AN: Hi my dear readers!
I'm so excited, that I can finally say this: Chapter 10 is here!
This chapter is special to me because it's the one that started this entire story. As I told you I had the idea for this fanfic while listening to the song 'You Belong With Me' and back then I had one specific scene in mind, which is part of this chapter. The entire story is built around this initial scene, and I can't believe that one and a half years later I am finally sharing this with you (I think you will know what scene I am referring to, when you have read this chapter).
Further, chapter 10 is the longest and it's also my absolute favourite thing I have ever written up to this point (not just within YBWM but among all my works so far).
So, I'm more excited than ever to share this with you and I hope you enjoy reading it just as much. Though you might want to throw rotten tomatoes at me afterwards, I don't know…
Either way, I'm happy to hear what you think of it.
Chapter 10
01. November 1987
The sun had only rose minutes ago, which bathed the trees at the roadside into a dim light. There was no one to be seen, not a single car on the road ahead of her, just El on her bike. She pedalled monotonal without thinking about where she was going, because she knew the direction by heart. The cold morning brise was hitting her face and colouring her cheeks red, but she didn't spare it any second thought.
Her mind was occupied with reliving the past evening's events for the millionth time; the Halloween night with her friends, which had started off so promising, but that had soon been ruined by the appearance of Trish; followed by her raging emotions, that had left her bolder than she ever had been and had made her approach Mike in a way, she had never touched anyone before, but that had left her craving for more; and finally the argument between Trish and Mike, which was followed shortly by their own fallout.
And though she had replayed each scene to the last detail, she wasn't able to make sense of all of this. It was as if a movie was playing and she was just a bystander to all of it, and a drunk one at that. There was no other explanation to it, why she couldn't sort out the chaos in her head.
Ever since she had left the Wheeler's house, she felt like she was barely functioning and all rushed by in a blur, but nothing and no one got through to her.
Not her mum, who had opened her the door in surprise, when El had ringed unexpectedly at half past nine; she hadn't expected El to be back before the next morning, and so she had thought El had just forgotten something, and had come over to pick it up, but was even more surprised to learn that her daughter wasn't planning to go back to Mike's place; however El's face had told her enough to not prester her with unnecessary questions.
And also not Max, who had appeared a few minutes later with El's weekender bag in hand, that she had left behind after her unplanned departure; Mike's and her argument had been loud enough for the others to hear, and as soon as Max had understood the situation, she had left the boys behind to be with her friend.
El had been in her room by the time Max came over, where she had hidden the moment that she got home. She had laid on the bed in foetal position, staring somewhere into space, completely motionless, and all she had felt was pure exhaustion. She wasn't even able to produce any more tears, as if she had reached the limit of how much she could cry over a boy, and all that was left was a hollow feeling, which left a bitter taste in her mouth and a sickening emptiness in her stomach.
When Max had found her like that, she had set the bag aside and had crawled onto the bed, positioning herself behind El. She had not said a single word but had only moved one hand on top of El's arm, squeezing her affectionately. And that was how they had laid for an undefinable length of time; both lying on their sides, Max behind El, holding her tightly and providing the comfort that she had craved. They had stayed completely silent during that and El had felt an indescribable gratefulness for her friend, who just let her be and had not pestered her with countless questions, that El did not know the answers to.
With time passing, the remaining anger had slowly faded away and had made more room for grieve, and ultimately the tears had started to fall after all. From there on it had been a constant battle between phases where she had been shaken by fits of cries and phases where she had dried them in annoyance over shedding them in the first place. During all that Max had remained by her side until she had eventually spoken for the first time and had emphasized that El should retire to bed and that she would stay if she would be fine with that. El had only nodded her agreement and so both had put on some shirt to sleep in (El had given Max one of hers) and they had crawled under the sheets. Max had again slung one arm around El and before closing her eyes she had whispered, "I love you."
With that they had fallen asleep, well Max had, while El had remained in a dazed state, somewhere between the worlds of dreadful sleep and horrible awakening. All she had felt was numb from the mass of emotions and thoughts that had run through her mind, though none remained. They had just kept washing over her repetitively to hinder her from getting the much-needed rest.
Eventually, she had rose, no longer able to take the constriction of the sheets, and had walked downstairs to get something to drink. She had taken a glass to fill it with water from the kitchen sink, and just when she had been about to raise the glass up to her dry lips, her gaze had travelled over to the window, catching a distant light. It had shone so bright, in the otherwise dark cul-de-sac, that it had caught her attention the second her eyes had looked outside, and she knew right away where it was coming from; it was Mike's room that was illuminated by the ceiling light. And with that she had known that he was awake and up there because she doubted that Lucas, Will or Dustin would go upstairs at 6 in the morning. So, whatever had caused him to be awake that early on a Sunday morning, had made him leave his friends behind in the basement and seek the seclusion of his bedroom.
Somehow knowing that he had been awake, just on the other side of the street, had triggered the desire to run within El. It had felt too close, too intimate, like as if she had still been in his personal space, and she couldn't take it anymore.
She had put the glass aside, had rushed back upstairs, where Max had still been sleeping, and had quickly changed into a pair of jeans and a sweater, which she pulled from the piles of clothes, that were still lying around in her room from the prior evening's clothing debacle.
Trying not to wake her friend, she had written two short notes, one for Max and one for her mum, leaving the first one on the bedside table, and taking the other one down with her, to display it in the kitchen for her mum to find. After that she had quickly put on a jacket and her chucks, and with only grabbing her keys, she had left the house to get on her bike.
There was only one place she could think of, where she could go at this ungodly time on a Sunday morning, and though she knew she had a longer ride ahead of her to get to the other side of town, she had gratefully taken on the opportunity to bring as much space between her and Mike as possible.
It had still been dark when she had left Maple Street, but two thirds into the ride, the sun had started to rise, and now that she left the town behind her, she was grateful for the light that shone her the way; even though she knew her direction, the outskirts of Hawkins with their dense forests were kind of spooky at night.
And the more she distanced herself from home, the better she felt and the better she could think. For the first time since the previous evening the air seemed to reach her lungs again and the heavy feeling that had been pressing down on her chest seemed to be lifted.
With a newfound boost of energy El pedalled a little quicker to reach her destination faster and after a few more minutes she left the road to turn onto a small lane between the trees.
