Life 2:10 Q and A 2

After the crossing, it wasn't long before Windclan came upon a familiar barn that neighbored Winclan territory. With the barn came a cat Snakepaw had definitely seen before, but he could have sworn that cat was a Thunderclan cat. 'Ravenpaw wasn't it?' Snakepaw pondered. From Snakepaw's extensive experience, it takes a special kind of cat to leave their clan behind, and there's usually some traumatic history to make a cat exile themselves. Snakepaw was definitely interested in the story of this apprentice turned barn cat.

Fireheart did introduce the barn cat to us, but he was generally tight lipped about the cat's story. After a brief debate, Windclan decided to accept Ranpaw and Barley's offer for a place to bunker down for the night. Unfortunately for Snakepaw, the setting of the barn with its few dividing walls acted as a perfect opportunity for Tallstar and the rest of the cats in the know to learn a bit more about the oddity that is Snakepaw. Snakepaw wouldn't be getting a chance to needle Ravenpaw about his story tonight.

The meeting was located behind one of the dividing walls. Piles of hay muffled the sound of the meeting, not that it was necessary given Snakepaw's anomalous nature. On top of that, there was quite a bit of chatter among the Windclan cats not involved, droning out the meeting.

Fireheart, Deadfoot, Graystripe, Tallstar, Barkface, and Snakepaw all sat in a circle. Barkface being a medicine cat meant he'd have a resistance to Snakepaw's memory altering nature, so he was allowed to be involved. All eyes were on Snakepaw as they each were deciding on what questions they wanted to ask.

Fireheart decided to start things off with one of the less morbid questions. "You told me that you never make it to become a warrior. Is there a way to avoid it? Can we somehow prevent your death?"

Snakepaw let out a dismissive laugh. "You don't need to worry about that. It's destiny, and nothing we can do will change that. Though, I do have a funny story about this. I don't know how many lifetimes ago, I was an apprentice in Riverclan. I was the apprentice to the at the time leader. They had a particular fondness for me and wanted to defy my curse. Their answer was to simply never plan to name me a warrior. The funny part is that it worked to a degree. I was clumsier than a mouse with just two left legs, but I was surviving. We managed to squeeze a whole six extra moons out of me. My clumsiness settled down near the end, and I was nearly fully grown. Let me tell you, I was huge, dwarfing even possibly Tigerclaw. With my clumsiness gone, the leader thought we beat the curse. They decided we'd finally hold my warrior ceremony the next day, except I didn't make it that long. I died in my sleep. The cause? I accidentally swallowed my tongue. Talk about embarrassing. Anyways, that's the story of my longest life yet."

Snakepaw was chuckling to himself like it was the most amusing story, but each cat that listened in had a measure of pity towards the apprentice. If Snakepaw's story was true, he'd been denied his chance at an adulthood right at the last moment. It was the ultimate cruelty to one who desired to grow up, and yet Snakepaw just blew it off as a joke.

Graystripe was the one to voice his thoughts on the story. "Weren't you upset that you got denied so close to your warrior ceremony."

Again, Snakepaw just waved a paw dismissively. "Nah. I really saw it coming. If I really thought delaying my name would be the solution, I'd have done it ages ago or just run from the clans. By that point, I'd already done many drastic and unforgivable things in the name of breaking free. If they didn't work, why would this? I knew it would fail from day one, but the leader, my mentor, looked so hopeful at the idea. I couldn't bring myself to shut down their attempt. I did feel bad when I saw them at the next Gathering still mourning my death, but they perked up when they saw me again."

Tallstar then put in his question. "This curse you bear, it must have traumatized you when it first happened."

Snakepaw gave a firm nod in response. "Yeah. The first time was definitely the most terrifying. There I was with my first friends. The being who granted us our immortality loomed over us. I bore witness as one of them was turned into a beast. The other, well, he didn't change visually, but I could just tell death could never sink its claws into him. He'd continue to age but never die. As part of our trials for the being, one of us had to be poisoned by a rather insidious plant. I didn't know the agony it would bring me. The plant caused my body to reject all food and made it so I'd never stop bleeding if cut. Why would I do such a thing, you may ask. The answer is simply that I was the most expendable. I had a heart murmur and my body couldn't control its own temperature. I was already carried around by my friend who became the beast since I'd never have the endurance to handle the journey myself. We couldn't afford another cat to be in poor condition, so I underwent the that trial instead of my friends. I knew I was going to die when we met the being. I didn't want to die, so I made my wish. I simply didn't want to die. I wanted to keep going, keep learning. It interpreted my response and granted my wish in a way. I didn't stay dead. Coming back is not a pleasant experience. I felt all those moments where the poison ate my body all over again except in reverse. I awoke back with… The name doesn't translate well, but it loosely translates to The Gathering. I'll call them the Ancients to make things easy. Anyways, I witnessed when my friends returned, except the one turned to a beast was quickly driven away. The other, he somehow figured out I was me. The being explained to him my new nature after I died. Thankfully, he took the time to stay with me while I had a panic attack for a few days. I'd already experienced death and resurrection once. I didn't want to feel it again, especially so soon without ever growing up. Unfortunately, as is my nature, nothing could prevent the inevitable. I died. After a few more lives, I got used to it and fell into a state of apathy. I got better eventually thanks to… A not a very nice cat but certainly an amazing friend."

