Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.

Who's That Father?

Rabid

(Then: Gluttony, Stomach Arena's Observation Suite)

"There's Daddy, see him, Wari-Wari?" Jiraiya pointed at the screen and looked at the little pup in his arm. The little lavender hellpup keened and reached for the barely eight foot tall, orange coated Hellhound in blue trunks and white tape around his wrists and ankles as he paced across from a white coated hound that had a few inches on him and wore sparkly green underwear. Why were the fighters dressed in little more than underwear? To keep blatant cheating such as sneaking weapons in mid-fight off the table. Of course, subtle things like substance enhancement or ringside support wasn't barred – crowd participation was a huge win in Queen Beelzebub's book.

Frankly, though, Jiraiya was surprised the Queen wasn't here at all. She'd shown for the last few Coalition tournaments, taken interest in a fighter or two, but for her to yet make an appearance made him uncomfortable. A happy squeal of 'Daaa!' had the old Hound look back at his giddily smiling great-grand pup. Shit, why did puppies always look the cutest just as their first set of teeth grew in?

"I know! Look look look, Daddy's gonna break that stupid hound's arm. Wait for it, wait for it...Oh, come on, Brat! You had that fucker right where you wanted him!" Jiraiya snapped at the television while Himawari keened again. Naruto had his opponent in a perfect inverted armlock, just a sharp twist away from breaking it, and the dipstick let himself get thrown off by a bit of ice magic? Jiraiya scowled. "We trained in ancestral lands you pompous little shit, don't make me regret taking you there! Teeth, teeth! Watch the fucking teeth! Come on–Yes!"

Hyper aware that a lack of a set style would wind up with his grandson either dead or dying on slay-per-view, Jiraiya crammed Naruto with everything he knew about mixed martial arts, from the traditional Hound Havoc Boxing to the bizarre Capioera. Unsurprisingly, the unorthodox Hellhound took to Wing Chun – a very agile and disorienting style of hand-to-hand combat that involved pokes, slaps, and other infuriating non-strikes that kept opponents guessing – like a succubus to oral; it was like it was meant to be.

The only other active practitioner was an incarcerated 'friend', for attempted murder of his uncle, and he only begrudgingly helped them iron it out for their larger than average Hellhound frames after they made an agreement about visitation rights. For who? Well–

"Daaaahhh!" Himawari keened when the camera cut to a closeup of the fighters' stats after First Blood was drawn by one of his grandson's near-patented retaliatory mule kicks to the muzzle. If for whatever reason time went out before one fighter dropped, the 'point' allocation by specific damage or injuries left on an opponent would determine the winner. First Blood granted an automatic fifty points to be tacked onto the score, and though the blow that caused him to spin out mid air would give his opponent a decent ten points at least – five for knocking him airborne, five for the impact itself – that crack across the muzzle knocked teeth out and caused the white hound to not only drop to his knees, but to also bleed heavily. But then, head injuries always appeared worse because of all the blood vessels.

"Come on, Brat, you got him by a foot and thirty pounds of muscle, and you kicked that wannabe alpha's ass, didn't you?!" Jiraiya asked the screen before he paused. "Actually, I don't know how that fight turned out. Shit. Brat you better win this and stay conscious so you can tell me how and when you beat that Nubis boy!"

It was a thrilling fight, and only three minutes in. Most fights of this caliber barely lasted two, usually one Hound was either proven arrogant or too weak to compete in this sort of tournament. Which is exactly why Jiraiya trained his grandson to fight the way he had.

"Block, block that right! Ye–footing, watch your footing! Fuck!" Jiraiya winced and Himawari went quiet as the opponent – Sled or Slag or Slug or some shit like that – slipped a foot between Naruto's and closed the distance between them. An open-pawed palm strike to the throat followed by a punch to the center of the chest caused Naruto to drop down to a knee and start coughing blood. The stupid jumping roundhouse that knocked the orange Hound off his knees was totally unnecessary and definitely just a point move. "Fuck! No, get up kid! It's the first fuckin' bracket!"

The crowd around the immediate arena began counting with the in-pit referee and the white Hound started shouting things that the official's microphone didn't pick up. Himawari whimpered and whined as she saw her father laying in a pool of his own blood. Jiraiya growled and tried to comfort her, but he was never as good as her father at schooling his features when she needed him for 'emotional reassurance' – which is something that totally blew Jiraiya's mind when he was handed a book given to him by his grandson about pup raising. Things weren't the same as when he was raising Minato, and he was fucking blessed by the quiet genius that little brat was – like she did now.

