunchy, and Augustus around the time I was born, it wasn't as though we could simply refill our supply from the old clover-polluted canal across the field.

"Does our determined destination disappoint?" Mona asked, peering through the ruins. Some of the larger pieces had charred and burned to rubble long ago, but others still blazed on with bright green flames. How many more years would it be before they died out at last? Two? Much of the grass had been scorched, and it was only just beginning to sprout back. A few small ground animals milled around the place. So did a couple of crows. Although some of the scraps lying about resembled pieces of furniture I vaguely recalled from the day the tower crashed down, I detected no sign of Anti-Venus, nor the other two Anti-Eros triplets Anti-Charite and Anti-Ludell either.

I pointed at the sheen of green in the sky just visible across the hills. "There, Mona, you see? Those stripes of green stretching between those thick iron bars over there is the Barrier. Ohh, isn't it simply gorgeous? It rrruns across the cloudlands, separating all of Hy-Brasil's domain from Tír Ildathách's. We'll follow it north until we locate a place where we can cross, and finally you shall be granted the privilege of visiting the Sunrise Skies. You'll be amazed by the splendour, and caught up in the wraps of jealousy too. I know I certainly was."

Mona pushed her ever-frizzy puff of black hair behind her shoulders. Her eyes skimmed along the sky. Tugging the sleeves of her amauti over her hands, she asked, "North is necessary knowing what need?"

"Well, that's the direction I came from back when I was lifesmoke, you see. I simply must have come from Fairy World. That's where Fairy-Cosmo would be living at the time, of course. So, if we should follow along the Barrier long enough, we should reach the Divide Gate that will grant us entry. Come on now. We mustn't dawdle about." I eyeballed a thick orange snake basking near the heat of low Ghostfire. "I say, being out here in the open gives me the most horrid shivers, you know what I mean?"

And so, hefting our bulging packs in our arms, we picked our way through the tower's ruins. Over the years, the clover fields around it had swollen like pregnant sheep. Anti-Venus' garden had evolved into wild tangles, at least before the few small animals we had in Anti-Fairy World had taken an interest in it. Now it lay half-nibbled and half-smashed by who knows what. As my feet were bare, I took care not to step on any broken glass from shattered jars that had once imprisoned puffs of lifesmoke such as myself. That was a frustrating endeavour, as the clear, flat material was so very difficult for an anti-fairy like me to see. There certainly was a lot of it.

"Shall we run?" I asked Mona once we cleared the worst of the rubble. I flicked my ear towards the Barrier. "Come on, Mona! Let's run!"

"Rapidly run a race?" Her tongue dangled from her mouth. She readjusted her pack. "Really?"

"Why not?" I jogged in place and grinned at her, hoping that my bounteous energy would rub off on her fur like static electricity. "Up, up, now. It's good for us Anti-Fairies to run. You know how being upright too long makes us cranky. Exercising like this helps circulate our blood, delaying the dizzy spells. Well? Let's go. Say, first one to reach the wall gets to lord it over the other for a year?" I bolted off without waiting for her answer, my pack bouncing in my arms.

"Just- just- Julius!"

Ohh, there were some days when I actually drank up the joyous thrill of running the same way one might slurping chicken cordon bleu from a soup tureen. Every step I flew made my heels crash like beached mermaids in the spiky brown grass and the ashes, springing lightly up again as though forced away by little sprites. The slapping wind against my face kept my hair flowing behind me until my curls turned to waves, and suddenly, there was no such thing as the present day. No fears. No pain. Only onwards.

I could run forever! Yes, why not run forever? Why, if it weren't for that dratted Barrier blocking my path, and of course the uneven islands of rock that comprised our floating nation and the cloudfluff that made up theirs, I imagine I could have kept sprinting all the way from the tower straight to Novakiin. In fact, I could have made it to Faeheim. I could have reached Mistleville. I could have kept going all the way up to the Eros Nest itself, at least nine time zones away! I could fly to the moon! How's that for an afternoon pastime? Hahahaha!

And yet, upon reaching the Barrier, I forced myself to skid to a halt, scuffing the ashes and thoroughly coating my ankles in soot. "Ahaha! I win! Did you see that, my darling? I told you I could do it. And it has nothing at all to do with common anti-fairies being the fastest of the various Anti-Fairy subspecies, even though we are, for that blessing of Munn's only applies to one's wings. No, it's simply the speed of my own two feet, and I of course wasn't- Mona? Hello?"

