Erin just needed to make a copy of two pages, preferably front and back, but for some god forsaken reason, the damn machine isn't acting right. She kicks the side of the machine, and even though she highly doubts it'll magically make it start working, it does manage to make her feel just a little bit better. She really needs to make a copy, just one; she just needs one copy, -one for her records while the original copy will go to the couple that just officially became foster parents. She slaps the top of the machine, "Whoa," she hears Kenny say from behind her, causing her to roll her eyes because she wasn't in the mood for company, especially his company, "I don't think it's going to do what you want it to do if you keep assaulting it."
That manages to crack a small smile on her face.
She steps back, hands him the two pages and kindly asks, "How about you show me the right way to go about it then?"
"…pay close attention," he takes the documents from her and approaches the machine. She peers over his shoulder, watching him as he turns the copier off and then back on again before opening a compartment and removing a jammed piece of paper, "it should work now." He sets her documents down, "Do you want it front and back," she nods and he presses the corresponding key before stepping back and watching the magic happen.
It takes less than a second to copy the form, and she's very grateful for Kenny's help because it meant that she's one step closer to being out the door. Her shift ends in a few minutes. She doesn't plan to stay any later than she needs to be here. So she quickly grabs the pages, tosses a thank you over her shoulder before excusing herself out of the room, "Whoa, Erin, where's the fire," she feels Kim grab her by the shoulder to slow her down, "What's the rush?"
"I'm just trying to get up out of here," Erin smiled, nodding for Kim to follow behind her because if she has to talk then she might as well multitask and do the few remaining tasks she needs to complete before she heads home, "I haven't been feeling too well."
And Kim knows that's code for morning sickness; Erin is still experiencing morning sickness even if it's almost five in the afternoon. Why even call it morning sickness if you experience it all day? Kim has never been pregnant, and she's kind of living through this pregnancy with Erin and even though her best friend struggles to answer questions because this is all new to her too, she does, thankfully, have the patience to try and attempt to give an answer.
"I have some saltine crackers in my top desk drawer."
Erin's movements cease, the file cabinet pulled all the way out before she looks over her shoulder to meet the gaze of her best friend, "Have you always kept crackers in your desk?"
"No, I uh, I went to the store during my lunch break and I read they were recommended for nausea. I also got some ginger ale too if you'd prefer to drink something instead."
Erin turns back to the file cabinet to scan through the files listed in alphabetical order based on last name for the family this document should be filed under. Once she spots it, she effortlessly pulls the file folder out, slides the paper inside before putting the file back where it belongs. She shuts the drawer and holds the original document in her non-dominant hand before turning to face Kim, "I don't think I say this enough but I love you like a ridiculously stupid amount."
"…and I love you like quadruple that."
Kim pulls her friend into a hug and hears her whisper out a laugh, "This isn't a competition."
"I know," Burgess wipes the corner of her eye, and for some reason ever since this pregnancy reveal happened, she's been feeling a bit more emotional than the pregnant woman herself, "you just always catch me off guard when you get sentimental. I never know when it's going to happen until it happens. And it be the most random things that bring it out of you."
Erin steps out of her friend's hold, "I think it's the hormones if I'm being honest but I just found it sweet that you brought snacks to help me through this."
Kim follows behind her friend back to their desks and Erin starts to slide the original document into a large envelope, stamping the top corner with their department address before grabbing a marker and writing down the intended recipient address, "Are you dropping that off in the mailroom for delivery?" It was a stupid question, Burgess knew that, but her brain is slowly catching up to her mouth so she had no way of stopping the thought from coming out.
"You know that I am," Erin could have taken a sarcastic approach, but she's currently ensuring that everything is correct on the large envelope so she can get out of here. She really wants to get home, she wants to have a lazy evening indoors with her dog.
Erin felt the nausea subside, finally, and she didn't take the moment of relief for granted. She wanted to get as close to home as possible just in case it came back, but with the clerks in the mail office gossiping to her and the traffic on the highway, it felt like everything was stacked against her when it came to her desperately wanting to get home as soon as possible.