Deadfoot decided to cut right to the point and handle his suspicions. "You've lived a long time, and you claim to have done many drastic things. I do not trust you. Someone who has lived that long must see us as nothing more than ants. Afterall, nothing we could do would ever really kill you. Now tell me, what kind of monster are you?"

Fireheart couldn't help but raise his fur in aggression. How dare someone accuse his friend of such monstrous deeds! Tallstar let out an aggressive hiss as well. "Deadfoot!" He growled.

Snakepaw spoke up before this could break out into an argument or a fight. "No. He's right to be suspicious of me. I have done horrible, unforgivable things. Please understand that I was desperate at the time. I will not deny that it was wrong. I've done everything in my power to make up for it, but I know that nothing will ever equate to what I did. Let… Let me tell you the story of the one who broke my apathy. This is the story of Snowtuft. I'd been just reborn into Shadowclan after I let myself get hit on a Thunderpath. The only thing in my apathy that I truly did was quantify my misery. Then, my mentor found me. He saw something in me. He knew that I was miserable, and not in a way so easily healed by words. He took me out to a training clearing and demanded a fight. My heart wasn't in it, but he just kept pressing me, demanding I do more, act more. Finally, in a bit of frustration, I lashed out, leaving a long scratch notching his ear and training down to his stomach. Red stained his immaculate white coat. I didn't know what was happening, but his face had this small smile. He got right up next to me and whispered, 'didn't that feel good?' I'm going to be honest. It did. It didn't just feel good. It felt real, like I'd been padding through a dream for so long and just woke up. The apathy wanted to return, but I knew how to fight it now in this twisted way. Snowtuft woke me up and offered me freedom. At first, we just did little things. We'd purposefully leave lasting scars on our clan's enemies. It slowly escalated when I crippled some cat. I'd cut through one of the tendons on their leg. I'd done permanent harm, and it made me feel like I actually existed. Eventually, crippling wasn't enough. Snowtuft and I snuck out one night and killed a rogue while they slept. I wanted more, and Snowtuft obliged. Killing turned to torture. We'd done so much evil that our only option was to run away from the clans. Eventually, I felt my time was running out. I could feel my next cycle coming. Once again, Snowtuft tried to save me in the only way he knew how. If I couldn't ever truly die forever, the next best option was to kill my mind. He wanted to give me freedom. I knew it hurt him when he tore my claws from my paws, when he flayed my fur from my flesh, when he made me scream in pain until I confused pain for ecstasy. As I bled out, he took his own life to join me. It didn't work. Dying healed it all, including my mind. All that pain I caused didn't free me. I realized I hadn't made a meaningful difference. Instead, I'd just denied others the chance to. It took another life for me to simply get over the grief. When I eventually saw kits who were old enough to be Snowtuft's, I had a revelation. I could change things, and not just in a murderous way. I could teach. I could save lives. Dying couldn't compare to what Snowtuft did to me, another thing I have to thank him for. I became the sacrifice, the one to leave behind to allow others to escape, the one to delay for time, the one fall so others would not. I've changed it over time, becoming less reckless. I will always regret dragging Snowtuft onto that dark path. He is the one who saved me and gave me this chance to become a better cat. I'll never forgive myself for getting him damned to the Darkforest. He deserved so much better."

Tears leaked from Snakepaw's eyes at the retelling of that story. His voice was choked with sobs as he neared its end. Snakepaw was far too emotional at this point to answer any further questions, not that anyone wanted to force any more of them upon the crying apprentice. Deadfoot, while his suspicions were confirmed, he now knew the extent of his claim. He saw the cat who sat before him, crying over a friend long lost. This cat wasn't a monster like he once thought. He was just a fallible cat who made a terrible mistake. Bound to be an eternal kit, Snakepaw would never reach the age where one mellows out, forever bound by the youthful state of and desiring, the ultimate blessing and curse. Deadfoot could not maintain his venom towards the apprentice Tallstar was now curled around. All kits make mistakes. It's just that Snakepaw has had far too long to make them.