A/N:
WARNING: THIS IS THE BAD PLACE.
I don't have it in me to give a detailed chronicle of the unravelling of the first marriage; I just don't currently have any desire to spend my time that way. So, as I mentioned at the start of this story, I will be ripping the band-aid off with three short chapters of misery (originally one longer chapter, but I wanted an extra beat between sections), all of which I am posting together. These (chapters 8-10) are those chapters.
As such, I totally understand if you want to delay reading these chapters until after we start back on happier ground—until there's something sweet to chase the sour. I have a lot of anxiety; I get that vibe. So I can tell you that next week (aiming for August 21) I will be posting the "Immortality" (16) chapter and the week after that (aiming for August 28) is when all the fluffy reconciliation good times start to roll.
If you want something cheerier in the interim, last week I posted my story for ficwip's 5k 2023 AU challenge, "One Life Stand: A Hot Dog Cart," which depicts an earlier (June 1993) AU meeting and intimate encounter between our two lovely science nerds and offers some summery fun.
Fall 2009 to Winter 2013. Paris, France; Las Vegas, Nevada; and Elsewhere, in the World.
All these soft, warm nights going to waste when I ought to be lying in your arms under the moon – the dearest arms in all the world – darling arms that I love to feel around me – How much longer – before they'll be there to stay? When I do get home again, you'll certainly have a most awful time ever moving me one inch from you.
– Zelda Fitzgerald, Dear Scott, Dearest Zelda:
The Love Letters of F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald.
They sat together in the park
As the evening sky grew dark
She looked at him and he felt a spark
Tingle to his bones
'Twas then he felt alone
And wished that he'd gone straight
And watched out for a simple twist of fate
– Bob Dylan, "Simple Twist of Fate."
I was the one
I who could
Pull in all the stars above
Lay them on your feet
And I gave you my love
You are the one that got me started
You could have let me
Love anyone but I only wanted you
So why did you make me cry
Why didn't you come get me one last time
You'll always know the reason why
We could've had the moon and the sky
You'll always know the reason why this love
Reason why this love
Ain't gonna let you go
[…]
You had the keys to the car
You had every star
Every one of them twinkling
Baby what were you thinking
We had the moon and the sky above
And I gave you my love
– Sade, "The Moon and the Sky."
Love Among Thieves
In mid-September 2009, Sara Sidle and Gil Grissom were living very happily together in their cozy apartment on the Île Saint-Louis when Sara received a phone call from Conrad Ecklie back at the Las Vegas crime lab. CSI Riley Adams had left her position with little notice, and the graveyard shift was shorthanded. Ecklie wanted to know whether Sara could recommend any experienced CSIs from her San Francisco days who might be interested in filling the empty spot on relatively short notice. Sara began to mull this over.
Sara felt stabler and more in control now, after her time away from Vegas, and happier than she'd ever been, after her eight months with Grissom. She didn't like the way she'd left the Vegas lab, though; she felt like she'd left in defeat. For someone who had spent her life trying to prove herself—to prove she would not be held back by the circumstances of her upbringing—this didn't sit well with her. She mulled some more. Then she talked to Grissom about it.
After a lot of discussion, Sara and Grissom both decided the best way for Sara to put the past behind her for good would be for her to fill the open graveyard shift spot, on a temporary basis, while Ecklie continued his search for a permanent replacement. Grissom would miss her while she was gone, but, as always, he wanted what was best for Sara. On the upside for Sara, she would get to spend some time with her old friends at the Vegas lab, friends whom she had left quite abruptly (as Greg Sanders and his never-ending emails wouldn't let her forget).
Sara spoke with Ecklie. He was more than glad to have Sara return; the lab needed her. He even agreed she would get regular time off to visit Grissom in Paris. So Sara would return to Vegas on a short-term basis but still visit and speak with Grissom regularly. All parties agreed on the arrangements, and, in late September 2009, Sara Sidle boarded a plane back to Las Vegas.
Always
In those eight months between when Grissom had left Vegas for a life with Sara and Sara had returned to Vegas to prove she could, they had both been 100% happy—deliriously happy, really. Because they were so 100% happy, they also (both collectively and each individually) assumed they were finally 100% confident in their relationship, 100% confident that the other loved as much as they each did.
Unfortunately, they were probably each only around, let's say, 95% confident in their relationship, 95% confident that the other loved as much as they each did. 95% is close to 100%; it was understandable that they had rounded up. It was understandable that they had overlooked or perhaps seen but failed to recognize the significance of that missing 5%.
Unfortunately for them, that 5% was crucial. That 5% made all the difference. Later, when they were separated by distance, that missing 5% was what would allow doubt to fester.
If they had recognized that missing 5%, if they had seen its significance, maybe they would have acted differently. But they didn't. They were so blinded by love and their delirious happiness that they failed to notice it. They failed to foresee what would eventually happen when they were apart. That would be their downfall.
The Awful Truth: When They Were Apart
Though living on different continents, Sara and Grissom spoke daily and visited each other at least once per month. They were still just two science nerds in love. Unfortunately, eventually the funding for their proposed research fell through. When Grissom's time at the Sorbonne finally ended, he had already been offered another opportunity, then another.
