The Human League - Morale/You've Lost That Love Feeling
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...Knit Knit... Knit... Knit... Knit Knit... Knit... Sniff.
I guess Lennie didn't notice the sound of my feet, as much as she never noticed me when wearing that dragon skin, as cold as I turned out to be without her, this if I had been left alone, but daddy always seemed to be there.
Now he doesn't. Lennie received a message about daddy. It wasn't him who wrote that same message, and how could he, with a wounded arm? Well, look at you, with a wounded heart, and a wounded else. Why only you, if Lennie is by far the one who has more wounds left in this room, this house, this life more than yourself, Jack? And, guess who's the one who left many of these wounds you are now trying to sew with a needle, resulting in more pain than relief?
Well, she noticed I got a cold. Only when I am hurt that Lennie seems to notice me, as much as I do with her as well. Heck, she even keeps standing on that chair, knitting that green piece of cloth, a baby's cloth, or maybe a kid's cloth. Instead of preparing new clothes when my brother grows up, I may share some clothes belonging to my wardrobe, or so Lennie will order me to do.
She always orders me to do things, even when I disagree with them. But, in the garden, I dug the earth on my own, didn't I? Or was it because of Lennie once again? Did she notice me, or did I notice her? I had done that because of me, or because of her? Her? HER? Knit Knit Knit Knit Knit...
...Knit Knit Knit. No, it's just Lennie. You fooled me this time, sure you had. But, this time, it was so real. To think it was all a deception, but that hand and those lips said otherwise. They tried to say, and almost got me into their intentions. Half of me, to be fair. I would say those things in my head before, but now... it's meaningless.
This Lennie... Consider this motherly attitude of yours as a sicky thing too! Though, I somehow would like to share the same disease, to be infected by her warmth instead of my own fever. Sniff... Sniff... Sob.
Sniff... I recall the taste of my tears. Knit Knit... They are salty, as much as I am. Sometimes I do feel salty, like my pee. I can still hear these sticks being hit. Kinda relaxing, yet melancholic. Why is it so hard to tell her, just a word... just a word?
KnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnitKnit... Knit Knit Knit Knit Knit Knit Knit... Knit. My legs kept moving through the nights, restless as the tail of mine. Once again... Knit Knit. What a relief... Knit Knit... Knit. Oh. No, not this kind of relief. Hum, hum hum hum hum... Hum hum hum, hum hum hum hum... Lennie began to hum that song. Burmecia's song. Mother used to hum that same song to me before I fell asleep. I don't know about the lyrics, because I was too young,but still, I remember that same melody. And those hums.
Hum hum hum hum hum hum… Hum hum hum hum hum hum hum hum…
For whom is she humming that? My brother? Yes, that's right. He can't even talk, but at least, he can listen to Lennie, and kick her from inside, unlike me, who kicks her without she notices of such, like my efforts, which only seem to result in more pain, for Lennie, and for me. What a pain that I am. Yet, daddy, and mother...
Sniff. They holded me so carefully. I couldn't even talk, but at least, I could listen, look, touch mother, and that hair, that seems to be falling, being left at the tip of my fingers. I once wished the same hair belonged to my tiny hands, but not these tiny lints at the bottom of my nails.
— Hey, Lennie... – I said abruptly, the first words that came into my mind. I tried to say more, but I couldn't. Sniff. I didn't even say these words while looking at Lennie. Instead, I faced the floor, or somewhere else, other than her. Not that I'm out of ideas, but because I am out of myself.
— What is it, Jack? – She asked. At least, Lennie, besides those ears, turned into my direction, gazing at me, this me, not the one at the window's glass. For some reason, I want to bite my tongue.
No, I can't. If I swallow my tongue... delicious tongue meat. Tongue soup. I like lentils as well. I ate them all, like the carrots, the radishes, even the watercress, with my teeth, as Fratley suggested. He was there, on that table as well, didn't he? I forgot that he was there as well, eating, or more like, drinking that...
