"Okay. So..." Lucifer took a deep breath. He had not been expecting Adam to have such an... intense reaction to hiring a handyman. Honestly? He had thought his plan was rather flawless. He did, legitimately put an ad out. But he knew his citizens well enough to know that only Michael would actually obey the instructions to stay on the path. Especially when there was a massive, gaping, fucking hole in the wall tempting the Hellions to walk straight on into the most exclusive home in all of Hell. What he had not predicted, however, was Adam freaking the fuck out over the alleged random new hire. He figured Adam would be indifferent. "I know it sounds crazy, but I promise you there's a method to my madness."
"Is the method to fucking die?" Adam looked at him, expression deadpan. "Or is it for me to die? Because, historically you have not had the best interactions with Michael. And, while he loved and adored me in Heaven, last time we met he tried to cut me open. Remember? I mean, how could you? It was only FUCKING YESTERDAY! Maybe it's just blurry for you because you were tired and recovering, and it wasn't your fucking chest he was trying to splay open with the giant flaming sword of doom." Lucifer allowed him to vent. From Adam's perspective, this all probably sounded batshit insane. Lucifer knew the whole story and it still seemed batshit insane to him.
"No. But I can see where you're coming from. Also..." Lucifer paused, giving Adam a side-eye, "Michael adored you in Heaven? Really? You sure about that, jackass?" Michael had... appreciated Adam while in Eden, but adored was a strong word.
"Oh, yeah. He was all over me in Heaven. Probably in love with me. Not that I blame him. We had a real `will-they-won't-they` vibe."
"...right." Lucifer didn't believe that one bit. Michael didn't like anyone. But Adam was an unreliable narrator both due to the Corruption and his absolutely massive ego. (Lucifer had no idea what that was like because his ego was always backed up by his immense, unstoppable power. Adam's was just a big mouth running wild.)
"But now he is pissed."
"Well, the Exterminations happened behind his back, I can see why he might be mad."
"I had nothing to do with that! I thought the order came from him!" Adam insisted. Lucifer frowned, he knew the Exterminations were a touchy subject for Adam, and the First Man was already stressed and on edge. Still... Lucifer was inclined to believe him. Adam, the Adam he knew in Eden at least, would not have forged Michael's signature. (Nor could he without burning where he stood.) Adam talked a big game, but at the end of the day when it came to the rules of Heaven, he was like an elderly dog: all bark and no bite.
"Look, it's fine. Michael is going to be on his best behavior. He promised. And you know angels can't break promises."
"He's gonna try to kill me."
"No, he's not." Lucifer moved his wrist fluidly in the air and the chain of Adam's contract appeared in his grip, the collar visible around Adam's neck. He pulled, and Adam stumbled forward. "You're under my protection, remember?" Adam's eyes widened for a moment and he cleared his throat, pushing himself away.
"You with your missing leg, half-hand, and no powers. God, I feel so fucking safe."
"Don't make fun of my half-hand." Lucifer made sure to hold it up in Adam's face. "I still have more power in my little re-growing claws than you have in your whole pathetic body."
"I could punt you."
"You really couldn't. You would explode if you tried." Lucifer smirked. Adam squinted at him before refocusing on the hand.
"Wait... your hand." Adam made a move as if to grab for Lucifer, but the Devil pulled his hand back before he could be touched.
"What about it?"
"Your fingers..." Adam pointed and Lucifer looked down to see one of his clawed fingers had completely grown back.
"Holy fuck..." Lucifer knew it hadn't looked like this before he had gone to sleep. Whatever the fuck Raphael's healing spell had done had worked wonders on his recovery, but apparently it required sleep to fully take effect. The Devil pulled the blanket off his leg and looked down to see it had grown back all the way to his knee. He spread out his wings to see they too had made some real progress. There were feathers starting to grow as well as the bones and muscle starting to regenerate. Damn. Raph really outdid himself.
"What's with your wings?" Adam was giving him a once over.
"They're re-growing. That's what happens when they get destroyed. Not the first time." Though the last time Lucifer's wings had to regrow, they came back smaller and in red and white.
"I know that, dumbass." Adam reached over and put his stupid white hand in Lucifer's re-growing plumage. It was still quite tender from the damage and regrowth, so Lucifer tried to swat his hand away. "I mean this." Adam's hand lifted up a golden feather poking out from the red regrowth.
"... huh..." Lucifer craned his neck, before just giving up and letting his head spin one hundred and eighty degrees so he could look at his own back. There were a few gold feathers sticking out from the red, but only in the re-growing wings. Well, that was annoying. He wasn't trying for a new look. "Side effects from the Holy Water." It figured drinking that sacred poison was going to cause lasting effects. But Lucifer didn't think it would change his perfect appearance. He was going to have to lecture Raphael about this on his next visit because this needed to be fixed. He had an image to maintain after all. His head snapped back as he saw Adam looking rather disturbed. "What?"
"I hate it when you do the head thing, and you know that."
"It's fine, you're fine."
"No, it's fucking gross. AND your wings look stupid."
"No one asked you."
"But your wings look like shit anyway." Adam gave a shrug. "So, I doubt the feathers are the worst thing happening here. You clearly don't care about the subtle nuances of wing care." He spread his own wings out. "Like I do~"
"Your wings don't count. The black one isn't even real."
"It's real you just can't touch it." Adam flapped his wings as if proving a point, but Lucifer could tell the black wing stirred up no wind.
"It's purely aesthetic. Lots of Sinners have aesthetic wings. So, you're not alone. Flying is really more for Hellborns."
"Eh, who needs flying?" Adam crossed his arms over his chest, his wings retracted back, and Lucifer couldn't help but feel that the First Man might miss being able to soar the skies. (He couldn't blame him; flying was such a freeing experience. Lucifer had missed it too, greatly, after Michael had sliced his wings off. When they had finally grown back, the Devil swore to never be grounded again. And that had been successful until just recently.) "I have my badass mirror powers."
"Your movement within the mirrors is... annoying." It was impressive is what it was, but Lucifer wasn't about to admit that to Adam's face. There was something about the Original Humans that made them more powerful in his domain. Even Cain was a step above a normal Sinner.
"Amazing. You mean amazing."
"I did not."
Knock
Knock
Knock
Adam practically jumped out of his own skin as there was a gentle tapping on Lucifer's bedroom door. Lucifer could guess who was outside without even opening it. Lysander didn't knock, and Syn really more threw herself into doors, so the knocking was much louder and less rhythmic.
"You gonna be okay?" The Devil looked at Adam, trying to decide if he was mentally able to handle a visitor, but he seemed coherent for now. It might be best to go ahead and let the two talk. Maybe if Michael could explain that he didn't want to skewer Adam alive, the First Man would be able to calm down.
"I'm fine. I'm literally not scared of anything. Especially not your bitch-ass brother. It'll just be super awkward for you once you see how in love with me he is."
"I think the only way Michael wants to pound you: is with his fists, and maybe the hilt of his sword. I dunno. I'm not the warrior angel."
"You say that now, but you'll see." Adam crossed his arms over his chest, looking like he was in full fight-or-flight. Lucifer shrugged and wheeled himself to the door, opening it up.
"Virgil, come in."
"Thank you, your majesty." Michael's 'Virgil-voice' was very quiet, bordering on monotone. It wasn't how Michael talked at all in Lucifer's experience, so at least his brother was putting some effort into his disguise (even if the face was a little much). "I just wanted you to know that I was able to fix the horse-shaped hole in the window." Lucifer could see Michael was eyeing Adam, even without his stupid halos showing. The eyeless sockets were no more difficult to read than the monochromatic eyes of the Archangels. "Was there... anything else you needed urgently?" Lucifer rolled his own eyes (which actually had sclera and pupils unlike the stupid angel eyes) as he closed the door behind the Handyman.
"You can drop the act, Michael. I told him."
"You did?" Immediately the monotone voice switched into a tone of surprise, filled with emotions. There was the swift sound of wind and Michael was back to looking like himself. Adam was slowly inching away from him, standing so Lucifer was between them. "Are you certain that was a good idea?" The Devil kept his expression deadpan.
"He was flipping his shit, Michael."
"I did notice an unusual amount of..." Michael vanished, reappearing directly behind Adam, aggression in the hallway."
