Dolores Umbridge is only a fractional example of the stress under which today's educators work. This work of fanfiction is based on the true events that happened to my teacher friends. As I listened to their stories, I wondered how the staff at Hogwarts would handle such situations.
Not only do I not own the world of Harry Potter, but I also changed the story line to suit me. This little satire is dedicated to all my teacher friends.
Educational Decrees Ad Nauseum
CHAPTER 8 - "Be careful what you wish for—you just might get it."Oscar Wilde
April 1996
"Where's the Toad?" asked Charity Burbage. She craned her neck to look around the quidditch pitch as she stepped out from between the bleachers. "Not that I'm missing her," she added quickly. "It's just that I'm ready to get this bloody meeting over."
"Apparently," Rolanda Hooch replied with a wicked gleam in her eye, "she's running late, tied up with yet another round of parent conferences. This time it was Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy who were reading her the riot act when I came down to breakfast."
"Serves her right," Charity stated firmly. "Imagine being so stupid as to suspend the only two Slytherins on staff at the same time!"
"Everyone knows those little monsters are only half tolerable because Severus is Head of House," Irma Pince added. "Aurora doesn't care what they do as long as they don't inconvenience her." She paused. "What were the Malfoys complaining about this time?"
"What do you think?" Rolanda countered. "They are still angry about the party."
"Party?" asked Irma. "What party?"
"Irma, you have got to get out of the library!" Charity told her friend as she rolled her eyes. "Now, what do you imagine they did when they learned their Head of House would be gone for a week? They threw a helluva party! Smuggled in booze hidden in shampoo bottles! Umbridge, the only Slytherin on duty at the time, didn't know a thing until Poppy got her up in the middle of the night to help nurse sick kids."
"Those who weren't throwing up were passed out all over the common room," Hooch told them. "Seems a couple of shampoo bottles weren't washed out beforehand." She laughed. "And Malfoy, of course, whined when he was caught, told his parents he didn't know he was drinking alcohol."
"And they believed him?" Irma questioned skeptically. "They believed their darling, little boy was so stupid that he drank from a shampoo bottle without question?"
"Now, Irma," Charity remarked sarcastically, "you know young Mr. Malfoy can do no wrong. It was everyone else's fault!"
Hooch added, "Now, Malfoy is threatening to sue Umbridge personally. He claims, and rightly so, that this never would have happened if Dolores hadn't suspended Snape and Sinistra at the same time."
"Oh, my stars!" cackled Irma. "That is hysterical! And it gives me a great idea!" Picking up a stone, she quickly transfigured it into a flask and tucked it into her sleeve.
"Oh, it gets even better!" Hooch exclaimed. "Narcissa was completely distraught at the thought of her precious boy being bullied into drinking alcohol at his tender age –" She paused to affect the attitude and tone of Mrs. Malfoy. " – I just know this would never have occurred under the watchful and caring eye of dear Severus, who was so unjustly suspended – " Hooch broke off with a snort. "Lucius has insisted both Snape and Sinistra received their back pay. So basically, they just got a week's paid vacation!"
"What about Minerva?" asked Charity. "Shouldn't she get her pay reinstated, too?"
"Don't you worry about Minerva," Irma told them. "I was in Ravenclaw with her brother Robert. He practices law now, and I can assure you that when Robert McGonagall is finished, Minerva will not only collect backpay, but she'll also be award a substantial amount for damages done to her professional reputation."
The three witches broke out in merry peals of laughter. When they had wiped the tears of laughter from their eyes and caught their breath, Hooch glanced at Burbage, furrowed her brown, and snorted. "No offense, Charity," she asked, "but what the hell are you wearing?"
"This?" Burbage pressed her hands down along the sides of her double-knit bell-bottom jumpsuit. "I think the pink and green plaid rather suits me, don't you?" She laughed.
"It might have done around 1972," Irma Pince told her.
"And, Irma, you certainly make a statement with that outfit," Hooch said slowly. She stuffed her hands into the orange coveralls she was wearing. "I thought the old Toad said to dress comfortably," she added. "So why the blue formal dress robes?"