It took me a moment of looking to find her with my echolocation, but I managed. There she was, staggering through the fields a considerable ways back. Understandably, she kept very near the burned sections of land, and steered clear of the mess of living clovers along the rise. Puffing my cheeks and shaking my head, I abandoned my pack and scampered back to assist her. I suppose not everyone can be expected to run as fast as I.

Mona wanted her water as we walked towards the Barrier at her pace, so I unscrewed the cap on one canteen for her. But when I went to take a sip from my own, the lid didn't budge.

"Hey." I pulled again. "Mine's stuck."

"Allow another." Mona took the pouch from me. After rubbing her palm firmly dry on her thigh, she tried her, well, luck with the cap. But try as she might, grunt and sweat though she may, she couldn't coax it to pop off. She looked at me like I had elves nesting in my hair. "Where were you when wishing up this one?"

"It's my father's," I said, mopping my brow just watching her. "I found it in his storeroom while Augustus and I were organising."

"Figures. Faster for filling than for fighting?"

I frowned. "You know, the odd thing is, it opened fine back in the storeroom. I simply took it outside and filled it from the falls in the garden back home before we left. Then I took one sip to taste test it, and replaced the dratted cap as normal. It should pop open very easily."

"Huh." Mona took her wand from her sheath and tapped the lid twice. The star on the end sparkled with purple. We waited for a few seconds, but nothing happened. The cap was just as stuck as ever. Mona went to try again with the knife folded into the other end of the wand, but I put a stop to that. This canteen belonged to Anti-Robin. Surely someone more skilled in magic than the two of us could fix it later, but I still didn't want her to puncture it. Mona shrugged. "Suppose we'll simply share."

"I suppose," I muttered. I had a right to be cross, I think. This canteen was my father's, with a picturesque volcano of all things painted on its front, and I had been so excited to put it to use. As humiliating as it was not to be able to open the cap in front of Mona, at least she had tried too and failed. Failure didn't sting so much when you weren't the only one.

And so, sharing sips of water from our one remaining canteen, we trekked northward along the Barrier until a small tunnel came into view up ahead, guarded by a tiny shed like an outpost. The passage leading across the border looked much different than the one Anti-Buster and I had passed through on our journey to Winkleglint's estate, but the strong flow of the energy field pouring out from it confirmed where it led: Towards the Big Wand standing tall and proud in Faeheim, and thus, towards Fairy World. Of course, I realised as we approached, it made sense that this crossing station would be different. Winkleglint's destination had been Plane 4 of the 24 Planes of Existence in the universe, and Mona and I were on Plane 8, and traveling down to Plane 3.

Mona pursed her lips when she saw the figure standing down the slope at the tunnel entrance. "Great. A guard. Perhaps we'll be permitted to pass purely as prisoners."

The boy stood vigilant at his post, leaning his cheek on a tall staff capped with a small, glimmering yellow star. His skin wasn't as pale white as Ambrosine's had been, but rather a tan brown in colour. He dressed in a white shirt that wholly lacked sleeves- Good smoke, wasn't he freezing in the Hy-Brasilian weather? No coloured vest or jacket to accent the plain white fabric either. He deserved the poor karma coming for him.

His thick neck had been decorated with an odd green bow of sorts. Not a bola tie, and not a cravat. Just… just a bow. His face was framed by bright purple curls he had to continuously push out of his face. And, I couldn't help but notice, he was totally without wings. That much became obvious when he bent down to stretch for his toes, revealing two large cuts in his shirt where his wings should have come out, but were instead replaced by little nubby stumps. I drank in the sight, my eyes narrow. That distinctive feature (or lack thereof) combined with his complexion and the sharp curves of his face left no doubt in my mind as to who was guarding our way to Fairy World.

"The youngest of the von Strangle clan, and in training to take over as Keeper of Da Rules someday," I whispered, pulling Mona away. "Don't fret now, darling. I'm positively certain we can get past him, if we're clever enough. We just need to think for a clever moment and solve this riddle together. We certainly can't out-brawn him, so we'll have to outsmart him. Wait a moment. Ooh-hoo-hoo, now I've got it! We'll fool him into believing we were given permission to cross into Fairy World in order to sell a product door to door in one of the quaint towns just over the border."

