Chapter 26: I Feel Your Sigh and Breath.
Stelle woke up with the biggest headache she had ever experienced in her life, curling on herself and clutching on her head as she felt it like it was about to split open from the sheer pain alone.
She opened her eyes and immediately regretted it when she found the light to be too much, squeezing them shut with a pained groan. Clenching her jaw to the point it hurt, she fought the bile rising in her throat and instead focused on her breathing, mentally willing the throbbing in her head to subside.
It took her a long while, a few agonizing minutes of her lying on the bed sweating bullets of cold sweat, but she finally won the fight. With a heavy exhale, Stelle rolled to her back again and tentatively cracked an eye open, finding none of the pain she felt before and opened the other one.
She laid there staring at the unfamiliar ceiling, blurry vision forcing her to blink a couple of times to clear it. Wiping the sweat on her forehead with the back of her hand, she turned her head around to take on her new surroundings.
Only to pause when she saw a head full of pink beside her.
"Ah, you're awake," Bronya began as she stepped into the room. Stelle didn't even hear her enter, too transfixed at the person sleeping next to her.
"Why..." Stelle trailed off and swallowed through her dry throat, eyes never leaving the sleeping pinkette. "Why's March on the bed with me?"
Bronya chuckled quietly, moving to fetch Stelle the water bottle she left on the dresser earlier for this particular situation she had expected to occur. "She's rather adamant with her request of staying the night with you." Helping the younger girl up to sitting position, Bronya then handed the bottle after uncorking the cap to Stelle. "She's concerned, verily so."
Stelle didn't answer right away, partially because the world was still spinning to her vision the only reason she managed to stay sitting was Bronya's hand on her back and because she was mulling on Bronya's words itself through the mud that was her thought.
"... is she okay?"
Bronya hummed, low and gentle as she let go of Stelle to sit on the edge of the bed instead. "Just exhausted."
"Good to know." Trusting herself to not throw up on the first contact of water, Stelle proceeded to take a few gulps down her throat, mild so she wouldn't overload her still churning stomach. "How long was I out?"
"A few hours," Bronya answered with a nod towards the window and Stelle's gaze shifted towards it, seeing the darkness outside. "It's just past midnight."
Stelle handed the half full bottle back to Bronya who subsequently put the cap on before putting it onto the floor. She was about to ask Bronya of their whereabout when another wave of migraine stopped her, making her hiss. "My head's hurt," she groaned in pain as she pressed her palms over her eyes. "What's wrong with me?"
Bronya sighed in sympathy. "You've lost quite the amount of your blood," she began quietly so to not further increase Stelle's suffering by adding noise into it. "I've fixed your leg but your body will still need to recover what's lost."
"Why didn't you replace it, too?" There was no accusation or demand in her tone but it still came out harsher than Stelle intended with the pain clouding her sense. She immediately realized it and apologized through gritted teeth.
"I understand," Bronya said with the same compassion, not bothered a bit. "However, there are orders to things we can't bypass just because it's convenient. Your body is capable of recovering naturally so we'll let it do just that, in fact it's recovering at a rate faster than any normal human's body should."
Bronya rummaged through her pocket then before fishing out a stripe of medicine and popping a pill open for Stelle. "Here, this should help with the pain."
"This is?"
"Paracetamol," Bronya answered curtly, going to hand Stelle back the water only for the younger girl to dry swallow the medicine without much preamble.
"What do you mean my body's recovering faster than normal human's?"
Bronya shrugged lightly at that. "Mister Welt said it has something to do with the Path of Trailblaze, something akin to its ability to shield you from the cold back in Jarilo-VI. It's also the reason you still managed to stay conscious for so long after losing that much blood."
At the mention of blood, Stelle's fingers slipped to beneath the blanket searching for where she got hit earlier on instinct. She knew that Bronya had removed it and that her skin was as flawless as it was before the injury yet she couldn't help but to feel it herself.
"Thanks..." Stelle mumbled, seemingly to nothing that only Bronya could see. Bronya waved her hand dismissively with a small smile to the girl.
"It's nothing,"
Stelle turned towards March when the conversation died down, watching the pinkette sleep so peaceful helped eased up the pain in her head. Or maybe it was the drug Bronya gave her finally kicked in. Regardless, she was glad that her friend was alright after all that.
Words couldn't describe how terrified she was when everything just fell silent following March's defiance in the face of the unforgiving predator that was Kafka. At that time, all she could feel was despair and cold resignation, knowing there should only be one outcome for her and March.
Her knowledge of Kafka's ruthlessness came not from memory but instinct, told by her body instead of mind as the latter had forgotten what it truly entailed. Yet, the chilling shiver that shot up her spine when she heard that sweet voice was unmistakable, a clear sign of her self-preservation screaming at her to run, to get away as far as possible from the impending doom of many unfortunate individuals in the past and future. It was such a simple action from Kafka that made every fiber of her being shake in place and Stelle hated how small it took for the woman to instill fear inside her.
