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X.O.X
Sunday, 15th August, 1869
One Day Later – 17 Weeks Gestation
X.O.X
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"If you all turn your books to page fifty-seven, we'll conclude with the final hymn, Amazing Grace," the Reverend cleared his throat, closed his bible and raised his arms in front of his chest to lead the congregation into song.
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound… that saved a wretch like me…!" Timothy glanced warmly around the church, the warm morning not appearing to dampen anyone's spirits.
"I once was lost but now, am found… was blind but now I see," Dorothy sat next to Loren, fanning herself, and pushing a strand of frizzed hair back over her ear.
"Twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved," Jake sat near the back of the church, looking somewhat bored. Nonetheless, he reluctantly joined in the final song, folding his arms and taking in the families around him.
"How precious did that grace appear… the hour I first believed," Matthew smiled at Ingrid to his left side, before meeting eyes with Colleen on his right, the pair nodding in understanding at the confrontation that had been planned for that afternoon.
Brian stood by the aisle, to the right of Michaela, the young boy looking around eagerly for Steven. The boys had started a frog-catching conversation an hour earlier, and both were eager to continue it.
"Through many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come," Michaela shifted her glance unconsciously from the book in her hands, eyes glazing over somewhat. It wasn't until she felt Colleen grip her left hand, that she realized she'd drifted so far from reality.
"'Tis grace hath brought me safe… thus far," Feeling the young girl's fingers interlock with her own, Michaela knew she was only trying to offer support. Despite turning and smiling weakly in the girl's direction, Michaela couldn't escape the reminder that she had been deceiving Colleen for over a week now. Looking back down at the final words printed in the book, Michaela slipped her hand away from her daughter's grasp.
"And grace will lead me home," Michaela deflected her eyes downwards, the undeniable guilt over her planned deception reminding her she had to distance herself from those around her.
One more day.
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"Ready to head off?" Matthew looked between Michaela and Colleen, the two having just finished clearing away the plates and cups from their picnic lunch.
"Is everyone ready?" Michaela looked around with a shrug, eager to move from the hard surface of the picnic rug against the rough ground.
"Sure, just gotta go find Brian," Colleen turned her head to scan through the sea of families and children playing.
"Yeah I, ah, best say goodbye to Ingrid," Matthew pulled himself quickly to his feet, all three of them reaching simultaneously for the red patchwork picnic rug.
"I got it," Matthew won out, Michaela reaching for the picnic basket instead, Colleen, however, beat her to it.
"It's all right," The young girl smiled lightly, turning and quickly disappearing off to find her younger brother, her speed more in response to Michaela's frown at her over protectiveness.
"Meet ya back at the wagon, Dr Mike," Matthew folded the rug up quickly. Michaela was left slightly jarred at the children's less than subtle behavior.
Shaking her head, with a frustrated sigh, she began walking back towards the wagon, oblivious to the older woman approaching her.
"Oh, Dr Mike, afternoon," Olive greeted her, squeezing her right arm affectionately.
"Afternoon Olive, Something the matter?" Michaela raised an eyebrow, sleep deprivation and nervousness resulting in her not feeling the least bit sociable.
"Nothin', Don't gotta be something the matter for me to want a friendly chat, does there?" Olive studied Michaela's ragged expression, worried that the events from the night before had had lasting effects.
"Sorry," Michaela attempted to brush off her earlier comment, her eyes darting from the ground to Olive, and back across the gathering, hoping the children would approach, providing her with an excuse to leave.
"It's all right. Just been worryin' about ya since last night and, well, still can't figure it out, ain't like Sully to be so, confronting," Olive lowered her voice.
"I must admit it was a shock to me also," Michaela let herself, for the first time, remember the emotionally traumatic events from the previous night.
"Just thought he'd a known better and all. I mean, think we're all concerned, but to be so aggressive like that, just ain't right. When ya gonna see him?" Olive let her hand slip from Michaela's arm, aware of a distance between them that she found frustrating.
"In all honesty, I'm not thinking about that," Michaela sighed with relief when Brian came bounding over towards her.
