"Afternoon, Ingrid," Dorothy looked up, as the young girl paced aimlessly around the store, admiring some of the new stock Loren had got in the previous week.
"Oh, afternoon Miss Dorothy, you be well?" she looked up with a genuine smile.
"Well, yes, have a bit of a cough, but nothin' that won't wait for a few weeks," Dorothy closed the cash box on the counter, and crossed the floor to Ingrid's side, the shop being relatively quiet.
"Miss Dorothy, about what you say last week. What if Dr Mike don't come back?" she carefully placed the thick scarf back on the shelf, as Dorothy tidied some nearby stock.
"She'll be back, I'm sure of it." Dorothy smiled, watching the sadness on the young girl's face, "You must be missing Matthew?"
"Yes, he only been gone a week now but still feel like long time," Ingrid dropped her gaze and shrugged, "Maybe me just be selfish. He need to be with his family."
Dorothy placed the small bags of seeds back on the shelf and turned to Ingrid. "Oh, no dear, I don't think that is one bit selfish, his is your fiancé."
"And we still not know when we be married. He keep saying when he finished the house, but it take so long," she placed the floral bonnet back, about to leave.
"I know, sweetheart and now with all this trouble, it might be even longer," Dorothy walked slowly across the empty store with Ingrid.
"Why you say this?" she frowned.
"Well, once Dr Mike comes home, Matthew will need to spend a lot of time with the family. It will all be very difficult." Dorothy backed away slightly, seeing the disheartened cringe sweep over the girl's pale face.
"You say we not get married? You say he want to wait longer, now?" She swallowed, grasping the sides of her dress worriedly.
"I really don't know, Ingrid, but you mustn't pressure him. If he feels he needs to be close to the family and stay at home, then that is what he needs to do." Dorothy looked at the girl seriously, trying to soften the impact of her words.
"But what about Sully? He not be there? Why Matthew have to be the one to take care of everyone? Dr Mike not want to marry Sully anymore?" Ingrid tried to make sense of the earth shattering development.
"I shouldn't think so, Ingrid. I'd reckon marriage would be the last thing on Michaela's mind at the moment," Dorothy speculated, the young girl nodding, trying desperately to turn her self pity into concern.
"I, I talk to Matthew when he come home." She looked down as Dorothy gripped her right arm tightly.
"But, dear, you can't. You can't force that poor boy to choose. Now, you listen to me, Ingrid. If Dr Mike comes home with the children, you can't let Matthew feel guilty about not bein' able to get married. Just gonna make it harder for him to do what is right; stay and support Dr Mike," Dorothy instructed coldly.
"You be sure about this, Miss Dorothy? I love Matthew, I not want to make it hard for him." Ingrid clasped her hands in front of her tightly.
"I am sure, Ingrid. You mustn't put any pressure on him." Dorothy backed off immediately, sensing the young girl may have an asthma attack if distressed further.
"I go now," Ingrid frowned again, and moved towards the door.
"All right, dear. Good day," she smiled lightly, as Ingrid slowly and forlornly stepped out onto the porch and walked away down the main street.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
It was late in the afternoon, almost supper time. They had been traveling for over six hours, Brian and Colleen dozing occasionally. Michaela, however, had been far less settled, barely staying seated for more than twenty minutes at a time. The fourth time she left the compartment, Matthew and Sully met eyes.
"Something wrong with her?" Matthew barely moved, his sister asleep against his shoulder.
"Don't think so; think she's just uncomfortable," Sully reassured, once Michaela was out of earshot.
"Guess so," Matthew paused, glancing between each of his sleeping siblings.
"You actually thought about how we're gonna handle the town? I mean, she steps outa that stage Monday, and I really don't know how much I trust Hank."
Sully considered Matthew's point. "Well, there's nothing we can actually do, 'sides support her. Just gotta trust even Hank wouldn't be that cruel."
"Well, what about wirin' ahead or something?" Matthew suggested.
"I dunno, might just make it worse, everyone'll be waitin' then. That's the last thing she needs," Sully looked out through the compartment door, ensuring Michaela was nowhere in sight.
