Dreamscape, Praesidium
6/26/17- 3:05 PM
Expand your sphere of influence.
That was one of the lessons that Aegis had been teaching me since I got here, but now that I'd gotten a solid hold on my powers, I had begun to fully embrace it.
The goal was simple: expand my telepathic reach, and influence as many enemies as possible. I was one of XCOM's most powerful telepaths, on paper, and it would be a waste if I didn't use that power to its fullest extent.
Aegis was standing behind me, silent and watching. In front of me stood a group of twenty immobile Runiararch soldiers, idly waiting for me to make the first move.
"Eliminate them however you see fit. Your goal here is to influence as many of them as possible. Are you ready?"
"Yes, Aegis."
"Begin."
I stared intently at them, focusing on as many as I could.
Three. Five. Seven. Nine. Ten...eleven. That's it. Come on. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen...come on. I closed my eyes, focusing, trying to encompass more. I blocked the voices in my head as much as possible. Sixteen...ah, screw it.
Ten of them died instantly, the other six opening fire on the other four, cutting them down seconds later.
"Good." He looked down at me. "You did not eliminate all of the ones under your control."
"Insurance," I explained. "In case the others managed to open fire on the ones I was controlling, just in case." He said nothing, only nodding.
"Good. Geist has taught you well. Let us move on." He waved a hand, and two squads of ADVENT soldiers appeared. "Defend their minds from mental assaults."
"Any rules or guidelines for this?"
"Do not allow a majority to succumb. Project their minds for as long as you can." I nodded.
"Let me know when you are ready." I focused my mind on theirs, extending my mental reach as I visualized small fortresses around their minds, just as the aforementioned Ethereal taught me.
See, that was an aspect of telepathy not many non-Psions realized: to us telepaths, visualization was key to how we operate. In order to give a command, be it to an ally or enemy, a telepath cannot simply say 'do this' or 'do that'. We must first make it in our minds, an example that helps to achieve the goal, be that an order, or, in my case, an example to help me focus.
I built a wall around their minds, keeping them secure in a way no one else could.
Remember Dawn. In real life, these are real people, real lives you would be protecting. People who you're supposed to be protecting. You cannot forget that. These may be fake, yes, but it's a reminder of what you'll actually be doing out there.
"Ready," I said. An instant later, I felt Aegis' power creeping towards their minds. He was powerful. In order to truly understand how terrifyingly powerful an Ethereal really is, you needed to see them in action. Watching a vid was one thing, but actually being there when they fought was another.
This was no exception.
I felt him attack...not one person, but everyone. At once. He wasn't showing any mercy here, not going easy on me. Not that I wanted him to - I had to prepare myself for the actual battle. The enemy wasn't going to give you a break or prep time in a war. They would keep pushing until one of you was reduced to nothing.
His attack felt like a wave of pain and anguish, slamming into my defenses like a gargantuan tidal wave of power. I cringed as the soldiers felt it too, many reeling in pain. I focused, trying to hold the line.
Don't let him win. Don't let him break them. I'm not going to fall. You are not going to fall. Just hang on.
I could feel him pushing, the pressure building as the pain began to grow. I felt my defenses begin to slowly slip.
No! I channeled more emotion and fury into my attacks, trying to keep him out. My hands balled into fists, my teeth gritting as I tried to push back as much as I could.
You will not touch them. You will not touch them. They are mine, not yours.
Putting emotion into telepathy was a strategy they taught us from day one. Putting more emotion into your attacks and defenses seemed to enhance telepathic ability. That's why, in the simulation where I fought those Titans solo, my biopathy seemed to drastically speed up during my bout of rage, something I couldn't exactly replicate on a daily basis, but it was something to consider and play with.
Geist, Aegis, and I had experimented with it, and I had indeed managed to do it several times. Not that I could do it constantly - the amount of times I had done it since the simulation could be counted on one hand, but it was something that intrigued me. If rage and pain was what triggered that - what could other intense bouts of emotions do?
But that was something to consider later. Right now I had to protect these soldiers from Aegis' attacks, not to think about emotions. I could feel the soldiers' pain in my mind. I was doing the best I could, but even then, my best was not enough. All I could do was prolong their protection for as long as was humanly possible.
Humanly possible. Funny how that term worked now these days.
I felt his attacks push harder and harder on my defenses, the walls slowly beginning to crack and bend. The pressure built, and everyone except Aegis felt it. I kept my focus, trying to keep the soldiers' minds safe. I felt sweat drip down my face as the strain of protecting them slowly began to get to me. I could almost feel him in my mind.
You will lose.
They will fall to me.
You are nothing.
I growled, desperately trying to keep my allies safe against my teacher's attacks. I knew I could never defeat him, not alone. But I could slow him down. Just a little longer.
Just a little longer, Dawn. You can do it. You can do it. Just keep it together, and you can-
A massive wave of power hit them, smashing my defenses. It all came crashing down as I felt the pain of the soldier's minds being taken over by the Ethereal. I felt their screams, their pain, their anguish, as their minds, their personalities, were swept away like nothing, bearing the brunt of Aegis' power. I stumbled, almost falling over as I recoiled from the shock.