"Dah! ..Dah! ..Daaaaah!" The puppy howled as the count reached nine. Jiraiya almost almost looked away to console her, when the camera that was focused on the orange Hound zoomed in on his twitching eye. It snapped open just before the official could get the number ten from his mouth, glowing a bright vibrant azure, and his lips curled back to reveal his bloody teeth.

In another millisecond, the orange hound vanished from the camera's focus and reappeared behind the prematurely celebrating white hound. The arrogant son of a bitch's red eyes bulged when two orange and brown furred arms caught him in a sleeper hold. The crowd roared in approval as Naruto uttered something that made his opponent stop fighting before he lifted the other hound up and dropped him spine-first onto his knee. Paralyzed for sure, Naruto finished his opponent off by grabbing him at the base of the skull and one of his shoulders before he ripped the helpless hound's head off.

Jiraiya could only wonder if that was an instinctual reaction or retaliatory.

The match was called and he was declared the winner to a horde of bloodthirsty demons. Chest heaving, all the brat did was glare into the camera that focused on his face, even as his arm was raised by the official. Where amateurs and novices in the eyes of Hell would think it a front to intimidate opponents, Jiraiya saw what other experienced and ranked demons would likely catch. The spark in his eye, the gleam the glare promised; the Hellhound had everything to lose and was damned sure he wouldn't.

That made him a legitimate threat. That made him interesting. That would draw in sponsors from the Ars Goetia. And that would help him get off the ground with the cracked plan of his.

Congrats, Brat. You took the first step to put yourself on the fucking map. Jiraiya thought as he grinned and tickled the happy puppy in his claws. Himawari probably didn't really know what was going on, but her daddy was standing and the other mean Hellhound was not. Jiraiya was proud she didn't seem to shy away from the gory finish. And you're still her favorite.

(Now: Gluttony, Wild Things Facilitated – Main Offices)

In the semi-privacy of the newly and promptly constructed medical bay – Hellborn, when paid well, do fast and fucking efficient work; it's part of the 'Grand Design', to make them obedient and worthwhile forces for the Sins and Princes that would lead them during the conflict that would arise from the ashes of the Apocalypse – a father tucked his puppy into his side. his muzzle resting atop her head as she buried her face into the fur on his neck. Clutched in the pup's bandaged arms and tucked into her bruised neck was a stuffed Queen Bee doll. The father kept his claws loose as he ran them through her hair while the puppy quietly sobbed against his neck, her voice lost from the trauma it suffered and effort put into describing her captor.

"That should be enough for now." The Saluki-like Hellhound in a burgundy skirt and white blouse adjusted her glasses and looked at the two other hounds in the room. "We can put a hit out with these sketches through shell companies and favors."

"Pris." The father's voice was kept low even as a faint rumble of thunder broached the city. "I want them alive."

"Of course–"

"No, listen." Furious, glacial blue eyes locked on her red. "All of them. Alive. Beaten and broken is fine, I don't need them fucking pristine, but get them to me...alive."

"If need be, I'll see it done myself." Priscilla nodded. She turned to the Hellhounds they'd called in, a pair of freelancers that had decent skill with sketches, and gestured to the door. "Mr. Bills, Mr. James, this way if you will. Thank you for your time, you will be paid accordingly for your help."

"Hey, anytime, Boss. We have open commissions, too. Give ya a discount sometime. Maybe." One, a short corgi-like Hound, said with a weak grin. He was elbowed and shoved out the door by the other, a thin dachshund-like Hellhound.

"He was just kidding, Boss. You need us to draw again, we'll do it, no questions asked." He affirmed and then smiled at the pup, though she didn't see it. "Feel better, Pickle, we're all here for you."

The door shut once Priscilla stepped out behind them and the small family of two sat in a tense silence. Naruto pushed his nose to the top of his puppy's head and took a deep whiff of her scent. He let his eyes shut and settled back over her head when the harsh squeak he faintly recognized as what should be a whine emitted from her throat.