It was a brilliant plan, but what did we have that we could pretend to be selling? Certainly not the canteen. And nothing like ashes or rocks. Fitting with the stereotype of the famous von Strangle family, the boy looked a little dumb, but he didn't look that dumb. No boring old rock would interest him. And we couldn't simply wave our wands and wish a product up, or else he would see straight through us; Fairies preferred to buy homemade and handcrafted items, not ones simply woven of magic. Anyone could wish up something on their own. Most people who legitimately purchased products did so to prevent the items from disappearing during magical lockdowns when the energy field was temporarily removed from the area. No magical energy field, no magic. That's when you wanted organic, physically-obtained things around.

You know, I never understood the morals behind their actions. Of course it wouldn't be ethical to poof up actual money, for money was something that ought to be legitimately earned and given away lest all of society crumble apart at its roots, but no Fairy batted an eye about poofing up the electric or water power required to make their lighting or heaters run? Why didn't anyone consider bypassing the electric or plumbing companies with magic to be unethical? Fairies don't make all that much sense. We Anti-Fairies take pride in always choosing to pass through the most legal and ethical means to perform our magic, regardless of how long it takes. True, some of us may not have all the riches and furnishings that we could were we as frivolous with our magic as Fairies, but that's what fosters a society of those who pleasure in sharing what they have with those less fortunate than they. A Fairy could never understand the tight bonds our people had.

Come on now, Julius. Think. If I intended to pull the wool over the young von Strangle drake's eyes, I needed to do it with some small, organically magical item that still exuded enough of an aura to turn the boy's head. Something like…

I turned around, my gaze trailing back to the Anti-Eros tower. One of Anti-Venus' magical plants, perhaps? Surely there must be something that had survived the Ghostfire blaze. Perhaps a hidden box of seeds, or even a few cans of beans packaged packed in some dusty pantry cradled in material the fire hadn't scorched. We could feign we were travelling door to door to sell a few magic beans, couldn't we?

I gave Mona's sleeve another tug, and we moved away from the boy guarding the tunnel. "Stay here. I'm going to run back to the tower and grab a few little things."

"Prepare a plan, partner?"

"Of course. Was there ever any doubt?" I slid my hand below her face and lifted her head higher. "Keep your chin up, my darling. I'm going to run back to the Anti-Eros tower now. I'll return before the hour's out."

"Can I come?"

"No offense, dear, but I'll be ever so much faster without you. Ta-ta!"

I left her my canteen and pack and raced back across the rolling fields, steering clear when my senses alerted me to a four-leaved one. I hadn't actually figured out how that worked, either. We Anti-Fairies were creatures of balance, weren't we? Shouldn't we only be repelled by an item deemed as lucky if we ourselves were chronically unlucky? And since we weren't, well... what, then, could be the cause of natural repulsion?

Hmm. That would make a very interesting research paper someday, I'm sure.

Back at the tower ruins, I began to poke around, overturning slabs of rubble and moving carefully around shards of glass. Ghostfire licked its way up the larger remains of the tower wall, sparking and gleaming. I paused briefly to study its movements. Most of the wall material appeared to be comprised of alabaster. Some of the soil that Anti-Venus had brought up from Earth contained a great deal of clay, and under the heat of the flames, it had hardened into a smooth, glossy surface. It was really quite pretty, and I had the most desperate urge to conquer that power and tame it under my own hand.

What was I looking for, again? Oh. Right.

My explorations led me up the platform of what had once been the bottom floor of the tower. I had to crawl carefully to avoid the Ghostfire, and the tips of my wings came off more than a little scorched. Regardless, my pursuits led me to the kitchen, where I then came across the pantry cellar. The trap door was too heavy for my skinny bare arms, but I waved at it with my wand, and it swung upward with a drawn-out creak. I descended with a smirk.

The cellar wasn't dark. Most of the walls had been lost, so patches of the outside were visible in every direction. If I hadn't been able to utilise my spotty magic today, I could have poked around and discovered another way in. Still, despite the damage, most of the Ghostfire didn't seem to have reached this far.

