Erin stands in the center of the opened-floor plan of her new apartment. It's clean. It's empty. It's refreshing. And it's a new start. Just yesterday her mother had paid a visit to Erin's job to grab her new apartment keys in order to spend the entire day cleaning her apartment from top to bottom, room to room, in order to ensure that the place was dust free and pristinely clean for her daughter to officially move in. Cleaning, was one less thing Erin needed to do. And the good thing about that is Erin didn't have to worry about losing breath from being on her hands and knees and wiping down the lower cabinets in the kitchen.
This week had been dedicated to her new apartment. This week is for her to move in, for her furniture to be delivered and for her to unpack.
She runs her hand over the slight curve of her lower abdomen as her hazel eyes stare out of the large window overlooking the street below. She can see her car from here. And while it wasn't the greatest view in the city, it surely wasn't the worst. Erin moved closer to the window, hand not once ceasing to move over her abdomen where her baby is currently nesting as she sucks in a sharp breath before releasing it out in spurts, "Is it straight or crooked?"
Erin startles. She jumps back, suddenly forgetting that she wasn't alone. Kim is with her, and she's currently standing on a stepstool, trying -and struggling- to hang the curtains above the large window to block out the sun and grant her some privacy. Erin hasn't moved in all the way, -far from it actually- but she does have her keys -one to the top lock and the other to the bottom- and there is one photo of a random piece of artwork that matches the walls in her living room -it hangs on the wall adjacent from the wall with the large window. And Burgess managed to finish hanging up the blinds and curtains that were for the three bedrooms.
Hanging up the curtains over the large window in the living room was the last task of the day.
And Kim had mainly done it all by herself. Actually, she did do it all by herself. And not without any complaints from Erin because apparently Kim didn't feel comfortable allowing her best friend to get on the stepstool and assist in hanging anything. She doesn't want to have to face the wrath of Camille for overworking her daughter. The woman is petite but that doesn't make her any less scary. And being in her second trimester, currently totaling up to sixteen weeks, exactly four months, into her pregnancy, Erin had thought that this phase of her pregnancy was supposed to be the easiest. She was starting to miss being in her first trimester because she rarely experienced morning sickness, or any other pregnancy symptom in her early weeks. But, now that she's in her second, she can barely take a step without feeling easily winded. Her boobs were bigger and she had to go up a bra size, spending unnecessary money in order to contain these monstrous beasts that are preparing themselves to nurse an infant. Her boobs were still sore, and not to mention the backaches that is from a combination of her pregnancy and her larger boobs.
She's forgetful too. She doesn't know how that can possibly be linked to pregnancy but based on the many articles she's read, it's a common link between many expectant mothers. Forgetfulness.
Pregnancy brain, many people call it.
…as if she wasn't already all over the place without the added symptoms.
At least she has a pregnancy glow to her, as her parents like to point out, as a way to remind her that not all of the symptoms of carrying a baby are bad. But, it's one out of a list of many so it barely holds enough weight to justify the others.
Erin's hand continues to run along and rub circles into her belly. Her bump isn't big but it's there and with the shirt she's currently wearing, it's noticeable for the world to see. She sees it, using the reflection in the window to check herself out. And Kim seems to be growing impatient by it, waiting for directions from her best friend that doesn't seem to be coming any time soon.
"Erin, is it straight or crooked?" Kim repeats. And Erin fully zones back in, stepping back far enough so she can see the full picture of the curtain rod above the window.
Slowly, she pulls out her cell phone, while multitasking and answering Kim's question, "Yes, it's straight. It looks really good." And that earns a smirk from Kim.
"Told you we didn't need your dad to come and hang some stupid curtains."
"My curtains aren't stupid," Erin retorts, opening up her cellular device to check her messages, "and besides, you picked them out. Are you saying you picked out stupid curtains?"
Acting as if she didn't hear Erin's question, Burgess asks a question of her own, "When is your furniture supposed to arrive? I can't wait for this place to actually look like a home."
"It's uh," she pulls her eyes away from Jay's text in order to focus on her friend's question, "it's supposed to come during the week. I ordered from different stores so um, the delivery date is different, but I think the living room furniture is coming tomorrow. Bedroom furniture is due to arrive at the end of this week so I hate to say it but you're stuck with me until then."
If the bedroom furniture is to arrive by the end of the week then it'll probably take another week depending on Voight's work schedule to put the actual furniture together which means that Kim will have a roommate for at least another two weeks. And she didn't mind one bit. She enjoyed rooming with her nearest and dearest friend and even though she's not states away like she was in the past, she's going to miss her sincerely when she does officially move out.
