A/N:
This is not the bad place. This is not the good place. This is... someplace in between:
"Immortality" (16).
My apologies for the delay in posting this chapter. Following a somewhat last-minute wedding invitation, I found myself on a two-week, 3,000 km (2,000 mile) road trip to attend a wedding, to visit several family members I hadn't seen in at least half a decade, and then to try to make it home past the semi-apocalyptic forest fires that have hit my region this summer—which would all probably have been fine, but I just was not prepared for how bad my network coverage would be at the end of the trip. So here we are.
The following probably should have been a note at the end of the last chapter, but I got a bit distracted by the aforementioned road trip:
To be clear, I think the divorce was trash—100% trash—110% trash, even. When TPTB realized JF was returning for longer than expected (e.g., at the beginning of season 11), they should have had Sara announce Grissom had returned to Vegas but had made it very clear he had put his time with the crime lab behind him and would not, under any circumstances, be returning to CSI (hint, hint, to the audience).
The divorce was a betrayal: a betrayal of the fans who had put so much time, energy, and love into this very slow-burn relationship as well as a betrayal of the two most significant ongoing storylines of the first eight and a half seasons—i.e., Sara and Grissom's romance and Gil Grissom's character development. As addictedtostorytelling said in her Tumblr meta on "gil grissom's heroic journey in season nine of c.s.i.," "it is in season nine that we see grissom achieve his ultimate realization as a character—to finally complete his journey from the isolated figure we first meet him as to the one who, when he leaves us, believes, above everything, in love." Honestly, I think CSI would have best ended in the rainforest in "One to Go" (09x10), with its most significant narrative arcs complete.
(Given that, as I understand it, WP had been planning on leaving the show for a couple years before he did so and had been an active participant in developing Grissom's exit storyline, the fact that 13x15 aired literally the day before WP's 60th birthday also feels like an extra kick in the face.)
But, as much as I love a good AU, I am not very good at ignoring canon. So this story is a bit of a fix-it fic for me, but it doesn't change any of the events of canon; instead, it contextualizes canon in the way that makes me happiest—with the characters being very happy when together and super, super, super miserable when apart. Of course, as an upside, the best part of fighting (or, in this case, divorcing) is getting to make up….*
*Not happening in this chapter—but very, very soon….
I assume anyone reading GSR fanfic has a more than passing familiarity with the events of "Immortality" (16), and I will not really be rehashing them here. I've tried to include a few resources in my notes below, though, in case anyone needs a bit of a refresher.
Fall 2015. Las Vegas, Nevada and San Diego, California.
You've got an old-fashioned idea divorce is something that lasts forever, "til death do us part." Why divorce doesn't mean anything nowadays, Hildy, just a few words mumbled over you by a judge.
– Walter Burns (Cary Grant), in His Girl Friday.
"[U]p on this height
A majestic sight
Flooded the skies
And how I could feel you near
Oh I could sail the world
Search through the darkest waters but
I'd never find
These golden eyes
I held the stars
To light where you are
When your unfeigned heart
Called to me through the dark
– Mike Setzer, "To Be with You."
Your love is bright as ever
Even in the shadows
Baby kiss me
Before they turn the lights out
Your heart is glowing
And I'm crashing into you
Baby kiss me
Before they turn the lights out
[…)
In the darkest night hour (in the darkest night hour)
I'll search through the crowd (I'll search through the crowd)
Your face is all that I see
I'll give you everything
Baby love me lights out
[…]
You better kiss me
Before our time has run out
– Beyonce Gisselle Knowles, Ryan B. Tedder, and Terius Youngdell Nash, "XO."
His Girl Friday
During his flight to Las Vegas, Gil Grissom oscillated between anticipation and dread. He again considered what he might find when he arrived at the crime lab. Either Sara had not moved on, and she would possibly still think herself angry with him about the divorce, or she had moved on, and she might think very little about him at all.
Although the latter option was what he had wanted for her, the mere thought of Sara's indifference left a pit in his stomach; from a distance, he could handle it, but to see it in front of him was likely more than he could bear. It would crush him.
Meanwhile, in the Las Vegas crime lab, Sara Sidle contemplated her ex-husband's imminent arrival. When Ecklie had requested Grissom's phone number, she really hadn't expected him to get ahold of the man, let alone that Grissom would be arriving in the crime lab in mere hours. Grissom hadn't managed to come back to Vegas to divorce her in person, she'd barely heard from him since, and now he was showing up at a moment's notice because of Heather Kessler?
