Project Nolan Training Center, Praesidium
6/25/17 - 9:30 AM
I suppose it was only a matter of time before they put me in bigger, more expansive simulations. With the escalation of the war came the escalation of our training, but I didn't expect this much escalation. Today's sim was supposed to be an intense battle of attrition, with the goal of halting an enemy advance while assisting ADVENT forces, and maybe even pushing back the enemy forces.
Considering who I'd be working with today, I had a feeling we could. Pretty much everyone else on the list had battlefield experience, but two names stood out to me. The first being Carmelita Alba, the woman who'd given me such a warm welcome on my first day here. Granted, not like I was super miffed about it or anything now, but I hoped she wouldn't be so cold towards me this time.
Also, the stinger thing. I'd seen her use it against Sierra, and ew. I'd had enough of tentacles here. First the Shoggoths (who were adorable, change my mind), then that weird shit Senorium did back in Vietnam, and the stinger trick Carmelita pulled during the, admittedly fun, arm wrestling match. I wished I could've participated, but let's just say I was outmatched.
But the next person triggered my curiosity even more. The man himself.
Kane McTaggart, the man who literally beat the shit out of an Ethereal and lived to tell the tale.
Well, if he actually told it, of course, I'd heard he wasn't a big talker. Nevertheless, I was more than intrigued to be fighting with him. From what I'd heard, he was damn good To say he was imposing would be an understatement, I mean, the guy was huge. He was slightly taller then Sierra with all her augs, for chrissake.
Ah, well. Better to have him on our side than theirs.
The door opening brought me back to the real world. Carmelita walked in, followed by the rest of our team, which also had two more psions - a telekine by the name of Morita Emio and aegii Taqi al-pour, the psion that'd cut my cake during my birthday celebration, nice person. Kane was last, standing out due to his massive height, but also due to his mind. When I was near him, something just felt...off. I also noticed Zara, the ex-EXALT woman, who was a MELD operator.
Carmelita stared at me. "Oh, it's you." Yeah, it's me. Who else did you think it was?
"Yes. I took your advice the day we met very well. I'm ready for this simulation."
She just looked at me with a stoic face. "I hope Geist and Aegis have been teaching you well."
"They have."
She nodded to the other soldiers, beckoning them to the Orb. "Alright. Today's objective is simple: the battle will be taking place in an urban environment, so be very wary of your surroundings. The enemy is attempting to take an allied goal is to work with the friendly forces to keep the enemy at bay until the time threshold is met, or we deal catastrophic damage to the enemy forces."
I raised my hand and she acknowledged me with a nod. "What kind of forces are we expecting?"
"Mainly ground troops, with some sparse armor here and there. More elite units may show up, such as Sectopods or Executors." She paused, briefly eyeing me. "How good is your telepathy?"
"Pretty good, Overseer. My biopathy takes around seven minutes to work right now, but I can shield some minds and I can issue commands with ease." I tried to sound professional in front of her - she was a veteran soldier, and I wanted to look like I was being serious about the whole thing. Which I was. I think. Could she tell I sounded kind of nervous?
"Good. For this op, you'll be working with Kane and Zara. I'll be taking Taqi and Morita with me - we'll split into two groups this time. Try to divide the enemy force and make them a bit easier to handle. Everyone ready?" We all nodded, and after touching the orb, and one otherworldly transition, we arrived on a ruined city street in our armor and holding our weapons. Our HUDs were turned on, showing a map of the city, along with strategic points, designated in red.
"Kane, Dawn, Zara. You're going to take the bridge south of this position," Carmelita ordered. "You need to keep Collective forces from advancing past your position and onto the highway nearby. You will have generated soldiers nearby that will help you. Battlefield rules apply - they die, they're not coming back. Got it?" We both nodded. Kane was quiet. Had been since the briefing started. She turned to the two psions behind her.
"Taqi, Morita, we'll be taking the highway to the west, covering civilians while they evac. Kill any attacking forces, and give the civvies all the time you can to get the hell out of here. Understood?" They both nodded. "Okay, go!" Our teams split, and I felt the simulation shimmer. Not a moment later, gunfire and explosions shook the city, ringing in my ears.
"Stay behind me, Dawn." Kane said. His voice was...it sounded like someone who had been through a lot of shit. He sounded serious and kind of gritty, with an odd hint of anger, like a stereotypical sergeant from an action movie, and, yet, something felt wrong. Like he'd seen things he shouldn't have seen. Which he had, that much I knew.
I'd heard that his mind was something else. Aegis had briefly brought it up during a training session when discussing controlling minds, but I'd never taken how he described his mind to heart.
Until now.
"Got it." I said.
"Is this your first high-intensity fight on this scale?" He gruffly asked.
"Something like that. Never fought in such a big environment before."
"Okay. Just stick with me and Zara. If you need help, let one of us know. And focus."
"Right-" We were about to turn a corner, when the building near us exploded, sending a shockwave and a wave of debris at us. It nearly knocked me off of my feet, until Kane grabbed my shoulder with an armored hand, keeping me upright.
"Thanks." He nodded. Zara spoke up through the comms.
"Heads up! Enemies down the street!" A large group of Luranian Borelians, towering over groups of Runiararch Vitakara and...ah fuck, Cobrarians. Don't get me wrong, Cobrarians made good allies - I'd seen a few in XCOM, but, on the battlefield, seeing a giant snake charge and hiss at you was just fucking creepy. Not Bringer levels of creepy, but definitely unnerving.
