Mike had always known that something was wrong with Harvey.
From the outside — and at first glance — the lawyer gave the impression of being sure of himself, comfortable in his shoes, that he mastered the situation and was not afraid of anything. In his private life, the lawyer owned luxury cars, had a lot of money, a magnificent condo with a view on the New York skyline, different girls as sexy as each other in his bed almost every night, and suits all as expensive as the other. Same on the professional side. He worked in one of the most prestigious firms in the whole United States, he was one of the most talented lawyers of his generation, with an impressive number of victories that could even seem inhuman while everyone feared him and his reputation. The first time Mike had met him, even if it wasn't on purpose, he had been immediately impressed by his presence and his audacity. Then he had seen him in court for the first time, and he had been even more impressed, but it was also that day that he had understood that all of this was just a facade. As soon as the trial was won, Mike had been able to see the pride of victory in his eyes, the sincere arrogant smile of having beaten the other, his playfulness in the face of the situation, but the moment they had returned to Harvey's office, it was as if he was facing another person. As soon as he entered the room, the older lawyer had poured himself a glass of whiskey, his eyes were dark and sad again, his lips were pursed, and he was jaded and bored by everything.
«Hey, you're okay?»
«What?»
«I don't know. A second ago, you were happy about the victory, now you're weird»
«I have a lot to do, Mike. It's only one victory, I need to focus on the next one. That's how you'll be a good lawyer too»
With that, Mike had simply nodded and continued working. The days passed, becoming weeks, then months, as he began to know Harvey better and better. The lawyer was dedicated to his work and capable of doing anything to save what he loved, but he was mostly lonely, angry, on edge, and aggressive. That was what struck Mike the most, the fact that he was angry at everyone, all the time, and didn't hesitate to trash his office as soon as he was upset, smashing glasses against the walls or hitting people. Harvey wasn't a bad person, not at all, but there was something wrong with him. After nearly six months of working together, bad news kept coming for Mike, and the young man just wanted to calm his nerves for once and get high to forget everything, just one night. But when Harvey showed up at his place, he was surprised to see the lawyer smoke a puff, then a second, and a third until he finished the joint and was completely stoned with him. He couldn't have said when the mood had changed, maybe it was when Harvey had talked about his mother or Mike had made a joke about imagining his boss with a baby, but in any case, he was currently sitting at the table, watching Harvey stare at his feet silently.
«Hey, what's going on?»
«I'm stoned»
«So you're depressed when you're stoned?»
«Yeah»
An hour ago, when he had just finished his joint, Mike had had the feeling of having a teenager in front of him who was laughing, who was careless, and not the serious and closed man who was in front of him right now, the same one who became crazy as soon as he was upset, who was constantly angry and sad. To lighten the mood, Mike decided to play a game to learn more about his colleague, and as the questions went on, they could feel that they were approaching deeper subjects.
«What is the best piece of advice you've ever been given?»asked Mike.
«When you're backed against the wall, break the goddamn thing down»
«That's good»
«What about you?»
«I don't know. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade»
«That's fucking pathetic»snorted Harvey.
«Alright, let me think… What movie or show do you keep rewatching?»
«I love Star Trek»
«No way»
«Yes way. What about you?»
«I'm a huge fan of Batman»
«Really?»
«Yeah. Alright, your turn»
«What do you feel has been your greatest win so far in life?»
«This. You know, me at the firm. You?»
«I would say my career, yeah»sighed Harvey.
«What is the most trouble you've ever been in?»
«I ended up in police custody for trashing the walls of my school»
«What did you do?»
«Dicks. Like everywhere»
«Oh my God»snorted Mike.
«Yeah.. What about you?»
«Fucking up and not being able to actually become a real lawyer»
«Yeah, that was a really shitty idea»
«Your biggest regret?»
For a few seconds, the room was silent as Mike waited for an answer and Harvey downed the rest of his beer in one gulp. If the younger lawyer thought he would never get an answer, he choked on his own saliva as he heard Harvey mutter.
«My divorce»
Mike thought he had misheard. Had Harvey really said the word divorce? Impossible. This was Harvey — Harvey Specter — the man who slept with so many women he couldn't remember their names, the one who was a real heartbreaker to everyone, the one who didn't care about love or serious relationships. Seeing Harvey grab a second beer that was lying on the table, Mike couldn't help but continue the conversation.
«You were married?»
«I was, yeah»
«What happened?»
«I was madly in love with her, we were so happy together, super in love, and then suddenly it was over, she left»
«Harvey, if you were so good together, why did it end?»
«Because I fucked up»
«What did you do?»
