Erin could feel drips of sweat roll down her palms forcing her to rub her hands against the fabric of her jeans, pressing them down against her lap to get every drop off. She's nervous. But, no one could really blame her. It's her first prenatal appointment and she's here with her mother and her best friend and every part of her feels like she's a teenager all over again. She feels like an irresponsible child who has disappointed her parents even though she knows that's the furthest thing from the truth. Her nerves are skyrocketing right now, and she wishes that Milo was here because her dog always has a way of providing her emotional comfort and support. He was trained for that. But, he wasn't here when she needed him, she desperately needed to wrap her arms around his fur coat and bury her face into the crook of his furry neck. She inhales and then exhales slowly but the sound of Kim's feet padding against the tiled floor in the waiting room has her nerves on high alert.
"Can you stop," Erin runs both of her hands through her hair, stopping at the top of her head and pulling at her roots out of frustration, "you're freaking me out."
Kim immediately takes a seat beside her best friend, "Sorry," she reaches out to pull Erin's hands out of her head to hold them both on her lap, "I'm just nervous."
The laugh that comes out of Erin's body is sardonic because if anyone has any right to be nervous and worried it's her. And Kim seems to pick up on that because she interlocks her fingers through Erin's fingers. She should have been here, she should have been had her first prenatal appointment but she waited; she waited because she didn't want to come alone and this was the only day her mother and Kim's schedule synced up. She waited, procrastinated, but it could only be for so long. And now today was the day.
She's waiting in the waiting room, a cold water bottle sitting at her feet and if Kim wasn't holding her hands right now then she'd probably grab it and drink the rest of it. But, then she'd have to pee. And her bladder's been ridiculous lately. Actually, a lot of parts of hers have been ridiculous lately, including her hormones, and she would argue that it contributed to her paranoia because right now it feels like everyone is staring at her, judging her.
"Erin, your leg, stop," her mother scolds, reaching out to cover her daughter's thigh with her hand, "you're restless. Take a deep breath. Calm your nerves. Breathe, please." And with her mother's guidance, she does, she inhales and then exhales.
"I feel like people can look at me and tell that I'm about to be a single mom."
And her mother shrugs, "Who cares what these people think? They don't know you." And her mother's right. She's always right, at least lately, it seems.
"I don't know what to expect. I hate going in blind."
Kim squeezes her friend's hand tighter, "I wish I can tell you but this is a first for me too."
"Mom…"
"I mean," Camille wraps her arm around her daughter's shoulders, "things could have changed because it's been years since I had a prenatal appointment but I do know that since this is your first one of the pregnancy then it'll probably be your longest one. But, you can cut a bit of time down if you finish filling out the paperwork," she nodded her head towards the clipboard, it's sitting on the small table in front of her.
"I filled in everything I could about my medical history, but I know nothing about his," Erin expressed her frustration while trying to keep her voice low enough for the other people in the waiting room to not hear her, "I know nothing about my kid's dad. I'm already setting my kid up for failure." Her mother whispers a reminder to breathe in her ear because she knows her daughter is probably seconds away from a panic attack. Just breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
"Breathe," Kim whispers, backing up her mother's words of advice.
It's her first official appointment and she's being accompanied by her mother and best friend. A lot of time has passed since she found out that she was pregnant, it's been a long time –or at least it felt like it- since she was in her parents' bathroom taking test after test and even with all the time that has passed, she's found herself here, in the waiting room for her first prenatal appointment, seated between her mom and her best friend because the father of her baby doesn't even know about the child's existence. Her hand found its way to her stomach, resting over her nonexistent bump and she notices in her peripheral vision when her mother smiles at her.
"Erin Lindsay," she hears her name called. Breathe, she silently tells herself as she stands up.
It all happens so fast after that. It feels as if she's a zombie being pushed and pulled through the routine of her first prenatal check-up. She's weighed, and the nurse jots down the number before her blood pressure is taken. She's given a pelvic exam, a pap smear, a breast exam, a pregnancy test and a urine screen for protein and sugar. She has blood drawn for lab work to apparently assess her blood type, possible infections, her immunity levels and any other possible conditions that could cause preterm labor or pregnancy complications. She's even screened for STI and STDs, which she's thankful for because she needed to be screened for that regardless. And she's even more grateful for the presence of her mother and best friend because they do most of the talking. Erin's too in shock to think. Her mind is trying to keep up with all of the information she's being given, with all of the needles that prick her skin and the cups handed to her for her to pee in. It's a lot to process. And she just needs a minute to digest all of the info she's told.
Kim is taking notes. She actually pulled a notepad and pen out of her purse at some point during the appointment. It's pretty sweet of her, and it kind of helps to calm Erin's nerves because when the back of the pen taps against Kim's chin as she asks the doctor questions like she's the one that's pregnant, she's reminded that while her baby's dad isn't in the picture, it doesn't mean she's alone in this. She's not. And even if she's not paying her undivided attention to everything, her best friend is taking notes and she'll just review those later.