She hated how all she could do was run while March, that March managed to push through that fear based solely on her need to protect someone she cherished, fighting against the biggest fear in her life and emerging victorious when it mattered the most.
"She's strong, isn't she?" Stelle muttered, hardly loud enough for Bronya's superhuman sense to catch. Her golden eyes traced every contour of March's face with adoration clear in them while her fingers ever so softly treaded through those beautiful pink mane. All the while March was blissfully unaware in her deep slumber. "I hope I can be as strong as her."
Bronya didn't answer right away, quiet as she watched Stelle smile when March sighed in her sleep. The girl wasn't talking about physical prowess, that much was obvious considering how strong she was, but rather something deeper, something more meaningful Bronya knew so closely.
"Desperation drives people to fight stronger than they've ever been in their life, cornered as they are like a scared animal, but they're stronger still when they have someone to protect. It's been ingrained in our DNA since time immemorial."
"And March is stronger when she's protecting us."
It wasn't even a question at all. Stelle personally had seen what March was capable of during their fight with Cocolia, seen her massive translucent arrows leaving trails of light in her periphery before they slammed against the Engine of Creation and immobilized it. For the first time ever, Stelle was given a sight of March's protective side and it had been majestic.
Compared to her own drive it hadn't even been a competition with how insignificant hers was it was almost laughable. Despite wielding the bright lance that pierced through the winter that day, March's light outshined everyone's else with the purity of it all alone.
Because March was true to her heart, always had been and always would be. Her memory might be gone but who she was still remained to this day.
Stelle felt like she didn't deserve her company. Disgusted to the point she resented herself for her lack of motivation. She of course cherished everyone on the Express but her reason joining them was never clear, thinking that she might find it one day so she stepped aboard to see the stars and nothing more.
For March, the Express was her home and its Crew were her family. For Stelle, it was merely a place to stay and venture with because Himeko offered her, lost and clueless as she was with memory practically wiped clean.
Funny how all it took was for the very same woman who denied her of said memory scaring her to near death to make her realize that.
"She called herself useless," Stelle began, hand gripping her chest when a painful knot bloomed inside it. "But I think she's the most valuable of us all."
How many times did March drag Stelle and Dan Heng along during their stops to explore the new scenery for her pictures? To find the best restaurants for them to eat together? Or when she just wanted the companies so she could share life the way she viewed it? So bright and vibrant with laughters and smiles? March had always had a unique view on the world, so carefree and cheerful with naught a worry in every of her actions. It was enviable how easygoing she could be despite having her own internal conflicts herself, never letting that doubt to define the March 7th everyone knew and loved.
Looking back, March was the one who kept things interesting, the one who made things fun even if Stelle sometimes found her energy to be too much to match. She was the glue who kept the three of them together and the thought of losing her had filled Stelle with ugly dread.
Because things would never be the same without the one and only March 7th.
"She also thinks of you the same way, of us." Bronya smiled as she put her hand on Stelle's shoulder comfortingly, a warm and genuine smile that pierced through her stone wall of expression like a battering ram. "I know exactly what you're thinking and feeling. This gaping doubt in your chest, a suffocating fear of losing the very thing you didn't realize you've come to cherish."
"You've been through the same, haven't you?" Stelle whispered as she turned to face Bronya, finally successful in wrenching her gaze from March's face.
Bronya studied Stelle's expression for a second, searching those dim amber with a hint of sadness in her own pools of silver. Nodding slowly, she let her hand fall from Stelle's shoulder.
"There was a time when I thought the same of Kiana. Now you see, putting March and Kiana on the same level would be an insult to March so I will refrain from drawing the comparison," Bronya said jokingly and Stelle found herself smirking along the woman. It was quick, though, and Bronya's face returned to its thoughtful state immediately. "When I first met her, we tried to kill each other."
"I remember Mei mentioned it. It was over her, right?" Stelle asked when Bronya fell quiet, appearing deep in her own memory. Her words pulled the older woman from her mulling and she nodded again.
"I was tasked by Matushka Cocolia to bring Mei in by any means necessary. I never asked why. I was never one to question orders in my youth especially ones from Matushka herself." Bronya began slowly, brain recalling that particular day in her life like it was yesterday. She remembered all with avid details, her supercomputer of a brain rarely forgetting things that had happened. "Perhaps, that was my first mistake. I saw my targets as that, targets, rather than a person they were and to me Mei was just another target on the list I needed to take in."
"Kiana was not a part of the variable. She was an anomaly. An unknown in the equation. Just like all deviations I set my eyes on removing her so my mission could carry on smoothly. But I underestimated her and her connection with Mei."
Maybe Bronya should've figured it out the first time they met. A girl like Kiana surviving the disaster stricken city and befriending the very cause of said disaster should've been impossible but impossible was what Kiana fought against every day. Everything went out the window after that fight. The plan, the mission and the objective because Kiana was there.
"At first, I joined them because I wanted to carry on my mission. But Mei's genuine care to me made me realize that for the first time I actually had something that wasn't a mission."