The last part of the trip was taking her further into the woods and she was pretty shaken by riding over the bumpy forest ground. Someone who didn't know their way around would have never thought that this lane was straight heading towards a little shack. It had been built by her great-grandpa and her dad had moved here when her parents had broken off for good. What initially had been a short-term solution turned into something permanent, as Hopper claimed he liked the peace and quiet of the woods; dealing with the troubles of the Hawkins' citizens on a daily basis, he was glad when he could retreat to the loneliness of the cabin after a nerve-wracking day. And El had come to share that love for the solitude of the little cabin in the woods with him.
She passed a few more trees and then the wooden building came into view, with her dad's Chevrolet parked in front of it. But next to it was a second car, a green Ford Pinto, and El knew that her dad was not alone on this Sunday morning. She had hoped that it would only be the two of them, but she was also not going back home at this point.
She discarded the bike on the forest ground and walked up the few stairs to the front door, knocking on it, "Hi, dad!", she screamed loud enough, so that he would awake, "It's me, El."
It took a few minutes of pounding against the door, but finally she heard some shuffling from the inside and the door was opened by her surly looking dad, "El, what the hell are you doing here? Do you know what time it is?!"
"Yes, I'm sorry, dad, but can I come in?", she asked while looking up to the man, who was only dressed in some sweatpants and still looked half asleep.
"Uhm, yeah… sure.", he mumbled and stepped aside to let his daughter in.
El walked past him and entered the cabin's living room with the integrated kitchen area. Just in that moment, Joyce emerged from her father's bedroom, dressed in one of his lumberjack shirts, that reached down to her knees on the small woman's frame.
"Morning, sweetheart!", the lively woman greeted her.
"Hi.", El replied a little embarrassed to disturb their alone time, "I'm sorry for barging in like that and waking you both up."
"Don't worry about it.", Joyce brushed her off, but her dad snorted heavily from his position at the door. "Ignore him!", she noted, while she approached El and lay an arm around her shoulder, "You know how he's not a morning person. Jim, why don't you brew some coffee for us, and you El sit down with me on the couch and tell me what brings you here so early on a Sunday morning?!", she instructed in a motherly manner.
Without waiting for an answer from neither father nor daughter, she guided El towards the sofa, placing a blanket over her, "Here, you must be cold from coming all the way up here."
"Thanks.", El mumbled gratefully, while her dad started his work in the kitchen.
"So, you want to tell me what's up?", Joyce interrogated kindly.
El contemplated her options for a moment; she wasn't really in the mood to open up to her dad's girlfriend about everything that had happened the prior night, but she also knew that she owed them an explanation for waking them up, so she finally mumbled, "We had a fight…"
The older woman's eyebrows slightly drew together in concern, "You had a fight on your Halloween sleepover?"
"Not all of us.", El hastily jumped in to explain. She didn't want Will's mum to worry about him. "Just me and Mike did."
"Okay, I see. Do you want to tell me what it was about?"
"Uhm, not really…", she spoke with her attention turned towards her hands. "But I couldn't stay there any longer, and somehow being at home still felt too close; I just needed a little distance you know. That's why I came here."
Joyce nodded in understanding, "That's fine, and you can always come here."
"Just preferably not at the verge of dawn…", her dad stated grumpily, as he approached them with three mugs of steaming coffee in his hands.
"Jim…", his girlfriend sighed and rolled her eyes at him. El could sense that they had a silent conversation turned away from her and finally Hopper mumbled bashfully, "Sorry kiddo. Of course, you can always come at any time."
She laughed internally at seeing her dad being whipped by a woman; she couldn't remember him ever acting so lovestruck. "It's okay, dad.", she assured him. "And I'm truly sorry for waking you up. I just couldn't stay there any longer…"
"So, what did Wheeler do to piss you off like that?"
"Rather what he didn't do…", she hissed before she could stop herself and while she nipped on her coffee. Her dad grumbled, ready to come up with more questions, and so she hurried to add, "But I don't wanna talk about it."
She understood that he wanted answers as to why she drove across town this early in the morning, but she wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone about it, much less to her dad and his girlfriend. "Can I just stay here for the day to clear my head a little?"
"Sure, El.", Joyce jumped in on behalf of her dad, "Stay as long as you need."
Hopper sighed in defeat, that he wouldn't get any details from his daughter, so he just asked, "Does your mum know that you're here?"
"Yes, I left her a note before I went out."
"Okay, but I still want you to call her later when she is awake, so that she doesn't need to worry if you made it here.", he instructed and El nodded in agreement, knowing that it wouldn't make much sense to argue with him, especially before he had finished the first coffee of the day.
They fell into a comfortable silence, that was only interrupted by the noises of them slurping their hot beverages, and after a while Hopper switched on the television to watch some rerun of Knight Rider.
With that the morning passed by as they watched episode after episode, drank coffee and ate eggs with toast, that Joyce made at some point. When she was sure that her mum had woken up, El called her to let her know that she arrived safely at her dad's house and she learned in return, that Max had left a bit prior to her call to go back to the Wheeler's.
Shortly after noon El felt the effects of her lack of sleep crushing in on her, and she finally decided to catch up on it in her bedroom in the cabin. She excused herself and went into the room, where she laid down on the bed and fell asleep right away.
When she woke up again, her whole body was aching with the sleepiness still engraved in her bones, and her throat was scratching, which ultimately was the reason for her to stand up and walk into the living area.
Her dad was sitting at the dining table, hovering above some paperwork, but he looked up as soon as she entered the kitchen. "Do you feel some better?"
El solely nodded in response and proceeded into the kitchen to get something to drink for her dry throat. She rummaged through the cupboards and finally decided to prepare herself some hot chocolate. As she heated the milk on the stove, she turned back to her dad, "Where is Joyce?"
"She left to go home and check on Will and get changed.", he replied before he paused for a few seconds until he continued, "Uhm, you know, we had planned to go out this night. But she told me that I shall let you know that she wouldn't be mad, if you want me to stay here with you…"
"Oh no, that's fine.", El hastily cut in; she didn't want them to cancel their plans for her. "You should go on your date."
It was her dad's turn to nod, "Okay, if you're sure about this… So, shall I drive you back home before we leave?"