"Like them?" Irma asked with a laugh. "They're real velvet. As to why, well, Umbridge said we were having an 'icebreaker' and to wear something appropriate." She waved away her friends' next words. "Of course, we know what Dolores meant, but we Ravenclaws took her at her literal word and are dressing for a cocktail party just to irritate the Toad. It's Filius' idea." She twirled herself and her robes flared out around her. "Anyway, I have to admit I rather like them."
"Miss anything?" Bathsheda Babbling muttered around the cigarette dangling from her lips, as she joined them on the field.
"Sweet Merlin," Charity Burbage said, "but I'm impressed. You're wearing your bathrobe."
"Sorry, but you didn't miss a thing," answered a bemused Hooch.
"Damn," Babbling growled. She took a long drag on her cigarette, shook off the extra ash, and reached up carefully to scratch her scalp between two enormous hair rollers. "Was hoping I missed the whole thing. Slept late on purpose. Serves Dolores right for scheduling this meeting on a Saturday morning."
"For the record," her friend, Pince, told her, "you look horrible in that get-up. The only thing missing is that hideous green night-cream you wear."
"Sweet grandmother of nightmares," drawled Severus Snape as he entered the field. Slowly he circled Professor Babbling. "Tell me you're wearing your nightgown underneath that. Never mind, I don't want to know." He shook his head and shivered dramatically.
An unrepentant Bathsheda grinned. "Toad said to dress comfortably, so here I am." She dropped her cigarette and ground it out with the toe of her house slipper.
"I know you didn't just drop that cigarette butt on my quidditch field!" exclaimed Hooch.
"Relax, Rolanda," Bathsheda said gently. She cast a rapid succession of gemino spells, multiplying the butt on the ground by several dozen. "I'm just setting the stage for our fake fight." Placing her hand over her heart, she added solemnly, "I promise I'll pick it up."
"Ah!" Rolanda caught on quickly. "Say, why're you wearing your teaching robes, Snape? Old Toad said we were supposed to dress comfortably."
"I am dressed comfortably," Snape declared. Then with a snort and flick of his wand, he was clad in old black boots, black jeans, black leather jacket, and a long-sleeved Rolling Stones t-shirt. "Roundhay Park, Leeds," he stated with the tiniest trace of pride.
"I've rolled some stones meself," Hagrid said as he joined them. "Make good garden fencing, better than wood." He looked over to his companion and asked her, "You sure I look all right, P'fessor? I mean, you're all dressed up in – what's that called again?"
"Please call me Septima, Rubeus," she replied. "It's a cocktail dress." She held out her arms showing off her new pale blue dress with matching jewelry. "And you look fine in your gardening work clothes."
"Yeah," he replied slowly, "but maybe I shoulda cleaned up, you know? Been working in the compost heap before sunup this morning, and I smell a mite -"
"But that's good, Rubeus," Septima assured him. "Just stand as close to Umbridge as you can."
"Here come Filius and Pomona," Hooch announced. She smiled. "Filius never fails to disappoint. Look at that outfit!"
Pinstripe suit, crisp white button-down, Ravenclaw blue waistcoat and tie, shiny leather dress shoes – right down to the gold pocket watch and chain – Filius Flitwick knew how to cut an impressive figure. "Good morning," he greeted his coworkers. "I see our plan is coming together well."
Pomona Sprout carried an over-stuffed tote bulging with papers and set it onto the bottom row of bleachers. Then, pulling her wand from the pocket of her long skirt, she cast a series of spells on the bag. "There," she announced with a grin, "what was once a bag full of hell forms weighing a mere five pounds now weighs around five hundred. Toad wanted paperwork. Toad's got paperwork."
"You didn't really do all that work, did you, Pomona?" asked Septima. "I thought we all agreed to – "
"Don't worry," Pomona said. "Everything is completely wrong, I promise you. I had Vincent Crabbe do it for his detention."
"Isn't it inappropriate allowing a student see the grades of - " Snape began to say, but he stopped, the right side of his top lip curling up in smile. "Does your shirt really say 'I'm a Hoe-er!' ?"
Pomona chuckled hardily. "Yes, it does, and as for Mr. Crabbe – he's doesn't remember his own grades much less anyone else's."
"Well, would you look at that!" Flitwick cried excitedly.
Everyone turned to watch a tall, kilted figure march with marital swagger across the field towards them. Her dark hair hung in a long braid down her back, and her face was painted in blue stripes of woad.