"Ma, can Steven come 'round just for a few hours? Apparently Charles saw a couple new frogs down the creek, wanna see if we can catch 'em," The young boy took a step backwards, realizing he'd barged into the middle of an adult conversation.
"Sorry Miss Olive." He hung his head, Michaela looking back down towards the boy, automatically straightening the collar of his shirt.
"Sweetheart, does it really have to be today? You're going to be with Steven all week at school," Michaela removed her hands, Brian pulling away from her in superficial resentment.
"Aww, please Ma. Matthew said he'd take him back before supper and I promise we'll be good." He looked innocently between Olive and his mother, mentally begging Michaela to give in.
"As long as it's all right with Steven's mother," Michaela acquiesced, Brian disappearing with an exulted glee back to get his friend.
"Growin' up fast, that one. Wantin' to be off doin' his own thing," Olive shook her head, a nostalgic smile coming to her lips.
"And that is a relief in itself," Michaela adjusted her stance uncomfortably, the hot sun radiating through the thick fabric of her striped brown dress.
"All been a very troublin' few months," Olive trailed off, noticeably cringing as she saw Dorothy and Loren approach.
"Afternoon, Michaela, Olive. What a marvelous day," Dorothy exclaimed, her fiery red hair glistening in the bright sun. Loren remained quietly by her side, his hat clasped nervously between his hands, remembering his conversation earlier that week with Sully.
"Dorothy, Loren," Michaela and Olive greeted the pair in turn, everyone looking awkwardly around, Dorothy confidently being the first to speak.
"Michaela, gonna be printin' an article 'bout the play. Think Brian's gonna be real excited," she smiled, everyone eagerly launching into the safe topic.
"He ain't gonna be the only one. Weren't it superb? Those two were just so adorable at the end though. Must be real proud, Dr Mike," Olive chuckled, everyone nodding in agreement.
"Oh, it had nothing to do with me. They both worked very hard," Michaela disputed, Loren and Dorothy muttering their agreement.
"Colleen sure is lookin' like you more everyday, what with her hair, and the clothes," Dorothy smiled reflectively, Loren cutting in realistically.
"Oh, don't you be gettin' all silly now. Ain't even related, no reason she's gonna be lookin' like Dr Mike," Loren rolled his eyes, Olive shooing him away with sisterly contempt.
"Don't be such an old grouch, just coz they ain't real kin, don't mean Dorothy didn't have a point. Ya done a fine job with those youngin'," Olive smiled, Michaela looking away, pure relief spreading across her face when she saw Colleen and Matthew heading towards her, locked in serious conversation.
"Thank-you, Olive. I think everyone's ready to leave. I wouldn't like to think I'd delayed this frog catching expedition," Michaela sighed cynically, nodding a quick good day, and crossing the grass to meet Colleen and Matthew.
"Aww, Dorothy, why'd ya have to get all foolish 'bout Dr Mike and the children, just makin' it more obvious," Loren idly dusted the lint from the brim of his hat.
"Weren't me made it obvious, Loren. 'Sides, far as we're concerned, Michaela's their ma. Olive?" Dorothy found herself reluctantly turning to her sister-in-law for confirmation.
"Dorothy's right, ain't givin' birth to the child makes you love 'em," Olive watched as Michaela and the children disappeared into the distance, Dorothy not able to resist pointing out an obvious fact:
"Kinda hard for you to comment on somethin' like that, ain't it?" Her voice was direct and cutting. Olive crossed her arms in confrontation.
"That ain't fair. All I meant was," Olive attempted to defend herself, the animosity between the women fuelling instantly.
"I know what you meant. Meant that adoptin' children is the same as havin' ya own - well, it ain't. Ain't nothin' the same as connectin' with that child, feelin' it growin' inside ya, knowin' that you're responsible for that child havin' life, for comin' into the world. Then, havin' to let them go," Dorothy reflected on the recent pain she'd experienced with her son, her gaze lowering, unable to shake the emptiness at not knowing what had become of him in recent months.