She stopped stirring the milk upon hearing the words. The truth was she had put the thought of going back home aside, as it also meant thinking about Mike, and she didn't feel ready to contemplate the mess that was her current life, but now that she was confronted with it, she realized she wasn't ready for any of it. "About that…", she started hesitantly, "Would you mind, if I stay for the night?"
"But don't you have school tomorrow?", he asked in astonishment.
"Yes, I do. But I thought you could maybe drive me home in the morning to get my stuff and then drop me off at school?", she whispered while fumbling with her fingers. El knew it was a lot to ask from him, because he had to drive across town early on a Monday morning, but she just couldn't go back, yet.
Hopper eyed her up for a few seconds, that kept dragging on and left her on edge, while she awaited his reply. "You really don't want to face Wheeler at the moment, do you?", he finally asked.
"No and I would be glad if I could stay this far away for the night."
"He really must have messed up then…", he grumbled more to himself than to his daughter and she chose not to comment that. After some more contemplation, he finally made up his mind, "Okay, you can stay here, and I will drive you tomorrow morning." El's face immediately lit up in appreciation, which caused her dad to quickly continue, "But – under two conditions, first this will be a single exception; I don't want to get in trouble with your mum for messing with our weekly routine; and second, you call her and get her permission for this sleepover."
She hastily nodded in agreement, "Yes, sure! Thanks dad."
"Yeah, yeah.", he waved her off, "You're still okay with Joyce and me going out though? If you need me to stay, I can do so."
"No, that's not necessary. You two should enjoy your time alone. I'm sorry I crashed your day already; I don't want to do the same with your evening plans. I will be fine on my own here."
Her dad accepted her explanation and returned to his paperwork, while El finished preparing her hot chocolate. After that, she quickly called her mum for the second time that day and explained the change in plans. Luckily, Terry gave her approval for it, and El hang up relived.
With the issue of her sleeping arrangements solved, El grabbed her dad's Walkman, a cassette from her room, threw on a few warm clothes and picked up the hot drink from the kitchen before she walked out of the house onto the front porch; though it was cold, she needed some fresh air to clear her head.
She sat down on the bench, that she and her dad had built together a few years ago, put on the headphones, and pressed play while closing her eyes. It was a mix tape that Max had made for her last birthday and it was full of songs of "Superwomen", how Max had called them, like Madonna, Cyndi, or Kate, whose 'Running Up That Hill' was the first track on the playlist. A smile spread over El's face as she thought back to the summer when Max had listened to this song nonstop.
With the first tones carrying her off into another universe, and the hot chocolate at the tip of her tongue, the sweet smell mingling with the scents of the surrounding forest, she felt free for the first time to open her mind for the pain that kept her in a death grip.
It doesn't hurt me (yeah, yeah, yo)
Do you wanna feel how it feels? (Yeah, yeah, yo)
Do you wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me? (Yeah, yeah, yo)
Do you wanna hear about the deal that I'm making? (Yeah, yeah, yo)
You
It's you and me
It always had been Mike and she, they had been a unity, a constant, a manifestation. She had been sure of their unbreakable bond, that no matter what happened they would remain friends till the end of their days. Her developing feelings had surely complicated things, but she had been willing to tame them down as best as possible in favour of their friendship. El had been incredibly scared that he would find out about the deepness of her love for him, and he would turn away from her, not able to handle the awkwardness of not returning them. But never in her wildest dreams had she imagined that the fact that he was feeling the same would slowly drift them apart. Whenever she had given in to the daydreams of him loving her back, they always had been filled with beautiful declarations of love, romantic gestures of affection and passionate kisses. But never had they featured heart-wrenching glances, unsatisfied longing, and an ever-present hurt, that was poisoning her frail heart.
And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get Him to swap our places
Be runnin' up that road
Be runnin' up that hill
Be runnin' up that building
Say, if I only could, oh
However, reality was that he kept pushing her away, despite his feelings for her, and he risked hurting her over and over again. She knew him well enough to be sure that he wasn't doing it intentionally, but it kept happening and she was done with it.
She had endured it all and had patiently waited for him to sort out his emotions, but it seemed like he was still determined to run away from them. Didn't he realize that he hurt her with his constant rejection and that it was exactly this, that caused a rift in their relationship?
He expected her to accept the decision, that he had made for both, and to act like nothing had changed between them. But everything had changed, and she was not willing to go back to the old times, not when she knew that their future had the potential to be much brighter.
You don't wanna hurt me (yeah, yeah, yo)
But see how deep the bullet lies (yeah, yeah, yo)
Unaware I'm tearin' you asunder (yeah, yeah, yo)
Oh, there is thunder in our hearts (yeah, yeah, yo)
Is there so much hate for the ones we love? (Yeah, yeah, yo)
Oh, tell me, we both matter, don't we? (Yeah, yeah, yo)
El knew what she wanted with a clarity that she had never experienced before; she wanted Mike, all of him, and not just the side she got as his best friend, but also the side that was reserved for a lover only. She had gotten a glimpse at what this could be like, and she just couldn't pretend now that it never happened. It felt like a charade that they were playing, where they were lying to the world, but even more to themselves, and El was no longer willing to play along. He had no right to decide their fate, not when it was hurting her the way it did.
And though staying away from him was almost impossible and her heart was aching for him, it was far more painful to be constantly pushed away and to witness the denial of his feelings. She felt betrayed and exposed; he was the one person that she trusted the most and she had never hesitated to entrust him with her heart, but instead of keeping it safe, he refused to take it and rather left it in the open to die away.
You
It's you and me
It's you and me
Won't be unhappy
But she was going to stop that never-ending holding pattern to protect her heart from shattering beyond repair, because El feared that the next blow would be the one which would kill the last bit of steadfastness she still possessed. There was only so much a single person could endure and she had definitely reached her limit with yesterday's fight.
"I can't do this anymore." This had been the last words she had spoken to him, and she had meant every single one of them; they had reached a fork in their road, and they had to decide which path to take, but a wrong decision could mean to lose everything they had; the trust for each other, the comfort they had always felt in each other's present, their friendship.
And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get Him to swap our places
Be runnin' up that road
Be runnin' up that hill
Be runnin' up that building (yo)
Say, if I only could, oh
A lump formed in her throat just from thinking about losing the one person that meant everything to her; the one that had been by her side right from the beginning, the one that had faced all her ups and downs, the one that knew all her characteristics and faults.