Back to Burgess' apartment…she really needs a place of her own, but for the time being, she's saving up, not only for a place but saving up to take care of herself, a dog and a baby.
Maybe.
She doesn't know what the future will hold and she's kind of 50/50 on the decision regarding her pregnancy and with such little time to actually choose what to do, she's starting to feel overwhelmed. She doesn't know how far along she is, but she does know that there is a cut off period, there will reach a week in her pregnancy where termination is no longer an option. She has been reading up on things, hoping to calm her nerves but nothing seems to be sticking. She wakes up nauseous and nervous and she goes to sleep nauseous and nervous. And she's pretty sure that nervousness isn't a symptom of pregnancy, although, she's willing to argue that her pregnancy caused her nervousness, so maybe it is a symptom for her. She's thinking too hard about this; she has to reach a decision soon, not today, but soon. But for right now, she's too lost in her thoughts as her muscle memory kicks in to assist in her ability to safely drive back to Kim's place, surprising herself -and Kim- because she didn't crash, she didn't break any rules of the road and she managed to park safely in the parking garage beneath the building.
The passenger door slams behind Kim, startling her as her upper body shutters at the loud sound. Kim is out of the car, leaning against the closed door as she patiently waits for her best friend to gather her possessions out the backseat. It's not much, just her jacket, her purse and a few files that she brought home to read through even though she knows herself enough to know that at no point in the night will she be touching them.
She needs to start leaving work at work. Bringing files home and not touching them is a great first step because when she initially started and felt like she had something to prove she would bring her entire caseload home and have it reviewed and ready for work the next day. She's getting better. Now all she needs to do is just leave everything related to work at work, and that includes the files she currently has tucked under her arm as she follows Burgess into the elevator.
"I was thinking that maybe we can order out for dinner."
Erin covers her mouth because just the thought of greasy food has her feeling a bit queasy, "I think I'll pass. I'll figure something else out or I'll just skip dinner completely."
"I don't think skipping meals is a good idea."
"What's the point of eating when it'll just come back up minutes later?"
Erin makes a point. But, Kim is ready to argue this point even further but chooses to bite her tongue when the elevator doors open and Erin practically sprints out.
"What's wrong?"
"I don't feel good," Erin groans, shoving her key in the lock and swiftly turning it. She snatches the key out the second the door opens and she runs into the apartment, dropping her files and possessions onto the coffee table in her haste to get to the bathroom.
She leaves the bathroom door open because she doesn't have enough time to close it. She flips the toilet lid up and barely lines herself up to the seat before releasing the contents of her empty stomach. She barely ate anything today yet her baby and her body found something to discard.
"I don't know if I can do this," she whispers to herself, cradling her arms around the toilet bowl and resting her head against her shoulder. She feels alone. She is alone. Her mom is such a great support, Burgess is too, but it's different, it's not their body, it's not their potential kid, it's hers. It'll become someone that will solely depend on her, that will live with her, that will need her in all aspects of their life to ensure survival; that's a pretty high bar, one that's overwhelmingly intimidating. And she knows herself enough to know that the Erin of today is not mommy material; she's barely girlfriend material.
"Hey now," Kim whispers, drawing her fingers through Erin's hair as she pulls back every loose strand, "It's okay," she lowers herself to take a seat behind her, to hold back her hair and to rub comforting circles into her back.
Erin pukes again and this time her eyes water.
"It's not going to be okay," Erin cries out in a whisper, "It'll never be okay." She doesn't want to talk about this anymore. She wants to put on her pajamas and hang with her dog. And speaking of Milo…he walks into the bathroom and sits at her side, whining at the sight of his human crying. The snout of his nose rubs against the crook of her neck as he tries to use his face to nudge her to look in his direction, "I'm alright buddy."
"We should talk about this."
Erin sighs when Kim's words fill the hollow walls of the bathroom, "I just want to lay down." She flushes the toilet and maneuvers herself out of Kim's embrace, "Thanks for holding my hair back. I appreciate it."