Nothing some good ol' telepathy couldn't take care of, though. I focused on the lumbering Borelians, carrying what looked like heavy weapons. I got in their heads.
Remember what Geist said.
They made this choice.
And choices have consequences.
Take your guns. Aim them at your allies, I command you.
Plasma fire and grenades erupted, along with some kind of rocket launcher, was directed at their fellow soldiers. Vitakarians were riddled with plasma shots, and the Cobrarians were shredded by autocannons and grenades. Their deaths were quick, nearly painless. I made sure to direct them not to fire at us, as some of the Cobrarians had made it through the line of fire and made a beeline for Kane and Zara.
Both of whom took care of the problem in completely different ways.
With a wave of her hand, golden nanites flew through the air, hitting four Cobrarians and going to work, eating through their armor and flesh. I heard their screams as the nanites began to consume them. I felt their screams echo in their minds as they felt the agony of millions of tiny machines devouring them. I sent out a simple command to their minds.
Die. Die in peace. No more pain.
As I felt them drop, I had a quick feeling of relief. Sure, they were the enemy, but if they were going to die, it'd at least be a peaceful one.
Make their deaths quick, if you can. Show mercy, even when killing.
Kane, however, had other ideas.
Three Cobrarian were charging him, guns raised, firing. He blew one of their heads off with his massive ETC gun, but he ran out of ammunition. Rather than reload, he took out his sidearm, firing until the second fell. The third almost got to him and tried to curl around him, but he simply reached out, grabbing the alien by its throat, wrapping his massive hand around her neck. The alien squirmed for a second, before he grabbed his sidearm and shot her once in the head, dropping the body. I stared at him for a moment while he casually picked up and reloaded his gun.
What the hell was that?
He saw me staring, but said nothing, picked up the gun, and followed Zara, which I copied, after hesitating for a second.
Close range? Too close for my liking. I shook it off as I followed the two. Better to focus on the mission right now and think about strategy later.
"Dawn, you sense any enemies nearby?" We were currently running alongside a highway waterfront that would lead us to the bridge. Up in the sky, I saw fighting between some simulated planes and Collective craft. Sectoid, I thought. Well, damn if it didn't look real. T'Leth took no shortcuts when making these sims.
"No, not yet!" I extended my mind, searching for targets. "Wait..someone's coming up the road. Mutons! Elites, a whole squad!"
"Get ready!" Zara reloaded her gun. I noticed a small golden swarm gathering around her wrists. As the team came into view, we noticed that they'd brought a guest.
"Executor! Watch out!" The massive machine stopped in its tracks, and turned its massive railgun and plasma turrets towards us. It fired, a large explosion blowing a huge hole in the overpass.
"Shit! We gotta jump!" The Executor's poorly aimed shot had torn our path to the bridge in two. We'd have to jump. Time to put these legs to the test. I ran and leapt over the gap, followed by Zara and Kane. We took cover behind an overturned truck as it marched under the bridge. If that thing hit us directly, we'd be screwed.
"We need to deal with that Executor."
"Can't." Zara said. "We don't have the firepower to scratch that thing."
"So what do we do?" I asked. Zara looked at Kane. "We can't let that thing reach the bridge - it'll tear through ADVENT."
"Any air support available near us?" He asked Zara.
"Hang on, I'll speak with ADVENT Command, see what I can do." She activated her radio, exchanging a series of terse words, relaying coordinates and the like. I peered out from behind cover. The Executor and its accompanying squad had turned the corner, heading towards the bridge. Zara got off the radio and turned back to us.
"Okay, listen up! ADVENT has one airstrike available right now, the rest of the fighters are already engaged in the sky- so don't expect any air cover anytime soon. I've got a Raven inbound to take out that Executor, but after that, we're on our own. Understand?"
We both nodded. I heard the scream of a Raven's engines overhead as it flew over us, dropping a series of bombs onto the tank and destroying it, shaking the ground and turning the Mutons around it to ash.
Not a bad fireworks display at all.
After a brief second, I spoke. "We should keep moving. Looks like the bridge isn't going to hold for long." Kane gestured to the target, which looked close to being overrun by the enemy. I nodded. We had to go.
As we rushed towards the bridge, I began to pick up minds. A lot of them - and most of them weren't allies. ADVENT was falling back, and was going to lose the bridge.
Not something I was going to let fly. I felt the ADVENT soldiers, felt the distress in their minds.
Stay calm. We are here to protect you. Just hang on a little longer. We're coming for you.
"What's up on that bridge, Dawn?"
"We've got Runiararch, some Vanguards, and a group of Berserkers. I think there are some Custodians, too. Can't pick those up in my mind."
"Then we should move." No shit, Kane.
We ran up to the bridge, just in time; the Vanguards and Berserkers were wiping out what remained of the human forces. I put down the raging Mutons with a single thought, dropping them while Zara and Kane opened fire on the Custodians. I threw a symbiote at the Vanguards, trapping one. I winced as I felt a telepathic attack on my mind.
"Shit, that hurts! Dawn, give us some cover!" I formed a mental shield around Zara's mind, but when I tried to go for Kane's, he angrily waved me off.
"No! Stay out of my mind! I'm fine!" I hesitated. What the fuck? But my question was answered a moment later when a Vanguard charged up to Kane and raised a hand, attempting to telepathically attack him. Before I could shoot it, it stopped, shaking its head as if it was confused - at which point it was promptly blown apart by Kane's gun.
He seemed angry. Really angry. It was almost like the telepathy made him even angrier, and he began pushing into the enemies in front of us and mowing them down.
