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X.O.X
Wednesday, 11th August, 1869
One Day Later - 16 Weeks Gestation
X.O.X
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Michaela felt her hand glide over the rough edge of the door as she closed it, her last patient for the day having just left.
Briskly crossing the room, she filed all the patients' charts from that day, and returned to her desk, idly neatening various items, waiting until she knew she was alone. Pushing the chair back slightly, Michaela opened the shallow drawer in front of her, the still-sealed envelope she'd received the earlier that day rested harmlessly atop a pile of unsorted papers.
Gingerly pulling the immaculately sealed envelope from the drawer, Michaela fumbled to open it, her eyes scanning over the long, precisely-written letter, seeing only fragments of sentences and the odd word, before she took a breath and forced herself to read the contents slowly from the beginning:
Dear Madam,
You ask me to put in requisition my medical and surgical knowledge and skill for the purpose of producing a premature birth of the infant you suppose you are carrying, and its consequent death.
Were such a procedure admissible under any circumstances, this is too flimsy a plea to afford even a decent excuse, much less a justification, for so grave a procedure. In putting forward such an excuse, are you not ignoring the demands of duty, and pleading the most intense and unmitigated selfishness as a justification for destroying life?
As a medical man, I know that no such work can be done, either by medical or surgical means, without endangering health or life. However skillfully the work may be done, health or life is always imperiled. The whole proceeding is utterly unnatural, and Nature is sure to be revenged on those who trample on her laws. What, then, do you ask me to do? Simply to become accessory to an act which I know may make you an invalid for life; that may send you forth a maimed and miserable woman; or that may send you into the presence of your maker unbidden.
To bring the thing down to its essence, what are you asking me to do, when clothed in plain English? Simply to kill your own child! Is not this murder, in the view of the Decalogue, which says, "Thou shalt not kill"? The thing has all the characteristics of willful and deliberate murder. In the first place there is a premeditated destruction of life; in the next it is an individual life - it is also a human life. Should I acquiesce in your purpose, and lend you my aid and assistance, it would be a deliberate, premeditated, killing of a human being.
I know, indeed, that men, to silence their own consciences, and bring their minds to consent to the horrible work, endeavor to make themselves believe that the child in utero is not a human life till after what is termed quickening has taken place. But if it is not a human life from the very moment when the ovulum and the spermatozoa unite and attach themselves to the uterine walls, and commence development and growth, what is it? If it is not a living thing, how could it attach itself to the walls of the uterus, draw nourishment from the mother and grow? Dead matter does not do such things as this. Now, if it has life, what kind of life is it? What but human life? Surely it can be nothing but the most shallow sophistry that can attempt to defend the idea that the destruction of the child in utero, at any and every stage of its intra-uterine life, is not the killing of a human being!
I trust my words will provide you with the necessary clarification, and terminate whatever lingering doubt there may be in your mind. The needless destruction of a living human being is undisputable murder, and I would hold in the utmost contempt any woman who might bring herself to endanger her own life in the attempted commission of such a disgraceful crime.
Yours Sincerely,
Dr Horatio Robinson Storer, M.D.
Michaela felt the fine paper in her fingers, suddenly realizing just how much of the Bostonian sophistication and abruptness she had forgotten. Her moral upbringing and ethical training only served to reinforce that everything contained within the letter was true; in wanting this child dead, she was indeed contemplating the greatest mortal sin she knew of.
The crisp paper crumpled in her fingers, Michaela turned at the sound of children being dismissed from school. Her attention directed through the window facing onto the street, Michaela didn't hear the gentle knock at the door, her thoughts many miles away until she reacted instinctively to a familiar sound.
"Hey Ma! Ma?" Brian slipped into the room, clunking his books on the corner of her desk, arriving at her side, before Michaela had fully comprehended his presence.
"Afternoon, Brian. How, how was school?" Michaela folded the letter up quickly and slipped it back into the drawer of her desk before closing it and rising to her feet.
"Was all right. Colleen said to tell you she needs to stay back a bit. She and Lewis are still rehearsin'. Can we go over see Mr. Bray?" Brian reached eagerly for her wrist, Michaela struggling to take-in the information he was imparting upon her; the boy's uncultured, down-to-earth dialect a far cry from the more 'civilized' language she'd just been processing.
"Ma?" Brian repeated somewhat more impatiently, as he pulled on her arm once again, Michaela frowning in disorientation, merely following behind him, as he led her out onto the porch and towards the store.