Breathe, she tells herself again when she's told that she's seven weeks pregnant. It's hard to believe that that much time has passed. Breathe, she has to remind herself again when she's given her estimated due date, -June 29th, give or take a few days. Breathe, she reminds herself because has it truly been that long since her one night stand, since her world changed, since she's last seen him?
Erin can see her mother texting, and she knows that the person on the receiving end is probably her father. And she doesn't mind because it's one less person she has to update.
She's in a zone and it takes her mother snapping her fingers in front of her face for her to break out of it, "Huh? Sorry," she blinks, "Was there a question?"
Her doctor, she has to squint to read his name tag, -Dr. Bradley smiles before responding, "I looked over the paperwork you filled out in the lobby and you left a whole section blank."
"I must have gotten distracted," she whispered because she honestly thought she had filled out every question that was asked of her, "I'm sorry."
"It's fine. We'll fill it in now. What was the date of your last menstrual cycle?"
Erin answers as soon as she looks into the app she downloaded on her phone that tracks it.
"Great," Dr. Bradley typed that into the computer, "is this your first pregnancy?"
"Yes," she nods. Her voice is low.
He pushes his glasses up his nose when they started to slip forward, "Do you have any history of abortions, miscarriages or both?"
"It's my first pregnancy," Erin states matter of fact. She's sharp with the tongue and sometimes she can come off as a little rude at times but that's just her being the product of her environment, and she knows that that's not an excuse, but she technically answered this question already on the form and when he asked if it was her first pregnancy. She didn't mean to come across as rude, but she's trying to be patient and calm when she truly wants to freak out. And she hates repeating herself, it's a pet peeve of hers that she knows she'll have to work on especially if she has a kid because she's heard –and read on a few mommy blogs- that raising kids is full of repeating yourself especially during the toddler stage.
Erin brings her hand up to rest against her forehead, she's thinking too much, and it doesn't help with Dr. Bradley quirking his brow at her, "Is that a yes or no?"
"Sorry," Erin clears her throat and answers, "No. I've never had a miscarriage or an abortion," she speaks much more calmly. And her doctor nods, smiles and fills in that information on the medical database. He's patient with her. She's probably not the first expectant mother to come off as a bit rude and overwhelmed. She gives him a matching smile in return, one that signifies her thanks and her appreciation for patiently bearing through this appointment with her.
She was ready for this to be over.
All of it actually: the appointment, the pregnancy and the parenting. She's heard the baby and toddler stages are hard and the child stage is easy enough in comparison to the teenage years. Oh, if it was possible for her to birth an adult, she'd probably pay stock into that. She's never seen herself as mommy material. And because of that, she's scared, terrified actually, that she's going to screw this kid up and not give him or her their best chance in this crazy world.
Prenatal appointments are probably going to be the easiest part of the pregnancy especially if the first one, this one, was supposed to be the longest and most comprehensive. Majority of the appointment was spent asking and answering questions, all related to her medical and mental health history, drug use if any, and symptoms that she's already experienced related to her pregnancy. Between the rundown of her full medical history, a general health check-up, an internal pelvic exam, a cervical exam and the round of prenatal blood tests and urine tests, it was no question about if she was in over her head. What is she getting herself into?
"Your baby is the size of a blueberry," the doctor tells her, and her mother gasps in excitement and claps her hands over her opened mouth, her eyes growing misty at his words, "your little one is probably starting to take shape. The frequency of your appointments will increase the further along you are in your pregnancy, so we'll start off with appointments once a month, then once every two weeks and by the later stages I'll be seeing you once a week. We'll do your first ultrasound at your next appointment and I want to schedule that a month from today so on your way out stop at the nurse's station and schedule it with the receptionist."
"Why at the next appointment and not this one?" She found herself curious enough to ask.
"Every office has a different policy; here we like to do ours no earlier than eight weeks unless you had fertility treatments or its high risk. At your next appointment, you'll be around ten or eleven weeks depending on the date it's scheduled and we'll be able to see your baby better and hear its heartbeat."
Your baby, that's all she hears and she zones out after those words are said. This is her baby, this kid is growing inside of her and she's about to be completely responsible for a living, breathing human that will depend on her for everything. She feels her shoulder being nudged and she quickly blinks out of wherever her thought process was taking her, "Erin," she looked over to meet her doctor's eyes, "are you alright," she nods but she can tell he doesn't believe her, "I'll just say this and then answer any questions you may have for me. In the waiting room there are pamphlets listing options like adoption that you can take if you have no interest in having a baby," she can sense his hesitance; he's speaking very carefully to her.