"Well, we ain't all been so lucky," Olive rested her right hand on her hip, feeling the underlying competitiveness being conveyed in Dorothy's words.
"Ladies please, please! What is it with the two a you? Seem to wanna argue over somethin' for the sake a it, at the end of the day, don't change anything," Loren placed his hat back on his head, turning back towards the town, fed up with their squabbling.
Dorothy and Olive exchanged bitter glances, neither willing to apologize, both merely silently watching as Loren rolled his eyes and began the stroll back into town.
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X.O.X
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"As cold as swimmin' in the rain," Brian finished, turning to his friend seated next to him in the wagon.
"Your turn, Steven. Do somethin' fast," Brian gripped his knees, looking out to the moving countryside whilst his friend pondered his response.
"As fast as, a galloping horse," Steven turned to Brian, Michaela looking back to notice Matthew and Colleen at the back of the wagon, conferring quietly.
"As fast as, a high-ballin' train, whoo-whoo!" Brian giggled, turning to Michaela.
"Your turn Ma. Somethin' fast," Michaela frowned, her attention divided between driving the wagon, Matthew and Colleen's muttering, and now Brian's request.
"Ah, um, as fast as, a smallpox epidemic," Michaela slowed the horse as they arrived by the homestead, the boys jumping from their seats immediately.
"Brian, jacket and trousers. Steven can borrow a pair of yours," Michaela sighed, the boys reluctantly heading back towards the porch, quickly disappearing inside.
"I'll, ah, put the wagon away," Matthew appeared to Michaela's left, taking the reins and offering to help her down.
"You two have been quiet," Michaela smoothed out her skirt, Colleen looking knowingly between her mother and brother.
"Yeah, ah, I'll ah see if Brian needs any help findin' those clothes," Colleen turned back to Matthew with an uncomfortable shrug, before heading quickly towards the homestead.
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X.O.X
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"Stay around the creek, Brian and Matthew will be down for you when it's time to take Steven home," Michaela stood on the edge of the porch, hands resting on the railing. The two boys emerged eagerly through the front door, racing down the steps and off towards the creek.
"Thanks, Ma. Gonna catch as many frogs as we can," Brian turned, his reply rushed.
"Just be careful," Michaela sighed, watching the boys disappear off into the distance.
Colleen stepped out from the homestead, her arms clutched across her chest, her gaze alternating between the barn and Michaela.
"Ah, Ma? I reckon ya best come inside. Matthew and I, ah," she trailed off, the door of the barn opening, and Matthew pacing quickly across the yard.
Michaela frowned, taking a step back from the railing, Matthew and Colleen exchanging confrontational expressions.
"Come on, Ma. Gotta have a chat," Matthew cleared his throat, gesturing nervously to the open door of the homestead. After an uncomfortable glance between each of her children, Michaela reluctantly stepped inside.
"You're doin' all the talkin'," Colleen whispered, before following behind her. Matthew was left for a moment on the porch, a worried apprehension appearing on his face, before he eventually entered, closing the door firmly behind him.
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X.O.X
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"Look. Do ya want me to tell Sully?" Matthew brought the palms of his hands back down to the edge of the table in front of him, the three people having sat awkwardly in their chairs for a good ten minutes now, seeming to be going around in circles.
"No," Michaela responded defiantly, not having appreciated Colleen going behind her back and confiding in her older brother.
"Then, you're gonna tell him." Matthew stated clearly, knowing that trying to have a conversation on a topic Michaela didn't want to address, was like trying to shift a heard of cattle in the rain.
"Ya gotta tell him, Ma," Colleen tilted her head; Michaela's avoidance had been obvious from the start.
"This isn't something I wish to discuss with either of you. Colleen, you promised," Michaela glared disappointedly across the table, frustrated at how something she'd managed to hide for over a month, had just managed to explode into total chaos, knowing that in less than a day it would all be irrelevant anyway.
"I'm sorry, Ma, but can't stand to see ya bottlin' it all up. After how upset ya were last night, I only went to Matthew coz I didn't know what else to do to help," The young girl sighed, having expected Michaela's anger.