Sara didn't know what to think. But she could be strong, she told herself. She could be brave. For a day or two, Sara Sidle could keep her emotions in check. She really didn't want him to see what he'd done to her.
When he walked into the crime lab, Grissom was again calm on the outside, but inside he felt as though he could not breathe. Looking around, he saw so many strange faces. This place he had felt so at home for so many years…. It was true, he thought: you really can't go home again.
A young red-haired woman, who looked vaguely familiar but whom he couldn't place, started talking to him a mile per minute. Grissom didn't know what to make of her. He still hadn't seen anyone he knew by name, but then he turned around and….
"Sara." What he really meant was hello, only woman I've ever loved—but he didn't say that out loud.
"Gil." What she really meant was hello, only man I've ever loved—but she didn't dare say that out loud either.
It had only taken that one word from her, but Grissom knew. It—whatever that intangible quality was that he feared might have been lost—was still there. She was still his Sara. She might no longer belong to him, and she might no longer love him, but he still belonged to her, and she was still the same woman he had always loved. She hadn't changed. She hadn't disappeared. She might, he soon realized, be angry with him, but in that instant all he felt was relief. And, for that moment at least, for the first time since he'd realized he was heading back to Vegas, again Gil Grissom could breathe.
Although he could breathe, Grissom later admitted to Sara that seeing her again had left him a little speechless. Sometimes things like this just slipped out around her, no matter how hard he was trying to suppress them. She did things to his composure that no one else had ever done.
Meanwhile, Grissom's ex-wife had, for once, similarly been at a loss for words when she first saw him. Sara hated how good Grissom looked with his scruff. She hated that she wanted to drag him off to some supply closet and jump him. She hated that he'd come back for Heather. She hated the way being in his presence again made her feel. It felt way too much like love. Sara tried to tell herself again that, for a day or two at least, she could keep her emotions in check. Now that she was in his presence, though, she wasn't so sure.
They'd had some nice moments together, working the case. When they'd worked together with the bees, it had felt almost like old times. Sara had ultimately decided she would allow herself to enjoy these last pleasant moments with the only man she'd ever love. She thought it was like that one warm, sunny day that appears in the fall, before the weather turns cold and one feels winter bearing down on the horizon. (Sara seemed to remember this from her past, at least; it had been quite some time since she'd lived somewhere one properly experienced the seasons.)
Sara didn't know what she'd expected him to say to her, in the end; it was clear he still had nothing. Eventually she'd had to be the one to say goodbye. He'd already left her once, so she didn't know what else she had expected.
Anxiety caused by seeing her ex-husband again for the first time since their divorce had robbed Sara of the capacity for fully rational thought as far as he was concerned. She was rational about the case—Lady Heather had been a prime suspect, and Grissom should have acknowledged that—but regarding Grissom she was not thinking clearly. If she had been, she would have understood that the look in his eyes, and all his unrealized attempts to speak to her, had reflected the same sadness she had felt since the divorce.
Grissom had been trying to figure out what he could say to Sara after years of pushing her away. He'd still been trying to figure out what to say to her when she said goodbye to him, and then he knew it was final.
His heart was already broken, so it wasn't like this could break it any more. He wondered whether he'd ever see her again; he doubted he would. He hoped eventually she would find the happiness he'd wished for her. As much as he'd enjoyed being in her presence again, he knew she was still too good for him.
Sara had succeeded, and Grissom was so proud of her—her success, and the time he had spent with her, had briefly given him a sense of contentedness he hadn't felt in years—but she had her own life now. Grissom was not a part of it. If he had only been thinking of himself, he would have told her how he felt; he would have asked to stay in Vegas with her. But he knew he had no right to say those things to her. He knew he didn't belong. He had brought Sara to Vegas, all those years ago, but he no longer belonged there in her life.
Sara didn't want to watch the videotape. Lindsey Willows had said Sara should watch the end of the videotape of Grissom's final interview with Lady Heather, but that was about the last thing on earth Sara wanted to do; she'd prefer to hurl it into the sea.
Still, it was there, and having it sit there any longer was only going to increase her anxiety. The mature thing would be to watch the videotape; then she would never have to think of it or either Grissom or Heather ever again. Okay, Sara knew that wasn't going to happen. But, still, the mature thing would be just to get it done. She could do this.
