Featured Song Lyrics in order:
1. Excerpts from
"When I Grow Up" by the Pussycat Dolls
"Baby Shark" and "The Gummy Bear Song (I'm a Gummy Bear)"
2. "Get Serious" by Imagination Movers (my favorite childhood band)
Comedia was sleeping late the next morning, as it was Saturday, meaning Comedia didn't have any homeschooling to do.
As of since she moved in with Master Mundi, she was homeschooled, like she'd been for the last few years. But, Master Mundi thought perhaps it was time to see about getting Comedia into high school next fall.
Sure, she was a horse, but she was sentient like any other teenager, and she had every right to be educated if she wanted to achieve her dream of being a professional comedian someday. And as everyone knew, an educated princess was a resourceful princess.
But while Comedia was dreaming of telling jokes on stage and walking the red carpet a famous comedian, she was shaken awake by her adoptive father.
"Huh?"
Comedia woke up groggily.
"Ugh! It's Saturday!" she groaned.
"And time for an important meeting with the Jedi Council." said Ki-Adi. "Get dressed and brush your teeth now."
"I don't even wear clothes."
"You're right. Just brush and let's go."
Comedia had no idea what could be so important that it couldn't wait until after she had breakfast.
The Jedi Council and all their horses were in the Council chambers.
Comedia was downing a box of Peanut Butter Crunchies cereal, not having had the chance to eat breakfast or brush her mane before they were called into this meeting. Normally, Ki-Adi would object to snacks in the chamber, but he knew his adopted daughter well enough to know she got hangry, and the last kind of horse they needed now was a hangry horse.
"Who exactly called this meeting anyway?" asked Comedia, her mouth half filled with cereal.
"Comedia, don't talk with your mouth full." Ki-Adi scolded.
"I did." Magenta said. "Well, technically Yoda did, but I asked him to."
"What is this about?" asked Kit.
"We've got an issue. One that may be Mariverde related." said Magenta, pulling out a data tablet from her saddlebag.
On said tablet, there was the same advertisement for the Pretty Pony Pageant Comedia had seen the night before. At first, no one was sure why a horse show was cause for concern.
"Don't you get it? It's a pageant. One of the biggest contributors to bringing out the worst in people." said Magenta. "Have any of you heard of the Miss Galaxy Carrie Incident of '89?"
The Miss Galaxy Pageant was a beauty pageant for humanoid-type beings of the female kind. And there were many nasty incidents where contestants were willing to do anything to win, including sabotaging the other contestants in the most humiliating way possibly. And the incident Magenta just mentioned? Let's just say that the girl who got the crown experienced a little more bloodshed than she anticipated. Luckily for the one who done it, she wasn't a Jedi. But she didn't need to be in order to choke her half to death.
Magenta explained to the others that she'd seen it first hoof because she'd competed in the Pretty Pony Pageant twelve years ago.
"Except, I lost that one to some green pegasus diva. She was an even bigger diva than I was."
"That sounds like Emeraldi." said Comedia.
"Exactly! That was her name."
"If Mariverde wants to target people or ponies at their worst..." said Sapphire.
"She'd have a lot of potential targets." Anakin said.
"Exactly. You saw how much trouble it was when I was Mare-Lody. Or when Comedia was Silly Filly, Emeraldi was Queen of Mean, or Firework was Scare Mare. If she doesn't target the riders, Mariverde will very likely target an equine with magic of their own."
"I suppose you have an idea for how to prevent such from occurring?" said Obi-Wan.
"I do." Magenta said. "The best way to figure out who's the best person for Mariverde to target is getting on the inside."
"Hold up!" said Peppermint. "You want us mares to be pageant ponies?"
"Not just mares." said Magenta. "Stallions compete in the pageant too. But in order to do this, we need a secret weapon. Someone who knows this kind of thing inside and out. Some pony who's been close to them for a long time."
That was when every pony in the room looked at Comedia as she had her entire head in the cereal box, devouring what was left inside.
"Comedia, are you listening?" Sunheart said, getting the box off Comedia's head.
"What was it again?" Comedia said, shaking a bunch of crumbs out of her unbrushed mane.
"We need your intel on Pretty Pony Pageantry." Sapphire said.
Comedia showed pictures of Emeraldi's past wins, which she found in a scrapbook her family left behind when they were evicted from the manor.
"The Pretty Pony Pageant is no joke." Comedia said. "It's stiff competition."
