I can't believe it's been almost four years since I wrote/finished a fic… Let's just say life got in the way.
Anyhow.
This will be a three-chapter Hotchniss-centered piece (they still have my heart), set in the same universe as 'Of Nightmares and Comfort' and 'I'd Much Rather Make Out With You'. There might be some references to those stories, but I tried to keep them to a minimum.
I just wanted to thank everyone who ever took the time to read and reply to my previous stories, and in particular the sweet reader who messaged me recently and unintentionally reminded me I still had this story lined up (you know who you are).
…
Finishing the last of her reports, Emily gathers the complete stack off her desk and makes her way up to Hotch's office. They've been dating for almost seven months now, the team still none the wiser. It hasn't always been easy, not being able to share her happiness with her friends. Still, she can't deny the upside of having this secret just between the two of them. It's like they created a bubble for themselves, somewhere they could be safe and happy and just them. Finding her way back into her old life hadn't been easy, but having a safe space helped. Aaron helped. Which is why she hates herself for once more erecting the walls they had painstakingly torn down together. It hurts, but it's what she needs right now.
Emily gives herself a second to put her mask even more firmly in place. Even though she knows better, she is still madly, stupidly in love. If she's not careful, her heart will take over from her brain. Although she usually has no problem leading with her heart - or gut, really - that is the one thing she cannot afford right now. With a small sigh, she knocks on the door before letting herself in.
"Hey Hotch, here are the reports you wanted. Everything from our last two cases should be there, as well as the most recent consultations. Let me know if anything is missing or needs revising." Avoiding eye contact, she drops the files on his desk and wastes no time turning to leave again.
Hotch's voice stops her in her tracks. "Hold on, Prentiss. Close the door and have a seat."
Hesitantly, Emily does as she's told. She sits down in the chair across his desk, looking at her boss-slash-boyfriend expectantly. "What is it, Hotch?"
First glancing towards the door as if to make sure it's really closed, Hotch then settles his gaze upon Emily. "Is everything alright?"
"Of course, why wouldn't it be?" Emily shifts almost imperceptibly in her seat, starting to get uncomfortable.
"I can't help but feel like you're pulling away from me, from us. We have barely seen each other outside of the office these past few weeks, or spoken about anything other than the cases we're working. I don't know, you just don't quite seem like yourself lately. You know I wouldn't normally bring this kind of thing up at work, but I'm worried about you."
Shit. The whole point of her behavior the past few weeks had been to ease herself into the inevitable, painful result. She thought she'd been subtle enough that she could keep it up for a little while longer, but clearly Hotch caught on. She should have known better. He is one of the best profilers she knows, not to mention one of the few people that can truly read her. But maybe she can hold him off for a little while longer. It might be pathetic, but she just wants a little more time.
"Well, we have been unusually busy with our past few cases, that tends to leave less time and energy for our personal lives. I think we both know that from experience. And as for the other thing, we agreed to keep this" Emily motions, waving her hand back and forth between her and Hotch, "out of the office for the time being."
"Yes, I know that's what we agreed on. But I can practically see your walls going up again. The last time that happened, it didn't end well. I'd like to help fix whatever it is, but I can't unless you tell me what's going on. Is it something I did? Or are you in danger again?"
"What? No, of course not. I hope you know I wouldn't keep you in the dark about something like that again. And you didn't do anything, either. It's nothing really, don't worry about it."
Hotch has to suppress a sigh when Emily looks right past him, fearing that a sign of impatience is not going to do him any favors right now. "Emily, please, this is not nothing. I thought we agreed a long time ago to be honest with each other, so just tell me what's wrong. Please."
For the first time since she entered his office, Emily drags her gaze up to properly meet Hotch's eyes. Big mistake. One look into those hazel eyes, and she wants to tell him everything. Maybe they can still work it out after all. She licks her lips nervously before taking a deep breath.
"Okay, fine, you're right. Maybe there is something we should talk about. I-"
She doesn't get any further than that, as the office door suddenly swings open and Garcia appears. "Sorry to interrupt guys, but we have a case. It's a bad one. Meet in the conference room ASAP." And just like that, she's gone again. Emily comes to her senses and uses the opportunity to escape from what inevitably would have been a disaster. She stands up and makes her way to the door.
"Emily, wait. What were you going to say?" Hotch says as he gets up from his chair.
"Not now, Hotch. You heard Garcia, it's a bad one. We should focus all of our attention on the case."