"The only thing missing is a shield and battle-axe," Hooch said softly. Pure awe suffused her voice.
"I believe the 'battle-axe' is marching towards us," Snape drawled sarcastically.
"I heard that, young man," Minerva told him. "For the record, I left the shield and claymore in my rooms, but I can get them if I need them." She gave him a pointed glare before glancing around. "Where's everyone else?"
"We're here," Aurora Sinistra announced as she joined the group. Her green caftan, embroidered with silver serpents, swirled around her ankles. It matched her feathered turban perfectly. "Through here, Sybil," she added as she pulled the Divination teacher into the group.
"I feel naked," Sybil Trelawney moaned as she stepped nervously forward. She pulled desperately at her short, pink boucle skirt, trying to make it cover her knees. "I think I should change." She pulled out her wand and whirled it in an arc over her head. Her erratic movements nearly toppled her pillbox hat.
Aurora Sinistra grasped Sybil's wand in mid-flair. "You will do no such thing! You look lovely." Again, she pulled the reluctant Divination teacher onto the field. "Tell her how pretty she looks," she ordered the crowd.
Newly arrived, Sirius Black gave a long wolf-whistle. "Wowzer!" he exclaimed. "You're almost as gorgeous as Septima." He grinned at Septima Vector.
"Honestly, Sybil," Septima added, "you look like Jackie Kennedy." She reached up to readjust Sybil's hat. "Who helped you dress?"
"L-L-Lavender Brown," Trelawney answered shyly. She touched her smooth, and elegantly up-swept hair with her pink-tipped nails. "She – the girl has the Inner Eye there's no doubt! - and Parvati Patel – that girl's e-equally gifted. They were very helpful, yes. Delighted even. When, when, when I asked them to spiff me up."
"Where have you been, Black?" sniped Snape. "You're late."
"I'm here before Umbridge," Sirius replied. He favored Snape with a charmingly smug smile and shot the sleeves of his business suit. "Let's just say I've been busy this week," he added as he tucked in his novelty t-shirt.
"Good morning!" Umbridge brayed at the top of her lungs as she approached them. She looked like a baby hippo in her Pepto-Bismal pink sweatpants, sparkly sweatshirt, and matching sweat bands. "Are we all ready to – " She stopped short as she took in their appearances. "I thought I told you all to wear something comfortable."
"Thank you for that, Dolores," Bathsheda Babbling gushed with seeming sincerity. She flipped another cigarette butt onto the growing pile, crushed it out, and lit up another. "You don't know what a relief it is to be able to just relax –"
"Hey!" shouted Hooch. "I've already told you not to drop your butts on the field! You're gonna have to clean that up, and –"
Toe to toe, the two friends fell into a mock argument. Like trained ballet dancers, they circled one another, yelled, pointed, and accused. The chaos seemed at first like sweet music to Umbridge's ears, but it soon reached a screeching climax that splintered her nerves.
"Quiet!" Dolores shouted over the din. "I will have order!" She blinked rapidly and surveyed the two combatants. "Professor Babbling, you are decidedly inappropriately dressed."
"You got a problem with the way I'm dressed?" Bathsheda asked in shocked tones. "I don't understand." She threw down another cigarette and thrust her hands on her hips. "You specifically told us – "
"Oi!" shouted Hooch. "I told you not to drop any more cigs on my field!"
Umbridge threw out her hand, stilling their rising argument. "Yes, well," she conceded, "it might be partly – a very miniscule part- my fault for saying to dress 'comfortably,' but a grown woman should know better. You'll simply have to go change clothes. You can clean the field when you return."
Having turned her back on the dismissed Ancient Runes teacher, Umbridge added, "Now, before we begin, I'd like to check on the status of your H. E. L. L. forms. Have you all finished them?"
"Oh, hell!" shouted Pomona Sprout. She ran forward, grabbed Dolores by the arm, dragged her towards the bleachers, and pointed to the colossal bag. "There are all the hell forms, Dolores. I wasn't sure how to complete mine, so I used my dear colleague's forms as examples." She squeezed a few tears out. "They were so good to help me in my time of confusion and distress. Anyway, all the forms are finished and ready for your professional touch. I know I thought they were a waste of time and more than a nuisance, but once I got the hang of them – Well, I understand, now, just how beneficial and important they are." She stepped directly in front of Umbridge, her eyes brimming with tears in her eyes. "You were right, so right. I should have never doubted you."
