"There," Michaela neatly cut the thread from the last stitch and handed Colleen the scissors.
"Thank-you," William acknowledged, his hands resting on his knees.
"I'm so sorry." Michaela wiped her hands on a nearby cloth, as Colleen busied herself cleaning up.
"Please, don't. It wasn't your fault," William corrected her confidently. Both looked away, neither sure of how to continue.
The silence was broken by the sound of Colleen accidentally dropping an instrument.
"Sorry," Colleen whispered, and finished placing everything away. She arrived back by Michaela's side, looking between William and her mother slowly.
Michaela reached a hand to her daughter's shoulder, hugging her for several moments, as William rose to his feet, and surveyed the injury with a small mirror.
"Dr Mike, why didn't you tell Sully? Why'd you just leave?" Colleen wrapped her arms nervously around her chest.
William watched Michaela struggle to respond to the question.
"I'm sorry," she rested her hand on Colleen's shoulder for several moments, before turning and changing the subject abruptly. "Colleen, please wait outside. I need to speak with Dr Burke," Michaela ushered the girl from the room, as William leaned against the examination table, still in shock.
"William, I, I can't believe all this has happened." She looked away from his cool, blue eyes, suddenly confronted with the reminder that something in her heart had changed moments before being put to sleep.
"You weren't to know, Michaela," he shook his head with a weak smile, "do you want to reschedule?" He looked up as she replied very sharply.
"No, I," she exhaled slowly, "I need some more time," she dropped her head. Was she weakening? Was she allowing Sully to influence her?
He narrowed his eyes suspiciously, "You've changed your mind?" He thought back to her incoherent protests, never for a moment taking them seriously until now.
"I don't know," she voiced clinically. No. She couldn't; she wouldn't let herself remember.
She swallowed, feeling his hand pressing down over her mouth, his fingers against her arm.
No; it hadn't happened. I wanted this, didn't I?
She dropped her eyes closed for a mere second, feeling the security of the fine movements within her. She couldn't end that. Glancing back up at William's expectant face, she frowned slightly, "I need to spend some time with my family. I can't do this right now. Tomorrow, might I come and see you?" She asked, needing to know that she was merely postponing the procedure she still felt was the most rational option.
"Of course." He took a step forwards, closing the small gap between them, and reaching politely for her hand. "Michaela, you need to make the decision that is right for you. The decision that you can live with." He gripped her hand supportively, as they locked eyes in silence.
"I know. William, last night," she tore her eyes away; she couldn't look at him and ask, "you said I meant something to you. I wasn't sure what." Michaela felt her mouth dry, and very hesitantly dared to glance back up at him. She studied his deep, rich eyes, as he did hers.
Michaela has been too focused on his eyes and the soft touch of his hand against hers when she felt his lips arrive at the corner of her mouth.
Her eyes dropped closed momentarily, smelling the depth of his cologne as he ended the kiss.
"Michaela, I only want you to be happy. I want to do whatever you wish to ensure that," he replied carefully, the room silent around them.
"Maybe," she bit her lower lip and looked quickly around the room, "maybe that's too much to hope for."
"It does not have to be. It is entirely within your hands," he tenderly reached for her left hand, and held both tightly. Again, the room fell silent, as Michaela recognized the same sparkle in William's eyes she had seen less than a year ago.
"Oh, William," she drew a breath, the tension between them stifling.
"You need to decide what is right, Michaela. You are the only one who can." He shook his head slowly, Michaela appreciating the truthfulness in his words.
"When you say that, you remind me of," Michaela dismissed the sentence quickly, about to cross the room when she felt his hands move to her shoulders.
"I know. He was a great man, Michaela," William looked directly into her slightly lost eyes as he spoke.
"Yes, he was," she agreed, noticing the weight of his hands on her small shoulders. Michaela found herself reminded of the events of the previous hour.