"I want my baby," she responds confidently because just at the thought of not keeping her baby didn't sit well with her, not anymore, not after the talk with her mother, "I'm just nervous, that's all. I feel like I have good reason to be nervous but that doesn't mean I don't want my kid."
"I just wanted to make sure," he squeezes her shoulder to reassure her of her worries, "and hopefully I can answer any questions you have to relieve you of your concerns."
She smirked because she doubted it.
She knows he can answer her questions but her worries are an entirely different subject. And before she's able to ask her first question, Burgess is asking her own, "Can she still exercise?"
"Yes," the doctor answers, smiling when he watches her friend take notes, "it's actually encouraged. You don't want to push yourself or overexert yourself though. When you schedule your next appointment, the receptionist will give you a list of foods to avoid during your pregnancy. You already know to avoid alcohol until you give birth and maybe after that too if you're planning on breastfeeding."
Erin hears her mother ask questions, and she's thankful for that because most of those questions she had never thought to ask herself. They never even crossed her mind. And most of the questions she had, he had answered in some way, shape or form during her appointment. She does throw out one question, about prenatal vitamins, he answers with such ease. She feels her phone vibrate in her pocket as Kim asks the next question, along the lines of her wanting to be in the delivery room. It's too soon to give an answer because anything can happen but the doctor reassures her that if he's the one to deliver her baby then he'll make sure she's in the room.
Her phone vibrates again but she's too busy asking a question to check it, "How much weight should I gain? What's a good estimate?"
"I'll say," the doctor rocks side to side on his feet as he thinks, "20 to 30 pounds."
"Are there any activities she should avoid?" At the insinuation her mother put in her question caused Erin to groan. Even as an adult her mother managed to embarrass her.
"If you're talking about sex, then no you don't have to avoid it. Many women have it up until they're in labor. You can still travel, just not after you're 32 weeks. Your life doesn't stop because you're pregnant. But there are few things I would avoid and that's horseback riding, amusement park rides and waterslides, bicycling and basically anything that's vigorous and can cause hard impact. The receptionist will also give you a list of those activities and on that paper is a number that you can call if you have any non-urgent medical questions or messages."
She's overwhelmed but that's to be expected.
And as she zones out while her mother ask the rest of her questions, she pulls out her cell to check her messages, all of them from her father.
Hey Erin, it's dad.
She rolls her eyes and chuckles softly because she knows it's her dad, she has his number programed and saved into her phone. Anyway, she continues to read despite being briefly distracted, Call me after your appointment. I need your help.
Her curiosity is piqued. She can't think of any reason for her father to need her help. It wouldn't be a personal call; it'll be strictly professional.
And fortunately the next few minutes go by quicker than she thought they would. She shakes the doctor's hand and follows her mother and best friend out of the exam room, stopping briefly at the receptionist desk to set her next appointment up for December. She can't believe that by next summer she's going to have a kid. Her hands brush along her shirt, tucking it into her skirt before adjusting her blazer. She was technically off work today but with her pregnancy she wanted to get in as many hours before she's off for maternity leave which isn't until far into the future. And it wouldn't hurt to earn extra money because she's about to have an additional mouth to feed. It's never too early to start saving. Regardless of her reasons, she didn't want to fall behind on work and after her appointment, they were going to catch some lunch together and then Erin was going to part ways with them and head into the office.
But, when she calls her father back, she realizes that her plans will have to be slightly adjusted.
"We got a new case," he starts before carefully shutting his office door behind him; he wanted some privacy, "a little boy, Evan, found his parents dead and I need you to get here. He's not talking. With both of his parents dead, we didn't want to leave him at the house alone, it's an active crime scene. I was going to hold him and call for a social worker but I figured-"
"…since I'm a social worker then you might as well call the one you know."
"Yeah," he replies, hand moving roughly down his face, "I'm sorry Er, I know today was your appointment but you're the best social worker I know and this six year old kid has gone completely mute. I'll call the agency and have them send someone else if it's too much."
And it's not. It'll actually give her a reason to skip lunch and get some more work done.
"I'll be there," she hangs up, and based on the way her mother and Kim are looking at her, they already know that lunch will have to be rescheduled so with a simple explanation she's on her way to the precinct. She finds herself actually relieved to be heading into work because it offers her an opportunity to clear her mind, to breathe and possibly forget about her pregnancy for a moment. She's pregnant. It's been constantly going through her mind ever since she took the test. She's going to be a mommy. She's going to be someone's mom. And that just seems so unrealistic even though that's about to be her new reality.
It's a hard reality.
And her fears of becoming a mommy makes her think she's going to be a horrible one.
Just because she decided to keep her baby doesn't mean that her worries suddenly disappeared. If anything, they're stronger than ever because it became more real, this is happening, by next summer, she'll have a kid and be a mom.