"Merlin's beard! She should earn a BAFTA for that performance," Filius muttered.
This wasn't in Dolores' plan, this utter capitulation. The staff had actually done it! They had completed the forms, and now she'd be forced to read them. Umbridge frowned, desperately trying to find something to complain about. That's when she saw Pomona's shirt. "That-That-That shirt!" she shrieked. "How dare a teacher, a role model, the very Head of Hufflepuff engage in such disgusting behavior and then to announce it openly and brazenly brag about it!" She shoved Sprout away.
"What?" Pomona asked. "My shirt? Why it just says I like to –"
"Hoe!" screamed Umbridge. She inhaled, swelling up in amphibian indignation. "You are aware, are you not, that your contract has a morals clause?" She barked out the question. "You are hereby on suspension pending a tribunal of dismissal. Leave. Now."
"All right," Pomona replied, making her bottom lip quiver. "I don't understand what I did wrong." She wrung her hands pitifully, and a few tears fell from her eyes. Then, turning, she grinned and waved at her colleagues as she left the quidditch field.
Having missed Sprout's triumphant exit, Umbridge turned back to her captive audience. "Burbarge, I'm appointing you temporary Head of Hufflepuff. It'll become permanent once Sprout has been sacked," Umbridge announced. "Now, I'd like Team Hufflepuff to form a line to my left."
"Well, I guess that's just me," Charity remarked.
"Come along, Irma, Septima, Sybil, we'll take Team Ravenclaw over here," Filius Flitwick announced. As he swaggered forward in his pristine suit, his shoes caught the sunlight and gleamed.
Umbridge frowned. "Hagrid, please join Professor Hooch and McGonagall in Team Gryf -" She paused, hands on hips, watching as the trio of gathered. "Minerva, the war paint is not appreciated. Please remove it. Black, please stop flirting with Vector this instant and join your – What is that on your shirt?"
Sirius, dressed like a London banker, sauntered forward. "Oh, you mean my shirt?" He smiled charmingly. "The latest fashion in London – a bespoke suit with a novelty t-shirt." He smoothed down the shirt. "This is a Scottish deerhound. Do you like dogs, Dolores?"
"I most certainly do not like dogs, especially that dog of yours!" She pointed to the deerhound on his chest. "That beast has destroyed my office. He left disgusting wads of fur everywhere! And, he chewed all the completed P.I.S.S. and C.R.A.P evaluation forms, and now I'll have to re-do everyone's end-of-year evaluations. And, then that dog - he, he –" She blushed an awful shade of mauve. "He urinated on everyone's lesson plans."
"Sorry to hear that, Dolores, but I don't have a dog," he replied mildly. He smiled at the look of utter confusion on Umbridge's face. He assumed a worried frown and gently took her elbow. "Are you sure it was a dog? I mean, did you actually see it with your own eyes."
"No," she admitted, "but what else could have done such damage, and left fur like that?"
"Coulda been a wolf," Rubeus told her. Remembering what he was supposed to do, he moved as close to her as he dared.
"A wolf?" Umbridge asked. "Inside Hogwarts?" Her voice quavered with a touch of fear. She sniffed and coughed, as she stepped away from the half-giant. Then gathering her courage, she snorted. "Nonsense! It was a dog."
Hagrid shook his head. "Couldna been a dog." He took a step closer to her, raised his arm so that she faced his armpit, and scratched the top of his head. "Hasn't been a dog 'round here since '78. No, not a dog. I'd wager it's a wolf alright."
"It's the Grim!" Trelawney exploded, her voice quaking with terror. "You're in grave danger. The Inner Eye tells me that the Grim has chosen you! He's marked you as his territory." She flapped her arms in wild circles before Umbridge causing her pearls to clatter alarmingly.
Grabbing a stunned Umbridge by the arm, Sybil dragged her into the center of the group and let go of her arm. "You are surrounded by ill will!" she declared in a dark, sinister tone. "The Grim! The Grim! Your chances are slim!"