"You don't have to thank me for that."
"I do," Erin says, eyes focused on the brown in Kim's orbs, "I do because you didn't have to do that. You already go above and beyond for me. It's the absolute least I could do."
Kim sits on the tiled floor in silence as she watches Erin brush her teeth, wash her face and then pat her leg in an effort to get Milo's attention and signal for him to follow her. She remains on the tiled floor even when she hears Erin's bedroom door shut. She lost her appetite, at least when it came to actual food, maybe she'll have dessert for dinner. You can't go wrong with that, and maybe, she can convince Erin to eat some, maybe they can just stuff their faces with ice cream.
Erin can hear Burgess moving around in the kitchen. At some point she left the bathroom and went into the kitchen and never left. She can hear her, every sound she makes as she hears cabinets open and close, dishes being placed on the counter, silverware rattling together, she can hear it all and she doesn't mind paying attention to it because it takes her mind off of everything, especially her raging hormones and the deep seeded stare her dog is boring into her.
"Milo, you have to stop looking at me like that." He whines as if it's his attempt at a response.
"You probably understand me more than anyone, which is kind of sad." Milo whines again, moving closer to raise both paws and sit back on his hindlegs before falling forward back onto all four paws, "How will having this baby affect me being able to afford to keep you?" The thought of losing Milo, of having to put him up for adoption because being a parent and a pet owner is expensive seems unbearable. He's been with her through so much in his short life; he's done so much for her and he seems to be the only one who can help calm her anxiety.
Animals are smart. They deserve much more credit than they are given.
"If it comes to that," she pats the top of his head before venturing over to her dresser to grab her pajamas, "I'll figure it out. I hope."
Milo whines, almost as if he understands her words. She likes to believe that he does. He's been trained since he was a puppy; he's completed puppy training, beginning, intermediate and advanced training all in his first year of life and the last training, her favorite training of them all was his therapy dog training, well worth the money, her buddy definitely provides an extra layer of protection and emotional support. It's one of her favorite things about Milo, his way of helping her feel safe and his love for her. He loves her more than she loves herself.
And that's pretty sad but she's working on it. It's an everyday process, but she's trying.
Erin falls back, landing in the center of her bed, arms spread wide, legs stretched out as she released a completely worn out and bone-weary sigh. She was tired, but when was she not? Exhaustion is now a huge part of her day and it feels as if there isn't anything she can do about it.
It's a symptom of pregnancy. She knows this. She's pregnant. And since there isn't any obvious signs besides her own mood changes, fatigue and nausea, no one really can tell. No one knows except her tight circle, and she plans to keep it that way for as long as possible.
"Milo," Erin groans when she feels her dog jump onto her bed. He's a growing boy and even though he'll always be her pup, her German Shepherd is getting a little too big to be crawling on her. That doesn't stop him from doing it and it doesn't stop her from letting him do it, "Hi boy," she rubs the top of his head, right between his ears, as he cuddles up against her, two of his paws resting on her shoulder as his face leaned forward and he helped himself to a lick of her chin, "You sensed something was up, huh?"
He didn't respond. Of course, he didn't. He's a dog. She didn't expect him to actually answer the question.
But way before she moved back to Chicago, she had Milo and even though he was a dog, he was her roommate and she felt a little less crazy when she talked knowing that it wasn't always to herself. It was to him too, if that counted.
"I'm in a bit of a dilemma, Milo. I need an ear to listen." He stops licking her and lifts his head and she takes that as a response, "I'm going to have a baby," he tilts his head as if he actually is a participant in this conversation, "and I honestly don't know if I want to keep it." She stares at Milo, half expecting him to give her a sign, "Would I be a horrible person if I didn't?"