"Nope!" Adam jumped away from Michael and plunged himself back under Lucifer's bed again. Michael, surprisingly, looked amused by the whole interaction. Angels were a unique breed, in that they were shapeshifters, and their emotions could sometimes influence their external appearance. Lucifer was reminded of this very fact as he saw Michael's teeth looked a little shaper, something that would happen when he was feeling either angry or playful. It had been difficult to determine which emotion it was in this particular incident. After all, Adam had invoked Michael's wrath the last time they had interacted. But when Lucifer saw Michael chuckle, he realized his brother was just fucking with Adam.
"Real mature, Michael. Don't scare him."
"I wasn't scared!" Adam protested from under the bed. "I just dropped my contact lens." Adam didn't wear contacts, but Lucifer supposed he wouldn't bring that up. Michael probably knew, anyway. (He'd let Adam maintain the illusion of dignity.)
"Not very angelic of you." Lucifer shot Michael a look and all the eyes in the halos closed as Michael tilted his head to the side.
"I was just serving up some justice~"
"Justice?" Lucifer raised an eyebrow.
"Adam tried to poison me." Michael's eyes all opened again. He still didn't sound really mad. Lucifer had to assume it wasn't a very good attempt.
"It's Hell. This won't be the first attempt on your life. But unlike Heaven, you'll see the attempts coming a mile away. Not that anyone would try to kill you in Heaven," Lucifer didn't feel like enlightening Adam on the whole situation with Pentious. "But my point still stands." He heard Adam scoff from his safe-spot under the bed.
"No one is dumb enough to try to kill The Archangel Michael anyway."
"Yes, but apparently they are willing to try and kill Virgil the Handyman." Michael's halos glanced down at Adam. "But I'm not even upset. I, honestly, take it as a compliment." He returned his gaze to Lucifer, looking rather pleased. "See? I told you I could be a convincing demon." Lucifer leaned back in his chair, folding his arms.
"You convinced Adam. That's not impressive."
"And Lysander and Syn. I'm not... sure about Quackers. I didn't push my luck. Can I ask about him while I'm here or-"
"No, please don't." Lucifer had to cut Michael off before the questions turned from mocking Adam to an unwelcome evaluation of Lucifer's mental state. Michael would ask those questions eventually but the longer Lucifer was able to put them off, the better. "Lysander and Syn are probably just being nice. We know you're a shit liar."
"My lying is not the best, I'll admit." Stupid fucking Michael. Admitting any kind of shortcoming in Hell was a weakness in and of itself. But Michael couldn't help himself. At least, Lucifer assumed he couldn't. Where Lucifer once served as the Virtue of Charity, Michael was the Virtue of Humility which Lucifer assumed was solely for Heaven to rub in his face how much better his younger clone was than the Fallen Morningstar. "But this isn't lying it's acting! That makes a huge difference." It made sense, in Heaven's weird, roundabout way. But Lucifer wasn't admitting it.
"Michael, that's stupid."
"You can think that all you want, but it works. Plus? I'm not hurting anyone! In fact, I'm helping! AND it's Hell. So, the rules can be a little laxer." Michael insisted. Lucifer had really only interacted with Michael a minimal amount since they had... split ways, so to speak. And he had been more than fine to keep it that way, but desperate times called for desperate measures. And what was more desperate than inviting the two people who wanted you dead the most to live under one roof? The Horsemen had better be on their way to tell Lucifer the Apocalypse had moved back thanks to his selfless, brave, and heroic actions, or the Devil would kick these fuckers all out. He was lucky that Adam and Michael weren't conspiring to plot his downfall. (Fortunately, it seemed Adam was too scared of Michael to formulate any long-term plans for conquest.)
"Matter of opinion." Adam remarked from beneath the bed. "He fixed the hole and that made Lysander sad. So really, is he helping?"
"If there is something you would like to say to me, Adam," Michael squatted down so he could look under the bed where Adam was hiding, "you could come out and say it." Michael was smiling, his tone was gentle, and Lucifer was genuinely unsure if the Archangel knew how threatening he was coming across.
"Nope, I'm good down here. Still looking for my contact lens." Adam gave him a thumbs up before retreating further.
"Need some help finding it?" Michael offered. There was a flash of light as the area beneath the bed illuminated with flickering, blue light as Michael held his flaming sword in hand, pointing it beneath the bed toward Adam who scooted back even farther.
"Michael!" Lucifer narrowed his eyes.
"I thought he could use some light; it's dark under there. Must make finding a contact lens quite difficult." Michael's halos looked back toward him.
"Adam, get out from under my bed. Michael isn't going to hurt you. He can't." Lucifer held up his pinky finger and a blue ribbon appeared that linked his pinky to the pinky on Michael's left hand. "I told you: He promised." An Angel's promise was just as binding, if not more so, than a Devil's deal. The promise had been made over text, so Lucifer had been a little surprised that it was just as binding as making it in person, but that was just another layer of Heaven's bullshit. Adam tentatively peeked out from under the bed as the ribbon shimmered into view.
"I wasn't scared. I just found my contact."
"You should probably clean it before you put it back in your eye." Michael remarked helpfully as the ribbon vanished once again.
"I will." Adam hadn't even bothered pretending to hold a contact lens as he shoved his hands in his pockets. "So, quick question-"
"No." Lucifer knew where this was going.
"But like..." Adam completely ignored the refusal. "I thought you were still team: Fuck off Michael. You know, because of all the stabbing and wing-ripping. So, when did we decided to have him move in with us?"
"We didn't decide anything because you have no fucking say in this household." Lucifer corrected. "But haven't you heard the saying: keep your friends close and your enemies closer? This is purely tactical." Michael frowned.
"I'm your enemy!?"
"You did cut my wings off." Lucifer looked at the sword and back at Michael. He wasn't sure what his former brother had been expecting. He wasn't about to divulge the truth in front of Adam. That would guarantee a freak out that would put all of Adam's progress at risk. Michael flicked his wrist and the sword vanished into nothing.
"That was once. I wouldn't have called us enemies even then. We're more like... dynamic foils! Two brothers having a disagreement."
"I'm not your brother, you're my copy." Lucifer reminded him a little coldly. "And we are one hundred percent enemies."
"Awww." Michael's shoulders drooped.
"And you're sure he can't hurt me." Adam was still near the bed.
"Positive. Unless he goes for an emotional attack, in which case: if you get dissed by fucking Michael I will have no choice but to laugh at you." Lucifer leaned back in the chair so he could keep an eye on Adam.
"Goddamnit. This just means I have another fucking vegetarian to cook for." Adam made a grand gesture of rolling his eyes- or well eye.
"You used to cook vegetarian friendly meals all the time in Heaven. Though, I haven't had the opportunity to partake in many centuries. I must say your cooking hasn't lost its touch." Adam leaned down, behind Lucifer, getting close to where his ear would be if he were a human, whispering far too loudly.
"Told you your brother was into me."
"What?" Michael blinked.
"So, then who ate your bacon from breakfast this morning?" Adam straightened back up, changing the subject.
"Lysander. I'll admit, I knew War had a son, but I hadn't met him until now." Michael replied, letting Adam's prior comment drop. Lucifer was a little annoyed that Michael had just instantly known who Lysander's father was. But Michael was just Little-Mister-Perfect, so it made sense.
"No wonder Lysander likes you. He'd like Cthulhu too if he offered him bacon." Lucifer purposefully left off the fact that Lysander found Michael's Fallen form to be at all attractive. He would also attribute that to the bacon.
"I don't think Cthulhu eats bacon." Michael looked contemplative for a moment. "He might. I've never asked him." Lucifer couldn't help but stare at the Leader of Heaven's legions, with a look of absolute disbelief on his face.
"God, you are such an idiot."
"That's hurtful." Michael replied, putting a hand over his chest. Now that Lucifer knew the whole story, it was easy to tell Michael was injured from the way that he moved. It still felt... foreign to have him here in Lucifer's own house. It was like living with the Boogeyman. He had been building up Michael in his head for so long as this... monster, that having him close by felt unreal. Then again, he could say the same for Adam, and Lucifer had gradually become accustomed to the First Man's constant presence in his life.
"You'll get used to it. It's Hell everyone is out here to hurt you, emotionally, physically, it doesn't matter. You best get numb to it now."
"Just because everyone else is being mean doesn't mean you have to do it." Michael was practically lecturing him and Lucifer was filled with regret at ever having let him move in. (The Apocalypse was suddenly feeling like the easier consequence to deal with.)