"A family," Stelle muttered for Bronya. "That's what you found, wasn't it?"
A hum. "Funny thing about it is that it comes at the time you least expect it," she gestured loosely towards March, still sleeping so blissfully, before shrugging. "And you don't realize you have it until you lose it."
"Do you think we take things for granted too much?"
Bronya paused as she regarded the question. "I wouldn't say we do. Humans are inherently ignorant to things around us. Mostly because we can only care for so much before it overwhelms us. When you care for something, you'll think about it all the time and with so much to care you'll end up living a life full of fear instead."
"Fear?"
"The fear of losing and the fear of missing. Instead of living in the moment we'll think about the inevitable future," Bronya elaborated. "Life is a series of meetings and goodbyes. Those we have and know will eventually leave us. We never truly have something to begin with. Just us and our feelings."
"Yet those feelings..." Bronya continued in a drawl, tapping her index finger to her chest to accentuate her point. "Are our most prized possession. Our love, our yearning and griefs, are all a part of our life. We may lost coins, but our feelings will be with us for our entire life even if we have nothing else."
Stelle frowned in thought. "Then, by that definition, life is just us trying to fulfill our desires? If so, what does a family signify?"
"Family is those you can share your feelings with without fear of prejudice. Those who're willing to bear the burden of pain and sorrow with you and shield you from what's hurting you in the first place. You understand this even when you don't because right now you're feeling what I meant."
And Stelle, without doubt, agreed to it completely.
Her story began with tragedy. Of a place ravaged by Destruction embodied and deaths. Her past, obscured as it was, was not important as she remembered none of it. As far as she was concerned, March and Dan Heng were the very first people she could call friends, the ones who looked after her back when she woke up still in the midst of her confusion.
They said that bonds created in battles were stronger than bonds connected by blood. Many might claim the opposite, that it was not true, but those who had experienced it would agree without question. They knew not honour nor conviction until they felt the back of someone's pressed against their own, protecting them with all they got knowing the feeling was mutual. Knowing that their thoughts were returned in equal measure.
Stelle was sure she never had siblings, but she's willing to wager that the love and affection she felt for Dan Heng and March were it.
She knew no place in the galaxy where she could fit better than with the two, with the Express and the rest of its Crew.
"Do you know where Kiana is?"
Bronya noticed the change in Stelle's tone and smiled internally, pride filling her chest like the oxygen she inhaled. "I'd suggest you to rest but it seems you have something else in mind."
Stelle nodded distractedly as she gently pulled the blanket off her body only to draped it over March. Looking down at the pinkette now comfortably snuggled in the thick material, she smiled to herself before climbing down the bed.
Her feet were wobbly and she noticed she was wearing a pair of black shorts instead of her skirt. Bronya, who stood up along with Stelle in case her feet decided to give up on her, saw the confused frown on her face and went on to explain.
"Your skirt and coat were drenched in blood it's actually a miracle your shirt is fine. I had to change you in your sleep. Sorry about that."
Stelle shook her head, the whiplash was mild this time. "It's fine. But please tell me they're not beyond saving."
"I've just finished cleaning them so you should be able to wear them again when they're dry. I know how to cleanse blood from clothes," Bronya finished flatly.
Stelle blinked at that but didn't pursue the subject further. Partially because her mind was still reeling from the headache but mostly because Bronya didn't seem like she would want the talk. "Right," she said instead. "So, do you know where Kiana is?" Stelle repeated.
"Outside the hotel. You'll find her in the bench not so far from here."
"Hotel?"
"We're back in the Central Starskiff Haven," Bronya explained, handing Stelle a plain long black pants to wear from the dresser.
"I see..." Stelle trailed off thoughtfully as she put on the pants. It's a close fit but nothing uncomfortable. "And Kafka?"
"The Knights took her in."
Her stomach churned and it took Stelle a second to realize it was concern she was feeling. Even after all that had happened to her and March, her body still reacted negatively at the prospect of Kafka being in trouble. Perhaps, that was the reason she managed to recover so fast when Kafka revealed herself despite the initial shock, that deep down she knew that the woman in purple wouldn't hurt her the way she did to others.
Stelle hated herself for that.
She hated that whatever she and Kafka were, they were close enough for her body to trust her even when her mind did not. A knowledge seeping deep into her DNA, something akin to instinct that had been ingrained to her very core. Worst of all, she hated how it felt right to worry for Kafka as if the Hunter was an old friend in trouble.
That's probably right, isn't it?
The thought surfaced so suddenly Stelle's mind grinded to halt immediately, every cog stopped turning and left those words floating in the proverbial lake that was her consciousness. They drifted there and no matter how hard she tried to drown them back down they stayed up as if to mock her and her predicament.
A friend with Kafka...
Criminal, thief, instigator.
Murderer.
Stelle's breath hitched as a shudder ran down her spine. She tried to suppress it, to hide it from Bronya's ever so watchful eyes but she knew it was futile. Nothing escaped those sharp silver unless their owner let it.