«We were married and happy, I thought we couldn't be happier. And then one day, she asked me for a baby, so I panicked and I fucked up. I started to be distant, when she wanted to have a conversation, I ran away so as not to have to talk to her, I came home later and later every night to avoid confrontation, I drank more and more, and sometimes, I heard her crying in our bedroom, and since I didn't know what to do because I knew it was all my fault, I turned up the volume of the television because it physically hurt me to hear her. One day, she told me that she was unhappy with me, and I simply replied that I was sorry. In the end, she asked for divorce, and I didn't want to make her even more unhappy, so I signed without even fighting for her»
«Were you married for a long time?»
«When I saw her in that bar, it was love at first sight, she was gorgeous and absolutely perfect. We were dating pretty quickly, and after a year, I proposed to her because I loved her so much and I didn't want to wait any longer. We got married in the courthouse here, then we lived our perfect married life for four years, and now it's been two years since she signed the papers. And if I thought the pain would go away with time, in reality, as each day goes by, it hurts even more. When she left, she took a piece of me with her — probably my heart — and I feel like I can never be happy again. It's pathetic, right?»
«No, you were in love»
«I'm still in love. I know she was the one and only, the love of my life, my soulmate, the one that got away, or whatever you called that. She was everything to me, the reason I felt alive, and now… I'm just empty»
«Why didn't you fight for her?»
«Because when you hear the person you love most in the world crying and you know you're the reason she does, it hurts, and you'll do anything to stop the torture, even if you know it could kill you»
«Where is she now?»
«Skadden from what I heard»
«She's a lawyer?»
«Legal secretary, even though she would have been a hell of a lawyer»
«What about now? You said she was the love of your life, try to find her again. It's not because you divorced that everything is dead»
«She has her life now, Mike»
«What?»
«Louis told me that one of his clients, a guy named Thomas I don't know what — an architect — was dating a legal secretary from Skadden»
«Maybe it's not her»
«He said she was a redhead with great taste in style. It can only be Donna»
«Donna?»
For a few seconds, Harvey pulled out his wallet before digging through it and pulling out a small white paper folded in two, hidden inside.
«Donna, yeah»
As Mike grabbed the paper, he opened it and saw that it was a photo taken in a photo booth, black and white, torn in the middle, as if Harvey had the upper part and the lower part was in another wallet. In the first photo, the young couple smiled at the camera, showing a younger Harvey, carefree, who was smiling widely like Mike had never seen him before. Next to him, a beautiful woman with big eyes and a beautiful smile that lit up the room. On the next small picture, the couple were kissing tenderly, the redhead's hand on his jaw, his hair slicked to the side while she has a bangs, and a smile on the corner of their lips. He had never seen Harvey so relax and happy as in these photos.
«You still carry that picture in your wallet?»
«That's not the worse, I'm just unable to move on. All these girls I sleep with are there only to remind me that I could never really replace her. And when they spend the night at my place, I put the same perfume as her in the room, and I close my eyes just so I can kiss them without embarrassment»
«Harvey»sighed Mike.
«If one day I die, she inherits everything from me, I never removed her name from my inheritance because I can't believe that she is no longer mine. I still have some of her clothes at home, I can't sleep with a redhead because all I think about is her, I still wear my wedding ring at home to reassure myself, it makes me feel like I'm not alone anymore for a moment until it's back to reality. You know the worst part? When we found ourselves with our lawyers to sign the divorce papers, I didn't even think about taking it off, I mean, my wedding ring was for life, it was normal for it to be there. Then she arrived, I saw her grab the pen to sign the documents, and her fingers were bare, she was no longer wearing the ring with the huge diamond that I had made myself so that no one would have the same one as her, nor even the wedding ring that went with mine. How many hours I had spent at the jeweler to make sure the ring was as perfect as she was, all those moments when I kissed her rings because it made me crazy with joy or when I looked at them because I was proud — all that was gone. At that moment, it was like my world had collapsed, I signed, and as soon as she left, I spent my day throwing up in the bathroom of the firm, unable to stop myself»
«What about now?»