I screamed, breaking out of my trance as the simulation ended, the background fading away to the default setting. It was just me and him now.
Remember the exercises. Count to five. Breathe in. Count to five. Breathe out.
"Are you in pain?"
"No." I huffed, taking the helmet off and wiping the sweat off of my face with an armored gauntlet. This guy really did not fuck around. But then again, who didn't in XCOM? "How did I do?" I asked, in between heavy breaths.
"Acceptably. You protected them for an ample amount of time, as required."
"Yeah, I guess I did." I put a hand to my head.
"Are you in pain?" He repeated.
I nodded. "Yes."
"What caused it?"
"You," I said quietly. "Their pain."
He strode over, towering over me. "Are you having trouble adjusting to it?"
"No," I said. "It's just so overwhelming sometimes."
"That is intentional."
"I know, I know. It's just...damnit, it hurts a lot."
"I understand it. Such tolerance was built up during my own training."
"I know. It's just…" I gazed past the Ethereal, staring into the void. "I feel sometimes, like I am too young for this. That I shouldn't be feeling this kind of pain at this point in my life."
"No, you should not. But you made the choice to come, even before XCOM."
"I know, Aegis. It's just...I guess I'm still truly coming to terms with what I'm doing here. What I'll be doing."
"You have doubts."
"Let me guess. You've-"
"Had them? Yes. Though not as you do. You are training in an environment that is not conducive to learning, nor in a situation where you can become fully confident in yourself before a trial. That was a luxury I had, which you do not. Had I become an Aegis during the Synthesized War, it would doubtless have been a different environment. You are a Human, you are young, and your species is more emotional than mine. If there is something I can offer, it would be this:"
"What?" For a moment, he said nothing.
"That these doubts will fade when you use them in a real situation. When the weight of expectations fades, and you will become comfortable with what you are capable of. Words and speeches will not give you the innate confidence you desire. Only action, and the day where you are tested is coming. I am confident you will match our expectations."
"Thank you Aegis, but it's not just that. I've been having some doubts as of late."
"Beyond what you have said?"
"Yeah. I feel like I'm stepping into something way out of my league here, you know? Sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out for this, and it's been popping up more and more as of late."
"I can only repeat what I said."
"I know." My shoulders slumped. "Since you're one of my teachers, I thought I should tell you. Trust and all."
"It is good to share, and such thoughts appear to be natural for Humans. With my own advice given, I cannot relate to a Human mindset such as you have. Speaking with another, more qualified for the Human mind, might give you confidence I cannot."
Yeah, I can tell. I understood his awkward response. As good a teacher as he was, he wasn't as emotional as me or Caelior. He wasn't a natural birth or a human - he was an alien, and he had his ways of dealing with emotions - what little I could detect, of course.
But it made me wonder - what else was going on in that head of his? He'd seen more people die in war than I probably ever would, not to mention losing his mentor and his student to those machine things.
Thank you Caelior, for accidentally showing me during that vision.
All of that had to take a toll on someone - and that's not even counting this war, with him fighting his own kind. I couldn't help but wonder if something was going on with him. No, not if.
"Let us continue, Dawn."
"Right...and thank you for listening. Ah, what was next again?"
"Protecting your mind from a direct telepathic assault."
Lovely.
Hopefully this time would be less painful.
Barracks, Praesidium
6/24/17 - 7:30 PM
"Hey mom." I stared at my mother's face through the screen. She looked...different. There was a look in her eyes that was missing something. She looked almost empty, tired. She looked like she hadn't gotten a lot of sleep recently - there were large bags under her eyes.
She put on a somewhat forced smile. "Hey Dawn. How are you?"
"I'm good Mom. How are things in Tennessee?"
She didn't answer for a moment. "They're fine. For the most part."
'What do you mean?"
"People are scared. Busan...terrified a lot of people here. They're worried that any day now the Collective's going to use...whatever that thing was to hit us. And New York too…whatever happened there."
I didn't say anything in response to that. Far as I knew, not even the Imperator himself knew what those were. As for the Reinarm Cannon... well, now we knew it existed, and could probably think of something to counter it.
"The war's affected everyone here in some way, Dawn. Do you remember the Ray family?"
"Yeah. They have a daughter, didn't they?" I remembered they'd had a kid, the same age as me. Didn't interact with them much, but I heard she was kind of nice. Mom looked down.
"They did. She was killed in Busan. Her body couldn't be recovered. Her family can't even bury her. They're torn up about it ever since they learned - they've barely left their house." I felt a sudden pang of guilt in my chest. I didn't even know her name, and she was dead. Another victim of the Collective. People like her were why XCOM existed - to protect humanity against the alien threat - any alien threat.
XCOM doesn't win everything, Dawn. Carmelita's words reverberated through my mind as I thought about what my mother had said.