He lays his head back down. And even though she didn't expect a response, she did expect some type of comfort and he definitely delivered. He snuggled his nose into the crook of her neck until she smiled, lifting her hand to rub the top of his head. She lies in silence; Milo does too. His eyes are closed as he embraces the warm and comforting hand of his owner. He always loved these moments, just him and his human, "Erin," a singsong echo of her friend's voice fills the bedroom as Kim pushes the door wide open with her hip and then closes it with her foot, lifting her leg and kicking back until it slams shut, startling both her and Milo.
Milo on immediate defense mode jumps down and growls, not exactly at Kim, but in the direction she's walking from because he thinks there's something wrong.
"Sorry to scare you Milo," Kim said, guilt filling the tone of her voice, "I just came bearing gifts for your mama," she moves the two spoons into the hand holding the carton of ice cream in order to free up one hand and pat the top of his head. Milo appears to accept her answer after taking one last huff and another glance at the closed door before hopping back onto the bed, "Erin, move over. I said I come bearing gifts, the least you can do is be a bit more hospitable."
Surprising the both of them, Milo growls, eyes cast in Kim's direction and releasing the pent up growl of frustration after sensing his human's distress. Erin reaches out and brushes her fingers below his chin in an effort to ease his growing rage, "Whoa buddy, it's okay."
"What's gotten into him?" Kim holds out a spoon for her friend to take before she climbs into the bed and flops down comfortably beside her.
"I don't know. He typically saves the aggression for strangers. Maybe he's just being extra protective today?" It's probably because of her mood; he can pick up on that.
"…maybe he can sense that you're pregnant? Whatever the reason is, it's cool. I'm unbothered."
To further emphasize how unbothered she is, she focuses on the carton of strawberry ice cream, peeling the lid back and setting it down between the two of them, "Hopefully you're feeling a little better and can keep this down."
"I'm pretty sure my body will do everything possible to keep ice cream down." Erin sits up and she's the first one to dive in and take a scoop, "and besides, I'm more exhausted than anything, but hopefully the sugar boost gives me some type of energy."
"Anything for the baby mama," and that earns a loud roar of laughter from Kim, only for Erin to roll her eyes at her friend, laughing at her own joke.
"Don't start calling me that."
"It has a nice ring to it."
"No," Erin pops another spoonful of ice cream in her closed mouth, "no it doesn't." She pulls the spoon out and digs it back into the carton, "I haven't even had the kid yet and I already feel like a sucky parent because I'm about to demolish this ice cream."
"There's no such thing as a perfect parent."
Erin leans back and lays down on the bed, taking another scoop of ice cream and basking in the flavor that coats her tongue, "You sound like my mom."
"Well, your mom is one of the smartest people that I know."
"Don't tell her that then I'd never hear the end of it."
"Too late," Kim snickers, leaning back onto the bed, "I already told her." Kim looks over, face resting against the soft comforter as she stares into the side of her friend's head, eyes outlining every feature on her friend's face, knowing that in a few months those features will change because of the pregnancy and the weight gain.
She won't tell Erin that though.
Kim eats the ice cream as she watches her friend's slow movements, observing her take her free hand and fold up the bottom of her shirt to expose her nonexistent baby bump. Erin appears to be lost in thought, using that free hand of hers to trace patterns and shapes around her belly button.
It's peaceful; it's soothing and quiet. And between the silence in the room and the ice cream they're slowly devouring, there's a sense of tranquility that surrounds them. Erin's glad to be here, to be rooming with her because even though she's kind of afraid, Burgess does offer a sense of safety and comfort.
It's so quiet in the bedroom, the only source of noise coming from Milo panting either because he's hot or thirsty, more likely hot because his water bowl is right in the kitchen and he'd satisfy that quench if it was dehydration. It was always pretty warm, close to hot, in Kim's apartment since her new roommate hates cutting on the air conditioner but that didn't stop Erin from climbing out of the bed, carton of ice cream in hand to open the window as far as it could go so her dog could get some type of breeze, "It's cold," Kim shivers the second a large gust of wind blows into the room, "Shit must the window be so wide open."
Erin takes a one second look at her dog before answering, "Yes."