«I don't even know. I kill myself at work to forget, and it's kind of working, the days seem shorter and less difficult. But it's at night when I come home that it's the worst. She's the one who left our apartment, so the first few days, when I came home alone, without her stuff, I got high to forget, and when that didn't work anymore, I drank until I was close to an alcoholic coma to finally fall asleep. I wouldn't be able to sleep in our bed anymore, or live in that apartment, everything reminded me of her, so as soon as I woke up the next day with a sore back from sleeping on the couch again, I put our flat up for sale and started sleeping in hotels until I found the condo where I currently live. And even though it's a beautiful apartment, I can't feel at home, and I constantly imagine Donna there with me cooking, reading a book in bed, watching a baseball game with me even though she doesn't care — it's been two years, but I just can'tmove on »
«Harvey, this isn't a way to live your life. You have to do something about it, either move on or try to do things right with her»
«Mike, you should have seen her. She is the most radiant woman you have ever seen, always smiling, friends with everyone, and happy, but with me, the last months, she was off. As soon as we were at home, she would cry silently, keeping quiet, I wanted so much to take her in my arms, kiss her, and apologize for being an asshole, that I was just scared, but I stayed like an idiot standing there doing nothing while she suffered. I destroyed her, and she moved on with her life, I'd rather be unhappy knowing she isn't anymore than us being together and both of us suffering»
«Do you mind if I ask you why?»
«Why what?»
«Why did you panic when she asked for a baby?»
«Because I would have been a shitty father. Mine was absent and missed everything, he wasn't there for what was important to me, and I hated him for it. And my mother, well, I told you, she blew up my family out of pure selfishness by running off with her lover. I didn't know what it was to be a good parent, and I was afraid of screwing up myself. Donna had always wanted to be a mom, and I knew she was going to be perfect, and I was so afraid of not being good enough, of screwing up, and that this child would end up hating me and Donna too. At that point, I didn't see how to be a good father; I had no role models, I was working all the time, I was full of insecurities and scared of not being good enough. So instead of confiding in her as I always did, I knew that baby subject was bigger as I was afraid of hurting her and losing her, so I didn't say anything, I kept it all to myself until I scared her away. It's been two years since I last saw her, and I still feel like I'm dying. I lost the love of my life, and I am the only one responsible, I can only blame myself»
«I'm sorry, brother»
The rest of the night Harvey drank and drank again, smoking a joint and finally falling asleep on Mike's couch fully clothed. The next day, he woke up before him, remembered the words exchanged, and could feel his eyes aching and his lips salty from unconsciously crying in his sleep. So quickly, he left the apartment, went home to shower, get dressed, take an Advil, and go back to work as if nothing had happened. The moment he met Mike at the office, the two of them exchanged a look full of innuendo: I got you brother and we'll never talk about it again. Days passed, then weeks, until the day Harvey thought he was hallucinating. There she was, in front of him, walking down the hallway, still as beautiful as before, as they exchanged a quick glance before she disappeared from his sight. He couldn't have said how long he had stood frozen in his office wondering if he was really losing his mind or if it was real. At the same time, across the hall, Mike was walking towards Jessica's office with a pile of files but stopped dead when he saw that she was talking to a redhead who had her back to him. When he saw the lawyer motioning him in anyway, Mike hurried to push the glass door open only to stop dead again when the stranger turned around. He had only seen a picture of her once, and a small one per se, but he would never forget her face, the one that made his now best friend so sad.
«Hello»
«Oh, hello. Um, I'm Mike, associate lawyer»
«Donna. Nice to meet you»
As she held out her hand to shake it, Mike understood why Harvey couldn't move on, this woman was beautiful and gave off a feeling of benevolence and deep kindness. As he observed her for a few seconds, it was Jessica who interrupted his thoughts by speaking.
«Anyway, Donna, I'll get back to you as soon as I know more, but don't worry too much, I'm sure it's nothing serious»
«Thanks Jessica, see you around. Bye Mike»
«Bye.. Donna»
As soon as the redhead left, Mike remained a little shaken in the middle of the office until the woman in front of him looked at him with a questioning look.
«Do you need anything else, Mike?»
«Is she Harvey's ex-wife?»
«He told you?I'm surprised, it's a subject that remains very difficult for him»
«Well, he was drunk and high»
«Jesus»
«Yeah»
«He doesn't talk to me about it, but I suppose it's still not better?»
«Will it ever get better?I have the feeling he doesn't want to move on »
«He will never move on, Mike. We're talking about Donna, she's the one true love of Harvey's life. Them being away from each other is worse than being togetherand unhappy »
«You knew them? I mean, as a couple»
«Even better, I saw them becoming a couple»
«Really?»
«Yeah. When I met Harvey, he was just a big, stupid teenager who only cared about having fun. I sent him to Harvard, where he jerked off the entire time he was there, but he was good. So as soon as he was done, I sent him to the DA's for the experiment, and even though he spent a little too much time having fun for my tastes, he was an excellent lawyer. I stopped at the DA's by every now and then to see how my protégé was doing, but one afternoon, I don't know, something changed. It was like he was more mature, more peaceful, and more thoughtful — he was different and it didn't take me more than ten minutes to understand why»
«Donna?»