"Mom, if you want to, you can move to XCOM's family base. You'll be safe there, and-"
She held up a hand. "Dawn, we've been over this. Your father and I, while we support you, aren't entirely comfortable with your choice to join XCOM. And if we left, we'd have to leave the house behind, our neighbors, our friends, our jobs… Dawn, we've built a life here, and-"
I couldn't blame them. They had to move halfway across the country from our hometown of Nashville to Augusta to be near me when I entered the PRIESTs, then moved back when I joined XCOM, spare my sister. To say my family had been through a lot was an understatement, and don't get me started on my extended family's reactions to it. That was a "whole 'nother story", as Mary would've put it.
But I would be lying if I said I didn't miss them.
"But you're putting yourself in danger, the both of you! I doubt the aliens know anything about me, but that's not going to last forever. You'll be safe in XCOM, no one's going to touch or harm you here."
I sighed, then moved on.
"Mom, the reason I called you was to talk about something."
"What's that?"
"Our relationship. It's changed a lot since I joined up, and I wanted to talk to you about it one-on-one."
She raised an eyebrow. "That seems a bit out of nowhere."
"Do you not have time to talk about this?"
"I do. Just...wasn't ready for that question."
I gulped. "I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about this later?"
She shook her head. "No. So, what exactly do you want to talk about with me regarding this?"
Okay Dawn. Don't fuck this up. Just tell her how you really feel, and be honest about it.
"Alright. But mom, I'm gonna be a bit honest here, and you may not like what I have to say about this." She gave a slight nod, and blinked.
"Okay." I took a deep breath. "Mom. I understand why you and dad are angry about what I did. I'm going to talk to him later, but I decided to talk to you first, since he's been busy lately." I'd heard from Grace that he had been picking up more shifts at work lately. She suspected he'd done it to distract himself from the issue at hand of his daughters 'going rogue', as she'd jokingly referred to it.
But I felt as if it was something worse. Mom and Dad had loved each other for a long time, yes, but I had a feeling that this was putting a strain on their marriage, and that Dad was taking on more work to avoid dealing with the clusterfuck of… whatever the hell this had become.
If I was right, then the situation between them was worse than I'd thought.
And it was all my fault. For making this choice. Leaving everything behind. Making-no!
No Dawn, it's not your fault. It's their choice for staying behind.
"Dawn?"
"Sorry mom. It's just…" I almost bit my lip. This was going to hurt, and part of me didn't feel like I should say it at all. Yet if I didn't, that would only further things between me and her. Here, honesty was not simply just the best policy - it was the only one.
"Mom. When I joined XCOM, I understood how you felt. Why you felt that way. Believe me, if I was in your position and my kids did the same thing, I'd feel the same way." I paused, collecting myself. "I know part of the reason you were angry at me is what happened to your brother. I know you're afraid of what happened to him happening to me." Her eyes widened, as if I'd read her mind through the screen.
"I know how you feel. Trust me, parts of me feel that way, too. I know I'm going to kill people. It's… probably going to be a lot, I won't lie. Do I feel ready to do it? Mostly. But it's my job. I have something very special, Mom. Something no one else can do. I can use it to fight the enemy. Save lives. Protect people. I know you didn't want this for me and my sister when we were born. To go into this kind of situation and kill people, much less melt them."
"I know you don't want me to end up like Uncle Frederic. You wouldn't be a good mother if you didn't worry about us. And I love you for that. I always will. But you and dad raised us well. So well. You cared for us and loved us through so much. And thanks to the two of you, I'm who I am now. But I'm an adult now, and there's a time when your kid has to leave the nest. And without you and dad, I don't think I'd be any more fit for this."
"Dawn-" She began to speak, but I held up my hand.
"Let me finish. I guess what I'm saying is, is that I'm doing this because I want to. I did this because you and dad raised a good, loving, caring person who you're very proud of. And you don't want her to fade away. I understand that. But it's time for me to take the stage of my own life now. Take the things you both taught me. Showed me. Things we couldn't have done without the two of you. It's time for me to tell my own story, and I couldn't have done it without my parents."
I finished speaking, and awaited her response. She sniffled, wiping a tear from her eyebrow.
"I...thank you, honey. That was sweet of you to say. That was a lot. Can I...I'm sorry." She sniffled more, her voice cracking.
Fuck, was that too much? "Can you what?" I said cautiously.
"I need to think. About all of this." I nodded.
"That's ok Mom. You do that if you want to."
"I really don't want to take up any of your time. I'm sure you're bus-"
"No Mom, I've got nothing scheduled for right now. I'm going to talk to my therapist again. Would you mind joining that conversation?"
"Yes. Just tell me a time, and we can work it out, okay?" I smiled. Progress. Yes!
"Maybe we can call again? And I can show you some of my friends?"
Her eyes lit up - her face was a light shade of red. "That would be nice. Didn't you say earlier that you had one that would be interested in meeting me?"
I gulped. "Yeah, but she may or may not be an eight foot tall alien covered in white fur with claws." I decided not to mention Caelior, as that might be too much for her.
"You being serious right now?"
I smirked. "Want to find out?" I teased.
"Try me."
"Wait, are you being serious?"
"If you trust her. Not sure how Dad would react, but we'll see."
"Thanks Mom."
"Any day, sweetie. I gotta go, but...thank you. For telling me all that. Just give me some time to think, ok?"