"I have heard enough of this ridiculous tripe," Dolores stated firmly. "Hagrid, take Sybill to Madame Pomfrey. Apparently, she needs medical attention."
Dolores closed her eyes and pinched her nose, waiting for the two to depart. Then, heaving a sigh, she announced. "Finally, we can get started."
"Wonderful," Irma said. "I'm parched. Who's tending bar? What? Why are you looking at me that way. You distinctly told us to dress comfortably for, and I quote, 'an icebreaker'."
"That sounds like a cocktail party to me," Vector put in. "Sirius can tend bar. He's great at everything."
"You know, I was skeptical at first," Irma announced, "but I think it's great to bond as a Team over drinks and conversation."
"It's not that kind of an icebreaker!" shouted Umbridge.
"Well, that's a disappointment," Filius remarked.
"No problem, Filius," Irma told him. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out the transfigured flask, unscrewed the top, turned it up in what appeard to be a long drink, and then offered it to Flitwick.
Umbridge shoved her bulk between Filius and the flask. "How dare you drink on the job!" shouted Umbridge. "And worse, offer it to your colleagues!"
"How do you know it's alcohol?" Irma shot back. "Could be anything in my little flask! And for that matter, how does playing silly games even qualify as being 'on the job?' I was hired to manage the library, not to participate in Saturday morning games!" Upending the flask, she pretended to take another long hit on the bottle. Then, she stared, unblinkingly at her foe, daring the woman to ask.
"And just what," Dolores demanded in acid tones, "is it that you're drinking from your little flask, Madam Pince?"
Irma smiled. "Shampoo."
Dolores Umbridge's face went through a rapid series of colors - pink, rose, mauve, and fuchsia – before settling into a beetroot red. She quivered with indignation and anger. "I think perhaps you're right, Madam Pince," she growled out from behind gritted teeth. "You should be in the library. Consider yourself dismissed. We can discuss your disrespectful behavior and possible suspension later."
"Five down," Sinistra remarked softly to her best friend, "and only ten minutes in."
Septima snorted. "She's on the way to a new record."
"Noooow," Umbridge announced loudly, drawing out the word. She watched a few minutes longer to make sure Pince was well on her way back to the castle. "For our ice breaker, we'll be playing a game called 'Two Truths and a Lie.' It's a great deal of fun, and we'll learn a great deal about each other."
"Oh, joy," muttered Severus.
"Each person will tell us two truths and one lie about himself or herself, and the group will try to guess which one was the lie." She giggled and clapped her pudgy hands together. "Charity, you may begin."
"Let's see," Burbage said. "First, I'll say that I detest liver and onions. Two, I hate fish, too." She frowned for a moment, then smiled and added, "My lie is that I've seen the Grim in Dolores' office."
"You, boob!" Hooch laughed. "You're not supposed to tell us which one was the lie! I'll go next. One, I failed Divination in school, so I don't know anything about the Grim. But, two, my favorite book is Cujo. Three, I love it when Bathsheda throws her cigs on my field."
"Easy enough," McGonagall stated, "The last is a lie. I'll give it a go. One, my brother, Robbie, is a lawyer – " She smiled with saccharine sweetness at Dolores. "Two, my other brother, Malcolm, is a minister. Three, we had a Scottish Wolfhound when we were bairns."
Aurora Sinistra called out. "The last is the lie. You had a terrier." She tapped a manicured nail against her lips. "One, Canis Major has always been my favorite constellation. Two, late last night I saw a handsome, young wizard leaving Dolores' office, and – "
"That's a lie!" roared a highly offended, red-faced Dolores. "How dare you insult my virtue! I'll have you know that there has never been – "
"Oh, no, no, Dolores," Aurora quickly interrupted the rabid diatribe, "you're right. That was my lie. I mean, honestly, no one would ever believe for a minute that a handsome, young wizard would be visiting you late at night." She smiled sweetly and rushed on, "Well, I can see I've upset you dreadfully, so I'll pass my turn to Septima."
Septima quickly spoke up, her eyes sparkling. "One, I love a good whodunit. Two, I think we should ask an auror to investigate Dolores' ruined office." She laughed. "Sirius, do you think Tonks would investigate when she comes to visit this morning? We could call it 'The Case of the Mischievous Mutt.' And for number three – " She pointed at Umbridge. "I think the Grim's after you."