"Fucking owned." Adam snorted. Lucifer gave him an annoyed look.
"Whose side are you on, jackass?"
"What?" Adam looked appalled by the snide question. "I enjoy your suffering. Is that so wrong?" Michael looked a little... wary, and Lucifer decided not to let Adam try his luck. Michael had never broken a promise before, but knowing Michael was Corrupted made him equally unpredictable. Lucifer didn't have the power nor the desire to break up a fight between the two. (Fight may have been a strong word, but it sounded better than: evisceration of Adam.)
"Don't you have something to be cooking?" Lucifer would just dismiss Adam for now. The Devil could deal with Adam, and he could deal with Michael. He could not deal with two of them. He was already at his limit for bullshit.
"Shit!" Adam looked at the clock. "Quackers is gonna be pissed if I leave him waiting. He's been excited about this casserole all fucking week. We had to postpone it once already because you randomly decided to fuck up my cooking schedule by ordering takeout."
"You're welcome for that, by the way." Lucifer gave him an annoyed look.
"Don't be bitchy with me, take it up with Quackers. He fucking hates you. Not that I blame him, but... you know." Adam feigned offense and it was not at all convincing.
"You're dismissed, Adam." Lucifer spoke a little more firmly. Adam seemed to get the message as he headed toward the door.
"Fuck off, I was leaving anyway." Adam opened the door, before turning around and extending both his middle fingers out and sticking out his stupid, two-toned tongue. "Get shit on." And with that, he closed the door behind him. Michael, who had been watching the whole exchange quietly, finally spoke up as Adam took his leave.
"How long has he been acting like that?"
"Like... what?" Lucifer let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Obnoxious? Terrible? As the bane of my very existence? You knew him in Eden, this is nothing new." Again, Michael was quiet, but Lucifer could see the halos looking him over.
"You knew him in Eden as well, and that is not how he acted. It certainly isn't how he behaved in Heaven the last time I saw him."
"I dunno, seems pretty on brand to me." Lucifer didn't really like to think about the old Adam. Those days were in the past and bringing them up now was going to do no good for anyone. Michael was probably just being too nice. Angels were a forgiving lot toward anyone except Lucifer.
"I'm surprised the Corruption wasn't caught sooner with his terrible behavior. Then again, if it was subtle over a period of time..." Michael sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "And I guess it's not like we had any reason to be looking for the symptoms. Plus, a lot of Raphael's highest-ranking Seraphim were out with us- except for Florence, but I'm not sure where she's gone off to."
"You don't know? That's not like you." Angels weren't exactly something easy to lose like one's car keys or faith in humanity. They were all connected. It gave Heaven a sense of unity. Lucifer himself had not been in that psychic link for some time. (The absolute isolation he felt when he had first been cut from Heaven hurt more than the physical pain of losing his wings. A part of him was secretly glad to see that Michael had been evicted as well. Maybe now that holier-than-thou asshole could have some understanding of the pain he had inflicted on the angel he had once called brother.)
"Well, I'm not connected to everyone right now." Michael reminded him. Michael was Corrupted. Heaven wouldn't want to risk that shit spreading and psychic channels were like gasoline for the fire. "But Raphael can't seem to find her either. I hope nothing happened to her. She was supposed to head the hospital while Raph was gone."
"I'm sure she's fine." Lucifer was unamused by the idea of angels going missing. Angels didn't exactly vanish off the face of existence. "Maybe she's just mad because you assholes were gone for fucking ever and burdened her with all your bullshit."
"Oh, I hope not."
"Ghosted by your own angels, how far you have fallen."
"I don't think angels are really ghosts since we're not alive in the traditional sense of the word. Lysander and I were honestly discussing this when I fixed the window, and I have some thoughts on the: Are Sinners Ghosts Debate."
"Don't humor him. You're supposed to be the mysterious and elusive Handyman. If you interact with my staff too much, they'll realize you aren't from Hell."
"Aw, I thought I was doing a good job! And I think my persona was stressing Adam out." The eyes in Michael's halos were scanning the room though the eyes on his face maintained a polite eye contact with Lucifer. (He had done this same shit last fucking time he had been graciously invited into Lucifer's space.)
"Well, he knows the truth now."
"I think the truth is stressing him out more."
"He'll be fine. Just stop fucking with him." Lucifer picked up his glass of juice, he would really need to summon Adam to refill it. He took a sip.
"Actually, I have never had intimate relations with Adam."
"MICHAEL!" Lucifer's apple juice ended up sprayed across the opposing wall as the Devil coughed and choked to get his breath back. Was Michael THAT fucking out of date on his lingo? He seemed to have understood every other bitter, angry vulgarity the Devil had spewed from his lips before. Surely, he understood Lucifer's meaning. The coughing subsided. Lucifer took a deep breath, readying himself to explain what he had meant in a very awkward conversation he had no desire to have with a fucking Archangel. He looked up to see Michael, hand over his mouth, clearly laughing. Lucifer's eyes narrowed. "You little shit."
"I probably should have waited until you weren't drinking."
"You THINK!?"
"Sorry." Michael was still laughing to himself as he walked into the bathroom, wetting towels, and coming back out to clean up the juice Lucifer had spit all over his walls. (The walls weren't exactly clean to begin with, Adam hadn't had extended access to this room. The First Man was a god-awful piece of shit, but he was a god-awful piece of shit who cleaned despite his insistence that he didn't. It was why the rest of the mansion was presentable.)
"You can use my hat if you need to vomit."
"What?" Michael gave him a blank look.
"My hat." He gestured to where Adam had left the vomit-filled hat beside his bed. (At least Michael would have the fucking decency to clean it.) "It's already got vomit in it, so like, if you're going to puke, use that."
"Why is there vomit in your hat?"
"Because Adam fucking sucks, okay? What do you want from me?"
"Okay... but why am I vomiting?"
"Because you're doing a good deed." Lucifer had explained this all to Raphael, but apparently the information hadn't made its way to the head honcho. (If Michael was even still considered the leader. Since he was technically benched, it might actually be Gabriel at the moment. And, with Michael being out of the psychic loop, he may not have gotten the information yet.) "When Adam does a good deed, he throws up the Corruption. I think it's making him better..." Lucifer paused for a moment, he didn't want to be too optimistic. (Even if he did believe he was seeing improvements. Adam had gone from the worst thing in existence to mildly tolerable, after all.) "At least... I don't think he's getting any worse."
"I do good deeds all the time. I've never thrown up from doing them." Michael did go pick up the hat from the floor. "Gross."
"Oh... right." That made sense. (Not the part about the hat being gross, though that might be the first point Lucifer and Michael had agreed upon since the Fall). Michael was an Archangel. His entire personality was being a Mister Nice guy who feeds the hungry, helps the needy, and loves doing good deeds. As if proving the point, Michael snapped his fingers and holy fire cleansed the black bile from within the hat.
"Sorry, I wish it were that easy." Michael handed the hat back to Lucifer who snatched it back, looking it over. "But we are two different species. Corruption is such an unusual affliction, anyway. It affects everyone so differently."
"Is that why you can still use your powers?" Not that Michael seemed to have the best control. Lucifer wasn't stupid. In fact, he prided himself on his attention to detail. (Well, he prided himself on a lot of things actually, but his astute observation skills were currently the most relevant.) The sword randomly appearing, the way rooms plummeted to unlivable temperatures: that was Michael's control slipping. The Archangel might try to laugh it off, but Lucifer could tell it was making him uneasy. "Because that's bullshit."
"I wasn't a Shoggoth's chew toy." Michael remarked quickly. "And also, I've been getting regular treatment from Raphael since I got Corrupted. You on the other hand ignored it for... months I'm guessing?" There were other, obvious reasons that Michael had left off to spare Lucifer's ego. 1) Holy water didn't actively hurt Michael. It might be uncomfortable due to the Corruption, but it wasn't like trying to chug acid. And 2) As much as Lucifer HATED to admit it, and he would take this fact to his fucking grave- however close it might be: Michael was stronger. He was Heaven's sword, the leader of the armies, he was made to resist. But that humble fucking sack of dicks would never say as much to Lucifer's face.
"Well, I'm getting better now aren't I?"