Erin focuses back in on her cell, rereading Jay's most recent message, when are you actually moving your packed boxes into your new place? -JH
Sometime this week or the next, -EV
She honestly had no idea. She didn't plan a day to bring her possessions over from Kim's apartment yet; she needs to focus on the arrival of her furniture over the next couple of days.
The doctor said that you shouldn't be carrying around anything too heavy, so if you need an extra pair of hands to help then I can make sure I'm free whatever day you decide to move, -JH
She was about to reply but the red drop of blood falling from her nose onto the back of her thumb alerted her to the start of a nosebleed.
"Crap," she mutters, hand flying to her nose, "it's bleeding."
Kim takes a careful glance over her shoulder just as Erin disappears into the kitchen, "Again?"
"Uh, yeah," Erin retorts, rolling her eyes as she covers her nose with one hand and tries to unzip her purse with the other, "the doctor didn't say I'll have one nosebleed my entire pregnancy."
Erin searches through her purse, looking for the small-sized pack of tissue to rip open and dab against her nose. This is the second nosebleed she's had, which according to her doctor at her last prenatal appointment are normal and nothing to be concerned over. It didn't mean they weren't a major inconvenience. She's just glad it didn't drop onto her floor.
"Are you okay?" Kim shouts from the living room. She's still hanging up the curtains. It would have been done if she'd only let Erin help her out. But nope, she wanted to do it alone.
"Yes," Erin cuts on the kitchen sink, leaning her face over to splash water onto it before shutting off the faucet, "I'm fine. It doesn't hurt. It's just more annoying than anything."
"What does a nosebleed have to do with a pregnancy anyway?"
"It's just a symptom," Erin shrugs even though Burgess is unable to see her, "a symptom that some pregnant women experience and some don't, like all the other symptoms of pregnancy."
"…but how does carrying a baby affect your nose?"
"I'm probably about to butcher up this explanation but something along the lines of increased blood volume and flow and sensitive nasal passages. But, it's nothing to concern your pretty little head about because I'm not losing a lot of blood. It doesn't hurt the baby."
"Does it hurt you?" Kim drops something and it bangs against the hard floor. Erin doesn't know what was dropped but from the kitchen she can hear Kim jump off the stepstool to swipe it up off the floor.
"No, not really. It's just annoying."
The bleeding stops. Erin doesn't have a trashcan or bag to dispose of the tissue. And she makes a mental reminder to toss it out once she's near a garbage can but for right now, she rolls it up so the bloody spots are on the inside of the tissue before stuffing it into her pocket. She might need it again especially considering how stuffy it is in her apartment. Erin doesn't want to turn the air conditioning on yet because they'll be leaving soon and she doesn't want to start her first month off with a high bill. And besides it's cold outside, she needs to embrace this warmth before she's overtaken by the Chicago winter storm currently blowing on the outside of her window.
"Can you believe that I'm four months pregnant?" Erin asks as she joins Kim back in the living room. She leaves her purse on the kitchen counter because she doesn't want to sit it on the floor.
"I honestly can't…like this is so real."
"And I have good news," Erin starts to announce as she waits for her friend to carefully look over her shoulder, being mindful of her footing so she doesn't fall off the stepstool, "I am officially over onion rings. I've eaten so many of them these last couple of weeks that I don't think I can look at another one without getting nauseous."
"You don't know how happy I am to hear that."
"Yeah, now I'm onto grilled cheese sandwiches. I don't think I'll ever get tired of those."
She goes back to her phone because she left Jay's last message without a response. After rereading it again, she adjusts her hands around the cell to make it easier to use her thumbs to type up a response, thanks, but I don't think that's a good idea, -EV.
She sends it, but it sounds a bit harsh without an explanation, Not that I don't want or need the help, it's just, she pauses in order to think of the best way to word it before continuing, my parents are going to be here and helping and they are going to have questions and if we're not ready to tell them yet then it's probably best if you don't help out, -EV
I didn't think about that, -JH
I do appreciate you offering though but I don't have many boxes so we have it handled, -EV
Glad to hear that, -JH
"Who are you texting?"
Erin hadn't even realized she was staring at her phone, smiling ear to ear, while now sitting on the floor with her back resting against one of the walls in the living room. Her feet were hurting from standing for so long and even though the floor wasn't the most comfortable thing to sit on, she needed to give her feet a break. She moved her head side to side to work the tension out of the back of her neck, lifting her free hand to rub against the strained muscle, "Um," her phone alerts her to another message arriving, and she's suddenly stuck under the watchful eyes of her best friend, "it's Jay Halstead," his name is whispered from her lips.