While that was promising, the past presence of looters was another story. No herbs hung from the rafters, and no blankets remained stacked on the shelves. After fifteen minutes of poking through the maze of fallen debris, I came up with only four bins to search that might contain promising materials.

It was in the very last container that I hit the jackpot. The entire crate was half-full of very small pale blue beans, just like the ones we frequently ate at meals in the Blue Castle. I used my wand to foop the crate out of the cellar and just outside the tower, out of reach of the Ghostfire.

"Phew," I managed when it was done. I coughed on the sudden taste of blood in my mouth. Holding my hand to my chest, I scampered back outside after it. "Oh good smoke, that smarts. I really need to start working out a little more, hmm?"

Fooping the box all the way to where Mona sat would have required more energy than I as of yet possessed in my tiny body. I did it in bursts, resting to pant and wipe my brow on occasion as I made the slow trek back. When I came into view, Mona floated up to me, the cap already removed from her canteen. Although I knew it wasn't wise to be frivolous with our water supply, I did truly need a refreshing drink.

"Box of beans?" Mona guessed, studying the crate I'd brought back with eyebrows raised.

"Oh, yes, we simply must have beans to pull this off, my dear. They're an integral part of my brilliant plan, you see. When I approach the von Strangle child, just follow my lead." I placed my hand to Mona's gentle cheek. "And speaking of, do recall that Fairies communicate with scents which tell others their emotions. They can taste the air to detect body language and facial expressions even when they're looking the other way. Meaning, if we are going to pull this off, you are going to have to remain confident and cool-headed at all times so we don't arouse his suspicions. Have you got that?"

"Confident and cool." Mona smiled. "I reckon I can remember that right." But as I set about sipping our water, her smile slipped into a frown. First a soft one, then more serious. Her constant humming stopped. She examined my crate in more detail, even walking in a circle around it. "But buddy? Your bothered betrothed believes these blue bundles aren't bunches of beans."

"Of course they're beans. What else could they be?" Certainly not Anti-Fairy excrement. Much the same way we released literal butterflies from our mouths when we were sick, our leavings were more along the lines of…

… Actually, I'd rather not say.

"Blue baby bodies?" Mona suggested, still soft.

I snorted. "Darling, don't be absurd. We're Anti-Fairies. We turn to smoke when we die. We don't leave bodies."

Mona reached out and took my chin. Very slowly, she rotated my head until my eyes came face to face with a label I'd missed pasted across the crate's front.

STILLBORN EMBRYOS

"Eep!" I couldn't help myself. I dropped the canteen I held and screamed into my palms. Fortunately, Mona's ultra-quick reflexes kicked in, and she managed to wave her wand before the canteen hit the ground. It reappeared in her hand with a foop, its precious contents not lost to the dust. "W-what?" I stammered.

Now that she'd said it, my thoughts flashed back to my cousin Ashley, tiny and unborn in Anti-Joanie's pouch before I had crawled in there with my knife to rescue him. He hadn't sprouted fur, and his colour was so pale blue that he looked nearly white. No protective square of blubber to keep his young body warm in the cloudland cold. The "beans" in the crate looked a lot like that, only… younger. They hadn't started growing the course black tuft on their heads that would become their crowns, or the beginnings of wings, and most of them hadn't developed even very crude and shrivelled limbs. They appeared to be nothing more than, well, little blue beans.

"What- But- How-?"

"Post-procreation and prior passing to their partner's pouch, papas precisely present precious pups, meaning mums make marvellous lifesmoke," she reminded me. "Look. Little lads and ladies didn't live long enough to learn life and linger."

"Yes, they didn't have any magic in their systems that would turn to smoke… Let's see here. So, clearly when the lesser honey-lock kicked in thirteen days following fertilisation and the parents met together again, all the pups must have died following the transition to their mother's pouch, which lacked the lifesmoke to sustain it in response to the miscarriage of the mother on the Fairy side of things." That thought left me tapping one claw against my head. "No, no, that isn't quite right. It's Fairy fathers who carry the young to term; don't ask me why. It doesn't make sense that they should be like that unless their reproductive systems had evolved from ours, which of course couldn't be true seeing as they're made from dust and we came from smoke. Hmm…"

I thought better when I was actively moving. I paced back and forth in front of Mona a few times, my hands locked behind my back and gaze affixed on the ground. "Right then. Let's assume it wasn't the lack of lifesmoke that killed these unborn pups. After all, an Anti-Fairy damsel's body prepares itself to accept a pup from the moment her partner's hormones are passed into her body during an act of procreation. There's no preventing that. Fairy fathers, then, must have miscarried all these babies, and their Anti-Fairy counterparts produced stillborns. That's the only explanation. But why are there so many of them? Why, this crate must contain hundreds. Thousands! Tens of thousands, perhaps!"