"With how powerful you are," of course Michael would feed into Lucifer's ego. From anyone else it felt good, but from Michael it felt like fucking pity, "and how weak the source of the Corruption was, you should actually make a fairly swift recovery!"
"God, I fucking hope so. This holy water bullshit is fucking me over. Look what it's doing to my beautiful wings." Lucifer spread out the re-growing wings so that Michael could see the offending golden feathers. Michael's halos, which had been staring at something on Lucifer's dresser, flickered to look at the wings before returning their gaze quickly to whatever the fuck had gotten his attention. At least Michael's face was still looking at him.
"Side effects are to be expected."
"What are you staring at?"
"Nothing!" Michael's eyes all returned to Lucifer.
"You have been distracted the entire time you've been in my room."
"Threat assessment." Michael was still a shitty liar. Corruption was going to have hard work ahead if it was going to turn Michael into one of the soulless, shambling husks (not to be confused with Husk the nice bartender at his daughter's hotel) that eldritch magic often left in its wake. Lucifer met Michael's gaze head on, trying to look him in all of his eyes without having to bring out all of his own eyes. (He wasn't sure if shapeshifting would set back his recovery at all. It wasn't technically magic as it was just a biological part of Lucifer, but at the same time it still took energy and he didn't want to push his luck. Plus, with body parts missing his eyes might all get crammed too close together and that always made his vision get weird.)
"My dresser is a threat?"
"Nope! I have assessed it, and all is well." Slowly, one by one, Michael's eyes started drifting back to look at the same spot on the fucking dresser. "But actually, since I have your attention, I want to talk to you about some of my concerns."
"Of fucking course." Lucifer put his elbow on the arm of the chair, resting his cheek in his hand. He should have let Michael stay distracted.
"I just have some general safety concerns-"
"Oh no! Is Hell not safe!?" Lucifer pretended to swoon, arching his back, hand to his forehead as he leaned over the other arm of his chair. "Someone, please, tell the Sinners! You might have to piece some of them back together first."
"I feel like you're not taking this seriously." A pair of blue glasses appeared over the eyes on Michael's face and a tablet appeared in his hand.
"Don't tell me you think the acid rain might be causing problems for hell too!? The children just love the losing limbs when they jump in the puddles!"
"Shoggoths got into Hell, Lucifer." It was clear that Michael wasn't amused by Lucifer's antics, and that was fine. He was trying to be frustrating. He had let Michael live in his home out of the goodness of his black heart, but that didn't undo all the years of hatred he had been building in their time apart. "That shouldn't happen."
"Corruption got into Heaven, so I don't really think you have a leg to stand on here." Lucifer replied curtly. The eyes in Michael's halos glanced down at the missing leg and Michael opened his mouth. "DON'T." Lucifer pointed at him and Michael returned his gaze to his list.
"Our defenses were down. I don't know for how long, but we have it under investigation. But Hell's barrier has become weak. Gabriel gave me an analysis and I think we have some serious concerns when it comes to the state-"
"First of all, you don't just analyze a man's barrier without asking. It's rude." The situation was serious, but Lucifer couldn't help but feel a bit like he was under attack. "And secondly, what the actual fuck do you expect me to do about it?" He made a grand gesture at his mauled body. "I'm not exactly at my peak."
"I understand that, but I could easily have Uriel help you reestablish a barrier. We don't need anything else slipping in. Which reminds me, we need to run tests on the soil around the mansion to make sure it can't spread the Corruption. I can probably add that to my list."
"List?"
"My to do list!" Michael flipped the tablet so that Lucifer could see the screen. Lucifer used his claw to start scrolling.
And scrolling.
And scrolling.
"Jesus fuck, Michael, how long have you been working on this thing?"
"This is just since I arrived."
"... wow." Lucifer looked Michael up and down before returning his gaze to the list and continuing to scroll. A part of him felt the strong desire to shove Michael in a locker for being a total fucking tool. But he had no lockers nearby. "I feel like we are going to have to set some ground rules."
"We already did." Michael held up his pinky and the ribbon materialized again. "I'm not allowed to question, harm, or antagonize Adam. Which, I wouldn't antagonize him anyway. That's just mean." Lucifer snapped and it vanished.
"You tried to skewer him."
"No, I didn't. I just wanted to talk."
"I don't want you getting involved with Hell." Lucifer had to let the whole incident with Adam go. The sword was probably unintentional and he had more urgent matters at the moment. "I don't even want you leaving the house without me."
"Why? I don't think the Sinners present any real danger to me-"
"You're not accustomed to the culture. One of two things will happen if you go out. Either the Sinners will hurt your feelings and you'll cry like a little bitch, or they'll piss you off, and I'll be having to put together what's left of my empire after you go all biblical on it. Plus, you are like the least convincing Hellion I have seen in my billions of years of existence. I have puppets that fit in better than you do."
"I don't think you're giving me enough credit-"
"Say fuck." Lucifer cut him off. Michael opened his mouth for a moment, then closed it again. "You just proved my point."
"I am convincing enough."
"You're not. So, whatever you have on this list, it better be on the premises, like: …" The Devil glanced at the tablet in his hand reading over the current part of the massive list. "... buy Charlie a birthday present?" His gaze went back to Michael.
"I just thought it might be a nice gesture."
"Next rule," Lucifer took a deep breath, "stay the fuck away from my daughter. She is not your niece. I have spent too much of my time teaching her that Heaven is a cold, unfeeling, deceitful entity for you to sweep in and undo all my hard work." Heaven had hurt him more than anyone could ever know. All he wanted was to protect his daughter, his light, from being strung along and crushed the same way he had been. She was so good, so earnest that the idea of Heaven smothering all that joy and hope from her the way they had done to him- the thought terrified him.
"I just thought this might be a chance for me to get to know her-"
"Off the table."
"But she must be concerned about everything going on with the Shoggoths, Hell, Corruption. I could help educate her on-"
"Go near my daughter on your own and I am ending this agreement." Lucifer held firm. He too, had fallen for Michael's act when he was younger. He didn't want his daughter to end up on the business end of a flaming sword.
"What if she comes to me?"
"Let me handle that." The fact that that Charlie would absolutely seek Michael out, had already been proven. (Though, hopefully, she had learned her lesson about crossing into dangerous territory.) Lucifer couldn't hold Michael responsible for Charlie's actions. (Or, well, he could but the Charlie might get upset.)
"So then... what am I allowed to do?"
"Stay in your room away from everyone unless I need you to fix my shit. Once I am better, I can fix the barrier, test the ground, and..." he looked at the list again, "interview the residents? Michael, you are terrible with the humans."
"I have gotten better." That much seemed to be true, at least, since Lysander and Syn hadn't come to him in a blind panic. Michael could be a little intense. But, perhaps, the years had taught him that coming out, multiple eyes blazing, flaming sword in hand, and shouting: 'Be not afraid' often times had the opposite effect on people.
"I don't care. The citizens of Hell aren't going to tell you shit. Or they'll tell you bullshit, which will just slow your investigation down. Plus, it's a waste since, aside from the Shoggoths- which I had no way of controlling or predicting-"
"I mean there were definitely things that could have been done-"
"That I had no way," Lucifer reiterated, a bit more intensely, eyes narrowing at Michael, "of controlling or predicting."
"Nothing could be done." Michael nodded, though Lucifer could tell he was inwardly cringing. (Though he was unclear as to why as that was definitely not a lie and Lucifer was blameless.)
"The only new case of Corruption is my maid and/or chef. And I have had a close eye on him since he fell on his face and ruined my peaceful fucking existence. He's like a leech, attached to me and draining every fucking ounce of patience I have ever had, or ever will have."
"Leeches drain blood, act-"
"It was a simile!" Lucifer threw the blanket from his lap into Michael's face. It would have been a lot more satisfying of a gesture if Michael didn't catch it, fold it, and place it gently back on Lucifer's lap. The Devil let out a huge sigh. "The point is that aside from my daughter's hotel staff who got mauled, I have had a pretty close eye on this... mostly." There was the matter of Vox.
"Mostly?" The eyes in Michael's halos refocused back on Lucifer, narrowing along with the large blue eyes on his face.
"That's none of your fucking business, you nosey little shit." Lucifer took a claw and scrolled through the list again. "You have more important things to worry about like," he looked at one of the billion things Michael had written for himself to do. "Deal with whatever is haunting the west wing." He looked back up at Michael. "Don't fucking tell me you believe Lysander's rant."