Mike was her past and present, but the question was if he would also be her future. She dearly hoped so, because she had never envisioned a future without him by her side, no matter if as her friend or her partner, he had been an inherent part of what lay ahead of her. But now this image was fading, and El was no longer sure, if he would truly be there.
She wanted nothing more, than to put aside all the issues that currently lay between them, but she knew that her heart was at risk, and so she had to first and foremost protect herself from any more heartbreak.
You (yeah, yeah, yo)
It's you and me
It's you and me
Won't be unhappy (yeah, yeah, yo)
Oh, come on, baby (yeah)
Oh, come on, darlin' (yo)
Let me steal this moment from you now
Oh, come on, angel
Come on, come on, darlin'
Let's exchange the experience (yo), oh, ooh, ooh
It all lay now in Mike's hand; she had waited for him patiently and she had offered him all, but he kept refusing her. And as she had told him, she was done with this constant back and forth. He had to come clean with his feelings and decide what he truly wanted; either he would finally take the risk and be with her or he would refuse them both a happy life together. Though if he decided to follow the second path, she couldn't tell if she would be around any longer to play a part in it. She felt like they were stuck in this hopeless situation, where there were only two possibilities to choose from; be together or part forever, and she hoped with all her aching heart that he would choose the right path for the both of them.
The last chorus of the song was playing, while El sipped on her hot chocolate, the sweetness washing away some of the bitter taste in her mouth. Unfortunately, it couldn't wash away any of the issues that were pressing down on her, and which kept spinning around in her head. She felt paralyzed, incapable to actively change the situation, as the key for it seemed to lie in Mike's hand, and it would be so easy to just accept her fate and wait for his final decision, but of course it wasn't that simple, so she was forced to keep wondering and worrying.
A sigh escaped her lips, while a new track started, but her attention was soon pulled away from the playing song to an approaching car; it was Joyce returning to the cabin for her impending date with Hopper. She parked in front of a row of trees to walk up the remaining distance to the building. Approaching, her gaze fell on the petite girl seated on the porch, dressed in her oversized sweater and headphones on, the feet placed on the bench, so that her knees were angled in front of her body, and a cup placed in both hands.
She smiled at El caringly and silently asked to sit down next to her by gesturing with her head towards the free place on her left. El nodded in agreement and took the headphones down to place them around her neck, while the older woman took a seat.
For some time, they both stared straight ahead into the woods without speaking a word, and it was El who finally broke the silence, "How did you and my dad came to be?", she asked, surprising Joyce, who hadn't expected that question. "He doesn't tell me much about these things, but I know you two were once together in High School, but apparently it didn't work out. However, I see the two of you now and I was wondering why it didn't work last time, but it obviously does this time."
Joyce didn't turn towards her as she spoke, "I guess it wasn't the right time back then. We were young, we were naïve, and we did mistakes… both of us.", she recalled, an absent smile on her face, as if she were lost in some old memories.
"But how do you know it's the right time now?", El asked further.
The other woman finally turned away from the scenery of the autumn forest and smiled directly at her, "You never know it; however, it does feel right this time."
She contemplated her words for a few seconds, still searching for the answer to her lingering question, "What makes it feel right for you?"
Now it was Joyce turn to think about her words for a moment, before she replied, "I think because we are both willing to make it work."
"And you didn't have that will when you were younger?"
"Not to the same extent, no. But now that we experienced what it means to be without each other, we know that being apart is harder, than working through an obstacle, together."
El let the words sink in, while she stared at the cup in her hands, which was progressively becoming colder from the November breeze. She thought about her situation with Mike, how she wanted nothing more than to make him stop fighting his feelings and be with him. She was willing to make it work, but the longer she was in this battle alone, the less she was sure if she could keep on doing it.
"But what if only one side is trying to make it work?", she finally asked.
Joyce smiled at her sadly, "Well, then it's either not the right time or the right person."
Upon her words, El's head shot up and she glared at the woman sitting next to her. She didn't like the implication that Mike might not be the right person for her, but before she could say anything, Joyce beat her to it, "But I don't think it's the case with you and Mike."
El was a little surprised, that Joyce seemed to have read her thoughts, and she wondered how much she actually knew; had she been talking about Mike and her with Hopper, with Will, or was El just this easy to read?
However, she didn't question it and let the older woman continue, "I know the two of you since you befriended Will in kindergarten, and you are nothing like Lonnie and I for example. We were never right for each other, even though there was a time we both thought we were. No, you and Mike are nothing like that! I think it's maybe just not your time, yet."
Though she calmed down again, Joyce's words still didn't satisfy her. "But how long am I supposed to wait? I don't want to wait almost 30 years, like dad and you did, to finally be with him.", she blurted out, not even blushing over the fact that she admitted towards one of her best friend's' mom, that she desired to be in a relationship with Mike.
"I don't think you have to wait that long, sweetheart.", Joyce said knowingly, "But however long it may take, it will be right when the time comes."
El nodded absentmindedly, though the unsatisfied feeling in her stomach remained. She somehow had hoped to get the answers, which would solve all her problems, but probably only Mike was able to give her that.
The cracking of the front door drew both women's attention to the father and boyfriend standing there. "Hey kiddo, don't you think you were long enough out in the cold- ", he started before his gaze fell on Joyce. El observed how his usually stoic face immediately turned a bit brighter and something sparkled in his eyes, that she only saw in his look when it fell on the lively woman next to her. "Joyce! I didn't know you were back already."
"I just came over a few minutes ago.", she replied, "And El and I talked for a bit."
Hopper looked at the two of them questioningly, but apparently decided against asking what they had talked about, when he moved on, "Alright. So shall we head out or do you still need some more time for whatever you had to discuss?"
Joyce turned her attention back to El, silently asking her, if she wanted to continue their talk, but she said, "No, it's fine. You two can go on your date.", and already sensing her dad's next words, she added, "And don't worry, I will come inside in a few minutes."
"Uhm, okay.", he acknowledged, and turning back inside he rather grumbled to himself, "Don't want you to catch a cold out there."
She smiled at her dad's concern over her, while Joyce stood up to follow her boyfriend. Just as she was about to vanish inside, El spoke again one last time.
"Joyce?", she asked, causing her to halt and turn back, her soft eyes encouraging her to continue, "Do you ever regret that you and dad didn't make it right away? I mean, you lost so much time with each other, and you will never get it back."