She doesn't know if she's making the right decision in telling her best friend right now but she needs to talk about it, about him with somebody.
"I didn't catch that," Kim walks over and takes a seat beside her friend, "Who is it?"
Much more clearly, she speaks again, "Jay Halstead."
"You say that name as if it's supposed to mean something to me."
"…he works for my dad."
"Erin Lindsay-Voight," Kim gasps, voice screeching in a high-pitched tone that makes Erin's eardrum ring, "are you dating somebody?"
"No," she immediately squashes that idea.
"Are you thinking about dating him?"
"No, absolutely not."
"Are you thinking about dating at all?"
"No," she firmly states, leaving no room for argument. But, Kim finds herself confused by it all. She doesn't know why Erin is even texting someone from her dad's unit. There's a cloud of confusion obscuring her ability to make sense of all of this. And Erin doesn't seem too eager to help her clear the cobwebs that are starting to form in her mind.
"I- I don't get it," Kim says just as Erin's phone vibrates once again. She's in no rush to check it but Kim knows that's only because they're sitting next to each other and Erin doesn't want her friend to see the messages, "Who is he? And why are the two of you even talking?"
Desperately, Erin wants to get up and pace. And she tries, tucking her phone into the front of her pocket before using both of her hands to push herself up to her feet, leaving her out of breath. She's definitely still getting used to all that pregnancy involves because it's starting to get a little crowded in her stomach which is making it a little trickier for her lungs to expand enough to get a full breath.
She hates this.
She's only four months, almost at the halfway mark, and she can barely tolerate the pregnancy symptoms that she's already experiencing. She can't even imagine how she'll be able to handle whatever symptoms and developments want to arise in the next coming months. Erin runs her hands down the wrinkles in her shirt, "You have to promise me that you won't freak out or make a big deal out of things," she isn't making eye contact because for some reason she finds more interest in her dark green, low top converse sneakers than the big, brown eyes of her closest friend.
Kim pushes herself to her feet to join her friend in a standing position, "I promise," she murmurs because she's starting to grow worried with every second that passes by, "You can tell me."
And the clear signs of nervousness control every aspect of Erin's being. She's looking around quickly, there's no focus in her gaze. Her hands are clammy. Her heart is pounding. And if being easily winded wasn't already a symptom of her current state of pregnancy then it would probably become a symptom of her current state of anxiety. She starts to pace, hoping that her lungs can keep up with her growing urge to inhale and exhale at a faster rate. It's clear to Kim that Erin is on the verge of a panic attack -and Milo isn't here- and that means that Kim needs to do something before her growing anxiety turns into a full-blown panic attack.
"Hey," Burgess catches her friend by the arm, holding on tight enough to stop her pacing, "You can tell me, Er. I'm not going to judge you and I'm not going to freak out. Pinkie promise," she holds up her pinkie finger and waits with bated breath for Erin to twine hers around her finger. At the same time that Erin lifts her finger to wrap it around Kim's, she hears her friend remind her in a soothing tone, "Take a deep breath, in," Erin inhales, "and out," Erin exhales, and this happens over and over again until Erin's heartrate is evened out, "That's good, but I feel like if you don't tell me what Jay Halstead has to do with all of this then I'm going to have a panic attack next."
"He's the father of my baby."
Kim struggles to remain calm; she uses every ounce and fiber of her being to remind herself to uphold her promise to Erin. She swore to her friend that she won't freak out. And she can't because they pinkie promised, so, with a deep breath, an overwhelming and dramatic sigh, Kim squeezes out, "I thought you didn't know anything about him." It comes out strained. Her face is tight as she struggles to keep the smile pressed upon it.
"I didn't," Erin whispers before pulling away from her friend; she needs room, she needs to pace again, "and then I did after I ran into him at the precinct."
Kim doesn't know where to put her hands. She doesn't know where to turn, where to sit or what to do because right now, her legs are about to give out and she's going to fall over if she doesn't find something sturdy to lean on. And there's no furniture anywhere in sight, and the stepstool is neither tall enough nor strong enough to hold the weight of her leant figure so she's forced to settle against the uncomfortable wall until the solidity of it aches her shoulder. She goes back to sitting on the floor, thinking that if she's off her feet then there's no chance of her falling or passing out.