"Yeah," Matthew agreed. "Sully, you really think this town's strong enough for somethin' like this? I mean, know it'll be better than Boston, but still, people gonna feel real awkward." He moved his sister's arm gently back onto her lap, smiling as Brian remained snugly curled up next to Sully.
"I know," he muttered softly, looking back down the hallway. "You think I wish this never happened? 'Course I do. None of us, especially ya ma, wanted things to turn out this way, but we're past that. We gotta move on, and ya ma has to mean more to all a us, than the town. No matter what, Matthew." Sully kept his hand rested soothingly on Brian's back.
"I just don't want no-one hurtin' her, She, she's really hurtin', we can all see that, and havin' to deal with some a the less tactful people in this town. Just worried it'll be too hard for her," Matthew ran a hand through his neatly combed back hair, as he shook his head and sighed.
"No-one's sayin' this is gonna be easy, not for a minute, We just gotta trust that enough people will understand. Olive, Dorothy, Grace, Robert E., Myra and Horace. Those sorta people, and give ya ma time to feel comfortable again. If she wants to stay around the homestead for a few weeks, then we gotta let her. She'll come 'round, she's strong." Sully ran his hand over the young child's soft, blond hair, the boy's head on his thigh.
"And then what? Still can barely get my head around this. Where's she gonna go to have the baby and then, she gonna keep it? What?" Matthew let the air out of his lungs in an exasperated huff of confusion.
"Whoa," Sully raised his arm, "Ya getting yaself all worked up. Don't gotta think about all that yet. Ya ma'll decide later on. Got plenty a time to settle in, let things calm down."
"Yeah, just seems, well, I can understand why she left, is all." Matthew muttered quietly.
"So can I." Sully looked down at the sleeping boy on his lap, not expecting Matthew to continue.
"Sully, know it's none a my business but, you and Dr Mike. She still mad at ya?" Matthew felt Colleen begin to stir next to him.
"No, I don't think she is, Matthew. I think we're fine," Sully gazed out of the window, remembering the drawn-out kiss they'd shared the day before.
"Good, that's somethin' at least. What 'bout, ah, did you ask her?" Matthew raised an eyebrow meaningfully.
Sully frowned, uncomfortably, remembering the fury in Michaela's voice. "Yes, Matthew, I mentioned it, didn't go down well, but I mentioned it. She knows, all right?" Sully looked in frustration to the passing countryside.
"She said 'no'?" he replied, his mouth opening in surprise, as Colleen woke up more fully.
"In a word, yes, but at least she knows it's an option," Sully changed the subject abruptly, "Nice nap, Colleen?"
"Hmm," she rubbed her eyes with a nod and looked around. "Where's Dr Mike?"
Both Sully and Matthew shrugged. Colleen arrived to her feet hurriedly.
"Well, if it's all right with both of you, I'd prefer to know where she is," Colleen shook her head, still not completely trusting her mother.
"Colleen, she's just restless. Probably just walkin' around," Sully objected.
"Then she might want some company," she smiled pleasantly, sliding the glass door open and leaving the small compartment.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Colleen yawned and smoothed out her dress, as she paced from their compartment to the end of the narrow hallway. She finally located Michaela by the door.
"You all right, Dr Mike?" she smiled tentatively, and arrived next to her.
Michaela looked up from her daydream, slipping her hand from her stomach, and moving away from the wall she'd been leaning against. "I'm fine, just cramped."
"I'll bet," Colleen smiled hesitantly. She moved her gaze quickly from her mother's abdomen, glancing out of the window, as her right hand idly held onto the new ruby pendant around her neck.
Michaela watched the awkwardness play on the girl's face, and cautiously slipped a hand to her shoulder. "Colleen, it's all right," she whispered calmly.
The young girl flinched slightly, "No it ain't," Colleen hung her head. "I've been so awful to you. I'm sorry."
"I understand, and I don't blame you," Michaela squeezed her daughter's shoulder softly, as Colleen raised her head.
"You don't? But I was bein' cruel and speaking out of line, without caring whether I hurt your feelings or not," Colleen admitted honestly.