Hotch doesn't even get a chance to respond before she's out the door. He wonders what the hell just happened. Clearly, he'd been right about something bothering Emily over the past few weeks. He'd figured it was something relatively small, something they might argue about and then put behind them. But her demeanor just now when he confronted her makes him think it's something worse. Part of him fears she has second thoughts about their relationship, and might be getting ready to run again. And even if it has nothing to do with him, the trauma she'd endured would be enough to make anyone want to pack up and start over somewhere else. Her behavior over the past few weeks could have been an attempt to ease him into the idea somehow. The thought makes him a little sick to his stomach. He's not ready for their relationship to be over. He certainly can't imagine not having her in his life at all.
Remembering that they have a case and the team needs him, Hotch tries to shake it off. He reminds himself that he has to separate Aaron from Unit Chief Hotchner, even if he doesn't always want to. Taking a second to assume the latter, he leaves his office and joins the rest of the team.
…
Sitting in the back of the plane by himself, Hotch reflects on the past few days. If possible, Emily had been even more distant with him during the case. SSA Prentiss was sharp and present as ever, but all traces of Emily were gone. Even her eyes, which usually gave him a sense of her true state of mind, betrayed nothing at all. It reminds him of when they first slept together. Her intentions hadn't been malicious, but she had still avoided him as a way to protect her heart. The fact that she's acting similarly now, if not more closed off, can't bode well for what's waiting for him when they get back home. It makes him feel almost as sick as the case they just solved.
Garcia had been right when she said the case was a bad one. Several badly mutilated bodies of teenagers had turned up across Jacksonville, each scene more gruesome than the next. They had all seen some pretty bad stuff in their line of work, but these bloody scenes made everyone's stomach turn. Killing in rapid succession, the unsub managed to kill two more victims after the BAU arrived. The takedown was messy, with the team barely managing to save the last victim. The unsub hadn't been so lucky. Hotch couldn't say he was sorry about that. The guy's workplace had been covered in evidence of what he'd done. Photographs, souvenirs, even body parts and blood covered the entire place. The images flooding his mind once again, he decides he's dealt with enough gore for a little while. He closes the report he'd been working on, deciding that it can wait until tomorrow.
That's when he lets his gaze wander to Emily, who's sitting with JJ and Morgan reading a book. Instantly, he remembers how the last time, she'd been gone from the plane before he had a chance to talk to her. There is no doubt in his mind that she'll try the same thing now, but he knows he can't let that happen. Not wanting to risk alerting the team to their situation, he pulls out his phone to send her a text. They've exchanged more than a few of those over the past few months, finding it easier than trying to talk face-to-face with a team of profilers around.
I think we need to talk when we get back. Come over to my place?
He discreetly watches her put the book down before reaching for her phone. She looks a little nervous, biting her lip then soothing it with her tongue. Finally, she starts to type.
Sure. I'll need to shower and change first. Pretty sure I can still smell death on me.
Good, she's still trying to keep up their usual banter. Maybe they're not a lost cause after all.
Take your time. I'll feed and bathe the 6 y.o. monster first. Love you
She doesn't send a text back, but Hotch can swear he sees the tiniest smile on her face before she goes into neutral mode once more and continues reading.
…
After a very long, hot shower followed by a microwaved dinner she couldn't make herself finish, Emily makes her way to Hotch's place. It's near eight when she uses the key he gave her a while ago to let herself in. Following the scent of coffee, she makes her way to the kitchen.
"Hey," she says quietly.
Hotch turns around from where he's putting the last of the dishes away. "Hey yourself. Do you want some coffee? It's fresh. And decaf, I know you've been trying to cut back."
"Sure," she replies while sitting down at the breakfast bar. Not knowing what else to say, or rather how to say it, she waits for him to pour two cups of coffee and slide one towards her. Instead of sitting down next to her, Hotch opts to remain standing at the other side of the bar. It gives her the space he knows she needs right now, and allows him to see her face. That is, if she would look up at him. Her gaze is steadily focused on the steaming cup of coffee. Sipping from his own coffee, he decides to wait her out.
A few minutes later, all Emily has done is alternate between drinking her coffee and biting her lip. It was raw already, but it's actually starting to bleed now. She doesn't even seem to notice. Hotch can't bear to stand by any longer watching her agonize over whatever it is she wants to talk about.
"Emily, you know you can tell me anything, right? I don't know what's wrong, but I promise I'll do whatever it takes to fix it. I just… I need you to talk to me."
Emily finally looks up at him, and Hotch is surprised to see tears forming in her chocolate brown eyes. He watches her swallow thickly before speaking.
"I'm pregnant."