"You don't really believe it's the Grim!" Filius chuckled and stepped forward, clearing his throat. "One, I don't believe Dolores saw the Grim. Two, I don't believe Dolores saw a dog," he smiled, "and, three, I think Dolores imagined the whole thing."
"Stop right there!" Umbridge thundered. "I did not imagine anything! I know what I saw, and it was a dog! Not the Grim! And I know that dog has destroyed all my paperwork!" She stomped her foot.
"I thought you said you didn't see it. Are you lying?" Filius challenged.
Umbridge glared at him. "It doesn't matter," she snipped frostily. "You aren't playing the game correctly. You're supposed to tell us something about yourself, something personal, not what you're thinking."
"All right, I'll give it a go." Sirius Black smiled and rubbed his hands together. "One, I am somewhat of a prankster. Two, I've authored a mystery that gaslights someone." Frowning, Sirius took a step forward, approaching Umbridge like he would a wild animal. "Three," he said gently, "I think you've just been working too hard, and your mind is playing tricks on you."
"I will not hear this!" Umbridge shouted. "I am not – "
"But, Dolores," Sirius said calmly, "you must admit that you have been working under a lot of pressure."
"All of these meetings," put in Charity, "and the paperwork."
"And since Dumbledore vanished," McGonagall added with a knowing smirk, "you've been trying to teach and run the school."
"Not to mention the debacle with Slytherin House," added Sinistra.
Flitwick added, "There's not one shred of empirical evidence to support the theory that a dog even –"
"The coarse, black fur! The ruined papers!" Dolores cried. "They were chewed and urine soaked!"
"Those papers could have been chewed by rats," suggested Septima, "which could have left the hair."
"Or a wolf," added Hooch.
"I know what I saw!" Dolores exclaimed.
"The Hound of the Blackservilles," muttered Severus.
"All right, all right, Dolores," Sirius told her soothingly, "whatever you say." He patted her softly on the shoulder. "How about I just ask my cousin, Tonks, to check things out? Hmm? She's an auror and owes me a favor or two. She can look around, give you her professional opinion, but off the record, you understand. And if she can't find evidence of some mysterious canine, then maybe you could take some time off?" He stared at her with big puppy dog eyes.
Umbridge pinched her thin lips and narrowed her eyes for a long moment before she spoke. "I will concede that I am rather stressed from the enormous pressures on me as I try to wrestle this school into something resembling a well-oiled working machine," she snipped tightly. "However, I know what I saw, and the evidence –" She shot an disgruntled look at Filius. " – is irrefutable."
"Fine, fine," Sirius smiled. He clapped his hands and then motioned for Snape to step forward. "Snape, your turn."
With a poker face in place, Severus Snape slowly drawled, "As much as I'm enjoying participating in this delightful little game – " He gestured towards Umbridge. "Under the circumstances, I think it would be best to skip the game playing and move forward with the meeting."
Squaring her shoulders and growling under her breath, Dolores sprang to the front of the group and turned to face them. She cleared her throat and put on a falsely cheerful tone. "It has come to my attention that Hogwarts is woefully behind the times," she announced. "The faculty as a whole are not current with legal and medical matters, and – "
"Me brother, Robbie, tell ye that?" asked Minerva.
"I'll have you know," Dolores shouted, "that every single school personnel of every single school – but this one! – are required to pass certain mandatory modules at the beginning of each new school year."
"You want us to take a test?" asked Hooch.
"Exactly," shouted Umbridge, "Hogwarts is in desperate need of such training, so at the beginning of each new year, you will repeat these same Compliance Modules. However, because we are nearing the end of the school year, you will all need to work through only a select few."
Dolores transfigured her clipboard into a small table and began sorting through a stack of booklets. "When you've finished reading your assignment, I'll give you a test. Those who pass will move on to the next course. Those who fail must re-do that unit until when he or she has passed."
"Now, before anyone complains," she added, "I have taken a great deal of time and effort to match you with an appropriate unit." She held out a folder. "Flitwick, you will study 'Diversity and Inclusion'."
She waited until an angry Charms professor snatched the booklet from her hands before holding up another folder. "Black, I believe you will learn a great deal from this."