"Shh, baby girl. Shh." He stroked a claw over her back. His lips pressed to her ear as she trembled and huffed silent sobs into his neck. "I'm so fucking proud of you, Pickle. So fucking proud. You're so fuckin' brave, y'know? My brave baby girl, you're going to grow up into such a fucking badass bitch."

His puppy was kidnapped. Poked. Prodded. Poisoned. As much as every fiber of his being wanted to, he couldn't react to the thought of that right now. He needed it to wait. To fester until the perpetrator(s) was before him. So he could gouge their eyes out with a rusted scalpel, slowly, meticulously. Then take a pair of tongs to their tongue(s) and tear the organ out of their mouth. Cleave their genitals from their bodies with a fucking box cutter. Yes, yes these were decent plans, but he would wait on it, he could not afford to be irritated right now.

A crackly keen that sounded dismissive had him nuzzle her head.

"Yes, Pickle." Naruto hummed into her ear and pecked it, before he gently rubbed his muzzle along her bandaged face. His blood ran hot with fury, but it simmered beneath his skin. "You are so brave, and so fuckin' strong."

An over the top moan from his hip had him scowl and look at his vibrating watch. Where the fuck had he been? Naruto kissed his pup's head.

"Grump's callin, Pickle. Do you wanna try to say hi?"

Himawari shook her head and burrowed further into his neck, wet tracks beneath her eyes drying. Alright, that was fair. She had done a lot of talking. He'd have to get something from Nairod to help her soothe the soreness and pain. It was bad enough when her arm was broken and she got a fucking cut on her head, but this recent attack took her voice–!

Anti-Christ, he had to stop fucking thinking about it before he did something he'd regret.

"Okay. We'll be quick. You rest up, baby," Naruto said softly as he stroked her back before he pulled his phone from his pocket and answered the call. "Gramps."

"Brat." Dick. The Toad waited a beat. "Got her?"

"Got her." Technically, anyway.

"Told you that you would." Smug asshole.

"Fuck off." He huffed and ran the underside of his jaw over his pup's head again as she snuggled in. Her silent sobs had stopped and her breaths had evened out. She was asleep, soundly by the feel of her limp body's near slide if he didn't adjust his arm holding her close. His poor puppy, she shouldn't have had such a fucking awful experience so soon after her recovery from the last. "What'd you learn?"

"You have a fan, to say the least." Under-fucking-statement. His snort was matched with a sardonic chuckle. "Tell me about it. Coordinates led me to a pier, where a run down amusement park was set up. Somethin' Island, I guess. Ferris Wheel entrance was the point to the dot, it was covered in a bunch of pictures of you, disguised and not."

"Any letters?"

"No, but they left me a message too. 'Old Dogs get put down'. Sounds like the freak's got a gimmick."

"Yeah, asshole likes emphasizing our canid appearance." Naruto mumbled as he let his eyes drift close. "Think it's a Human?"

"...if it isn't, then we might have the first legitimately skilled Surface-Walker since Mephistopheles' last sighting. Not enough accurate demonic wards in the area to be one of us, and it's not a trap from the Pearly Ones." Jiraiya rumbled. "This guy really wants to meet you."

"Given that he took and poisoned Himawari, I figured that shit out already."

"Motherfucker did WHAT?!"

"She just fell asleep, Toad, so shut the fuck up!" Naruto snarled lowly after trying to block the roar that passed through the speaker. His grandfather grumbled and growled on the other end of the phone, the scuff of dirt audible as he angrily paced. Naruto closed his eyes again and fought back another growl lest he wake Himawari. "I have a sample and an antidote is being developed. She was given something earlier from whoever rescued her–"

"Wh–I thought you fucking rescued her?!"

"No, I fucking didn't! Someone beat me to her by ten fucking minutes!" He damn near bit his tongue when the softest, scratchiest of whimpers came from his little Pickle's mouth. Not awake, but another outburst definitely could change that. He took a deep breath in through his nose and fought back the fire burning beneath his skin. "Jiraiya...whoever saved her left a note, called themselves 'A Friend' like a cheeky bastard. But we can look into that later, right now we need to get Himawari's system purged. Hate to ask, Gramps–"

"Don't you fucking dare ask me, Naruto. Don't you fucking dare."

"If it wasn't the last fucking option we have, or the fastest way to fucking identify this asshole that needs to fucking die–"

"I am not asking that lying, back-stabbing–!"