"Well talking about me behind my back certainly doesn't help," Michaela leant forwards, wearily resting her chin in her right hand.
"Dr Mike, what happened yesterday? With Sully?" Matthew decided a change of subject was in order.
Michaela moved her head slightly, eyes lowering in dismissal of his question.
"Ma, please," Colleen begged, pushing her hair over her shoulder in frustration.
"This is ridiculous! I give up," Colleen pushed her chair back angrily, stomping across the room and out through the back door.
"Colleen," Matthew called, his loyalties divided between his mother and sister, hands pushing down into his pockets in confusion.
"Go to Colleen, Matthew," Michaela's voice was hollow and weak, her glance moving back up to meet his eyes.
"Ma, just promise me you'll come to us if you need support, but you're right, ain't our place to pry. Ain't our place to tell ya what to do," Matthew nodded, as if needing to convince himself he was right.
Michaela took in his words gradually, before rising from her chair, walking slowly around the table, engulfing him in a gentle embrace, more to conceal the tears in her eyes.
"Everything will be all right, Matthew. I promise," Michaela felt his uncertainty as he hesitantly moved his hands around her back.
"I know, Ma. I trust you." Matthew pulled away after several moments, comfortable with the realization that at the end of the day, Michaela would deal with this in her own way.
Michaela looked across the room to the back door, as Matthew remembered his sister.
"Better go calm Colleen," he whispered, his feet sliding against the floorboards as he left the room.
Drawing a deep breath, Michaela turned to gaze at her surroundings, a newfound resolution and strength building in her chest. Pacing aimlessly, she reached the edge of the mantelpiece, her eyes resting on the hands of the clock, ticking soothingly in the background. Moving her eye line to the window, Michaela took another breath, arriving beside the wooden chest of drawers, the fingers of her right hand brushing lightly over the corner. Despite her fascination at the material objects around her, Michaela knew deep down they weren't what she was remembering.
After another several steps, her hands found the back of the rocking chair, Michaela now completely aware of the source of her preoccupation. She knew the children would arrive home tomorrow afternoon, to find her gone. She knew they would be devastated, but also knew it was something she had to do.
It will only be for ten days. Two weeks at the most.
Michaela consoled herself, however unable to stop the anguished hurt crossing her face; Brian would be crushed. Nodding slowly, she knew she would leave a note, for what good it would serve. Her gaze lowering, Michaela knew she was nervous for other reasons besides the children. She knew full-well she was endangering her own life; however that no longer seemed to matter.
Dropping her eyes closed, Michaela unconsciously began to think of the worst. What if she died? What if she was discovered, arrested. She knew she would stipulate in her letter that Olive would take charge of the children, but suddenly hypothetical planning and potential reality became two very different issues.
In that instant, images from her nightmare flooded her mind, Michaela gripping the back of the chair more tightly.
I would rather die.
She turned and rotated around to gaze from the window, feeling her shoulders sink with an inaudible sigh, her last thought lingering undeniably in her mind.
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X.O.X
Monday, 16th August, 1869
One Day Later - 17 Weeks Gestation
X.O.X
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"Eww! Brian get it away!" Colleen squealed, the large green frog being displayed only inches from her nose.
"But he's cute, ain't ya little guy? Still tryin' to figure out what to name him. Was gonna call him Sully but then thought it ain't really too nice," Brian pulled the frog from his sister's face, patting his back whilst he quickly finished his breakfast.
"If ya wanna name him after someone ya hate, call him Benjamin," Colleen teased, knowing it wasn't right, however still having not forgiven that boy for his earlier torments.
"Nah, coz I'm takin' him to school. What about Eric?" Brian suggested, Michaela having remained detached from the conversation up until this point.
"Why Eric, Brian?" She frowned, being briefly reminded of an arrogant doctor she had interned with many years ago.
"Dunno," Brian carefully put the reptile back into the cardboard box on the edge of the table, slipping several small pieces of bacon in after him.