What the hell is going on? Zara clearly seemed to notice my hesitation, and ran up to me after deploying more nanites to cover Kane's rampage.
"I'll explain later, Dawn. Right now, worry about killing enemies."
"Uh, okay!" I brushed it off, firing my plasma rifle at the oncoming Custodians. Think of the enemy in front of you, focus, try to keep the sounds of the battlefield out of your mind as much as possible.
Thanks for the words of wisdom, Aegis. Always a pleasure.
I moved up behind my comrades, providing Zara telepathic support and scanning for more enemies. The ADVENT forces that remained, mostly MECs and infantry, were pushing up with us.
"The enemies seem to be retreating...wait."
"Zara, you good?" Then I felt something. More minds, incoming.
"Fighters! And another transport!" Kane yelled, looking skywards. I looked up, to see two Sectoid fighters incoming, with a transport trailing behind. I focused, searching for the pilots to take them down, when I felt someone tug on my shoulder, pulling me back. I realized why a moment later; an explosion ripped the ground apart in front of me where I'd just been standing.
I turned around. It was Kane. I was about to open my mouth and say thanks, when the transport arrived and dropped off two Sectopods. I'd never fought these things in a sim before, but first time for everything I guess.
"What do we do?" I yelled to my teammates.
"We don't have the firepower to take them down! We're going to have to fall back!"
I killed a squad of Mutons with a telepathic thought, but it was no use. The Sectopods opened fire, incinerating a group of MDUs with plasma missiles. We fell back as the few ADVENT soldiers left retracted. We took off running away from the bridge, just as more forces arrived, with hulking Luranian and a Herald behind them.
"Dawn, hurry! Try to stay out of the range of those launchers, otherwise you're dead!" I panted, running faster. Damn, this body could do work. We ran off the street and into a parking garage, taking a shortcut.
"Is everyone alright?"
"Yes." Kane said, his Titan armor siphoning from a wrecked car to refill its nanites. Part of me wished I could wear the Titan armor. Its tankier and bulkier form looked neat - I knew the Aurora armor was more useful, but a part of me appreciated its large, armored form. It just looked cool.
"Is it your first time fighting Sectopods?" She asked, reloading her gun.
"Yes ma'am."
"You need to have heavy weapons, like tanks, MECS, or psions - ideally, dynamos, telepaths are useless against them. Your plasma rifle and grenades aren't going to do shit,so if you encounter some, don't try to fight them unless you have air cover, tanks, or deadlier weapons. You'll get killed. Understand?"
"Yes, Zara."
"Good. We're falling back to Carmelita's position. We've got an inbound armored column to take down the enemy armor, but our primary objective is to assist Carmelita in the evacuation."
I gripped my gun tightly as the realization dawned upon me that we wouldn't be winning this battle. I knew it wasn't all glory and victory out there, even with XCOM's help, but damn, if the situation felt more and more hopeless. The most we could do was kill as many as we could and buy as much time as possible for the civilians and troops to leave and fight another day.
As I followed the duo outside through the backstreets, routinely scanning for hostiles with my mind, couldn't help but look at the ruin and destruction around me; upended homes and buildings, the streets littered with rubble and dead bodies, scorch marks and craters dotting the sidewalks and roads - the smell of burnt metal and flesh reeked.
This is what war looks like, Dawn.
This is what it feels like.
Like that sniper guy said, it's not like the media version where it's all sanitized. It has consequences - deadly ones.
I couldn't keep the thoughts out of my head as I followed them. I was a kid in war, my first large-scale battle like this and a part of me felt hopelessly out of place. Kane had killed an Ethereal with his bare hands and Zara was ex-EXALT with a history of all kinds of fighting and warfare.
I was a kid whose only experience with killing before the war was swatting bugs and the occasional spider.
Despite that, I was here for a reason - my psionics. Something I had to hone. Something they trusted me with doing.
Right now, fighting and not dying was the priority.
"How far are we from Carmelita?"
"A few hundred meters." Another little thing I'd come to appreciate in XCOM was the usage of the metric system to measure things, rather than Imperial. It wasn't anything huge or difficult - I was just glad America caught up with the rest of the world in that regard.
"What's her situation?" Kane asked.
"She and her team are holding on, but the pressure's building. She's going to need all the help she can get."
I breathed a sigh of relief. If her team had gone down, then we'd be screwed.
Hopefully, she'd still be hanging on when we got there.
She was. Just not by much.
When we got to her position, her armor was covered in alien blood, her sword stained with guts and who knows what else, and she was surrounded by dead aliens. The other psions were doing well, but I could tell they were getting worn out from the fighting. Zara and Kane explained the bridge situation to her, while I took cover, aimed, and prepared to engage.
In real life, if you lose your gun, you're screwed. Not sure why these sims keep trying to throw me around, literally.
"The parameters have changed. We're going to hold this position until the rest of the timer expires."
"And how will we know that?" I nervously asked.
"When the simulation ends." The way she said that had a tint of annoyance to it. "Heads, up, enemies incoming!" I looked up, to see groups of enemies marching down the road and several transports incoming. I focused on the transports, finding the minds of the pilots - I may not have been able to influence whole armies, but if you looked in the right place, you didn't have to.
Take your controls. See that land down there? I want you to hit it, as hard as you can. Do it quickly. Hit the ground.
Granted, I wasn't exactly that skilled just yet - but I could find the minds of the pilots, three of them, and command them. Working on influencing multiple minds was something that Aegis in particular had been helpful in. Seeing so many minds at the same time was something you had to get used to; not to mention cutting the voices out to better focus on the mission.
