Chris had no idea where he was or what he was even doing here. He found himself in what appeared as a vast ballroom. Except it was so white it could be mistaken for a hospital or the eery plain between Earth and the afterlife. He found himself standing before a podium as black and solid as a memorial rock. The soft clutches of the stereotypical lab coat rustling at his sides like cool, creepy ghosts ruffling his skin. Crowding about him from the stage stood an entire crowd dressed in black like a funeral. Only their wide and disturbing smiles were seen as they applauded, shouted light crackles of praise, and focused their featureless faces onto him.
His anxiety was coursing like crazy through his veins. He felt his breath hitch and his body quiver from the unwanted attention. Is this really how I see my successes in engaging with people? He gulped inwardly. Yes…. Echoed his deeper self. As the biologist scanned the room, he realized none of his colleagues, friends, nor family were there. Speaking of family, where was Martin?! I could really benefit from seeing your smile or at least that flag of yours you HOPEFULLY still have… Chris internally whined to himself.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a soft blue light that contradicted the harsh whiteness of the ballroom. He turned his gaze to a window of light blue glass, the moon's light being filtered from white to blue through it. His eyes followed the black outline of the window. Tracing the entire shape until he realized in slight shock that it was in the shape of a human skull. As if that wasn't a big indicator enough, two of the window panes were perfectly aligned for two sharp eyes of translucent black. Uuuuuhhhhh, I don't remember signing up for any biology lectures at White Skull Castle…. The brunette shuddered.
"Oh, just die already you pathetic loser!"
Chris felt a chill strike through his spine as quickly as lightning. He focused his gaze through the ominous window to find a huge, inky crowd outside. They were all gathered around a pit of quicksand watching a man with blonde hair and blue sink- "MARTIN?!?!?!?!" Chris did not waste a second launching off the platform and smashing through the glass like an action hero. Crystal shards of black scattered throughout the air as he flew through the window. He landed lightly as a leopard on his feet.
Yet no sooner did he stand up when suddenly the shadowy masses confronted him:
"What are you doing? Let him be!"
"He brought this upon himself, playing in the sand."
"He wanted to be here but didn't plan ahead!"
"Don't bother, you'll get dragged down too!"
"He flew too close to the sun, all Icarus are fated to end that way!"
Chris immediately jumped to his brother's defense. "Oh shut up all you damn shadow-faced idiots! Especially you damn classical Greek mythology lover…that strangely sounds like that one college kid that never liked my bro!" He pointed accusingly at one of the shadow folks. The shadow he accused stepped forward, "Yes, I didn't like him. But did you ever ask why?" The younger Kratt's steely resolve took a slight hit as he realized he never did bother to figure out why. He just wrote off that guy as someone that couldn't be trusted with his big brother.
Another shadow stepped forward, also a voice from his past. "Chris! It's me! Felicia! I loved you! I know I wasn't perfect and I couldn't help being a bit spoiled from my upbringing. But…Christopher please! If you didn't let me go could I have learned to love your brother? Or would I have resigned myself to being always placed second to him?" The ghostly voice of his first and last girlfriend spoke aloud with a hint of tearful rejection that time had yet to harden to acceptance.
The biologist felt his resolve get shaken again. He always thought Felicia was being the selfish one for not being patient with Martin and wanting to keep his brother out of their shared life. However, the shadow of herself did have a point. He regrettably prioritized being there for Martin over solidifying his relationship with Felicia. Did he love her? He DID care about her but…he could not deny that Martin always got Chris' attention first before she did. The brunette suddenly wondered what his younger self was doing. Did he break up with her too soon just because she had yet to learn how to accept Martin. Or did he break up because the paranoia entrenched deep within his mind panicked into thinking he would have to choose between the two?
"You got that from your mother." The brunette whirled around to face another shadow this time with the voice of his own father. "I should have caught on sooner because she needed help. I should have listened to my own family sooner. I should have stood my ground instead of letting her run things as she had during your childhood son. She should have been treated sooner and now you are like her.
Paranoid about everyone and everything, keeping Martin out if everyone's reach like SHE DID. She always was fearful of losing you boys but especially Martin to someone else. Did you only agree to your brother's idea to form the Wild Kratts to keep Martin to yourself? How could you son? Rob him of the chance to finally grow up and be free from the DAMN FANTASY conjured in his own mind?! Cultivated from being imprisoned by your own mother?!