"It's for Himawari, Grandpa." Naruto muttered softly. He knew he might be asking for too much from his grandfather, but he had to try. "Please. At least go talk to him. If you don't, I'll have to invite him here and–"

"Don't you fucking dare. That sadistic motherfucker is not allowed near my great-grandpup, Naruto. Neither of them are."

"Then please, just...go ask."

"...We are square for fucking life, do you hear me brat? You don't get to bring up your shit childhood after this. That is no longer a fall I'll take, and the only fucking reason that's the only fucking thing I'm demanding is because it's for her. Am I fucking understood?"

"Yes, sir." Naruto sighed in relief.

"Good. I'll come by and snag the sample later. I need to go vent."

"Don't get caught."

"Fuck off brat."

The line went dead and Naruto let his phone drop to his side. It vibrated again and he growled in annoyance before he lifted it back up. His growl stopped on a dime and it felt like his stomach suddenly turned into a void.

Loona.

Fuck me, I'm not ready yet. He set the phone down and ignored it as it vibrated. He kept nuzzling his pup and ignored the pit that grew inside of him. It wasn't her fault, he knew that she did what she could, but he wasn't ready to keep arguing about it. Not when she thought he was trying to blame her, which he fucking wasn't! If she'd just fucking give him a breakdown of what fucking happened to collaborate his puppy's fucking story – because she still debriefed despite having bruised her throat and fucking larynx! – he'd have just let everything else go!

He missed his girlfriend, fresh though the relationship was, but Himawari came first. She always came first.

(Pride, I.M.P. Main Office)

"I'm fucking sick of getting your voicemail, you dick! This wasn't my fucking fault, so don't fucking ignore me! At least have the fucking courtesy to dump me, asshole!" Loona snarled into her phone before she hung up and put it face down on her desk. She growled and looked up with glowing red eyes at the Sinner across from her. "The fuck do you want?!"

"Uh, erm, is this I.M.P.? The uh, revenge killers for Sinners like me?" The snot-shaped and colored Sinner trembled in front of her like it was a walking glob of gelatin. Ugh, that fucking stupid slogan Blitzø was trying out was a whole other mess she didn't want to fucking deal with. Loona growled and pressed on the P.A. system to Blitzø's office.

"Blitzø," she growled and tried to collect herself but snarled at the Sinner. Fucker was probably some slacking human fuck and got done in by a bunch of yeast or some shit. "You and the idiots have a fucking client."

"What?!" Blitzø called from behind the door. It cracked open and her adoptive father poked his head out. "Loony, I told you that I need to get that system fixed, it doesn't work great–Whoa, the fuck happened to this asshole?"

"Don't fucking know. Don't fucking care. Going for a fucking smoke." Loona growled, getting up from her seat, grabbing her phone and walking out of the office. Once she got outside, away from the fuckers that worked in Mayday's offices, she lit up a cigarette and took a drag. She leaned against the wall and sank down to her heels as she exhaled. Her eyes burned – from the smoke, she tried to tell herself – and she pulled the stick from her mouth with one hand while the other pushed to her forehead.

"Fuck." She grit her teeth. Fuck, I shouldn't have left a fucking message, dammit. He's going to think I'm a fucking stalker freak and then he will fucking break up with me, that cowardly fuck!

Maybe if they'd finished their argument last week in a way she was familiar with, she'd know where they stood, but...

(Then: Gluttony, Wild Things Facilitated)

"Ugh, my fucking head." Loona groaned as she sat up. She ached and was sore like she'd been dropped on the floor–it all flooded back to her instantly. Tranquilizer. Hazmat Number Three. The Squirt. The Squirt! "Himawari–!"

"Easy, easy! Calm down, Miss Buckzo!" More fucking humans that want to experiment on her? They should've fucking strapped her down–! Gloved green hands kept her arms pinned down and she started to thrash. "Shit. Mr. Uzumaki! Your partner is up!"

Mr. Uzu-what–? A door opened and–Oh, hey, that looks an awful lot like her boyfriend making his way over. No, couldn't be. He was stuck in fucking meetings all day – it's part of why she took the Squirt – no way he knew they'd gotten snagged. A big set of claws cupped her face and forced her to look up at him. What the fuck was he going to do, snap her neck–?

"Loona. Calm. Down." Ah, okay. That growl was super fucking familiar. No way the humans actually managed to fucking replicate that shit. She blinked a few times until the unfocused 'almost' boyfriend cleared up and–ah, yeah. That was her boyfriend.