"Okay."
"See you later. Love you."
"Love you!" She disconnected a few seconds later, leaving me to stare at a black screen.
Well, that was something. I thought, climbing out of bed and putting my boots on. She'd heard me out, taken what I'd said into consideration, and the whole conversation didn't go south as I thought it would. And her wanting to meet Carreria. Hoo boy, that'd be something.
Hopefully she wouldn't scare my parents off.
"Who was that?" Lian asked, as she walked up to me. "Sorry, I was chatting and I noticed you were talking."
"Oh, that. It was my mom."
She raised an eyebrow. "Your mother? Are things better between you two?"
"Yeah. We talked about it, gave my mom some of the old Conley charm. I'll talk with my dad later once I find time."
"Well, that's good."
"Yeah, it is. Went better than I thought. Spoken to yours lately?"
"They're dead. Beijing." She said in a flat tone.
I put a hand to my mouth in a knee-jerk reaction, as if that somehow would stop her from ever hearing the words I spoke.
"I'm so sorry, I-"
"It's fine." she paused for a moment. "One of the many reasons I fight the Collective."
I nodded. Probably shouldn't continue with this. She noticed the look of discomfort on my face.
"So when are you going to talk to your father?"
I shrugged. "He's been working more since I left. Gonna be difficult to find some time to do. But I'll think of something. He seemed more angry than my mother about what I did. I'm kind of worried I won't make a good impression on him. He's kind of stubborn, but he's not a bad guy in any regard. He's worried about his kids, and, for the most part, he's not wrong."
"But?"
"But he didn't exactly get a good impression of XCOM. He acted like I was a child soldier being thrown into a meat grinder. Hell, he even outright said that in front of Bronis."
That got an eyebrow raised out of her. "That sounds a little extreme. Sounds like he wasn't handling it well?"
I shook my head. "No, and that's what's worrying me. I've never seen Dad act like that before. He's normally a chill guy. Outbursts like that from him are extremely rare."
"Well, it's not every day that your kid joins the world's most elite and dangerous organization." She said. "But do you think it was a kind of knee-jerk reaction, or him being deliberately mean?"
"I think it was more of a knee-jerk thing. I mean, he got quiet and didn't speak much after I started crying. Since then he's been quiet. We've spoken a few times, but nothing ever really came out of it."
"I'm sorry."
I nodded. "No problem, anything for a friend. If you ever need to talk about stuff like that, we're here."
I smiled warmly at her. "Thanks, Lian."
"I have to run along. Training. See you later." I gave her a small wave as she walked away.
Well, that had gone well.
Wonder how Carreria was going to react to the fact that my mother wanted to meet her.
That would also be something, wouldn't it?
Therapy Office, Praesidium
7/25/17 - 10:01 AM
"You wanted to see me, Doctor Yates?"
She nodded, indicating a chair. "Yes, Dawn. Sit down, please."
This was...unexpected. I didn't have an appointed session with her for another week - what was this?
"May I ask why I'm here? I don't remember our next appointment being for another week."
"And you'd be right. However, I was looking over my notes from our previous meetings, and wanted to talk to you one-on-one about some things."
I gulped. Was this about my stunt with Patricia in the Dreamscape? I told the Commander I was sorry.
"Did I do something wrong that prompted this meeting?"
She shook her head, responding in a calm tone. "No. All I would like to do is ask you some questions."
"Like what?"
"Your concern about your mental state, for one. In particular, your mood swings and anxiety about managing your abilities. Also, you've expressed to me multiple times that you're worried about handling yourself in combat." She looked at her notes, pausing for a second, before looking up at me. "It's been some time since you've brought this up. In your opinion, have you improved in this aspect, or would you still call these legitimate concerns?"
I nodded. "Yes. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about them. I think I've gotten better there, though, yeah."
"Alright. I'd like to start off by asking you a question."
"Shoot."
"In your opinion, do you think you joined XCOM without properly thinking of the consequences of doing so?"
I raised an eyebrow. "'Consequences' being things like pressure, possible mental or health issues, etcetera?"
"Yes."
"Can I have a moment to think before I answer?"
"Yes."
She had a point.
I was young. And I'd had a lot thrown at me. The revelations, learning the truth about the war and everyone involved so quickly, fighting itself and participating in combat- all within a little over a month. That shouldn't be the life I should be living. What would I have done if this war had never happened?
I'd be in college, chasing that history major, hanging out with a roommate from a state or country I'd never been to. I'd go to parties, sneaking a peak at that one guy who I thought was cute, not giving a damn about the world. I'd graduate, walk across that stage in my cap and gown, get that diploma. Get a job and a house, worry about things like bills and taxes and a budget. I'd go out on dates, looking for the one.
I'd find him eventually, get married, and live the life I'd always wanted. We'd grow old together, retire to some nursing home to live out the rest of our days.
But I would never live that kind of life. And that, in a way, was the greatest consequence joining XCOM had. Never would I be 'normal' again.