Milo still has his tongue hanging out of his mouth, breathing deeply, but he seems to enjoy the cool breeze. It remains to be the only sound heard in her bedroom. Even as she climbs back onto her bed and comfortably sits before diving back into the ice cream, no one else makes a sound, instead choosing to allow Milo to be the only one to fill the room with his pants while the two of them continue to eat ice cream for dinner.
This is definitely not something she should be doing as a mother.
But, she's not a mother yet.
She shouldn't have these types of practices as a parent.
But, she's not a parent yet. She has time. How much? She doesn't know yet because her first prenatal appointment is next week. It was the one free day that her mom and Burgess had where they could go with her because despite the fact that she's a 30 year old woman, she still needs the support in the form of her mother and best friend. She wants the week to go by slow because without the reality of the appointment helps her forget that she's pregnant. She can live in denial for a little while longer despite her mother and Kim constantly reminding her every chance they get because they're excited, way more excited than she is.
And not to mention the current pregnancy symptoms she's experiencing. They make it hard for her to forget. Every time she's nauseous, every time she pukes, every time she has a headache or wants an alcoholic beverage but can't have one, she's reminded. This sucks.
But, this is her life now, whether she likes it or not, whether she lives in denial or not.
Erin stares down at the top of her dog's head as she continues to eat ice cream, and most likely putting on more pounds than the actual pregnancy will put on. She's feeling sorry for herself right now, it's a feeling and a mindset that she hates to be in but for the moment she's in it and she's going to embrace it until she pulls herself out of it in the next hour. Erin sighs aloud and it breaks the long sustained silence for only a few seconds before the room is immersed back in it.
More time, possibly seconds, maybe minutes, have gone by and Milo is the only one with the urge to fill it, -even though it wasn't on purpose. At least she doesn't think it is. Maybe Milo is purposefully filling it because he knows his human better than anyone and awkward silence causes her anxiety? Or maybe it's just a coincidence? Milo's smart but he isn't that smart. Kim watches as her friend stares at the top of Milo's head, eyes examining and trailing along the expanse of her dog's back, "Erin," Kim says in one breath, in a low breath, a breath so low that her friend doesn't hear her. It was so low that Kim convinces herself that she possibly thought it.
"It's going to be okay Erin," Burgess whispers a little louder than the last, finally filling the room with a sound other than Milo's heavy breathing. She uses her free hand to pat the top of the dog's head while her other hand drops the spoon in the carton of ice cream, deciding to stop piling the delicious dessert in her mouth because she felt the beginnings of a brain-freeze.
Erin sits up, holding the carton of ice cream to make sure it doesn't tip over and spill, "It's not okay," she folds her legs and sets the ice cream in the center of her lap before she resumes scooping the strawberry dessert in her mouth, "but I appreciate you for trying to make it."
Kim does want to make things easier. She wants to help figure out whatever dilemma Erin is currently tossing around in her head. But, she doesn't know the full extent, the full details of that dilemma and if she were to guess, she assumes it has something to do with the worries of actually parenting, of leaving the hospital with a new bundle of joy that'll depend on her for everything. She wants to say she understands, but she doesn't. Kim doesn't understand, she doesn't get it because no matter how many times she tells Erin that she's here for her, she's not actually experiencing the situation firsthand. At the end of the day, it's Erin's kid, it's Erin's body, it's Erin's life, but that doesn't mean Kim can't be here for her in every other way that counts, at least she wants to be, if only Erin would let her in to her thoughts.
"You want to talk about it."
"I do talk about it," Erin scrapes at the corner of the carton even though there's still more than half of the strawberry ice cream left in the container, "I talk about it enough."
"I mean with a human, with someone that can actually reply and give feedback."
"She didn't mean to insult you, Milo," Erin pats the top of her dog's head before taking another mouthful of ice cream and letting it melt on her tongue.
"I know you're scared, Er, but-"
"My mom is soooo excited," she cuts in.
"…and you're not?"
"I'm not," she honestly admits.
"Is it because you don't know if you want to keep your baby?"
"Kim, I don't even know if want to have this baby."