As it turned out, there were four main categories to the pageant: Beauty, Style, Agility, and Talent. In order to ensure they kept eyes on every pageant contestant, they needed to stay in until the final category. And whether they made the final cut, that was up to the judges.
As luck would have it, Count Crescendo was a celebrity guest judge in the competition this year. But, there were going to be four other judges. In order to make it to the next round, they would have to win the favor of at least three judges.
"My sister won that pageant twelve times in a row. But, now that she's without royal status and likely a rider, that should give us a good chance if one of you wins."
But, the Jedi Council was surprised that Comedia implied she wouldn't be competing. That, Yoda questioned.
"Pretty Pony Pageant is the last place I'd ever go." Comedia said, trotting out of the room, as she had a previous engagement in the form of pranking Petro.
All the horses were gathered at the corral to be tested on everything. Even Comedia.
"Why do I have to be here?" Comedia whined to her father.
"Because we need every equine we can get," said Ki-Adi. "And you know this competition better than any of us."
All the Jedi Council's, the royal family's, and the Bad Batch's horses all formed a line for inspection. The horses were each beautiful, but they would need to walk the walk if they wanted to really show it off.
"I believe I can be of assistance in that area." Sapphire said, stepping up.
When I grow up
I wanna be famous
I wanna be a star
I wanna be in movies
Sapphire strutted down the floor with confidence and with sass like a professional runway model, but with four legs.
When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have groupies
A quick strike a pose, flashing her glittering wings, chin up, and tossing her mane back
When I grow up
Be on TV
People know me
Be on magazines
When I grow up
Fresh and clean
Number one chick
When I step out on the scene
Be careful what you wish for
'Cause you just might get it
You just might get it
You just might get it
And she finished with a powerful pose, everyone applauding her professional modeling skills.
"Wow! Where'd you learn to do that?" Anakin asked.
"Believe it or not, I actually used to be a model." Sapphire said.
"No way." Diamond said. "You were a model, Auntie?"
Sapphire got out an old magazine, where on the cover was a younger Sapphire, except back then she didn't have the silvery sparkly streaks in her blue mane.
"I guess you've gotten a little older since then, huh?" Anakin shrugged.
"Oh, these streaks aren't a result of age." Sapphire said. "They're actually a result of coming of age."
"What do you mean?" Omega asked.
"Well..." said Estrella, motioning to the star mark on her side. "You know how some of us have marks on our sides?"
"Weren't you born with it?"
"No. Back when I was a foal, my flank was blank. But once upon a time, I was terrified to fly."
Estrella told a story of how back when she was learning to fly, she'd gotten stuck high in a very tall tree, and the brabch broke, dropping her down. Fortunately, her mother jumped in and caught her just in time! But she was terrified to fly again after that.
And then one day, Estrella saw something she'd never expected to see before. A phenomenal sight of many comets known as a meteor shower. Estrella's eyes really lit up when she saw how beautiful they were.
Estrella had gotten her name from the fact that she was born on a night a shooting star flew above her parents' home, and the young filly was so fascinated by the stars, that when she saw the meteor shower, she wanted to fky closer to them. And she wanted to go very fast!
Thus, Estrella conquered her fear of getting back up, and learned to reach for the stars. And that was when a beautiful mark of a shooting star appeared on her side.
Lamenta then got curious about Crescent.
"Didn't you tell me you were born with that mark on your side?" She asked the pegasus.
"I was. But, it got brighter the night I flew without being afraid of the dark, because I learned like you that even the darkest of nights can be lit up with one little light. And that night, the moon was in its Crescent phase."
"Not all ponies, as we say, mark their spirit, by getting a pattern on our sides though." Carousella said. "Take Winter, for example. She has those snowflake patterns all over her body, which she earned from mastering control over the snow and saving Equinaro from an eternal winter."
Sapphire, on the other hoof, got the shiny silver streaks in her mane when she learned to embrace her own beauty and realize that only she could decide whether her appearance was good enough or not, and she let her true self shine.
Basically, Equinaro ponies got their spirits marked by committing an act of heroism or achievement of learning an important life lesson.
"What about you, Comedia?" said Gabby. "What's your mark?"
Comedia's ears drooped and she looked embarrassed.
"I don't have one." Comedia said, turning sideways. "My flank is blank, so is the rest of my body aside from when I scratched myself, and my mane has always been this colorful orange and yellow pattern. I honestly don't know if I'm ever gonna get a mark of any kind."