Yet, Bronya didn't comment despite clearly seeing it. Instead, she pretended to not notice by changing the subject entirely.
"If you plan to head out and find Kiana, I suggest you wear something thicker. It's cold outside."
Stelle looked down and pulled on the collar of her plain white shirt. Sure it was simple but it's thick enough to protect her from measly cold, not to mention the Path of Trailblaze itself offered her more than enough protection against the elements. Bronya knew it and Stelle was aware she changed the subject to distract her thought from the downward spiral she's falling into, for Stelle's sake.
"Wait here."
Stelle nodded silently, not trusting her voice to not crack at the moment as Bronya exited the room. She did as told, waiting while trying to calm her raging emotions down into a more manageable ember inside her.
The silence that followed was rather unenjoyable, though.
Thankfully, Bronya returned not long after she was gone. Barely a minute and she went back inside, this time with something in her hand. Something Stelle recognized almost immediately the moment her eyes landed on it.
"Isn't that Kiana's?" She asked, gesturing at the familiar white and orange jacket belonging to the one and only Kaslana in this side of the Universe.
Bronya held it up and nodded before handing it over to Stelle. "She left it in her room so I figure she won't need it soon."
"Don't you ask for her permission?"
"No. She doesn't mind."
Stelle would've been a little more hesitant but it's Bronya. She and Kiana were that close. So, shrugging to herself, Stelle put on the jacket and zipped it all the way up.
"I thought it would be more loose on me," she said, genuinely surprised at the remaining thin space between the jacket and her body. "It's a near fit."
"Kiana's body stopped aging for a few years after she got her power. It's only recently she's growing again." Bronya fixed the jacket's collar for Stelle before she patted the girl on the shoulder affectionately, eyes glimmering with mirth. "Besides, you're a big girl yourself."
Stelle smiled. "Yeah, people say that a lot."
"I'm sure they do. Now, go and find Kiana. I'll look after March."
Stelle nodded again and went for the door. She was about to open it when she paused and in the most sincere tone she could muster she thanked Bronya.
"What for?"
"All of this."
Bronya's response was another smile and for a moment Stelle thought, for a woman who was said to rarely show her emotions she did smile a lot around her.
Night life on the Luofu was, for a lack of better word, otherworldly.
Despite being long past midnight, the streets were still abuzz with people and festive, turning the supposedly time for rest into a lively moment instead. She watched in fascination at the never ending stream of excitement that seemed to flow in the blood of the very people she met along the way, laughing and chatting in the most jovial of fashion.
Drinks were opened and cards were distributed on the table as everyone engaged in themselves, a circle of friends and coworkers unwinding after a long day of work. Some others that preferred the quiet sat on the further tables but the lack of noise didn't mean the lack of contentment as shown in their eyes.
The street lights provided a rather unnecessary illumination as the shops around her were bright enough to cover the streets, colorful in their own lights it was almost like rainbow was painted on the ground. It was just so refreshing, so normal, despite the dangers lurking in the shadows like a malignant tumor.
Dangers the populace could have possibly known.
Or perhaps they did. After all, they'd lived for centuries knowing the risk of mutations lying dormant in their cells. Mutations that could turn on a hair's breadth and ruin everything they had ever accomplished. Maybe that was why they chose to enjoy their lives as they were; joyful instead of cowering under the ever present fear. A fear Stelle failed to recognize until recently.
Her walk was short but to her it felt almost like an eternity with her thoughts preoccupied as they were. She spotted Kiana on exactly where Bronya told her not far down the street, somewhere more secluded but not obscure to the eyes if one were to look. What she didn't expect, however, was the sight of Kiana lying on the bench with her head resting on an armrest while her legs were propped on the other, a half empty pack of beer down on the floor with a generous amount of empty cans scattered about it, and an opened one in her hand resting over her stomach.
She also had her free arm draped over her eyes as she laid there on her back.
"What are you doing?" Stelle began, an eyebrow raised in disbelief at the state she found the Kaslana in.
"Chilling," Kiana answered simply, still not moving a muscle.
"Please don't tell me you're drunk."
"I'm not. I can't get drunk." Finally moving the arm covering her eyes, she gave Stelle a once over before kicking her feet sideway to sit up on the bench with a groan. She fished a can out from the pack and passed it over to Stelle. "Besides, they're non-alcoholic. I don't like alcoholic drinks."
Stelle caught the can easily with one hand and turned it over. Sure enough, the label said it had zero content of alcohol. "Must've been nice," she commented as she cracked it open with a shrug before sliding down to sit beside Kiana.
"I was just admiring the view, too." Kiana gestured with her head to the sky above them and Stelle followed her gaze.
"Woah..."
"Pretty, right?"
Stelle could only nod, too mesmerized by the assortment of colors high in the sky to answer. They shifted and drifted like oil on water surface, blending and separating with and from one another to create these incredible hues that lit up the star full sky.