Maybe not. But maybe.

Mona tipped her head to one side, keeping one of her ears pricked and angling the other flat. "Fairy fathers forbidden from further fertility fun."

I frowned. "Only the common fairy subspecies were banned from reproducing at this time, not all the rest of everyone, but no, that can't be the explanation. Their fallopian tubes were stopped up six years ago now. Their ovaries literally can't send eggs down to the uterus. There's no reason Anti-Fairy fathers would continue developing tiny unborn pups in their pouches. Why, then we'd all be shedding embryos on a regular basis every time we came into estrous. The Fairies may do that, but that's not how it works for Anti-Fairies… as is my understanding, considering how ridiculously inefficient it would be for us to evolve regular estrous cycles considering we can only produce viable offspring in response to successful sexual activity of our counterparts."

After three minutes of walking in circles, I turned on Mona again. "I simply don't understand it, darling. You know as well as I do that we eat these so-called 'blue beans' at nearly every large meal. Unlike her Seelie Court counterpart, Anti-Venus isn't concerned with love and reproduction. She prefers plants. What reason would she have for collecting stillborn embryos from others? No. No, the only viable explanation for these being in the Anti-Eros tower is if they were produced by the cherubs who resided there before the place burned down. But, as I previously stated, we eat these as regularly as we do pinkie mice. All Anti-Fairies do- you can see them for sale in the Luna's Landing market. They can't all come from the cherubs who once lived here. The only way there could be so many of them is if every drake is producing them in their pouches, but that would imply that thousands upon thousands upon thousands of Fairies are miscarrying babies at a near-endless rate! Why? That doesn't make sense! Plenty of Fairies are still able to carry their nymphs to term, meaning the cause of such spontaneous abortions isn't blanketing all of Fairy World."

Mona set the canteen down. "Possibly? Perhaps it's prompted by Anti-Fairy potential parents performing procreation processes when their 'parts pass on the possibility. They birth baby bodies."

"But…" Staring at the crate again, I drew my wand and pushed the star-capped end through my hair. "Even without the baby's counterpart developing on the other side? That doesn't make any sense! It doesn't! Anti-Fairies are a race who reflect their counterparts. Why would our bodies evolve in a manner that resulted in them wasting massive amounts of energy and resources during regular menstrual cycles to produce and nurture an infant that was likely to die stillborn 99.99% of the time anyway? We can't have pups if our counterparts don't have nymphs! That's simply how it works. Sometimes our counterparts reproduce and sometimes they don't, and it's not our choice. It's up to them, and so our bodies don't need to act like we'll produce offspring at any time. Everyone knows that!"

"Suppose…" Mona turned her head. "… they weren't supposed to suffer as stillborns."

I frowned, keeping my wand in my hair and my right hand on my waist. "Whatever are you getting at, darling?"

Mona took a minute to consider what she wanted to say, her brow wrinkling and lips pinching together. I pricked my ears, recognising that if she were preparing to force a blended alliterative sentence through her mental filters, she must have something very important she intended to say. When she spoke, it was a mite slower than was usual for her.

"Wait. Well, what if we weren't meant to make many pups purely 'cuz our counterparts can? Suppose studies should show us Unseelie are really ready to reproduce… when we want?"

"What? Us? Non-hosting counterparts? Don't be absurd! Why, then we would have had to evolve regular heat cycles like the Fairies have."

Mona clasped her hands behind her back. "Meaning… our multi-monthly migration meetings?"

My wand clattered from my hand, bouncing in the ashes between our feet. The hand went to my mouth. And she would know, of course. After all, just as I had so clearly been born with the personality profile of an absolutely brilliant genius, Mona had the personality profile of a budding veterinarian. She understood these things.