«Exactly. You should have seen the way he was looking at her, like she was the only thing that mattered in the world, there was only her and nothing else. So I wasn't too surprised to see them a few months later walking hand in hand in Central Park and then kissing, and a few months later, I saw the huge ring on her finger and Harvey's smile. They were so happy together and spent their days flirting here at the office, without ever stopping. One day, I understood that something was wrong, they were both unhappy and didn't communicate anymore, so the day Harvey came to give me their divorce papers, I understood that we will never find the Harvey of before again»
«He told me he didn't fight for her»
«He didn't. It was pretty informal. I was sitting next to him, and Donna was across from him with her lawyer, who listed their rights and what was coming to them, they agreed to everything, signed, and went their separate ways. It was the most silent and sad divorce I had ever witnessed»
«Did he tell you why?»
«I never asked»
«She wanted a baby»
«And he panicked because he thought he would never be good enough for her and a baby»
«Exactly»
«I'm not surprised»sighed Jessica.
«I always knew there was something wrong with him, he was always unhappy and angry, but now that I know, it's making me sad»
«And there's nothing we can do»
At the same time, Harvey came quickly into the office with big panicked eyes and stammering.
«What was she doing here?»
«Harvey, it's personal»
«Is she at least okay? I mean, she's not in trouble?»
«No, no, don't worry»
«Jessica, please. What's going on?»
«It's her father, Harvey»whispered Jessica.
«Is he okay?»
«He has trouble again»
«Fucking asshole. He'll never leave her alone»
«Harvey, I told you, this is personal. Don't get involved»
«We're talking about Donna»
«That's right, we're talking about Donna. So now you go back to work and forget you ever saw her. Don't make things any more complicated than they already are»
«Right. Sorry»
As Harvey left the office, Mike and Jessica both looked at each other, a little lost and perplexed by the situation until the young lawyer started talking.
«Harvey told me she worked at Skadden, why didn't she ask there?»
«Because her father is in trouble again, and it's usually Harvey and I who take care of that, but she can't go to him anymore, so she comes to me because I know the man»
«But Harvey — »
«— is a big boy. He must know how to separate things»
«He still loves her»
«And she still loves him too, but trust me, you don't want to see them the way they were two years ago»
«Yeah, right»sighed Mike.
After that conversation, Mike went back to his office, passing Harvey's, only to see him staring into space, his eyes sad and desperate, breaking the younger lawyer's heart. After that, the days went by, then the weeks, and Mike could see that Harvey had been disturbed to see the woman of his life again two years after their divorce. For Harvey, if he had thought that seeing her again would heal his heart, he would never have thought that it could have actually saddened him even more than he already was. Seeing her leave the firm, her beautiful eyes filled with sadness and guilt when they had rested on him, had just reminded him of everything he had lost and the fact that he would never be happy again, and even if he tried to get back on his feet, it was too complicated, he just couldn't do it. So he killed himself in work to occupy his mind and try to forget his despair, and if he prayed to never cross her again to avoid being even more heartbroken, it was without imagining this specific evening. As it was almost nine o'clock in the evening and the firm was now deserted, he heard the clicking of heels in the distance and felt his heart tighten: everything reminded him of her, even this. But as he tried to refocus on his work, he saw her long red hair shine in the distance in the numbness of the floor. There she was, a few feet from him, absolutely perfect as usual. He could see she was looking for someone, probably Jessica, but couldn't seem to find them. So after taking a deep breath, he got up from the darkness of his office to walk over and whisper, his raspy voice echoing throughout the floor.
«Hey»
The moment she turned around, Harvey felt his knees buckle as she looked at him with her big, round, beautiful eyes.
«Hey. Hum, I was looking for Jessica. We were supposed to meet in five minutes»
«I know she had a last minute emergency, I don't know when she's coming back»
«Oh. It's fine, I'll come by another day then»
«Maybe I can help you?»murmured the lawyer.
«It's alright. I should go»
«Donna. Please»
«Harvey»
«Jessica told me it was your father»
«Did she tell you? Great, professional secrecy is really respected here»smiled the redhead.
«I was worried. I thought you were in trouble»
«No, well, it's my father. Again»
«What's going on?»
«The usual. He invested in a failed business, and now his partner is trying to get money out of him»
«Did you give him your money?»
«No, I didn't»
«Good»
«Look, I should go, but I was happy to see —»
«Stay. Just for a drink»
«Harvey, this is a bad idea, and you know it»
«Come on. A few minutes, I just want to know how you're doing. It's been so long»
For a few seconds, they looked at each other, and Harvey knew she was going to give in, because, like him, she was incapable of saying no to him. As she bit her lower lip softly in thought, she took a deep breath before whispering.