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X.O.X
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"Look, Ma, see. This one you can open the roof and see all the people sittin' inside and," Brian held the heavy metal train up in front of her, Michaela nodding with feigned interest before glancing back towards the main street, Colleen still not having met them after rehearsals.
"And that one, Brian, see that one's just the train driver, driving the train," Loren took the other toy from the shelf, spinning the wheels and capturing the child's interest.
"Aww and look, you can connect them together," Brian set the two objects down on the countertop, Michaela folding her arms with a fed up sigh.
"Brian, you stay here. I'm going to get your sister," Michaela paced across the store, shaking her head as she made her way out onto the porch and along the street, disappearing from view.
"Look, Mr. Bray, see. Whoo-whoo, watch out, train's comin', train's comin'," The boy giggled, continuing to circle the carriages around the wooden countertop.
"You better stop, let the passengers get off. Look, think some more want to get on," Loren reached into the glass jar and prized out a stick of licorice, carefully molding two small pieces into 'people', and placing them on the edge of the counter.
"Oh right. All aboard, all aboard," Brian opened the green carriage, neatly plopping the additions into their seats, Loren distracting the boy with the remainder of the stick of licorice.
"Thanks, Mr. Bray," The boy chewed enthusiastically on the candy, before setting the train off again, around and around the countertop.
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X.O.X
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"But I can give you so much. What has he to offer? I can give you the finest home, the richest jewels, we can travel, to the end of the earth my dear," Lewis clasped his hand across his heart slightly over-dramatically, Colleen chuckling and shaking her head, having thoroughly enjoyed the last half an hour or so in his company.
"You can't do that, it's not like this is Shakespeare. Uum, here, take my hand and, I can take a step towards you, like this," Colleen felt her cheeks flush, as Lewis slowly entwined his fingers within hers, each taking a step closer so that they bumped together slightly more forcefully than either had intended.
"S-sorry," Lewis cleared his throat, although not letting go of Colleen's hand.
"Um, ah," Colleen racked her brain desperately for her next line. "But it is not jewels, nor a fine home that is of greatest importance, for they are fleeting, and provide of immediate enjoyment. What good is the largest house, if there is not laughter within; the most stunning jewels, if they are not given out of love," The young girl struggled to follow each of her lines together, barely able to concentrate as she felt Lewis' chest press against her shoulder.
"But I have told you of my love. Why, only moments ago, I knelt, I confessed to you my love, I asked for your hand," Lewis lowered his eyes to hers, both knowing they were drawing closer towards the climax of the play, having rehearsed it several times before, although never alone.
"Love is not only a word, love is a commitment. To truly love someone, you must prove this love each day, through your actions. It is what is in your heart that speaks the loudest, not the material possessions you may offer," Colleen felt his fingers slip from hers, Lewis' left arm sliding from her shoulder to her upper arm, as he stepped away.
"Then I will go," he announced in dignified defeat, Colleen reaching for the sleeve of his shirt.
"Wait, so that I may be sure. Kiss me once, then go," she smiled coyly, the young adults struggling to remain in character and disguise the mutual affection they felt for the other.
Colleen swallowed, feeling her lips meet dryly as he stepped back towards her. The nervous excitement between them caused each to move awkwardly. Lewis rested his arms shakily on her shoulders, Colleen fixing her eyes on his as his face drew closer and closer towards hers. The tingling anxiousness caused her breathing to rise in her chest, the young girl letting her eyes drop closed as she felt his lips upon her own. The darkness behind her eyes was matched only by the pin drop silence around then, Colleen feeling as if it may last forever.
"Colleen!" The silence was broken in an instant by a shrill, contemptuous holler.
Her eyelids fluttering open as Lewis' lips left her mouth, the young girl recognized the voice, her hands gripping the sides of her skirt as Lewis pulled away from her side, his face flushed in guilty remorse.
"We were, we were only," Colleen licked her lips, Michaela remaining with her fists clenched by her side in furious disapproval.
"D-Dr Mike, it w-weren't, I mean," Lewis stuttered in equal embarrassment.
"Brian tells me you were rehearsing, so I came over here and, Colleen, I," Michaela unclenched her hands and rested them firmly around her waist before turning and storming back outside.