"Ah, no. It's got nothing to do with him. I just couldn't think of a better word for it. This list was really more just for me."
"The West Wing is off limits."
"But if there is something in there that needs to be dealt with then I will have to go inside." Michael didn't seem to understand how much Lucifer hated the idea of the Archangel of Judgement pawing through all the shit he had collected over the years. "I'm worried we might have missed something when we were cleaning all the Shoggoth damage. That whole ordeal was pretty hectic, what with the damage and the part where you kicked us all out before we could do a thorough cleansing. But I'm here now. That's what's important."
"If there is something down there, I'll be the one to take care of it."
"I don't mean to question you, because I know I'm your guest-"
"Employee."
"That too." Michael wasn't nearly as annoyed with Lucifer's correction as the Devil had been hoping. "But if something is amiss- and there definitely is something in that West Wing, I can sense it- then wouldn't the responsible thing be to deal with it as soon as possible? Corruption can spread from objects just as easily as it can with sentient beings! Best nip that in the bud early, right?" It was times like this that Lucifer questioned if this entire Corruption ordeal was just another layer of his eternal damnation. Because what could be worse than being trapped with Michael (and Adam, but Adam wasn't currently here to worsen the situation), and the Archangel of bitchness having an actual, valid point. This all felt like some set up for Lucifer to learn an overarching lesson that he was bound to hate. (Probably something about the power of love. It was always some love conquers all bullshit when it came to Heaven.)
"You know what? Fine. We can go in the West Wing. But I don't want you touching anything. You'll probably bless it. And you have done more than enough of that."
"Sorry again about all the doors, and the floor." Michael looked a little sheepish as Lucifer glowered at him.
"And the lawn."
"The lawn was on purpose. Both to protect you, and to hopefully slow, if not completely stop, Corruption from spreading underground."
"Michael, lots of people have caught on fire due to my lawn being hallowed."
"Yes, but it kept you safe while there was a massive hole in your wall so I stand by my actions. I left a caution sign. I think it got stolen, but I couldn't bring a new one because I was kicked out."
"You thought a caution sign was going to work?"
"I was optimistic."
"You were stupid." Lucifer moved the chair toward the door. Michael refocused his attention entirely back on the Devil before him. In the blink of an eye, he switched back into his Virgil form. (Had to make himself taller in that form, what an absolute fucking prick.)
"I did my best given the situation." Michael held the door open for him as Lucifer headed out into the hallway. He didn't sense anything amiss, but in all fairness, his senses were weakened by his lack of power. With any luck, Raphael's blessing has put him on the fast track to recovery so he could be less reliant on Michael to find anything out of place. He got downstairs to see Syn with an apple on her head and Lysander with his gun out.
"Do I even want to know?" Lucifer put his face in his hands. He couldn't leave these fuckers alone for any amount of time.
"I am an important part of training!"
"Adam and I are having a friendly competition." Lysander explained gesturing to one of Charlie's old painting easels that Lucifer had put away in a storage closet, that had been dragged out and was now holding score cards. "Not to brag but," Lysander leaned as if whispering in Michael's ear, "I'm currently winning."
"I only have one eye, you have three!" Adam protested. "That's such an unfair advantage and you know it!" Lucifer looked at the wall to see splatters of various fruits adoring it. There also seemed to be a few holes that hadn't been there before. He took a deep breath analyzing all of his life choices that had brought him to this point.
"Don't... don't do this shit. You'll hit Syn."
"She's bulletproof." Adam waved his concern away.
"No." Lucifer's facial expressions remained unimpressed. "No, she's not. Did she tell you that?" Syn did like to just say things she thought would make people happy, whether they were true or not. (And Adam was right, she had been on a lying kick as of late.)
"Yes, I am!"
"Honey... No, you're not."
"Actually boss," Lysander looked a little unsure, "she totally is. We've- well mostly Adam- have nicked her a few times with the bullets and they bounce right off of her. Gotta watch for that ricochet though, it'll nail ya if you're not careful. Want a go, Virgil?" He offered the gun to Michael, who held up his hand in a polite refusal.
"No thank you."
"Did you really accidentally shoot Syn!?" Lucifer whirled around to face Adam.
"Depth perception is hard! And she's totally fine!" Adam gestured to Syn who popped the apple up in the air and did a little flip, trying to catch it again, but failing as the apple fell on the floor.
"The bullets tickle!"
"Huh..." Lucifer really didn't recall making Syn bulletproof, but he was glad he had the foresight to do so because apparently, he was living with idiots. "I need Virgil to help me fix something in the West Wing. I want the rest of you to stay here and try not to fucking break anything."
"Virgil gets to go to the West Wing?" Lysander looked a little surprised, if not a little offended and disappointed.
"Only to fix this one thing. Then he's never allowed back in. He'll also be forbidden from touching anything, and he'll be wearing a blindfold." Lucifer explained trying to rationalize bringing his brand-new employee into a space that he had kept secret for so long.
"What?" Michael raised an eyebrow at him.
"How's he supposed to fix something blindfolded?" Lysander looked mostly perplexed. Adam stood so that the Hellborn was between Michael and himself.
"Well, he'll figure it out or he's fired. Now try not to burn anything down while I'm distracted." Lucifer started to wheel toward the long, winding hall that was primarily untouched for years. Michael followed behind him as they headed further and further away until Lysander, Syn and Adam were out of sight. "So where is this... haunting, anyway?" There were lots of rooms in this particular wing. It housed Lucifer's most impressive and dangerous inventions and collectibles. Of course, Michael would be too much of a perfect little Golden Boy to understand all the artistry that went into such things, so he was probably just going to silently judge Lucifer while they figured out what the Shoggoths had damaged. Lucifer didn't think they had made it this far in, but fuck if he could remember. Gabriel had swept him up so goddamn fast that he barely knew what was going on until he had Raphael in his face lecturing him about the proper way to handle a Shoggoth.
"I can't tell you precisely. But it's somewhere around here." Michael walked down the hall, hands behind his back, looking at each of the closed doors. "I sense something, but it's very faint." He put his hand to the door where Lucifer had been storing the Heaven phone. "Not here."
"You might just be feeling the general misery of Hell, you know." Lucifer followed Michael as he continued down the hall. Angels were empaths to an almost absurd extent. Michael could have been mistaking generalized misery for Corruption. How good were his magic identification skills anyway? Probably shitty because of his own Corruption.
"No, I'm not." Michael drew closer to the hidden room where the Infernal Eye was tucked away. He put his hand to another door. "Nope." He kept walking deeper into the hall. Lucifer had not been in this hallway when he wasn't actively rushing, and now that he was taking his time, something did feel a little... off. The air was a little too chilly, his mouth felt uncomfortably dry, and he felt a level of anxiousness that seemed higher than it should. (Maybe Michael just had that effect on him.) Michael moved closer and closer to the secret room at the end of the hall. He put his hand on the last door and stopped, his hand jerking back as if he had been struck. "Found it."
"Here?" Lucifer almost let out a sigh of relief as they stopped right before the hidden room at the end of the hallway. The last room on the left. Michael turned the knob. The door didn't budge. "It's locked." Lucifer didn't want to risk anyone sneaking into his private collections so the doors typically only opened for himself and Lilith. He put his hand on the handle and it turned obediently under his touch. The door itself resisted opening. The metal of the handle tingled under his grip. He started to miss the gloves he always wore.
"Need a hand?" Michael was watching him struggle, which only added to Lucifer's irritation. The room on the other side was an old library. Nothing in there but old texts and tomes he had written in his heyday. There should be nothing blocking the door from opening. (Unless one of the shelves had somehow fallen to block it, but that didn't make a whole lot of sense.) Lucifer put his strength into it. Fuck it. If the door broke, Michael would fix it.
"I don't need your he-" Lucifer managed to get the door open a crack and instantly he felt worse. It was hard to explain, his head spun, his heart raced, and for a moment he was struck with a crippling feeling of complete hopelessness. It felt like the day he Fell all over again. "Fuck..." His hand fell from the doorknob and went, instinctively to the side of his head. His vision started to blur, the edges looking like bits of burning film.
"Well, that's not good." If Michael was feeling as badly as Lucifer was, he didn't show it. But Virgil's face was made to be void of emotion.