So Sara closed the door to her new office—his old office, which was really just the cherry on top of this whole mess of a sundae. She put in the videotape then fast-forwarded to the end, when the officer who'd been with them had just left the interview room. She figured this was the part Lindsey had meant for her to watch.
Sara heard Grissom speaking. He wanted to thank Heather…. He'd had a shell around his heart…. He'd lost his belief in humanity…. Then, finally, "I-I just wanted to thank you for… opening my heart." Sara had to stop the videotape.
"Asshole," she muttered as she worked her jaw and tried desperately not to cry. "You asshole." Sara Sidle didn't cry anymore; she refused to let him make her cry. "I loved you," she whispered so quietly even she could barely hear it. With a desperate resignation, she added, "I love you."
At this point, Sara really wanted to hurl. She wanted to hurl the contents of her stomach across the room. Did Lindsey Willows have a sadistic streak of which Sara had been previously unaware? That should probably go in her file.
Still, Sara knew she had to get this done; she couldn't have it hanging over her head. Besides, this video was going to be sitting there in a police file, and she didn't want to be blindsided by the rest of its contents someday. She hesitated, fighting the anxious sickness that had already started to take hold of her chest, but again she pressed play.
When the tape finished, Sara was numb. She sat there. Numb. Then she hit rewind. "I learned to love someone…. She restores my faith in the human being…. She helped me with my crossword puzzles…. She's been my best friend…. I'll miss her. For the rest of my life…." She hit rewind again. She listened to the same words. Then she hit rewind and listened again.
After her fourth time through the videotape, Sara Sidle did not hesitate. She did not waiver. She did not doubt. She knew with absolute certainty what she had to do. Ecklie would be a bit pissed, but this wasn't about Ecklie. Greg and the others at the lab would be surprised, but this wasn't about them. Grissom, undoubtedly, would not see this coming, but her decision was, in a sense, not actually about him either. This was Sara's decision. Sara had always known that anything she was going to achieve in life she was going to have to achieve completely on her own. She knew what she wanted for her life now, and she was going to get it. Sara was choosing for herself.
Sara went online and bought a ticket for the next flight to San Diego she thought she could reasonably make in time. She spoke with San Diego Harbor Patrol to get the location of Grissom's boat. She went to her locker and shoved whatever she thought would be helpful into her bag; the rest she could get someone to box up for her.
Sara went to Ecklie's office, but he wasn't there, so she wrote a note: "Conrad, you had to make that call. Maybe try Catherine next. S." She had roughly three years' worth of vacation time accumulated, she had been promoted and held her new position for mere hours, and she'd gotten the impression Catherine would be keen to return to Vegas and the lab now that Lindsey was working there, so she wasn't all that worried about the lack of notice she was giving Ecklie for her departure. She could see the unfiled paperwork for her appointment to lab director still sitting in the middle of his desk, so she left the note with her newly acquired badge atop it.
Then, for the second time in her career, Sara Sidle walked right on out of there. The previous time, Sara had been running from something, but this time she knew exactly where she was headed.
Once on the plane, Sara began to think back on her relationship with Grissom and what had gone wrong—how they'd both made this terrible error, this horrible miscalculation. She didn't understand. She couldn't understand. But then, as she reflected on it some more, she did.
Sara realized they had both made the exact same mistake. They had both made the exact same assumptions about the other. The only difference was this time Sara would have stayed connected to Grissom at a distance forever, even if the distance pained her, whereas Grissom had tried to set her free, just as she'd once done for him.
He should have gone the other way—he should have told her he wanted to be with her. But she should have done the same; she should have told him she wanted him. She couldn't believe they'd made the same blunder again. They both shared the blame.
As her plane completed its descent at the San Diego International Airport, Sara looked out to the ocean and the boats dotting the waterfront on the picturesque September day. Sara had left one of her headphones' earbuds in during the plane's descent and was listening, on shuffle, to her old iPod, which was jammed full of music and had a battery that wouldn't quit. When Beyoncé's "XO" started playing, Sara thought it appropriate. Sara was done wasting time—wasting time she could be spending with the man she loved.
When Sara's taxi arrived at the port in San Diego, she knew what she was doing. She worried she might have missed him, though she knew he had flown out not all that long before she had, and she had even tried calling him before she left the lab, thinking he might not yet have caught his flight. Then she saw him on his boat; before her call with the harbor patrol, she hadn't even known he had named it for Moby-Dick. Worry overtook her, for a moment, as she approached him. But Sara Sidle knew exactly what she wanted.