"I, I'm sorry. Lewis, I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow," Colleen brushed the mortified boy's arm softly, before rolling her eyes and following Michaela outside and down the steps, Colleen immediately jumping to her own defense as they began their brisk stride back towards town.
"Dr Mike, you had no right to overreact like that! We were rehearsing. It's in the play!" Colleen ran down the porch steps, struggling to keep up with Michaela.
"I'm surprised at you, Colleen. I thought you knew better," Michaela turned slightly to address the girl, before quickly recommencing her angered pace.
"Ask the Reverend if you don't believe me and what do you mean, 'knew better', was only a kiss. I'm old enough. I'm fourteen, almost fifteen, some girls a gettin' married only a few years older than me," Colleen raised an eyebrow in retaliation.
"Well, that has absolutely nothing to do with you. What were you thinking, being alone with him like that," Michaela gestured her right hand back towards the schoolhouse, irrational rage threatening to boil over.
"It's Lewis. It's Lewis, Dr Mike. He's my friend. And I happen to like him, ain't nothin' wrong with that, just coz you," Colleen took a breath quickly, stopping herself immediately, realizing it wasn't fair to dig up the past to win an argument.
"Even if you were old enough to be seeing a young man, it's still not appropriate to be, alone, like that, no matter how you may feel about him. What if it hadn't of been me to see you. What if Dorothy, or the Reverend, or anyone for that matter. It isn't what you were or weren't doing, Colleen. it's what it looks like," Michaela softened her voice slightly, only trying to protect her daughter's reputation.
"You're a fine one to lecture me anyway, when you're doing the exact same thing, hidin' the truth. How'd you feel if the Reverend knew what you were doin'? In fact, let's go ask him, shall we? See what he says is gonna look worse in God's eyes. A quick kiss in a schoolroom, or tryin' to kill an innocent little baby?" Colleen squinted her eyes tightly, sick of tip-toeing around the truth.
Michaela looked around them instinctively, as if to ensure no-one had heard. By that stage, the pair had arrived by the edge of the bridge, Michaela choosing her words carefully as she rested her arms over the edge of the railing, looking down at the cool water trickling along underneath.
"How did you know?" Michaela whispered, realizing that refusing to talk with the young girl, would only force Colleen to confide in someone else.
"I, I don't know, just puttin' everything together. Knew you ain't had a monthly, and you were faintin'. Then last weekend when Brian saw you gettin' changed, he saw," Colleen was cut off when Michaela, a horrified expression on her face, turned back to her.
"Brian knows?" Michaela's voice cracked in her throat slightly, Colleen shrugging her shoulders noncommittally; if Michaela thought she was under more pressure, maybe that would help her face up to the situation.
"Dr Mike, how long did you think you could just hide something like this?" The young girl shook her head in bewilderment, slowly taking two steps closer to Michaela on the bridge.
"I don't know. I thought, at first I didn't want to believe it and then, I thought it wasn't true. By the time I realized it was, I, I was hoping, that perhaps I could take care of things." Michaela's voice was crisp, her last sentence drawing Colleen's response immediately.
"But it's wrong, Dr Mike. I never would have thought you'd think that way. Doesn't the Oath you took, specifically say you ain't allowed to," Colleen scrunched up her nose thoughtfully, her arms folded on top of the railing.
Michaela dropped her head slightly, before turning to her left, Colleen looking curiously for a response.
"It's not as simple as I thought it would be, Colleen. Believe me, I felt exactly the same way as you. I couldn't understand it, but when it's real, when it's really happening to you, it's not the same. It's not fair on anyone, you, Brian. Think what people will say." Michaela pushed a wisp of hair behind her right ear, Colleen folding her arms tightly across her chest confidently.
"So? I don't care what people say, neither will Brian, you know he won't. You shoulda heard the way he defended you. No-one's gonna think this was your fault, Ma. No-one. Not even Sully," Colleen took a step closer to Michaela's side, seeing the tears build behind her eyes.
The pair regarded each other for several moments, Colleen seeing the fear in Michaela's eyes, Michaela seeing the compassion in the young girl's.
"I'm sorry, Ma." She reached her arms out, expecting Michaela to merely take her hands, or even to turn away from her out of pride. Colleen did not expect Michaela to step towards her and permit the comforting embrace that followed.
Colleen secured her arms around Michaela's back, gazing back towards the main street as she felt Michaela's hands tighten around her shoulders.