"You were angered by my actions, angry with me. We all say things we don't mean when we're upset." Michaela gently moved her arm around the girl's back, drawing her to her side. "It's all right."
Colleen accepted the embrace, and brought her left arm around Michaela's waist. "I," she paused, realizing she needed to be truthful, "I guess, I was just disappointed. I thought you would feel the same as me."
"I do, Colleen." Michaela kissed the side of her head tenderly. She realized the courage it had taken the girl to speak so candidly.
"Then, how could you?" she spoke neutrally, in a hushed tone.
"I panicked. I was more worried about what people would think and expect, than of what I knew was right," she felt Colleen's hand tighten warmly around her left hip.
"Still, I had no right. It weren't me that had to deal with the consequences. I, I just didn't think we'd ever disagree on something so serious. Guess I didn't want to think you weren't perfect," Colleen's voice was low, that final sentence being the one she considered to have influenced her attitude the most.
"No-one's perfect, Colleen." Michaela smiled, hugging the girl closer.
"But you were always so sure of yourself, your opinions. Of what was right and wrong. But then, everything changed, and you weren't that same person, and I hated you for not being as strong as you always were," she looked up at Michaela honestly, "I got so mad at you and it was selfish. Was just coz I felt let down."
"Thank-you for telling me the truth, sweetheart. I'm sorry I confused you like that. You were right, I wasn't the same person," Michaela reflected. Both kept their eyes focused on the passing scenery, until Colleen eventually broke the silence.
"Ma, I shoulda told you before, but didn't wanna upset you. When you were sick, I was really scared, and I didn't understand why everyone just seemed to forget about it all. I do now." Colleen looked away.
Michaela stroked the girl's shoulder-length blond hair, forcing herself to remember the time Colleen was referring to. For Michaela, though, there were only fragments of consciousness. She could remember being carried; she could hear Dorothy's voice. Beyond that, it was mostly darkness.
"Colleen, I owe you an apology also. I've asked things of you that were unforgivable these last few months. I've asked you to lie, to keep secrets, none of that was right. I forced you to take on responsibilities that were my own and for that, I'm sorry." Michaela locked eyes with the young girl once again, both reading the sincerity and remorse in the other's gaze.
"It just weren't like you. I felt like what happened, changed who you were, in so many ways. But, instead a bein' angry at who I oughta be, I got angry at you. I wish I coulda been stronger, like Sully. Wish I could have known how to help better," Colleen concluded, Michaela pulling away slightly to take her hands.
"Colleen, nothing you did or said, would have changed any of this. I honestly don't think Sully knowing would have made a difference. In the end, it was something I had to come to terms with for myself. I had to have the chance to choose, because I hadn't before. I've made that choice now. I know I will make it through this. Because I have all of you, because we are together." Michaela held the girl's hands lightly in her own.
"Ma?" Colleen whispered, waiting for Michaela to look back up at her. "Will you tell me the truth? I mean, if I promise not to get angry at you." She turned her head slightly.
"The truth?" Michaela shrugged, not following her.
"I just mean, I don't want anything else to go wrong. I don't wanna feel the way I have, ever again. You don't have to worry about upsettin' me, or scarin' me, but will you always be honest with me?" Colleen frowned, seeing the uncertain look in her mother's eyes.
"I, don't?" Michaela shook her head, not understanding Colleen's words.
"Just mean, don't go disappearin' again like that and don't," the tone of her voice increased slightly, "keep stuff from me."
Michaela narrowed her eyes as she spoke, "Colleen, I promise, I'm not going anywhere but, I won't promise to never protect you from the world. I will try to be as honest as I can, but there are going to be times when I can't, and that's just how it has to be." Michaela knew it was not the answer the young girl was expecting, however, Michaela also knew there would be some truths she would never be sharing with her daughter.
"But how can I trust you when you're not honest with me?" Colleen pulled away slightly, beginning to feel nervous.
"There's a difference between honesty and protection, Colleen. I will always try to be honest, in as much as that I will never directly lie to you again but there are still some things that we will probably never talk about." Michaela tried to think up a suitable analogy, "I'm sure there are things you talk about with Becky that you don't share with me?" she ventured, raising an eyebrow, trying to alleviate the tension.