The three incoming transports took a nosedive into the ground, taking out the soldiers inside of them and giving us some more breathing room. Morita grabbed a group of Custodians, crushing them with her power. Taqi's shields cut through two Titans, dismembering them. Kane and Zara opened fire, with Kane using his massive gun to scatter the enemy forces, and Zara's nanites eating through them. I took cover behind a ruined APC, using its armor as additional cover while I took pot shots and killed aliens with my psionics.
They just kept coming.
"Heads up! Floaters!" A swarm of Floaters soared towards us, firing. I looked down at my hip, and took out a Thought Bomb. I'd been playing around with them in the Dreamscape, and had found the little guys to be useful.
"Carmelita! I'm going to use a Thought bomb on them! Tell the non-psions to get back!"
"No! Toss it to me, Dawn! I can hit them from here." Well, if you say so. I passed it to her, which she tossed, timing the explosion near-perfectly into their air, taking the group down.
"Dawn, hand me anot-"
"Watch out!" I noticed a grenade flying through their air. Morita snatched it with a grip, but it was too late. The grenade went off dangerously close to Carmelita, the blast knocking her down.
"Soldier down!" I yelled. "I don't have a medkit, what do I do?" She wasn't responding. She was alive, but how alive was another question. We didn't have any medics.
"The nanites will do what they can for her!" Zara yelled. "Put her to sleep!"
"Uh, okay!" I placed a hand on her helmet, telling her to sleep.
Hope you won't be feeling any pain for a while.
I tried to ignore the increasingly loud explosion and gunfire as I hunkered down behind the derelict armored vehicle, putting my Squad Overseer to sleep.
This was bad. Very, very bad.
"Heads up! We have to retreat now!" Kane yelled. Why? I-oh no.
Heading up another incoming mob was the Dragon, Yang Shuren.
Oh fuck. That was new. My mind was flooded with panic and worry. What should I do? Run? Pick Carmelita up? Shoot at the traitor?
"Dawn, run!" Morita lifted Carmelita's body up in a telekinetic grasp, obviously trying to carry her without much physical stress. As she lifted her and began to run, she yelped as she was pulled back, right onto the traitor's swords, killing her instantly, a spurt of blood coming out of her armor. I looked over at Zara, who nodded, and began to run after her.
No luck. Kane was lifted up, his neck snapped after a second. Taqi attempted to remove one of her limbs with an, admittedly, well-timed aegii shield, but her head was crushed. The scream was terrifying. I didn't know what had happened to Carmelita's body. Probably crushed, if I had to guess. As Zara and I fell back, Zara stopped in her tracks.
"What-" A sword was embedded in her head. She fell onto the ground, dead.
Oh no, Shitshitshitshit. What am I- I felt an iron grip wrapping around me, violently tugging me backwards as I tried to get my bearings. A second later, I felt a searing, sharp pain in my heart. I looked down. A sword was sticking out of my chest, covered in pain burned through my chest as I cried out, a small yet inconsequential part of me hoping she would show mercy.
A second later, I felt something touch my neck.
Then everything went black, and I reappeared in the real world. I yelped as I fell back on my ass.
"Fuck! What happened?" I looked up at my squad, staring at me. Alive. All alive.
Real seamless transition back there, T'Leth. Real smooth. I got up, shaking my head.
"The Battlemaster's Harbinger happened." Kane said angrily. I'd died in sims before, but getting killed that close and personal was new.
"How the everliving fuck were we supposed to fight that? She wiped us out in a matter of seconds."
"XCOM doesn't win everything, Dawn." Carmelita said. "You did pretty well, though."
"What? But I failed! I failed my first objective, and then I got killed!"
"Because of things out of your control. I'll see your results later, but for now," She walked over to me and nodded. "Good work."
"I-um, thank you."
She briefly acknowledged me. "Everyone, lunch. Then another sim after that. You all will be sent your results later today."
Ugh. That was a hell of a trip. I noticed Zara walking up to me as everyone else filed out.
"Shall we grab lunch?"
"Lunch with the Illuminati? How could I say no?" She chuckled.
"Alright. Come along, and I'll tell you some big secrets." I knew she was being sarcastic, but it was just all for fun.
"Sure thing, Lizard Overlord."
Therapy Office, Praesidium
6/28/17 - 10:00 AM
Dr. Yates spoke to me in a very manner-of-fact voice. "Let's talk about killing."
If I wasn't in XCOM, and was talking to any other therapist, I would definitely be more worried, but, in XCOM, killing was just something you did.
"Okay. What about it?"
"Your reluctance towards doing such, at least in some cases."
"Is this about the sleeping thing?" I suspected, no, I knew that Geist and Bronis talked to her regularly for these appointments. I didn't blame them, considering the situation I was in.
"Partially. I understand that although you have gotten more and more used to killing people in sims, I'd like to talk to you about how it feels, and what you think about it."
"Sure."
She nodded, bringing a tablet up. "You said that when you put those enemies in simulations to sleep, you, in real life, intended to 'free them.' Can you elaborate more on that?"
"I'd chalk it up to being naive, and pretty new at this, but if I have to be honest here, Doc, it was...kind of out of guilt. And a little empathy."
"Can you elaborate on that?"
"If I'll be honest, although I have a friend who's actually from there, I don't know much about Vitakarian society and how things work there."
"By your friend, you mean the Borelian?"
"Yes."
She nodded, making a note. "Keep going."