«Alright, but just one drink»
As she walked towards him, Harvey could feel the butterflies in his stomach going crazy as he saw her approach and take a quick glance towards her old desk, where they had spent hours talking, laughing, flirting, and kissing when no one was around anymore. As she walked past him into the office, the lawyer closed his eyes as her scent entered his nostrils, making him lose his mind instantly. Seeing her heading towards the couch where they used to share a drink, making out when they were alone and telling each other their deepest secrets in the darkness of the room, he took a deep breath before moving forward and pouring two glasses of whiskey, Macallan 18, just like when they had met. Barely seated opposite each other, it was Harvey who started talking.
«How is Skadden? I heard you worked for Jeffrey Russell»
«Did you hear or did you investigate?»
«Alright, you know me too well, I investigate»chuckled Harvey as Donna smiled.
«Well, it's pretty good. I mean, I do my job, and that's it, the schedules are cooler, and there's a lot less work than here»
«I guess»
«What about you? Your new secretary?»
«Well, he's okay, we don't really talk. I had about twenty different ones before him, and apparently, I was too demanding, it was never good enough, it wasn't you. So Jessica told me that if I fired one more secretary, I would have one anymore, so I'm more lax, and Cameron is not bad»
«Good»
«And life in general? How are you doing?»
«Harvey»
«Louis told me you were with one of his clients: Thomas, right?»
«I was, yeah»
«You're not anymore?»muttered Harvey while his heart was beating wildly.
«Nope. He didn't work, and he left»
«Why? I mean, you're amazing, he's stupid to have let you go, and I know what i'm talking about»
«Well, when you come across the engagement and wedding ring that someone else gave to your girlfriend, well hidden in the nightstand next to her bed, it puts a damper on your spirits»
«You still have them?»
«Yeah»
«And he left you for that?»
«That, and other things. The photo of you and me in my wallet was hard to get acceptedtoo »
«In the photo booth at Coney Island?»
«Yeah»
«That's understandable. I still have the first part in my wallet, but the second part was more daring»
«That's true»chuckled Donna.
«Aren't you too sad?»
«Of being single again»
«Of your breakup, yeah»
«Not really. He was a great man, but I don't know, I wasn't that good with him, it lacked madness and spontaneity»
«It wasn't like with me»
«Harvey»
As she rubbed her glass of whiskey against her palm while staring at the brownish liquid inside and biting her lip, it was the lawyer who spoke again.
«Your line is still so visible»
«What?»
«Your heart line on your hand. Do you remember?»
A few years ago, while they were both naked under the sheets after a rather intense sex session, they spent part of the night reading stupid articles on the internet about the lines of the hand and their meanings. When they had arrived at the heart line, Harvey had spent several minutes reading to her that they were deep and long in both of them, signs that their love was invincible and that they loved each other as they didn't think they could love anyone else. At that moment, it seemed so logical and true, they were all for each other and felt an unconditional and indescribable love for their companion. When Harvey had seen how much it made the redhead smile, he had spent hours reading articles as absurd as each other on the physical sign of soulmates while she had fallen asleep in his arms. The next day he had explained to Donna everything he had found as she listened lovingly, calling him her soulmate whenever she had the chance, the lawyer's heart melting each time.
«Of course, I remember»
For a few seconds, no one said anything until Harvey whispered without even thinking.
«I should have never signed those papers»
«Harvey»
«I should have fought for you, never let you go, done something — I don't know — but I should have never gone as far as divorce with you»
«Please, there's no point in dwelling on the past, it'll only complicate things»
«If I could, I would start all over again, I would never make the same mistakes I made in the past, and I would have done anything for us to be together»
«That's the past, Harvey, what's done is done»
«I love you»
«Stop»
«Since you left, I no longer live, I just hoping to survive, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm dying slowly»
«Harvey, please, stop»
«I love you and I always will. Every day I wake up dreaming of you next to me, and as soon as I open my eyes, I don't see you, and I feel like I can't breathe. Every day I try to forget the failure that was our marriage, I try to forget that I'm alone and without you, but I can't»
«I should go»
«Donna, I — »
«I knew it was a very bad idea»
Without waiting for a response from him, she left his office, and Harvey was left alone, again, as he decided to finish the whiskey straight from the bottle, falling asleep on the couch in his three-piece suit a few minutes later. While his head was hurting and his mouth was pasty, he felt someone shake him, and as soon as he opened his eyes, he saw Jessica looking at him with a sad smile.
«Shit, what time is it?»