YOU KNOW your brother is nothing but a sweet summer child because your mother ensured he would always remain that way! When she was sick she was selfish. And you, who KNOWS better and is TAKING medication, you're now being as selfish as HER. Indulging in his fantasy world that should have died! Keeping him from civilization and people by having him roam the wilderness for the rest of his days-" "SHUT UP YOU FREAKING IMPOSTER!!! EXPLORING THE ANIMAL KINGDOM IS BOTH OF OUR DREAMS!!" Chris furiously cut off the shadow. Whose confrontation struck the most.
"It was Martin's idea! He wanted it and was willing to work his DAMN TAIL OFF to achieve it! I agreed to help because I wanted to care for and protect animals like he did! My current job hardly gave me that satisfaction and NEITHER did his job!! He was always the creative problem solver and this was his solution. Forming the Wild Kratts! You cannot say that animal and ecological conservation is a "fantastical delusion" considering how important it is to preserve our planet!! WHICH BY THE WAY WE ONLY HAVE ONE OF!! So if you think I'M keeping my damn brother a child-"
"But what else does he know? He has so many talents. Yet he could only pursue the one thing your mother was sure would never take him away. Yet the moment he found a way to use that one passion to escape-I had to step in. And now here you are, using that same passion to keep him tied to you alone AND NO ONE ELSE." The shadow hissed in his father's voice.
"NO! I-" Chris began.
"CHRIS HELP!!!"
The biologist shot up towards the panicked voice of his older brother. His beloved sibling now deep into the quicksand. The brunette immediately lunged for his brother only for the shadows to screech as they rushed forward. Latching onto him with vice like grips and holding him back from saving Martin. "LET ME GO YOU DAMN BLASTED SHADOW CREEPS!!!" He squirmed violently as he tried to break free. The shadows hissed as their voices rose:
"Let him go."
"You can't always be there for him! He needs to learn how to be on his own!"
"You have a life of your own Chris! Why give up yours to satisfy his own life?"
"You have so much potential to be someone greater than just the other Wild Kratt Brother!"
"You sacrifice EVERYTHING for him but is it worth the price?!"
"You are not your brother Chris!"
"He can do fine all on his own-IF YOU LET HIM SO LET HIM GO!"
"NNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!"
"You don't need him and he doesn't need you!"
"You're giving up your future for nothing but the past!"
"Free yourself from him, you are no longer kept at HER home!"
"He is not your everything and neither are YOU his everything!"
"You're jealous of how he likes Aviva!"
"Ok, whichever one of you creeps said that last part is a total idiot." Chris frowned unamused. "Because frankly, I'm very relieved that gal can stand him enough to like him."
The one shadow who made that very dubious, somewhat stupid, and sus claim immediately vanished. However, it didn't save him from the others.
"Let him go!"
"Let him go!"
"Let him go!"
"Let him go!"
"Let him go!"
"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Chris instantly transformed into a mighty green grizzly bear. Breaking free from the shadows to rescue Martin. Barreling through the screaming crowd he forced his way to the sand pit. Only to discover the quicksand nearly had his big brother completely buried in its unrelenting depths of grittiness. He threw himself forward only for his claws to just barely grasp Martin's outstretched hands. Yet before he could use all his strength to pull him in-
"They are right, you know."
Chris blinked at the sound of his brother's voice.
"I am holding you back."
Chris' eyes widened in utter disbelief.
"I'm sorry…..Let me go…"
Chris watched in paralyzed horror as his big brother let go and allowed the quicksand to finally swallow him whole.
He screamed as his heart shattered, as the tsunami of grief swallowed him whole-oh wait. He wasn't drowning, just wet. Very wet. Practically soaked in his favorite sweater and cargo pants. The startled creature adventurer sat up in bed, somehow torn away from the ruthless world of shadows. Koki sat beside him in her light red colored pajamas trimmed with white stars. The source of the tsunami that freed him from that nightmare was likely from the half-full water jug she held in her hands.