"Well, I can be an optimistic person at times. Combine that with my general, ah, let's say acceptance for the aliens in XCOM, and I got under a false narrative that some of them could be as reasonable as the ones here."
I sighed. "I guess that I have a problem with applying human logic to aliens and believing that they'll think the same way. They won't."
"Understandable." She nodded, and kept on taking notes.
"I thought that, with my current experience with the aliens here, and the knowledge of why the enemy was fighting, with the lies and deception and all of that, I thought I could use my telepathy to hopefully maybe show them another way."
"And by 'another way' you mean that they live under oppression and lies?"
"Yes."
"But you do realize that the soldiers you will be fighting chose to do this willingly. With exception of the Mutons, of course. You mentioned Vitakara as your target for this, right?"
"Yes."
"Hmm. So by that logic, why not also save Mutons?" She sounded like she was simply being inquisitive. She had a point.
I shrugged. "I don't know."
"But by your logic, the Mutons are even greater victims than the Vitakara. They are essentially slaves, trained from birth and stripped from their mothers and fathers to train to be nothing but cannon fodder. Don't you think that is a worse fate then the Vitakara?"
I gulped. "That's true. I talked with Geist about it, and he said the same thing."
"What else did he say?"
"He said that he chalked it up to me being new and still learning about all of this. He's not wrong."
"And was this thought process in any way a mechanism to avoid killing?"
"Maybe. No, no. It wasn't about the killing directly, it was about the guilt of killing. When I kill people with a gun or my psionics, sure it's easy in the moment to do it for a lot of people, but afterwards, sometimes I just have this guilt."
"Like regretting killing them."
"Yes."
"And you regret killing them why?"
I sighed. "I know that I'll have to - otherwise, they'll kill me. There's no question about that. I just regret that I have to, considering the circumstances."
"Like your age?"
"One of them, yes. This whole war is just really fucked up - pardon my words, Doc. I'll kill if it means the defeat of the Collective, and I'm sure as hell going to do that. I just wish that this whole clusterfuck wasn't a thing. The Bringer. The Ethereals. Patricia. Whatever the fuck was in New York. It's just gotten to a point where sometimes I just wonder in my head 'what the hell is going on?'."
I paused, searching for the right words to express my frustration. "It's just so messed up. I want to do my part in helping end this shitshow of a war. The Ethereals and their machinations have caused so much bad shit, and sure, I'll take out their soldiers any day, but it's their fault for invading Earth, starting all these atrocities. It's not right."
"So your frustration is centered on the Ethereals."
"Yes. They've enabled both themselves and other people to do these things. They started this war, and if I live to tell the tale, I'm sure as hell going to help end it however I can. If that means me dying, certainly. But if I get the chance to kill one…"
"And this correlation relating to this conflict being the Ethereal's fault leads into your reluctance to kill at certain points?"
"I guess. Looking back, maybe it was an innate reaction to killing - maybe by putting them to sleep, I could avoid some of the guilt or aftereffects of killing someone or something."
I sarcastically chuckled. "But I guess I was wrong. I guess looking forward, the only way to fight and survive is to kill them, so in the long run their respective organizations might fall, paving the way for something else. Isn't that ironic. The only way to save them is to kill them."
The irony was quite apparent, even now.
"And is that an idea you have accepted?"
I shrugged. "It's something I know I have to come to terms with. I mean, considering my age, I've gotten mostly used to killing. Does it freak me out sometimes? Yes. Does it make me feel guilty sometimes after? Yes. But deep down, I know it's necessary for my job, so I'll do it. In any other situation, I'd think I was too young to do things like this - too much pressure. But here? I've got a great support system, good friends, good teachers. I think I can handle it."
She nodded, taking more notes. "So how do you feel about the statement that you've grown more accustomed to the environment here?"
"Well, it's accurate. I've gotten used to my new sleep schedule, activities, etc.. When I first got here, I was super worried about not being able to keep up. Sure, it's not high school, but at least it's not too strict. I can let loose with my friends- going to the pool, for instance. I had my first beer - super fun. And watching shit with them, too? That's even more fun. I get to relax, and can still act like a teenager sometimes."
"Do you think the other soldiers think you are immature?"
I shook my head. "Not for the most part. I think I would've gotten a complaint, or however that works here. I mean, I don't think anyone here expects any less of me than they would of any other soldier. I've made good progress here, and people are happy with that."
"Mmmm. Last question."
"Go ahead."
"I've noticed you haven't been talking to your parents as much lately, yet you've also been making consistent trips to see you sister, as well as voice calls to your friend in the PRIESTs. Are you feeling disconnected from your family?"
"Somewhat."
"May I ask why?"
"It's...complicated. But I'll do my best to explain. My uncle served in the War on Terror, under some guy named Van Doorn." As soon as I said that, she paused, her face still she'd seen a ghost.
"Doc? You all right?"
"Yes Dawn, I'm fine. Thank you for asking. It's nothing. Please continue."
"He came back from the war with a medal or two, but he was never the same. He had PTSD and it nearly destroyed him. He saw things...horrible things, and he saw a lot of his friends die. He had to be committed to mental health treatment for a while, and, while he's a little better now, it had an effect on my mom. For a while, she became more disconnected from us. More quiet. They'd grown up together, they were basically best friends. And when she heard her little innocent girl was off to join XCOM, well…"
I stopped talking for a minute, not knowing what to say. My mom didn't deserve to have that happen to her brother. Frederic was a good man - he was like a second dad to me when I was a kid, the epitome of the 'cool uncle'. And now, war had turned him into a shadow of his former self. Words couldn't describe how horrible I felt about him. He didn't deserve what happened to him - no one did.