— Soup... – I said, not only in my thoughts, but in my own words as well. It seems that I can talk, by now. Let's see... what I had been thinking about a few seconds ago? Oh, that's right – Yes... the soup. You know, Lennie, that was a wonderful soup you have made today. I liked its taste!
I guess I committed a mistake right here. Lennie might be wondering, sitting on that chair, that I'm lying to her. No, I guess I didn't lie. I'm truthful to myself. I ate and I drank that soup, as much as Fratley did the same as well, though he is always hungry.
— Well, that's pretty nice, coming from you. – she said. For some reason, I feel 'taller' as I should be, by listening to Lennie, and those words. But, for another reason, I also feel like a dog, when its owner tells 'good boy' to him, and then, the dog just stands there, eating that raw flesh threw by its owner. – But Jack… You already told me that before.
— Did I? – Sniff. I guess I did. Now... you better came up with something, or else, this conversation is over. And do you want to waste this opportunity, do you? Of course not. Daddy would never lose an opportunity, so do I. – Well, so you know lady, I just came here to say it again, to express how much grateful I do feel regarding the meal I had this day. I do not want you to forget... that… Lennie.
— Lady, huh? Sometimes you drive me up the wall, but you can be gentle too, Jack. And I liked it.
Do you, Lennie? M-M-Mom?...
The words failed with me, as much as I failed with this conversation. Don't forget? Well, look at you, who had forgotten that Lennie is your mom. Don't try to say otherwise, because that's another lie. The truth is that... she is your mom. See it? Can you... see it, Lennie?... Lennie?... Yaaaaaaaaaaaawn...
Sniff. As I left that giant yawn, Lennie lifted from that chair, and walked towards me, until I felt those arms holding my waist. The pain inflicted around her back didn't matter, unlike before, when I didn't need to be holded of this way. I... can't see cle-early because I am... ra-th-er as-le-eee... asleep?
Yawn. Look at her. Look at Lennie. Look at... how much she's blinking those eye-es in t-the dark, anyone can guess she is faaaaah... falling. Yet, she can't fall yet, not even on thy bed, or right now, at this c-o-r-r-i-d-o-r... because of me, 'cause of my brother, beca-ause-e-e of this pain that is me. Sniff.
Word eater... one word, two words, thee words, for words, five word, six words, seven words, eighteen word, ninety word, tenth world, twenty ten words, heaven word, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, five teen, sixteen, seven teens, third, forth, hum dead... yaaawnnnghh. My mouth is dry. There's no spit around my lips.
Sniff. Sniii-i-i-iff. My nose's phlegm seems to be hardening. This sucks, because my nose's holes get clogged up, like my ears. It's like there's a worm stuck in my nose, water inside my ears, and salt inside my throat, or something else that makes water vanish from a cup other than my own throat. Lennie's one, as well.
Looking at that belly, I can guess she drank a lot of water around these days. My brother sure seems that big, yet they all are tiny, alike my fingers. Pinky, alike... my tongue. I don't ate my tongue. What a relief.
So many stretch marks around that belly. There's even one darker gray area, near her navel. Now that Lennie is wearing that dress, unlike any other I usually see her wearing, I can't see them. Or even bother about them. Yet, Lennie keeps holding me like that, as if I am more important than herself. My brother, as well.
Mother... It ain't easy. I don't know. I... I don't know, because I don't want to know. All I want to know are easy answers. Easy answers, for easy questions. Easy love, there's none of that, yet I keep insisting on such. Because... Well, because... I don't know. It's easier to keep saying the same thing. Why did this happen? Well, because 'yes'. Why won't this happen? Well, because 'no'. Who keeps saying 'yes' or 'no' for anything? The easygoing ones. I am not such a thing to be called by easygoing, seeing how much I had been a trouble for them; same can be said about Lennie, and her legs, standing there, below me, like my own legs do when I am on both feet, on my own.