"You fucking think!?" Lucifer held his head. Michael grabbed the handles on the wheelchair, slowly pulling him back. "DON'T fucking TOUCH ME." The words were already out of his mouth before he even realized what he was saying.
"Your emotions are valid. I understand why you might be upset. But I am also going to ignore your request for safety reasons." Michael's pep-talk was heavily undercut by the fact that he immediately reached a hand into Lucifer's personal space tracing his finger in a strange pattern on the back of the Devil's hand. Immediately, Lucifer felt angry, there was a burning, stinging pain where Michael touched and then suddenly, relief washed over him. That horrible, empty feeling subsided. He looked at the back of his hand as his vision slowly cleared and he could see a protective sigil. In fact, it was specifically the sigil of the Archangel Michael. No wonder it had hurt, it was holy magic. Lucifer was still upset, but now he was more embarrassed than raging.
"You can't just ignore direct orders like that. I'm your King while you're down here." Lucifer could have thanked Michael, but that wasn't going to happen. He had too much to be angry about in the past to let this singular, helpful action outweigh it. Plus, he was letting Michael live in his house, that was thanks enough.
"Noted."
"And that sigil fucking hurts."
"I'm sorry."
"Good." Lucifer started forcing the door open the rest of the way. Michael put his hand on the door to help, and before Lucifer could swat it away, the door had been forced all the way open. Michael stepped in ahead of him (which was rude) and his sword appeared in his hand. He held it up over his head, illuminating the old library. There was a sort of void-like, inky substance that looked as if it had exploded all over the far wall. Most of the books on that side were completely covered in it, the door had been sealed shut with the stuff.
"What were you keeping in here?" Michael looked back at him.
"Just some old tomes. Nothing that should have done this." For once in his life, the Devil was being completely truthful. Whatever was spreading onto his books had not been something he had brought in or created. Michael held his sword close to the substance it almost seemed to give off its own otherworldly light, but aside from that, and the sacred flame of Michael's sword no light was in the room, not even the light from the hall seemed to dare shine within the walls. The substance seemed to be pulsing, feeding on Lucifer's hand-crafted magic texts.
"Why didn't we feel it until we opened the door...?"
"This room is warded." Lucifer held up his hand to reveal the old magic he had cast when the West Wing was first built. Wards were an ancient magic, used to keeping things out or in. They were used mostly for protective reasons. Lucifer used them to keep everyone in Hell with any sort of sixth sense from sensing his shit. It would make them curious and curiosity killed more than just the cat. He had powerful wards on only two other rooms in the house: his bedroom, and Charlie's room. He could ward the whole goddamn house but at the time it seemed like a waste as the process was both time consuming and draining. He looked at the glowing symbols on the walls from his own magic cast long ago. The burning crimson emblems looked... worse for ware, especially the one on the far wall. Parts of the symbol seemed to have been completely consumed.
"Hmm." Michael was looking at that same emblem. "Well, that's not ideal, is it?" That was the underreaction of the century. Michael shed his Virgil form; his halos looking over at Lucifer. "What's in the room behind this wall?"
"What... room behind the wall?"
"The one you have sealed behind the magic door at the end of the hall. I mean, it was a pretty door-looking wall what with all the gold decorations. I assume it's something super-duper important or you wouldn't have put all those fun little security measures in place." He looked back at the substance on the wall. "Also, the Corruption very much would like to get in there. So, I assume it's something powerful."
"There are a lot of things in that room, if you must know. And those security measures are for keeping creatures like you out."
"I don't suppose you want to be more specific."
"No. No I do not." Lucifer didn't like the idea of Michael getting into his shit. But at the same time... he surveyed the damages this room had already sustained. What had gotten in here and caused all this? HOW could something have slipped in?
"Lu, this is... really not what I was hoping to find when we went in here. But I can't exactly help unless you work with me. And I know you're good at teamwork~"
"I'm really not." Lucifer had to fight with himself on his current situation. On the one hand: His things were beyond destroyed... or... consumed... by some kind of Corruption springing from a source that had slipped in without Lucifer's knowledge. On the other hand... Michael really fucking sucked. Like, a lot. A lot a lot. He took a deep breath. "The Infernal Eye."
"Oh, that's a fun name! What's that?"
"It's a device made to oversee all of Hell. The reach is... unmatched."
"... Well, mashed potatoes." Michael's absolutely pathetic attempt at swearing did little to reassure Lucifer that he had made the right choice in opening up. "That would certainly cause a pickle if it got Corrupted. We'll probably need to check on it once we deal with this first." Michael pulled out his phone.
"Deal with this, how?" Lucifer tensed.
"This is all going to have to be destroyed."
"Fuck no!"
"Look, I understand that this isn't your preferred outcome, but the Corruption in here is... quite a bit higher than is acceptable. The acceptable level, of course, being no Corruption at all." Michael's reply made Lucifer even more angry.
"I worked HARD on these books Michael! You can't just come in here and destroy my shit!" Back in his early days as the Devil, Lucifer had taken the time to explore Infernal magic, learning everything he could about it, about its limitations and effects, and then he stretched those limits until they could be stretched no further. Now those divine assholes just wanted to storm his sanctuary and toss away centuries of tedious work like they didn't even matter!
"They are already destroyed." Michael's reply did nothing to make him feel better. "But I'm going to call Uri. If anyone can preserve something from these books, it'll be her. Then you won't have to rewrite them from scratch."
"I don't want to rewrite them at all!" Lucifer tried to snatch the phone out of Michael's grip and in an instant, he felt the room's temperature plummet.
"Lucifer!" Michael's voice tore through the room as if it were nothing. All the eyes in his halos were narrowed, staring directly at him. For a moment, Lucifer felt like he was stood outside the gates of Heaven once again, with those eyes of blue, boring into him, judging his every transgression. Lucifer backed away, nearly falling out of his chair. The temperature immediately started to rise again and Michael cleared his throat. "I'm sorry. I really am." His voice was back to normal. "But this is such a danger to everyone in Hell... to you..." He sounded sincere, but it was also hard to believe he cared after being on the receiving end of his Righteous Fury. "I'm sure we can save most of the important information."
"You are in my domain Michael. You do not get to make the decisions." Lucifer hoped his voice sounded firmer than he felt. This was just a reminder as to why this was such a bad idea, keeping Michael around him. No one could make The Devil feel so small and fragile as the Archangel Michael. And the worse Lucifer felt, the more he was obligated to lash out so no one would know.
"That is true," Michael did seem to realize he was on remarkably thin ice. "But you can see what course of action we need to take." Lucifer wheeled closer to the wall splattered with that pulsing ooze. As he looked closer, it looked less liquid and more plant-like. It wasn't splattered so much as it was growing, burrowing into the walls, into the texts. Michael was right, whatever books were covered, were completely useless now. He could see the ward flickering, desperately doing its duty to keep the Corruption quarantined to this room. If it had reached the Infernal Eye, the spread would have been so quick, so massive that even if somehow Lucifer joined forces with the Four Fuckfaces who guarded Heaven, they might not have been able to contain it. Had the ward broken while he was back to normal, Lucifer probably would have realized what was happening and stopped it on his own. (Hopefully.) Though had it been severed while he was still in this condition... there was a very real chance the Eye would have been Corrupted. Fuck... so many years of work...
"Call Uriel."
"Thank you."
"But you are not in charge of this clean up, I am." Lucifer had been Michael's boss before, and he knew the blue angel had the ability to listen to instructions. He used to be quite obedient, in fact. Whatever happened to that Michael?
"Uri, hey, it's Mikey." Michael had the phone against the side of his head.
"She knows who you are dumbass, she has caller ID." The snide comments helped Lucifer feel a little bit better about the situation.
"We came across as little hiccup in Lucifer's very nice, super-secret library. If you aren't super busy, we could use your help. Maybe bring the others two if they're free. More hands-on deck is never a bad idea. And we could certainly get this done more quickly!"
"Oh god, don't bring everyone-"
"You're the best Uri! Thank you so much, bye-bye." Michael straight up ignored him as he hung the phone up. "Sorry, you were saying?"
"You know damn well what I was saying." Lucifer's eyes narrowed as he looked Michael up and down, vaguely wondering if throwing him out now would hinder things and doom all of creation (and if Lucifer really cared if it did).
