Connecticut. December, 1974.
"Archer, Archer!" exclaimed Addison excitedly, racing down the hallway to her brother's room.
"I can't right now, Addie," the boy replied, as he traced the edge of the bed's headboard with a toy car. It was his older brother's favorite pastime; he used any surface in the house as a racetrack for his miniature cars.
"But it's almost time! You're gonna miss the most important meteor shower of the year!"
"There will be others; they're all the same," he replied disinterestedly.
"In fact, no. The Geminid meteor shower is unique. Unlike many other meteor showers that are caused by comets, the Geminids are caused by the Earth's passage through the remnants of the asteroid 3200 Phaethon. It's the shower that produces the most bright and colorful shooting stars!"
"Wow, how interesting. I'm impressed."
"Archer, please, come with me! I'll only be able to see them tonight, and then I'll have to wait until next December 13th! I can't wait a whole year more, please."
"I don't want to, Addison. It's December; it's cold in the garden. Why don't you watch them from your balcony?"
"Because it's not the same! The trees block the sky; I won't be able to see them well. I have to go to the garden!"
"Well, then go alone."
"I don't wanna go alone! It scares me."
"You're seven years old; you can't be afraid to go out into your own garden. What do you think, that Bigfoot will kidnap you in the dark? You're so unbearable he'll return you in a couple of hours."
"Archie… please. The next meteor shower will be the Perseids next August! I can't wait that long; I need to see them urgently."
"Ask Bizzy to come with you."
"Oh, come on! Bizzy won't want to!"
"And neither do I."
"Please! I'm begging you on my knees!"
"No."
"I have to make a special wish to the stars, please."
"No, stop bothering me and grow up already. Shooting stars are chunks of rock; they won't grant you a wish."
"They're not just chunks of rock! They're made of ice, iron, magnesium, calcium, and dust. And depending on the elements in their composition, that's the color they'll be."
"Whatever."
"Archer, please!"
"Go to sleep, Addison. It's late."
The little girl sighed in frustration and ran out of her brother's room with tears in her eyes that she refused to let fall. She didn't understand why sometimes he could be her favorite person on Earth, while other times, he turned into the king of idiots. There was no middle ground with him.
As the time for the cosmic event approached, Addison felt more and more anxious. She looked out her bedroom window, and although the leaves of the large trees covered much of the sky, she could see the first stars appearing in the night sky. They were beautiful.
The excitement of witnessing the most important meteor shower of the year grew within her, along with the frustration of not being able to share that moment with her brother, just because he didn't feel like it. She hadn't felt like riding her bike downhill through the vineyard hills last month, but she did it because he wanted to. She did it because she wanted to spend time with her brother, even though it ended with both her knees scraped. Or when last week they hid in the barn, under the horses' hay, just so their nanny wouldn't find them when she went to bathe. Or when they stole the liqueur chocolates that Captain had brought from Switzerland. She did it just to have fun with him. And now he couldn't just move his stupid butt and come to the garden with her to watch the stars?
She decided she wouldn't let this situation ruin her night. She put on her coat, grabbed a blanket, and stepped into the garden amid the darkness. She sat in a garden chair, wrapped in the blanket, and stared up at the sky.
Addison marveled at the bright, colorful shooting stars streaking across the sky. Each time a shooting star crossed the night sky, she closed her eyes and silently made a wish. It was a magical moment that filled her with a sense of peace and wonder. Even though she was alone, she felt grateful to witness such an impressive display.
Meanwhile, inside the house, Archer continued playing with his toy cars in his room. Despite being focused on his game, something inside him felt uneasy. He remembered the sad face of his sister when she left his room, the tears she held back and her pouty lips on the verge of breaking. He felt a deep sense of regret that he couldn't ignore, no matter how hard he tried. Despite his indifferent attitude, he knew how important it was for Addison to see the meteor shower. For some strange reason, his sister had been obsessed with stars ever since Captain had given her an astronomy book.
After a few minutes of reflection, Archer set aside his toy cars and left his room, not even bothering to grab a jacket. He headed to the garden, where he found Addison sitting, admiring the shooting stars. He quietly sat down beside her without saying a word. Addison was surprised to see her brother next to her, but she didn't say anything, even though she was bursting with joy internally to have him beside her. They both simply enjoyed the celestial spectacle together.
~•~
A few days after the therapy session, Addison and Derek followed the therapist's advice and focused on finding an object that would symbolize Lucca. It wasn't an easy task, as no object seemed to convince her.
Candles? Yes, they were the most symbolic light source used during mourning, but they were too common, too general. Candles were used for everything. To blow out on birthdays, to provide light when there was no electricity, to accompany masses, to scent a room, to decorate the bathroom, to adorn a romantic table. Lucca couldn't be represented by something as common as a candle.