Okay, he did not see that one coming. He thought for sure it would be something bad at best, downright terrible at worst. By all accounts, this should be good news. It is to him, at least. But it definitely shouldn't bring tears to those beautiful eyes he loves so much. He wants to know what brought them on, but doesn't want to push her. Also not wanting to express his joy at the news when she doesn't seem to share the sentiment just yet, Hotch settles on starting out on neutral ground.
"When did you find out?"
Emily hesitates for a beat before answering softly, her gaze downcast again. "Just after we went to Chicago to help find Morgan's cousin."
That takes Hotch aback slightly. "That was almost three weeks ago, Em. Why didn't you say anything sooner?"
"I just didn't… I don't want this to end. It's selfish, I know, but I just wanted a little more time." A single tear rolls down her cheek. Emily quickly swipes at it, not wanting to embarrass herself any further. She feels stupid now, having wasted weeks avoiding what was inevitable.
"I don't follow. How would you being pregnant mean the end of this?"
Emily scoffs half-heartedly. "Please don't. Playing dumb doesn't suit you."
If Hotch wasn't confused before, he sure is now. "I honestly don't know what you're talking about."
"Oh, cut it out. I heard you talking to Rossi the other day, okay? He asked if you were open to introduce anyone else into your life, and you very adamantly told him there was space only for Jack. You didn't want to add anything or anyone to your life, not anytime soon. Now, I know that Jack is the most important thing in your life, as he should be. I get that. But damn it, Aaron, you could have told me there was an expiration date on our relationship before we got this far. You know, you actually had me thinking, believing, this would last." Tears still sting in her eyes, but she refuses to let them fall.
Hotch's eyes widen in horror. "Oh God, Emily, no, it's not what you think. Dave has been trying to set me up with someone ever since I met that Beth woman in the park. He didn't take too kindly to me not asking her out, and he's been presenting me with all kinds of women since. He was really persistent that time, and nearly bit my head off for not being open to the suggestion. I had to say something credible to get him off my back. You know Dave, if I gave any hint that I was already seeing someone, he wouldn't stop until he figured out who it was."
Emily shakes her head, refusing to believe him only to get her heart broken once more. "You don't have to make excuses, okay? We've only been dating a few months, you don't owe me anything. I wish you'd told me how you felt sooner, but I can figure this out on my own. I have to."
"No, Em, you don't. I really did just say that to get Dave to back off. Please believe me." Seeing she's once again refusing to look at him, Hotch moves around the breakfast bar. Gently, he tilts her face so he can look her in the eyes. "Look, maybe this is my fault. I know I'm not exactly known for expressing how I feel, and maybe I haven't shown you enough just how much I love you. With everything you've been through, it makes sense that you don't just trust people on their word when they say they love you and they'll be there for you. But I need you to believe me when I say I do and I will. Emily, when I say I love you, I don't just mean I'm in love with you. It means I trust you and that you can trust me, that I'll be here no matter what. It means I want you in my life for as long as you'll have me. And… it means that I would love nothing more than to raise this baby with you."
That's what breaks her. The tears come in full force now, a result of weeks of pent-up anxiety being suddenly relieved. Having forced her to look him in the eyes, Emily knows he means every word. She feels horrible now for having doubted him in the first place. He's been so good to her, always considerate of her feelings and insecurities. He's made her feel safer, happier, and more loved than she's ever felt before. Yet here she is, still doubting his commitment to her. He deserves better than that, than her. A sob escapes her before she can choke it back.
Unable to stand by any longer while she's clearly so upset, Hotch pulls her off the bar stool and into his arms.
"Oh, sweetheart, come here," he says as one hand moves to cradle her head against his shoulder, while the other wraps around her back. Emily burrows into his chest, her hands tightly gripping his shirt. She keeps sobbing, making Hotch's heart break like the first time she came to him after a nightmare. That was the only other time he'd ever seen her cry to the point of sobbing. Emily is always so adamant about appearing strong that even when she gets upset, she manages to keep her feelings in check. The fact that she's unable to do so now tells him just how heavily this has weighed on her.
It takes a few minutes for Emily's sobbing to subside, which is when she releases her death grip on his shirt and looks up at him, eyes still shining with tears although there's now a small smile on her face. "You know I blame the hormones for this, right? I'm not usually this weepy."
Hotch chuckles at that, and gently brushes the last of her tears away. "That's okay. I still love you, all hormonal and weepy or not." He kisses her then, having had to miss the feeling of her lips on his for far too long now.
She kisses him back eagerly, until she feels a hand softly press against her stomach. It's a small gesture, but it sends shivers down her spine. She settles her hand over his, marveling at the fact that their baby is right there under their touch.