"You'll get your mark, someday. It's different for every pony." said Hydrangea, who then motioned to the blue and green flower-like patterns on her body. "I didn't mark my spirit until I was nineteen."
Comedia hoped Hydrangea was right about her making her mark someday, but for now, they had to focus on preparing for the competition.
So far, they knew every pony was definitely beautiful, and that all of them had various skills in agility. The real rounds to worry about though were Style and Talent.
For Style, the horses got to dress in costumes.
"How about this?" Myra said, showing her new pony a cool leather jacket.
As of yesterday, now Myra had a pony too. A friendly blue unicorn named Round n' Round, who was a bit of a tomboy. She loved riding a skateboard, running fast, and especially playing with her hula hoops. Despite being the kind of girl who enjoyed getting dirty and often roughhousing, that didn't mean she was without good taste in clothes.
"No way." Round n' Round shook her head. "Leather rubs on my skin."
"You mean your skin covered in hair?"
"Having hair doesn't mean I don't feel with my skin too."
Obi-Wan managed to find some lovely beads that looked like candies to decorate Peppermint's mane, Fiesta had her old quinceañera dress that was a lovely blue color, Eeth dressed Zipp in a soccer uniform and got a referee costume to match with her, Sunheart found a lovely gown with lots of sunflowers, Indira had a sparkly sari of pink and gold, Teatra dressed like Elphaba from Wicked (she was already green), and Boba told Remix he could not wear his demagorgon costume again.
"Let's find something nice for you, Comedia." said Ki-Adi.
"I already found something." Comedia said, and she came out dressed like the Mad Hatter, which made some of the others laugh because she looked so cute andit was humorous when she danced around in it and acted silly.
"That is very cute, Comedia." Ki-Adi said. "But perhaps we could try something a little different?"
"Oh. Okay."
Comedia looked in her trove of costumes and came out dressed as the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland.
"How about this?"
"No. Not that either."
Then, she was dressed as a fly.
"Get it? I'm a horse fly!"
So, Comedia tried all kinds of other costumes she had. An avocado costume, a squirrel costume, a yellow gummy bear, a hot dog, even a Tigger costume.
"I'm the only one who can bounce just like a Tigger." Comedia said, curling up her tail and bouncing on it like Tigger, making the kids laugh.
So far, everything Comedia had was something silly. Although, that was to be expected, given Comedia's taste.
"Comedia, don't you have anything less... silly?" Ki-Adi asked.
"Nope. You gotta remember, my parents didn't care to give me as good a wardrobe as Emeraldi."
"You did say you had hand-me-downs from your sister, though."
Ki-Adi looked through Comedia's trove of clothes and pulled out a big white gown adorned with diamonds.
"What's this?" Ki-Adi asked.
Comedia looked at it and grunted in disgust.
"It's my mom's wedding dress. I have no idea how that got in there." said Comedia. "If it wasn't the dump, my parents always tossed things they didn't want anymore in my room."
"Why don't you try it on?" Gabby suggested.
"Bleh! No way." Comedia stuck her tongue out.
"I don't think my daughter should get into a wedding dress now, either." Ki-Adi said.
Even though Comedia's adoption had only been finalized a week ago, Master Mundi was already protective of his daughter, including when it came to dating. Comedia didn't even have a boyfriend, but nevertheless her adoptive father already decided she was too young to date. Comedia paid no mind though. She'd rather be forbidden to date than have it like back with her birth parents who tried to set her up with the sons of rich and high society equine families in Equinaro, hoping she would eventually marry one of them. But none of them seemed to appreciate her love of comedy.
"We'll just have to find something else."
"I don't see why I have to dress like that anyway." Comedia said. "I don't even care about pageants."
"But you do know the competition better than us. You may be our best bet at ensuring no one is clavatized."
"But you know I don't like dressing like that."
"You think you're the only one reluctant to do this?" Maybelle said, her hair now in an elegant updo she was trying out for the contest. "I haven't had to wear my hair like this since my cousin Goldheart's wedding."
"Try bein' in a tux." Banjo said, scratching himself with his hoof like a dog, his suit making him itch like crazy.
"Banjo! You're gonna mess up your suit." Echo scolded, fixing him up.
So, Ki-Adi helped Comedia try on all the different dresses she'd had handed down, or rather thrown at her, by her sister. There were big poofy dresses, less poofy ones that glided across the ground, sparkly dresses, gem-embroidered dresses, lace dresses, even dresses with a tall collar at the neck. Comedia didn't want to wear any of them.