Lighting an incense? No. Addison hated those things. She couldn't stand the smoke they produced, and her eyes always got irritated. Moreover, she could swear that the smoke got stuck in her throat, and she could taste the smell for hours. Her son couldn't be represented by burning incense.
Flowers? No. Not at all. For Addison, that was out of the question; flowers reminded her of funerals or Bizzy's charity galas. Or of the cryptic conversations in her family's WASP culture. They were plants that had been cut, dying only to become mere decorations. Placing a bouquet of flowers was not an option either.
Planting a tree? Yes, it was a noble gesture for the environment, and watching it grow in the garden would always remind them of their son. It symbolized life and growth. But it wasn't original or unique, and they didn't even have ashes to bury or scatter in the air or water.
They had no tangible objects at all. And that was the hardest part. There were no photos, no clothes, no personal items of the baby. There was nothing. So how were they supposed to hold the farewell ceremony?
"Addison, you have to choose something. We've been at this for four days," Derek complained, sitting on the living room couch.
"It's difficult, Derek. I can't find a perfect object that symbolizes him."
"And will you ever find one? I mean, all you do is point out the negatives of everything I suggest."
"I don't know... maybe a mushroom risotto?"
"What?"
"Or pickles with Nutella?"
"What are you talking about?"
"They were cravings I had when I was pregnant... I guess he liked them. We could put a bowl of risotto."
"Are you serious? At what ceremony do they serve rice?"
"Well, actually, rice is a symbolic object too. At weddings, it's thrown at the newlyweds to wish them prosperity and good wishes..."
"We're not gonna use rice. Rice cannot symbolize the baby."
"I want something that I want! Something that I tell myself I need" Olive sang loudly in the playroom, "Something that I want!"
"At least rice is something personal; it's not a random object you decide to assign to the baby. It makes much more sense to me to place a bowl of risotto rather than a bouquet of lilies you buy at the flower shop."
"And what do you propose we do with the rice? Bury it? Throw it into the woods?"
"I don't know..."
"I want something I want! Something I tell myself I need!" Olive continued singing, "I need everything I see!"
"Instead of Olive, we should've named her Rapunzel," Derek said, making an effort to contain his laughter at the sight of his wife, who didn't seem to find it funny at all. Their daughter always sang the entire setlist from Tangled.
Addison sighed and got up from the sofa. She walked into the next room where her daughters were watching Tangled for the umpteenth time. Olive was in her Rapunzel costume, bouncing around, while Arleth sat on the carpet, holding a stuffed chameleon in her little hands.
"Watching a new movie?" Derek asked, entering the room behind Addison.
"Dad! Did you come to watch it with us?"
"I feel like at this point in my life, I could act it out myself since I know all the lines and songs from seeing it so many times."
"It's my favorite movie," the little girl laughed.
"We know, Ols. We know. And by the looks of it, your sister likes it too."
"I taught her to dance to the songs!"
"Really?"
"Look! Arley, let's dance!" she exclaimed, raising her arms and waving her hands.
Arleth began to laugh and mimic, as best as she could, the movements her older sister was making. With her little arms raised, the baby waved her hands enthusiastically, as if greeting an imaginary audience. Her eyes sparkled with joy as she moved her head from side to side, following the rhythm of the music.
With every note, the baby clapped her hands against the floor and moved her little legs as if marking the beat. Her contagious laughter filled the room while she continued to sway to the music. Addison couldn't help but laugh at the sight of her baby moving with such happiness.
"Mama!" Arleth exclaimed, extending her little arms toward her to be picked up.
"Instead of an object, we could have a dance," Derek suggested, looking at Addison.
She shook her head and sat on the carpet, positioning the baby between her legs. Derek sat down beside her as well.
"I was joking," he said.
"I know."
"We'll find the perfect object."
"We're never going to have a perfect object because we never had anything from him," she whispered, while adjusting the little ponytail in Arleth's hair.
"But we can decide what object symbolizes him. We humans give symbolic value to an object. Objects themselves are empty... they serve as empty boxes for us to place our desires, our expectations, fears, frustrations..."
"I already know how the system of projection and introjection works, Derek."
"Well... then choose something. Anything. If you want rice, we'll do rice. We can keep it in a little box and bury it."
She shook her head.
"Didn't you want it to be the risotto? We can do it, Addie. It's not conventional, but we can do it."
"The rice doesn't mean what he was. He was a little light; rice isn't light... rice is... rice. It doesn't represent him."
"The only things that provide light are a candle or a lantern, and you already discarded both options. I don't know what else can represent light if it's not those."