"..Babe? Naruto, that you?"

"It's me." Naruto rumbled. He looked up at her other restrainer – oh, the fucking quack doctor that tried to get her to get a Hellbies Booster months early. Whoops. When did she–? Naruto's claws traced around the side of her head. Ooh, that felt kind of nice. "Loona? If we let you go, are you going to freak out again?"

"Freak out?" She asked. His eyes narrowed.

"Are you?"

"No," she muttered as her eyes drifted shut. Fucking stupid magic fingers. If you stop doing that I might.

"I can see I'm no longer needed here. I'll go check up on our pediatric."

"Please do." Naruto's voice gained an edge to it. Loona might recognize it if she wasn't in fucking bliss. The door opened and closed. A beat passed before the gentle massage on the base of her ears came to a stop. Wha, fuck, no! She might've whined. "Loona."

She definitely whined.

"Loona!"

"Mm?" Her eyes cracked open. Why was he still staring down at her like that?

"We need to talk about what fucking happened."

"We haven't fucked yet today." She grumbled before her eyes widened. "Or–wait, did we agree to some sleep shit?"

"Loona." He growled, this one was an angrier sort. Not sexy, not for fun. Shit, was he pissed? Why–? Tranquilizer, Hazmat, The Squirt–!

"Oh, fuck!" Loona sat up and spun around to face him. A bit lightheaded, she shook it off. "Is the Squirt okay?!"

"Did you just fucking remember her being there?!" Naruto growled at her, which hey, no. This was not on her!

"I'm sorry, you tell me how fucking good your memory is after you get fucking tazed and tranqued in the same fucking day!" Loona spat at him with her own growl starting. He was not fucking scary, not to her, and even though she wasn't fully recovered from the aforementioned subduing methods, she could take him!

"Do you know how fucking long you were unconscious?"

"I put a timer on my phone, so–"

"Rhetorical question." He growled. His lip curled. "You were unconscious for four hours. During which time, you jerked around in your fucking sleep. While you were fucking chained to my puppy."

Oh...Fuck.

"That's why she was so quiet!" Loona realized. "I thought it was the fucking muzzle–"

"Loona!" Naruto snarled. At her. Uh, fuck that.

"What the fuck are you getting pissed at me for?! I tried to protect her!" Loona felt her hackles rise and lips curl back when he snarled in turn. She put a claw into her chest. "Whatever I fucking did while I was unconscious was not my fucking fault!"

"Are you fucking serious?!" His claw pointed toward the door, presumably in the pup's direction. "Her throat was almost fucking crushed! Tell me what fucking happened!"

"That is not on me! And fuck you!"

"Bitch, I'm not fucking saying it was! I just need–!"

"Well, you sure as fuck aren't not saying it!"

"What the fuck does that even–?!" Naruto growled and covered his face with his claws before an otherworldly chill filled the room. His claws dragged down his head and glowing blue eyes pierced through the cracks of them. He stood up straight and closed his eyes. "I. Cannot. Argue right now."

"What the fu–?"

"My puppy and girlfriend were abducted, I don't know fucking why or by who!" He snapped, his eyes scrunched shut and teeth bared. A second claw joined the first. "My company is still fucking rebuilding, and someone broke in to drop my puppy off." Up went the third claw. "And then fucking Bee-Lzebub–!"

"You know what?! Why don't you just–?!" She didn't want to hear him talk about a night with that hound-stealing bitch. His eyes snapped open and his gaze froze her in place; the gorgeous blues she liked staring into were luminous and solid blue light.

"Fucking Bee-Lzebub is demanding to know why her Ring got infiltrated and where her small platoon of guards protecting the exit to Earth went!" The low snarl had Loona's ears flick back and she almost, almost ducked her head submissively. She was not giving him that satisfaction and held his glowing glare with her own. "I cannot argue with you anymore, Loona. If you feel fine, and if you don't want to fucking help, then just fucking go. I'm not going to keep you. Get your phone from Pris."

"...Is that it? Are we done then?" Loona asked,

"What part of 'not arguing' did you fucking miss?" Naruto snapped as he glared at her again. "You want it to be fucking done?"

Loona growled at him. "Don't put that shit on me, that's not fucking fair!"