"Here, Comedia. Try this one." Carmine said. "This blue would look beautiful with your coat."
"I'm not putting on another dress!" Comedia snorted.
"Comedia, please. Just one more." Ki-Adi said. "It's just for a moment. You can take it off once we see how it looks."
Reluctantly, Comedia took the dress and tried it on. It was a lovely baby blue gown with sparkles like stars along the bodice and skirt, a big blue bow around the middle, and little sparkly diamonds along the neckline.
"Wow." the others gasped.
"Comedia, you look just like a princess in that dress." said Sapphire.
"Can I take this thing off now?" Comedia asked her father.
"I think this is the one." Ki-Adi said. "now we just need to do something about your mane."
"What's wrong with my mane?"
While Comedia's curls were generally very neat, they didn't quite go with the dress, nor did they say pageant pony material.
"We'll just fix it up for the competition."
Comedia groaned.
But, when they tried to straighten her mane with the curling iron...
Comedia's mane popped right back up to its curly state. They tried again, this time conditioning her hair first with a product Carmine used to tame his hair after a concert of tossing his hair back and forth, and it popped back up again. Then, they tried a product Caroline used to keep her hair in place when she did ballet. It popped up again.
This time, they let Carmine take care of her hair.
"Beware, for swear, straighten this wild curly hair." Carmine then cast the spell, and Comedia's hair was straightened, and this time it stayed that way.
Comedia looked in the mirror and didn't like what she saw.
"Turn my hair back!" Comedia said angrily. "I'm hideous!"
"Don't be ridiculous, Comedia. You look fine." said Ki-Adi. Then, he noticed her hat. "We just need to make one more adjustment."
He removed her propeller hat and then replaced it with a big blue hair bow.
"You look like a proper lady."
Comedia looked at herself again and couldn't believe that was her in the mirror. She didn't recognize herself.
Next, the horses all had to figure out their talents, should they manage to make it that far. Some of them could sing or dance. Others had more unique talents.
Comedia, however, all she wanted to do was tell her jokes.
"Comedia, can you do anything else besides telling jokes?" Ki-Adi asked.
"I can juggle!" Comedia smiled, juggling a bunch of balls and bowling pins. The kids definitely found it entertaining.
"I mean something else. Perhaps you can do tricks with hoops like Round n' Round or like Indira?"
Ki-Adi motioned to the ponies in question. Round n Round was spinning hoops around her front legs and around her middle, while Indira stood on her front hooves in a very relaxing manner she used in yoga.
Comedia looked at the hula hoops and picked one up.
"I actually can do a great trick with a hoop." she said.
And Comedia put the hoop around her tail and spun her tail high up in the air really fast until it lifted her off the ground like a helicopter!
"I call this the hula-copter!"
Even when they tried to see if Comedia can do anything serious, she put a silly twist on it.
"Why don't we start with what you can do already?" Anakin suggested. "What kind of stuff can you do?"
"I can do impressions." Comedia said.
Comedia cleared her throat and imitated someone with an accent.
"Curse me kilts! I'm Scrooge McDuck!"
That made the kids laugh. And then Comedia impersonated a certain Jedi master.
"Backwards I speak. Make no sense do I."
"Okay," chuckled Anakin. "Can you do anything that doesn't involve imitating someone else's voice?"
"I can tell my jokes. You should've seen how much everyone was laughing at that open mic the other night."
"It's true," said Omega, taking out her phone. "Look, someone posted it on Star-Screen. It's already got over two hundred thousand likes!"
"See?" Comedia smiled at her father.
"Perhaps, but I'm not sure comedy will keep you in the competition." Ki-Adi said.
"Well, what if I did my really cool voice trick? Just say anything to me, and I can repeat it perfectly in reverse."
"Really?" Boba said. "Okay, say 'Bounty hunters'"
"sretnuh ytnoub." Comedia repeated backwards.
Boba was impressed.
"Cool," said Goldie. "Now say, 'blue morpha butterfly.'"
"ylfrettub ahprom eulb."
Gabby decided to try something a little trickier.
"Okay, Comedia. Say, 'I must be from a distant galaxy farther away, because there's no way there's any logical explanation for how I'm able to say all this so clearly in reverse without messing up a single word."
"drow elgnis a pu gnissem tuohtiw esrever ni ylraelc os siht lla yas ot elba m'I woh rof noitanalpxe lacigol yna s'ereht yaw on s'ereht esuaceb, yawa rehtraf yxalag tnatsid a morf eb tsum I."