"Uuuummm….Thanks for getting me that glass of water Cokes." He lamely joked with an uneasy shudder one often had from escaping freaking inner trauma. The communication specialist raised an eyebrow, "You haven't called me that nickname in a while. I remember you used to call me that during the first few weeks of the Wild Kratts' starting out. I never found out why you stopped."
"Probably because you kept slinging a coke can at me everytime I said it. And it didn't help that coca-cola was your favorite soda flavor of all things!" The brunette quipped back with a smirk. Koki couldn't help but chuckle, "Too bad I didn't fill this jug with coca-cola then! Although, that would be wasting a lot of good coke on a sassy aleck like you!" She nudged him playfully, splashing a bit of the jug water on accident onto him.
"Heeeyy!! You already got my favorite sweater wet! Quit it Cokes!" He protested playfully as he shook his wet hair like a cat desperate to get dry. Pelting the mechanic next to him with slightly cool wet droplets. Hey! Now don't you start Kitty Boy!" The dark skinned ravenette as she splashed water from the jug on purpose this time. Chris immediately scooted far away and held up a pillow for defense. "You're one to talk! Why Kitty Boy? Although I am a cat person, you didn't know that during the first three and a half weeks together! Yet you called me that!" He brought up with a quizzical look.
"Cokes" smirked as she answered, "Why not? You were as smug in your knowledge and sassy in interaction as a cat. Still are apparently. Also you always keep your hair well-groomed and you get hissy whenever you're disturbed. All catlike behavior to me. It also doesn't help that you are as slender, nimble, and adept in tree-climbing as a kitty!" She giggled humorously. Chris rolled his eyes good-naturedly, "And here I am giving you a lousy nickname that's just a word play on your own name. While you generously give me a painstakingly made nickname based on your observations of me!"
The two shared a moment of comfortable silence before Koki spoke up. "So Chris, mind tell me what disturbed your dreams like a banshee?" The man next to her stiffened, preparing for another emotional lockdown. "Cokes. It's just stress-induced dreams and I apologize for my behavior in the last chapter. I'll make it up to you after getting some-" "Chris that wasn't you." The brunette blinked, "What?! Koki, I highly doubt Zach had enough time or insight to send that stupid Zachbot of me onboard-" Only to be cut off, "You know what I'm talking about Christopher Fredrick James Kratt!" The communication specialist next to him glared sternly at him.
The biologist gulped, oh no, he definitely wasn't going to get out of this now. Koki grasped his hand gently but firmly enough to prevent him from pulling back into himself. She breathed in deeply before continuing carefully, "The Chris I know wouldn't be wrecking important equipment like his creature pod just because he was angry. He knows Jimmy isn't useless despite the latter's weaknesses. He would never yell at Aviva so harshly or fling me to the floor like a worn baseball cap. YET, for some troubling reason the Chris everyone knows wasn't there yesterday. He let some unknown alleyway jerk take his steed instead. None of us appreciated that Christopher."
The guilty culprit gulped as he rubbed the back of his head in shame. Before he could say anything Koki went on, "Chris. I know you prefer to handle things on your own. Especially the personal stuff. However, you usually have a good handle on things except for that crazy incident yesterday. Which indicates that maybe you need help this time. So Kitty Boy, would you mind sharing? I can't guarantee I can help but, letting a little of that fire out from yesterday safely would not hurt." She pleaded with all the persuasion her heart could muster. Which was a lot considering how worried she truly was for Chris and the wildlife expert saw this in her eyes.
Huh, she always had such nice eyes. And at the moment she does have a point. The mentally tormented man sighed as he gave in, "Well, this may seem a little off topic. But….you want to know why I agreed with Martin's idea to form the Wild Kratts?" Koki did not expect that to pop up but took it in stride, "Does it have to do with the nightmare and all the times you nearly lost your cool during the Frozen Campaigns?" The brunette nodded as he dragged out the long-hidden secret from the dark depths of his mind.
He began, "I'll summarize it for you. You met my parents right? I don't blame you if they seem to be a happy and content couple. However, that was not the case about 25-30 years ago. Fortunately, they have more or less rebuilt their relationship and it's flourishing as if it never happened." Koki was glad to hear they were doing well. Not too glad about the fact they were suffering martially before she met them. "What exactly rocked the boat of their marriage?" She asked.