"Mr. Thimble called migration season a free-for-all mating session for Anti-Fairies," I said faintly. "But… Oh goodness no, that can't be. Put the thought out of your head, silly dame. Mona, Anti-Fairy reproduction is wholly reliant upon that of Fairies, all right? Th-they're our hosting counterparts. Our lives reflect theirs. That's how it is, regardless of the existence of migration season. We don't fade in and out of heat like they do. We just don't. And… and… there are other creatures that migrate to find new sources of food when plants and herds become scarce in the winter, too. Migration isn't just a time to engage in seasonal breeding."

Other creatures who didn't live in cloudlands with year-round temperatures, anyway. I'd been raised knowing all about our year-round temperatures - cool in Fairy World and colder still in Anti-Fairy World - yet never before had I questioned the Anti-Fairy custom of migrating once in early winter and once in late spring. While I still wasn't convinced the reasons were wholly sexual in nature (Migrations were frequently attended by young prepubescent juveniles, after all), the baffling concept did give me something to chew on.

No. Anti-Fairies didn't have heat cycles. Everybody knew that- Heck, even the Fairies did, which was at least partly the reason we were stereotyped as a wild, promiscuous people, seeing as our throes of passion tended not to ebb and flow in predictable waves like theirs. Unburdened by long, dull centuries of low sexual interest, Anti-Fairies could be found wooing their beaux any time of the year. Simply, unlike most species, our drakes didn't ovulate until after coming into intimate contact with a damsel; we were known as "induced ovulators". Everybody knew that.

But why, if Mona's hypothesis was correct, would Anti-Fairy drakes be forced to pass stillborn children from their pouches following any time they engaged in intimacy with a damsel? The resources required to craft the body, the energy required to carry it (even if it was for only thirteen days before the mother took it in)… It couldn't be true. It simply couldn't be. All of it was a lie, because it went against everything I knew of evolution. Why would our race evolve such an obviously inefficient reproductive system, when structuring the pup's body only following a true fertilisation would be so much easier?

Unless Mona was right, and despite everything I'd been taught, everything I'd read, everything I'd just naturally assumed, our race was physically designed to reproduce according to our own choice…

… right up until someone had deliberately altered our reproductive status to belatedly mirror those of our Fairy counterparts.

It didn't make sense. Who would do such a thing? When, how, and why? With magic? Could you alter an entire people's way of life with a simple wave of a magic wand? If so, why did we never talk about this aspect of our history? Surely someone would have known? This theory of ours manifested as naught but sheer lunacy; yet, there was no reason Anti-Fairies should have evolved the ability to produce guaranteed stillborn offspring if there wasn't any use for it…

A dreadfully cold pit settled in the base of my stomach at the thought. My throat tightened. I reached out and took Mona's hand. "Maybe we should go." Even so, when I waved my wand to levitate the large crate and awkwardly float it closer to the tunnel entrance, I found my mind working through the matter of the unborn pups at rapid speed. "I say, Mona. Let's imagine, as preposterous as the claim seems, that Anti-Fairy bodies were, at some point in our evolutionary history, designed to undergo heat cycles and produce offspring independently of our counterparts' influence. All right?"

"Right."

I squeezed her hand. "Do… do you think that perhaps the status of present day could be altered? Might some future genius be able to reconfigure our reproductive systems to return to that setting, so we Anti-Fairies could reproduce as we choose to? Imagine it: Anti-Fairies electing for themselves the time when it feels right to raise a child. And actually raising one of their own, with- with- the damsel who was actually the legitimate mother, of their own choice and not the honey-lock's forcing!"

"Couldn't a creative, up-and-coming catch like you create that considerate condition?"

Struck dumb for a moment, I nearly dropped the levitating crate. But then, "Well- I mean, in theory, yes. Well, why don't I? Why don't I!" I grabbed both of Mona's hands in mine and pulled her in until our noses bumped. "I say, confound the law that fairy babies aren't to be born any longer! Confound Fairy-Cosmo's forced sterilisation and stopped-up fallopian tubes. Why, Mona, if I could unravel this mystery and prove this theory of unbound Unseelie breeding you and I have dreamt up, then the pair of us - That's you and I! - could even grant ourselves the chance to have a pup of our own someday, rrregardless of how sterile Fairy-Cosmo was intended to be! Anti-Fairies, breeding independently of our Fairy counterparts! Ohh, wouldn't that be something?"