"You won't say anything?" Michaela whispered, still trying to comprehend that she had shared this nightmare with anyone, least of all her fourteen-year-old daughter.
"Ma, you're gonna have to," Colleen felt the exasperated words leave her mouth; how long did her mother think she could hide this?
"I know, I just need some time. I need to tell Sully, first, then we'll decide what," Michaela trailed off, not able to carry on the deception any further through words she knew were meaningless. She'd made up her mind days ago.
"All right, Ma. I promise," Colleen felt Michaela pull away from the hug, the girl dropping her hands back to her sides, Michaela doing likewise.
"I'm sorry about," Michaela gestured to the schoolhouse, "I overreacted. I just, when I saw you, I," Michaela shrugged her concern off, Colleen taking her right hand and nodding in understanding.
"I know, Ma but it really was just for the play and, I trust Lewis but, won't be rehearsing by ourselves anymore," Colleen reassured her mother, the two locking eyes in understanding and recommencing their journey back towards the store.
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X.O.X
Saturday, 14th August, 1869
Three Days Later - 16 Weeks Gestation
X.O.X
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"Settle down, Brian, he'll be here. You know he will," Colleen ran the brush through her precisely styled hair, before turning to her right and pulling her brother back from the curtain.
"Aww," he protested, before quickly distracting himself in fidgeting with the gray suit he was wearing.
"Stop it, will ya. Just relax. Ya know Sully wouldn't miss seeing this for anything," Colleen placed the brush down near the rest of her clothes, looking around at other members of their class in various states of dressing.
"Hey Colleen? Think Ma and Sully'll figure it out?" Brian giggled lightly, taking her brush and smoothing out his own blond hair.
"Figure what out?" Colleen rearranged the fancy skirt and jacket she'd been made, reaching for the delicate hat to complete her costume.
"That it's about them. That you're really Ma and I'm Sully and Lewis is, what's his name? That guy? Asked Ma to marry him," The young boy chuckled, helping Colleen pin her hat straight on her head.
"William, Brian. How'd you figure that out? Thought only Becky and I knew that," Colleen had realized the script had taken certain deviations into real life many months ago whilst they were writing it.
"Nah, Steven and me figured it out, too. Except you're not a doctor and I'm not, well, sure don't look like Sully, do I?" Brian patted his tailored suit proudly.
"Brian, I don't think anyone's going to figure it out. Weren't meant to be that obvious. If I were you, I'd be more worried about making sure you don't hurt Lewis again. Remember, foot in the stomach, Brian," Colleen rolled her eyes, their last dress rehearsal having still not gone to plan.
"I'll try Colleen. This is excitin'! Reckon Ma and Sully'll enjoy it?" Brian's chirpy voice carried off enthusiastically once again, Colleen shaking her head as she smoothed out the jacket over her stomach.
"They'll love it, Brian. Come on, nearly time to start." She noticed the Reverend gather the children together, hushed giggles of anticipation sweeping through the small crowd as they waited in the wings.
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"Don't worry, Dr Mike, you know he'll be here," Matthew brushed her shoulder lightly, seeing Michaela glance frantically around the meadow, Sully having still not arrived.
"If he misses this, Brian'll be crushed," Michaela clasped her hands in her lap, readjusting her feet underneath her; she couldn't get comfortable.
"Ain't gonna happen," Matthew smiled dismissively, glancing back over at Ingrid on his right, slipping an arm around her waist, the pair amusing themselves watching a small group of young children chase each other around a picnic rug.
Michaela followed the young couple's gaze, frowning as she moved her gaze from the young children to fellow townspeople; Grace and Robert E. popping pieces of pie into each other's mouths, Dorothy and Jake holding hands and chatting quietly, her eyes landing lastly on Horace and Myra, her head in his lap as he teasingly walked his fingers around her still-flat stomach, before placing a tender kiss on the tip of her nose.
Unknowingly, Michaela dropped her gaze downwards, quickly fanning out her skirt again, in a futile attempt to stop it bunching suggestively around her waist.
"Don't tell me Brian was right," Sully's light-hearted voice jostled Michaela immediately from her preoccupation.
"Excuse me?" She blinked, having not heard enough of his statement to be able to comprehend it.
"Brian going on, thinking you're worried about your weight. Women," Sully chuckled under his breath, catching Matthew's eye and smiling a quick greeting towards Ingrid as he settled himself down on the rug.