An aurora.
"You know, Mei once gifted me that for my birthday," Kiana continued casually, a small but no less loving smile on her lips as she joined Stelle in enjoying the sight. "An aurora so bright it's visible from the Moon."
She would never forget that day when her family called her to wish her happy birthday only for Mei to give her the best gift she had ever received in her life. Although life had been lonely in the earlier years of her time on the Moon, Mei made it like she had never left the Earth behind, celebrating her birthday by gathering everyone despite life keeping them busy. Even her father was there along with her sister and Kiana was once again reminded that she chose right as she gazed at those beautiful amethysts through the screen of her laptop.
Sometimes, she felt like she didn't deserve the overflowing love Mei had reserved only for her. It didn't feel right for that much love to be given to a single woman alone. But Mei, the beautiful and kind Mei told her it was only exist because of her and nobody deserved it more than her. For everything she had done to preserve that love, to cherish that love and to receive that love when everyone else turned their backs on it.
In the past, Kiana saw a girl whose kindness and love were wronged by prejudices and it hurt her so much so she took them in her open arms just so that girl could have someone to love. Now, when everything was said and done and that girl's love and kindness had grown along with the girl, turning into a beautiful thing that eclipsed the beautiful world itself, she couldn't help but think how lucky she was.
And in my heart, you're the most special part of all the beautiful things in the world.
"It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," she finished, a single roll of tear falling down her cheek before disappearing from view. She had no doubt that Mei was feeling the overwhelming love she felt for her at the moment, connected as they were by the hearts, and her smile widened even further at the prospect.
Stelle glanced at the Kaslana through the corner of her eye and hummed, seeing the big, dopey smile Kiana had at the moment. "It must be nice."
"Hm?"
Stelle took a sip of her beer. "To be surrounded by people who love you unconditionally like that."
"It is," Kiana affirmed with a smile. "Every day I am reminded of how lucky I am to wake up with someone I love so dearly beside me and a family waiting for me. It's invaluable and I will never trade them for anything else."
"Not even for your power?"
Kiana's answer was immediate. "Especially for this power."
"You know, people would kill and sell their soul just to get even a fraction of what you have."
"Uh-huh."
"And you don't even want it?"
"Nope."
"Ever?"
"Ever."
"Why?"
Kiana paused at that, putting her now empty can down amongst its brethren on the floor, and stretched the kinks off her joints. The bench was comfortable but it was still made of stone and equally hard on her back and neck.
She took another can and unceremoniously cracked it open, sipping lightly at the cool liquid inside.
"With great power comes great consequence," she began softly. "And my powers are meant to protect those I cherish. This... is a gift from everyone, made possible by their helps and beliefs that I would succeed on my endeavor. Without them, I am nobody so it's only fitting if I use my powers to protect them."
"I just want to live my life surrounded by those I love, that's all." Kiana sighed deeply and for a moment she simply looked... tired, as she slumped down onto her back.
"You know, that thing has been with me through most of it."
Stelle blinked, confused at the sudden shift in Kiana's tone.
"Huh?"
"That jacket," Kiana clarified with a nod towards her, more specifically the white and orange jacket she's wearing. "It's been with me for over a decade now and went through just as much tears and patches I did."
Stelle looked down towards herself, suddenly aware of the weight of the jacket on her body. She had completely forgotten about it, too comfortable to notice its presence. "Sorry," she said as she moved to unzip it. "I should've asked for your permission before wearing it."
Kiana's hand gently stopped her, squeezed lightly around Stelle's own currently holding the zipper halfway down. "No, it's fine. You wear it." She tugged on Stelle's hand and pulled the zipper back up, grinning at the younger girl when Stelle was about to protest. "I was just saying that this thing... it's been with me at my lowest lows, too."
Her hand moved to her shoulder then, patting it gently and adoringly. "It shielded me from the cold reality when I had nothing else, giving me warmth when the fire was extinguished forever. It has witnessed our failures and triumphs, seen our deepest angst and happiness, and it is still here to this day. I'd like to think that it is meant for you to wear right now so you can take comfort the way I did from it."
"And besides," she went on, this time with a cheeky grin on her face. "You look good in that. Not as good as me, obviously, but good enough."
Stelle, who had been listening intently, scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Seriously?"
"There's certain charms only older women have and you're not it. Not yet."
"Well, for a woman who claims to be old you sure act like a kid," Stelle jabbed back and Kiana made a show as if Stelle had stabbed her in the chest.
"Come on, man, that's uncalled for!"
"Sure was."
Kiana pouted playfully before it turned into a full blown grin and laugh. Stelle found herself laughing along soon, long since accepted the fact that Kiana's joy was infectious in the most extreme degree possible. In a way, it was rather endearing to see a woman her age still able to laugh so carefree. Almost as if nothing in the Universe could stop her from enjoying life as it was.
Eventually, though, their laughter died down and silence once again befell upon them. The duo sat there, basking in the soft twinkling light of the stars and ever shifting colors of the aurora above.