And yet I was putting myself in a situation just as bad, if not worse. He'd seen people get mutilated beyond recognition - could my young mind stand facing a Bringer abomination up-close, or take the possible forced insanity of a psionic attack by a Hive Commander or an Ethereal?
She was torn up about it, because of my actions.
"It didn't go well with her. She acts pretty okay when she talks to me, but Grace has told me that mom's been thinking about going to therapy again. She and Dad have been really stressed about this."
"And you think this is your fault?"
"Yes. Yes I do."
She nodded, and put her pad down. "I've noticed a trend in your responses as of late. You seem to mention guilt quite a lot during these sessions. Would you agree?"
"I suppose."
"The guilt seems to be related to both killing and the effects your job has had on your family. Would you say that this guilt was from your conscience?"
"I mean...it's just me coping and getting used to this. Back in the PRIESTs, we all knew we were going to kill people. But, there, things weren't so...real, so in-your-face. No Dreamscape simulations, no in-depth info on all the shit going on behind the scenes. Looking back, it felt more sanitized then what XCOM is. I'm glad that I know all of this...and yet parts of me aren't. It's a double-edged sword, and I feel like I've bitten off way more than I could chew."
"Have you considered leaving?"
My eyebrows shot up. "I'm sorry?"
"Dawn, I'm not asking it like I want you to. I'm simply asking you if it's ever crossed your mind."
I gulped. "I mean...at this point, I feel like it wouldn't be right to leave, knowing the things I know. I feel like I have a duty, an obligation with my powers. I'm Humanity's only biopath. I can't just waste those powers. If I can get good enough, I could kill an Ethereal with my abilities. That's something we need to even get the slightest edge in this war to win."
"Do you feel trapped?"
"I don't get what you're saying?"
"Do you, in any way, shape, or form, feel 'trapped' by this obligation to XCOM?"
"Uh, no. If you don't mind me asking, why so?" She put the tablet down.
"I was asking that, if you felt like, because of your special abilities, your obligation to stay here, combined with your anxiety about working, here made you feel trapped."
I tilted my head, confused. "How so?" Where was she going with this?
"You've said before that you know you were invited to join XCOM because of your abilities."
"Correct."
"Yet you've also stated in previous sessions that you sometimes felt uncomfortable with the environment and doubted yourself, as well as the aforementioned guilt of both killing and causing a divide in your family. Dawn, what I'm asking is if you've ever felt like leaving, but your responsibilities have you feeling like you're trapped."
I considered what she was saying. Did I feel trapped here, because of my feelings and my powers, and the obligations associated with it leading to a sort of mental and emotional conundrum?
"I...I can see where you're coming from, Doc. Sometimes it does feel like a conundrum to me. Sometimes I do wonder about it all. If I belong. If I deserve it. How it'll impact me in the future. What effect it'll have on me as a person. Do I feel trapped? No. Do I feel conflicted here sometimes? Yes. For now, I'm pretty okay with my situation, but if something, anything comes up, I'll tell you."
She took more notes. "Very well then." She nodded. "Well, Dawn, it looks like our therapy session has wrapped up." She took a look at her tablet. "Same time next week?"
"Same time next week."
"Alright, but I have something for you. Homework."
"Homework? I'm too old for homework." I said with obvious sarcasm.
She smirked. "When you get the chance Dawn, I'd like for you to talk to your mother. Alone."
"Why so?"
"Perhaps some conversation with her alone about your current situation could help with your relationship to her. If you'd like to, I could help moderate during this conversation. I'd need your permission of course, but if you want to, I could help."
I nodded. "I'll think about that. Anything else?"
"No."
"See you, Doc." I sat up and walked out of the office, my heart aching as I considered my homework. Talking to my mom about that? It was a sensitive subject for her, but I wasn't sure if I could handle that.
Dawn, you're in XCOM. You're responsible. You can figure out a mature way to talk to your mother about this.
I sighed, blinked, and walked off to the Nolan Room. Let's take this off of my mind by kicking some alien ass. Why not?
As I started to change direction, I noticed Sierra wave me over, followed by a posse of Archangels.
Well, damn. Maybe today won't be so bad after all.
The Dreamscape
6/30/17 - 1:20 PM
C'mon Dawn, get in his mind. I know you can do it. Find the cracks, slip in there. See what you can do. He's not Aegis - there has to be a way inside.
My attack against him intensified - I focused my power like a lance against the barricade that was his mind, trying to brute-force it if low-level manipulation wouldn't faze him. He stood there, completely passive, waiting for me to break through. The scene was kind of funny - me, standing there, eyes closed, body tensed, teeth gritted, and fists balled while he just stood comically still.
C'mon, find something damnit. There has to be something-
"You've been trying for ten minutes, Dawn. You should probably stop now." I sighed. He was right.
"Aegis training you really well." I said to Caelior. "Your mind is incredibly well-protected. I don't know what he taught you, but it is tough to get into. Nice work."
"That is appreciated. Aegis has been good to me since I officially joined XCOM. I have learned much from both him and your people. The one you call Geist also assisted in my improved telepathic capabilities."
"Geist taught you?" He'd never mentioned that when I was training with him. Huh.
"Yes. He helped refine the foundations I was taught by the Empire."
I nodded. "He's a good teacher, yeah? He's been teaching me since day one. You know he actually used to be a teacher before coming here?"
"I would not be surprised."
"Yeah, chemistry. He taught high schoolers. Like me."