"He, he'll be glad you've finally arrived. Caught him peeking out from behind the curtain a few moments ago Where've you been?" Michaela spoke quickly, her irritable mood only escalating when she took in Sully's previous reply.
"Huntin' deer with Cloud Dancin', ended up having to go out further than we thought, sorry I'm late," Sully's eye brows dropped sensing her prickly mood immediately.
"It's not me you have to apologize to," Michaela adjusted her seating once again, the dull ache returning to her lower back. Sitting on the hard ground for the next hour, being the last thing she felt like doing.
"Michaela, I'm here all right? What, what's wrong?" He saw the disgruntled expression sweep across her face, taking in her jilted movements, reaching an arm to her shoulder.
"Will you just, nothing," Michaela shrugged off the physical contact, her annoyance being displayed in more than clear detail.
"Right," Sully sighed, resolutely returning his right arm to the rug beside him, bringing his knees to his chest, everyone's attention being diverted to the newly constructed stage, as the Reverend hushed the crowd.
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"But Margaret, you can't possibly be serious about marrying such a man. After all, what can he provide for you? Why won't you reconsider Walter's proposal, he's a stable, influential man, not some charlatan." Becky delivered her lines in the most dignified and posh manner she could manage, Colleen sitting beside her on the elegant velvet-padded chair.
"But, Mother, I don't love Walter! What good is money and security, if I'm not happy," Colleen carefully slipped the lacy white gloves onto her hands.
"What does happiness have to do with anything? Love is a decision," Becky rose from the chair, their conversation having drawn to an end.
"Is it just me, or have I heard this conversation before?" Sully pulled his lips into an amused grin, leaning closer towards Michaela ensuring she'd heard his question.
"Sully be quiet," she dismissed him immediately, letting her eyes drop closed momentarily, the aching in her back becoming almost intolerable.
"No-one heard, 'sides, I think these children've been up to something," he continued, having no way of knowing just how fragile Michaela's emotions were at that precise moment.
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"Ah, um, was thinkin', ah, you, ah, Might want to maybe, come back to Cactus Springs, with me," Brian turned, gripping his hands nervously behind his back, as he struggled to keep a straight face, the audience erupting into bemused chuckles.
"I, I could never do that, it's not proper, not without us at least," Colleen smoothed her long satin ball gown out around her, her cheeks blushing; aware of the boldness of her response.
"Oh, of course," Bran cleared his throat, pulling up the leg of his right trouser leg and kneeling slowly before her.
"Margaret, it would, ah, I mean, will you marry me?" Brian curled the corner of his mouth up slightly, throwing a suggestive look in Michaela and Sully's direction.
Colleen glared down at him momentarily, seeing his quick glance over his shoulder. She knew her brother was more than aware of the underlying similarities of the play, however had hoped he'd have shown a greater degree of tact.
"Oh, Sammy, I, I, of course I will," Colleen replied, Brian rising back to his feet and reaching for her hands.
"Now this I'm liking," Sully winked in the boy's direction, watching as the sibling's heads met in a very awkward, but nonetheless sweet kiss, the audience clapping loudly in warm support.
"Aww, that's it, I didn't get down on one knee, did I?" Sully couldn't contain his boyish silliness any longer, Matthew leaning across the small distance towards them, addressing Sully.
"I think someone's having a little joke with you two," Matthew pursed his lips, Sully chuckling under his breath.
"Think I understand now why those children been keepin' this so quiet," Sully continued clapping, the audience all getting to their feet as the children gathered on the stage for their final bows.
Michaela sighed, refusing to comment, wearily pulling herself to her feet, as the applause continued.
"Michaela," Sully brushed her arm, pointing forwards as Brian poked his head around the curtain waving frantically at them.
Michaela smiled weakly, her eyes moving from the excited children on stage, around to the enthusiastic townspeople. Dorothy's eyes locking with hers for a brief moment; Michaela severed the contact immediately, resting her gaze on the corner of the rug, before summoning the necessary energy to plaster a fresh smile on her face, glancing back towards the stage. She knew her departure would crush the children; however she knew in her heart that staying would only cause further damage.
"I'm just glad Brian finally sorted out that fight scene," Matthew whispered, relieved that his younger brother hadn't publicly wounded poor Lewis in such a sensitive area.
"Still reckon I've seen a lot of that before," Sully widened his smile, taking a step closer to Michaela, expecting her to snap out of whatever mood she appeared to be in.