Colleen smiled, covering her mouth with her hand lightly, "Well, yeah," she looked away quickly, cheeks reddening.
"Exactly." Michaela smiled and nudged Colleen playfully, the young girl dissolving into self-conscious giggles.
Colleen gradually regained her composure and hastily changed the subject, "You gonna come back and sit with us, or want me to stay?" she smiled caringly.
"I'm going to stay here a little longer, Colleen. I can tolerate the swollen ankles more than the back pain." Michaela rolled her eyes as Colleen looked awkwardly down the corridor.
"Go on." Michaela patted her arm softly, Colleen looking back towards her for a moment.
"I'll go get Sully," she smiled and disappeared back to their compartment.
~.~
X.O.X
Friday, 27th August, 1869
One Day Later – 18 Weeks Gestation
X.O.X
~.~
"What time you reckon they'll have breakfast?" Brian sat up, looking around the motionless compartment.
"Ssh, everyone's still sleepin'," Sully whispered, putting his finger to his lips.
Brian frowned and looked around; Matthew and Colleen were sleeping leaned up against each other, Michaela had eventually managed to fall sleep, curled up on the other bench. Brian and Sully had opted for the far more spacious, if less comfortable, carpeted floor.
"What time is it?" Brian crawled out from under Michaela's cloak, which had been sacrificed for a blanket, over to Sully.
"Still early, Brian. Go back to sleep." Sully rested his hand on the boy's shoulder.
"Ain't tired," Brian replied immediately.
Sully sighed and looked up across the small space. Brian had been the first to fall asleep the night before, and Sully knew Matthew and Colleen had taken another half an hour or so. He and Michaela had talked in hushed voices long into the night, until she'd finally been able to drift off out of pure exhaustion.
"Come on," he gestured towards the sliding door, opening it very quietly, as both he and Brian slipped through.
"Brian, ya gotta be quiet, everyone else's still sleepin'," Sully kept his voice low, as they moved down the corridor. At the exact same moment, a baby nearby chose to start screaming. Sully smiled, as Brian looked at him with a cheeky grin.
"Do I still gotta be quiet now?" He spoke, teasingly.
"Yeah," Sully ruffled his hair, as they arrived to the end of the compartments, taking seats on the small bench by the door.
"Sully?" Brian raised his voice appropriately.
"Hmm?" He turned to face him, "Brian if this is about your stomach," Sully teased.
"No, not mine," the child paused, "reckon I'll get a baby brother or sister?"
"I dunno, Brian. That's something ya won't know for awhile." Sully swallowed, Brian's question only reaffirming the reality that lay ahead.
"Well, I was really hopin' for a baby brother, otherwise Colleen and Ma'll just be puttin' her in little ribbons and dresses, makin' her look all silly like Penny. Do ya reckon, if I pray for a baby brother that'd help?" Brian smiled, looking hopeful.
Sully tapped his palms anxiously against his knees, looking around for any possible distraction. Nothing. He sighed, reaching his left arm around Brian's small shoulders.
"Brian, we gotta have a talk," Sully nodded, running his tongue over his teeth. He searched desperately for inspiration.
"What about?" Brian frowned, leaning against Sully worriedly.
"Well about ya ma havin' this baby. About what that's gonna mean," he swallowed, realizing he was only tiptoeing around the issue. "Brian, you know that it takes two people to create a baby, don't ya?" Sully ran his hands down his face, glancing briefly out at the sunrise through the glass window of the door to his right.
God, this is hard.
"Yeah, the ma and the pa," Brian shrugged, not understanding the apprehension in Sully's pained expression.
"Brian," he paused, glancing around, tapping his foot lightly on the ground. Let him work it out for himself, gotta let him figure it out. "Brian, did you think there was anything odd about findin' out ya ma was gonna have a baby?" Sully chewed thoughtfully on his lower lip, watching as the young boy considered the question.