"How far along are you?" he whispers against her lips.
"About nine weeks now."
Now it's Hotch's turn to get teary-eyed. "Wow," is all he manages to say, looking down at their joined hands.
"You're really happy," Emily says softly, a little questioningly still.
Hotch looks back up into her eyes. "Yes, I am. You know how much I love being a father. I never thought I'd get a chance to do it all again. To get do this with you… I love you so much. Both of you."
"I love you too, Aaron. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I panicked when I heard you talking to Rossi, and I went straight back to my old habits and thinking patterns. I'm working on it, but it's hard sometimes."
"I know you are. And it's okay, really." He presses a soft kiss to her lips once more. "Look, I know we probably still have a lot to talk about, but how about we save that for later? I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted after the week we've had and I could use some quiet quality time. It's still early, we could watch a movie and just let this sink in."
"That sounds good," Emily replies, a shy smile forming on her face. "I kinda missed settling into those big, strong arms of yours after each case."
"Alright then, you go pick something out while I check on Jack."
Crap. Emily had temporarily forgotten about the six-year-old boy. She grabs Hotch's arm, effectively stopping him in his tracks. "Oh my God, Jack. Do you think he'll be okay with this?"
"I know he will. He adores you, and he always wanted a little brother or sister. He'll be over the moon, I promise."
"Oh, okay, if you're sure."
Hotch turns once more to go check on Jack, before being stopped by Emily again.
"And what about the team? Do we tell them? They may not have caught onto us dating, but they're still profilers. They're probably going to notice the pregnancy even before I start to show. JJ especially, she's been through this herself. She'll recognize any signs, however small. And- "
"Emily, slow down. Let's just enjoy this for a little while before we involve the others and get pounded with questions. We'll figure out how to deal with that later. Now, relax, settle down on the couch and pick out a movie. I'll be right back."
"Okay, I'll do that. Sorry, I'm just nervous."
Hotch gives her a reassuring smile before extracting himself from her hold and finally making it down the hall. After making sure Jack is still sound asleep, he makes his way back to the living room to find Notting Hill ready to play. Although he is not the biggest fan of chick flicks, he knows they make Emily feel better. Hugh Grant in particular seems to do the trick every time.
Settling on the couch next to her, Hotch immediately wraps one arm around her waist, resting his hand on her stomach. Already, it feels like the most natural thing in the world. He's going to have to be careful with that when they're out in public. Suddenly, he remembers something Emily mentioned earlier. No one on the team had noticed anything about their developing relationship or the pregnancy, but he hadn't noticed the recent changes in her either.
"How come I didn't see the signs?"
Emily lifts her head from where it was comfortably resting on his shoulder and notices the frown on his face. While it scares most people, she thinks it's adorable. Maybe she shouldn't point that out to him right now, but she can't help making fun of him a little. "Oh, that must be killing you. Mr. hot-shot profiler didn't notice that his own girlfriend was pregnant. Must be where the team gets their ignorance from."
"Very funny. But I'm serious, Em. I should have noticed. Maybe if I'd paid better attention to you…"
Seeing that Hotch is genuinely upset, Emily pauses the movie before speaking again. "Hey, don't go down that road. Did you forget who you're dealing with? I've learned a thing or two about hiding things. And as you pointed out earlier, we haven't seen each other outside of work for three weeks. That wasn't by accident. I knew you'd figure it out if I didn't keep you at a safe distance. And I only thought I might be pregnant because I missed my period. The morning sickness was sporadic at best, and honestly it hasn't been too bad since. I haven't discovered any smells or foods yet that make me nauseous, and so far I've only been slightly more tired than usual. So there's been nothing that couldn't be hidden on my part, nothing that you should have noticed."
Hotch hums in agreement, but Emily can tell his heart isn't in it. She presses a soft kiss to his cheek before resting her forehead against his temple. "Aaron, I love you. I'm sorry I didn't trust you with this sooner. You're such a good man, and a wonderful father. Don't blame yourself for not noticing something that I fought to keep from you."
Hotch meets her eyes before giving her a proper kiss. "You're right. I'm sorry, my mind took a dark turn there."
"That's okay, we both have a habit of doing that. But you know what helps?"
Hotch sighs in fake exasperation. "Watching a silly rom-com with Hugh Grant?"
"Watching a silly rom-rom with Hugh Grant. Good, you're catching on. Now shut up and watch the movie with me."
"Yes, ma'am."
…
Stay tuned for chapter two!