The war could take years to complete. I'd never go to college, get that diploma, get that job and a house, or get married. I wouldn't worry about bills and that next paycheck - I'd be worried about whether or not I or my friends would die on that next mission. I wouldn't sit in a chair all day, typing or negotiating with angry customers - here, arguments were solved with weapons, psionics, and military strategy. The battles of the boardroom would be replaced by actual battles, where the fight would be ended with a bullet or a simple thought.
I wouldn't kill time - I'd kill people. Lots and lots of people. I would be fine-tuned not as an employee, moving up the ranks through years of work. No, I would be fined-tuned to be a weapon, a weapon of mass destruction that could lay waste to countless people and countless places. And I sure as hell wasn't going to find anyone that I'd get into an intimate relationship with here.
Was that any place for a kid? My recruitment wasn't illegal or anything, I couldn't be classified as a child soldier by any means, and my choice to go was a voluntary one.
But could I accept the consequences of my choice? Truly? I had been responsible and mature, but had I ever really sat down, and thought about the ramifications of my actions?
And that was assuming we won - that was the best case scenario. If we lost, would I have to go on the run or underground to escape the Collective? Make some kind of deal with T'Leth? And what if I got captured? Would they paint me as a victim, or a war criminal? Turn me into a test subject for horrible experiments? Turn me over to the Bringer? Brainwash me into becoming a masked puppet, an Ethereal plaything to tout around?
Had I really thought about the consequences of joining XCOM before I said yes to Bronis? Having a blowout fight with my parents? Being exposed to so much so quickly?
It did feel overwhelming, having so much shoved at me in such little time. I knew why it was being done- this phase of the war had been more intense than any phase we'd seen before, with even more on the line than ever. But a part of me wondered if they hadn't considered the full effects of bringing a teen into XCOM. Then again, if I hadn't fit the standards that they had set, I wouldn't have been offered the position at all.
"You know, looking back, I think that I may have." I looked down. "I might've been too caught up in the excitement and thrill of having XCOM actually ask me to join. Before I joined up, some of us used to talk about XCOM, and what we thought went on there. We'd speculate for so long, come up with all these crazy, outlandish ideas on what went on behind the scenes."
I chuckled. "Looking back, some of our predictions weren't too far off, but this…" I gestured to the room around me. "I don't think anyone could have expected this. Have I gotten used to it all? Sure. Can I handle it? Sure, I have. But as my dad used to say, I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it. Do I worry about it sometimes? Yes. Do I think I can handle it? Sure."
"Do you still sometimes have thoughts, regrets about joining XCOM?"
I shrugged. "I have thoughts. Sometimes. I miss having people of my age around. Being able to talk with them about similar things that adults have trouble understanding. But in the end, the adults here are mature and understanding- then again, if they weren't, I doubt XCOM would have hired them in the first place. So that's that."
She took more notes on her tablet. "So how would you react to the statement that you have grown accustomed to XCOM?"
I nodded. "Sure. Yeah, that's true. I'm more used to it then I was before."
"But you're having issues with your emotions? In particular, the stress?"
"Yep."
"And how much do you think the stress is impacting you overall?"
"I mean, I don't normally feel like beating people to death, so, yeah. I mean, it's just all...kind of bottled up in there sometimes. Sure, these appointments- and you, of course- have been helping. A lot. But I feel like…" I felt tension in my hands, as if I wanted to ball them into fists." "I just feel like I need to take it out on something."
"Like when you 'killed' Patricia?"
"Yeah. I just saw all that death, all those people dead. And for a moment, I just felt angry. So angry. I felt like I had to do something. I just couldn't keep it all in there. So I killed her. What I was doing was brutal, yes, but it just felt right. I don't know if my anger had fully taken me over."
"It is not healthy to do that, Dawn. Bottling up your emotions can lead to them boiling over, and having even worse consequences."
"I know. I just...I have trouble expressing them sometimes. Some days, I just don't know how to in front of my friends. When I kill things in the Dreamscape, it can go away for a while. But sometimes it feels like it can just come back. When I'm in battle, the flow of everything, the action, the rush. I just feel...right. And it's not just that. The training, too. When I'm practicing my psionics, shooting a gun, running, lifting weights, whatever. It feels good."
She wrote something down on her tablet. "So you've grown more used to combat and more intensive activities. But in those activities, it gives you relief from your stress. Is there anything non-combat or training oriented that helps with your stress?"
"Yes. Talking and hanging out in the Mess Hall or the barracks. It can get kinda fun talking and telling stories with the others. Gets my mind off of things for a while. In fact, honestly? I feel great. Physically at least. Being able to do all of these things I could never do before. I feel like someone flipped a switch in my mind or something."
She nodded. "Many soldiers here have reported feeling similar effects post-augmentation. That's quite normal. Does it feel like a rush? Like you are more energized?"
"Definitely."
She wrote more. "Yes, that's quite normal. Can we go back to your stress?"
"Um, sure."
"So you say you feel like your emotions are bottling up. Which emotions, if I may ask?"
I gulped. "Anger. Sometimes rage. A little bit of sadness. Some regret."
"What do you think is causing these emotions to surface?"