"I'm not trying to put anything on you! God-fucking–!" He looked away and snarled into his hand again. "No, enough of this! I'm not arguing! I'm not breaking up with you! I need to not...Just...Fuck this!"

He stormed out of the room and broke the door on his way out. Loona flinched from the sound of the bang. She scowled and started to follow after him, only to get stopped by the one Hellhound she was pretty sure could kill her without issue.

"Your phone." Priscilla tossed the object into her claws as she blocked the exit. She took a single step back and pointed the opposite way Naruto had turned. "Collect your fucking Imps and get the fuck out of our Ring."

"Excuse–?!"

Two large, grey wolf-like Hellhounds armed with assault rifles stepped up from where they were posted on either side of the door to flank Priscilla, in support. Uh? How long were those two there? Why the fuck were they... – "I'm not going to keep you." – To guard her room, to protect her. Obviously. Shit. Shit! No, she can't fuck this up. Goddammit, she was not fucking this up!

Before Loona could make an effort to avoid the two and dart after Naruto, to clear up the situation and figure out what his fucking issue was, Priscilla crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes.

"It wasn't a request, Miss Buckzo." Her glasses gleamed as her eyes, and those of the hounds flanking her, glowed. "Get your coworkers and go back to Pride. I have an investigation to oversee, and the sooner you leave the sooner I can do something worthwhile with my time."

"...Is this the part where you threaten to kill me?" Loona sneered.

"No." Priscilla curled her lip for only a brief moment before her expression schooled itself. "This is the part where I clue you in: My Boss, your boyfriend, is so fucking stressed out because his child was abducted, tortured and poisoned–" Fucking wait, what?! Loona couldn't even ask about that because the other She-Hound spoke over her. "–under your watch. He needs to cool off and is giving you a fucking out before one of you says something in the heat of the moment that you can't take back. Word from the wise: take the fucking hint, Loona, and leave."

Loona growled, weighed her options, looked down at her nearly dead phone, and made the only choice she could in the Ring she'd only just recently ventured out to.

She left.

(Now: Pride, outside I.M.P. Main Offices)

"Stupid fucking asshole," Loona muttered and wiped the frustrated tears out of her eyes. She glared down at her phone, the picture of the father and daughter from the day of their second date grinned back up at her. It was warped by a fallen droplet. Loona growled as her teeth grit and closed her eyes again, "I didn't fucking do anything wrong. I was fucking unconscious. I didn't mean to...Fuck."

She crossed her arms over her knees and dropped her head onto them. Her tail draped over her feet. A long growl devolved into a groan, and she let her head roll back so that she could look up at the crimson sky.

Fuck. He's definitely going to dump me. Loona cut off the whine before it finished falling out of her mouth. She couldn't protect the puppy, she hurt the Squirt – Not intentionally! I wasn't even conscious! Fuck! – and that was the line. That was it. She took a drag on her cigarette and continued to let the tears fall. Shit, she would just prefer he sent a fucking text or something! Dragging it on like this was just fucking torture and she almost believed he actually didn't want things to end–!

A heap of shit jalopy squealed into the lot. It barreled through a parked Sumpa and came to a stop without a scratch. Not that that was saying much, given how rusted, banged up and absolute trash this car was. Her ears perked up when she saw the Hellhound behind the wheel.

What the fuck was Jiraiya doing here?

He tore himself out of the car, a snarl on his face, and stormed into the building. A beat passed before he popped his head back out to look down at her. He opened his mouth once, closed it, then opened it again.

"Your dipshit 'dad' didn't fucking bounce or skip town did he?"

"...He's not my dad." Loona grumbled half heartedly, giving the same fucking answer she always gave that didn't exactly match how she felt. What? Yeah, Blitzø saved her ass and she was kind of grateful, but he was still a total train wreck she didn't want to admit she owed and cared about. Because she fucking didn't. ...Shut the fuck up.

"Ugh, fuckin–Teenagers." Jiraiya growled with a roll of his eyes. Before she could correct him – she's fucking twenty-two years old, dammit! Why didn't anyone fucking treat her like the goddamned adult she was?! – he glared at her. "Is the Imp in?!"

"Why?"

"You little–! I don't care who you're fucking, I will rip your throat out! Is the little fucker in or not?"

"Like I'll tell you, ya fuckin' old perv." Loona growled.