Chris coughed, "Bipolar disorder. My mom is the one diagnosed with it." His friend cringed as she said, "I honestly don't know much about that specific disorder. Except it's supposed to be really bad. Mind painting me a picture?" The troubled young man before her sighed tiredly as he explained, "To put it simply, it's a game of walking on eggshells. You participate unwillingly and automatically lose every time you crack on an eggshell. Which is nearly impossible to NOT do because more eggshells are created than you can walk past.
The person dishing out your punishment is two-faced in a way. One moment they are the greatest person ever and you're eternally grateful you have them in your life. The next it can change entirely and you're dealing with a monstrous caricature of the person you thought you knew. Left to wonder what on earth you did to deserve such a switcheroo. Then just as you are adjusting to the whims of the new person they are SUDDENLY back to being the person you previously believed they were. You are instantly gratified that the person you loved is supposedly back to normal. You tell yourself you were overreacting and that the person you know and love in your heart was just having "an off moment".
Nobody is perfect after all! That stranger you thought you were stuck with is merely just the person you love on a bad day. Good! Move on, as long as you keep the person you love happy then you will never have to face that angry, terrifying version of themselves again. You just have to be the good kid they need you to be and everything should be fine! That is what you are led to believe. So you do everything, absolutely everything to keep the one you love happy! You owe it to them! They love you and they need you as much as you do them!
Alas, once you are back to the new groove of things. It…Suddenly shatters without warning as the monster you thought you outsmarted returns even angrier and longer than before. And you are left wondering what you did to the person you vowed to keep happy. What was the sin that persuaded your loved one to become a monster again? So are left scrambling to pick up the pieces and somehow make things right. Then just as SOON as you do-it's no longer necessary because the monster suddenly vanishes again. And the cycle repeats and repeats and repeats…"
The young lady beside him stayed silent for a few minutes as she processed what he told her. Finally she spoke again with a slight tremor in her tone, "Chris. You know the definition of insanity is attempting the same thing over and over for the sake of different results. How have you not been driven insane by all of that?! You-" She suddenly stopped as something clicked in her mind. Chris' anxiety around others, why he was always so willing to help, why he was so forgiving of others like his disaster-prone brother or any of their villains.
His need to keep on top of things, always organized, why he had to be the responsible one. Why he almost always freaked the moment he discovered even the tiniest of details being overlooked. Why things always had to be planned ahead and prepared for. As if the minute he lost control of the situation he would be facing the possible disappointment and anger of others? As if he would be punished for failing to please those he promised to help? He always played it cool, but the uptight nervousness he tried so hard to conceal would somehow seep out of the cracks.
It all made damn sense now and frankly, that was one horrible way of acquiring a sense of responsibility-with an after-effect that would never quite go away. "Chris. You never told anyone about this, did you?" The brunette sighed, "Why would I? It's my own personal business." He shifted uncomfortably before pushing on, "It took a long while until she got proper help. My dad was busy with his job to keep us afloat but eventually…homelife interfered. By the time he had her diagnosed and adjusted to a new schedule of medical treatment for her condition…..Martin was already a freshman in college and I was a sophomore in highschool…..
My brother eventually graduated and succeeded in a sense. However…." The younger Kratt took a moment to cough a little. "Because of the environment we grew up in he became a certain way. I probably am too. Being silly, happy-go-lucky, optimistic, and childish always seemed to make mom happy. So he took it all in stride to keep it that way, just for her. However, it did not leave a lot of room for maturing on his own terms and what he wanted personally for his life. Mom always seemed to want his attention 24/7 and of course as the eldest….he felt he had to comply.
Now early on her bipolar disorder wasn't THAT bad during our early childhood. The doctors have yet to pinpoint what caused it. It just that overtime, the more we denied she had a problem the more it snowballed until-it nearly suffocated us. Her mental health grew so distorted to the point that dad really had no choice but to confront something that should have been handled the moment the first red flag popped up." He paused for a short while. He could not believe he was basically confessing something that only his intermediate family and family doctors knew.