Sara and Grissom foresaw that Sara would be in Las Vegas for longer than originally anticipated, so together they bought a house there, although of course Grissom only ever visited it. While Grissom remained overseas, Sara was still in Vegas, proving to herself she had left her demons (and ghosts) behind.
Distance kept Sara and Grissom physically apart, but they believed their love would keep them together. They knew they loved each other; together, they were a family. Sara realized that what she and Grissom had—their long-distance marriage—was unconventional, but she thought that, as she told her mother-in-law, what they had worked. Sara again believed they could survive anything. Sara, as it turned out, was wrong.
Sara and Grissom had been very happy when together but of course very sad when the time came for them to part. After a couple years passed in this long-distance marriage of theirs, the constant travel, time differences, and long-distance communication began to wear on them. Calls and visits became somewhat longer but less frequent; sometimes they would get pushed or missed.
Though Sara and Grissom still spoke and saw each other reasonably regularly, they started to dread their time apart even when they were together. As further time passed, this dread started to arise sooner and sooner. The time came that they were spending more of their visits dreading their time apart than enjoying their time together. Eventually, by the time the visits began, they would already be dreading the visits' ends. Then they started dreading the ends of the visits before they could even look forward to the visits' beginnings; effectively they began dreading the visits themselves. What good is hello when one is already dreading goodbye?
The time between their calls became longer and longer. The time between their visits became longer and longer. The calls and visits they had were full of sadness not happiness. They'd been apart so long they no longer knew how to bridge the gap. Two people who had once barely needed words no longer knew how to communicate—or maybe the fact that they had often communicated without words was the problem: in a long-distance relationship, they once more needed words.
Grissom saw Sara had made a life for herself again in Vegas, and he thought that, if she wanted him to be a part of it, she would have told him; in turn, if she wanted to be a part of his life overseas, she would have asked him. Sara, for her part, thought that, if Grissom wanted to join her back in Vegas, he would have done so; in turn, if he'd wanted her to join him overseas, he would have asked her.
If it weren't for that missing 5%, Sara and Grissom would have had confidence that the other wanted them present. But that 5% had grown and festered until, with time, they were each convinced the other didn't; that 5% had taken over everything else. So, as you see, that 5% made all the difference; that 5% was their downfall.
This time, Sara would have suffered in her sadness forever, as long as something tied her to Grissom. Grissom, though, knew too much of Sara's story, too much of her suffering, and he would not allow this to continue. So, he did what he thought was kindest, what she'd once done for him: he set her free. Although he'd learned it once, after so long apart, he'd lost his way; he didn't realize that, traumatic events and mental health issues aside, all she'd ever really needed to be happy was him.
UP NEXT: NEXT CHAPTER: WINTER 2013 TO FALL 2015. LAS VEGAS, NEVADA.
NOTES
On how they fell apart:
I very much see this as a mutual breakdown in communication and understanding; they'd both lost their way, but Grissom couldn't bear to see Sara suffering any longer and was thus the one to act on it. I imagine that fatal phone call having Sara very coolly (and resignedly) saying, "This is not what I want," and Grissom (also resignedly) saying something like, "I think it's for the best."
I will be revisiting some of this a very little bit, so I don't want to add too much here, but I imagine him not saying how he really feels (still madly in love with her!) because he doesn't want to make her feel guilty and her not saying how she really feels (still madly in love with him!) because she's terrified of hearing him say he's not in love with her.
SOUNDTRACK LISTING
l have basically a whole misery subsection for my playlist, covering this chapter and the two that follow:
The Lumineers. "ROLLERCOASTER."
Sarah McLachlan. "I Love You."
The Honey Trees. "Still I Love You."
Des'ree. "Kissing You."
Billie Holiday. "Body and Soul."
Sade. "No Ordinary Love."
Sade. "Still in Love with You."
Sade. "The Moon and the Sky."
Everything But the Girl. "Missing."
Roxette. "It Must Have Been Love."
Sinéad O'Connor. "Nothing Compares 2 U."
Fleetwood Mac. "Landslide."
Joni Mitchell. "A Case of You" (Live).
Bille Holiday. "The End of a Love Affair."
Marvin Gaye. "I Heard It Through the Grapevine."
Otis Redding. "I've Been Loving You Too Long."
Otis Redding. "(I've Got) Dreams to Remember."
The Platters. "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes."
Frank Sinatra. "Stardust."
David Usher. "Butterfly."
blink-182. "I Miss You."
The Cure. "Pictures of You."
Bob Dylan. "Simple Twist of Fate."
The Who. "Bargain."
The Weather Station. "Tried to Tell You."
Bleachers. "Rollercoaster (MTV Unplugged)."
(You can listen to these songs in my playlist for this series, which can be found by searching my username on Spotify.)
EPISODE REFERENCE(S)
10x01. "Family Affair." Original air date: September 24, 2009.
11x13. "The Two Mrs. Grissoms." Original air date: February 3, 2011.
A/N:
The next two chapters will be posted today. 💛