"What is it? 'Sexual Harassment Awareness Training'?" Black asked. "Frankly, Dolores, I'm offended."
"You flirt too much," Dolores shot back. "Not everyone is as thrilled with your attentions as you seem to think! This is not a time to be laughing, Professor Snape!" She fumbled at the table, picked up a folder, and waved it at him. "Here, I've assigned 'Mandatory Reporter of Child Abuse' to you."
Snape raised one raven eyebrow. "Child abuse?"
"Yes, and you should pay strict attention to the chapter on verbal abuse," she told him. "Calling students names like 'dunderhead' can cause damage to their self-esteem."
Ignoring Snape's muttered remarks, Umbridge held out another folder. "Professor Sinistra, you need to review 'Professionalism in the Workplace.' Here, come get the module." She shook the pamphlet at the Astronomy teacher.
"Ah, here is the 'Employee Workplace Discipline Training' module. As I seem to recall Professor Hooch has a need for this," Dolores rattled on, "and for Professor Vector, I have 'Combatting Contagious Illness'."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Vector demanded.
"Oh, fine! You can 'Mental Health Awareness' if you'd prefer. I'd intended that one for Sybil, but if you'd rather –" She smiled smugly when Vector took the offered folder.
"Professor McGonagall," she called out, "you will begin with the 'Workplace Violence Awareness Training' module."
"Gladly," Minerva growled angrily as she stepped forward and grabbed the folder.
"Professor Burbage? Here is your folder," Dolores said.
"You're giving me 'Substance Abuse in the Workplace'?" asked Charity. "Seriously?"
"Oh, no, sorry, tee-hee!" Dolores declared with a giggle, "that one's for Sprout." She held out a hand for the folder.
"Never mind," Charity told her. "I'll keep it."
"All right, then," Dolores announced loudly as she collected the remaining modules. "When we meet again next month, it will be in the Great Hall." She returned the table to its proper form and clipped the folders onto her clipboard. "Perhaps then we can have a proper team building exercise. Be sure to dress comfortably but appropriately! One person from each House should get together and make a list of things that need improvement because - "
Looking up, Dolores froze as she saw a large, black dog running across the field towards her. Dangling from the creature's slobbering jaws was a large, soggy pink mass. As the dog bounded across the quidditch pitch, it paused to occasionally shake its massive head, scattering chunks of pink fluff.
"That – that dog!" she shrieked. "I told you! I told you! Look it's destroying my best hat!"
"Dog?" Sirius gasped. "Where?" He rushed to Dolores' side and grabbed her arm, holding it down, just as she raised her wand to hex the animal.
"It's right there!" Dolores cried. "For Merlin's sake! What's wrong with you? Are you blind?"
Every member of staff looked in a different direction, each of them calling out excitedly, "Where? I don't see a thing!"
"There! Can't you see?" she shouted. "Running behind the bleachers! It's large and black!"
"The Blackness Monster?" Snape asked sarcastically.
"Perhaps a Tonkinese?" quietly suggested Vector with a knowing smile.
Dolores rushed towards the stands with Sirius Black following on her heels. Within moments, they both returned. Dolores, looking confused and worried, sat down next to the bag of H.E.L.L. forms that Sprout had left.
"Dolores?" Minerva asked with a similitude of concern.
"But I know what I saw," Dolores insisted. She appealed dumbly to each of them.
Sirius shook his head slowly. "There was nothing there," he told her gently, "except a mockingbird chewing on a sunflower seed." He shrugged. "I think we'd better go inside, get Dolores out of the sun for a while."
"Yes," Burbage remarked, "Dolores, dear, you should see Poppy and get something for your nerves."
"I think that's a good idea," Dolores said weekly, "I do seem to have a headache."
"First time I saw that head, I knew she was going to have a problem with it," Snape muttered.
"Can we go now?" ask Aurora. "I have a date tonight."
"Of course," Flitwick said, dismissing them. "Don't you worry, Dolores. The Heads of House will gather a list of things that need improving."
"Oh, and don't forget the bag of H.E.L.L. forms," Minerva called back over her shoulder. "We did work so hard on them."
With a trill, the mockingbird swooped over Sirius Black and flew towards the castle. Quickly, the staff took off in separate directions leaving Dolores standing alone, struggling with the bag.