A breeze that started from nowhere washed over them and Stelle relaxed at its gentle caress, cool and comforting as if to take all the worries from her muscles and bones. She let her mind wander to nothing in particular, simply enjoying the moment of peace the Universe granted them as her golden eyes lazily stared at the stars.
"I like this," she mumbled to the wind, letting it carry the sincerity in her tone to everywhere it went to. Perhaps, it would reach a kindred spirit somewhere. Someone, anyone, other than the Kaslana beside her.
"Yeah?"
Stelle nodded, realizing Kiana couldn't see the motion as she too was busy admiring the night sky, and answered verbally instead. "Yeah." She ran a hand over her long grey hair and closed her eyes, the lingering coolness of the beer can she held providing a near therapeutic feeling to the dull pounding in her head. "I never had anywhere else to go, you know."
"Really, now?"
"Well, there was always an option of becoming Herta's lab rat but that doesn't count, does it?" Stelle said sarcastically with a roll of her eyes. "I mean, she's not a bad person but I feel like the only reason she likes me is because of the Stellaron inside my body."
Like, was actually pretty generous when it came to their relationships. While Herta herself never explicitly told Stelle she disliked her, she never said she liked her either. Hell, Stelle was yet to meet the actual Herta and that was saying something.
"When March and Dan Heng found me the first time, they thought I was one of the workers there. I had just woken up from whatever Kafka did to me so I was too confused to deny their assumption." She laughed then, mirthless and bitter. "At least, that's what I told myself. Truth is, I was too scared to tell them that I wasn't supposed to be there. I did not belong there."
"I remember Kafka was the one who put me there, the one who put the Stellaron inside me, along with another face I've just found out to be none other than Silver Wolf. She said that I'd forget about her, about everything like a blank slate, but I keep getting these... flashes of her in my dreams and only her."
"Maybe she failed doing whatever she did to you?" Kiana suggested softly, blue eyes now directed at the teenager next to her. She watched with sympathy at the clear frustration in Stelle's golden eyes, twinkling like the stars above.
"She doesn't fail. I don't know how but I know." There's so much certainty in those words alone that Kiana couldn't help but to believe her. "So, she either left those imprints in my head deliberately, or the effects of what she did to me is disappearing."
The last one didn't sound as convincing even to Stelle herself because if it was somehow true, then she would remember many other things that wasn't just Kafka. She hardly recognized Silver Wolf back in the Station and she was there when Kafka left her.
So, it was just Kafka. The illusive ghost of her past that kept haunting her dreams and reminding her of the bygone days. No matter how hard she tried to distract herself, no matter how long she'd stare at something that's marginally interesting in her journey, she would always see flashes of purple in her periphery that sent her reeling inside.
Kiana watched with sad eyes as Stelle folded forward, hand coming to clutch on her hair and pull just to feel something that wasn't despair and uncertainty. She knew that feeling precisely, the doubt to one's self that mingled with confusion and anger at the world itself. Wide and gaping like an insatiable pit, ready to devour everything.
She knew because she'd experienced it back in Arc City when her past she didn't even know came to haunt her waking hours, whispering terrible and mocking words to her obliviousness.
"She said to me..." Stelle began, voice shaky on the verge of breaking down and slightly muffled from her position, as she pulled hard on her hair to feel the burn in her scalp amidst the pounding in her ears. "She and I used to work together for a common goal. Can you believe it? She and I would commit crimes for God knows what, plundering and stealing and killing! Always the killing in cold blood like she did to those Knights as if they were no more than bugs! Why would she do that?! Why would I do that?! Mâmaybe all of this is a mistake, after all. Maybe I shouldn't be here with kind people such as everyone. What if they use me to hurt you? Or March, or Dan Heng or everyone. Anyone?"
Kiana wordlessly rested a hand on Stelle's back when the girl began to sob quietly, patting and drawing comforting circles on Schicksal's symbol emblazoned on it. Her heart ached in her chest at the noise Stelle made because it was all too familiar to her ears.
She, like Mei, wished for nothing but for kids to live a life full of happiness. They knew how it felt to be forced to taste the bitter world and the harsh reality of adulthood before the supposed time, how it felt for that moment of blissful ignorance to be ripped from them so brutally and suddenly.
It was impossible, she knew, but she'd try anyway.
"I've been through a lot, but in the grand scheme of the Universe my pain and sufferings are insignificant." Kiana sighed sadly, her hand moving to Stelle's head and gently pried the fingers fisting her lock open. She proceeded to stroke it back into place, easing up the lingering pain from Stelle's own action earlier. "But that doesn't mean it's insignificant to me or anyone near me."
"I was created for a purpose," she continued as she pulled Stelle close to her side, holding the girl into a half embrace and smiling when Stelle rested her head on her shoulder. "A purpose I never wanted to be. For a while after I learned the truth, I was lost and despondent to it. I kept thinking of my existence and the reason of it. Had my destiny really been written from the moment I exist and that I was hopeless to change it? Was fate so cruel as to let me be the worst of myself? If so, why did I need and feel love to those around me? Especially if I were meant to hurt them in the end?"