Why didn't he stop when I said 'No'? Why did he grab my wrist? What if Sully hadn't arrived? She studied his sincere expression. Maybe he just didn't hear me. After all, it was what he thought I wanted. It is what I want, isn't it?
She looked downwards, feeling confusion and panic sweep over her. Sully. Once I go out there, I'll have to face him.
"I'll see you tomorrow?" Michaela felt the weight lifted from her shoulders and turned slightly towards the ajar door.
"Fine. Michaela, you must decide soon. By the end of the week at the latest," William replied curtly; slipping back into a professional detachment.
Michaela made her way silently from the room, all four individuals looking up as she arrived out into the waiting area.
"Are you all right, Michaela?" Rebecca rushed to her side.
Michaela nodded quickly, as Sully, Matthew and Colleen approached cautiously.
"Is Dr Burke all right, Dr Mike?" Colleen was the first to speak.
"Yes," Michaela glared across at Sully, appalled by such violence.
Rebecca noticed the awkwardness and suggested they leave, "Shall we return home, I'm sure Brian will be delighted to see you all." She smiled.
"We missed him," Colleen included Matthew in her statement, as the group filed through the front door.
Sully frowned thoughtfully, seeing the accusation in Michaela's subtle glare. He had expected as much, and knew the hard work was still to come.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"Brian! Brian?" Colleen began calling to her brother the moment they were through the front door. She looked around the large entrance foyer, from the sitting room and was just headed towards the bottom of the stairs when she heard quick footsteps from the dining room to her right. Rebecca disappeared upstairs, to give the family some privacy.
"Brian!" she giggled, the small boy running into her arms excitedly.
"Hey, what you all doin' here?" He hugged her tightly, and only then noticed Matthew and Sully.
"Came to be with ya, little brother," Matthew arrived by Colleen's side and ruffled his brother's hair.
"Sully? Wow, what's with your hair?" Brian's mouth opened wide, barely recognizing the older man with both his short hair, and the civilized gray suit.
"Thought it was time for a change," Sully fobbed the young boy off slightly, Michaela only then noticing the drastic difference.
"Sully?" she knew the significance of his hair, and had known what an effort it had taken for him to just wear a suit the last time they were here. To look at him now, you'd consider him any other ordinary, respectable gentleman.
"Heya, Brian," Sully felt the young boy's hands lock around his waist, clearly thrilled by all the familiar faces.
"Knew you'd come. Did ya get my telegram?" Brian looked from Sully to Matthew.
"Sure did, but we were already on our way here," Matthew glanced at Colleen who was discretely observing Michaela's reserved expression. From the despondent expression on her face, she wasn't nearly as pleased by their arrival as Brian was.
Brian frowned, and took each of his siblings by the hand, confused. "That mean we all stayin' here now? Or you takin' me home? Or we all goin' home?" Brian quickly remembered where his mother had been, and why.
"That's a very good question, Brian," Sully turned slowly to address Michaela. He tilted his head and shrugged lightly.
The silence in the room was deafening.
Michaela, her jaw ever-so-slightly dropped, eyes large and vacant, glanced from Sully, to Matthew, Colleen, Brian, and then back to Sully. She could feel the energy coming from all four individuals; almost hear their breathing. She realized the reason she hated the attention so much, was that she honestly didn't know what she wanted to do.
The events of the previous four days had been so extreme, dramatic; she had been presented with so many options. She hadn't counted on the children and Sully showing up in the middle of it all. With that final thought, Michaela shifted her gaze back around the group a second time, the silence continuing.
What if they hadn't arrived when they did? William would have completed the administration of the saline injection without a doubt. My baby would be dead.
She blinked several times, again thrown by the thoughts flooding through her mind.
There it is again. Why am I thinking that? Why did I want him to stop?
She felt a lump form deep in her throat. She couldn't breathe; she felt physically suffocated by their glares.