"What if we use a floating lantern?" Olive suggested. She was listening to the movie with one ear and to her parents' conversation with the other. Even if she didn't quite grasp what they were talking about, she wanted to help.
"What is that?" Addison asked.
"They're the floating lights that Rapunzel's parents released into the sky on her birthday to find her. When they go high up, they become little points of light and mix with the stars."
Addison and Derek looked at each other and broke into wide smiles.
~•~
New York. April, 1990.
It was a clear night in Central Park. A cool breeze gently flowed through the branches of the trees, and the moon shone high above, illuminating the night sky. It was a new and different kind of date.
Addison had prepared a small picnic with a few bottles of wine, fruits, and chocolates. They spread a blanket on the grass and sat together, enjoying the beautiful night and the scenery around them.
That week had been exam week at medical school, and finally, after several months of intensive studying, they had a moment to relax and enjoy. They needed it. They needed to be alone, in silence, at peace, enjoying each other's company.
"You think there's extraterrestrial life?" Addison asked, snuggled against Derek's chest, looking up at the stars.
"I don't know... it would be rather selfish to say no, wouldn't it?"
"I don't know if selfish is the right term," Addison laughed.
"Well, believing that humans are the only ones in the universe is... it's kind of selfish. It is."
"I guess."
"So... I suppose there must be life beyond our planet. What do you think?"
"I don't know... I hope there is. It'd be a bit disappointing that, with the vastness of the universe, there was nothing else out there..."
"Yeah..."
"Whenever I look at the stars, I think about that. If the Sun, which is a star, is the source of energy that keeps us alive... then the other stars, of which there are infinite, could do the same. There could be more civilizations orbiting around the stars we see... but, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that there are, in fact, we haven't found any yet... but... do you understand what I mean? The possibility is there. If there's a star, a sun, there's light, heat, and oxygen... obviously, I know that it takes much more than that for life to be possible, but... God, I feel like I'm getting tangled up here. Do you understand where I'm going?"
"Yes, I get it. It makes sense. With the number of stars there are, there should be many civilizations out there."
"Exactly."
Addison took a deep breath and clung even tighter to Derek's chest, starting to feel cold after a while.
"Isn't it amazing how we see tiny dots in the sky, but in reality, they are enormous balls of gas and plasma light-years away? The diameter of the Sun is approximately 1,400,000 km... can you grasp the enormity of that?" she asked.
"Honestly, no. It's too much."
"And it's not even one of the largest stars. There are some like Canis Majoris, which is 1,400 times bigger than our sun... or UY Scuti with a radius 1,700 times greater. To put it another way, the volume of almost 5 billion suns could fit inside..."
"It's crazy."
"I know. It makes me think about how insignificant we are... if a star, the size of more than 1,400,000 km in radius, looks like a tiny dot... what does that leave us? Literally, we're nothing in the universe, and at the same time, we're everything... In our short stay in this universe, there are so many things we will never know... sometimes it messes with my head to think about that."
"About how ephemeral life is?"
"Yes, that too. The universe has existed for about 13.7 billion years... the average lifespan of a human in the United States is about 75 years. The comparison is ridiculous, I know... but doesn't it make you uneasy to think about that? The sun, the stars, the planets... have been here for millions of years, even before the first human was born. And they will be here for many more years after our death. They'll be with us our whole life, but we won't get to witness even 1% of their life. We'll be born, grow up, have our problems and challenges, we'll have children, our children will have children, and their children too... and eventually, we will all die. And what will that be for the universe? Nothing. There are orbits of meteors that last longer than ten human generations."
"It feels almost absurd if you think about it," Derek chuckled a little.
"I think about the thousands of things we won't see, so many that we won't know. So many questions that will never be answered... sometimes that stresses me out. The infinity of the universe and the finitude of human life. So much enormity, so much cosmic perfection, so much mystery, so few answers... I wish I could know everything."
Derek fell silent and after a few minutes of reflection, replied.
"I don't know if I'd wanna know everything..."
"Why? Does it scare you?"
"A little. Quite a bit, actually. Maybe it's too much information for the human mind, for our understanding. How could I go on living normally after knowing the origin and purpose of the universe? Or the purpose of human life?"
"I don't know."
"I could end up overwhelmed for life. That's why I think that... we're here to witness what we have to witness and to enjoy it. I don't know as much about the stars and the cosmos as you do, but I like to admire it in silence. I enjoy having this time with you, asking these existential questions, I like listening to you philosophize and question things... I enjoy this. I find uncertainty amusing. I don't know if I'd trade it for knowing the absolute truth. What would be the point of my life afterward?"
Silence enveloped them, but it was not uncomfortable. They cuddled together under the blanket, savoring every moment of that starry night while reflecting on what they had talked about. They admired and marveled at each other's thoughts, which were often very different but interesting at the same time.