UP NEXT: NEXT CHAPTER: FALL 2015. SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA AND ELSEWHERE, ON THE CALIFORNIA COAST.
NOTES
On Sara Sidle's knowledge of music:
WARNING: Short, salty, completely optional to the plot rant follows.
I'm sorry, but you can't tell me Sara Sidle didn't know who Beyoncé was. The girl could serenade herself with Blondie, sing Meshell Ndegeocello lyrics along with Archie, correct Greg's pronunciation of Tupac, call on her knowledge of satanists from her summer spent loving Black Sabbath, enjoy (and maybe—or maybe not—put on) Beck's "The Information" shortly after it was released, and seemingly listen to Iron & Wine's The Shepherd's Dog not long after its release. (According to the DVD commentaries, the Tupac pronunciation correction was based on JF correcting ES's pronunciation of Tupac in rehearsal, a piece of trivia I love.) So, true, Sara may have been a bit preoccupied when "Single Ladies" was released back in October 2008 (seeing as she was just about, once again, to leave her lover). Sure, she may have been too busy putting killers in jail to watch the VMAs. But you can't tell me she didn't know "Crazy in Love." You can't tell me she didn't know Destiny's Child. Am I missing something here? I just can't believe that, as of late 2013, she'd never heard of Beyoncé. And, for what it's worth, I have absolutely no strong feelings about Beyoncé, but I (surprise!) feel rather strongly about Sara Sidle's characterization. I know it's a funny line, but I find it inconsistent with her characterization from her initial run on the show (pre-2007-2008 WGA strike, when CSI had different writers).
To me, Sara's "Who's Beyoncé?" line (in "Girls Gone Wild," 14x10) seems like a (too) easy way for the (relatively speaking at least, new, and non-relatively speaking, not all that great with the characterization of the original cast) writers to show Sara was still the "nerd" (a term I have obviously embraced!) contrasted with the fun blonde girls, Finn and Morgan. I don't believe that, though; I know Sara was, yes, totally an awkward science nerd who'd never heard of a trophy condom, but I also think she was more with it than that. I think Sara was a cool nerd. Plus Sara had been living a pretty lonely life for years (watching too much TV and consequently overfamiliar with TV jingles because her husband was abroad, planning Tracy/Hepburn marathons, etc.), so she had plenty of spare time, in which I imagine she would have caught up on a lot of pop culture (basically just by osmosis). So I choose to believe that was just a line she was using to get out of doing karaoke with Morgan. (Admittedly, though, I haven't watched that full episode since it aired—or maybe at all—so please tell me if I missed or am misconstruing something.)
Anyway, regardless, she'd certainly heard of Beyoncé by fall 2015.
On the plot of the CSI series finale, "Immortality" (16)—some resources:
csi fandom com/wiki/Immortality;
addictedtostorytelling tumblr com/post/130045841161/bombs-beekeeping-a-gsr-play-by-play-for-the;
addictedtostorytelling tumblr com/post/136336904019/a-gsr-shippers-guide-to-the-galaxy-csi-series; and
transcripts foreverdreaming org/viewtopic php?f=34&t=22647.
(You'd add the dot (".") where there are spaces. But a google search would probably be simpler.)
SOUNDTRACK LISTING
Billie Holiday. "I'll Be Seeing You."*
Frank Sinatra. "I'll Be Seeing You."
Lord Huron. "She Lit a Fire."
Lord Huron. "The Night We Met."
Lord Huron. "When Will I See You Again."
Phil Collins. "Against All Odds."
Beyoncé. "XO."
*Billie Holiday's 1944 recording of this song was the final transmission NASA sent to the Opportunity rover on Mars, in February 2019, after eight months of trying to wake Oppy up following its last communication in June 2018. (Stop it. I am not crying. You're crying. No, sorry, obviously I am crying. And now I came back to edit this, and obviously I am crying again.)
(You can listen to these songs in my playlist for this series, which can be found by searching my username on Spotify.)
EPISODE REFERENCE(S)
16. "Immortality." Original air date: September 27, 2015.
A/N:
Thank you so very much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and are excited for the fluffy good times soon to come! 💕 (I certainly am!) I have (to the best of my knowledge) no more random road trips in my immediate future, so I expect the next chapter should be up mid-week! 💛