Fortunately, the woman clad in red and stars before him was someone he could trust. Especially with all the life-or-death-moments they survived over the seven years of being fellow crewmates on a giant turtle ship that honestly should have gone up in flames a long time ago. Yet here they were. Not only surviving near creature catastrophe on a daily basis but also thriving to the point they were invited to a national fundraiser of large ecological potential. (And their first financially successful event definitely proved the point!) Koki and he had each other's backs like he did with Martin and their other two Wild Kratt members.
He could trust her.
"I kind of have an idea on how it affected you. However, what about Martin?" Koki dared to ask despite the hidden fear of finding out in her voice. Chris sucked in a huge breath. He didn't want to say it. Yet something within him refused to lock back in place. "Martin….he's a nice guy, a total goofball and klutz. He's brilliant, charming, kind, and very caring towards others.
The problem is…it's easy to forget that with his flaws. He's forgetful, disorganized, rambunctious, reckless, impulsive, gets too attached, hyperactive, puerile, over-optimistic, impatient, easily distracted, and sometimes his sunny personality can be a bit too overwhelming at times. And too many people have marked down Martin for his flaws despite how great a guy he is. Friends would get turned away, superiors would get tired of his antics, people accuse him of being an irresponsible child, he would get taken advantage of, no one would take him seriously…It happened too many times for my liking and I think for him too.
As for myself I…..I knew Martin all my life. Our mom slowly but surely cut everyone out of our lives during childhood until dad finally put the brakes on her condition. He was mostly the only one I could count on that wouldn't scream at me for choosing the wrong tea or expect me to take care of everything by myself. He took care of me, took the brunt of mom's emotional waves, and did his best to help out dad. He……sacrificed so much. I couldn't just leave Martin all by himself after what he did for me.
On the other hand too, I did NOT want to be with anyone else. We humans like to stick to what's familiar to us and I'm kind of resentful towards humanity as a whole." "How so?" Koki inquired with slight shock. Chris' light brown eyes grew dark as the light faded from the shadows within clouded his gaze. "Well, besides the obvious on how a lot of people treated my brother like disposable crap. Nobody helped us back then. No one came to our aid.
Sure, there was grandma but she lives clear across the country and had to look after my shitty grandpa and my cousin Renee. You met her, I told you of Renee's autism before. Grandma did her best to help out once in a while but we were on our own for 80% of the time. And when you are in a dark place while watching others outside not giving a damn on how you are. You just…..don't want to bother with those self-centered people that have everything you don't.
So when Martin came up with the Wild Kratts I took the plunge with him and here we are today." For a long while after there was only stone silence. Until a woman's voice broke it, "Does Martin even know this? That these issues you have had since forever are still bothering you?" A man's voice hesitated to answer but reluctantly did so, "No. He thinks it's just mundane social anxiety and that I wanted to join because I loved animals as much as he did. I mean that's true but that wasn't the only reason-" "HE THINKS IT'S JUST WHAT?!?!?!" Koki suddenly jumped up and nearly spilled all the water from her jug.
Before Chris could stop her she thrust the jug at him. Before snatching the biologist's seemingly innocent bottle of social anxiety medication. She ripped off the fake label, (that obviously looked so real that only Chris could have pulled it off.) To discover what kind of medication he was actually taking and what it was exactly for. Scrawled in an elegant medical professional's script was a listing of not one but three mental health issues linked to Chris' Kratt name: Separation Anxiety Disorder, OCD, & Suppressed Anger.
Chris' anxiety with others beside Martin….his organizational mindset….the hidden rage finally rearing its ugly head…
It felt no different from tearing off an imposter's mask. All this time he had masterfully played the role as the cool Kratt brother that knew what he was doing. When in reality he was just barely keeping himself together. He definitely was an amazing actor and the secret help from his unknown doctor definitely kept the illusion from shattering. Yet being forced to confront the very scenarios that pushed him to accept Martin's proposal in the first place. No thanks to a well-meaning but regretfully LONG fundraiser they had just finished 1/7 of. The cracks were starting to form and managed to get a long enough peek to see who was concealed behind the facade.
To think for the last seven years Martin never knew.
He never knew.
That had to change.
"Cokes" breathed in deeply as she confronted the guilty brunette with one stern sentence, "You need to tell him before New Year's."