"There was a time when I thought that I was a mistake, a time where I feared my past would end up hurting those I held dear. I could never escape it as it was a part of myself, it's simply impossible, so you know what I did?"
"What?"
Kiana's grip on Stelle's arm tightened a bit and the next words that came out of the Kaslana's mouth was probably the most horrifying things she'd ever heard someone say.
"I tried to kill myself." The sharp exhale Stelle let out didn't go unnoticed by Kiana who proceeded to hum and nod noncommittally. "I thought that, if I were to remove myself, then I wouldn't be able to hurt my family anymore. But that way of thinking is just wrong."
"Those dear to me also think the same way of me. I love them and they love me. Their sacrifices are meant so I can carry on forward, to live and love along with them. I am precious to them and they are precious to me so if I were to die, it would be the biggest pain I could inflict on them instead of whatever my past might bring forth."
"Love goes both ways," Stelle mumbled in realization. The three of them said that a lot but the deep implications of it never really reached her.
Kiana smiled. "It does and you know this. You love March and she loves you just as much, that's why you both were so selfless in your actions to protect each other. Simply because deep down you know you're precious to each other, now. It happens subconsciously, you know? You never really think about it. Before you know it, your body will move in harm's way so you can protect those dear to you."
Kiana took one long sip of her beer and sighed. "So, I don't believe that you would do something that might hurt us."
Stelle craned her neck to look at Kiana, looking into those bright blue eyes and searching for any sign of deceit. Yet all she found was surety and warmth, glimmering among the myriad of colors of the world itself.
"How can you be so sure?" She whispered, small and frightful to something she didn't even know yet; her future. "How can you believe in me so much?"
"Because someone believed in me before." Her answer was simple and short, almost casual even, in the truest fashion of the Kaslana. "Sometimes, that is all it needs. Sometimes, having someone there who trusts you unconditionally is all it takes for you to break off of your predetermined path. So, I choose to believe in you. When the world itself is against you, when you have to inevitably face your own destiny, I will believe in you to pull through. Most importantly, I believe you'll stay true to yourself despite whatever will become of you then."
"Because you are kind and caring so you deserve just as much. Do you truly want to hurt us?"
Stelle immediately shook her head. "No. I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than to hurt you, or March or anyone else for that matter."
"Then, there goes your answer," Kiana quipped lightheartedly, tone taking a more positive turn as she flashed Stelle her signature grin. "Your past does not define you. You've forgotten it so why agonize over it now when you can start over? You and Kafka might've been friends but does it really matter now?"
Does it really matter?
The question echoed in Stelle's head as she mulled over it. A huge part of her knew Kiana was right, that whatever she was, was not important to her present. It might be in the future, but that didn't define who she was today. Didn't define the Stelle who wanted nothing but to protect those around her.
"People change," Kiana continued when Stelle stayed silent. "It comes with being alive and growing up. Nobody is an exception to it. Not even you."
Stelle inhaled deeply and closed her eyes, focusing on the soft warmth wrapped around her courtesy of the Kaslana. It wasn't just physical as she also felt the same trickle deep in her chest, prominent enough to rival the always present heat of the Stellaron inside her.
She knew she was right to choose Kiana. The woman next to her might be a goofball but she was also wise and very understanding, seeming to have every answer to every life's problem. She probably did. Otherwise, she wouldn't be the woman she was today, always guiding and helping to pave the paths of many who'd lost in the dark veil of destiny.
She had long become the fire that lit up the future and it would only be fitting if she were to share the light and warmth with those around her, especially the uncertain teenagers, she'd thought.
As much as Stelle wanted to bask in the comforting presence Kiana offered to her, she still had something to ask of the woman. Something she'd decided to learn no matter how difficult it would be to learn so she could be stronger and protect her friends, so she could face her past without trembling on her feet like a pathetic little mutt in the rain.
Because she knew her past would come to confront her one day and that day was only coming closer by the seconds, imminent and real.
"Can you teach me the Edge of Taixuan?"
The hand caressing her head stopped mid stroke and Stelle looked up to see Kiana's expression through half lidded eyes. Her body was tired but her spirit was still burning with energy which made it weird to Stelle.
"That depends..." Kiana drawled, an eyebrow raised as she met Stelle's gaze. "Will you see the training through?"
Kiana didn't even ask why because she knew the answer to that unspoken question and Stelle realized this as she stared at those intriguing blue eyes that seemed to always shine with life no matter what. Because Kiana had put her faith in Stelle.
"I was told it's rather gruelling."
Kiana hummed as she resumed her stroking. "It is."
"And that only four people know it at current time?"
"Yep."
"But I wouldn't know until I try it, right?"
Kiana's proud smile would forever be imprinted in Stelle's memory. "Hell yeah."
"So, is that a yes or no?"