"Excuse me," she dismissed quietly, reaching for the edge of her skirt, and making her way unobstructed to the stairs. Swallowing, she managed to push the uncomfortable lump away, and continued ascending the stairs feeling more relieved with each step; more relieved the further away she became from their questioning glares.
"What was that?" Matthew folded his arms across his chest nervously, the moment Michaela had disappeared from view.
"Knew this weren't gonna be easy," Sully shook his head, still aware of the unfamiliar weightlessness, caused by the absence of hair against his neck and shoulders.
"Is Ma all right, Sully? Did she have the operation?" Brian stuffed his hands in the large pockets of his slightly oversized jacket.
"No, Brian," Sully bent down to wrap an arm around the young boy's shoulders. "Brian, what happened at the hotel?" Sully squinted as the child looked awkwardly between the group.
"Ma took the medicine, and she wouldn't wake up. And then when we got to the hospital, the doctors were real mad at her, and weren't gonna let her leave, until Dr Burke came and he fixed it." Brian alternated his eyes between Matthew and Sully; had he said something wrong?
"And then what happened?" Sully pulled the boy closer, until he could press snugly against his chest.
"They asked where my family was, where we were from, and they said someone needed to come look after me. So I asked for Aunt Rebecca, and then we came here. At first Ma was really upset but since yesterday she's been all right, even played checkers with me this morning," he smiled brightly, as Sully stood back up.
"Everythin's gonna be fine, Brian. I gotta go talk to ya ma," Sully patted the child quickly on the back, and received a nod of encouragement from Matthew as he passed him and arrived at the bottom of the staircase.
"Sully, you'll do fine," Matthew stared at him confidently, neither breaking eye contact for several seconds, until Sully pulled away and paced up the stairs hastily.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
It wasn't until he arrived at the top of the staircase, that Sully realized the house was unfamiliar to him; he didn't actually know where Michaela was, and it was hardly appropriate to simply begin opening doors.
Fortunately, he didn't have to ponder the thought for very long; Rebecca arrived by his side, having come down the corridor from her bedroom.
"She, she came up here," he stammered, his mouth tightening in concern.
"Down the corridor, first door on the right," Rebecca gestured, hesitating before speaking once again, "Mr Sully, I appreciate the distress this has caused you and the children. Might I ask that you take the conversation gently." She looked away trying to justify her concern, "It's taken days just to have Michaela talking again, she's still not herself."
"Be all right, I promise." He took a step down the corridor, before turning unexpectedly and locking eyes with Rebecca. "She hasn't been herself since this happened. I only wanna talk to her, won't upset her," he spoke carefully, realizing the seriousness of the situation Rebecca had conveyed to him.
Rebecca nodded and descended the stairs.
Walking slowly, he arrived by the large bedroom door. Knocking twice, he waited for a verbal acknowledgement.
He knocked again. "Michaela, please?" Sully whispered, hearing only silence from inside the room.
He drew a breath and waited; suddenly five seconds felt like five years. He'd waited too long already. Reaching his hand slowly to the gold-plated knob, Sully gently pushed the door open.
Michaela sat on the edge of the bed, her hands resting on the mattress either side of her, her gaze focused exclusively on the scene outside her window; layers of green ivy which ran along the wall of the brick house opposite, and a bright blue sky.
"Michaela?" He hated the sound of his own voice; so husky and hollow. Sully quietly slipped into the room, and turned the knob as he closed the door behind him, so as to not make any sound. "Michaela, I'm sorry you didn't feel you could tell me the truth. I'm sorry you had to do this all on ya own," he murmured. He paced around to the end of the bed, and rested his hands on the wrought-iron frame.
She remained perfectly motionless, her eyes still locked ahead, lost in the world beyond the bedroom.
Sully continued running his hands along the bed frame, not sure if there was anything he could say that would prompt her to speak. After all, he knew he couldn't make her talk if she didn't want to; the events of the weeks leading up to her departure had proven that.