A smile broke out on the small woman's face, surprising El, who had rather expected sadness or regret to show there. "No, I don't. Sure, it would have been nice to spend a whole life with your dad, but we needed the time to become the people, that we are right now. We had to live our own lives first before we were ready for our life together. And by that he got you as his wonderful daughter, and I got Will and Jonathan. So no, there is nothing to regret."
El nodded another time, hearing the truths in her words, and with a last encouraging smile Joyce pushed the door open and went into the cabin.
She remained on the bench for another few minutes, sipping the rest of the chocolate, that was long cold by now, letting everything sink in before she finally stood up, stretched her sore limbs, and went back inside herself, where she made herself comfortable on the couch.
Soon after, Joyce and Hopper bid their goodbye, not without her dad asking another time, if she was fine with being on her own for the evening, which she confirmed by saying that she was no little kid anymore, and that she could easily entertain herself for a few hours.
She passed some time switching through the different TV channels, not really setting on something to properly watch and when her stomach started to rumble from the lack of food within the past 24 hours (she had only eaten a few bites of Joyce's breakfast earlier this day), she got up and made herself one of her dad's microwave dishes. Though the meat was dry, and the vegetables were mushy, she finished it in no time, only realizing how hungry she truly had been, when she started to take the first few bites.
Afterwards she sat back down on the couch, a blanket placed over her cold feet, listening to the sounds of the outside world, as she was not in the mood to turn the television back on.
She heard the wind rustling through the trees, carrying the colourful leaves away, and the sound of thunder, still miles away, but she was certain that the storm would reach them soon and she was excited for it to come, because there was nothing more peaceful to her than the rain drumming against the cabin roof, while she lay comfortably on the sofa or in her bed. The perspective made her look forward to hopefully a more restful night ahead of her.
She was just about to contemplate if she should leave her cushy spot to get a book from her room, when a knock cut through the otherwise silent place. El's heart was hammering; who could it be at that time of the day? She didn't expect her dad and Joyce to be back just yet and she doubted anyone would come over to visit on a Sunday evening. Her irrational mind came immediately up with some murderer waiting for her outside, but the more logic part of her knew, that they usually didn't knock before attacking their victim; she likely had watched too many horror movies with Max by now, messing with her imagination.
She took a deep breath to calm her nerves and went to the window to look, but it was pitch-black outside by now, and living so far away from town, there were no artificial lights to illuminate the surroundings of the cabin, other than the light, that shone through the living room window, that she stood at in this very moment.
Another knock sounded followed by someone saying, "El? El, please open up. I know you're there."
She immediately knew who that someone was and suddenly she rather wished it had been the knife wielding murderer instead.
In a desperate attempt to hide, she took a step to the side, leaning her back against the cabin wall, pleading the universe to make him go away, but Mike wasn't playing along to that game, "El, come on! Please, I want to talk.", and as she still didn't make a move he continued, "I know you are in there. Your mum told me where to find you and I see the lights are on, so please, open the door!"
She closed her eyes, trying to block him out by surrounding herself with darkness; she just wasn't ready to face him yet, not when his words of the prior night still hurt the way they did, and she didn't even know how to go on from here. She had tried the whole day to find the answers she was searching for, but all she had come up with was her determination to avoid him and bring as much space between them as possible. However, he had thwart that plan by following her out into the seclusion of her dad's cabin.
"EL!", he screamed, accompanied by another set of heavy knocks against the door. "You can't leave me standing out here. It's about to start raining and it's cold, so please let me in.", he pleaded, and she felt her determination crumbling.
With sweaty palms and breathing unsteadily, she slowly approached the front door, which Mike still hammered against, "Seriously, El! Please open this goddamn door or I might have to kick it in! It's fucking freezing and all I want is to talk and… ", but the rest of the sentence died on the tip of his tongue, when he was met by the girl finally standing in front of him.
She stared at him in a mixture of anger and anxiety, while he looked back at her in surprise to see her and embarrassment for his excessive screaming. "Hi.", he whispered sheepishly.
"You know, today is your lucky day, because my dad isn't here.", she shot at him sassily without any greeting, "If he would have heard how you threatened to destroy his door and hammered against it like a maniac, he would have made you wish you never came over here in the first place."
Mike was taken off guard by the unusual annoyance laced in her voice, but as soon as he overcame the first shock, he responded to her in an equally unnerved tone, "If your dad was here, all of that wouldn't have been necessary, because he would have opened the door upon the first knock, like any normal people do."
She raised a challenging eyebrow at him, "What makes you so sure of that?! If I were you, I would be a little bit more concerned about what he currently thinks of me."
"WHAT?", he asked in disbelief, not able to follow up on what she was saying, "What is that supposed to…?"
But he stopped himself from finishing the question, closed his eyes instead for a second and inhaled deeply to sort out his thoughts.
A lot calmer he started over, "Okay, enough with this talk about your dad. Can I please come in, El? I wasn't joking when I said that it's freezing cold out here."
She eyed him up, his pleading expression softening her annoyance, and finally she gave in with a sigh, stepping aside to let him enter the warm living room.
Seeing him in the clear light, she realized he wore nothing more than a sweater and she suddenly felt a little guilty for keeping him outside for this long, as it must have been truly cold for him. He studied her and somehow guessed what she was thinking, when he answered her unspoken question: "I have not really expected to ride across town to talk to you, when I went over to your house… Well and I guess after I learned that you're not at home I kinda forgot to get an additional jacket, so…", he explained, letting the unfinished sentence hang in the air between them.
El nodded in reply and crossed the arms in front of her chest, as if she could shield herself this way from all the emotions that threatened to overpower her.
"So…?!", she repeated, half asking him to continue and half acknowledging that they were both here now and that all the unspoken words of the past were hanging above them, waiting to finally come out into the open.
"Yeah, so…", Mike sighed in defeat, "I think we need to talk."
"Oh, you think so?! I wouldn't have guessed from the way you tracked me down here and disturbed my otherwise peaceful evening.", El commented, her voice heavy with sarcasm. She couldn't stop herself; her pain over his words of the prior night was still raw and she used this harsh demeanour as a shield to hide her true feelings. Her heart was already fractured at too many places, and it was left in a fragile state.