"Tch, fine. Worst case scenario I just torch the fucking place." He growled and ducked back in. Fuckin asshole, the whole line, except for the–Hold on. What'd he just say?

"Torch? Hey, wait! What the fuck?!" Loona took one last drag of her cigarette before she flicked it away and darted in after the older hound. She might not be vocally willing to admit how much she liked and appreciated what Blitzø did for her, but letting her boyfriend's – ex-boyfriend's? – grandfather burn down her workplace was not happening! She kept stuff in there!

Not to mention that they just finished repairs on the damage caused by the human attack.

"...So, you can see why I want that miserable bastard dead! He dropped the fucking Petri dish, and now look at me! I have to spend the rest of my afterlife looking like a goddamned amoeba!"

"Uh-huh, right yeah, let me just crunch a few numbers here." Blitzø hummed as he looked over the request. "Target is your ex-boyfriend, so there's a fee for the emotional connection – sometimes things run hot in the heat of the moment, you understand? Good – and a scientist?" He sucked in a breath. "Yeah, that's another additional fee. Y'see, we just had a nasty run in with a few of those sorts of fuckers last week. Tortured me, my daughter and some stray she was watching–"

"Don't fucking torch the place! That's all I fuckin ask!"

Huh, why was Loony yelling at someone not to burn something? Maybe she was getting back at her stupid ex-boyfriend that had been keeping her in a funk by burning his house down. Or putting a hit on him? Weird that she sounded like she was arguing with someone over that sort of detail though– right, he's a single father. Gotta protect that little pup– oh hey, when the asshat dies Blitzø can adopt the cute puppy and Loony will have a little sister!

A rich sister, with a bitching inheritance he'd be able to access! Yes! This was a brilliant idea! Almost as brilliant as his plan to make I.M.P. focus all of their time and effort on Earth-side assassinations for Sinners rather than build reputation and accord with potential allies in Hell!

"Bitch, I'll do what I fucking want!"

Blitzø went still and his plans to adopt were shelved indefinitely.

"Oh… fuck." He whispered lowly before he hopped around the desk and started ushering the Sinner out. "Okay, look snotface, you died that sucks we'll kill whatshisface? Biff?"

"Bill."

"Whatever!" Blitzø rolled his eyes. "We'll kill Bobby, send you the tab and if you don't pay up within a week, we'll come, I dunno, torture your soul or some shit for like, a fuckin' year, maybe. Now get out, so I can close up–"

"BUCKZO!" The office door flew off the hinges, sliced through the client vertically and almost decapitated Blitzø before it was embedded in the wall behind him. The tall, burnt Imp gulped and watched his latest client slump to the ground in two opposite directions.

"I'm okay!" "Oww!" Huh, weird. Two reactions, same voice.

"Jiraiya, hey," Blitzø gulped and grinned nervously as the giant Hellhound that haunted his fucking nightmares stormed into his office. The Imp backed away from the door until he could duck behind his Hellhound daughter's desk. When he did, he pressed frantically on the panic button under Loona's desk. Mox, Mils, stop sucking dicks and get the fuck out here!

"Buckzo." Jiraiya snarled as he stormed over to the desk. He grabbed Blitzø's lapel and pulled him up so that they were face to face. "You used up the absolute last of my tolerance for your fucking worthless existence and I've come to collect on some trauma debt you owe."

"Uh, I uh, can we just not uh–?" Blitzø caught Loona watching the exchange with a furrowed brow. He then looked back into Jiraiya's furious gaze. "Can we take this back to my office?"

"No."

"Shit." Blitzø grimaced. "You gonna at least tell me why?!"

"Why? You ate the last blurpleberry pop–Why the fuck do you think, you smartassed little period stain?!" Jiraiya roared in his face. "You got my great-grandpup kidnapped!"

"Whoa, hey, that shit was not on me!" Blitzø protested wide eyed. "We were fucking ambushed!"

"And you couldn't fucking prioritize protecting my great-grandpuppy?"

"I was being shot at!"

"So you let bullets fly at her! Mm, not helping your fucking case here, Shitzø," Jiraiya said around a snarl. He opened his mouth, paused and then removed one hand from Blitzø's person to stop Millie's attempted backstab. His hand wrapped around her throat and he snarled at her. "You must be Mildred. The competent one."