"The war. Seeing all these things happen. What I sometimes go through in the simulations. Being in an environment I'm not normally used to. The pressure of training and getting better."
"And how do you think we should deal with this?"
I shrugged. "More appointments, I guess. I'm sorry. I-I really don't know."
She nodded. "It's okay. I'm sure we'll figure something out."
I nodded. "I understand. I'm just a little worried."
She warmly smiled. "Don't worry. We'll figure this out, Dawn. You and me. You've made a lot of progress today by talking about these things. Remember, recognizing these issues proves you're mature enough to talk about and discuss them. That's one of the biggest steps towards finding a solution."
"Anything else, Doctor?"
"No, Miss Conley. Not for now. Take care."
I stood up. "Is our appointment still next week?"
"Yes, as planned."
I walked out of the room, closing the door behind me. As I walked away, I couldn't help but feel more...relaxed after that. Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Not a large one,but one that was sizeable enough to make me feel more relaxed. More comfortable.
I reminded myself to thank Yates the next time I saw her. That had, admittedly, helped more than expected. When I first got here, walking the halls of this place, I felt out of place, nervously acting like I didn't belong. But now, I was someone. People nodded at me when I walked past them. People asked me if I wanted to do sims with them. Shoot with them. Show me some kind of exercise in the gym. Give me advice if I was doing something wrong. To some people, I was a kind of 'little sister' type. Another addition, albeit a unique one, to the XCOM family.
And you know what?
In the end, I was fine with that.
Barracks, Praesidium
6/27/17- 8:40 PM
And so, in conclusion, through the manipulation of cells, biopathy has the capacity to be the most useful form of telepathy, in many cases, ranging from medicine to warfare. Please see my recent report on my request to-
Not a bad report, written by someone who was supposedly so childish. Then again, like it or not, the self-righteous, hypocritical, double-standard bearing bitch in white that was Sana'Ligna was essential to me learning more about my abilities. The scientific records that Aegis had taken with him were a veritable goldmine; in a way, they had done most of the work for me.
But now it was up to me to take their work and apply it to myself. If I ever had to fight them, the irony could not have been more clearer.
But I hoped it wouldn't come to that.
But regardless of my personal feelings towards her, she had a lot of good theories and studies that I could analyze. Especially regarding the actual what and how of biopathy. Namely getting the right mindset, handling and managing said mindset, and expanding it. Melting and healing were the basics, yes. But when you got it down to a science, the nitty-gritty of the process itself, it was all about one thing.
Scale.
Scale was, in a way, the true essence of biopathy, and what defined it. It was telepathy, but taken to a microscopic level. Why mind control when you can command the very essence that makes up organic life? You could use telepathy to mitigate the pain someone felt, but biopathy could outright heal that pain. Can't kill someone outright? Trigger massive cellular reproduction within them, turning the enemy's body against them, killing them from the inside.
And that was just used in warfare. Outside of it - well, the civilian applications were almost limitless. Farming, medicine, chemistry - it was just so much.
But there were a few issues.
One. I was a human - one human. I was young, so I would have a lot of time to learn. I could become powerful - but not powerful enough. To pull off some of the things that she'd theorized about - as well as the concepts Geist and I had come up with, I'd need to hone my biopathy far beyond just simply using it to kill. I'd have to experiment more.
For example, the concept of cellular replication and reproduction. Cancer cells have an unnaturally high rate of division, leading to the creation of tumors. However, it theoretically would be possible for a biopath to somehow repair, or at the very least minimize or slow down the rate of replication, either curing the patient or giving them more time so a treatment or surgery can be applied, saving their life.
Here was the problem, well problems with that. The issue wasn't that it couldn't be done, the underlying conditions under which this would work I couldn't exactly replicate at this time. One - while XCOM and ADVENT would certainly appreciate me submitting a report or possible procedures for such an idea, XCOM as of now wanted my biopathy as a weapon, so any in-depth research on my end on the off-battlefield applications would have to wait until the war was over.
And I could be killed in that time.
All the more reason to record my theories and ideas, then.
Which brought me to my second issue.
There, quite simply, wasn't enough of me. Geist could technically be classified as a biopath, but his was nowhere as natural as mine. Now, I'd come to peace with being the first true biopath, and the only one, as of now, accessible to ADVENT and XCOM. But, someday, another biopath's full potential had to be discovered. Maybe they would accidentally melt something, like I did, or the opposite, and accidentally heal an injury or the like.
What would happen then? Would XCOM ask them to join like what they did with me? Would ADVENT, or maybe even that Pantheon group want them instead?
It was only a matter of time until we found another one. And with luck, I could mentor them. Teach them to operate and think like I do. Or maybe it would be the opposite - they could have a background that could help me learn.
Which was related to option three.
But option three was something I considered ridiculous. No way would it ever happen.
And if it somehow did...then I never would have to worry about having a teacher again.
I sighed, putting down my tablet after more note-taking on her report. It was admittedly well written, though the writer clearly had a very 'the world-revolves-around-me-I'm-so-special' mentality. Ugh. At least my twin sibling didn't act like that. Clearly Ethereal family dynamics operated much differently than ours.