"Just so long as he stays in that box, ya hear?" Colleen waved her fork menacingly in her younger brother's direction, before reaching across and gathering the left over plates from breakfast.
"I promise. Can we get goin', wanna get there early to show Lewis and Charles," Brian stood up, pushing his chair neatly back under the table, pacing to Michaela's side for a goodbye hug.
"Ya sure you're all right, Ma?" Brian gestured to the fact that Michaela was still in her dressing gown, having informed them minutes earlier that she wasn't feeling well and would be staying home for the day.
"Don't you worry, Brian. Dr Mike's just takin' it easy, 'bout time," Colleen smiled out of the corner of her mouth, not able to be more pleased that Michaela seemed to have stopped pushing herself so incessantly.
Michaela looked away from the young girl, instead busying herself in reaching for the pile of plates and cutlery, standing and moving them to the basin.
"Seeya tonight, Ma," Brian reached for the front door, in his haste, not even turning for a reply.
Michaela swallowed, nodding automatically, and scraping the left over breakfast into a bowl for Pup.
"You just rest," Colleen glared, rubbing Michaela's back and following her younger brother from the room, the girl's mood somewhat elevated by her mother's actions.
Watching the young Wolf consume the bacon and egg scraps by her feet, Michaela didn't shift her gaze until she heard the door close, waiting several minutes for the sound of Bear pulling the wagon away. Hearing the steady trotting of the horse fading into the distance, Michaela clasped her right hand to her mouth, tears flowing uninhibitedly from her eyes; how could she expect them to forgive her? She could barely forgive herself.
Wiping her face with the back of her hands, Michaela finished the dishes quickly, before crossing the room and beginning to pile assorted clothes on the edge of her bed. She only had a few hours until the stage was due in, knowing she'd have to work speedily to pack, write the letter, and ride Flash into town in time. Running the tips of her fingers over her satin green dress, Michaela reflected for the first time on where she'd be traveling to. Away from the dirt and dust of Colorado Springs; to a place where her recent past was behind her.
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"Very, ah, nice Brian," the Reverend leaned against the edge of his desk at the front of the room, the young Cooper child having just finished his lengthy show and tell.
"Thanks, oh and his name is Eric," Brian added, almost enjoying the look of pure disgust on the girls' faces.
"That's lovely. Now, ah it's time for recess children and Brian, since you did such an excellent job at show and tell there, Miss Dorothy told me yesterday that she'd have the new edition of the Gazette finished, with the article about the play. Thought you might like to go get it," Timothy patted the boy's back not expecting to be handed the gangling frog.
"Ah, sure. Look after him 'til I get back," Brian wiped his hands on his trousers, excitedly moving to the back of the room, and commencing his contented jog back into town.
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X.O.X
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Michaela locked the Clinic door securely, having quickly changed into a now much more snugly fitting lilac satin skirt and blue weaved jacket. She saw the stage parked outside the general store, having watched it arrive and unload minutes earlier, waiting as long as she could before emerging, thereby minimizing the chances that she'd be seen.
Stepping down from the edge of the porch, her carpet bag in one hand, medical bag in the other, she took a slow breath, turning and glancing back at the Clinic a final time, before beginning the walk down the main street, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible.
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"Thanks, Mr. Bray. Ain't it a great article?" Brian smiled, Loren having taken interest in the freshly printed copy of the daily newspaper.
"Sure is, boy but you deserve it. Did a good job the other night, pretty brave a ya too," Loren ruffled the boy's hair, the pair making their way towards the front porch of the store.
"Yeah, was pretty yucky havin' to kiss Colleen like that but Sully said it was all right, coz we're family," Brian justified, licking his lips in childlike discomfort just thinking about it.
"Too right. Best hurry back to school now," Loren smiled, watching the boy disappear through the front door, turning his attention back to several customers that were waiting patiently by the counter.
Brian remained engrossed in the article, carefully reading the paragraph directly concerning him, only looking up for a moment to check how close he was to the edge of the porch step.