«Eleven p.m. Go home, Harvey»
«Yeah. I'm sorry, it's just —»
«You saw her, I know. She told me»
«I can't move on, Jessica»
«I know»
«I told her that I regret not fighting for her, that I still love her, and she just left»
«Look, I don't know what really happened between you two apart from the fact that you didn't want the same thing. But I know you, I know her, and I'm pretty sure that telling you love her in your office, which was the no-man zone of your relationship at some point, where everything went to hell, around a glass of whiskey, while you were a little drunk, while I'm pretty sure that alcool, was an issue in your relationship at the end, it was not a very good idea, Harvey»
«I didn't know what to do, she was just in front of me, beautiful and perfect as usual, it hurt physically to see her, I just needed to tell her what I wasn't able to say two years ago»
«I understand, but that doesn't change the fact that this is not the best way to get her back. If that's what you want?»
«I don't know. I love her, I can't be me without her, and I just want her to be happy. But I don't know if I'm able to be the one who could do that. I'm just so scared to hurt her again, Jessica, when she was crying because of me, it's just —»
«You did shit, Harvey. You did, but you can change things, and if you believe that your relationship is worth a second shot, you have to do something about it»
«I'm still as fuck up in my headas I was before »
«Then do something about it. Because it may not have worked out with Thomas because you're still the one who occupies the place in her heart and in her head, but it could work out with someone else, and then, you won't be able to do anything about it. So if you really want her back — and I think that's the only way that will make both of you happy again — do something serious about it»
After his talk with Jessica and seeing Donna, he did something about it, and the next day, he was in Doctor Lipschitz's office, sitting on the couch explaining all his demons to him while two years of intense sadness and frustration manifested themselves in tears streaming down his cheeks. He never thought he'd go to therapy, and if he thought that, in a few sessions, everything would be fixed, he never thought the problem was so deep. Obviously, his mother had ruined him a lot more than he thought.
«I don't need to talk about this. I just want to get better for Donna»
«Harvey, even if you deal with your demons about your failed marriage, what's going to happen the next time she asks you for something that scares you? You have to deal with all your problems to avoid it exploding again with her, because if you find Donna again and it blows up again, you'll never get over it»
So he had listened to him, and for weeks and weeks, almost two months, they had talked several times a week, trying to find solutions to his answers, until Harvey felt more at peace — still unhappy to be without Donna — but less angry with the entire world. When Doctor Lipschitz told him that their intensive sessions were no longer necessary, that he would like to see him from time to time, Harvey thanked the doctor and had left the office for the first time with a sense of hope, imagining that everything would be fine. He had gone home, gotten rid of all the alcohol in his house, and never wanted to fall asleep again thanks to that, before thinking about what he was going to do next. After nearly three hours of thinking, he went to the office to knock on his boss's glass door.
«Hey Jessica, am I bothering you?»
«No, tell me»
«I need to know where she lives»
Jessica didn't need to know who he was talking about, she knew very well, and seeing the hope on his face, she was afraid that he would hit a wall and whisper.
«Harvey, this is not a good idea»
«I have to see her»
«Call her then»
«No, Jessica. Listen, all these years, I have been unable to communicate with her, I have always hidden, and now, I don't want to make the same mistake again, I really have to talk to her, face to face»
For a few seconds, Jessica hesitated, and after yet another sigh, she wrote the address on a piece of paper before handing it to Harvey, who smiled — a sincere smile — the first one in over two years now. So he rushed into his office, his gaze still fixed on the little piece of paper in his hands as Mike looked at him with a smile.
«Hey, you look happy»
«I am»
«What is that?»
«Donna's address»
«What?»
«I'm going to go see her and try to fix things»
«Really?»
«Yeah. My therapist told me that, as I was facing a difficult situation, I had two choices: either do nothing, or do something, and I've already done the first one, which didn't work»
«So you're going to do something»
«Yeah»
«You know what?»
«No, not yet, but I'll figure it out. I always knew what to do for over four years, she probably hasn't changed much, I'll know what to do nowtoo »
«I'm sure of it, brother»
With these last words, he put the paper in the inside pocket of his jacket, against his heart, before smiling at Mike and leaving the office to go home. He went first to the hairdresser, then entered his condo to shower, shave clean, perfume himself, and put on his best casual outfit before rummaging through his papers and leaving his apartment. After going to get a huge bouquet of daisies, he rushed to her new address before taking a deep breath and knocking on the door, the numbers 206 sparkling on the dark wood. One minute, then two, then three, and still nothing. So after a few minutes, he tried his luck again, but still nothing. Six thirty-six, maybe she was still in the office, he was just going to wait for her. The lawyer then sat on the floor, his back against his door, contemplating the bouquet in his hands, patiently waiting for the redhead to return. When at seven thirty she was still not there, he was desperate, maybe she was on a date, or with another man, and the very idea made his throat tighten and he wanted to vomit. As he thought he would spend the night there, he heard the sound of the elevator, then heels on the floor, and as she appeared in the hallway, her gaze focused on her phone screen, Harvey stood up hastily while she gasped at the sight of him in front of her, not expecting him to be there at all.