"Come join me," Kim pats the spot next to her but Erin rejects the request with the silent shake of her head, "okay then, well at least tell me everything that I missed."
And Erin doesn't mind doing that. She starts at the beginning, the night that she first met him in the bar and then the story trickles into running into him at his place of work, about his initial denial, the paternity test, meeting to go over the results and him accompanying her to all of her prenatal appointments, -minus the first one for obvious reasons consisting of her not being able to contact him and him being unaware of her pregnancy.
She tells her everything. It feels like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.
And all Kim can respond with is an asserted, "Shit. That's all so fucked."
"Tell me about it," Erin starts pulling at a piece of loose thread on her shirt to keep her focus on anything but the gaze of her best friend.
"When are you gonna tell your dad?"
Erin shrugs her shoulders and chances a glance up, "…I don't know…probably around the time I send the kid off to college or is that too soon?"
Kim sits up on her knees and moves forward, sliding her knees against the floor until she's at eye level with Erin's baby bump, "Er," she rubs her hand against the slight curve; it's so small that you'd probably miss it if you weren't looking for it, "you probably should have told him as soon as you found out. The longer you wait, the harder it'll be and the more pissed off he'll be."
"I don't want to think about that right now," Erin takes a big step back, moving far enough away that Kim's hand drops from her stomach. Her friend looks defeated. She knows that Erin's method of self-protection is denial, but right now there's nothing she could do about it. When Erin is in that mindset, there's no taking her out of it until she's ready. And she's not ready. Erin already knows that she'll have to tell her parents, so being reminded about it at this moment isn't doing her stress levels any good. The thought of it is big enough to send her into a panic attack.
"Alright fine then," Burgess throws her hands up in surrender as she sits back on her heels, "you can at least tell me about Jay. What does he look like? Is he hot?"
"Yeah," Erin chooses to be honest. Anyone can look at the man and tell that he's nice on the eyes, "but don't give me that look," Kim smirks, winking her eye as she moves closer, sliding her knees against the ground until she's back in front of Erin, "Stop with the look."
Once she's close enough, she sits back on her heels, "What look?" Kim plays innocent.
"The one on your face right now!" She exclaims, wishing she'd have her phone out right now to take a picture, but she knows Kim, she knows the second she pulls out her cell, she's going to drop the look on her face, "that's the look you always have when you think I should go for it, shoot my shot or something. Nothing is going to happen between me and him. He has a girlfriend."
And that look does immediately disappear off Kim's face, "Damn…you're too late."
"Not really," Erin replies, suddenly feeling her inner anxiety approaching with full force, "they've been together since before this," she points towards her stomach, implying to Kim exactly what she's trying to say without all of the words being said. She's grateful that Kim can read between the lines because if Erin has to spell it out for her then she'll probably start to hyperventilate.
Erin takes a deep breath as she carefully lowers herself to the floor. She's not far enough along in her pregnancy to need assistance but that doesn't mean Kim doesn't reach out her hand to at least attempt to help. Erin simply waves her away, face scrunching up in annoyance because she refuses to deal with this for another five months. With her knees bent, feet crossed in a relaxed cross-legged position, she lays her palms down flat behind her to lean back, "This is better."
"I'm so glad you're comfortable Erin but I'm antsy over here waiting for details. He was in a relationship when he slept with you? He got you pregnant while having a girlfriend?" Kim's eyes were blown wide in disbelief as she scooted forward to listen as Erin filled her in on all of the details that she was made aware of, -he was on a break in his relationship and now the break is over. He had told his girlfriend about her and the baby but he didn't go into detail on how she received the news. Erin -and now Kim- can only assume she didn't take it well.
"This is all such a mess," she's breathing pretty hard and Kim doesn't want to draw too much attention to it because it'll only freak her friend out worse, "and I'm not supposed to be stressed but how can I not be when-" her words are cut off by the vibration of her cell phone. She sniffs before digging into her pocket and pulling it out, "I don't even remember what I was about to say but I don't know how I'm going to raise a baby with a complete stranger."
"You guys won't always be strangers," Kim reached forward to rub her friend's leg.
"We'll have a co-parenting relationship solely focused on what's best for our kid, and I don't mind that, I prefer that above all else but it won't be as simple as that sounds because we'll have my dad and especially his girlfriend causing more problems than needed."
"His girlfriend didn't end things after finding out?"
"No," Erin sniffs, using the back of one hand to wipe her nose while the other hand keys her passcode into her phone to unlock it, "I don't know the details on how it all went down but the overall conclusion of it is that she's staying with him and fighting for their relationship."