Erin pulls her keys out as she walks through the parking garage, heading to the second level to get to her car. Her body is on autopilot. She doesn't even remember walking to her car because she's so consumed by her thoughts, by her fears. She's terrified and she has months to get over it but as of right now, as of seven weeks into her pregnancy, she's absolutely scared of failing this kid, of failing society by raising a horrible kid. She heard that motherly instincts are a myth and a part of her hopes that isn't true. She hopes that there's a switch that'll cut on the second she gives birth. She's nervous that she'll do something wrong, that she'll drop her kid on its head, that she won't know how to soothe her baby when it starts crying or gets sick.
By the time she starts her car and gets on the road, her GPS set to direct her towards the precinct, she still feels herself consumed by her thoughts. She's her biggest enemy and she knows this yet she has no power to overcome her thoughts and fears. What if she doesn't love her kid? What if she doesn't feel a connection to her kid once she gives birth? She's a social worker; it feels a little hypocritical for her to be a bad parent while her career centers on children and ensuring that they're in loving homes and being cared for properly.
What if she's a push over and raises an entitled brat? She despises spoiled adults. What if she becomes guilty of raising one?
What if she does love her kid with everything inside of her? What if she does everything right but something or someone cruel in this world takes her kid from her?
There are too many possibilities and in her route to the precinct she's filled with so many scenarios of everything that could possibly go wrong. She's in way over her head, and she's doing all of this alone despite the reassurances from her parents and Burgess. At the end of the day, the baby is her responsibility, not theirs. The baby is a result of her actions, not theirs.
What if she loses her sense of self? What if she forgets to take time to do the things that she likes? What if she forgets about what she likes?
Erin cuts the engine to her car after parking and while she doesn't have any paperwork with her, Kim did reassure her that she'll draw up all of the paperwork for her so by the time Erin returns to the office with the kid, the necessary documents will already be drawn up. She steps out of the car and tries to relax her shoulders, it's a poor attempt but it's better than nothing. She doesn't need a room full of detectives, of men trained to read people read her. Erin walks in the entrance of the building and gets one of the on-duty sergeants who recognized her as Voight's daughter to buzz her up. The gate is pulled open and even though she tries to think of anything but the baby growing in her belly, it proves to be impossible. What if she's a bad example? She kind of feels like she already is since she got pregnant after a one night stand and will raise her kid as a single parent. That can't be a good example for her kid. That'll already open her and the kid up to judgment. It's not her kid's fault that its mother is such a screw up.
She stares down at the ground, watching each step she takes because the last thing she needs is to fall and hurt herself. She's grateful that Kim's apartment building has an elevator; she doesn't have to worry about falling down the stairs. Erin holds onto the railing and only looks up when she reaches the top step. Her dad's bullpen, she glances around and smiles at the hustle and bustle in the room as each of his detectives divide and conquer each task she's pretty sure her father assigned to them. It feels like she hasn't been here in years, and maybe she hasn't, she couldn't actually recall the last time she's stepped foot inside but it felt good. It felt a little like home, and nothing could take away the smile on her face.
That is until Olinsky notices her, alerting everyone in the unit of her presence and surprisingly she recognized all of their faces. Every single last one of them she knew, even the detective her dad recently hired because the same man she met at the bar, the man she went home with, the man who is the father of her child was currently standing a few feet away from her, jaw dropped the second his eyes met hers. He wants to say something but he stays quiet. They're surrounded by detectives. Her dad must be in the office with the kid. He doesn't know that she's arrived yet and maybe she can take advantage of that and speak with the guy from the bar.
What is she even going to say to him? Should she even tell him? Yeah, she's definitely going to tell him because if she is forced to face the consequences of her actions then he should be too. It takes two to tango and she surely didn't get pregnant by herself. It may not be the best motive, the most genuine reason to let him know, but she barely knows him; she doesn't owe him anything.
This had to be some kind of a joke that fate is playing on her. What are the chances that she's knocked up by a one night stand who just so happened to work for her dad? Of all the people in Chicago, in the world, it just had to be him? Really? She bites her bottom lip, straightens her posture and steps towards him as the detectives around them got back to work. She's pretty sure he should be working too but she hopes that he'll make an exception for her because what she has to tell him is definitely a life changer, -in more ways than just one.
Erin is a confident human being. She is a woman filled with wit and charm. In her 30 years of life, she's never been speechless or afraid to speak her mind yet as she stands in front of him, her one night stand, she finds herself opening and closing her mouth with no words approaching the surface. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She didn't plan to see him ever again. She was slowly starting to come to terms with the fact that she's going to be a single mom, a woman approaching her mid-life with a kid that was conceived through an act of impulsivity and carelessness.
She never expected to be face to face with him again.
She doesn't even know his name.