Mona stared at me, and I stared back at her. Since the year she was born, when I was only two years old, we had accepted the fact that someday, perhaps without warning, her honey-lock instinct would kick in. Her fur colour would change to the same shade as her qalupalik counterpart's eyes, and she would breed with another drake - perhaps a friend, perhaps a stranger - while I slept alone that night on our lonely roost awaiting her return. Pregnancy was bound to happen eventually. As her committed husband, I would raise the child as though I'd borne him, even knowing that not a single hair on his body was truly mine.

But to procreate of our own intention… my dear Mona and I coming together one day in the passionate creation of a pup of our very own…

"Yes," she whispered. Her fingers tightened around mine. "Julius, I'd just jump with joyous jubilee."

"So if I were to unravel this mystery of the Anti-Fairy reproductive system sync, I actually could father my own legitimate pups one of these days after all…" Unable to keep my emotions in check, I dropped Mona's hands and wrapped my arms behind her back. My fingers felt their way along her slippery wings. My cheek accepted the warm embrace of her dark hair. I tucked a puff of it behind her ear.

Oh gods, could you imagine it? An actual, legitimate child of my own? I could see him in my mind's eye (I say him, for I did think I wanted a son if I could so choose, although I think I might do a good job at raising a little damsel too; yes, I might). He'd be scruffy around the edges, with my black wings instead of Mona's pale ones, but her wildly frizzy black hair and three-pointed qalupalik crown, and his eyes… What colour eyes would the child have? Mona's were red for now, for she didn't carry the iris virus. I supposed I wouldn't know for some time yet. Some delicious night, I'd have to grant them to her. Oh, what fun, to be a father!

Pulling back, I brushed my hands quickly down the front of my tunic and cleared my throat. "Yes, well, of course, it will be at least 150,000 slow and painful years before our little prepubescent bodies develop into those of mature adults. For some Anti-Fairies, it takes even longer than that- perhaps as long as 30,000 years or so. But don't you fret, Mona my darling, for I shall devise a solution to our predicament centuries - Nay, millennia! - before we come of age, and we can put my hypotheses to the test the very day we are able." As I spoke, I reached to cup her chin in my hand. "Ohh, think of it. And on that beautiful night when we're both of age and ready for it, I shall make you mine, my little dab of butter on a pleasantly warm scone, and we shall never, ever spend another day apart-"

"Julius," she giggled.

"-This, I swear!"

I jabbed my claw to the sky as I shouted it, but I let it fall again. Before silence could overtake us with its awkward embrace, I yanked on her hand. "First, however, I shall have to go to school and learn all that I can regarding reproduction. And for that, I must absolutely and undeniably prove the vast capabilities of my far-reaching intelligence with a placement test only Ambrosine Whimsifinado can give me. Come on now! First we must trick that von Strangle lad into believing we are selling these precious 'beans' to Fairies across the border. If I didn't recognise them as stillborns, surely he won't either."

Such was their fate, in playing their part to get me through to Fairy World. Mona and I, and the floating crate with us, returned to the tunnel entrance to find the young von Strangle down the short slope, sitting cross-legged with his staff in his lap. He held a cloth in his hand, polishing his staff's golden star until it gleamed. At our approach, he looked up and narrowed his eyes.

"Anti-Fairies? Ha! You may as well just turn your little tails around before I turn them for you. No Anti-Fairies get to Fairy World on my shift. For I" - here he hefted his staff - "am Jorgen von Strangle, the eldest son of the Keeper of Da Rules herself! Haha! Haha!"

When he channelled the magic through his skin and into his wand, the star began to glow bright yellow. Coincidentally, it also heated up rapidly, prompting the polish to sizzle and crackle in a manner that resembled lightning. He was a great deal taller than us, even though he was still quite young. Not nearly as young as Augustus and Caden, but young nonetheless. Mona and I both bowed appropriately as was expected of us when faced with a fairy of his status.