The boy standing half a meter away looked at her frustrated, his tall stature angled down towards her in an attempt to be on eye level with the way shorter girl, whose own eyes were glaring back at him. "El, please… Don't make this so hard…."
"No, Mike! You are the one complicating everything and as I told you yesterday, I'm done playing along with that!"
"And what does that supposed to mean?", he shot back, his calmness slowly fading away again, upon the girl's attacks.
El took a deep breath to calm herself enough to not outright scream at him; she always had guarded his slight obliviousness as a cute trait, but lately it was driving her mad beyond words. "It means, that you can't just come barking in here and finally exclaim that we should talk, after you refused to do the same over the past weeks!"
"That's not fair, El! We have been talking and…"
She cut him off right there before he could say some more, "Seriously, Mike? You call that talking?!"
He only stared back at her with obvious confusion written on his face, so she further elaborated. "We haven't talked about anything. All you have done is drawing lines, though you kept crossing them yourself all the time and I have let you. But I will hear nothing of this any longer, so either we truly talk, or I must ask you to leave, because I can't do this anymore!"
Mike was frozen in place, shocked by the definitiveness in her voice; he clearly hadn't expected her to speak this outright and openly with him. "What am I supposed to do?", he snapped at her, "Can't you see, that I really try my best to get everything back to normal, like it was before."
"Like it was before what?", El asked challengingly.
He ran one of his hands through his hair, like he always did when he felt uncomfortable, "You know exactly what I'm talking about."
"That's the thing, Mike!", she accused exasperated, "I don't, I DON'T know what you are talking about! You only assume that I know, but how am I supposed to know these things if you don't say it! You expect me to understand all these riddles that you are speaking, but I'm tired of trying to follow up on this."
A frustrated groan left his lips, and he shortly closed his eyes, before he somewhat mumbled, "I'm talking about the Homecoming dance…."
As the words finally left his mouth, he shot his eyes back open, glaring at her, "Here, I said it. Are you happy now?! Yes, I'm talking about this godforsaken dance, and I just try to get everything back to normal ever since!"
El's heart was hammering in her chest, as they finally approached the matter that they had so carefully avoided in the past few weeks, but she tried to cover her own nerves with another snarky remark, "See, now we're talking!"
"Oh fuck, El, please stop this! I'm really trying to make an effort here."
Another comeback lay on the tip of her tongue, but she held it back, deciding against it and instead moving forward with their discussion, "Okay, let's talk about the Homecoming dance then."
They fell silent, both staring at one another and daring the other one to speak first. El was inhaling deeply, trying to calm the fluttering feeling in her stomach. They finally were at the verge to go back to the events of this fateful night, and though she had thought about this talk countless times already, the nervousness threatened to silence her in this moment.
Eventually, it was Mike taking the first step and surprising her with his blunt statement, "I can't stop thinking about it!"
She gaped at him, no longer silenced by her nerves, but the shock over hearing him admitting this without any further ado. However, he seemed to expect no response, as he continued, "I think about it constantly and it's driving me insane! It keeps replaying in my head and I can't seem to stop it; you just look at me and I'm right back there… on the dancefloor… with you."
His dark eyes stared down at her with an intensity, that made her shiver, but his tone had an outraged edge to it, "And I hate it! I fucking hate to have these thoughts about you, El!"
Her breath got caught in her throat and she had problems to get the next words out, being more of a weakly croak. "It's okay...", she hoarsely started to say, in an attempt to reassure him, that she didn't mind him having these thoughts about her – rather the contrary, but he immediately cut her off.
"No, El! Nothing about this IS OKAY!", he exclaimed, his voice slightly rising with anger, "And I'm sorry I messed up that night. Believe me if I could go back, I would change what happened, but I can't."
Hearing him say the last sentence, brought back all the fury of the past minutes. "So, what are you saying?", she shot back, getting louder as she spoke, "That you regret dancing with me?" And almost kissing me, she added in her head, but didn't dare to say it.
"If it would mean that I wouldn't have messed with our friendship, then yes, I very much wish for it to have never happened!"
She glared up at him; how dare him to wish that this moment between them had never occurred, not when it had been the most blissful one of her life. His words were like a knife being pushed right into her heart and the pain fuelled her anger, "Yeah, but it did, so what are you gonna do about it now?!", she half screamed at him, "Keep on pretending like it never happened? Because as I told you last night, I'm done with this charade!"
"Can't you see that I'm only trying to protect what we have?!", the boy in front of her argued; the volume of his voice meeting hers.
"And what is THAT, Mike?", El shouted, "Do you mean the thing where we keep lying to ourselves THAT WE ARE JUST FRIENDS?!"
Mike stared down at her in desperation to make her see his point, "But we are just friends and that's ALL WE CAN EVER BE!"
"WHY?", she pushed further, the anger over his rejection starting to cloud her mind, "YOU KNOW THERE IS MORE!"
"El, don't…", he begged, shaking his head, as if this could erase her words.
But there was nothing stopping her at this point, "Or what, Mike? Are you afraid that I could speak the truth? Are you afraid to hear, that I can perfectly see how you look at me, how you flirt with me, how you touch me? What is it? WHY DO YOU KEEP ON LYING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS?"
He had dropped his gaze during her outburst, staring down at his feet. "There's nothing to lie about.", he said considerably quieter than before.
She huffed in annoyance, not believing a word he said, "Then look me in the eyes and tell me you don't feel anything."
"El, that has nothing to do with all of this…", he sighed, still not looking at her.
"No, you're wrong, it has to do with everything!", she angrily poked him into his chest with her index finger, causing him to look back up in surprise. "Tell me honestly that you don't feel anything for me, and I will shut up."
He shook his head another time, refusing to comply. "El, please…", he begged, calming down her rage a bit, when she heard the obvious distress in his voice, "It doesn't matter how I feel!"
Mike's sad eyes were staring down at her, and it was another stab to her heart, because no matter how angry she was at him, it pained her to see him like this. However, she couldn't let it pass, not this time, not now, not when they were finally somewhat honest with each other. So, she pushed on, though much less angry than before, "Why Mike? Why doesn't it matter?"
"Because…", he started hesitantly, his hand running through his hair again nervously, "because…", fighting an inner battle to share what was hidden in his heart. "Because I'm afraid of losing you!", he finally blurted out.