I want to puke right now, but that would mean more trouble for Lennie than being my own kind. Who else to clean the mess about to come out of my throat? Wait... ain't that the same dinner I had with Lennie? No, I can't do that. I really appreciated so much of that dinner, like that lunch, the soup, the meat, the rice, the bread, the oats...
Oats? Do I like them? Not without the milk. I ate so much this day, and I am grateful for that, so I held off what would be a potential throw up, as I ended up engulfing my own puke, bringing the sour down to my throat. Maybe it's because I'm anxious that I wanted to do something, instead of letting Lennie do anything for me, and my sake. But... isn't that what you wanted, or had been awaiting to see?
By cracking a pot, breaking a flower glass, by expressing yourself with the drawings made along this wall, you made daddy, and Lennie as well, do anything for you, even though I didn't want those drawings to disappear from that wall, the same belonging to this corridor. I can't prepare the lunch on my own, though daddy, or Lennie, had done it so for so long, yet even close to this now.
I'm still growing up, awaiting for my legs be as taller as if , someday, I could tell these chairs and their legs to get bent with themselves, thought, by saying or even thinking about this, I may become someone with the few chairs missing, or so I heard Dan saying it, to Fratley. I don't bother losing one of two chairs from a room, if for the sake of mother, or as I call her by Lennie.
Instead of puking, I am breathing with my own mouth. My nose is worthless when on a cold, like my tongue as well. I can't smell, and so, I can't taste the food. To eat, I can do it, without a problem, except the lack of my nose and tongue during meal times. If I smelled that bad, I would rather become scentless like now, and that would happen if Lennie wasn't there, to bathe me, or to do it so when I don't wanna.
The rain is already a bath meant to be taken when you go outside this house, or whatever is the place I am where the ceiling gets soaked instead of me. It's raining outside, as usual, though I may have felt a small drip of water touching upon my nose. Maybe it was my phlegm, once again, or maybe this ceiling needs some repairs.
Even tall like that, Lennie can't reach the top of that thing. She could jump higher than anyone could. After all, she is a Dragoon Knight, or used to be. No, she used to wear that coat, and do those training stuff. When Lennie is about to sleep, she takes out that loop, tied at the back of her hair, like that orange ribbon on that tail, my tail as well, unweaving of that ponytail, same belonging to any mother I saw.
Sniff. I can't feel this nose here, but at least, I can feel these strands falling from her head, and thankfully, most of them are kept on that same head. I hold it tightly as I can, even though those arms are already doing the same to not let me fall into the ground. I pretend to speak, instead of throwing up words from my mouth. I'm sorry, and I miss you.
I'm sorry. Unfortunately, I couldn't say anything, as soon as I came to where I was before. That same door, that same cold knob, that same hand, that same creak, that same room, that same wardrobe, that same mess of bed, where I lay.
I'm sorry, Lennie. Sleep well, she said, as that arm, gray like a stormy cloud, tosses a blanket over me, alike a huge wave from a disturbed sea, and the pillow below my head as as the piece of wood, the remaining debris of a sunken sea, that prevents me from drowning up, except when I submerged on my own wet dreams.
I'm sorry, and I miss you. Lennie. I see her, leaving this room, leaving me, your arm, the arm; my knees, a beeard of beees... My ears, my aarms; your pleas, my fleeeas...
Like a roundabout path... walking in my fooootsteps... A plenty of staaares... Submerging in their prospeects... From miles to yaaards...
Time's a heaaaleeer... Swallowed by the seeeaaa... If the shaadows could march... Cooome in a high tiiide...
My iron tail... My breadcrumb trail... Lay your hands to heaven... Luck for three sevens...
I saw a girl flying throught the skyyy... She was rather shyyy... Throw your shaards...
I'll shieeld you as a kniiight... Years of kniives... A waaste of tiime...
You won't be aloone... Bring the booys back hoome...
You won't turn bluue... Under the crescent moooon...
Peacheees and creaaaam...
A day in the life of a tree...
I'm sorry, I miss you...
— ...Lenneth. Mom… I miss you, mom…