"Wow! This is potent." The door behind them closed, then open as Gabriel popped his head through. The fastest of all the Archangels, Gabriel's travel was almost instantaneous. His glowing white eyes surveyed the damage as Uriel and Raphael followed in behind him. Uriel covered her mouth upon seeing the wall, the Corruption boring its way into the magic tomes and texts.
"Those poor books..." she looked like she might cry.
"We're lucky the wards on this place were so powerful or this could have been much worse." Michael was making Lucifer feel frustrated again. He made it sound like this was somehow Lucifer's fault. But how was the Devil to know that this room had been compromised!? It shouldn't have been possible. The wards that protected the room had done their job too well and Lucifer was completely unaware of what was happening in his own home. Sure, he could have checked on the books. But they were books. It wasn't like they needed constant maintenance. And the Devil had far more important shit on his plate than library maintenance. "... really lucky." The change in Michael's voice garnered Lucifer's attention once again. All of Michael's eyes were staring upward. Lucifer looked up as well to see more of that Eldritch growth splattered on his ceiling. The ward on top was nearly destroyed in its entirety. "Um... Lu, what room is above us?" Lucifer felt his blood run cold, and this time it wasn't Michael's fault. (Not directly, at least, but Lucifer would still be happy to put the blame on him.)
"... my... bedroom."
"Well," Michael's voice seemed to resonate more than it should in the uncomfortable quiet that had settled in the room. "Good thing we are doing this now! That could have put us in quite the doozey to fix!" He put his hands on his hips, eyes refocusing on Lucifer.
"Just... do what you need to do." Lucifer would have argued more, but the image of the nearly destroyed ward on the ceiling was sticking with him. He could have done nothing if it had broken while he was powerless. He didn't want to think about what might have happened to him if the Corruption had reached his bedroom when he was vulnerable- what might have happened to Adam- not that he actually cared all that much, but if Adam got worse then he'd never find out how he got Corrupted in the first place.
"You're looking a lot better." Raphael kneeled in front of Lucifer, examining him carefully. "Have you been getting enough sleep?"
"Oh, plenty. It's easy to sleep in fucking Hell." Lucifer gave him an annoyed look.
"Well, we could take you to Heaven to recover, but I feel like that would just stress you out more." Raphael wasn't at all put off by Lucifer's snide comments. The Devil scoffed.
"Fuck no."
"Then do try and rest more, brother." Raphael stood back up.
"I'm not your fucking brother!" Lucifer wanted to spit at him, but Raphael was currently his doctor, and Lucifer didn't want him to suddenly decide to up his holy water dosage.
"I think I can salvage a lot of these texts, at least, the information from them." Uriel was running back and forth stacking unholy grimoires in her arms and handing them off to Gabriel who would vanish and reappear. She looked at the shelf that had been placed against the wall between the library and the Infernal Eye. "Those... might be lost to us. Do you know what might be in these? Can you rewrite them?" Her hopeful voice made Lucifer sick.
"Oh, yeah, I remember every fucking word of books I wrote hundreds of thousands of years ago. It was like yesterday to me. Thank god one of my unholy powers is book memorization or all those years of hard work would be fucking wasted."
"I will take that as a 'no'." Uriel approached the Devil, kneeling so she could be more level with him. "I can sort through the information from the books we saved, and maybe we could work together to restore what was lost. I have a lot of-"
"Fuck no." He cut her off. He already had to deal with Michael in his house and Raphael letting himself in and out of Hell as he pleased. He was not about to sign up for fucking study parties with Uriel. What was gonna be next? Press conferences with Gabriel?
"Well," Uriel looked a little disappointed, "if you change your mind, you know how to contact me." Lucifer stayed firm.
"I won't."
"We'll need to see how deep this goes, it's probably in our best interest to check the adjacent room as well." Michael stepped in putting a hand on Uriel's shoulder. She nodded to him before going back to collecting books.
"Oh boy, can we?" Lucifer rolled his eyes. He knew this was coming, he might as well get it out of the way. He rolled out of the room with Michael following behind him. He didn't love the idea of leaving the other three unattended in his library, but the image of the Corruption boring into his ceiling, trying to get to him was still fresh in his mind. Lucifer stopped in front of the white, marble wall, he shifted into his more natural form, though the flames that typically formed between his horns... weren't forming. "Well fuck."
"Is something wrong?" Michael looked at the wall, then back at Lucifer.
"My powers..." he made a face. "There is supposed to be fire between my horns, that," he gestured toward the center of the marble wall, "goes there. Then it opens. It's a whole magic thing it's very theatrical, very cool."
"It sounds cool." Michael nodded, his halos glancing back at the door. "Would it work if I shapeshifted into you?"
"No." Lucifer might be able to make it work, but that would involve Michael wearing his face, and he was already too similar for Lucifer's taste.
"Well, I can always just break the wall down-"
"We'll try it." Lucifer put his face in his hands before rolling beside the wall, putting his clawed hand against the wall so the magic would register his unique signature. Michael copied Lucifer's look (somehow making it look fucking lame in the process) and fire appeared between the horns. Lucifer let out an arduous sigh of frustration. "Your fire, Michael." Sure enough, the flames between the horns were a bright blue.
"Oopsie!" Michael remarked in Lucifer's voice as the flames shifted to red. Lucifer tried to focus what little energy he had left, on making sure that door opened. The (now) red flames neared the wall and a pentagram appeared, made from light. The flame moved toward the center settling in, and the wall split open. "Ooooo!" Michael watched immediately popping back into his regular form. "You were right! That was very cool!"
"Shut the fuck up." Lucifer walked into the circular room; all the decorations tossed to the side from his last visit. He held his hand up, and the wards in the room responded to his presence. The symbols were all still intact, though the one on the wall that was shared with the library was noticeably dimmer. Michael walked to that wall, examining it closely.
"Looks like we're in the clear! I don't see a breech! Not for the lack of trying. But these wards did their job!" He laughed, reaching to touch the symbol on the wall. It burned brighter and Michael drew his hand back quickly. "Whoopsie, guess it doesn't like me very much."
"You're a threat." Lucifer had no desire to let the Archangels into his inner sanctum when he put the wards up, and even now he was still far from thrilled about the idea.
"Aww." Michael's shoulders dropped a little. Lucifer ignored him, looking over the room, relief washing over him to replace the dread he has been feeling. The room was still clear of Eldritch magic. That was at least one crisis avoided. Now he only had to worry about literally everything else.
"We're clear here, so you can go now." Lucifer wheeled his way back into the hall, backward, maintaining eye contact with Michael's face the entire time.
"You don't want to show me the Infernal Eye? It sounds so neat!"
"Absolutely not. You'd probably bless it."
"Aww, okay." Michael followed him back out into the hall. He started back toward the other room where Lucifer could see the other Archangels running all over the place, trying to clean the Corruption. God it was a nightmare. He was going to need a fucking drink if he was going to be dealing with all four of them at once.
"I'm going to the kitchen for a second. Don't destroy all my shit while I'm gone."
"What about Quackers?" Michael seemed legitimately concerned.
"How the fuck do you know about Quackers?"
"It was part of the tour, and Adam mentioned him earlier."
"What fucking to- you know what? I don't care. Quackers fucking loves me." He did not, in fact, even like Lucifer and the Devil had no idea as to why. He fucking made Quackers. That robotic asshole should worship the very ground on which he walked. But no. He and Adam had hit it off for some goddamn reason. "I'll be back." He wheeled his way down the hall, into the foyer. The shooting game was no longer going on. Lysander was sitting beside Adam who was looking... distressed. Syn was sitting in his lap glowing different colors.
"Boss!" Lysander instantly looked up. "Glad you're here. Adam had a seizure and he's been actin' a little funny." Fuck. When they opened the door the seal on the room was broken. No wonder Adam was feeling like shit.
"Why didn't you come get me!?" Lucifer pulled Lysander back, away from Adam who did look up at the movement.
"We are not allowed in the West Wing."
"Syn," Lucifer wanted to grab her too, but he didn't feel like putting his hand in biting-range. "You can come get me in an emergency."
"I'm fine." Adam spoke which was relieving, but at the same time Lucifer had been fooled by that once before. "I just didn't want to have to look at your ugly fucking face after a seizure. I suffered enough already." He did sound like himself, but he looked like shit. Or at least, more like shit than he usually did. Lucifer squinted at him, get could see black, corrupted blood staining the white collar of his robes. He must have hurt himself.