Now was not the time for tact, "Michaela," he cleared his throat, quickly slipping the sentence out to undermine its significance, "last week, did you try to kill yourself?" He was pretty sure of the answer, however, knew they needed to start somewhere.
"I don't know," came the unanticipated reply, her eyes and body still frozen still.
"Well, did you want to die?" He clasped one hand over the other, barely believing they were having this conversation. From the tone in his voice, they could have been discussing the weather.
"Maybe," she adjusted her hands against the firm mattress.
"Maybe." Sully frowned and hung his head; he would have preferred her yelling at him to this silence.
He unclasped his hands from the iron frame and crossed his arms with an audible sigh. He shook his head; this was ridiculous.
He knew he had to be direct, "Michaela, why didn't you just tell me?" He glanced over at her for a response.
She dropped her head, there had been many reasons. She chose to cite the least personal one, "I knew you'd try and stop me." Hearing the words leave her mouth, Michaela knew that had not bene the main reason.
"But you tried to tell me, several times; that day in the woods, by the creek, the night a the play."
"I thought you would stop me from leaving," she reiterated. "Are you telling me you wouldn't have?"
"I don't know. Would you have ever told me?" he continued the vague line of questioning, realizing they weren't really getting anywhere, but at least they were communicating.
Michaela frowned, not understanding his question. "Told you?"
"Yeah, told me. Had I not come here, found you. Would you have just come home in a week's time as if nothing had ever happened?" Sully felt the frustration rise in his chest; it was only built on fear.
"Nothing has happened," she dismissed, feeling the strain in the conversation just as much as he did.
He growled lowly, "Ya know what I mean."
"Fine, then, yes! Is that what you wanted to hear? Yes, I would have come home and, what does it matter now? Everything is ruined." Michaela tried to make sense of the anger and fear chasing each other around in her mind.
She was angry; angry that she had changed her mind; let herself down at the last moment; angry that William had taken that control away from her. Angry that Sully had found out. Drawing a breath and forcing herself to calm down, Michaela knew she was just frightened. She was back where she'd started and once again, didn't know what the future held. She barely heard his question.
"Is it what you want to do, Michaela? Do you think that's going to help?" He pulled away from the end of the bed, and very slowly edged his way around until he was by the window, leaning against the wall.
"I don't know. All I know is, it's the one thing I can control," she whispered, loathing the uncertainty that had clouded her mind.
"Is it worth risking your life for?" Sully continued, not expecting to have been able to talk quite this rationally.
"This is the only way I know how to take my life back! I just want this to be over." She heard the same words she'd uttered to William the night before, leave her lips.
Sully nodded thoughtfully, wishing they'd been able to have this talk months ago. Carefully, he moved from the window, to the side of the bed, before crouching down by Michaela's side, just in front of her.
"Ain't gonna be over, Michaela. Nothin's that simple," his voice was evenly paced, his hands clasped against his kneecaps.
"William said I could go away." Michaela looked down towards the carpet on the floor. "There's a place in the city. You could take the children home, and,"
"And leave you all by yourself? Here? That ain't the answer either," Sully knew that rationally discussing various options was at least a way of keeping her talking.
"Then why did you have to stop him!" She brought her hands to her face in exasperation, and wearily brushed them down from her forehead over her eyes, nose and cheeks.
"Coz I didn't wanna lose you, not like this. Not when it ain't necessary," Sully moved his eyes over her face, waiting for her to pull her hands away.
She shook her head weakly, still not removing her hands, "It was safe. Well, safer," she drew a choked breath, feeling confused and worried tears threaten to fall from her eyes.
"I don't understand how you could want this. Ain't natural. I woulda thought you'd be against it," he hesitated, about to reach for her right arm, when she quickly pulled her hands from her face.
"Why? Because I'm a doctor? A woman? Or because you don't approve?" She tucked her arms tightly around her waist, not understanding her own emotional outbursts; just able to feel raw anger and panic welling under her skin. She felt trapped.