"Ma?" He frowned, seeing his mother standing several yards from the stagecoach, the young boy's utterance coming out slowly, indicative of his surprise and confusion.
Michaela froze immediately upon hearing the familiar voice. Her eyes moved from the stage, where she had waited whilst other passengers had their luggage stowed, in the direction of the sound.
"Ma? Why ya all dressed up?" Brian shrugged, continuing to stroll casually across the dusty ground, the article still clutched in his right hand.
"Brian, go back to school," Michaela swallowed, barely believing she'd come this far for everything to go wrong now.
The young boy arrived by her side, slowly beginning to take in the various indicators around him; Michaela's attire, her medical bag in her right hand, and finally the large carpet bag resting on the ground to her left. His eyes grew wide, realization dawning on him in a split second.
"Ya goin' somewhere, Ma?" The child's voice was high-pitched, chewing on his lower lip as he looked once again from the stage to the carpet bag, and then back to his mother. Within mere seconds, the fear and anxiety was written across his face.
Michaela clenched her teeth, looking away from Brian to see Loren step out onto the porch of the store, his arms folded. Chatting idly with passing customers, the store owner was not really paying attention to the significance of the events before him.
Adjusting her hold on her medical bag worriedly, Michaela leant over to address the child at his own level.
"Sweetheart, I'll just be gone for a few days," her voice was smooth and hushed, seeing the stagecoach driver finish with the previous couple.
"Ya leavin' me?" His chin began to wobble, as his left hand moved forwards to grasp her arm.
Michaela looked helplessly from his fingers secured desperately to her sleeve, back up to Loren, their eyes meeting as he noticed her presence.
"Goin' somewhere, Dr Mike?" The older man raised his eyebrows, his question phrased innocently enough, however when coupled with the firmness of Brian's grip on her arm, sent Michaela into a frenzied panic.
"Brian please." She tried to detach his fingers from her jacket, looking up when the stagecoach driver addressed her.
"All ready there, ma'am?" He tipped his hat, reaching for the carpet bag at her feet.
"Thank-you," Michaela muttered, looking around, between Loren's concerned face, and the attention she was beginning to receive from the townspeople.
"Ma, ya can't go. Ain't nothin' to worry about. Mr. Bray, Mr. Bray," Brian turned, about to race back towards the porch, Michaela's eyes widening in horror, pulling him back immediately by the shoulder.
"Brian, come along." She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, hurrying the small child towards the open door.
"Ma? What, I don't," Brian was almost thrown off balance by the firmness in Michaela's grasp, stepping onto the first rung of the step before he'd realized what was happening.
About to provide him with a more thorough response, Michaela noticed the concern in Loren's eyes, the store owner suddenly realizing she was planning to take the child with her. Turning away from him, Michaela looked back one final time down the main street, her eyes locking spontaneously on Matthew's outline in the far distance, the young man striding casually from the alleyway between the Clinic and Grace's.
"Brian, get inside. Hurry," Michaela stepped up behind him, nodding with a smile to the driver, taking her seat, the young boy looking with fascination around the small carriage.
Michaela looked down at the boy's hand still clutched to her arm, as she felt the horses pull away into a slow walk. Deflecting her gaze downwards, so as to minimize her chances of being recognized, Michaela pulled Brian closer to her side, not wanting him to see his brother in the distance.
"Ma," Brian found himself slightly suffocated against the thick wool of her jacket, her grasp not relenting until the horses moved into a definite trot, the stage having moved down to the end of the main street.
Looking up after several moments; Michaela felt the boy's hands pressing defensively against her chest, realizing the strength with which she'd clutched him to her side. Dropping her hand away from his back, she looked down at the boy recovering from his air deprivation. Seeing him look curiously around them once again, before taking in the moving surroundings, he tilted his head up towards her.
"Ma, where we goin'?" His question was not uttered with any trace of fear nor concern, more with an intrigued curiosity.
Michaela rested her left arm back around his shoulders, before moving her gaze back out towards the rugged countryside. The horses had moved into an even gallop, the brown and green landscape blurring to the point of unfamiliarity.
"Home."