"Lysander, can you help me escort Adam to my room?"
"Uh... yeah, sure thing, Boss." It was a weird request out of context, but Lucifer wasn't about to risk getting bit again. Lysander was (hopefully) fast enough to stop Adam from causing any further damage. The bedroom was warded, it should block out the Corruption from the library. (Even Lysander was looking at little drained. It might be for the best to let him stay in the bedroom as well.)
"May I come?"
"Sure, Syn." Lucifer assumed, that being a robot made Syn immune to the effects of the open library. She was probably immune to Corruption in general unless she came into direct contact with something far more powerful than just Adam.
"I am providing a calming atmosphere."
"That's quite helpful thank you." Lucifer kneeled a little closer to Adam. "Can you stand?"
"Yeah." Adam stumbled a bit, but got to his feet. He didn't really protest as he followed Lucifer up the stairs. He looked behind him in the direction of the West Wing, looking rather distracted. For a moment, Lucifer was worried he might fall, or try to flee, but Lysander was directly behind him. Adam turned to look ahead once again and followed Lucifer into his room. Once everyone was inside, Lucifer shut the door. Almost instantly, Adam perked up. "The ringing stopped..." he seemed to be muttering the words to himself, but Lucifer heard him clearly.
"Where are you hurt?" Lucifer pulled Adam aside.
"Do you want us to go now. Or-" Lysander spoke up and Lucifer glanced back over to see Syn settling on top of Lysander's head, still changing colors.
"No. Stay. There are..." Lucifer had to think of something quickly, "dust particles in the air from the construction Virgil is doing for me in the West Wing and I don't want you sneezing all over my very expensive shit. The ventilation is just better in here."
"Bloody dust particles." Lysander shook his head, crossing his arms. "Triggering Syn's allergies." Syn's colors turned into a rainbow for a moment and she did a spin.
"Achoo!"
"Right," Lucifer turned his attention back to Adam, pulling him further away, into the bathroom, leaving the door open just enough to keep an eye on Lysander in case he tried to bolt. He grabbed him under the chin, tilting his head downward to look at him. "So where are you hurt?"
"I just bit my lip." Adam pulled back, swatting his hand away.
"I'll still have Raphael come and look you over." Lucifer left off the fact that Raphael was currently hanging out downstairs participating in just absolutely wrecking Lucifer's library. Adam was already on edge with Michael around, he probably wouldn't be thrilled to know there was an entire goddamned (or God blessed, more like) angelic reunion happening downstairs. "I can't have you going feral and causing me more fucking problems."
"I don't want to talk to Raph."
"Well, neither do I, but we'll both have to deal." Lucifer didn't see any other, overt injuries. Adam seemed to be moving and acting like himself- which wasn't exactly a treat but Lucifer felt relief regardless. "Now, stay up here, entertain Lysander and Syn until we finish downstairs."
"What's going on down there?" Adam would ask.
"Just cleaning out some old magic shit." Lucifer didn't feel like going into detail about all the destruction he was dealing with.
"You ready to kick brother dearest to the curb yet?"
"Oh definitely. But he's still useful right now so we'll just have to buckle down and grit our teeth until I'm fully recovered. Then, he is out on his ass."
"Until then we can totally shit talk him when he's not around, right?"
"Oh abso-fucking-lutely." Lucifer almost laughed at the mental image of he and Adam gossiping like high school girls behind Michael's back. "But he does have enhanced hearing, so just be careful when you're not in this room. Also, is your collar detachable?" Lucifer looked at the black stains making the stiff collar a biohazard.
"Uh... no? Why would it be?" Adam looked concerned.
"Give me your robe then."
"Dude! What the fuck!?"
"Your blood is on it. It's contaminated. I only need the top half of it."
"Are you serious?"
"Yes. Give it to me so I can get it cleaned. I would just burn the spots away, but..." Lucifer trailed off as Adam let out a groan. He reached down and slowly pulled the top half of his robe off over his head leaving him in the long, flowing bottom half.
"Um, Boss man? Syn and I are still here. Just reminding you!" Lysander waved at them from his spot beside the door and Lucifer's face tinted gold as he realized how this might have looked out of context. Adam's face went gold as well.
"There was blood!" Lucifer held the robes up. "I am just taking this robe getting it cleaned from all the blood that was on it since I was already going that direction!"
"Yeah, there was blood on it!" Adam confirmed. "From my lip! Remember? I bit it pretty badly when I was convulsing on the floor?"
"Sure, mate, blood." Lysander gave a thumbs up but Lucifer couldn't help but think he didn't sound convinced. "I remember."
"Are we having a slumber party!?" Syn interrupted and Lucifer had never been gladder to hear from her.
"Yes." Adam jumped on the subject. "Another reason why my shirt is gone.
"You all enjoy the party." Lucifer went back to the door. He wanted to get in and out quickly, both because of the Corruption's effect on Adam and limiting his exposure was going to be the best for everyone. But also, because Lucifer would gladly give up his soul to Cthulhu himself to escape this conversation. He opened the door, wheeling out of it, and closing it again right as he heard Lysander shout something about a pillow-bomb fight. He dreaded the state he would find his room in upon his return as he headed back down the stairs and into the West Wing. Lucifer reached the room to see the first layer of the walls had been removed. They were all fine, save for the wall shared with the Infernal Eye that seemed to be rotting away. Instinctively, he looked up the ceiling was worse.
"We're almost done. I'll fix the damages." Michael was beside him in a flash. "Uri is going to restore the wards until you're ready to reestablish them on your own- um why do you have Adam's shirt on your lap?"
"There's Corrupted blood on it." He threw the robe in Michael's face. Michael caught it, handing it to Gabriel. "Did you guys find the cause?" Lucifer tore his gaze from the ceiling to look back at Michael. The Corruption had to come from somewhere. His grimoires didn't just spontaneously combust into a living, toxic ooze.
"We... did. Yes." Michael's answer didn't leave Lucifer feeling thrilled.
"And...?"
"One of your books was... compromised." Michael opened his palm and one if the books appeared floating above his hand, enclosed in a prison of glowing flame, holy symbols dancing around it. The book was beyond recognition, caked in the thick, viscous sludge. The book was pried open, all the pages had completely disintegrated, turned to a sticky, disgusting gum-like substance. But shockingly, there was a paper bookmark that seemed completely untouched. Lucifer looked closer, even through the layers of magic that surrounded it, Lucifer could hear a faint, ringing in his head as he drew closer to it, the edges of his vision blurred, the sigil on the back of his hand was burning as it tried to stave off the raw, putrid magic trapped in Michael's flame. Lucifer felt his heart drop into his chest as he saw the bits of text on the bookmark. It wasn't a bookmark; it was a tiny piece of a torn page.
"Is... is that?"
"From the Necronomicon. Yes. We'll destroy it in Heaven." Michael lifted his hand and the book vanished, Lucifer instantly felt better. Michael took a deep breath. "Luc, I know... I know you didn't but I still have to ask. Did you-"
"I did not put that shit there. I know better than to deal with that fucking book." Lucifer practically spat the words. The Necronomicon, the accursed text of the Elders, written through the deranged mind of a human they tormented. The only book worse than Lucifer's own creations.
"I believe you." Michael instantly relaxed. "But I feel like that just raises more questions."
"I have a lot of questions as of late." Lucifer looked at the damage. Again, he was struck with how close they had come to an almost real disaster. He looked at the Archangels, hard at work clearing out the mess. He thought about Adam upstairs, how... terrible he had looked when Lucifer saw him. (So bad, the Devil hadn't even gotten to yell at him to bring him fresh wine.) He looked back at the rotting ceiling. What if the Corruption had reached him. What would happen to Hell? What would happen to Charlie? Lucifer took a deep breath, closing his eyes, then opening them once more to look at all four of his former siblings. "And I might need your help to answer them."
A/N: WOHOOOOO! NEW CHAPTER! AND it's on time!? Look at me. Doing my best. Now we finally get the three idiots under one roof. Pour one out for Lysander who is just awkwardly standing in the background of Adam and Lucifer's moment. Also for Syn who is excited for a slumber party at like 4 in the afternoon. Lucifer actually cares about Adam. The proof is here. NOW can he ACTUALLY let his siblings help? Or will his pride fuck him over again?