Everyone was so impressed!
"That's insanity!" Lamenta said.
"Ytunasni s'taht!" Comedia repeated.
"Okay, knock it off." Caroline said.
"Can you do anything else?" Mace asked. "Like... singing?"
Comedia:
Baby shark do, do, do, do, do
"NOT THAT SONG!" Anakin and Obi-Wan exclaimed, covering their ears.
So, Comedia sang a different song
Oh, I'm a gummy bear
Yes, I'm a gummy bear
Oh, I'm a yummy, tummy, funny, lucky gummy bear
I'm a jelly bear, 'cause I'm a gummy bear
Oh, I'm a movin', groovin', jammin', singin' gummy bear, oh yeah
"Don't you know any other songs?" Carmine asked. "Or can you dance?"
Fiesta did a little salsa dancing to celebrate.
"Everyone can dance. Even silly-corns."
But Comedia did the robot dance and acted silly.
"This is gonna be harder than I thought." Ki-Adi said.
"Looks like we need to give Comedia a few lessons on being more... serious." Gabby said.
And so it began. While the adults were all getting the horses ready, the kids, the Heartwoods, and Qui-Gon and Shmi were helping Comedia learn to be more serious. They had to teach her to dress serious, act serious, and be everything the pageant judges expected of a perfect pageant princess.
Gabby:
Everybody get dressed up, dressed up
'Cause it's time to get serious, serious
Tighten up, button up, everybody
'Cause it's time to get serious, serious
Comedia walked rather wobbly and nervously as she balanced a stack of three books on her head. But when she saw some fun stuff going on, she always started giggling and smiling, so Boba spritzed her with water. With Comedia being such a hard case, they needed to use positive and negative reinforcement.
Every time she did something silly, she'd get spritzed in the face with water. But if she did something right, Ki-Adi gave her a gummy bear.
Kids:
Don't dance, don't think
Don't smile, don't wink
Don't tweet, don't wiggle in your seat
Yeah, don't skip, don't jump, don't giggle
Don't do anything 'cause the fun has to stop
Comedia watched as Mariposa showed her a lecture of keeping a good posture and having a more serious facial expression too. The royal kids also dressed in more serious attire to show Comedia examples of how serious people dressed. Simple dresses, silk gloves, hair tied back, and staying nice and clean.
Boba:
Fun is fun
But fun can be overrated
What we want
Is for you to be understated
Gabby:
I knew a mare Comedia
Who'd laugh all the time
So we dressed her up
Just enough to make her less inclined
To silliness, craziness
Wackiness, delirious
Instead she's got to clear her head
And finally get serious
Lamenta showed Comedia the tea parties she sometimes had with Lammy and her other plushies and taught her how to act. Comedia tried licking up her tea, but then got spritzed until she started using her magic and sipped without slurping.
Lamenta:
Get in gear and hear us now
Pick it up what I'm puttin' down
No giggle, little chuckle, chortle
Need some middle ground
The harp, its strings, they need to sing
But I kept it playing more
We're dressing you so serious
So welcome to the tour
Comedia:
You say it's easy but it's tough, tough
It should be simple but it's rough, rough
I shouldn't giggle but I can't stop
Gabby:
Get serious
Kids:
Don't dance, don't peep
Don't smile, don't wink
Don't tweet, don't wiggle in your seat
Yeah, don't skip, don't jump, don't giggle, don't
Don't do anything 'cause the fun has to stop
Gabby:
Fun is fun
But fun can be overrated
What we want
Is for you to be understated
Comedia: Don't dance, don't wink, don't smile
Omega: Get serious
Comedia: I shouldn't giggle but I can't stop
Gabby: Get serious
Comedia walked with a serious expression of concentration on her face as she walked with four books on her head, and she didn't drop a single one. She placed them down and practiced her bow and curtsy. And she stood still as her hair was tied neatly in a side ponytail, the big blue bow tied nice and neatly where her propeller hat should have been.
"She's ready." Mariposa confirmed.
"Are you sure it's a good idea to do this?" Shmi asked. "Comedia doesn't seem happy about this."
"Not to worry, Ms. Skywalker." said Ki-Adi. "Comedia knows what she's doing for the protection of the galaxy."
In her head, Comedia really wished she could be running with the other horses as they were done with their training. But, she reluctantly had to sit this one out so she wouldn't mess up her mane.