I think that's enough notes for today. I looked at the time. Is the Dreamscape still available...yes! Good.
One last thing before I go to bed.
Dreamscape, several minutes later
Contrary to popular belief, the Dreamscape wasn't simply about combat. Our pilots used it for flight sims. Medics used it to simulate people with various injuries to treat.
But it was also useful for something else - meditation.
Precisely what I was doing right now. The Dreamscape's ability to create an environment that was extremely calm and quiet was a useful asset for those looking for meditation or peace and quiet, and I was no exception.
I sat on the 'floor', the Dreamscape as it was normally, an empty, murky, black-blue space of nothing, eyes closed, thinking.
I decided to reflect on the meeting with my mother earlier in the last week. What she had said. What I said.
I didn't run away. I just made a choice. A choice that would change everything about who I am, who I was, and who I will be.
But something came up.
Yates had a point.
When I said yes to Bronis, did I seriously consider the consequences of this? What I'd do? What I'd see?
She was right. But what else could I do now? I couldn't go back. Not that I wanted to. I knew I couldn't.
For the first time in my life, I knew where I was going to go. Who I was going to be. When I received that letter of acceptance to college, long before the war began, I was still unsure of myself. I would get that degree, yes, but what would I exactly do with it? I felt lost. I didn't know what I truly wanted to do in life. I felt scared, aimless, and afraid.
Then the war happened, and I ended up here. I discovered my true talent, something you couldn't be taught or learn in school. My biopathy, my telepathy, my connection to the Psionosphere changed everything. Now, strangely, I felt more complete. Like it was a part of me hidden away, potential waiting to be unlocked and allowed to grow and develop. Something I alone could forge and mold into something of my own doing and making.
I felt like I had direction, a purpose. A meaning to do something that I could put myself behind.
In XCOM, I could make a difference. I could change the world. I could protect those who couldn't protect themselves. But that kind of change...could only be paid for in blood.
If you had told me one year ago that I'd be killing people and finding it easy, that past version of me would've called the present me a psychopath or something.
How much I'd changed. From an innocent schoolgirl to a trained killer, a fine-tuned weapon, honed for a war against an enemy no one saw coming. I know I certainly didn't.
How much things have changed.
Last year, I would be at the coffee place after school, chatting and working with my friends. Now, you could find me in a gym, flexing genetically enhanced muscles, using strength I never thought I'd have. You could find me inside the mind of what some would call a god, fighting through its various machinations to prepare myself for the battlefield. You could find me next to cyborgs, artificial intelligences, or aliens capable of ending entire armies.
Funny how I've gotten so used to it by now. Feels like I just joined yesterday.
But I would be lying if I said I didn't feel at home here.
This is who I am now. The old Dawn, one day, will be gone forever. A matter of growing up, yeah, but also experience. I'm going to see things, do things that would have horrified the old me. And slowly, she will fade away, to be replaced by...someone.
I knew going into XCOM that I would leave in two ways- as a completely different person, or in a body bag. But did I ever truly stop and think about who I would become?
I gritted my teeth, opening my eyes and staring into T'Leth's void. For old times' sake, I had the sim give me my old getup that I'd wear to school most days- a t-shirt, shorts, and sneakers. My hair was in a ponytail, the hairstyle I'd had for years before regulations made me shorten my hair when I joined.
I closed my eyes, and for a moment, envisioned me. The old me. With a backpack over her shoulder, a smile on her face, and was that one friend in your group that you can trust, who could always make everything feel alright.
And when I opened my eyes, she was there. Inert, frozen.
Seeing me pre-invasion was almost surreal. Only concerned with school and her friends. Not about the next atrocity or military move by minds and beings far greater than her. Not having her own mortality and power constantly on her mind. Not having to worry about one of her friends walking out the door and never coming back.
Some days, I wished I could be her again, not having to worry about anything this war has created. I knew it couldn't happen, but what I wouldn't give to have just one day of peace.
I stared at her, noticing just how different she looked. No hexagon-patterned skin, less muscles, non-yellow outlined irises- but it wasn't just that about her eyes. Something else about them had changed.
The look in her eyes. It was...difficult to describe, but it almost seemed warmer, more relaxed. Softer. With a wave, I summoned a mirror, looking in mine. My heart almost skipped a beat as I made the connection almost instantly. The look in mine was colder. Less emotional. Like there was some kind of determination behind them.
It was the look of someone else. Someone who had seen things they shouldn't.
I took a deep breath.
This is who you are now, Dawn.
This is what you decided to do.
This is only the beginning.
I snapped out of it, staring at the model me once more. As I looked at her, I began to wonder. If...if I had a chance to go back one year, and give the old me advice, what would I have said to her? Definitely something to talk to yates about, I was sure.
But what possibly could have prepared me for this? Fighting aliens with space magic and plasma weapons? There wasn't exactly a How to fight off genocidal maniacs 101 class as part of my academic course.
Maybe that's it. I couldn't have been totally ready for this. Sometimes, life just threw things your way and you had to deal with them. But was anyone really ever truly ready for something like this? Even the Commander of all people had to start from somewhere.