"Well, she didn't tell no-one. Then on the train, I asked her why she didn't tell ya, but she wouldn't tell me. Then I asked why didn't ya just get married, but she said I was too young to understand," Brian prattled off innocently.
Sully dropped his hands tiredly to his knees. No wonder Michaela ended up in such a state, facing questions like this every five minutes.
Sully pulled himself back to the current conversation, replaying the child's final words over in his head to catch up.
"Right, Brian, why do you think ya ma and I should get married?" I know exactly why he thinks we should get married. Oh, why do I have to tell him this? No, I have to be honest, everyone else is gonna know in a few days. I have to prepare him.
"Well, coz then no-one would have to know about the baby 'til after you were married, and it wouldn't be a bad thing." Brian gestured with the palm of his right hand upturned, thinking Sully's question was rather obvious.
"Why would it be a bad thing if we weren't married?" Sully continued, crossing his arms tightly against his chest.
Brian considered the question, his face dissolving into a frown; "Because ya can't have a baby if ya not married."
"Why not?" Sully forced himself to keep his expression neutral and curious as to the child's answers, determined to not let Brian feel the tension and worry he was experiencing.
"Because, because, that's just how it works. The man marries the lady and then they become the ma and pa," the little boy explained proudly, pausing for a moment with an innocent thought, "Sully, didn't ya know all this?"
"Oh, I know, Brian, I know." Believe me, I know. Sully kept his tone neutral and ensured it did not sound condescending.
Brian however, was becoming slightly more frustrated with the circular discussion. "Well then, if ya know, then why ya askin'? If ya know, then how come Ma's havin' the baby before ya got married? Why didn't ya get married first?" Brian turned to his right on the bench, tucking his right foot up under his left knee, trying to get more comfortable.
"Because I'm not the pa, Brian," There. I've said it.
I can't unsay it.
Sully sighed, awaiting the child's reaction intently.
I had to say it.
"What?" his voice was high-pitched, his little face dropped. "But Ma said you were gonna be our pa. I don't understand, you're not going to be our pa?" Sully could see the whites of the little boy's eyes, his eyebrows having dropped into fierce concern.
"I don't know about that, Brian. The thing you needa understand is, I'm not the baby's pa," Sully patted Brian's back comfortingly as he spoke. The mere words passing through his lips were enough to invoke torturous images in his mind.
The little boy's smooth, cream-colored cheeks reddened slightly, and he sat up with an alarming thought, "Then is Ma gonna marry the baby's pa?" His pure, blue eyes searched Sully's face for an immediate answer.
"No, Brian." All right, time to put a stop to this.
Sully cleared his throat and turned slightly, so that he was facing the boy more directly. "Brian, now I gotta explain something to you very carefully here. You remember, back when the dog soldiers took ya ma?" Sully kept his left arm tightly around the boy's shoulders, drawing him closer to him.
"Yeah, when you fell off the cliff," he replied with a shrug.
"Right and ya ma got hurt. Did, did Miss Dorothy tell you about that?" Sully watched the concern begin to drop from the boy's face, as he struggled to remember clearly.
"She did, a bit, but she didn't make much sense. Matthew said, he said somethin' about kissing without permission and Miss Dorothy used this strange word. Rope?" He frowned in concentration.
"Rape, Brian," Sully dropped his eyes closed for a drawn-out moment. However, the view behind his closed eyelids, of the afternoon he and Cloud Dancing had found the dog soldier's camp, was far worse. Opening them with an inaudible gasp, Sully forced himself to focus on the boy's reply.
"Yeah, and he said it's when a man kisses a lady but she doesn't want him to," Brian clasped his hands in his lap, having stated the definition with more assertiveness than he had when talking with Matthew months earlier.
"Well, that's kind of it. Brian, you don't have to tell me about it but ya ma told you how babies are made, didn't she?" Sully patted his shoulder lightly, as Brian looked up at him.
"Yeah, the pa puts the baby into the special sac and then it grows 'til it's born" Brian squinted, remembering the medical textbook.
"Brian, do you think, you could understand, well, what if a man did that and the woman didn't want the baby?" That's better, man, woman, just keep it general, don't think. Do not think.