"A shooting star!" Addison exclaimed, sitting up quickly.
"Make a wish, hurry!"
Addison closed her eyes for a few seconds, and with an unforgettable smile on her face, made a wish.
"What did you wish for?" he asked once she opened her eyes again.
"If I tell you, it won't come true," she laughed.
"Well, luckily I can tell you mine because it already came true."
"So fast? What did you wish for?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
"To see you smile."
~•~
The floating lantern was the perfect object for Addison. It was everything she wanted and needed: a light that rose to the sky and got lost among the stars. Because she felt that her baby had been that: a little light.
Once the girls fell asleep, Addison took Arleth's baby call and went out with Derek to begin the farewell ceremony.
They needed to do it. Beyond the therapist's recommendation, they wanted to do it themselves. They needed to honor their child's short life and give it a formal closure. It was a symbolic act, both were aware of that, but they needed it to be able to move forward.
They walked together through the woods in silence until they found a clear spot away from the trees, to let the lantern go. Addison held Derek's hand tightly and took a deep breath before saying the goodbye words their therapist had recommended.
"Fly high, Lucca. Travel through space and play among the stars… go explore the universe… you were with me for such a short time, but I didn't need more to love you with all my heart. Someday, I hope that in many years, we will meet again and I'll give you the hug I couldn't give you here. I wish so much I could've done it… I love you, my love… you know? I love you and I will always love you."
Addison gave a little kiss to the floating lantern and hugged it tightly, as if it truly were her baby. Derek watched her with a heavy heart, knowing she was trying to be strong and face the moment, but inside she was suffering. He knew her so well that he could even feel the same tightness in his chest that she felt.
"Derek?" she turned to see him, her eyes glistening.
"I'm here, honey."
"Are you gonna say something?" she asked in a faint voice.
"Oh… yes… I'm sorry. I…" he began scratching his head, a clear act of nervousness, "well, I didn't have a connection as deep as Mom did, but I can assure you that I love you very much, little one. I love you… I wish I could've known you… Your sister Olive likes to think that people's souls go to heaven after they have been on Earth… and today I think she's right. Wherever you go, I hope you know that your family loves you very much and one day we will all be together again… fly high, Lucca. The sky receives a new star today."
Addison broke into tears upon hearing Derek's words. She knew he wasn't a very spiritual or religious person, yet he was doing this for her and for their child. Because even though he hadn't seen even an ultrasound of him, Derek loved him. Of course he did, and of course they shared the same pain.
He wrapped her in his arms and held her tightly. He took her hand in his and, looking at the starry sky, they let the floating lantern go.
They stood in silence watching it rise and rise until it disappeared into the darkness of the forest. Addison closed her eyes as tears rolled down her face, feeling Derek's comforting embrace. There was a sense of peace in the air, as if the universe was acknowledging their pain and sending them comfort.
Derek gently stroked her hair and whispered in her ear several times that he loved her. That simple phrase unleashed a whirlwind of emotions in Addison. She clung to Derek more tightly, her heart full of gratitude for having him by her side at that moment. Days and weeks had passed since her world crumbled with the loss of their child, but in that instant, she felt that a ray of hope was illuminating her darkness.
The floating light, which had been released to the sky, seemed to dance in the air, taking with it their wishes and deepest longings. It gave them the feeling that their child was at peace, watching over them from somewhere beyond their reach.
Derek squeezed her hand tenderly and looked into her eyes, with an expression full of love and understanding.
"I'm so proud of you. For taking this step, for achieving this closure. For giving your all every day to be a better person and a better mom. Your kids hit the lottery with you. I know you think you're weak and a disaster. But that's not true. Only a person with a huge heart like yours can rise, gather strength, and rebuild against all odds, just to make their loved ones happy. You are the most important pillar of this family, Addie. Are you aware of the great value you have? You're the light of my life, and Olive's, Arleth's, and even Amelia's. I promise I will do everything possible to ensure your light never goes out, okay? I love you, Addie. We all love you and want to see you well. All I want is to see you smile again."
Derek's words resonated in her heart, melting the barriers she had built to protect herself from pain. She felt vulnerable, but for once, she didn't care. She knew that her strength didn't lie in hiding her emotions, but in allowing herself to feel and heal.
The sky was dotted with stars, shining much brighter than any other night. In that moment, Addison realized that her baby would always be present in her heart, shining like a guiding star on her path. The floating lantern faded into the distance, but its glow remained etched in her memory forever.
Together, they got up from the ground and walked back home, with a renewed sense of hope and love. They knew the road would still be difficult, but with each other's support and the unconditional love they shared, they could overcome any challenge life presented them.