There was momentarily shock written on his face over the fact that he had truly shared this bit of information with her and then it morphed into the desperation, that he had already displayed earlier, staring at her intensely to make her understand, "For gods' sake… I can't lose you El!"
It was another one of these moments, that left her speechless and confused. "I-I don't understand…", she finally whispered, searching his eyes filled with sadness, "Why would you lose me?"
A sigh escaped his lips, but he started to explain nonetheless, "Because telling you how I feel will only complicate everything between us and we can't go back after that. Maybe it will be fine in the beginning, but after a while you will realize that this was a mistake, that I'm not worth the effort, because I fucked up big time, like I always do. But by then it's too late to go back to how things were before and I can't stand the thought that you won't be a part of my life; that you will pass me by in the street and pretend that you don't see me, because whatever memories you have of us are too painful." He took a deep breath after he said all that without a pause, before he added, "You are the most important person in my life. Maybe things are not perfect, but they are as best as they can get and I can't ask you for more, not when the stakes are to possibly lose you forever!"
"Mike…", she whispered, her heart hammering from the words he had said, finally starting to understand. "I…"
"Please leave it at that!", he interrupted her quickly, obviously not willing to dive into this any further.
However, she couldn't let it pass, not this time, when they were far too gone for that already. She just needed to find the right words to make him see, that his fears were unfounded, that whatever dark future he painted in his head, was nothing more than a delusion, and that they could make it work, if they were willing to do the effort. Because like Joyce had said, not being with him was far more painful, than trying to work things out together.
But as she stared up at him, searching for the words, she lost herself in the moment, and whatever she had planned to say, got lost with it.
She didn't know what made her do it; what kind of force pushed her over the edge. Maybe it were his pleading eyes, begging her to understand, or his heaving chest and shallow breath, speaking of his desperately beating heart, or it were his parted lips, offering so much more than the words he said to her.
Whatever it was, she did the step forward, that closed the remaining space between them, crossing the invisible line that had existed from the day they had become friends, and she placed her lips on his.
A jolt went through her body, that electrified each cell and quickened her heartbeat; she could feel the blood rushing to her face and to her mouth, where her sensitive lips got in contact with his, and the sound of her heart was ringing in her ears.
Her eyes had closed as soon as this higher power had taken over her actions and she had leaned in towards him, and therefore she was surrounded by darkness, only accompanied by all the new sensations that came crushing down on her and by everything that was HIM.
Mike! It was just Mike, but in this moment she needed nothing more than him, and she didn't think that she would need anything else ever again, than his lean stature hovering above her, while she angled up her head and pushed her weight on the pad of her feet to reach his soft lips, her hands placed flat on his chest to steady her posture, causing her to feel the rapid beating of his heart under the palm of her right hand, being in takt with her own hammering one, and his well-known scent flooded her system, clouding her mind and letting her drift off further into the dreamlike state she found herself in.
And then her lips started to move as if on their own account, and she knew she was doomed to crave this feeling for the rest of her life, as all the sensations of the prior seconds intensified to unknown dimensions, due to the pleasurable friction caused by the movements of her mouth on his.
She had long ago stopped counting the nights, that she had dreamed about kissing him, no matter if these had been little pecks on the cheek or passionate make out session, where she smooched him till her alarm would wake her up and call her back to reality. However, nothing had come close to how she felt now that she kissed a boy for the very first time.
El couldn't say if kissing always made you feel like this, but something in herself told her, that this went beyond anything she would have experienced with any other boy, as waves of hot and cold flushed over her and her knees became weak, no longer able to hold her own weight, causing her to cling to his chest more desperately to prevent herself from falling to the ground and loosing this heavenly connection.
Everything of the past few seconds had caused her mind to draw blank, as El was purely controlled by her instincts taking the lead, and so she hadn't even spared a thought about Mike's reaction to her attack. She only realized what she had done, when he moved for the first time; if she had been in a clearer state of mind, she would have expected him to push her away, leaving her in embarrassment over what she had done, but the more it surprised her, when he suddenly encircled her with his long arms and responded to her in kind.
A whimper escaped her lips, that would have mortified her in any other situation, but which was now silenced by his moving lips on hers, without sparing it a second thought. If anything, it only caused him to intensify the pressure of his hands on her back, as if he was afraid that she could take a step back from him. He pressed her to himself full force, so that her own arms got trapped in-between their bodies, while her hands still lay on his chest, where she had placed them when she had taken the step forward.
Following him in his desire to erase any space between them, she moved her hands upwards, slowly putting them around his neck, so that now he was able to fully press her into him, their heaving chests crashing into each other.
It was like they were a puzzle, that was finally complete in the exact moment that their two bodies met, fitting perfectly as if they were made to come together in this way.
El let herself fall into the feeling of his large hands on her back, holding her in place, while her legs were too weak to do the same. Her insides were a turmoil of butterflies, that rushed through her system, and the loud beating of her hammering heart, that rang in her ears.
But everything was overshadowed by his sinfully soft lips, that brushed over her own in a playful dance of caress and passion. He seemed to know exactly when to intensify the pressure and withdraw it again, leaving her helpless in his arms, so all she could do was follow his lead and respond to the pace he set.
The sensations were almost too much for her and still she craved more with each passing second. Trying to claim more of him, her hands at the back of his neck started to move upwards to the hem of his hair, slowly weaving their way into the jumble of curls and getting lost in-between his silklike strands.
A sudden growl from Mike cut through the air and made her entire body shiver; she had never heard such a sound before, which was so raw, almost vulnerable, and dominant at the same time. It excited her in ways unknown to her up to this point, as she felt an intoxicating mixture of being desired and having a tempting power over him, causing the heat to rise in herself and the breath to get stuck in her throat.
As if Mike wanted to repay her for her wandering hands, he removed his right one from her back and placed it on the side of her head instead, leaving a burning trail where his fingers brushed over her sensitive skin. She was at his mercy, and he knew she was lost to the touch of his hand, the pull of his body, and the capture of her lips through his, that incessantly moved over hers hungrily and yet so tender.