"So rape is giving a woman a baby when she doesn't want it?" The small boy turned his right hand over, questioningly.
"Well, no, because people don't always know if a baby is gonna happen or not." Sully sighed, letting his eyes drop closed momentarily. He knew Brian was missing a few of the finer details, however, all things considered, that probably didn't matter right at the moment.
Sully moved slightly on the bench, slipping his arm from Brian's shoulder.
"So Ma didn't know she was gonna have a baby?" Brian's eyebrows rose innocently.
"No, Brian, not for a while," he replied.
"Sully, was that how Ma got hurt? When Colleen tried to make her wake up and Dr Cassidy came. Is that why she had blood on her legs, because of the baby?"
"Well, I suppose so, Brian," his voice trailed off, only able to imagine the horrors the little boy had witnessed.
"So the baby's pa is one of the bad Indians?" his voice wavered with childlike uncertainty.
"Yes, Brian," Sully confirmed.
"And, and," he stammered, concocting a traumatic, childlike image in his mind, "he hurt Ma by putting the baby into her and that's what all the blood was?" His chin trembled; eyes huge with mortification.
Sully swallowed, feeling nauseated by the boy's innocent, yet intelligent depiction.
He merely nodded.
Brian turned away, his mind working quickly. When he looked back up at Sully, his voice was hollow, fingers interlocked tightly.
"Ma's gonna have an Indian baby!?" Brian exclaimed.
Sully clasped the boy's shoulder again with a depersonalized affirming nod. "Does that make sense, Brian?" he kept his eyes focused deliberately on the child's.
"I guess so. Sully, is she gonna have to give the baby to Cloud Dancing?" Still, the cogs in his mind were turning.
"No, Brian," he stated very clearly. "It's her baby." The little boy relaxed slowly. "But do you understand now, why ya ma ain't happy like Miss Myra is? That it's not the same, because she didn't want the baby?"
"That why she was seein' all the doctors in Boston? To see if they could make the baby go away?" He dropped his head again, remembering his mother's chaotic behavior.
"Exactly Brian, but that has to be a secret. Only the five of us and Miss Olive know about that, all right?" Sully waited until the boy had looked back up at him. He nodded, until Brian had taken in the seriousness of his statement.
"Yeah, I won't say nothin'. Is that what the operation was gonna be?" Brian deduced quickly.
"Yes, Brian," Sully replied.
"I'm glad she didn't have it." He let his face drop into a relieved grin.
"So am I." Sully wrapped his arm around the boy's shoulders once again, as Brian snuggled back next to him.
"Hey Sully?" Brian looked up at him.
"Yup?" Sully smiled.
"Do ya think, well, Ma could pretend you were the baby's pa? Then she wouldn't have to be so sad?" The little boy's eyes softened, pleadingly.
Sully rubbed his back, his smile spreading at the child's compassion. "It doesn't work like that, I'm afraid." Sully locked eyes with the child, "But does that make things easier for you to understand, now? That ya ma is really, really upset at the moment, and she's findin' it difficult to love the baby?"
"Yeah, coz it came from somethin' bad. Not like when you're married." Brian pursed his lips, gradually gaining confidence in his assumptions.
"That's right, Brian. When two people are married and they make a baby together, they love it because they love the person they made it with," Sully's eyes lowered, as he remembered the moment Abigail had told him she was expecting their first child.
"I know and the bad Indian hurt Ma and so it reminds her of when she got hurt?" Brian muttered solemnly, with an acquired maturity and understanding.
"Right," Sully confirmed.
"Sully?" Brian waited until he looked back to him, before continuing, "Will Ma always hate the baby?" His voice was dejected.
"I hope not, Brian. I hope she'll be able to love the baby, because it's a part of her, but we gotta let her realize that on her own, all right?" Sully moved his arm from the boy's back, up his neck, to slowly run his fingers through his fair hair.
"Maybe she'll learn to love it. Like us." Brian turned, a hopeful smile appearing on his face.
"Maybe she will." Sully rested his hand on the top of the child's head, Brian leaning further into his chest, as they watched the sun continue to rise through the window.