«Sorry»
«Harvey»
«Hey»
As she stood there, frozen in the middle of the hall in front of him, he cleared his throat before holding out the bouquet to her and whispering.
«Here, this is for you. I got you daisies, you know, like on the train of your wedding dress. I know they're your favorites»
«Thank you»muttered Donna.
«Hum, you think we can talk?»
«Harvey, I —»
«Please»
Seeing him twisting his fingers and biting his lip, a sign that he was stressed, Donna felt her heart tighten and whisper.
«Alright, come on in»
As he entered the apartment, Harvey's breath caught, in two years, she hadn't really changed, and he felt like he saw a little bit of their home in hers. As he settled into the couch, he waited for the redhead to come back, two glasses in hand and a bottle of whiskey — his favorite — that she probably kept for him since she wasn't a fan.
«Oh, I don't drink anymore»
«Really?»
«Yeah, I decided to stop. It was confusing me a little too much sometimes»
«That's good. What else do you want?»
«Do you still have your hibiscus tea? It's been a long time since I had it and I remember that I liked it»
«Oh, um, yeah, of course»
A few minutes later, she came back with the other drink, and Harvey smiled when he saw the pale pink bottle that he spent hours looking for when it was his turn to go shopping. Barely seated on the other side of the couch, she looked at Harvey without knowing what to say while the lawyer took a deep breath before speaking in a stutter.
«I didn't prepare anything, I don't really know how to say it, plus you know how difficult I am with words, so — hum — here»
As Harvey pulled a paper out of his back pocket, unfolding it before attempting to smooth the document out a little awkwardly, Donna watched in shock as he held the paper out to her. As she grabbed the document with a trembling hand, she felt her breath catch.
Marriage License
What does that even mean? As she read the document slowly, the same one they had filled out almost seven years ago with excitement, she felt tears welling up as Harvey twisted his fingers together, anxiously waiting for a response from her.
«Harvey»
«Marry me again»
«What?»
«You are my wife, always have been and always will be. I know what I'm doing is selfish, but I could never be happy without you, you're my reason for living, and for over two years, I've been trying to pretend that everything is okay, when deep down, I'm so miserable without you»
«You can't do this to me, Harvey»whispered the redhead.
«There's not a day that goes by that I don't regret what happened. If I hadn't screwed up, we'd be together and happy because that's what we were for over four years, right? I'm sorry, I should have talked to you when you told me about wanting a baby —»
«Harvey, I don't want to —»
«I should have told you that I was afraid of screwing up»
Faced with Donna's silence, tears in her eyes, Harvey swallowed with difficulty before starting to speak again.
«I really wanted to experience everything with you, everything, but when you told me about the baby, for a second, I imagined you as the mother of our child, and you were perfect, as if you were born for that, and then, I imagined myself.. Donna, I couldn't do that to you. I didn't feel like being a dad at that time, the only role models I had were my absent father and my mother, who had ruined everything, I wouldn't have been able to take care of a child at that time, not like I should have, not like you would have wanted. I was afraid that this child would hate me, that you would hate me, and that I would lose you forever, so I thought that by burying my head in the sand and not answering right away, it would pass. Then I saw how unhappy you were because of me, I wanted to die, and when you asked for a divorce, I thought I was freeing you, that you could finally be happy»
«I was happy with you»whispered Donna.
«I'm so sorry»
«Why didn't you tell me about it?»
«Because your dream was to be a mother, while mine was only you. I always knew how to meet all your needs and desires, and when I understood that this time, I wouldn't succeed, I went crazy, Donna»
«You would have been a great dad, Harv. You're neither like your father nor your mother»
«I know, and I only understood that now, thanks to therapy»
«Therapy?»
«Yeah, when I saw you three months ago, as soon as you left, I was so miserable again that I drank myself to death on the couch in my office. It was Jessica who woke me up a few hours later, and told me that I had to do something, either let you go or do something, and I couldn't let you go, so I started therapy, and God, it was hard. I talked about all my demons, my mother, my father, you, me, everything I hated about me, everything»
«Why now? It's been almost three years since I left»
«One night, I went to Mike's — my associate — and the kid was having a hard time. We smoked a joint together, talked, and, as the evening went on, our discussions became deeper and deeper. He told me he felt orphaned, I told him I had always felt that way, even though I was surrounded. Then we questioned each other about everything and anything until he asked me what was my biggest regret»
«What did you say?»