"Oh, but you see, Jorgen sir, we're allowed today. Here is our passport." I showed him the small badge that permitted me travel to Spellementary School should I ever be forced to fly there instead of taking the portal. "And here is our location." I removed a scroll from my pack and held it out too. "As you can plainly see, the pair of us have been asked to pay a visit to the therapist Ambrosine Whimsifinado, residing at 37 Twilight Lane in the town of Novakiin."

I had written the name of the location very carefully on a blank parchment I'd found in my father's storeroom. Of course Novakiin was a town. A place needed a Zodiac Temple on the premises to be legally classed as a city. I knew the location of all seven Temples, and Novakiin wasn't one of them.

"Oh." Jorgen frowned, his excitement shifting to disappointed curiosity. He gave the green bow at his neck a tug, then took the scroll from me and unfurled it. "Hmm… Yes, you have written down a location here. But! This proves nothing!"

I pressed my lips together. "Nothing? Really? Are you quite certain?"

He lifted his thin shoulders in a shrug, deflating down to his more nervous persona once again. "Would the both of you not need a passport in order for both of you to pass through the very tall and impressive Divide Gate I am guarding?"

"No, just the one badge. It has two stars on it, see? That covers passage for two people." I pointed at myself. "One." Then at Mona. "Two."

Jorgen's knuckles clenched around the scroll. "Do not be too cocky, little anti-fairy dweeb. Are you insulting me, thinking I am not able to count to the number of two myself?"

My wings trembled. Jorgen wasn't all that big or intimidating, really, but he was still quite taller than Mona and I put together. Despite his poindexter appearance, he carried himself like a soldier. "N-no, sir. I'm only trying to be of help to a man as fine as you are. We Anti-Fairies aren't all bad, you see. No reason to be frightened of us. Look here." With a swirl of my wand, I indicated the crate of unborn pups we'd brought along. Mona made a show of gesturing to it with her hands, smiling an enormously fake smile the whole time. "Why, dear Mona here and I have with us a supply of delicious crops that we intend to offer as a token of goodwill to our Fairy friends and neighbours. They're blue beans, an Anti-Fairy delicacy. It's all quite good and proper, you see."

"Ha!" Jorgen's enormous finger prodded at my chest hard enough to make me stumble back, feet skittering in the ashes. "I know exactly what it is you are trying to do! You wish to bring poisoned food across the border to Fairy World!"

I lifted the pointer claws on both my hands and allowed a small smile to play across my lips. "Ah, not so, good sir! I have yet to elaborate on the nature of this cargo we happen to be transporting to Novakiin. For you see, these aren't just any ordinary beans. These are magic beans."

Jorgen scooped up a handful of the blue beans - er, embryos, I suppose - and let them run through his fingers. He did it again. And a third time. After examining them closely and pocketing a few, he snorted, unimpressed. My smile wavered. All right. Plan beta.

"Oh, drat." I stomped my foot. "As outrageously clever as I so obviously am, it would appear that you've outfoxed me, and now I shall have a cow." Sighing, I combed my claws through my floppy hair. "Oh, very well. I suppose you'll want to sentence us to community service now and force us to bury all these evil beans in the disgustingly damp and beautiful vapour of Fairy World where they shan't be able to do harm to anyone. And what's worse, I expect you'll probably want to poof us straight to 37 Twilight Road in Novakiin, where Ambrosine Whimsifinado will confront us and punish us horribly for using his name in our evil intentions."

Mona hummed anxiously at my side. If you had asked me then, I would have sworn that Jorgen wasn't going to buy it. Honestly, what sort of buffoon considers burying an allegedly poisonous plant an effective way to dispose of them, with no concern as to the effects they might have on the clouds that not only provided land for us to walk on, and not only granted us our precious water supply, but also embodied the spirit of the Ursa of Many Colours, Tír Ildáthach, herself?

And yet, Jorgen raised his staff anyway, preparing to bring it down in the soil with a smash. "So it shall be! And let your punishment be a lesson to you: No Anti-Fairy can outsmart Jorgen von Strangle!"

Mona and I vanished in an enormous poof of glittering Fairy dust. It's really too easy sometimes.

A/N - "Jorgen and the Beanstalk" was Jorgen's fairy tale in the episode "Fairy Tales". I'm sure Jorgen and Anti-Cosmo have a long history of border-crossing skirmishes, and they had to start somewhere.