"That ain't fair, Michaela," Sully defended, delicately resting his left hand on her right shoulder.
She moved deliberately from his grasp. "Since when is life fair." She glared at him in contempt, before turning away sullenly, "Leave me alone."
"Michaela, we've spent five days getting to you. Now you're telling me to go?" He couldn't hide the hurt in his eyes.
"That's right." She narrowed her eyes into a vicious expression. "You needn't have bothered." She turned away, unable to withstand the helpless look of pain that spread across his face.
"Michaela, I know ya hurtin' and I know it's partly my fault, but I ain't givin' up on you that easy. I don't care what you say. I don't care if you hate me, I ain't quittin' 'til we work through this." He gestured out towards the corridor, "Those children love ya. I love ya, and we ain't lettin' this beat you. You're stronger than that. You're the strongest person I know. You'll get through this." He didn't expect her to respond, however merely observed as the anger melted from her tear-stained face.
"What if I don't want to? What if I can't?" her voice was uninflected and thick with tears.
"Then we'll help ya. You don't gotta be strong all on ya own," he nodded with a reassuring smile. "All right if Colleen and Matthew come see ya, they been missin' ya too." He reached forwards to squeeze her hand as she slowly nodded, still not sure.
As he turned and rose from the side of the bed, he heard her unsteady voice. "Sully? What happened to your hair?" she lowered her eyebrows, having noticed it downstairs, but not wanting to comment.
He smiled, a small reassuring smile. "Jake," he watched her eyes move around his face and hairline.
"Why did you?" she shrugged.
He sat on the edge of the bed, taking a moment to decide; no, he would tell her the truth. "Thought after the last time I was here, it'd make things easier. I ain't stupid; I know it weren't conventional."
"Since when did you care about being conventional?" Michaela baulked, taking in his stunning gray suit, and polished leather shoes.
"Since you, Michaela. Sometimes principles ain't as important as the people you care about." He watched her take in his meaning.
"You did this for me?" her voice tapered off as she felt her chin tremble involuntarily.
"Yeah. There ain't nothin' I wouldn't do for you." He couldn't help but smile, as she struggled to wipe the tears from her cheeks.
"I'm sorry. I'm not crying, I'm not," she shook her head, and continued gliding the backs of her hands against her skin.
"Don't matter," he reassured as their eyes locked once again.
"I'll get the kids." He stood from the bed and crossed the room, closing the door softly behind him. As he strode down the corridor, his mind was clouded with fragments of conversation. There were more questions than answers; had she tried to kill herself? Was she right in wanting an abortion? Had he gone too far in taking the decision away from her? Was it even his place? Surely, it is her body. She deserved this one choice.
He moved quickly down the stairs and found all three children in the sitting room.
"Dr Mike all right?" Matthew looked up from the couch.
"Why don't ya all go see her, reckon she's missed the three a ya together," he smiled, as Brian squirmed off his brother's lap.
"Come on, Matthew, tell Ma about the train trip." He pulled on his brother's hand, as Colleen rose to her feet and straightened out her dress.
"Sully? What's happening?" Colleen whispered to him quietly, as Brian dragged Matthew towards the stairs.
"Not sure, Colleen. Go spend some time with ya ma." He squeezed her shoulder gently, and smiled as the three children took to the stairs at various speeds.
He glanced around the room for several moments, before pacing across the entrance foyer to the dining room; he needed to speak with Rebecca.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"How was the trip?" Michaela began, once the children had settled themselves around the room.
"Ahh, was fine," Matthew noticed the disinterest on Colleen's face.
"Did you guys get to sleep on the train like we did?" Brian sat awkwardly on his sister's lap on the edge of the bed.
"Sure did," Matthew smiled, crouched down by the edge of the mattress in front of Brian.
"And Sully's hair? I can't believe he cut his hair," the excited little boy continued, "he looks like he used to, like a normal person," he giggled, looking upwards at his sister, then to his brother and finally his mother.