Kim coughs, "Desperate."
"Stop," Erin slaps her friend's hand, "I don't want a romantic relationship with him, Kim, so whether the girlfriend is in the picture with him or not shouldn't matter."
"…then why does it seem like it matters?"
For a long moment, Erin thinks to herself to evaluate the answer to that question, "…because," she stalls, clears her throat and fidgets uncomfortably, "because I'm going to raise my kid as a single mom but when my kid goes to their dad's house then it'll be the perfect, nuclear family. The kid will go from a one-parent household to a two-parent. I'll always be in constant competition."
"You'll fucking never be in competition with that woman. Your Little E's mom, always will be and that will never change no matter how present she tries to be in the baby's life."
"…and if she convinces him to sue for custody? On paper, a two-parent, two-income household looks way better than what I currently have going on. Seriously, Kim, I have a fucking dog because I can't handle my anxiety. What judge would ever rule in my favor?"
"I don't know but that doesn't matter because he wouldn't dare try to take your kid away from you."
"You don't know that. You don't know him."
And Kim couldn't argue against that because it was the truth. She doesn't know him or what he'll do, but neither does Erin. He never expressed interest in having full custody so there's no point in assuming and getting worked up over an issue that may never exist. Kim watches Erin read whatever text message had been sent to her phone, "Is that him," she waits patiently for an answer and after the message is read, Erin nods, "and what's baby daddy talking about?"
"Pleaseeeeeeee don't call him that," she couldn't help but smile at the nickname and Kim mentally pats herself on the back for managing to turn her best friend's frown upside down, "and apparently his girlfriend's job is planning an employee-family bonfire and he wants me to go," and Erin scoffs because really, what's the chances of this message coming in at the heart of her current worry; a following message pops up the second she finishes the last one, "Abby wants to meet me."
Kim leaned back, taking it all in herself, "Wow, so she really stayed with him even after getting you pregnant," she's finally processing that piece of information that she'd gotten minutes ago, "she's a better woman than me because I could never." Her comment was in no response to the message and once she blinks out of whatever daze she found herself lost in, she questions, "Do you think you'll go?" Kim meets Erin's eyes, "to the bonfire?" she clarifies.
"I don't know. I mean…why would she want to meet me?"
"…maybe because you're going to be in each other's life."
"She probably hates my guts. If I were her, I'd hate my guts."
"You don't know that," Kim resumes the soothing strokes against her friend's leg.
"I'm having her boyfriend's baby and while Jay didn't go into detail about how she took the news, I know it wasn't pretty. I can read between the lines."
"…maybe she's trying to keep the peace."
Erin shrugs, "…or maybe she's trying to look good in her boyfriend's eyes."
"I think you should go."
"And I think you should go with me."
"I wasn't invited."
"…but I just invited you."
"I have to work."
"I didn't even tell you when it is."
"Well, when is it?"
Erin goes back to the message to see if it was mentioned, "All he knows is it's in a few weeks. He says he'll let me know the date once he knows. It's still being planned and they're trying to pick a day when it's nice outside," she starts to reply on her phone before reading her response aloud, "I don't have an answer right now, but I'll let you know when I do," she was about to put her phone away when she decided to add, if I do come, my best friend will be joining me, -EV
That's fine, the more, the merrier, -JH
"This is like a lifetime movie," Kim asserts, shaking her head as she tries to process all of the information she's just been fed moments ago, "it's like with every turn there's another plot twist."
Kim stares at her friend, kind of expecting her to laugh at the joke she'd just cracked but she can tell that Erin's too caught up in her thoughts and the current texting conversation to even pay attention to anything that Kim is saying. She observes her friend, watching the corners of her lips twitch as a smile pulls upon them. She's still texting him -Kim knows it- and she's so curious to know what they're talking about but the way Erin is staring at her phone has her thinking that if she were to ask, if she were to say anything then she'd be intruding on such an intimate moment.
She watches her in silence. She has no intention of breaking the tranquility that surrounds them until she notices the small drop of red blood fall from her left nostril, "Er," Kim hates herself for interrupting her peace, "sorry, but um, your nose. It's bleeding again."
Grabbing the tissue, she shoved into her back pocket, Erin pulls it out and dabs her nose, "Thanks."
"No problem," Kim whispers, patting her thigh before standing to collect the empty boxes that the curtains and blinds were stored in, "and when Jay knows more details about the bonfire, let me know. I can't have you facing his girlfriend solo. What kind of friend would I be?"