"Hey, fuck you!" Loony growled. Aw, so loyal, that made Blitzø's heart swell– "I'm way more competent than that hag–!"

"Five! Fuckin! Years!" Millie growled. She kicked and bit on Jiraiya's hand. "Listen you, put me and my boss down before my hubby puts a hole in your head."

"Is that what he's going to do?" Jiraiya asked. He turned his head to lock eyes on the sharpshooter and–Oh, fuck. Blitzø knew what was coming. He closed his eyes and tensed. Nope! Still fucking terrifying!

Fuck!

"You gonna shoot me in my head, Hubby?" Jiraiya growled. Blitzø cracked his eye and grimaced. Millie's head was held right in front of his as he glared at Moxxie, whose arms trembled. "You'll have to shoot Wifey here too."

"Fucking– Jiraiya, knock it off! It was my fucking fault, alright?!" Loony, oh Loony, no. Don't take this fall. Any fucking other fall, Blitzø would be cool with – like spilling food, eating paperwork, or passing noxious gas – but not this one! "I tried to get her out, but we got tazed by a couple of humans that snuck in–"

"I fucking knew I smelled Humans!" Jiraiya snarled as he let Blitzø and Millie drop to the ground. He tilted his head just as a gunshot rang and vanished from view in the blink of an eye. He reappeared in the same spot with Moxxie's rifle in hand. A rifle he twisted into a pretzel and then threw at the sexy little sharpshooter. Then he focused on Loona, stormed over to tower over her and crossed his arms,

"Tell me everything that happened, don't spare a fucking detail."

As Loony recounted the events of that day, Blitzø groaned and surveyed the damage to his office. Fuck a new door, some bullet hole damage, a new rifle for Moxxie – shit those things got fucking expensive! – and maybe a new chair for Loony. Or a squeaky toy...definitely a squeaky toy.

"..Blitz," Millie said, her eyes locked on the ceiling. "Did she just call him 'Jiraiya'? As in, Jiraiya the Fire Toad Eater? As in, the one fucking Hellhound that is on every fucking Imp's do not fuck with list? The same Jiraiya that writes the amazing Menma: Ninja of Love series?! The only Hellhound to ever go toe to toe with Satan and live?!"

"Yeah, pretty fucking sure he made that last one up." Blitzø grumbled as he dusted himself off. He glared at the back of Jiraiya's head and flipped him off. Only to quickly redirect that finger at Moxxie – along with the rest of his body – when Jiraiya shot a look over his shoulder. Fuck, that guy was still so fucking scary.

"How the fuck do you know The Imp-Eater?! He's the only Hellhound that stood his ground against Satan hisself!" Millie asked with wide eyes.

"I would really rather not fucking talk about it, Mils. I don't dig into your past exes right?"

"He's an ex? Like Verosika?"

"Fuck no! That would imply I'd find him attractive!" Blitzø snorted. He was into a lot of things, but Hellhounds...Okay, wait, no, the asshat Loony thinks she likes is kind of hot. Too bad he's an utter asshole.

"Fuck you too, Shitzø." The Hellhound in question growled. "How the fuck do you put up with him?"

"Alcohol and cigarettes."

"Mm, you might have to cut down on one of those if you move in with the Brat."

"Yeah, I don't know if that's happening." Loona huffed.

"Well, maybe it won't. Not my relationship, not my problem. But thanks for clearing things up." Jiraiya patted the petite she-hound on the head and laughed boisterously at her growl and attempted to claw him in retaliation. He skirted out of her way and smirked. "Ah, can't say the Brat doesn't have taste. Too tiny for my Lust, but you're all right, Loona. Give him another day or two, he'll come around. Pup only just got her voice back."

"Whatever, you gonna leave now?" Loona growled. Atta girl! Jiraiya shrugged and started to walk for the door. Blitzø let his shoulders slump in relief, he can't believe he survived that fucker's wrath again.

"Wait, no, who is going to cover the costs for the damages here?!" Moxxie shouted. Jiraiya froze and Blitzø slowly turned to his sharpshooter.

"Moxxie," he said, eye twitching. "What the actual fuck is wrong with you?"

AN: Hey, look at that! The gang's okay…shame about that door, though.

Still no sign of Steve. I guess I'll just have to eat ALL this chocolate paste by myself!

…Dammit, I bought five cartons of that crap, I was sure that would work.

Thanks for reading!