And I had to, too.
"I'm sorry." I finally said, staring at the younger me. I didn't even know why I was saying sorry. Why I felt guilty. Was it because of the growing up I had to do? The stress? The information I knew? Was that too much for me?
Maybe it was. My closest friend thought so. That was saying something.
So what could I do, then?
That, I would have to figure out myself.
Because if I didn't, I'd most certainly end up dead.
Praesidium, Entertainment Room #4- 11:50 AM
6/28/17
The Chancellor's speech was soon, and we were waiting. You could almost feel the anticipation in the crowd. All across the base, soldiers who weren't on a mission or in the medical bay had taken a short break to watch the upcoming address. We were excited to hear what she had to say, but I would be lying if I said there was a hint of concern.
It was Unification Day, one of the more important days in the history of ADVENT. Part of me would be a bit surprised if they didn't try to pull something during her speech. Maybe Patricia would hijack the broadcast and destroy something. Long, intimidating speeches akin to a supervillain didn't really seem like her kind of thing.
Or maybe Quisilia would just pull something. That would be mildly entertaining, albeit irritating.
More soldiers started to walk in, along with a few aliens. I'd recognized some of them from previous simulations, and gave them a simple nod or wave, which they responded to in kind. I felt more accepted, as no one was giving me strange looks anymore. I suppose that any new soldiers would give me a look, but that was something I'd gotten used to. As I took a sip of my drink, I stared at the screen again.
So much has changed. I've seen more than enough shit for one lifetime, and I haven't even seen real combat yet. I've seen the Earth (almost) unified, something I'd never thought I'd live to see. And, of course, the alien invasion. And me learning how to mind control and control cells. And the gene mods. That was...almost unbelievable only a year ago.
So much had changed, and I'd just taken it all in stride. It was almost surprising how much my life had veered off from what I'd intended, but you know what? It was something. I had friends, I had teachers that at first glance would seem absolutely insane, but in the end had taught me more about myself then almost anyone else in my life, spare my parents and a few school friends.
Sure, the technology and the mods and the weapons were cool, but if there was one thing that I enjoyed about it above all others, it was the camaraderie. Brotherhood. Standing together, and embracing what brought us together.
Before this, I'd had friends, but that was different. We cared for one another because of the time we spent together, and our shared interests. But here, in XCOM, the bond was different. Deeper. More serious. With the fear of the alien threat hanging over our heads, we knew it was our duty to stop them, whatever the cost. The training, The simulations. The times spent just talking to one another, talking about our lives, our experiences, and who we were before the war hit. It just felt more serious. More integral. Stronger.
And in the end, the friendships that I was making here meant more to me than almost anything. These bonds, the trust we'd built together would keep us alive, keep us together, and most importantly, gave us all a feeling of home.
Here, I felt purpose. I had goals, ones I could achieve, as ridiculous as they could sound. The people here cared, and could help in ways that I'd never imagined. I was a part of something great, greater than anything I'd ever imagined myself doing before this. I was part of one of the greatest organizations ever conceived by mankind, a pillar of hope and bravery against whatever could be thrown at us.
I was proud of who I was now.
"Watching the broadcast, are we?" My Borelian friend trudged next to me, sitting down.
"Yes. I didn't know you were interested."
"Well, of course I would be! Your Chancellor is a strong leader. Similar to some who once led our clan before unification. Less self-destructive, of course."
I raised an eyebrow, intending to ask what exactly she meant by that. However, I didn't get the chance - something was happening. The screen was getting darker.
"The hell?"
"Is there a technical malfunction?" She inquired, pulling out a tablet, accessing a livestream for a moment.
"Strange. It is also darker here. I wonder if this is some kind of Collective technology. If it is, I haven't seen or heard of it before."
Patricia's probably behind this. I thought to myself. I kept watching the screen, anxiously waiting for something to happen.
"Looks like an eclipse. Albeit an irregular one. Perhaps a-" Our phones rang in a collective succession as a notification popped up on our screens.
One directly from the Internal Council. The message was short and simple.
Hiveship has appeared over Turkey. Invasion force sighted. Squads will be notified for deployment momentarily.
I stared back at the TV screen, watching helplessly as it turned blacker.
Only night was natural - this most certainly wasn't.
This definitely was not a coincidence.
What the hell are you doing, Patricia? Trying out another of your intimidation tactics?
As I waited for the Chancellor to begin speaking, I felt like this was only the beginning of much worse things to come.
A/N: Alright, a minor update. I got some art of both Dawn, as well as the Ethereal basketball scene from the 'Letting Loose' chapter done by Zephyrus-Genesis. Her profile and the pictures will be linked below. Check it out- it's very good artwork. (For ff readers, you'll have to enter the links manually into the searchbar)
Artist's Profile: zephyrus-genesis
Dawn Artwork: zephyrus-genesis/art/XCOM-New-Blood-Dawn-Conley-845511589
Basketball Game Artwork: zephyrus-genesis/art/XCOM-New-Blood-Basketball-Game-843640111
To be continued in:
Nightfall