"An adolescent instructor?" He asked inquisitively, for clarification.
"Well, maybe? It's basically...ah, how do I explain this? Do you know what college is?"
"A specialist academy, no?"
"Yeah, specialized education is a good description. Anyway, high school is basically the last part of school, right around when you grow up to be a teenager. It has subject-based classes, like history, science, math, et cetera. It's to prepare you for college and the real world. Takes around four years to do."
"Ah. Yes, we Ethereals had similar studies along with psionic instruction. Our equivalent of your college would be 'Advanced Learning'. Our lifespans allowed such studies to be longer than four years, though, and went suitably in-depth. Biology, physics, and quantum theory were all common subjects, in addition to psychology and telepathic manipulation. There were others, of course. Biomedicine, I particularly disliked, though it was useful in some aspects. Computation and genetics were also useful, though two decades for each is significant."
He stopped when he saw my jaw hit the floor. I thought I didn't know much when I joined XCOM, and I knew Ethereals were much smarter than us, but that much education? Would my brain even be physically able to process all of that information in his head?
"Twenty years of math?" I could barely handle pre-calculus. He probably learned that shit in preschool. So many questions went through my mind. Did they have parties? Prom?
"Correct."
"That's...a lot."
"We are immortal, Dawn. We learn much more outside of primary education. In my case however, my education was interrupted by the invasion of the Synthesized. My skills as a telekine did not go unnoticed, nor did the circumstances of my birth."
"Can I see?" I blurted out.
He angled his head to the side. "See what?"
"Ethereal school, I'd like to see what that looked like. It sounds...cool."
"An...interesting request. I will see if T'Leth can accommodate us." He waved his hand, and the room around us changed into a large classroom.
Filled with Ethereals.
Startled, I jumped, yelpling.
"This is only an illusion, Dawn. Observe."
I stepped away from Caelior, gazing at the classroom. It was much bigger than any classroom I'd seen, probably because the students were so tall. All of them were tall, at least six and a half feet, if I had to guess. All of them were wearing robes - nothing as fancy like the Battlemaster or any other I'd seen. Must be what they wore if they weren't soldiers.
The room itself was...somewhat ornate. More fancy than my school, I'd give it that. It was a basic circle-shape, yet the walls transitioned into the roof through curves, sort of like a church. The desks were simple; chairs with a small table. No books, just a few scattered tablets. The front of the room was covered in a massive hologram-projector...I think. The teacher was giving a lesson by projecting a massive 3-D hologram of an Ethereal.
The room itself was...something about it was enthralling. The silver coloring, how...clean the place was. The projections all across the walls of various different things all blended together very well, the blue glows of the screens were the only source of light in the room, besides the ringed lights on the ceiling.
"How can you tell them all apart? Everyone here looks extremely similar. But their robes have different designs and all. Is it the robes, or something else?" The robes varied in color and style form person-to-person. Some had a light tan, while others had a deep royal purple; others had mixes of different colors, but nothing too flashy. Maybe they had to follow some kind of dress code?
"Every Ethereal has their own unique telepathic aura. I recognize this class. History."
"This was your classroom?"
"One of many." He said that more softly, yet I could hear an ounce of pain behind that. No sense of nostalgia at all.
"Which one is you?"
He pointed to a figure near the front of the class. The robe design and color was similar to what he wore now, but with less armor.
Then the teacher began to speak. In English.
"Regina then unified the clans through agreements and conquest, her own clan enhanced through genetic modification, secrets which were then shared with those who were allied to her. Through her actions, our kind was united-"
The voice was female, no doubt. I was initially surprised that she was speaking English, but then again, this was a simulation. She sounded less calming and relaxing then Sana did, but you could definitely tell it was a woman. As she went on explaining what sounded to me like early Ethereal history, I listened aptly. Several of the students pulled their tablets out and began to type, taking notes. Others utilized the desk-screens which projected an interactable haptic display. None of them even made a sound - besides the teacher, they were quiet as night.
"Why aren't they talking?"
"It was not necessary. They are using telepathic communication."
"What?"
He snapped his fingers, and suddenly voices began to appear in my head.
Do you have the notes from yesterday?
I almost beat a record in psionic training last week…
That is nothing compared to what Caelior did.
Why are we hearing about this again?
"...wow. It's definitely nicer than mine."
"How much nicer?" I gazed at the intricacy of the hologram - a figure who I assumed was this 'Regina', which sentences in some kind of language hovering around it.
"Very. Very much." I was enthralled by the picture. It was so...surreal.
"I almost miss it some days. This particular memory was several weeks before I was." He stopped talking for a second. "Recruited to the Maelstrom."
"And later, fought in the war."
"Yes. Many things changed for me. I believed I was powerful. A weapon that gave hope to my people and the Empire. I believed I was strong. That nothing could stop me."
"But then you joined us, and learned the truth."
He nodded. "My great victories were staged. I was used as a tool by the Empire, a proxy of the Shadows. Not even destroying a Director Flagship was solely of my own doing."
I didn't know what exactly that was, and something told me I definitely didn't want to know. As he continued, I felt his mental defense begin to slip. His voice changed.
"I was arrogant. Prideful. Used. I believed I was superior, and yet here I am. Standing amongst you humans, who only a few months ago, I was crushing with my psionics." His voice had changed. It had gotten quieter. Angrier.
"Hey," I tried to say in my most relaxing voice. "It wasn't entirely your fault. You were being toyed with, and you've more then redeemed yourself in front of humanity-"
"No." I felt his aura change. I found it harder to pick my feet off of the ground. The frozen picture of the school began to vibrate, the colors and proportions becoming distorted.