«What do you think?»muttered Harvey.
«I regretted too, but at that moment, Harvey, it —»
«— it felt like the only solution, Iknow »
«I'm sorry»
«I'm the one who's sorry, Donna. I should have talked to you from the beginning, and I should never have let the situation fester. You were my wife, my other half, and I should have handled it better, like a good husband»
«You were a good husband»
«I was a shitty husband»
«Stop, you were not»
«Look. I'm still in love with you, I never stopped, and I never will. You're the love of my life and I would never move on from you, I just can't do that. So I came in today because I just wanted you to know, and whatever you decide, I'll accept it. Maybe you have someone else in your life or you don't want to suffer anymore, I would understand, for real, but I couldn't continue to live with you ignoring what I feel about you. So here it is, I still want to be your husband, I want us to be happy together as we were because that's the only way I would truly be in my place, and I promise you that I will do everything so you can live the life you dream of. If you accept that I am in your life again, I can't promise you that everything will be fine, I will make mistakes because I still have a lot to deal with, but I will do everything to be a great partner, a perfect husband, and maybe one day a good father. I will do everything in any case, I promise you»
For a few seconds, she said nothing before getting up and leaving the couch to go to her probably room. Meanwhile, Harvey sighed, shaking his knee while continuing to twist his fingers, until he heard the sound of her footsteps on the floor as she took her place back next to him. As she handed him the box that he recognized among a thousand, a slightly rounded square black velvet box, he caught it with a trembling hand, not really knowing what it meant — a final goodbye or a second chance — as he looked up and saw her smile sadly before whispering.
«Only if you promised me to always talk to me, even what scares you the most»
As soon as she finished her sentence, he rushed to her lips to kiss her with all the passion, love, and frustration of these last almost three years. The moment her lips had landed on his, it was as if he had come back to life for the first time in a long time, as if his heart had started beating again, and his blood was boiling, like when they were together and in love. He couldn't believe it, she was there, in his arms, clinging to his neck, his upper back, his jaw, wherever she could, just to feel him against him. As he had just pushed her body with his, both were lying on the couch, kissing passionately, until Harvey separated to straighten up, his knees buried in the couch, Donna's legs around his waist, he opened the box he had in his hands before swallowing hard when he saw the engagement ring bought so long ago to take it out and lean over the redhead again.
«Donna Specter, would you do the greatest honor to become my wife again?»
As she nodded quickly with a big smile on her lips, she hurried to kiss him until Harvey broke away again.
«Wait»
He delicately grabbed her hand to slip the ring, before placing a kiss on it and continuing to place his lips on her fingers, the back of her hand, her palm, her wrist, her arm, her shoulder, her neck, her jaw, her cheek, and finally her mouth. This time, it was Donna who broke away from his mouth.
«What about my wedding ring?»
«Seriously?»
«Three years without you was long enough. I don't want to wait anymore»
«Alright, wait»
He grabbed his wallet from his pocket before opening it and taking out his own wedding ring, and, faced with Donna's smile, he couldn't help but stammer.
«Well, I never part with my wedding ring, I know it's sick, but sometimes I wear it, it makes me feel less alone. Anyway, hum— »
Still kneeling between Donna's legs, the redhead slightly raised by cushions behind her back, he cleared his throat before speaking.
«With this ring, I give you my heart. I have no greater gift to give. I promise I will do my best. I will always try. I feel honored to call you my wife. I feel blessed to call you mine. May we feel this joy forever»
Immediately, he slipped the wedding ring over her engagement ring before placing a kiss on her hand while Donna wiped the tears from his cheeks.
«Alright, give me yours — Thanks — With this ring, I give to you my promise that from this day forward you will not walk alone. May my heart be your shelter and my arms be your home. May we walk together through all things. May you feel deeply loved, for indeed you are»
They had never forgotten their wedding speeches after having rehearsed them over and over again for hours, all that to stutter with emotion in front of all their families. While it was Harvey's turn to wipe away the tears of his now-again-wife, he kissed her for the umpteenth time before whispering against her lips.
«I love you so much»
«I love you too»
Three years had been long, and even if it had been hard for both of them, this distance had done them good in the end, they had realized that they were made for each other, that they couldn't live without the other, and that they were crazy about each other. They could never be separated again, they needed each other to live.
They were soulmates.