An image of a younger version of the boy, that currently pressed her into his chest, flashed through her mind, and she momentarily saw dark wet curls from which some droplets of water fell onto the ground, while the sun of the late May afternoon shone on his skin and illuminated his freckle covered cheeks. It had been the day when her entire world had shifted and the boy she had known as long as she could think, had become the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, and now, here in the living room of her dad's cabin, her world shifted another time, and she knew she had lost her heart for good. There was no way she could ever reclaim it as her own, not when it was solely beating for him, his tempting smile, his captivating eyes, and now her last bit of self-possession had faded away under the claiming touch of his lips.
She was his and this was the place where she belonged, right in his arms, where the outside world became irrelevant, and all that mattered was that he also belonged with her.
There was no room for doubt, not when the truth was written in every movement and every touch. All that was left were the feelings she had for him and the trust she put into him to keep her precious heart intact.
She was suddenly overpowered by the desire to look into his eyes, to see the confirmation of everything reflected in his dark orbs, and so she summoned up all her willpower to interrupt their passionate embrace, and slowly withdrew her lips from his. She only pulled away far enough to be able to see his entire face with his pale cheeks flushed from their actions of the past seconds… minutes…? She couldn't tell.
She stared up at him, while both their chests rose up and down heavily to fill each their lungs with much needed air, but he kept his eyes closed, not meeting her staring ones. It was as if he was still entranced by what had happened, and she wasn't sure either if she had already processed everything, but she felt like they would be able to find it out together as soon as he gathered himself to meet her in the here and now.
El watched him while his slightly parted lips closed and he pressed them together, like he wanted to memorize the taste she had left on them, and as the seconds ticked by the content expression on his face morphed into a more agitated one. She wasn't sure what kind of emotions were hidden behind the light frown on his face, but she didn't expect that all she was met with the moment he opened his eyes, was pain.
Their gazes immediately locked, hazel meeting chocolate brown, and her hopeful eyes searched for answers, but were only left with more questions.
"Mike?", she breathed out timidly, unsure of how to take his troubled expression.
Upon her words his hand, that was still placed on her cheek and jawline, tensed, but he said nothing and kept staring at her, as if she was the deadliest of sins, sweet and tempting, but also poisoned and harmful. He looked like he was in real physical pain, eaten alive by whatever went on his mind, and not able to take the dreading silence any longer, she pressed on, "Mike… Please talk to me."
"El…", he whispered the first word, and she found his voice to be raspy and strained from their breathless kisses; both still trying to calm down from it. "El…", he repeated, like he had to test the sound of the word.
She waited for him to say more and carefully observed every movement on his face. For a split second she thought he would lean back in to capture her lips again, but he held himself back, closing his eyes in an attempt to shield himself from whatever he saw, and finally he said the word she didn't want to hear, "Trish!"
It was like someone poured a bucket filled with ice above her head; her breath got stuck in her throat and the blood froze in her veins. She had completely forgotten about the other girl. Even before the kiss, during their fight, it had been all about Mike and her, not one time had the other beauty's image crossed her mind. She had even forgotten that he was still in another relationship, as her whole focus had lied on sorting out this mess with Mike. All she had wanted was to make him hers, but he was never hers to claim in the first place.
This entire time he belonged to someone else, even in this very moment, where he held her in his arms and her hands were lost in his mess of curls, where his taste still lingered on her swollen lips and the imprint of their prior actions was engraved in each of her cells.
The realization came crushing down on her, that she was nothing more than the 'other girl'. For her it had always been just Mike and she, an inseparable duo, to which everyone else was only an addition. And even Trish had been nothing more than an outside factor, that didn't change the dynamic the two of them had.
But she had been completely wrong about that; it wasn't Trish standing on the sideline, it was El, and the shock over this revelation forced her to take a step back and out of his arms.
"What?", she heard herself saying, as if her traitorous mind needed to hear more of what was already evident.
He stared at her in shock; if over their kiss, their fight, or the fact that she wasn't Trish, she couldn't tell and she was afraid to find it out. His arms twitched like he wanted to pull her back into his chest, but he thought better of it and rather moved them up and drove with both hands through his hair, where El's hands had been just moments ago. "Fuck… El…", he whispered, his voice laced with helplessness and disgust, "This wasn't supposed to happen…!"
From everything that she heard today, it were these words that hurt the most, and her entire body screamed from the pain he inflicted on her. His loathing was evident from what he said and how he said it, and for her there was only one possible explanation to it.
And as if to confirm her horrific presumption, Mike suddenly turned towards the door and strode through the room with the long legs of his.
El was left behind, still paralyzed by his words that stung like a knife through her heart. However, when she heard him opening the front door, she shook herself out of it and ran after him outside.
It hard started to rain during their fight and the water was pouring down in thick ropes, but she didn't spare it any thought and followed him without hesitation.
"Where are you going?", she screamed through the downfall, that soaked her clothes within seconds.
He turned to her, his curls hanging down from the wetness and his eyes pleading with her to understand, "El, please.", he added for good measure, like these words could make her see the sense in all of it, like they could make her turn around and retreat into the warmth of the cabin, like she could just forget that this had ever happened and let him leave. "Please…", he begged her again, "I need to fix this!"
"Stay…" It was her time to plead now, begging him to talk to her, to tell her that he didn't regret kissing her, that it meant as much to him as it did to her, that he had dreamed about holding her this way just as much as she had, that now that he had tasted her lips, it was all he would ever need for the rest of his life, and that there was no other girl he had to go to, to fix things. Because this time it was not just him running away from her and his feelings, no, this time it felt like an ultimate decision, and she begged him to choose her.
However, she knew she had lost when he shook his head and the pain this single gesture caused her, immediately brought tears to her eyes.
"I can't.", he pressed out as if these two words tortured him and he hastily turned away from her again.
He picked up his bike, that laid on the forest ground, and shoved it towards the trail that would lead him back to the main road.
El watched him walk away and in one last desperate attempt to save her heart, she begged him with the one word, which was her saving grace and her dooming fate, "Mike…"
She saw him hold his movements for a second, his shoulder tense, but he didn't turn to look back at her, and finally he walked the last line of trees, that separated him from the road, that would take him away from her. And as she watched him sitting down on his bike and slowly fading into the darkness with each strike of the pedals, the tears running down her face mingled with the pouring rain, and the force of the pain pushed her to the ground, when her heart eventually shattered completely.
Lyrics:
Oh, I remember you driving to my house
In the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh
When you know you're 'bout to cry
And I know your favorite songs
And you tell me 'bout your dreams
Think I know where you belong
Think I know it's with me