"I mean, you want to learn it so I will teach you." Kiana's expression shifted slightly, a fleeting shadow of firmness passing through those eyes and stayed as she spoke next. "But, I'll have to inform you that you're not the first one to ask me this, and that nobody has ever truly succeeded learning it."
"That's fine," Stelle said resolutely. "I'm not a nobody."
The look disappeared and Kiana's smile returned at full force. "Atta girl. That's the confidence."
"When are we going to start?"
Kiana gave her a once over before she replied. "Now would be good."
Stelle blinked, forcing herself to sober up. She was about to wiggle off Kiana's half embrace when the Kaslana stopped her by tightening the hold. "Okay... where?" She asked, confused.
"Here would be fine."
"You're not suggesting we train to use a mass destruction technique in a crowded place like this, right?"
"No, what do you think am I? Crazy?"
Stelle was about to argue that some of Kiana's conducts in the past were borderline that, but before she could open her mouth to shoot the words the sight of Kiana's open palm being held horizontally in front of her stopped her to silence.
"What did Welt tell you about Edge of Taixuan?" Kiana asked as an ethereal red and white feather began to form over said palm. It was glowing with bright light, enough to illuminate them both, and Stelle had to blink the sudden fixation she felt towards it.
Something in her mind felt like it was being tugged by it, pulled and sucked gently until she felt like she was going to fall asleep from staring at it alone.
"It's, uh..." she drawled, drowsy and slow which only spurred her on to further snuggle on Kiana's comforting warmth. "It's a Honkai sword technique... or something. Powerful stuff."
"Powerful stuff," Kiana chuckled, the sound sending a pleasant rumble to Stelle. "Well, you're not wrong but I think the most prominent part of it is the discipline it requires and instills to its learner."
"Why so?"
"It's the hardest part of it. Many give up halfway because it's just that demanding."
"Well, if you can then I'm sure I can too," Stelle said jokingly through the haze in her mind. She had expected Kiana to respond to her jab similarly so she was surprised when Kiana replied in the most solemn tone she'd heard from the woman that night.
"I have a very amazing friend to thank for that. Her patience is the reason I could learn it in the first place." She bounced back really quick, though, something Stelle had learned the Kaslana was good at. "So now, it's my turn to teach you."
Stelle yawned and closed her eyes yet somehow she still could see the feather behind her eyelids. "Why am I so sleepy all of sudden?" She asked in a mixture of confusion and apprehension. She trusted Kiana and had no doubt whatever was happening to her was her doing but at the same time it was so odd she couldn't help the unease in her chest.
"I'm putting you to sleep," Kiana answered frankly.
"I thought you're going to train me...?"
"In your dream and I meant literally, so just sit back and relax," Kiana urged tenderly and Stelle did as told, letting herself slip even further into the waiting slumber. "When you open your eyes again, I'll be there waiting for you."
Not having the will nor strength to answer, Stelle nodded slightly. If it weren't for the fact her head still rest on Kiana's shoulder the motion would go unnoticed entirely. But Kiana felt it, if not for the nod then the way her breathing slowed down until it evened out.
Without warning, she closed her palm and the feather disappeared in her fist along with the termination of her Sentience Authority, cutting the flow of Honkai Energy from within her. The feather was a recreation of Fenghuang Down, conjured together by her Reason Authority to help her control Stelle's consciousness and put her into a sleep she designed.
Stelle should be meeting her dream version right now, a miniscule fraction of Kiana's own mind that was her entirely. It wouldn't be different than her so she should know what to do with Stelle and where to continue henceforth.
All the while Stelle's body was left in the waking world, cared by the real Kiana who pulled the girl closer and held her there as if to shield her against the cold night. She would need to move and put Stelle in her bed so she could get a proper rest, but for now she wanted to be a little selfish with her affection to the girl.
"You are destined for greatness," Kiana muttered, resting her head on Stelle's crown and closing her eyes. A bitter smile settled on her lips as she took a shuddering breath. "But you will also encounter many hardships in your journey. If anything, the pain and suffering you will witness and face will only mount up from now on."
"You won't have a choice but to forge on ahead, walking through the thorns that will only slow you down and hurt you. You will see the injustice and unfairness begotten upon those around you and fight to break them free. You will be tricked, fooled and ridiculed and taken advantage of for your kindness. It will never end even when this journey's reached its final destination."
"Your destiny stretches further ahead still, to a place only you can reach. Only then you will find your happiness and only then you'll make peace with your past."
"But I believe you'll succeed even if nobody else does despite all that you will encounter. Do you know why?"
Stelle could hear none of it, too deep in her dream to catch even a bit of Kiana's heart. But that's fine, Kiana thought with a genuine and warm smile. Stelle didn't need to hear it to understand. She needed to feel and experience it.
"Because you are Kiana Kaslana's student."
TBC.
I do cross post this fic to AO3 but nowhere else. I don't want to post on too many sites as it can be such a hassle to do, so if you find this fic somewhere not FF and AO3, then it's not me.