"All right, Brian," Matthew tapped the boy's knee, to settle him. The room dropped into silence.
Matthew cleared his throat, as he rose to his feet, slowly pacing around the room. He turned back every few minutes, Michaela sitting on the window side of the bed, Colleen and Brian the other. This is stupid. Anything is better than this silence.
"Isn't, uh, the house, ah, really nice," Matthew rubbed his hand over his chin, glaring at his younger sister for support.
"Ah, yes, delightful," she smiled falsely, her tone dead.
Fortunately, Brian hadn't picked up on the superficiality of their conversation. "It's huge! And you oughta see Penny's room! Colleen, you'd love it Colleen, it's all pink, with white curtains, and dolls and bears everywhere," His face broadened into a wide, genuine smile. Michaela glanced up at his bright grin, the solemn mood of Matthew and particularly Colleen, not going unnoticed by her.
"Brian, tell Matthew about the checkerboard Edmund has, we played this morning," Michaela instructed, the young boy launching quickly into a long, drawn-out rant.
Matthew moved from the window to the side of the bed, whilst Brian talked, trying his best to feign interest, although unable to avoid his sister's cold, angered glare.
"And then I cornered her and then it was all over. So, I won," he chuckled dusting his hands together proudly.
"Don't get too cocky there, Brian. I can still beat ya any day a the week," Matthew wiggled his eyebrows with a cheesy grin upon his face.
Colleen sighed noisily, fed up with her brothers' antics. "Please," she rolled her eyes in contempt, and coldly moved Brian from her lap.
"Colleen, is everything all right?" Michaela narrowed her eyes in concern and leant across the bed to the girl.
She merely shrugged and looked away. Again, the room fell into a deathly silence. Matthew tapped his foot lightly against the foot of the bed frame, sucking in his cheeks and intensifying the glare towards his sister.
"Ugh!" Colleen exclaimed; her voice ragged. She huffed in exasperation and pushed herself from the edge of the bed, storming out of the room in frustration.
Michaela glanced up at Matthew questioningly. He shrugged and folded his arms tightly across his chest.
"So, we goin' home now?" Brian piped up, having crawled up the bed to Michaela's side.
"I don't know, sweetheart." She sighed and began stroking his back softly.
Matthew gingerly sat on the edge of the bed, embarrassed by his sister's unconcealed rudeness. "You all right, Ma?" he rubbed his arm, feeling the remaining tension from Colleen's departure. "Sorry," he dismissed quickly, realizing the foolishness of his question. There they were, days from home, having just rescued their mother from potentially killing herself in an attempt to terminate a pregnancy that was forced upon her at knifepoint by a renegade dog solider. Of course, everything was perfectly all right. He ran his hands down his face, taking a deep breath.
"Matthew, you don't have to feel as though you need to fix everything. You're not responsible for your sister," Michaela reassured, as Brian snuggled tightly under her arm.
"I know, I just can't stand everyone being this awkward," he sighed and dropped his hands back down to his knees.
"I know," she agreed, uncomfortably moving Brian's head away from her chest.
"Come on, little brother, leave Ma to rest before supper. Let's see if you can beat me at checkers," Matthew heaved himself from the mattress, pacing around the side of the bed to teasingly drag Brian up by his underarms.
"Hey Matthew, stop it, tickles," Brian giggled, struggling for breath, as Matthew carried him across the room.
"What?" Matthew chuckled, "What was that?" He clutched the boy tighter, tickling him some more.
"Tick, tickles," Brian squealed, in hysterics, as Matthew flashed a grin at his mother.
Michaela returned the smile sincerely, yet wearily, as the child's infectious laughter echoed along the hallway. She sat for several minutes longer, reflecting over the incidents of the traumatic day. Again, a single thought stirred in her mind; What if they hadn't arrived when they did?
She moved her eyes downwards to regard her firm stomach, which was just visible beyond her enlarged chest.