"They used me. And I willingly permitted it. They lied. They all lied to me."
The air around me began to tighten, my limbs shaking. Oh fuck. His telekinesis.
"I was just a tool, and I fell for it! In the Empire, and now! Thinking I could fight Aegis and win- so idiotic!"
I gasped, my body tightening. His aura had grown, everything in the environment shaking.
"So gullible!" The pictures began to change. A family. A school. Some kind of ship in the midst of a battle somewhere in space. And was that in the background - oh my god.
It was-
And then it all stopped and a visibly dejected Caelior and myself stood within the regular Dreamscape, murky blue-black endless abyss
"Namater. Kamenen. I have failed you." His voice was almost completely different - sad, filled with remorse and sorrow.
Who the hell was that he was talking about? His parents?
I gathered myself, and stood up, feeling a little disoriented but fine.
"C...Caelior? Are you ok?" He said nothing, still on the ground. I inched closer to him.
"Hey, hey. Listen to me. It's going to be ok, ok? I'm just going to get Aegis, and then we'll-"
"No. I have no need for that." He stood up, turning to me. "Are you alright?"
"I'm-I'm good. Are you alright?"
"Not at the moment, Dawn. It is...I am working on it."
"Working on what?" My voice was quieter, my mind filled with various worries.
"Coming to terms with being myself. It has been hard, even with Aegis and your kind's help, to better myself and overcome that which allowed me to be toyed with. I am not the person I once was. I am getting better, but it will take a while before I have fully moved on. Yet…" He walked closer to me.
"Yet what?"
"Yet you cannot let that happen to you."
"I - what?"
"I have always been powerful, Dawn. From the moment I was born, I was seen as a prodigy. I had much power and talent, yet I had no proper motivation or incentive to show it. Until now. But you." He pointed to me. "You have a skill, a great skill that few can do well, even if your application is not perfect."
He wasn't wrong. I was still fairly new at biopathy. I was better than the Dawn that had walked into XCOM, but I still had a ways to go.
"Back during the war, back in Japan, I went into battle believing I could truly accomplish whatever I wanted. I believed I had both skill and the talent to use to my advantage, and yet I did not. And it nearly killed me. It got me closer to death than any other battle I had ever fought before."
"But you learned from that."
"I did, but you must understand Dawn, you have a gift. Like me, but I did not use it right. It was only thanks to Aegis and XCOM that I could truly become a better psion. I lacked skill and effort. You, as of now, lack skill."
I struggled to understand what he was getting at.
"Wait. You want me to learn from you."
"To take a lesson from my example, yes. Do not let what happened to me happen to you. We can both learn from one another, Dawn. I lacked competence and power. You, as of now, must not ignore that. You must understand, I wasted what I had. I should have learned to be better earlier, not now. And it almost got me killed. You must learn. Train. Understand. Grow. Do not become what I once was."
That was something. And he really meant it. I'd never heard him speak like that to me before. It had weight, emotion...even a little bit of pain.
I was about to open my mouth when Aegis appeared.
"Caelior. Dawn. I see you have been busy."
"Aegis." Caelior greeted.
"What are you doing here, Dawn?" Aegis inquired
"Talking with Caelior. Advice and things like that. We also did some telepathy exercises."
"I see. We will have our own session later as scheduled."
"Of course. Have fun, Caelior." As I walked past Aegis towards the door that would take me back to the real world, Caelior spoke to me telepathically.
Remember what I told you, Dawn. Do not forget your mortality. Do not forget what you can do. But do not forget your potential.
I took what he said to heart.
Thank you, Caelior. Good luck with your training.
I appreciate it and...thank you….for listening to that. For staying back there. And thank you. For being a friend.
Any day, buddy.
As I re-entered my physical body and took my hand off of the orb, walking past Aegis and Caelior's frozen bodies as I left the room, I stared for a second at Caelior's immobile form.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
No one deserves what you went through. Bring toyed. Used like that.
As I walked back to my bunk, I went over what he had said in my mind. You have a great talent, yet you lack the skill to use it.
He wasn't wrong. I was recruited here because of my biopathy - something I'd definitely improved on, getting it down to the single digits in minutes. Yet it wasn't entirely ready for frontline combat. My regular telepathy mostly was, yet the skill that I was valued for was not ready to be properly deployed.
That was something that I needed to change.
I couldn't walk onto the battlefield all high and mighty, pretending I was some kind of mini-Mortis. No - that arrogance would get me killed...or worse.
I had to train. I had to be prepared. I had to bring myself up to greater heights if I wanted to do well in battle - if I wanted to learn and grow, as Geist - and I - wanted.
But when it came time for me to truly step onto the battlefield, that would be when my true test would begin. Concentrating under fire, and not breaking. Following orders and executing them. Killing the enemy. Protecting my comrades and friends.
I would leave behind the Dawn Conley that was known back home, to my family and friends.
But a small part of me twinged in fear.
I wanted to keep at least a part of who I used to be. That girl who cracked jokes, smiled, and tried to put a positive spin on things. The girl who comforted her crying friend after her boyfriend broke up with her. The girl who was trusted enough by her sister to tell her something her parents wouldn't want to hear. The girl who, no matter what, always had hope in the back of her head. The hope that drove her to walk into that PRIEST recruitment center that day.
I would have to leave almost all of that girl behind.
But truly, how much was I willing to sacrifice?
To be continued in:
Reconciliation